From c94f6546e81014c9caf2928880e4d19b3460f38e Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Nils <1826514@stud.hs-mannheim.de> Date: Sun, 16 Feb 2025 11:59:00 +0100 Subject: [PATCH] 10% preprocessed Reddit Sample --- data/reddit_processed_10percent_sample.csv | 5900 ++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 5900 insertions(+) create mode 100644 data/reddit_processed_10percent_sample.csv diff --git a/data/reddit_processed_10percent_sample.csv b/data/reddit_processed_10percent_sample.csv new file mode 100644 index 0000000..648c027 --- /dev/null +++ b/data/reddit_processed_10percent_sample.csv @@ -0,0 +1,5900 @@ +humor_rating,text +0.578480190517428,"The blonde and the crocodile. + Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts +the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: ""I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside. +Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his +mouth and I'll remove my genitalia unscathed. In return for witnessing this +spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."" + +The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar, +dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head. + +The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals unscathed as +promised. + +The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. Steve +stood up again and made another offer. ""I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."" + +A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of +the bar. + +A blonde woman timidly spoke up... + +""I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."" +" +0.08053691275167785,"The horny man and the nun. + A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. captivated by her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. + +""Well,"" says the bus driver, ""every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray for a man she once loved. If you dress up as the ghost of him, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."" +The man decides to try it, and transforms himself into looking like the ghost of the the man she loved. At eight, he sees the nun mourning and appears before her. + +""Hello my love, I came back to see you once more and then forever i'm gone, so we should have sex before it's too late. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex because she does't want to lose her virginity. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his disguise. + +""Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"" + +""Ha, ha!"" says the nun, removing her costume. ""I'm the bus driver!""" +0.0753409828967309,"This is why I don't tell Math jokes + The average maths joke is pretty mean" +0.1931153929421953,"A man walks into his kitchen with a sheep under his arm when he looks at his wife and says... + ""This is the pig I've been fucking when you're not around."" + +His wife rolls her eyes and replies ""that's a sheep, not a pig, idiot."" + +""I wasn't taking to you."" " +1.4773760554232518,"A man is drunk in a bar, + Across the bar he sees three heavy set women, speaking with Scottish sounding accents. He makes his way to the women and asks; ""Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?"" The first women gets mad and yells ""It's Wales, you ass! Wales!"" The man the replies. ""I'm sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?"" " +0.3221476510067114,"A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. + They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun, ''Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?'' The nun giggles and slyly replies, ''Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'' St. Peter says, ''OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.'' St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, ''Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?'' The nun is a little reluctant but replies ''Well once I fondled and stroked one.'' St. Peter says ''OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.'' All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says ''Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?! ''The nun replies, ''If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!""" +1.5068196579346178,"The Quran is like weed + If you burn it you get stoned." +1.415890885473046,"Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening + Many men have died after having a stroke" +0.6711409395973155,"Divorce + An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, +""I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"" +""Dad, what are you talking about?"" the son yells. +""We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"" the old dad explained. ""We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!"". +Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. +""Like heck they're getting divorced,"" she shouts, ""I'll take care of this."" +She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, ""You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?"" she yelled as she hung up the phone. +The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ""Okay"", he says, ""it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare.""" +0.6720069279064733,"I wanted to have a threesome.. + ..but then I came to the realization, if I wanted to disappoint two people I'd just have dinner with my parents." +0.03637150898462871,"A Mom is driving with her 7-year old daughter. + They are following a garbage truck, when a dildo flies out and hits the windshield. The little girl asks, ""Mom, what was that?"" Mom, being embarrassed, says ""Oh honey, it was just a bug."" ""Wow!"", says the little girl, ""It sure had a big dick!""" +0.2684563758389262,"I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb + Then I realized that my life was a joke..." +0.1576098722667244,"Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear? + Depends on how fast you can carry it." +0.058887205022732196,"Giving the devil his due + One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. +He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him + +""I don't know what to do here,"" says the devil. ""You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."" + +Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. +In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. + +""No,"" Obama said. ""I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."" + +The devil led him to the door of the next room. + +In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. + +""No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"" commented Obama. + +The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. + +Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, ""Yeah man, I can handle this."" + +The devil smiled and says........... + +""OK, Monica, you're free to go."" + + " +0.7941112794977268,"My girlfriend burned our Hawaiian pizza today... + I should have told her to put the oven on aloha setting." +0.1342281879194631,"Youth and speed will never beat age and treachery. + A young rooster walks out onto the barnyard for the first time, having just been bought by the farmer. He sees lots of chickens, but only one other rooster, who is much older. He walks up to the old rooster to tell him to get lost so he can have all the chickens for himself. + +The old rooster says to him, ""I know the farmer bought you to replace me, but give me one chance to prove my worth. We'll race around the barn for ten laps. If I win, you leave, but if you win, I'll leave. To make it fair, I just want a 50 foot head start."" + +The young rooster knows he's in way better shape, and that even a 50 foot head start won't help the old rooster, so he agrees. + +The race begins and after one lap the young rooster has started closing in on the old rooster, he's only 30 feet behind. After two laps he's 15 feet behind. After three laps he's one foot behind when BLAM!! + +Suddenly there's nothing left of the young rooster but a big bloodstain on the barn wall. Standing across the barnyard is the farmer, holding a smoking shotgun. + +""Damn,"" he says to himself, ""that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.""" +0.10391859709893916,"Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? + Only a Sith deals in absolutes." +0.011257848019051742,"What's Afghanistan's National Bird? + An American drone." +0.2987659666594501,"What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed? + Nothing." +0.09439272569820308,"A feminist told me I really need to take a Women's Studies class. + I told her ""There is no way I'm going to spend a semester studying a broad.""" +0.018185754492314354,"A flat earth conspiracist was boasting about how many people believe that the Earth is flat... + He said, “We have supporters all around the globe!!!” +" +0.07014505304178394,"Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall. + Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall. + + +The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: ""where did you get that?"" He answers: ""Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!""  + + +The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: ""Where have you been?"" Smiling he answers: ""You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"" + + +Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood. + +Exited the other two ask:""Man where did you go?!""  + +""Do you see that tree right there?"" + +""Yes"" + +""Well, I didn't"" + +" +0.01905174280147218,"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? + Ten-tickles. + + +I'm sorry, everyone. " +0.3663130547737605,"Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars + The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn" +0.5897380385364798,"Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off? + He's dead." +0.5230569387313271,"What do you call people who immigrate to Sweden? + Artificial Swedeners" +3.202424767265642,"My daughter just lost her first tooth! + That'll teach her to talk back." +0.04762935700368045,"A man gets his fiance, Wendy's name tattooed on his penis.... + So when he's hard it says ""Wendy,"" but when it's soft it just says, ""W Y."" + +So they get married and go to Jamaica on their honeymoon. They're dancing in the club and drinking and having a good time when inevitably the man has to go to the bathroom. + +He's standing at the urinal and notices a big tall jamaican guy next to him has ""W Y"" tattooed on his penis. + +The newlywed says, ""Excuse me, but I noticed you have ""W Y"" on your penis. + +The Jamaican replies, ""Ya mon. I see you have it too.. Tell me mon, what does yours say when it's hard?"" + +The man says proudly, ""When mine's hard, it says 'Wendy'. What does yours say?"" + + The jamaican says, ""Ah Mon, when mine is hard it says 'Welcome to the island of Jamaica, Have a nice day!""" +0.2727863173847153,"I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job... + ...but when I got home, all the signs were there. + +Few more: + +* I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves. + +* I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain. + +* My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant. + +* I, for one, like Roman numerals. + +* People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now. + +* Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes. + +* I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long. + +* The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself “This changes everything.” + +* My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo. + +* My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it. + +* I’ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it. + +* I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.” + +* I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust. + +* People say I’m condescending. That means i talk down to people." +0.7153063433643646,"My black friend asked me where to find the color copier + I said it's 2015 and he can use whatever copier he wants to" +0.1281662697553583,"To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present + They're due back at the library today." +0.38969473912102187,"Boss's daughter! + Employee: Sir, you called me? + + Boss: Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate. + + Employee, after few minutes: Done sir. + + Boss: Do it again. + +Employee: Done again, sir. + + Boss: Do it once more. + + Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir. + + Boss: Very good, here are my keys, drop my daughter at home." +1.131846720069279,"I was going to tell a time travel joke... + but you didn't like it." +0.329075557479974,"How do you stop a North Korean tank? + Shoot the soldier pushing it." +2.798874215198095,"A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says ""Hey koala what are you doing?"" + The koala answers ""Smoking a joint, come up and have some."" The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. + +After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the crocodile asks, ""What's wrong with you, lizard?"" + +The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink. The crocodile has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. + +When they get back to the tree, the crocodile looks up at the koala and says ""Hey, you."" + +The koala looks down and says ""Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?""" +1.097207187702966,"TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween.. + guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors" +0.8348127300281446,"The Jewish tie stand + A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. + +Hoping to find water, he hurried towards ‘the object’ only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. + +The Taliban fighter asked, “Do you have water?!!?” + +The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.” + +The Taliban fighter shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! "" + +“Okay” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom”. + +Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill. + +Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. + +""Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie”." +0.6330374539943711,"My 5 y/o cousins joke :) + Him:Why did the chicken cross the road? +Me: Why? +Him: To get to the stupid persons house. +Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin* +Him: Knock knock. + +Me: Who's there? + +Him: It's the chicken! + +I fell right into the little tackers trap!" +1.1093310240311756,"A man came home late and very drunk. + His wife was waiting for him. "" you've been kissing someone, haven't you?"" She shouted at him. +""No"" he answered back. +""Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."" +""That's easy,"" he said. ""I used my shirt to wipe my dick.""" +0.6365014072310023,"What's the difference between a cat and a comma? + One has its claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause." +1.6982030742584975,"Three wives + Three women are chatting, a French, an American and a Russian. + +The French says: ""After we got married, I told my husband right away that I was not going to cook, do dishes and laundry or clean the house. He disappeared, I didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with a housemaid. Now she does all that, and I just sit and relax all day long."" + +The American says: ""Well, after we got married, I told my husband the same. Didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with some big appliance. Now it does all that automatically, and I just sit and relax all day long."" + +The Russian says: ""After we got married, I told my husband that I wouldn't do all that either. I didn't see him for a day, two, three. On the fourth day I was finally able to see something with my right eye.""" +0.12297033990041134,"A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.... + A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. +She says hello. +He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. +So he says, ""Do you know me?"" +To which she replies, ""I think you’re the father of one of my kids."" +Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ""My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"" +She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ""No, I’m your son’s teacher.""" +0.022515696038103484,"Two boys were misbehaving... + ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. + +The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that ""God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."" + +The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest. + +She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stayed outside while the priest and Ray talked. + +""Where is God?"" The priest calmly asked expecting to make the point that ""God is everywhere"". Ray, petrified, said nothing. So the priest asked again slightly louder, ""Where is God?!"". Ray still said nothing. So the priest stood up and slammed his hands on the desk yelling, ""WHERE IS GOD?!?!"". Ray stood up and ran out of the office, past his mother, and ran all the way home. + +He came screaming in the front door and ran straight to Jim's room. He opened the door and said, ""GOD IS MISSING AND THEY THINK WE TOOK HIM!""." +0.004329941545789132,"A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. + +The doctor comes in and says, ""Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."" + +The man groans, but the doctor goes on, ""You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."" + +The man perks up. So, the doctor says, ""You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."" + +The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. + +The doctor comes back the next day, ""So, have you spoken with your wife?"" ""Yes I have,"" says the man. + +""And has she helped you make a decision?"" + +""Yes"" says the man. + +""What is your decision?"" asks the doctor. + +""We're getting granite counter tops.""" +0.05975319333189002,"I overheard two of my friends talking about me the other day... + I said ""you disgust me"" + +""Yes, we did"" they replied." +0.43905607274301794,"Why did KGB officers always travel in threes? + One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals." +0.24767265641913835,"When God created Adam and Eve, he had two gifts... + When God created Adam and Eve, he spoke and said, ""I have two gifts to give to each of you. First! One of you can have the ability to pee wherever ye shall please!"" + +Right away, Adam jumped up and said, ""Oh! Me! I want that one!"" + +And God said, ""But you haven't heard what the other gift is!"" + +And Adam said, ""I don't care! I want that one!"" + +So, God sighed, ""Fine. It shall be yours!"" + +God made it so, and Adam started jumping up and down and running all over the place and peeing wherever he wanted. + +Then God looked at Eve and sighed, ""I guess you're stuck with multiple orgasms."" + + +**Side note**: I had posted this as comment on /r/askreddit, so while I *am* ^^sorta ^^kinda ^^not ^^really karmawhoring, I feel like it would be appreciated more here. :D" +1.1041350941762287,"A native american hitchhiker was picked up by a slick + city man who was driving past the reservation. + +As they were driving along, the indian noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents. The city man replied: ""It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife"". + +The Indian looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said: ""Good trade"". + + +Edit: WOW! Initial response: http://i.imgur.com/UnpW5R6.gif +Our first joke ever on Reddit and it fucking exploded.... " +0.021649707728945658,"What did the Nazi say to the clock that only went: ""tick ____ tick ____ tick ____"" ? + ""Ve have Vays of making you tock!""" +1.3570036804503138,"A man died and went to heaven.. + As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, + +""What are all those clocks?"" + +St. Peter answered, ""Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."" + +""Oh,"" said the man, ""whose clock is that?"" + +""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."" + +""Incredible,"" said the man. + +""That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."" + +""Where's Obama's clock?"" + +""His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."" + +EDIT: Alright I think we've all established this joke is pretty interchangeable. TIL; Clinton and Bush are commonly used as well. " +0.026845637583892617,"The police arrested 2 kids today + One was eating batteries and the second was eating fireworks + +They charged the first one and let the other off" +0.45810781554449015,"My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex + But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia." +0.34812730028144623,"Hitler dies and God calls him + After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks ""if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"" + +Hitler answers ""I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos"". + +God promptly asks ""Why the Eskimos?"". + +""See, not even you care about Jews!""" +2.813596016453778,"Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples... + ""Thirteen glasses of water, please!"", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others..." +0.26672439922061053,"Why can't Atheist solve exponential equations? + Because they don't believe in higher powers" +0.0493613336219961,"Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? + Because then it would be a foot." +0.6720069279064733,"How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb? + Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to hold the penis. I mean the ladder. One to hold the ladder." +1.686079237930288,"A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class + The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. + +A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. + +She turns to the man and says, ""Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"" + +The man replies, ""I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."" + +The woman then says, ""Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"" + +The man looks at her and says, ""Pepper.""" +0.0788049361333622,"My Favorite Animal + Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, ""Fried chicken."" +She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. +My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. +I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. +He said they love animals very much. +I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. +I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. +The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. +I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. +She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. +I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. +Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, ""Colonel Sanders."" +Guess where I am now... +" +0.10478458540809699,"Apple farmers who are too scared to diversify + should just grow a pear." +0.008659883091578264,"There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five. + Of course i left him hanging." +0.21736306559861443,"Crazy Ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates. + They'll kill your dog." +0.27451829400303096,"What is the difference between my dad and cancer? + Cancer came back " +0.00952587140073609,"Running for president + It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race and the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Obama comes up with an idea: A Literal Presidential Race. + +The three candidates would run a lap around the White House and the person with the best time would become president. + +Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes about 24 minutes. + +Trump goes next and arrives with a time of 14:26. + +Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can, trampling the flowers and shrubs in her way in an effort to beat Trump's time. She finally crosses the finish line at just under ten minutes. +""Aha!"" She exclaims, ""That must be some kind of record!"" + +""I don't think so,"" says Obama, ""Bush did 9:11""" +0.4962113011474345,"An old man is pulled over... + An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, ""I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."" The officer asks, ""Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"" + +The man replies, ""My wife."" +" +0.912751677852349,"My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack.. + They're two things I'll never see coming. + + +(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)" +0.9898246373673956,"How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello? + Konnichihuahua" +0.06494912318683697,"An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. + The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, ""Can you all see me now?"" + +  + +""Yes."" + +""Oui."" + +""Si."" + +""Ja.""" +0.056289240095258715,"Why did man invent curling? + To convince women sweeping was a sport." +0.15154795410261962,"One of my black friends told me this, and I didn't know if I should laugh: What do you call a black hitchhiker? + Stranded" +0.0493613336219961,"If your girlfriend starts smoking + slow down or apply lubricant" +0.08400086598830916,"A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. + After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. + +The bishop replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.' + +So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. + +At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. + +He proceeded to talk up a storm. + +Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: + +1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. + +2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. + +3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. + +4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. + +5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. + +6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. + +7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook. + +8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him. + +9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. + +10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' + +11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'. + +12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry.' + +13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. + +14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's." +0.02597964927473479,"A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Cornishman on an overseas flight. + After a few drinks, the men began discussing their home lives. + +""Last night I made love to my wife four times,"" the Frenchman bragged, ""and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."" + +""Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,"" the Italian responded, ""and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."" + +When the Cornishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, ""and how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"" + +""Once me ansum,"" he replied. + +""Only once?"" the Italian arrogantly snorted. ""And what did she say to you this morning?"" + +""Don't stop.""" +0.6936566356354189,"I didn't plan on getting a brain transplant... + But then I changed my mind." +0.032041567438839576,"My math teacher called me average the other day. + I thought it was mean." +0.8512665079021433,"Every N.W.A song + Verse 1: Sellin' crack rocks and shootin' muthafuckas! + +Verse 2: Police pull me over just 'cause I'm brown." +0.008659883091578264,"TIL back in the day there were only 25 letters in the alphabet. + Nobody knew y. " +0.029443602511366098,"NSFW A boy is playing with his train set... + A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, ""All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."" The mother went nuts and told her son, ""We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."" Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, ""All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."" She hears the little boy continue, ""For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."" As the mother began to smile, the child added, ""For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen.""" +0.08833080753409829,"A cop pulls over a man with 16 penguins in his car. + The cop says, ""what the hell are you doing!? Are these your penguins?"" + +The man nods and the cop says, ""Well take them to the zoo right this instant!"" And the man drives off. + +The next day the same cop sees the same man driving the same car with the same 16 penguins and again the cop pulls the man over. + +""I told you yesterday to take these penguins to the zoo!"" + +""I did,"" says the man. ""And today we're going to the beach!""" +0.24074474994587572,"Greek vs Italian Culture + One day , two men, a Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop discussing who had the superior culture. + +Over triple lattes the Greek says, ""Well, we have the Parthenon."" + +Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, ""We have the Coliseum."" + +The Greek retorts, ""We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"" + +The Italian, nodding agreement, says, ""But we built the Roman Empire."" + +And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. + +With a flourish of finality he says, ""We invented sex!"" + +The Italian thinks for a moment and then replies, ""Ah, yes, that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."" +" +1.2730028144620047,"Beethoven hyping the crowd. + Beethoven: YOU WANNA HEAR A SYMPHONY? + +*crowd cheers* + +Beethoven: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" +0.7300281446200476,"I just had my first prostate examination + Worst dentist ever." +0.3879627625027062,"A man walks into a bar and makes a bet with a bartender. + ""I'll show you a trick, and if you think the trick is good enough, you give me a drink on the house."" The bartender, having had a pretty boring day, accepts. + +The man takes a rat out of his pocket and an equally tiny piano out of his other pocket. He sets the piano on the bar, and the rat jumps up and begins to play ""The Entertainer"". + +The bartender is amazed and happily gives the man a free drink. After finishing, the man makes another bet: ""If I show you an even better trick, will you put my entire tab for the night on the house as well?"" + +The bartender accepts again, thinking that there was no way that the man could produce a better trick. He proceeds to pull a bullfrog out of his pants pocket and sets it down next to the rat. The rat begins to play a different song, and the bullfrog starts to sing along in a crystal clear voice. The bartender is once again amazed, and agrees to pay for the man's drinks for the rest of the night. + +An hour later, the man is enjoying his free drinks when a stranger comes up to the man and offers to buy the bullfrog for $100,000. ""Sorry, he's not for sale,"" replies the man. The stranger offers to pay $500,000, and the man reluctantly sells the bullfrog and takes the money. The stranger leaves with glee, and the bartender is furious. + +""That frog could've been worth millions of dollars to you, maybe even billions, but you sold it off for a mere five hundred thousand dollars!"" + +The man smiles and takes a sip of his drink. + +""Don't worry, the frog doesn't mean that much to me. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist.""" +0.5230569387313271,"I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend... + Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side." +0.043299415457891316,"I would like to be Santa Claus + He knows where all the naughty girls live. " +0.35418921844555096,"I should clean mirrors for a living. + It's a profession I see myself in." +0.6919246590171033,"Why do midgets make bad parents? + Cause they struggle to put food on the table" +0.47456159341848886,"Severance Packages + The department of defense, in an effort to cut some costs decides to offer severance packages to some superfluous higher ranking officers. The offer is an honorable discharge and $1,000 for every inch between two points of their body of their choosing. + +A Navy admiral takes this opportunity and heads into the medical office to have his two locations measured. He picks the tip of his big toe and the top of his forehead. The doctor measures 77 inches and off he goes to enjoy civilian life. + +Next up is an Air Force general. He plans ahead a little better and raises his arm all the way up and stands of his toes and the doctor measures 99 inches. Out the door he goes nearly $100,000 richer and a civilian. + +The last one to take the buy out is an Army General. The doctor asks him which two points he'd like measured and he replies; + +""The tip of my penis to the base of my left testicle."" + +The doctor is a little taken aback at this and reminds the man that no matter how well hung he is, he's probably short changing himself. The general assures the doctor that he knows what he's doing and would like to proceed. + +""Ok, suit yourself sir. Drop your pants."", says the doctor who kneels down with his measuring tape. + +""Wait a minute! Where the hell is your left testicle?!"", exclaims the shocked doctor. + +""Heh, Vietnam.""" +0.46416973370859493,"Irish Viagra + An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. + +""What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor. +""Not a chance,"" she said. ""He won't even take an aspirin."" +""Not a problem,"" replied the doctor. ""Give him an ""Irish Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."" + +It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, ""Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was terrible! Just terrible, doctor!"" + +""Really? What happened?"" asked the doctor. + +""Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"" + +""Why so terrible?"" asked the doctor. ""Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"" + +""'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sitting here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!""" +0.39835462221260015,"A couple is walking in Moscow when they feel a slight precipitation + The husband says ""ah, it's raining"" + + The wife replies ""no it's snowing"" + +""How about we ask this communist officer here"" replies the husband, ""he is always right!, + +""Officer Rudolph, Is it raining or snowing?"" + + ""definitely raining"" replies Rudolph before walking off + +""see?"" says the husband, + + +""Rudolph the red knows rain, dear""" +1.0054124269322364,"Who Am I? + One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. ""Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night."" the mailman comments. + +Bob in obvious pain replies, ""Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."" + +The mailman thinks a moment and says, ""How do you play that?"" + +Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ""privates"" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."" + +The mailman laughs and says, ""Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."" + +Probably a good thing you did,"" Bob responds. ""Your name came up four or five times."" " +0.19484736956051094,"Two guys in a bar... + One says ""Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!"" +""Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"" + +""Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."" + +""What a horrible way to die!"" + +""No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."" + +""What a way to go, that's terrible!"" + +""No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."" + +""Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"" + +""No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."" + +""Man, what a way to go!"" + +""No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."" + +""Now that is one awful way to go!"" + +""No no, he survived that, he ..."" + +""Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"" + +""I shot him!"" + +""You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"" + +""He was wrecking my f**king house.""" +0.09266074907988742,"When does a joke become a dad joke? + When it leaves you and never comes back." +1.0703615501190733,"A doctor says, ""I have bad news, and very bad news."" ""What's the bad news?"" Asked the patients. ""You only have 24-hours to live."" ""And the really bad news?"" + I should have told you yesterday." +3.286425633253951,"A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door... + ...and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, ""I'm doing some research for Vaseline."" Have you ever used the product?' + +She says, ""Yes. My husband and I use it all the time,"" +The researcher then asks, ""And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"" + +""We use it for sex."" + +The researcher was a little taken back. ""Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"" + +The woman says, ""I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."" + +And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke." +1.3396839142671575,"A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie... + The man decided to try it out at dinner. + +Dad: Son, where were you during school hours? + +Son: At school. + + +The robot slaps the son. + + +Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD. + +Dad: Which one? + +Son: Kung Fu Panda + + +The robot slaps the son again. + + +Son: Ok! It was a porno. + +Dad: What!? When I was your age I didnt even know what porno was. + + +The robot slaps the dad. + + + + +Mom: HAHAHAHAHA. He is your son after all! + + +The robot slaps the mom. +" +0.11344446849967525,"I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record... + ...she called me a riceist" +0.22255899545356136,"Where's your bin? + A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin. + +""Hey bub, where's ya bin`"" +""I took a little vacation for a few weeks,"" +""No. I meant where's your bin?"" +""Told ya, vacation, at the beach!"" +""No man. Where's ya wheely bin?"" +""Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Happy now?""" +0.6079237930287941,"When does 1+1=3? + When you don't use a condom." +0.12989824637367395,"“I OBJECT!” the defendant screams in court. + The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, “No…you human.”" +0.19224940463303744,"I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter... + I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school. " +0.0753409828967309,"I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people. + But none of them work" +0.030309590820523924,"A quite mean joke + A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. +The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. +Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells ""We got him!""" +0.9058237713790864,"All this 'Frozen' merchandise is just getting ridiculous. + I was at the supermarket earlier and they've now got a whole bloody aisle just for Frozen stuff. " +0.1437540593201992,"Angry feminist told me that men are animals, men are pigs! + So I told her that women are equal to men." +0.0987226672439922,"I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high... + She looked surprised. " +0.4433860142888071,"A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but pants... + The host asks: ""What are you supposed to be?"" + +The man replies: ""I am a premature ejaculation!"" + +To which the host replies: ""Interesting... But why are you not wearing a shirt or shoes or a hat or anything else?"" + +The man says: ""Well I just came in my pants!""" +0.0017319766183156527,"How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb? + One, but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out." +0.8885040051959299,"I played for a homeless mans funeral + As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. + +I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. + +I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. + +The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. + +And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. + +As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”" +0.08919679584325611,"The NSA + The only part of the government that actually listens " +0.07447499458757306,"A man and his monkey + A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. + +The bartender screams at the guy, ""Did you see what your monkey just did?"" + +The guy says, ""No, what?"" + +""He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!"", says the bartender. + +""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"" replied the patron. ""He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."" He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. + +Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. + +The bartender is disgusted. ""Did you see what your monkey did now?"", he asks. + +""Now what?"", responds the patron. + +""Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!"" says the barkeeper. + +""Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"" replied the patron. ""He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first." +0.2035072526520892,"Me: ""Siri, why am I single?"" + Siri: *opens front face camera*" +0.27451829400303096,"What's the worst part of an NFL wedding? + Getting hit by Rice" +0.9162156310889803,"A dad walks by his son's bedroom... + And hears the kid praying. ""God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa."" The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed. + +The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but decides it's just coincidence. + +That night, the kid prayed again. ""God bless mommy and daddy. Tata, grandma."" He is a little worried, but decides to brush it off. + +The next morning, grandma is dead. He is starting to freak out now, and decides to wait by the bedroom door when the kid prays again. + +""God bless mommy. Tata, daddy."" He absolutely flipped out, stayed awake that night and went to the doctor in the morning. When he got back, he found his wife waiting for him. And she said, + +""Thank god you're here! I found the milkman dead on the porch this morning!"" " +1.2530850833513747,"A woman is packing up and leaving her husband... + and tells him she's moving to Las Vegas. The husband asks, ""Why Las Vegas?"" + +She says from what she understands, she can get $100 for every blowjob she gives. Upon telling her husband this he starts packing as well. The wife asks, ""Where are you going?"" + + The husband says, ""I'm going to Las Vegas too! I want to see how you can live off $200 a year!""" +0.25113660965576967,"19 and 20 got in a fight + 21" +0.027711625893050443,"After years of poor yields, Old McDonald will have to sell his farm... + ... to cover what he e-i-e-i owes." +0.22169300714440354,"9/11 Threesome. + When twins go down on you. " +1.112794977267807,"I had a gay friend in high school... + ...who fell into a coma. We called him Tomato: he was a fruit and a vegetable." +0.5308508335137475,"How many Black Lives Matters protesters does it take to change a light bulb? + Don't be silly, Black Lives Matters protesters can't change anything." +0.44165403767049144,"A man take his dog to the vet, and then... + A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and asks, ""my dog's cross-eyed... is there anything you can do for him?"" + +""Well,"" says the vet, ""let's have a look at him"" So, he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then teeth. + +Finally, he says ""I'm going to have to put him down."" + +""Why? Because he's cross-eyed?"" + +""No, because he's really heavy.""" +0.1636717904308292,"My girlfriend found one of my puns so funny that she flew into space and told it to an alien. Unfortunately, the alien didn't laugh. + Personally, I think she took the joke a bit too far. " +0.06927906473262611,"""Yoda, are we supposed to be here?"" + ""Off course we are.""" +0.002597964927473479,"'' I'm suffering from a very rare medical condition... + A man and a woman are sitting beside each other on a flight to New York. + +The woman sneezes, takes out a tissue, gently wipes her nose and then visibly shudders for about ten seconds. +A few minutes later the woman sneezes again. + +Once more, she takes a tissue, wipes her nose and then shudders. + +A few more minutes pass before the woman sneezes and violently shudders again. + +Curious, the man says, ""I can't help noticing that you shudder every time you sneeze. Are you OK? "" + +""I'm so sorry if I'm disturbing you,"" says the woman. ''I'm suffering from a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."" + +""Are you taking anything for it?"" he asks. ""Yes, "" says the woman. ""Pepper. """ +2.9036588006061916,"I was awakened with a blowjob today + I need to start sleeping with my mouth closed." +1.715522840441654,"I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch. + He can binomial." +0.08833080753409829,"GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK + This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers + stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the + door saying ""GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"" + He goes in and sits down. + + The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of + geeky, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he + drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. + The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not geeks, and serves him a beer. + + As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape + around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and + pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without + saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck + driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the + geeks are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. + You don't even need a license, he said. + So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, + and heads back onto the freeway. + + Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. + The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. + He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the + computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers + wearing the geekiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal + his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls + out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. + + A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car + screaming at him to stop. + + The truck driver said ""What's wrong? I thought geeks were in season."" + + ""Well, sure,"" said the patrolman, ""But you can't bait 'em."" +" +0.3463953236631305,"A man walks into a brothel... + A man walks into a brothel. He walks up to the proprietor and says: ""What can I get for $1?"" + +The proprietor says: ""Go up the stairs and into the room on the right."" + +The man walks into the room and sits on the bed, when he notices a small door at the bottom of one of the walls. The door opens up, and a chicken comes walking out. + +The man figures out what he has to do, and has his way with the chicken. + +The chicken is disgusted, and leaves. + +The man comes back the next day and says to the proprietor: ""I didn't really like that, and I'd like a refund."" + +The proprietor says: ""Oh, good sir, trust me. Go up the stairs, but this time go into the room on the left, and you won't want your dollar back."" + +So the man goes into the room, and this room is much larger than the other, with theatre-type seating, and a big curtain on one side. + +A few people are scattered throughout the seats, and the man sits down. The curtain opens up, and it's actually a plexi-glass window into another room, and the people in the seats are watching an orgy. + +The man leans over to a guy sitting next to him and says: ""Man, this is something, huh?"" + +The other guy says: ""You should have been here yesterday. Some guy was fucking a chicken.""" +0.05022732193115393,"My transgender uncle is a superhero... + We call him Aunt-Man. " +0.5014072310023815,"I spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer. + No one will do it." +0.33080753409828967,"Wendy was a prostitute. + Wendy was a prostitute and didn't want her granny to know. +One day police came across the brothel that she worked at and ordered all prostitutes to stand in a line, so that they could take their names one by one. +Suddenly, granny comes along and notices Wendy in the line which was now leading outside, and so she walked up to her and said. +""Wendy dear, why are you standing in this line full of prostitutes?"" +Wendy lied and told granny that the police were giving out free oranges, and she wanted some. +""That's nice."" Said granny and so she went to to back of the line as she wanted some for herself. +Eventually the police get to her and say ""Tut tut tut, still at it your age old lady, how do you do it?"" +Granny smiles and simply replies ""It's easy dear, I just pull the skin back and suck them dry!""" +0.07447499458757306,"My son was so upset when he didn't get a gaming pc for his birthday + luckily, this playstation was able to..........console him" +0.22082701883524572,"My neighbour really pissed me off last night... + He kept playing the same Lionel Richie song over and over. I wouldn't mind normally but it was all night long." +0.917947607707296,"What does a vegetable get in bowling? + A-spare-I-guess" +0.058887205022732196,"When I see a woman driving a bus + When I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality. +` +And then I wait for the next bus." +0.5143970556397489,"The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial + The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going" +0.7638016886772029,"I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery. + As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said. +'Do you know what the key to comedy is?' +Then I smiled and passed out. + +When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'. + +I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :) + +Great success." +0.1576098722667244,"A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance... + As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says ""9"", followed by giggling. The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the entrance had said he was a 9. + +""Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German.""" +1.0253301580428664,"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? + Because he drank his tea before it was cool." +3.3011474345096343,"My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. + So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die. " +1.421952803637151,"A Golden Oldie Blonde joke... + A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.” + +Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” + +The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” + +Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” + +He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then…” + +He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.” +" +0.15154795410261962,"My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't + The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in." +0.10132063217146568,"An elderly couple sits in church + The old lady leans over and whispers, ""I just let out a really big silent fart, what should I do? "" +The old man says, ""you should replace the batteries in your hearing aid. """ +0.08833080753409829,"69 + I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, ""No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.""" +1.575232734358086,"Man in ecstasy + He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out. + +It was going on 20 minutes at this point... + +Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted: + +*""OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!""*" +0.032041567438839576,"Bacon, Eggs, and Toast walk into a bar. . . + The bartender yells, ""Get the hell out of here! We don't serve breakfast!""" +0.36025113660965574,"A Woman Takes Her Secret Lover Home During The Day While Her Husband Is At Work. + Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. + +The Woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. + +The little boy says, ""Dark in here."" + +The man says, ""Yes, it is."" + +Boy: ""I have a baseball..."" + +Man: ""That's nice."" + +Boy: ""Want to buy it?"" + +Man: ""No thanks."" + +Boy: ""My Dad is outside..."" + +Man: ""OK, how much?"" + +Boy: ""$250"" + +In the next few weeks, it happens agin that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. + +Boy: ""Dark in here."" + +Man: ""Yes, it is."" + +Boy: ""I have a baseball glove."" + +The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ""How much?"" + +Boy: ""$750"" + +Man: ""Sold."" + +A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, ""Grab your glove, lets go outside and have a game of catch."" + +The boy says, ""I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."" + +The Dad asks, ""How much did you sell them for?"" + +Boy: ""$1000"" + +The Dad says, ""Thats terrible to over charge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."" + +They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the little door.. + +The boy says, ""Dark in here."" + +The Priest says, ""Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now!"" +" +1.2374972937865338,"Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… + followed by Batman." +0.36977700801039187,"I try to teach my mom something new everyday + Because apparently you're supposed to learn from your mistakes." +1.7614202208270189,"Bacon Tree + Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...: + + + +""Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."" + + + +""Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."" + + + +With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. + + + +There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork. + + + +""Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree!"" + + + +""Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the dessert, don't forget."" + + + +""Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."" + + + +And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath: + + + +""Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"" + + + +""Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"" + + + +""Pepe ... ees not a bacon tree ... Ees + + + + +Ees + + + + +Ees + + + + +Ees + + + + + +Ees a ham bush...!"" " +1.4332106516562026,"Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives? + For shits and giggles." +0.16193981381251354,"What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? + A gun only has one trigger." +0.478891534964278,"A man asks his wife ""Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"" + She said ""I don't like to call you at work""." +0.47715955834596235,"Why do riot police like to get to work early? + To beat the crowd." +1.4695821606408312,"What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? + They both like to pop open a nice cold one." +0.5845421086815328,"A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise + The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes." +3.0300930937432344,"A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade. + The student comes up to the professor, ""What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"" + +The professor looks at the exam again, ""Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"" + +The student takes the exam back, and asks ""If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"" +The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it. + +The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. +The student then says ""If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?"" +The professor is once again shocked, ""He can't pull out his nose"" he thinks to himself. +He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. + +The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. + +The student then makes another offer: ""If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?"" + +The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. +The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. ""What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!"" + +The student then goes ""Fine, we'll leave it at 90""." +0.7594717471314137,"A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up... + When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes. + +""Do you know why I asked you to do that?"" He asks, hesitantly. +""Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine."" +""That's right!"" He says. + +After she strips, he starts groping her breasts. +""Do you know what I'm doing now? +""Sure,"" she says, ""you're checking for lumps."" + +The doctor, growing more bold, slips his finger between her legs. +""Do you know what I'm doing now?"" +""Yes, you're checking for any problems down there."" +""That's exactly right!"" The doctor says. + +He can't contain himself any longer and proceeds to pull out his cock and begin thrusting it in and out of her like a crazed animal. + +""Do you know what I'm doing now?"" The doctor asks, panting. +The woman responds, ""Yes, you're getting herpes.""" +0.0077938947824204375,"Ever hear the joke about the baby with aids? + Aww, man. It *never* gets old. " +0.2649924226022949,"Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench... + A man wearing a long raincoat approaches, opens it and flashes them. + +Two of the ladies immediately have a stroke. The third couldn't reach." +0.02424767265641914,"What do you call it when ISIS soldiers run for cover? + 100 meter Daesh" +0.9092877246157177,"In my 4th grade class the cutest girl threw away my love letter.. + ..so I failed her!" +0.144620047629357,"Little Johnny. + The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. + + Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."" + +The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” + +Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.” + +The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” + +Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. + +Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” + +The teacher sat down and cried." +0.13855812946525223,"A elderly couple are sitting on their porch in their rocking chairs, watching the world go by... + ...suddenly the old lady reaches over and smacks her husband upside the head so hard he falls out of his chair onto the porch. He slowly stands back up, rubbing his back. +""What the hell was that for?"" he asks. +""For 47 years of terrible sex,"" comes the answer. The old man stares at his wife for a moment, then shakes his head and slowly climbing back into his chair to resume his rocking. + +A few minutes later, the old man's arm suddenly shoots out, smacking the old lady so hard she tumbles out of the chair and all the way down the porch steps. + +""And just what the hell what was THAT for?"" she demands. + +""For knowing the difference.""" +1.371725481705997,"It's not possible to have a 12 inch penis... + because then it would be considered a foot. " +0.678068846070578,"3 unwritten rules of life: + 1. + +2. + +3." +0.29183806018618746,"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. + Well, they're not laughing now." +0.18185754492314354,"No actually I am not single + I am taken + + + + + + + + + + +For granted " +0.03637150898462871,"I lost my watch at a party once... + An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch." +0.14288807101104134,"My Son Has Gonorrhoea + 'Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,' a patient told his urologist on the phone. 'The only woman he's screwed is our maid.' + +'Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid,' the medic soothed. 'Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him.' + +'But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has.' + +'Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up.' Replied the doctor. 'Well,' the man admitted, ' I think my wife now has it too.' + +'Son of a bitch!' the physician roared. 'That means we've all got it!'" +0.4485819441437541,"*Offensive* A man walking along the train tracks stumbles upon a genie's lamp + The man rubs the lamp & the genie grants him 3 wishes, but a young boy nearby witnesses it all unfold. As the man is about to make his wishes, a train passes by and the curious boy is unable to hear his wishes... when the train is done passing, the genie is gone, but the man is still there, counting money while getting a massage from a gorgeous woman. + +The next day, the boy hears that the man is dead, hung from a tree by men wearing white robes, affiliated with the KKK. + +The boy confused, goes back to the train track where he saw the lamp and decides to rub it to see what happens... the genie comes out and says ""sorry, I'm all out of wishes"". + +The boy says, OK, but tell me one thing, what did the man wish for yesterday? The genie replies: his first wish was to be rich, his second wish was to have a gorgeous wife, and his third wish was to be hung like a black man +" +0.32041567438839574,"I met a girl in the park the other evening. + There was instant spark between us. She immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As I lay there, making love, I thought, ""These taser guns are well worth the money.""" +0.692790647326261,"Headache and testicles + + +Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. + +He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor. + +The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. +The bad news is that it will require castration. +You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. + +The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' + +Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for. + +He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000. + +When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. + +As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. + +He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.' + +He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.' + +The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long. + +Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' + +'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. + +Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. + +As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' + +Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' + +The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' + +Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' + +'Been in the business 60 years.' + +Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly. + +Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?' + +Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..' + +The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36. + +Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..' + +The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'" +0.3273435808616584,"Irish funeral + A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. +The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: +""I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"" +""My wife's."" +''What happened to her?"" +""She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."" + +He inquired further, ""But who is in the second hearse?"" + +The man answered, ""My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."" + +A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. + +""Can I borrow the dog?"" + +The man replied, ""Get in line."" +" +0.0987226672439922,"What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years? + Church." +0.3836328209569171,"How does an ant put on a tie? + With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke." +0.04070145053041784,"Santa needs advice. + Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, ""Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring you that?"" ""Yes,"" replies the little girl. ""Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!"" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, ""Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring YOU that?"" The cop chuckles and replies, ""He sure did!"" ""Well,"" says the little girl, ""Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!""" +0.19138341632387962,"A man goes into a supermarket to buy a half head of lettuce... (2 punch lines for the price of 1) + He goes up to a teenager stocking the shelves and asks, ""I'm looking to buy a half-head of lettuce, do you have any?"" +The teenager replies, ""Not that I know of, let me go check in the back."" +So, he goes into the back, finds his manager, and says, ""Can you believe there's some fuckin' asshole out there trying to buy a half head of lettuce?"" +His boss' eyes go wide and the teen turns around to see that the guy has followed him into the back. Without missing a beat, he continues, ""And this fine gentleman is looking to buy the other half!"" + + +So after the guy leaves, the manager calls the kid into his office and says ""I really liked how quick on your feet you were out there today. Where are you from?"" +""Canada,"" replies the teen. +""Ah, wonderful people, those Canadians,"" says the manager. +""Nah, they're just a bunch of hockey players and whores,"" the teen smirks. +The managers' eyes narrow and he tightly says ""You know, my wife is Canadian."" +""No kidding!"" Says the teen, ""What team does she play for?"" + +" +0.7118423901277333,"Recent study has revealed that masturbation might help curing the common cold. + Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left.." +0.917947607707296,"I failed my chemistry lab exam. + I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros." +0.6685429746698419,"Did you hear about Greek porn? + They can't do money shots anymore" +1.2210435159125352,"How do you split Rome in half? + You use a pair of caesars." +0.013855812946525221,"A guy says to his wife ""why don't you ever tell me when you orgasm?"" + She replies, ""I don't like ringing you at work.""" +0.2658584109114527,"I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! + At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse. " +3.5522840441654036,"I have two requirements in my will.... + 1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World +2) I do not want to be cremated." +0.24074474994587572,"Reddit, I need your darkest Christmas jokes to put in my Christmas cards! + " +0.01905174280147218,"Have you ever tried to eat a clock? + It's very time consuming." +0.124702316518727,"Thank God lent is over.... + not using condoms was definitely getting nerve-wracking." +2.8794111279497727,"A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink ..... + so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, ""How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck."" But he pays it anyways. + +The plumber tells him, ""Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."" + +The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. + +On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, ""What is the formula for the area of a circle?"" +John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, ""Switch the limits on the integral!""" +0.14981597748430397,"What do you call a formula that can predict Al Gore's dance moves? + An Al Gore Rhythm algorithm." +0.7265641913834163,"Why I won't carpool. + I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome." +0.18878545139640615,"I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said ""Watch for Children."" + I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex." +0.0077938947824204375,"A note to the mods + 🎵" +0.2753842823121888,"I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum. + It still has potential. " +0.4797575232734358,"The Bouncer + An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub. + +The doorman stops them and says, ‘Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.’" +0.0917947607707296,"So a Russian man shows up for a job interview. + He sits in a chair across from the interviewer on the top floor of a large corporate building. The interviewer, plainly unimpressed by the man sitting before him, decides to ask some loaded interview questions in order to quickly dispose of the Russian. + +""Welcome,"" says the interviewer. ""For your first question, I'd like you to draw the number 9 without using numbers."" He hands the Russian man a pad of paper and a pencil to complete the exercise. + +The Russian stares into space for a brief minute and then proceeds to draw three trees on the first piece of paper. He shows his drawings to the interviewer and says, ""Here. Tree, tree, and tree equals 9."" + +The interviewer is slightly taken aback by this show of ingenuity, but he pushes onward. ""Very well,"" he says. ""Now, do the same thing with the number 99."" + +The Russian's face goes blank as he stares into space for a time. Finally, he takes his pencil and draws a little smudge on the trunk of each tree. He gestures to the paper and says, ""Here. Now each tree is dirty. Dirty-tree, dirty-tree, and dirty-tree equals 99."" + +The interviewer is begrudgingly impressed, but he really does not want to hire this man. He decides on one final, loaded question. ""Fine. For your final question, perform the same exercise with the number 100."" + +The Russian man stares at the wall of the office for several minutes. Just as the interviewer is about to smugly ask him to leave, the Russian draws a little dot at the base of each tree on the paper. He points at the dots and says, ""Here. Little doggy come by and poop by each tree. Now is dirty-tree and a turd, dirty-tree and a turd, and dirty-tree and a turd. This is 100. When do I start?""" +0.48408746481922493,"A Scottish joke + An Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. + +As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be foundlocally, the call went out around the world. + +Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab. + +After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 in appreciation for the blood donation. + +A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure. + +Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood. + +After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. + +He then phoned the Arab and asked him: ""I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"" + +To this the Arab replied: ""Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins.""" +0.36025113660965574,"If I had a nickel for every time I thought of you + I'd start thinking about you." +0.25200259796492747,"A Man And his Duck go to the vet... + They go through to the treatment room and the doctor says; ""Sir, what can I do for you today?"" The man says; ""I've brought my duck in today because its really not well and I think its on its last hours."" the doctor feels the duck and says; ""I'll see what I can do."" + +The doctor brings in a dog, the dog licks the duck all over its body. The duck lifts its head up, but puts it back down again. + +""It didn't work."" The man said. + +The doctor leaves the room once again and this time brings in a cat. The cat sniffs the duck all over its body. The duck lifts its head up, but keels over and dies. + +""No, my duck! It's Dead!"" The man screamed. + +""I'm sorry, but that will be $3000 please."" + +""What? $3000? You didn't do anything at all!"" + +""It's $1500 for the Lab Test, and $1500 for the CAT scan.""" +0.42433427148733494,"My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films... + He forgot to show Up" +0.010391859709893916,"Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. + Apparently she stood him up. +" +0.002597964927473479,"A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river... + The brunette yells across, ""Help me get to the other side of the river!"" + +The blonde yells back, ""You *are* on the other side of the river!""" +0.18965143970556397,"What did one plate say to the other? + ""Lunch is on me.""" +0.5576964710976402,"My wife and I were having great difficulty conceiving. + We tried everything, got tested, tried in vitro, etc. Nothing worked. Finally, the doctor said we were putting too much pressure on ourselves. He said to throw away the charts and the thermometer and just enjoy sex again, doing it whenever the mood struck. + +On morning at breakfast, I was reading the paper and reached for the salt. My wife reached for it at the same time. Our fingers touched, our eyes met, and I swept everything off the table, picked up my wife and made love to her right there. Nine months later we had a baby. + +Of course, we still aren't allowed in our local Burger King, but I think it was worth it." +0.19917731110630008,"I hate when people share opinions without being asked. + " +0.09958865555315004,"Eyes + Two men are sitting in a bar, talking to eachother. One asks the other if he ever looks his wife in the eyes while making love. ""I did once"" the other responds, ""But I saw a lot of anger in her eyes"". The first, looking confused: ""Why was that?"" + +""Because she was looking from outside through the window!""" +1.925092011257848,"An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union + An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. + +Customs: What is that? + +Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say ""What is that?"" say ""Who is that?"" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! + +The official laughed and let the old man through. + +The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. + +Customs: What is that? + +Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say ""What is that?"" say ""Who is that?"" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. + +The official laughed and let him through. + +When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. +Grandson: Who is that? + +Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say ""Who is that?"" say ""What is that?"" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!" +0.2104351591253518,"On his Birthday, Peter was really upset... + On his Birthday, Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him. As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, ""Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"" He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, ""You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me."" Peter happily agreed They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, ""You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?"" Peter replied ""I suppose not. What do you have in mind?"" She said, ""Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."" After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, ""Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."" ""Ok."" He nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing ""Happy Birthday"". And Peter just sat there... On the couch... Naked..." +0.0822688893699935,"I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. + It reminds me why there's no fucking money in there." +0.37930287941112795,"I think winning the war on drugs is impossible. + I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs." +0.1506819657934618,"New research on dead crows! + Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. + +A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. + +However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% +were killed by an impact with a car. + +MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. + +They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout ""Cah"", not a single crow could shout ""Truck.""" +3.44230352890236,"My son got thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class jack him off... + I said ""Son, That's three schools this year...maybe teaching is not for you""" +0.26326044598397924,"I got a prison tattoo of mitochondria + Now I truly am the powerhouse of the cell" +0.11257848019051743,"What's worse than locking your keys in you car outside an abortion clinic? + Having to go inside and ask for a coathanger" +0.8001731976618316,"After days of driving, a trucker walks into a empty small-town diner and sees three signs above the counter. + The first reads ""Hamburger: $5,"" the second reads ""Cheeseburger: $6,"" and the third reads ""Handjob: $10."" As the man approached, a beautiful young woman dressed in an apron came out from the kitchen and asked coyly, ""What can I do for you, hon?"" + +""Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"" asked the trucker. + +""Why yes,"" answered the woman with a knowing smile. ""Yes I am."" + +""Well then go wash your fucking hands, because I want a cheeseburger.""" +0.9369993505087681,"My Wife won't like it + One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy. + +Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"" + +""Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks,"" I replied. + +""Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."" + +""That's mighty nice of you,"" I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."" + +""Oh, come on,"" Elizabeth insisted. + +She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak. + +""Well okay,"" I finally agreed, and added, ""but my wife won't like it."" + +After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. ""I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."" + +""Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"" + +""Under the cart!""" +0.5481705996969041,"3 women are talking about their sex lives. One is married with kids, one is engaged and one has a friend with benefits. + The 3 women decide together to give a suprise to their partners and say they will wear the same outfit: black leather lingerie, black eye mask and high heels. After a few days they meet again and discuss to compare the results. + +The engaged girl says ""well, when he got home and saw me with a black leather body, black eye mask and black high heels, he said 'you are the woman of my life, I love you' and we made love all night"". + +The girl with a FWB says ""well, the other day I went to his office, I was wearing a black leather body, a black eye mask, black high heels and a raincoat. When he opened the door and saw me, he didn't say a thing but we had the best sex of our lives. + +Then the married woman says ""well the other night, I sent the kids to my mom's house. When he got home, I was wearing a black leather body, a black eye mask, black high heels and perfume. After getting in he saw me and asked: + + + +""So, what's for dinner, Batman?"" + +" +0.06321714656852133,"Three surgeons are sitting in a bar... + discussing which people are their favorite to operate on. + +The first surgeon looks at the other two, and tells them that his favorite patients are librarians. The other two then ask him why. + +""Well,"" he begins, ""I like librarians, because their insides are always filed away in alphabetical order."" + +The other two slowly nod in agreement. + +""My favorite kind of patients are electricians,"" the second blurts out. + +""Why?"" the others ask in tandem. + +""All of their innards are grouped together and color coded."" + +All three nod before all eyes fall on the third surgeon. + +The third muses for a moment before he says, ""Lawyers."" + +""Lawyers?"" the other two ask incredulously. + +""Yup, they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable.""" +0.20523922927040486,"Why was 10 traumatized? + Because it was in the middle of 9/11" +0.20523922927040486,"When does a joke become a dad joke? + When the punchline becomes apparent! + + +(Credit to the first dad who said this) +EDIT: I fucked up the joke, thanks /u/Daviddddddd" +0.7014505304178393,"I used to be a narcissist + But now look at me " +0.3186836977700801,"what is it called when your crush has a crush on you too? + Imagination." +0.478891534964278,"My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C + Don't worry though, he's 0K." +0.15241394241177744,"WARNING: dark jokes ahead + My girlfriend is into some really strange roleplay when we have sex. She always insists on pretending to be 14 years old. +I don't get why, she'll be 14 in a couple of years anyway + + +Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging ""WHYYYY!!??"". Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says ""I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead"" + + + +A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies ""I couldn't find it. + +Q: What's the best part about dead baby jokes? +A: They never get old. + +Q: What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? +A: Michael Phelps can finish a race. + +edit: front page ahah never thought this would get there thx guy ;) +/// + +Q: What's the difference between Jews and Santa Claus? +A: Santa comes down the chimney + +Q: What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew? +A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven + +Q: What's the difference between a nigger and a snow tire? +A: A snow tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it. + +Q: What do black people and bikes have in common? +A: They stop working when you take the chains off + +Q: What is the hardest part about being a pedophile? +A: Fitting in. + +Yesterday, I failed my biology exam. +The question was: Name something commonly found in cells. +Apparently, Niggers wasn't the right answer" +0.002597964927473479,"How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? + Just one, but it takes two doctors and a nurse to get it out." +0.03896947391210219,"A little boy is dragging a dead frog on a leash and goes to a whore house... + He walks in and asks the head mistress specifically for a whore with an std. The mistress confused asks the little boy why. The little boy says, ""well when I go home my parents will go out and leave me with a babysitter and she will have sex with me and get it, then when my parents get home my dad will take the babysitter home, bang her on the way and get it, then he will get home and give it to my mom, then when my dad goes to work tomorrow she will have sex with the mailman and give it to him and that's the asshole that ran over my pet frog." +0.23814678501840225,"Heaven or Hell .... + While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died. + +His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. + +""Welcome to heaven,"" says St.. Peter. ""Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."" + +""No problem, just let me in,"" says the Senator. + +""Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."" + +""Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,"" says the Senator. + +""I'm sorry, but we have our rules."" + +And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. + +The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. + +In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. + +Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. + +They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. + +Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. + +They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. + +Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. + +The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, ""Now it's time to visit heaven.” + +So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. + +""Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."" + +The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: ""Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."" + +So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell... + +Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground. + +The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. + +""I don't understand,"" stammers the Senator. ""Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"" + +The devil smiles at him and says, + +""Yesterday we were campaigning, + +Today, you voted.."" +" +0.7837194197878329,"What starts with an F and ends with a K? + +A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ""Harry, what's your problem?"" + + +Harry answered, ""I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"" + + +Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. + + +While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. + +Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. + + +Principal: ""What is 3 x 3?"" + +Harry: ""9."" + + +Principal: ""What is 6 x 6?"" + + +Harry: ""36."" + +And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. + +The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ""I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."" + + +Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ""Let me ask him some questions."" + +The principal and Harry both agreed. + + +Ms. Brooks asks, ""What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"" + + +Harry, after a moment: ""Legs."" + + +Ms Brooks: ""What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"" + + +The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! + + +Harry replied: ""Pockets."" + + +Ms. Brooks: ""What does a dog do that a man steps into?"" + + +Harry: ""Pants."" + + +The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. + +Ms. Brooks: ""What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"" + +The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ""Bubble gum."" + + +Ms. Brooks: ""What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"" + +Harry: ""Shake hands."" + +The principal was trembling. + + +Ms. Brooks: ""What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"" + +Harry: ""Firetruck."" + +The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the +teacher, ""Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... """ +0.1931153929421953,"An engineer dies and goes to Hell + Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. + +The engineer is a pretty popular guy. + +One day God calls and asks Satan, ""So, how's it going down there?"" + +Satan says, ""Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."" + +God is horrified. ""What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!"" + +Satan says, ""No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."" + +God says, ""Send him back up here or I'll sue."" + +""Yeah, right,"" Satan laughs, ""and where are you going to get a lawyer?"" + +(crossposted from /r/funny)" +0.018185754492314354,"A tip for Snowden. + Apparently he is traveling all of the world but if you never want to appear in front of an American judge there is only one place to go... + + + +Guantanomo bay" +1.7094609222775492,"I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour... + On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell. " +2.319116691924659,"A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. + On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair. + +Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us. + +They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, ""Come on in"". When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, Are you the people that broke the window? + +Uh yeah, we're very sorry about that, the husband replied. + +""Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."" + +""Wow, that's great!"" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ""I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."" + +""No problem,"" said the genie, ""You've got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It's the least I can do."" + +""And now you, young lady, what do you want?"" the genie asked. + +""I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,"" she said. + +""Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name"" the genie said. + +""And now,"" the couple both asked in unison, ""what's your wish, genie?"" + +""Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."" + +The husband looked at his wife and said, ""Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"" + +She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ""You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."" + +The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, ""How old are you and your husband?"" + +""Why, we're both thirty-five,"" she responded breathlessly. + +""No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies...""" +0.8911019701234033,"Two men camping in the mountains.... + had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, ""You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. + +I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."" + +The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. + +That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. + +""Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"" + +The second friend says, ""I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."" + +""Wow!!"" the first guy exclaimed, ""Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"" + +""Nah,"" says the second friend over his meal, ""I couldn't find her head.""" +1.0660316085732842,"What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA? + You get kicked out of the petting zoo." +0.22255899545356136,"'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' + The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. + +The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.' +" +0.10045464386230786,"What's it called when you backtalk someone so hard they die? + A sassination." +1.1205888720502273,"My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony. + I was born ready. " +0.17233167352240744,"How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? + To get to the other side" +0.33686945226239445,"I just ended a 5 year relationship today. + It's okay. It wasn't my relationship. " +1.301580428664213,"My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much... + What a stupid thing to Fallout 4." +0.3022299198960814,"What do chinese people do when they have an erection? + they vote + +" +0.0034639532366313053,"Why do Lannisters have such big beds? GoT + because they push twins together to make a king. " +0.044165403767049145,"A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks ""Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?"" + The shop keepers heart melts. + +He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, ""Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?"" + +The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers . . . ""I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc.." +1.196795843256116,"Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted? + To get fucked by a third party?" +0.07967092444252002,"What did Hillary Clinton do when her email was hacked? + She asked Donald Trump to build a firewall." +0.012989824637367395,"There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. + He was saying, ""Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."" + +A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. +The kid said, ""I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."" +The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. + +His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, ""Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."" + +The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. +His son replied, ""That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!""" +0.0017319766183156527,"Why can't atheists solve exponential equations? + Because they don't believe in higher powers!" +0.3663130547737605,"A group of guys, all aged about 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch + Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were pretty. + +Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent. + + +Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean. + +Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. +Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator. + +Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. +Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before." +2.913184672006928,"Melania Trump's Speech + Sorry guys this one's a repost" +0.8252868586274086,"I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day... + As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door." +1.4730461138774626,"A man walks into a bar + and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about: + +""Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night"", the bartender answered. ""But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"" + +The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers: + +""Nah, the stakes are too high.""" +0.1212383632820957,"Who says men don't remember? + A couple were holiday shopping at the mall, and the place was +packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised +to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. + +She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she +became worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. + +In a quiet voice he said: ""Honey, do you remember the jewelry +store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with +that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you +that I would get it for you one day?"" + +The wife choked up and started to cry and said, ""Yes, I remember +that jewelry store."" + + +He replied: ""Well, I'm in the pub next door!""" +0.1636717904308292,"Two consonants and a vowel go into a bar... + " +0.05802121671357437,"Politicians are like Sperm + One in a million turn out to be an actual human being" +0.8296168001731976,"Blonde walks into a... + A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, ""come again?"" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, ""oh, no it's just mustard this time."" +" +0.07360900627841524,"The Cheesiest Joke I Know + What did the cracker say to the slice of cheddar? + +""Say, you're looking mighty sharp today!"" + +To which the cheddar replied, + +""Fuck you, white boy.""" +0.03463953236631306,"My girlfriend asked me how do i see lesbian relationships + Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the right answer." +0.2069712058887205,"a man comes into a bar... + or was it a horse? + +yeah i think it was a horse. + +so a man comes into a horse...." +0.06408313487767915,"Saint Peter Decides That Heaven Is Getting Too Full + Upon deciding this Saint Peter decides that only people who have had a really bad day on the day they died will be allowed in. + +The first guy comes in and SP says ""Sit down and tell me about your day."" To which the guy responds ""Today was the shittiest of my life. I came home early because I was pretty sure my wife was cheating on me. When I walked in she was naked in the back room so I knew the bastard was around. After searching for a while I couldn't find him but then I hear something out on the balcony. Now see we live in an apartment on the 3rd floor, I knew right away it was him. Sure enough I go out there to see hands hanging on the edge. I got so mad I grabbed the closest thing possible and beat his hands until he fell. Of course though the bastard falls into a patch of bushes and is *still* alive. Without thinking I grab the god damn refrigerator and throw it over the edge but when I did that I had an aneurysm and died."" + +Saint Peter sits there astounded and goes ""Well OK go into heaven, that sounds like a horrible day"" + +Once the first guy has left another man comes in and SP of course says ""Sit down and tell me about your day"" + +""Man, I dont know man. Just I was up in my apartment doing aerobics on my balcony. I live up on the fourth floor and I slipped. I managed to grab the balcony before me but man.... some maniac came out and beat my hands until I fell. I landed in some bushes and this fucker threw a refrigerator, *a fucking refrigerator* on top of me and I died."" + +SP is obviously amused at this point and says ""Go right on into heaven."" As he leaves SP smiles, grins from ear to ear. The day was going good. + +The next guy walks in and SP points to the chair containing himself. After a bit he says ""Alright tell me about your day."" + +The third guy grins ear to ear and says ""OK so picture this, I'm sitting naked in a refrigerator."" " +3.2691058670707944,"I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick... + She's still not talking to me :(" +0.14288807101104134,"As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked ”Are you going to put that up yourself?” + No you sick fuck, I'm putting it up in the living room." +0.9681749296384499,"God said to Adam ""I'm going to make you a woman"" + God: ""She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."" +Adam: ""That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"" +God: ""Oh, an arm and a leg."" +Adam: ""That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?""" +0.11344446849967525,"Did you hear about the guy who invented knock-knock jokes? + He won the nobel prize +" +0.1939813812513531,"Millionaire prostitute [NSFW] + A guy walks down the streets of Vegas, and sees a beautiful figure. He starts a friendly conversation and end up asking the big question: + +- How much does it cost? +- $500 for a handjob +- What!? 500 bucks for a handjob? that can't be! no handjob is worth that money! + +The Hooker asks him: + +- Do you see that restaurant on the corner? +- Yes +- Do you see that restaurant on the other corner? +- Yes +- And that other one too? +- Yes! +- Well, they're mine cuz my handjobs are worth 500 bucks. + +The Guy thinks: +""Fuck it! We only live once!"" + +They then go to a motel nearby.... +After, he sits in bed only to realize that he had the best handjob in the world, that it was truly worth $500. He's so amazed that he says: + +- a blowjob should be $1000? +- No, $3000. + +He in complete shock with what just happened, says: +- It's not possible for a blowjob to cost 3000 bucks, no one would pay for that. + +She then answers: +- Come here to the windows, handsome. Do you see that cassino over there? well, it's mine + +He, thinking about the amazing experience he just had, decides to delay the buying of a new car, and goes for it. + +Ten minutes later, he is sitting in bed, even more amazed. He can barely believe, it was worth every penny. + +He, then, decides to get his hands on his savings for an unforgettable experience, and asks. + +- What about the pussy? It should be $5000, 6000, 7000. + +The Hooker answers: + +- Come here to the window. +Do you see the entire city of Las Vegas? With all it's bright lights, cassinos, wonderful hotels, show houses and restaurants? + +Damn! aswers the man +- You own it all? + +No, but I would, if I had a pussy! + +" +0.0753409828967309,"Damn girl, did you fall from heaven? + Cause you're Satan." +0.24334271487334921,"As a guitarist, I sometimes get asked to play for people. + Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man at 11am. + +He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery on the far outskirts of town.. + +As I was not familiar with the remote areas, I got lost. + +I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently left and the hearse was nowhere in sight. + +There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. + +I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. + +I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. + +I didn’t know what else to do. I felt terrible having missed this poor man's service. So I started to play. + +The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. + +I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. + +I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. + +And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. + +They wept, I wept, we all wept together. It was somber, and yet, we were together as one. + +When I finished, I packed up my guitar and started for my car. + +Though my head hung low, my heart was full. + +As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, + +“I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” + +Apparently, I was still lost…" +0.3386014288807101,"Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s? + Because they literally can't even. " +0.997618532149816,"Why did Pavlov have extra soft hair? + Classical conditioning" +0.13163022299198962,"What ""being a man"" is about + A little boy asks his father: ""Dad, what does it mean to be a man"". The father replies: ""well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions"". + +""Well"" - the kid answers - ""then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is"". " +0.0917947607707296,"How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? + Well it depends on what you mean by change." +0.018185754492314354,"After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. + The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. + +> Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. + +Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire. + +- +> Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. + +Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. + +- +> Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. + +Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit. + +- +> Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. + +Engineers: Live bugs on back-order. + +- +> Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. + +Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. + +- +> Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. + +Engineers: Evidence removed. + +- +> Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. + +Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level. + +- +> Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. + +Engineers: That's what friction locks are for. + +- +> Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. + +Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. + +- +> Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. + +Engineers: Suspect you're right. + +- +> Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. + +Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search. + +- +> Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. + +Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. + +- +> Pilot: Target radar hums. + +Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. + +- +> Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. + +Engineers: Cat installed. + +- +> Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. + +Engineers: Took hammer away from midget" +1.1101970123403333,"An eccentric billionaire throws a lavish party... + Please bear with me as I heard/read this one years ago so I might not recall the details correctly: + +An eccentric billionaire is throwing a lavish party with guests from all over the world. As the party is well under way he asks his guests to walk over to his Olympic sized swimming pool where he had it filled with all kinds of dangerous creatures, sharks, piranhas, crocodiles, you name it it is there! So he tells his guests ""I will give anything to the person who is brave enough to jump in the pool and swim across!"" The place falls silent as the guests only whisper amongst themselves in bewilderment. ""Anything that person can dream of will be his!"" the billionaire tells the guests again. Suddenly a large splash is heard and a guy is seen struggling to swim through, and miraculously he makes it across! The room erupts in cheers and the billionaire approaches the man who swam across, and tells him ""I am a man of my word, and since you made it across what do you desire? Money, mansions, my daughters hand in marriage?"" The man still visibly shaken and struggling to catch his breath replies ""I just want to know the name of the son of a bitch who pushed me in the pool!""" +0.6616150681965793,"A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship... + So he goes up to the captain and asks ""What do you guys use when you get horny?"" + +  + +The captain says: ""There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that"". + +  +Guy: ""Great when can I use it?"" + +  +Captain: ""You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday"". + +  +Guy: ""Why not Tuesday?"" + +  +The captain grinned and said: ""Cause that's your day in the barrel.""" +0.7256982030742585,"I asked my North Korean friend how it was there + He said he couldn't complain" +0.9040917947607707,"Superman is flying around, super horny. + He's flying over a building when he sees Batgirl on the roof, totally naked, legs spread, moaning, ""Give it to me. Give it to me!"" +Superman thinks he might get in trouble with Batman if he bangs Batgirl, but she's begging for it and he can just use his super speed to get the job done quick. So he does. He flys down to the roof and, super fast, humps the hell out of Batgirl. He's done in a few seconds and, wanting to avoid any confrontation, flys off just as fast. +Batgirl is shocked. ""What the hell was that?!?!"" +""I don't know but it hurt like hell"", says the invisible man. " +0.08746481922494047,"My daughter asked if I am going to die someday + I said ""Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."" + +She looked relieved." +2.1329292054557265,"A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back... + ""So what the hell are you supposed to be?"" the host asked. ""I'm a snail."" The bloke replied. ""What a load of rubbish!"" the host spat. ""How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"" ""That's not a any girl, mate,"" the bloke replied, ""that's Michelle"". " +0.22775492530850833,"Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor.. + Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor. One of the men goes under the table to pick up the cards, and as he looks up he can see up his friend's wife's dress and that she isn't wearing any underwear. + +Blushing coming up from the table, he sets the cards down and they continue to play. A little while later while going to get a drink from the fridge, the other wife approaches him and asks, ""When you were looking for the cards, did you find anything to your liking?"" + +Awkwardly, he replies, ""Actually yes, I did."" + +""If you'd like some more, show up tomorrow at 1 pm and bring 100$. You can like it a little more then."", she whispers to him. + +He kindly agrees and the next day he shows up at 1 pm with 100$. He hands her the money and they proceed to have at each other, in every conceivable way, for several hours. After the deed is done, he leaves the house. + +Holding the money in her hand, the phone rings 10 minutes later. It's her husband, ""Hey, did Mike come by today at around 1 pm?"" + +Ashamed and a little frightened, she says, ""Uh, yes he did."" + +""Did he happen to give you 100$?"", he replies promptly. + +Her heart sinks, ""Y-y-yes, he did."" + +""Ah, ok. Good. He came by earlier and asked to borrow 100$. He said he'd drop it off at the house today at 1 pm""" +1.282528685862741,"I didn't know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Society meeting... + So I just came in my pants." +0.21563108898029876,"""Of course I won't laugh."" + Said the nurse. ""I am a professional. In over 20 years of working here, I've never laughed at a patient."" + +""Okay, then,"" Said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery. + +Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to suppress a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very bad at laughing at the mans part she composed herself as well as she could. ""I am very sorry,"" she said. ""I don't know what came over me. On my honor, as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"" + +""Its swollen,"" Bob replied. + +She ran out of the room." +0.23208486685429747,"My wife caught me cheating + My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that I have been cheating on her with Clara next door. Last night, she packed her things and was off on her way. + +I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone." +0.7239662264559429,"What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza? + Little Caesars + +http://imgur.com/QdWVk4r" +3.954968607923793,"The Irish Millionaire + Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. + +""You've done very well so far,"" said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, ""but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"" + +""Sure,"" said Mick. ""I'll have a go!"" + +""Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? + +a) Sparrow + + + +b) Thrush, + + + +c) Magpie, + + + +d) Cuckoo?"" + + + +""I haven't got a clue."" said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."" + + + +Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. + +""Fookin hell, Mick!"" cried Paddy. ""Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."" + +""Are you sure?"" + +""I'm fookin sure."" + +Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, ""I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."" + +""Is that your final answer?"" asked Chris. + +""Dat it is."" + +There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, ""Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"" + +The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink. + +""Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"" + +""Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"" + +Edit: Sorry, I got this in an Email forward and probably should have edited out the Irishness before posting it here. +" +0.1636717904308292,"Three blondes were walking through a forest... + Three blondes were walking through a forest when they came across a set of tracks. They stopped, bewildered, wondering what animal could have made them. The first blonde says, ""I know, those are moose tracks."" The second blonde goes, ""no, those are bear tracks."" The third blonde says, ""guys, those are definitely wolf tracks."" They were still arguing when the train hit them. " +0.00952587140073609,"What rock group has 4 men that don't sing? + Mount Rushmore" +0.5957999567005845,"A 3-year-old is watching his mum get changed... + As she drops her knickers, he points at her crotch and asks: ""Mum, what is that?!"" + +Panicking, the mother quips ""Oh, that's... that's where god hit me with an axe..."" + +""Phwoar"" Says the boy... ""Right in the cunt!""" +0.7101104135094176,"The Nun + A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, ""Please may I hide under your skirt? I will explain later."" + +The nun agreed. A moment later Military Police ran up and asked, ""Sister, have you seen a soldier run by here?"" + + The nun replied, ""Nope, not today sir, god bless you"" After the Police ran the other direction the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, ""I can't thank you enough Sister, you see, I don't want to go to war in Iran."" The nun said, ""I understand completely."" The soldier added, ""I hope this isn't rude sister but you have a great set of legs!"" + + The nun replied ""Well, If you had looked a little higher you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iran either!""" +0.013855812946525221,"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? + Put it in the oven until its bill withers." +0.10824853864472829,"Redneck Sex.... + A brother and sister are having sex + +And randomly the sister just starts giggling + +The brother asks ""what's so damn funny?"" + +She responds: ""you fuck just like dad"" + +The brother begins to laugh and says: ""I know, mom told me""" +0.7741935483870968,"An old couple is sitting in church + The wife turns to the husband and says, ""I just let out a silent fart. What should I do."" + +""Put new batteries in your hearing aids.""" +1.351807750595367,"Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber? + He had locomotives." +2.5165620264126436,"What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray? + HDMI" +0.44165403767049144,"""You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm."" I told the prostitute. + ""That's not true,"" she replied, + +""Of course it is,"" I laughed, ""What do you mean?"" + +She said, ""I'm a man.""" +0.27451829400303096,"Do Russians only write in lower case letters? + I mean, they hate Capitalism." +0.7499458757306776,"A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. + The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. + The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! + All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ""Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."" + ""My darling,"" he replied, ""Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."" +" +0.6789348343797359,"Since I installed adblock, my popularity with hot girls in my area has plummeted + " +0.7932452911885689,"Bill Gates Goes Fishing + Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge. + +""WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!"" the fish screams. + +Bill answers: ""oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway"" and sets him free. + +The fish turns around and say: ""Thank you, now how about a wish?"" + +Bill answers: ""Oh alright... what do you want?"" +" +1.646243775709028,"A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit + He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart. + +He screamed at the recruit, ""You hate me don't you?!?"" +The recruit responded as calmly as possible, ""Sir, no sir."" +The instructor yelled back, ""You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!?"" +The recruit retorted, ""Sir, no way. When I get out of the service, I will not fucking wait in line for anything! Sir."" " +0.23814678501840225,"What's the difference between USA and USB? + One connects to all your devices & access your data, and the other is a hardware standard." +0.09439272569820308,"Want to hear about the worst blowjob I ever had? + It was awesome" +0.40268456375838924,"Man goes to a wizard + A man goes to see a wizard and says: + +""Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"" + + ""Maybe,"" says the wizard, ""Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"" + +The man replies, ""I pronounce you man and wife.""" +0.14635202424767266,"Why are black people unable to get a PhD + Because they can't get past their masters." +0.044165403767049145,"An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. + He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared. + +Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, ""What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"" +Without batting an eye, the old man replied, ""Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son. + +" +0.3585191599913401,"A woman is at her father’s deathbed. + She hasn’t seen him in years and now they only have a few moments left. +“Dad, I’m sorry,” she whispers. +“Goodbye, Sorry,” he says, “*I’m dead.*”" +0.36198311322797144,"Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? + A: A can't opener. " +0.3273435808616584,"My girlfriend was on her. + So I put it in her:" +0.022515696038103484,"A joke told by an old man. + I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america. + +Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get. + +Me: Sucks you can not do that today! + +Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . ." +0.04762935700368045,"What did the sushi say to the bee? + WASABI. + + + +Ah, best lame joke ever." +0.005195929854946958,"My friend Phillip got his lip removed yesterday.. + we call him Phil now" +0.005195929854946958,"A man walked into a hospital with 8 plastic horses in his rectum. + They described his condition as ""stable""" +0.9794327776575016,"Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person + ""Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened."" -Adolf Hitler, 1945" +0.01905174280147218,"A young blonde comes home from school + A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, ""Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"" + +""Yes, dear,"" replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. + +""But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?""" +0.164537778739987,"Baseball in Heaven + Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says: + + ""Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."" + + Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name. + + ""Who's there?"" he called out. + +""Moe! It's me Sam!"" + +""Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?"" Moe asked. + +""It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad"" Sam told him. + +""Well tell me the good news first"" Moe replied. + +""Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."" + +""That's great."" Moe exclaimed, ""What's the bad news?"" + +""Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday.""" +0.39575665728512666,"What's the difference between a refugee and E.T? + E.T learned English and wanted to go home." +3.1097640181857544,"Why did the sperm cross the road? + Because I put on the wrong sock this morning." +0.06494912318683697,"wife's insisting to quit job + The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. +She's got a point, I suppose... + +I work in a hammer factory." +0.15327993072093526,"A Chinese man comes to America... + He brought all of his money over in RMB so he goes to a bank with 1000RMB and asks them to change it into dollars. The teller takes his money and gives him $650. + +A week later he's out of cash and goes back to the bank with another 1000RMB. He gives it to the teller and this time he only gets $625 back. Perplexed he asks the teller in a heavy chinese accent. + +""Hey, how come last time I get $650 dollar, this time only $625 dollar"" + +The teller shrugs and says ""Fluctuations"" + +The chinese man flies into a rage and storms out of bank and as he slams the door he turns and yells + +""FLUC U AMERICANS TOO""" +0.2814462004762936,"My Valentine is like the square root of -100... + A 10, but imaginary " +1.0045464386230787,"Maturbating when hooked up to a heart monitor really gets the nurses running around. They never know if you are coming or going. + " +0.4260662481056506,"Why are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit? (WARNING POKEMON JOKE) + Because swift never misses." +0.49707728945659235,"A bearded guy + A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts ""hijack!"". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says ""oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here..""" +0.1506819657934618,"Did you hear about Stevie Wonder getting a cheese grater for his birthday? + He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read. " +0.7594717471314137,"If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type, + I'd be her type." +1.8315652738688029,"How many LGBT supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? + The lightbulb is fine the way it is. Society just needs to change the way it looks at it. + +Edit: Wow front page. Didn't expect this big a response. +" +0.24767265641913835,"So, Schrödinger walks into a vet with his cat. The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. ""Sir, we have good news and bad news."" + " +0.5447066464602728,"How do you titillate an ocelot? + You oscillate its tits a lot." +0.03983546222126001,"A blind man walks into a lesbian bar. + So a blind older gentleman stumbles into a all lesbian bar. They see he is older and blind so they let him stay and have a few drinks. The blind man ask's the bartender ""You want to hear a blonde joke?"" The bartender replies "" Well, I am a blonde, the woman on your right is a defence instructor and she is blonde, and the two woman behind you are marines and they are blonde. Do you still want to tell your joke?"" The blind man responds ""Well not if I have to explain it four times""" +0.1437540593201992,"At a playground, a woman asked a man ""Which kid is yours?"" + The man replied ""Haven't decided yet.""" +0.12383632820956918,"Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. + For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. +The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor. +The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. +The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. +And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. + + +Credit goes to a friend who found it on tumblr" +0.578480190517428,"An 86-year-old man went to his doctor... + An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ""Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"" + +The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. ""I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."" + +""As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."" + +""Now, what do you think of that?"", asked the doctor. + +The 86-year-old said, ""Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."" + +The doctor replied, ""My point exactly."" + +[Not OC of course, but I haven't seen this posted here yet.]" +0.2987659666594501,"What is the difference between a baby and a feminist? + Eventually, the baby grows up and stops crying. + +Edit: This turned fun!" +0.413942411777441,"Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip. + Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip. + + + +Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. +Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. + + + + +Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire. + + + +""Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"" + + +""Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"" + + + +I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. + + +She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, ""now, you can do what ever you want."" + + + +So here I am. + + +" +0.7889153496427799,"I'm in the middle of hanging myself. + The suspense is killing me." +0.39662264559428445,"A will is a... + ...dead giveaway." +0.17146568521324962,"Mayweather won. + That's it, that's the joke." +0.1506819657934618,"A gorilla dies at the Zoo... + Just before the zoo opens. It's the only gorilla that that the zoo can afford, and it was by a large margin, the zoo's most popular attraction, so the owner goes to the former gorilla keeper and offers him an extra $300 every day if he'll put on a gorilla suit, go in the gorilla exhibit, and pretend to be a gorilla until the zoo can replace the deceased gorilla. + +After a bout a week, word catches on that the gorilla has been acting more and more interesting, and people are coming in from all over the state to see the new gorilla. The zoo is getting more and more money, and due to this the former gorilla keeper asks for a raise of $200 more dollars a day to keep up the act. The zoo owner agrees, so long as the patronage keeps up. + +Come another month, the interest in the gorilla has started to wear off, and the former keeper gets word. He creates an elaborate stunt to get more patrons and keep up his raise, by climbing over the enclosures fences, and climbing on top of the lions den. After dangling above the den for a good half hour, the man gets tired and slips into the den, and starts shouting ""Help me! Help me I don't want to die!"", Quickly a lion pounces on him and whispers in his ear ""Shut the fuck up before you get us both fired!""." +0.4572418272353323,"Three CEO's from different beer companies are sitting at a bar... + And the one from Bud light says, ""Alright barkeep, give me a tall glass of bud light!"" + +And then the second one, from Miller light says, ""ok barkeep, serve me a nice bottle of cold miller light!"" + +And then the CEO of Guinness says, well, ""I suppose I'll have a glass of Coca-Cola."" + +The other two turn to him like he's crazy and say, ""what, you aren't going to order Guinness?"" + +To which he replies, ""well if you two aren't going to order beer, neither am I!""" +0.042433427148733494,"Why these two fingers? + For my cake day, I present /r/jokes with a favorite of mine, told to me by my uncle during a cousin's wedding. I make no claims as to its origin, nor to the relative awesomeness of my family: + +Uncle: ""Hey, got a joke for ya. *(holds out first and middle fingers)* Why should a woman always masturbate with these two fingers?"" + +Me: ""I dunno, why?"" + +Uncle: ""Cuz they're mine.""" +0.8841740636501407,"I've been winning egg hunts since before I was even born. + " +0.018185754492314354,"Did you know that 69 is now 96? + With this worsening economy, it costs a lot more to eat out." +0.997618532149816,"What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable? + +Mrs Hawking." +0.17406365014072311,"If I had a dollar for everytime I got laid... + I'd be a prostitute." +0.898029876596666,"A wife took her husband to a strip club as a birthday treat. + The doorman greeted them, ""Hi Jim! How are you?"" + +""How does he know you?"" asked the wife. ""Oh dear, I play football with him,"" said Jim. + +Inside, the bartender asked, ""Hello Jim! The usual?"" + +Jim turned to his wife. ""Before you say anything, he and I are on the darts team."" + +Then a stripper walked up to them. ""Hi Jim! You craving the Special again?"" she giggled. + +The wife had enough and stormed out, dragging Jim along and pulling him into a taxi with her. + +The cab driver turned around. ""Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up a butt ugly one this time ..."" + +Jim's funeral is on Saturday." +0.013855812946525221,"Despite constantly dropping the ball... + Gravity is pretty reliable" +1.1292487551418056,"An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers. + The bartender gives him a strange look, but serves him his drinks. The Irishman takes them to a booth, clinks them together, and drinks them all. + +He then goes back to the bartender and orders another three beers, which he proceeds to drink in the same fashion. + +On his third round, the bartender can't help but ask him ""excuse me sir, I couldn't help but notice that your order your drinks in threes, if you don't mind telling me, I was wondering why that is"" + +The Irishman grins and says ""Well, I just moved here from me hometown. When me and me two best mates split ways, we agreed that we'd always have a drink for each other when we went out, so that we always drink together."" The bartender nods understandingly, and serves him his drinks. + +The Irishman keeps up this routine, coming to the bar at least twice a week and ordering three drinks at a time. + +One day the Irishman walks in, solemnly makes his way to bar, and orders two beers. The patrons and the bartender all see this, and they assume that something terrible has happened to one of his friends. However, they don't want to disturb him in his time of grief, so they refrain from asking him anything. + +When he goes to order his second round, the bartender can't help but remark ""I'm so sorry for your loss"". The Irishman looks up and says ""Me loss!? What in tarnation are ye talking aboot?"" + +The bartender says ""Well when you bought two drinks, I assumed that one of your friends had passed"" + +The Irishman laughs and says ""No, nothing of the sort. I quit drinking is all""." +0.03810348560294436,"I had a really funny joke... + but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime" +0.12730028144620048,"What gave Hitler a heart attack? + Seeing his gas bill" +0.41221043515912537,"After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted... + ...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications. + +The General sighed and shook his head. ""Some men just want to watch the world, Bern.""" +0.04762935700368045,"An Engineer Goes to Hell + One day a civil engineer dies and goes before St Peter. St Peter gravely tells him that he must go to Hell. + +So the engineer goes to Hell, looks around and thinks: 'What a shithole. Who designed this place?' So he says 'Hey! Satan...' + +A few years later, God discovers that the engineer was on the wrong list and should have been allowed entrance to Heaven. So God goes down to Satan and explains the situation to him, and demands the engineer back. + +Satan laughs at God and says 'You want HIM back? No fucking way. Look at this place: since he arrived, we've got R/C Aircon, elevators and escalators so we don't have to climb the mountains, we've got water filtration, comfortable accommodation, 24-hour electricity, we've got a new hotel with a pool that has a bar in the middle of it, the lighting's great, the beer's on tap in public fountains. Why the heck would I give this guy back to you? + +God says: 'Give him back, or I'll sue you.' + +Satan just laughs and asks 'And where are YOU going to get a lawyer?'" +0.2849101537129249,"Did you know that pigeons die after they have sex? + At least the one I fucked did. " +0.21130114743450965,"How are girls and school similar? + You can only fuck around between the periods. + +I don't know if you guys will find this funny, but I thought of this at lunch yesterday, may just be highschooler humour!" +0.35938514830049795,"What is the difference between your wife and your job? + After five years your job still sucks." +0.15934184888504005,"The best joke that I have ever heard :) + And the Lord said unto John, ""Come forth and you will receive eternal life"" +But John came fifth, and won a toaster" +0.41913834163238795,"My teenage daughter came home in a rage. + My teenage daughter came home in a rage. + +‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’ + +I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ " +0.11257848019051743,"Kinda scared for 2017 + Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 8 more" +0.09785667893483438,"Girlfriend said ""I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late.. + ..April fools!""" +0.03463953236631306,"My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard... + It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!" +2.537345745832431,"My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper. + But she screamed when I brought her one." +0.22775492530850833,"18 inch harry.. + A first-time John went to a whorehouse. He entered a private room, put $50 on the table and dropped his pants. + +At the sight of the man's 18-inch penis, the hooker almost fainted. + +""Hold on, pal,"" she said. ""I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you are not sticking that in me."" + +The man pulled up his pants, picked up his money and said, ""Screw you bitch. I can do those things myself.""" +0.25719852781987446,"Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand? + So she could moan with the other." +1.0054124269322364,"22 mph speed limit + Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, ""This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. + +Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, ""Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"" + +The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. ""But before you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."" + +""Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 136."" +" +0.11344446849967525,"What kind of cereal does Ronda Rousey eat? + Kix" +0.2814462004762936,"A dildo hits a family car... + A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. + +Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, ""Don't worry; that was an insect."" + +To which, her son replies, ""I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."" +" +0.9733708594933969,"An Old guy sits at a bar and starts drinking... + ...he drinks and drinks until he is quite drunk... + +Then a HUGE and very menacing looking guy enters the bar and sits next to the old drunk guy and asks for a beer... after a while the old guy turns to the huge fellow and spurts out: + +-""you know... i fucked your mother"" + +The bartender just freezes and looks over at the huge guy... he just looks at the drunk man and grunts as he understands its only an old drunk fellow mouthing off... + +But then the old guy says: + +-""yeah... i fucked her, and i have to say, i also fucked her up the ass!"" + +The big guy ignores the guy, but looks a bit annoyed. + +The old guy turns around, and he seems to be over talking, but he then says to himself clearly speaking so the big guy can hear him: + +-""you know what?? i just remembered, i also came in your MOTHERS FACE!!!"" + +The big guys still says nothing... but is clearly starting to lose his temper... + +So the old guy yells ""YEAH I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER UP THE ASS, CAME ON HER FACE AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE... SHE SWALLOWS!! THE DIRTY WHORE!"" + +The whole bar is totally silent, and The big guy cant take it anymore, he stands up making his stool fall to the floor loudly, he turns over to the old guy and says ""lets go home Dad, you are way too drunk...""" +0.4078804936133362,"How do you turn a seal into a sea lion? + Remove an electron." +0.9084217363065599,"Three priests and their wives die in a plane crash... + So three priests and their wives are flying back from an interdenominational conference when the plane crashes and they all die. + +They all arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. + +St. Peter says to the first priest, ""I am sorry, but I cannot let you in. You adored sugar and sweets. You had the biggest sweet tooth, and was so involved with sugar and sweets that you married a woman named Candy."" Off they go to hell. + +St. Peter then addresses the second priest, ""I am sorry but I cannot let you in. You truly did not love the Lord, you only loved money. In fact, you loved it so much that you married a woman named Penny."" Off they go to hell. + +The third priest says to his wife, ""Fanny, we don't have a chance.""" +0.10132063217146568,"So a Lecturer tells a joke in the class. . . + . . .and then one of the students raises his hand and says ""but sir you told that joke last year"" the lecturer replies ""if you can repeat things then so can I""" +0.6035938514830049,"The life of a penis is a sad one.... + His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him." +0.7534098289673089,"A man is in court for murder + So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court + + ""In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed"". + + The defense lawyer counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door. Nothing happens. + + "" Ah ha!"" says the defense ""you all looked to the door, therefor I conclude that their is reasonable doubt in this case and ask that my client be found not guilty."" + + The jury then deliberates. After twenty-five minutes they return the verdict of guilty. ""But you all looked!"" Says the lawyer. ""Yes,"" says the Jury, ""but your client didn't.""" +0.2814462004762936,"A little boy and an old man are sitting on a park bench... + ...The little boy unwraps a candy bar and eats it. Then he eats a second one. And a third, fourth and fifth. + +The old man, watching this, says ""You shouldn't be eating so many candy bars. You will ruin your teeth and get fat."" + +The little boy responded, ""My Grandfather lived to be 102 years old."" + +The old man replied ""Did your Grandfather eat 5 candy bars every day?"" + +The little boy said, ""No, he minded his own fucking business.""" +0.10738255033557047,"An 86 year old man goes to the doctor with a perplexing issue... + The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the man said, +>Things are great and I've never felt better. +>I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. +>So what do you think about that Doc? + +The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. + +>I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. + +>As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver siting at the water’s edge... + +>He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it right at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang bang'. + +>Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. + +>Now what do you think about that? + +asked the doctor. + +The 86 year-old said, +>Logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' + +The doctor replied, +>My point exactly. +" +0.7092444252002598,"People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My Dad died on 9/11... + He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia..." +0.3126217796059753,"Two nuns are biking back to their convent + after a long day out nunning about in the community. + +They take a different route than normal, and after a while, one says to the other: ""You know, I've never come this way before."" + +The other replies: ""Yes, it must be the cobblestones""" +1.0764234682831781,"Two old guys decide to go out for drinks before they die. + Before Marty and Sam die they decide to go out for old times sake and just get properly gone showed at the bar. About 8 or 9 pints in Marty gets an idea. ""Hey Sam, what do you say we get laid one more time before we clock out."" Excited and drunk out of their minds they decide to go to the local whore house down the street. They lady at the counter realizes how drunk they are and decides if she puts them in a couple rooms with a blow up doll they won't know the difference. They get to their rooms go in and about 15 minutes later they come out. Sam looks at Marty and says ""man if I didn't know any better I'd say my girl was dead cause she was cold and didn't move once. Marty says ""Sam your lucky cause I'm pretty sure mine was a witch. I was nibbling on her neck and she farted and flew out the window.""" +0.20610521757956268,"Doctor: You're obese. Patient: + ***Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.***" +1.0244641697337087,"A man is at the zoo... + ... and comes to a silver back gorilla exhibit and he notices a sign. The sign states "" Please do not tap the gorilla"". He looks around and says fuck it and taps the gorilla. + +The gorilla breaks out the cage violently and starts chasing the man. He realizes the bad choice that he made. He starts running away but realizes that the gorilla will catch up to him and maul him. + +He finds a car and starts driving and thinks he's the clear. Looking in the rear view mirror, he connected eyes with gorilla who was right on his tail. The gorilla starts to attack the back of the car and the man makes it to the pier and hopping out and starts running to a speedboat. On the speedboat he revs it up to 100 MPH and thinks he's in the clear, only to see the gorilla swimming closely behind him. He docks the boat across the lake and and continues running. + +Looking back he sees that the gorilla hasn't given up chase at all. He finds himself backed up against a tree, so he puts a bandana over his eyes and starts to smoke a cigarette; waiting for his demise. The gorilla comes up, taps him and says "" TAG YOU'RE IT""." +0.37324096124702316,"What's the difference between a bomb vest and a feminist? + A bomb vest does something when it's triggered." +1.3994371075990475,"A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar.. + The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, ""I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."" + +" +0.5637583892617449,"A homeless mans funeral. + As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. + +As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. + +I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. + +I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. + +The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. + +And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. + +As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, ""I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."" + +Apparently I'm still lost.... " +0.31954968607923795,"How do you think the unthinkable? + With an itheberg" +0.03117557912968175,"Patrick brings home his new fiancé to meet his parents. + Patrick brings home his new fiancé, Stacy, and introduces her to his parents, who are staunchly Irish Catholic and very old fashioned. + +His parents and Stacy get along very well and they have a nice dinner together. After dinner, they are in the living room exchanging stories, laughs, and beers. Stacy excuses herself to use the bathroom. + +""Patrick, she's wonderful!"" his dad says. + +""Why haven't you brought her over here before?"" asks his mom. + +""Well, dad, mom…"" the man trails off. ""It's just… I'm a little embarrassed about something, but I have to tell you."" He takes a deep breath and blurts out ""Stacy is a prostitute."" + +""Oh my Lord!"" shrieks Patrick's mother. + +His father clutches his chest and falls to the floor, unconscious. Patrick and his mom gather around his father, and after a few moments he wakes up. + +""Son,"" he says. ""What did you just say about Stacy?"" + +""Dad, she's a prostitute."" + +""Oh thank Heaven!"" his father says. ""I thought you said protestant!""" +0.006927906473262611,"Wife And Husband + Wife: ""I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"" +Husband: ""You have perfect eyesight.""" +2.986793678285343,"Donald Trump + " +0.09958865555315004,"Why do mermaids wear seashells? + Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big." +1.151764451179909,"Son takes his father to the doctor... + ... The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it. + +While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. + +When the friends leave, the son asks, ""Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"" + +The father replies, ""I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"" +" +0.24594067980082268,"Daddy, what's it like being drunk? + A little girl goes up to her dad and asks ""Daddy, what does it feel like being drunk?"" ""Well,"" the father replies ""You see those 2 telephone poles over there in the distance?"" he says, pointing in the direction of the poles. ""A drunk person would see 4 telephone poles there."" The little girl, confused, replies ""But daddy, there is only one telephone pole over there""" +0.11604243342714873,"The David Cameron diet: + You'll never lose your pounds quicker." +0.13942411777441005,"An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams... + An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams. He falls madly in love with her and decides that he is gonna marry this girl...but first he needs to introduce her to his mother. + +So he calls his mother, ""Ma, I've met the one. I met the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want you to met her, but since you think you know me so well I'm gonna bring 3 girls home and I want you to try to figure out which one I'm gonna marry"" + +So that Sunday the man brings 3 beautiful women to dinner. They enjoy the meal together and the mother starts to clean up the dishes. The son follows her into the kitchen and confronts her, ""So ma, which one of these girls am I gonna spend the rest of my life with? Which one of these girls am I gonna marry?"" + +""The one in the middle,"" says the mother + +The man is shocked, ""That's the one! I gotta know how you knew, ma?"" + +""Outta the three girls, that's the one I don't like""" +0.029443602511366098,"Gorilla needed mate + A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla.  +Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. In a desperate hope to solve the problem, the Zoo Keeper approached a local redneck, Bobby Lee with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?  + +Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.  + + +""First"", Bobby Lee said, ""I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."" The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.  + +""Second"", he said, ""You can't never tell no one about this."" The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.  + +""Third"", Bobby Lee said, ""I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."" Once again it was agreed.  + +And last, Bobby Lee said, ""I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.”" +0.19831132279714223,"What's the point of Jewish football? + To get the quarter back." +2.592768997618532,"The price of oil has dropped so far that... + Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen." +3.1755791296817493,"A hero comes to a village... + The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. ""There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls"" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death." +0.4849534531283828,"It worked for the bull + An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall. + + +One of them says, ""Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."" + + +""How did you get it fixed?"" + + +""Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."" + + +Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. + + +The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed. + + +That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. + + +As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. + +He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, ""Honey, look!"" + + +She rolls over, turns on the light and says, ""You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"" +" +0.10651656202641265,"Mom, what's an orgasm? + I don't know, ask your dad." +0.25113660965576967,"Jesus drove a Honda, but nobody knew about it. + For I did not speak of my own accord. - John 12:49" +0.5126650790214332,"Is your refrigerator running? + Because if so I'll probably vote for it. " +1.1941978783286427,"Why are blondes terrible at telling jokes, timing. + " +0.022515696038103484,"A hot girl texted me ""Come over, no one's home"" + So i went over... +And no one's home" +0.7534098289673089,"I never wanted to believe my husband was stealing from his job as a road worker... + ...but when I got home all the signs were there." +0.16020783719419787,"""Mom! I'm going out!"" + - You're not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt + +- Why not? + +- Because I can see your balls, Richard." +0.18791946308724833,"2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen + There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced." +0.07014505304178394,"I walked into my local community center. + I was visiting a local community center because I was interested in learning a new hobby. + + +On my way to the office, I passed a group of guys in a beat boxing class. + + +I walked in and decided to try and fit in with my beatboxing skills, ""bootssskts bootsskts uhh uhh my name is Chris, Yall mutha fuckas aint ready for this. Wickawickabtssssss"" I leaned back in the first chair I saw, confident I gained their respect. + +One of the boys walks up to me and spat one back at me + +""Th-Th-Th-This is a speech therapy class."" +" +0.9647109764018186,"A cowboy... + ... walks into a bar in Texas and orders three beers. He sits at the bar, drinking a sip out of each glass in turn. + +This goes on for a few weeks till the bartender says "" You know beer goes flat after pouring - why don't you just buy them one at a time?"" + +The cowboy replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When they left our home we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."" The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. + +The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. + +One day, he comes in and only orders two beers. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ""I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."" + +The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. ""Oh, no, everybody's just fine,"" he explains, ""It's just that my wife made me quit drinking but it hasn't affected my brothers though.""" +0.09092877246157177,"I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended. + Chemo patients are so sensitive. " +0.4849534531283828,"My wife and I were happy for 20 years.. + ..then we met." +0.6806668109980515,"If you can't beat them + What's the point of having children?" +1.1638882875081187,"Three fathers are talking about their sons. + +The first father says, ""my sons a successful doctor. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a Lamborghini"". + +The second father said, ""my sons a successful hedge fund manager. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht"". + +The third father says, ""my sons the CEO of a big company. He's so rich he just bought his best friend a castle"". + +Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they're talking about. +The other three fathers say, ""we're talking about our successful sons, what does yours do?"" +The fourth father says, ""well my sons a gay stripper."" +The other three fathers say, ""oh wow, you must be really disappointed."" + +The fourth father replies with, ""well not really, he's doing really well. His three boyfriends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a castle.""" +0.8789781337951937,"10 pints + A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, +""I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 +American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. "" + + +The room is quiet and no one takes up the +Texan's offer. One man even leaves. + +Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. ""Is your bet still good? "", asks the Irishman. + + +The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of +Guinness. + + +Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. + + +The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, ""If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? "". + + +The Irishman replies, ""Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first ""." +0.008659883091578264,"How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb? + *One to hold the bulb up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them, three to scream at the circuit breaker and belittle it for controlling power, and eight others to console the first four while they tweet about how problematic this traumatic experience has been for everyone.*" +0.6468932669408963,"A not so shitty story + A man walks into the doctor's office stating ""Doc, I haven't had a shit in weeks"". The doctor, does a normal check up, and upon finding the man to be okay, prescribes him some laxatives. + +Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the office saying ""Doc, I still can't shit"". The doctor does another check up on him, and this time prescribes him some extremely powerful laxatives. + +Another two weeks pass and the same guy walks in saying, ""Doc, I still can't shit"". Fearing the worst, the doctor then starts asking him about his family history and his background. + +The doctor then gets to the question, ""What's your occupation?"" + +""Well I'm a artist,"" he states. ""A painter by trade."" + +The doctor then laughs, ""That makes sense! Here's five dollars, go eat something""." +0.24767265641913835,"Why did the guitarist go to jail? + For fingering a minor" +0.38969473912102187,"A guy stuck his head into a barbershop full of customers..... + ....He asks, ""How long before I can get a haircut?"" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ""About 2 hours."" + +The guy left. + +A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, ""How long before I can get a haircut?"" The barber looked around at the shop and said, ""About 3 hours."" + +The guy left. + +A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, ""How long before I can get a haircut?"" The barber looked around the shop and said, ""About an hour and a half."" + +The guy left. + +The barber turned to his friend and said, ""Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."" A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, ""So, where does he go when he leaves?"" + +Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, ""Your house!""" +1.6228620913617666,"6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down. + " +0.6061918164104785,"God's Vacation + God decides he'd like to take a vacation. So he goes to St. Peter at the pearly gates and asks, + +""Pete, I need a vacation, being God is fucking stressful. Where should I go?"" + +St. Peter says, ""well Pluto has good skiing."" + +God shakes his head fervently and replies, ""no way, I broke my leg there once."" + +Next, St. Peter suggests Jupiter - ""there's an eons-long storm that could be fun."" + +God says, ""no way, I almost got struck by lightning there last time"" + +So then, St. Peter suggests Earth - ""you can do just about anything there."" + +God fires back, ""Fuck that, Pete. I went there 2000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish chick and they're still fucking talking about it!"" +" +1.3725914700151547,"What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? + Claude" +0.0718770296600996,"Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. + After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. + +Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend. + +""Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."" + +Holmes replied, ""I see millions of stars."" + +""What does that tell you?"" + +Sherlock says + +""Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."" + +""Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."" + +""Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."" + +""Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."" + +""Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."" + +""What does it tell you, Watson?"" + +Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: ""Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!" +0.7317601212383633,"A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate. + A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow. + +Rabbit: What are you? +Cow: Do you really wanna know? +Rabbit: Yes! +Cow: Let's have sex first. +--love making-- +Cow: I'm a cow. + +So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spotted a chicken. +Rabbit: What are you? +Chicken: Do you really wanna know? +Rabbit: Yes! +Chicken: Let's have sex first... +--Love Making-- +Chicken: I'm a chicken. + +And the rabbit went HOP HOP HOP until it ran into a sprukotok... + +Girl/Guy you are telling the joke to: What's a sprukotok? +You: Do you really wanna know?" +1.0287941112794978,"A man wakes up at home with an awful hangover... + He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.  He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.  He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.  ""Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping.  Love You!""  Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.  His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, ""Son, what happened last night?""  His son says, ""Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.  Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door"". Confused, the man asks, ""So, why is everything in order and so clean, and  breakfast is on the table waiting for me?  I should expect a big quarrel with her!""  His son replies, ""Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,  ""LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"" " +0.6139857111928989,"""I always try to go the extra mile for my customers"" + -New York's most hated cab driver + + +Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter" +0.1550119073392509,"""Doctor, I have an embarrassing medical problem..."" NSFW + Well, what is it?"" asks the doctor. + +""I have five penises."" + +""Five penises!,"" exclaims the doctor, ""How does your underwear fit?"" + +""Like a glove!""" +0.020783719419787832,"The Police called to my door last night and said ""Your dog was chasing a man on a bike""... + ...I said ""Bullshit, my dog doesn't have a bike""." +0.24853864472829618,"A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. + As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. ""Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"" + +The waiter replied, ""Yes. Ever since an efficiency consultant visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."" + +The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, ""Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"" + +The waiter replied, ""Yes, we all do. Seems that the same consultant determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."" + +""Wait a minute,"" said the diner, ""how do you get your penis back in your pants?"" + +""Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.""" +2.0982896730894134,"A blonde girl... + ...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown. + +Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says: + +""if i can guess how many sheep you have in your pack, can I have one?"" + +""fair deal"" the shepherd says and the blonde guesses ""457"". The shepherd, really surprised about the ability of the girl, says ""a deal is a deal, you guessed the right number, pick a sheep and you can keep it"". + +After the girl has picked her favourite of the pack, the shepherd says: + +""if i can guess, which colour your hair had before you dyed it brown, can i get my dog back?""" +0.058887205022732196,"The American businessman and the Mexican fisherman. + An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. + +The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. + +The American then asked, ""But what do you do with the rest of your time?"" + +The fisherman said, ""I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, +take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."" + +The American scoffed. ""I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. + +You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to +Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."" + +The fisherman asked, ""But how long will this all take?"" + +To which the American replied, ""Fifteen or 20 years."" + +""But what then?"" + +The American laughed and said, ""That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."" + +""Millions? Then what?"" + +The American said, ""Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends.""" +0.2597964927473479,"What is a suicide bombers worse fear? + Dying alone..." +0.022515696038103484,"A snail gets mugged + A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says ""Can you describe the guy?"" The snail says ""I don't know . . . it all happened so fast.""" +0.27451829400303096,"""I'm so wet!"" she screamed at me. + ""I'm so fucking wet!"" she screamed at the top of her lungs. ""Give it to me, now!"" + +She could yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella." +0.30309590820523924,"99 little bugs in the code... + 99 bugs in the code. Fix one bug, compile it down. 167 little bugs in the code....sigh." +1.9519376488417406,"The history of the condom. + In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine. + + + +In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first. + +~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms. + +" +1.6540376704914483,"10 Husbands, Still a Virgin. + A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. + +On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ""Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."" + +""What?"" said the puzzled groom. + +""How can that be if you've been married ten times?"" + +""Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. + +Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. + +Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. + +Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. + +Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. + +Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. + +Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. + +Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. + +Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. + +Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"" + +""Good,"" said the new husband, ""but, why?"" + +""You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!""" +2.97207187702966,"The dead cow lecture + First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. + +The professor started the class by telling them, ""In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor"". + +""The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."" + +For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. + +""Go ahead and do the same thing,"" he told his students. + +The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. + +When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, ""The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."" " +0.06668109980515263,"Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn + He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, ""Nice pigs, sir!"" Clinton responds, ""Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."" The marine replies, ""Nice trade, sir!""" +0.2398787616367179,"Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. + A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. + + +If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress." +2.55379952370643,"How did Kanye West ask Kim Kardashian to marry him ?? + ""will i marry you?""" +0.014721801255683049,"A kid walks into the living room + And tells his dad, ""Dad, I'm freezing!"" + +The dad says, not looking away from the TV, ""Go stand in the corner."" + +The kid is surprised, what did he do wrong? ""But why?"" + +The dad looks at his son and grins evilly. ""The corner is 90 degrees!"" + +""DAD!""" +1.1993938081835895,"I women was cheating on her husband , look how he discovered . + A husband was sitting in a public place with his friend whose name was Jack , they were chatting and a girl came to Jack and start kissing him and telling him that she messed him and such kind of these stuff and it goes like that with almost every girl that walked by . +The husband was suprised "" How you made all the girls love you ? my wife hates me and I don't know what to do"" ! he said , "" it's easy , just pinch her in the ass , girls love that "" Jack answered . +The husband was very excited to try this trick on his wife , once he arrived home , he sneaked silently into the badroom and found his wife lying on her belly , he moved toward her quietly and pinched her in the ass with lots of horny emotions . +The wife streched on the bed even more and said "" You came early today Jack "" + +sorry for the grammatical mistakes , I'm not a native english speaker and I just translated this Joke . + +Edit1: I would be happy if you could correct my flaws for a better joke next time . + +Edit2: **The other translated joke has been submitted :** + + +[The postman and kisses dilevery .](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1sfagl/the_postman_and_kisses_dilevery/)" +0.4009525871400736,"Jehovah's Witness + Sunday morning the weather was too bad to play golf. I was wondering around with nothing to do when i heard the door bell ring. I opened it to see a well dressed man standing there who said, ""I'm a Jehovah's Witness, do you have a moment for Jesus Christ?"" + +With nothing else going on I said, ""Come in and sit down."" + +We sat down, I offered him a cup of coffee and asked, ""What would you like to talk about?"" + +The young man replied, ""Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far.""" +1.4003030959082052,"two deer are leaving a gay bar + one turns to the other and says ""I cant believe I blew 40 bucks in there""" +0.558562459406798,"My friend Victor changed his last name to ""E"". No one knows why. He's become a Mystery. + " +1.8220394024680666,"A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment + Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. + +""Johnny, do you have a story to share?"" + +""Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. + +He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands."" + +""Good heavens,"" said the horrified teacher, ""What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story? + +""Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking! " +0.2537345745832431,"A priest goes golfing with his sailor buddy one day.. + The sailor took his first shot missed and said, ""Fuck, I missed."" Surprised, the priest replied, ""Don't use that kind of language or god will strike you down."" + +The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, ""I fucking missed again."" The priest overheard and replied, ""My son, please don't use that language or god will strike you down."" + +The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, ""Oh fuck, I missed"". The priest said, ""That's it god will certainly strike you down."" + +Suddenly, the skies darkened, thunder boomed and a bolt of lightning came down...but it hit the priest. From the heavens a deep voice said, ""Oh fuck I missed"". +" +0.3715089846287075,"What's the rudest type of Elf? + The GofuckyoursELF" +0.9482571985278199,"My wife's been missing for a week and the police said to prepare for the worst..... + ...so I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back. " +1.4574583243126218,"Joke my dad loved + What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory? + + +Two test tickles " +1.5423251786100887,"Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences? + Because there is a lot of reposting to do. + +Edit: Moving up the front page of jokes. Thanks everyone! + +Edit2: Wow!!! Thanks for making this my most successful post. Guess you could say it had a good footing." +1.0036804503139207,"Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? + It only takes one nail to hang the picture." +0.24507469149166486,"A farmer wanted to buy a new rooster to breed with his chickens... + The farmer's old rooster was getting up there in the years, so he buys a new one. + +The old rooster looks at the new rooster and sizes him up. ""Look, sonny, I'm willing to hand over the whole henhouse to you, but you gotta prove yourself to be strong and quick. I'm gonna run, and if you can catch me, it's about time for me to retire."" + +The young rooster thinks it over and agrees to the contest. The old rooster runs fast, but the young rooster runs faster. Just as the young rooster is about to catch up, though -- BANG! + +The farmer fired a gun, killing the young rooster. ""Damn it, I bought another gay rooster!""" +0.578480190517428,"What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws ? + Outlaws are wanted" +0.31954968607923795,"What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? + Mainly, the taste." +0.10132063217146568,"My dad died in front of me + Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said, ""You are stepping on my oxygen line"". + +Edit: Holy macaroni with a side of O2, thank you so much for 190 votes!!! + +Edit 2: My, my, carbon dioxide, thank you all so much for 370 votes!!!" +2.996319549686079,"my wife finally agreed to a threesome, on the condition that she picks the girl + i replied ""nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them""" +0.3524572418272353,"Banker's balls (nsfw) + A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, ""It's a lot of money!"" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office. + +The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, ""$165,000!"" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, ""Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"" The old lady replied, ""I make bets."" The president then asked, ""Bets? What kind of bets?"" The old woman said, ""Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."" The president laughs, ""That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"" The old lady challenged, ""So, would you like to take my bet?"" The president agrees, ""Sure, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't square!"" The little old lady then said, ""Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"" +""Sure!"" replied the confident president. + +That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. + +She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet ""$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. ""Well, Okay,"" said the president, ""$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."" + +Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, ""What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"" She replied, ""Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.""" +4.0,"A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. + Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. + +The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. + + ""Well,"" says the bus driver, ""every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."" + +The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. + +""Oh, God!"" she exclaims. ""Take me with you!"" + +The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. + +Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. + +""Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"" + +""Ha, ha!"" says the nun, removing her costume. ""I'm the bus driver!""" +1.4401385581294652,"My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia. + Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate." +0.538644728296168,"A man was cleaning out the basement of the house his grandfather left him... + ...when he came across an old metal oil lamp. The man starts wiping it off with his shirt when two genies emerge from the lamp. + +""Holy shit!"" the guy exclaims. + +""We are the genies of the lamp. We have been stuck inside that lamp for decades, and you have freed us. We will grant you three wishes!"" the first genie proclaims. + +The man thinks. ""OK, first I want ten million dollars in my bank account, and I want it legal! No crimes or anything."" + +The second genie claps his hands. ""IT IS DONE!"" He looks at the man. ""Your second wish?"" + +""I want my garage and driveway to be full of expensive cars. Nothing worth less than $500,000!"" the man says. + +""Done!"" says the first genie, clapping his hands together. ""And for your final wish?"" + +The man turns red. ""Listen, uh...this is going to be a bit embarrassing so can I just whisper it to you?"" he asks the second genie. + +""Of course,"" the second genie replies. + +The man leans over and whispers his final wish to the second genie. The second genie motions for the other genie to follow him and they both walk out of the basement. + +A minute later, a group of men in white robes bursts into the basement and grabs the man who had made the wishes. The man struggled against them, but the men tied him up, tied a rope around his neck, and pulled him up by the rafters until he was dead. + +After a few minutes, two of the robed men remove their hoods and look at each other. It's the two genies. ""I can understand the wish for the money and the wish for luxury cars,"" the second genie said, ""but why the fuck did he want to be hung like a black man?""" +0.041567438839575664,"The Quran is like weed + You burn it and you get stoned" +1.5276033773544058,"Why are women so bad at parking? + Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives. " +0.7759255250054125,"5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me. + Both times she said no" +1.561376921411561,"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? + One's big and heavy, the other's a little lighter." +0.1480840008659883,"God bless you son + 5 year old son after reading story of a king. + +Son:Mom, I also want 5 wives..one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me....... + +Mom:....And one will put you to sleep + +Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you + +Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son + +Mom: but who will sleep with your 5 wives + +Son: Let them sleep with daddy + +Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... +God bless you son !" +0.967308941329292,"My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. ""Eleven,"" I replied. ""Wow! You must be a player,"" she laughed. + ""No,"" I said, ""I'm their coach.""" +0.329075557479974,"why are most reddit posts medium rare? + because they certainly aren't rare, and are definitely not well done." +0.04849534531283828,"Saw a guy about to jump off a bridge + I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: ""Stop. Don't do it."" + +""Why shouldn't I?"" he asked. + +""Well, there's so much to live for!"" + +""Like what?"" + +""Are you religious?"" + +He said: ""Yes."" + +I said: ""Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"" + +""Christian."" + +""Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"" + +""Protestant."" + +""Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"" + +""Baptist."" + +""Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"" + +""Baptist Church of God."" + +""Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"" + +""Reformed Baptist Church of God."" + +""Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"" + +He said: ""Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."" + +I said: ""Die, heretic scum,"" and pushed him off." +0.433860142888071,"I was waiting at a stop light yesterday... + Up next to me pulled a small car. It was full of Muslim terrorist types shouting in a foreign language. The car had a half burnt American flag hanging on the side with ""Remember 911"" spray painted on the side. One of the men stuck his head out the window and shouted ""Death to America!!!"" They sped off right after before the light changed to green. + +Out of nowhere an 18 wheeler slammed into the side of the car, crushing it and killing them all instantly. + +I sat for a minute in shock. I thought to myself, that could have been me. + +So this morning I went out and got a job as a truck driver." +0.5871400736090063,"How do you get an emo out of a tree? + Cut the rope." +0.41913834163238795,"A man takes a business trip to a small town in a remote valley...NSFW + and when he checks into the only hotel in the town, he quietly asks the manager: + +""Y'know, do you have any girls here, for, uh, 'nighttime favours'?"" + +""Not really"", the manager answers, ""we only have Bob."" + +The man is a bit confused, replies ""Hm, no thank you"" and goes to his room. +At night, he is lying on his bed, sleepless, and cannot control his urges any longer, so he decides to call up the manager again. + +""You know, I've changed my mind, please call Bob for me. How much does he usually charge?"" + +""You'll need to pay about eighty bucks"" + +""Okay, fine, and how will we go about this? I give the eighty to Bob and then we'll fuck?"" + +""Nah, not really, you'll have to pay forty to the mayor, because it's his city and he doesn't really like it when this happens. So if you pay him first, he'll look the other way"" + +""Sure, so Bob only gets forty dollars, but then we'll fuck!"" + +""Ah, not quite. See, I'll take twenty of those, since it's my hotel, and I also don't really like it when this happens."" + +""Whatever, if Bob is satisfied with the twenty that are left over, it's fine. So I'll just give those to him, and then we can get it on?"" + +""Nope, John and Tony will be splitting the remaining twenty, they'll be holding Bob down, because he also doesn't really like it when this happens.""" +0.1350941762286209,"I've developed a phobia of elevators + I'm taking steps to avoid them." +0.25719852781987446,"What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? + Harry gets to take the train back." +2.1710326910586706,"There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35... + ...and those flashing lights on your car look stupid." +0.7109764018185755,"It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. + " +1.3431478675037887,"What do you get if you cross a highway with a fridge? + Killed." +0.12730028144620048,"An elderly couple are enjoying their 75th anniversary. + The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”" +0.2468066681099805,"The Bike + A 13 year old boy came home all happy. + +His mom asked, ""what did you do at school today, hunny?"" + +""Oh I had sex with my teacher,"" he said calmly. + +The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home. + +When the father came home the mother said distraughtly and close to tears, ""Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"" + +The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs. + +He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him... ""I had sex with my teacher"". + +The dad said, ""Son, I'm so proud of you I'm going to get you that bike you have wanted."" + +They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied, ""Nah dad my butt is still sore.""" +0.02597964927473479,"What blod type am I? + Type-O" +1.5284693656635635,"Life is like a penis. Simple, relaxed and hanging around freely. + It's women who make it hard." +0.032041567438839576,"My wife has disappeared... + She's been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I went down to Goodwill and got all her clothes back." +1.0642996319549687,"A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room. + The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies. + +The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby. + +The Indian says ""Are you sure that's your baby?"" + +The Scot says ""No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby.""" +0.023381684347261313,"A penguin takes his car to the mechanic.... + The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak. +When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, ""well, it looks like you blew a seal."" +The penguin says, ""no, that's just a bit of ice cream.""" +0.0034639532366313053,"Police talking on the radio... + * Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene. +* So, what's the situation? +* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body. +* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime? +* He stepped where she was cleaning the floor. +* Did you manage to capture the woman? +* No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ..." +0.8365447066464603,"My Dad's bear story. + A long time ago, my Dad worked on the Canadian Geographic Survey, which took him into the Rocky Mountains. + +He told me this story about it. + +Dad: I was working with my coworker all day, and then we returned to camp and started cooking dinner. The smell must have carried on the wind, and attracted the wildlife, because I turned around, and there was a full grown Grizzly Bear in the middle of the camp! + +Me: :-O What did you do? + +Dad: I picked up some shit, and threw it right in his face! + +Me: uhhhh... where'd you get the shit? + +Dad: It was right there in my pants!" +0.20090928772461572,"Bob knows a lot of people + Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bobs boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a few years back, I actually know a lot of important people.' + + +His boss is sceptic, but Bob replies: 'Tell you what, name anyone you can think off, I bet you that they know me.' 'Fine,' says his boss, and he's determined to have Bob be embarressed, so he decides to put the bar high: 'President Obama.' 'Cool, no problem,' says Bob. + +A week later they're both standing outside the White House, and Obama comes out, spots Bob and goes ""Bob? What are you doing here? Come in, bring your friend, lets have a drink together."" Bobs boss has no clue how, but somehow Bob and the president are friends. Once they leave his boss goes 'Fine, you know the president, but I bet you dont know the pope'. + + +Bob accepts the challenge, and the next week they're standing in Saint Peters square. 'This isnt gonna work, he's never going to see me here when theres this much people. You stay here, I'll go talk to him and you'll see me on the balcony, the guards know me too.' Half an hour later, Bob and the pope appear side by side on the balcony. Bobs boss gets a heart attack, and Bob goes to visit him in the hospital. + +'What happened? Did you not expect me to actually know the pope?' 'No, it wasnt that, I sortof expected that to happen. But there was a tourist next to me that asked 'Who's the guy in his pyjamas standing next to Bob there?'." +0.1411560943927257,"What's the difference between the Titanic and Kim Kardashian? + The number of people who rode the Titanic is known." +0.05715522840441654,"What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? + A Woman" +0.05802121671357437,"Marriage, the real story + A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, ""What are you doing?"" +She answers, ""I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"" +Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. +When she asks him where he's going, he replies, +""I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year.""" +3.1885689543191167,"Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? + I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing." +0.5542325178610089,"Why don't Mexicans cross the border in three's? + The sign says ""no trespassing.""" +0.0,"I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it..... + It's true, I saw it with my own eyes." +0.17146568521324962,"Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? + Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat. " +1.311972288374107,"A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop + There is de brie everywhere!" +0.5048711842390128,"Carving a boob into a tree would be pretty cool, + Wooden tit?" +0.18099155661398572,"There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a dick like mine. + Camera man, light and sound technician. +" +0.0017319766183156527,"An old lady went to the Bank of America with a large bag full of money + She insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money. + +After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president. + +The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. + +She said $165,000. + +Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money. + +The old lady said she made bets. + +The president, quite surprised, asked: “What kind of bets?” + +The old lady said: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”. + +The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win. + +The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?” + +“Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”. + +The old lady then said to him: + +“Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10am with my lawyer as a witness, if that’s ok with you”. + +“No problem” said the president. + +That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet. + +On the next day, 10am sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the president's office. + +The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything. + +The old lady came closer and said that given the amount money involved, she needed to touch them to be completely certain. The president agreed and the old lady, smiling, started examining his testicles. + +At that point the president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall. + +“What's his problem?”, he asked the old lady. + +To which she answered: “I bet him $100,000 that at around 10am today I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of America in my hand.”" +0.8867720285776142,"So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo... + ...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. +Quickly, the new ""gorilla"" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the ""Human-like"" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming ""HELP!! HELP!!!"" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, ""Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired.""" +0.5698203074258498,"My favorite knock knock joke. + Knock Knock! + +Who's there? + +To. + +To Who? + +To *Whom.*" +0.8807101104135094,"If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions. + That is all." +0.1870534747780905,"Why did the riot police show up early to the protest? + They wanted to beat the crowd. " +0.01731976618315653,"Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Ok. + Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom." +1.3206321714656852,"What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist? + A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people, and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people." +0.4875514180558562,"A cop on a horse says to a little girl... + Cop on a horse says to little girl on bike, ""Did Santa get you that?"" ""Yes,"" replies the little girl. ""Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!"" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, ""Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"" The cop chuckles and replies, ""He sure did!"" ""Well,"" says the little girl, ""Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!""" +0.2329508551634553,"Two Muslim Brothers + Two Muslim brothers come to America and have a contest to see who can become more Americanized. A month later they get together and one proudly says ""I took my son to a baseball game and we ate hot dogs!"" The other replies ""Fuck you, towelhead!""" +0.07793894782420438,"What's the difference between Leonardo Dicaprio and Sesame Street? + Sesame Street has an Oscar." +0.2961680017319766,"What's the difference between being hungry and being horny? + Where you put the cucumber." +0.20523922927040486,"Married for the 4th time + A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse Careers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’" +0.0753409828967309,"The farmer wakes up early in the morning and finds that all his cows are dead! + A farmer wakes up early in the morning and finds that all his cows are dead. Suddenly, a beatiful naked woman walks out of a lake near his barn, the even more surprised farmer asks who is there, the woman answers: + +""I am the witch of the lake"" + +""Did you kill all my cows?"" + +""I did not kill your cows and I don't know how they died either, but I will give you an offer: If you can make love to me 5 times in a row I will bring all your cows back to life; but if you can't make it you will die!"" + +The farmer was very old but agreed because his cows were very precious to him. He started making love to the witch but fainted before he could get to the third time. The witch killed the old man. + +Later in the morning, the oldest son came out of the house and found that his father and all the cows were dead, he was very confused. The same witch walked out of the lake again and talked to him: + +""I am the witch of the lake, if you want to bring back your dad and all the cows you must make love to me 10 times in a row! If you fail, I will kill you the same way I killed your father"" + +The man agreed and started making love to the witch. He was a lot younger than his father but still couldn't do the witch the ten times. She killed him. + +A few hours later, the farmer's retarded boy came out of the house. He was not amused with all the dead people and animals. The witch came out of the lake, he was not impressed either. The witch told him the same: + +""I am the witch of the lake, if you want to bring back your dad, your brother and all the cows you must make love to me 50 times in a row! However, if you fail , I will kill you too!!"" + +""aight' I will do that"" + +""You fool!"" Said the witch ""Your brother couldn't make love to me 10 times, what makes you think you can do me 50 times?"" + +""How do you think all the cows died?""" +3.218012556830483,"It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet. + " +0.15154795410261962,"The bartender Say's ""Free"" + A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks ""how much for a beer?"" The bartender replies ""free"". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender ""Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"" The Bartender reply's ""free"". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says ""Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place"". The bartender then says ""Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife"". The guy looks all confused then asks ""What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"" The bartender then says ""The same thing I'm doing to his business"". +" +0.42520025979649273,"Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? + A barber." +0.056289240095258715,"Mike. + A small boy named Mike lived in a tiny Irish village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him ""you're driving me crazy, Mike""  + +...One day, his mother went to check out how he was doing at school and the teacher told her honestly her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and that never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career... His mum simply could'nt accept such a feedback and she took her son out from that school. She even shifted to another city... + + +25 years later, that teacher got a cardiac disorder and all the doctors advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform. + +Left with no other choice, she went for it, and the surgery was successful ...when she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, staring at her face which started turning blue. She was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually died... + +The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, til he turned back and saw our friend Mike working as a cleaner in that hospital who had unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner. + + +If you were thinking that Mike became a doctor, you've been watching too many soap operas." +0.0017319766183156527,"Turtle Picnic + Three turtles named Tom, Dick, and Harry are roommates. One day they decide to go for a picnic on Picnic Hill. So they pack up a picnic basket and set off. It takes them ten days to get there. + +As they're setting up the picnic, Tom pulls out a few bottles of beer and asks Dick ""did you pack the bottle opener?"" + +""No,"" says Dick ""I thought you packed it."" + +""Damn,"" says Tom. ""Somebody needs to go get the bottle opener. Harry, go back to the house and get it."" + +""NO WAY,"" says Harry. ""As soon as I leave, you guys are gonna eat all the sandwiches. I'm not going."" + +""Come on,"" says Tom, ""We promise not to touch any of the picnic food until you get back. Right Dick?"" + +Dick promises too, so Harry sets off down the road. + +Ten days go by. + +""Man,"" says Tom, ""I'm hungry. Let's eat a sandwich."" + +""No way"" says Dick. ""We promised not to touch them, and he'll be back soon. Just wait."" + +Ten more days go by. Harry still hasn't returned. + +""I'm SOOO hungry,"" says Tom. ""Let's eat already."" +""Not happening,"" says Dick. ""We promised."" + +Ten more days go by. It's been thirty days and Harry is nowhere to be seen. + +""I'm STARVING,"" says Tom. ""Let's just open up ONE sandwich and split it, and then we'll save the rest for when Harry gets back."" +""Well, okay,"" says Dick. ""But just one sandwich, and we're not touching anything else."" So they unwrap one sandwich and split it in half, and each turtle takes a bite. + +Just then Harry pops his head up from behind a rock five feet away. ""MAN, I FUCKING KNEW IT!"" he screams. ""I'M NOT GOING!"" +" +1.0287941112794978,"A guy is walking by a gym, when he notices a sign out front that reads ""Lose 5 Pounds in 10 Minutes Guaranteed!"" + Curious, he enters the gym. He asks about the sign and the clerk tells him it's legit, but it costs $100. The clerk also tells him that if he doesn't lose 5 pounds, he gets his money back. + +The guy shrugs and lays $100 on the counter. He is led to a large, empty room covered in floor mats. A beautiful 20-year-old woman enters the room on the other side, wearing a shirt that says ""If you catch me, you can fuck me."" She smiles, waves, and winks at him. + +He begins chasing her around the large room, but she is in great shape and he doesn't come close. After ten minutes, he is a panting, sweating mess, and she yells ""Better luck next time!"" before disappearing out the door. Pissed off, he walks over to a scale and sees that, sure enough, he lost five pounds. He figures the money was worth it, since he lost five pounds. + +The next day, he's walking by the gym when he notices a new sign: ""Lose 10 pounds in 10 Minutes Guaranteed!"" Even more curious, he enters the gym and plops down another $100 on the counter. + +He is led to an even larger, empty room covered in mats. The door on the other side of the room opens, and a large, athletic man walks in. His shirt reads ""If I catch you, *I* fuck *you*!""" +0.6157176878112145,"my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas + my so-so grandmother got me socks" +0.09439272569820308,"A man is in bed with his wife when... + A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. ""I'm not getting out of bed at this time,"" he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. + +""Aren't you going to answer that?"" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. + +""Hi there,"" slurs the stranger. ""Can you give me a push??"" ""No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed,"" says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, ""Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"" + +""But the guy was drunk,"" says the husband. + +""It doesn't matter,"" says the wife. ""He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."" So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, ""Hey, do you still want a push??"" And he hears a voice cry out, ""Yeah, please."" + +So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, ""Where are you?"" And the stranger replies, ""I'm over here, on your swing.""" +0.04762935700368045,"So a moth goes into a podiatrist's office.. + A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?” + +The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. +And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?” + +And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.” + + +*-Norm MacDonald*" +0.03637150898462871,"Why are no murders solved in West Virginia? + Everyone has the same DNA and no one has any teeth." +1.9978350292271054,"Is sex work? + A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his +staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the +colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. + +He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and +he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the +question of just how much of sex was ""work"" and how much of it was +""pleasure?"" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . +A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in +favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the +time. + +There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in +charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? + +Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, ""Sir, it has to be +100% pleasure."" + +The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why. + +""Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me +doing it for them.""" +0.006061918164104785,"A blonde walks into a bank + A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, ""Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found out that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"" The blond replies.....""Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?""" +0.8720502273219312,"I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym... + I guess we just weren't working out. " +1.0383199826802338,"A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain... + Doctor: ""Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"" +Mick : ""Ill come back when you're sober Doctor""" +0.8711842390127733,"What's a pirate's favorite letter? + Ye'd think it was R, but his first love be the C." +0.010391859709893916,"Man sentenced to five years for masturbating with soap in public. + Came clean in court." +1.3578696687594718,"How many midgets does it take to change a lightbulb? + One with a step-ladder. They're short, not stupid. + +EDIT: All the crap in the comments about my use of the word ""midget"" reminded me of Bill Burr's stance on the issue. If you've got a sense of humor, have a listen [here!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pN7t4DDI4k#t=32)" +0.2875081186403984,"Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome. + One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. + +One day, a procession came past, and it included His Holiness The Pope. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. + +After a few minutes, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said, ""My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country.” ""This city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."" + +The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, ""Bernie, look who's trying to teach the Schwartz brothers about marketing!""" +3.6518726997185538,"Had sex for an hour and 30 seconds today + Thankyou daylight savings" +0.12556830482788484,"One morning, His Majesty the lion calls all the animals in the jungle to a meeting. + ""Right,"" says the lion, ""I want every one of you to go out hunting and bring me back as much meat as you can. Anyone who fails to bring me meat I will batter to death with my dick!"" + +Later that day, a rabbit turns up with a basket of carrots. + +""You have to understand, Your Majesty, I'm a rabbit, I can't hunt, but I've brought you a basket of carrots."" + +The lion towers over the rabbit and starts battering it with his dick. + +The rabbit cries, and laughs, and cries, and laughs, and cries, and laughs... + +""Why are you crying?"" says the lion. + +""It hurts,"" says the rabbit. + +""And why the fuck are you laughing?"" says the lion. + +""I've just seen the hedgehog,"" says the rabbit, ""and he's gathering mushrooms.""" +0.09958865555315004,"A Japanese man on vacation in america... + Went to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies ""Because fluctuations."" the Japanese man says ""Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!"" + +-edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000. " +0.9283394674171899,"""Hurt me!"" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively... + ""Alright,"" I said. ""You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.""" +0.11690842173630656,"How do you troll an archaeologist? + Give him a used tampon and ask which period it's from." +0.4399220610521758,"My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar. + I said ""maybe""." +0.33946741718986795,"My brother told me to stop acting like a flamingo. + I had to put my foot down." +0.992422602294869,"What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare? + A sunken chest with no booty." +2.03593851483005,"Buying Condoms.... + A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, ""Do you sell condoms here?"" + +""Sure. What size are you?"" + +""I don't know,"" he replies. + +""Well, just let me check,"" the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, ""Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."" + +A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store. + +Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, ""Do you sell condoms here?"" + +The cashier replies, ""Sure. What size do you need?"" + +""Well, I don't know."" + +""Allow me to check for you,"" she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, ""Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."" + +A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store. + +Some time later, a eighteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, ""Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"" + +""Yep,"" she says. ""What size do you need?"" + +""I don't know,"" he says nervously. + +""Allow me to check for you,"" she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, ""Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."" +" +0.578480190517428,"My friend asked me ""if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?"" + I said Cold War Russia." +0.09266074907988742,"Every year there is a race from one side of Sweden to the other... + They start at the Norwegian line and end up at the Finnish line. " +0.09006278415241394,"A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train. + A young Swedish woman, an old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding on a train. +The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard. +The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek. +The old Dutch woman thinks: ""He must have groped the young Swedish woman, and she slapped him."" +The young Swedish woman thinks: ""He must have tried to grope me, and accidentally got the old woman, and she slapped him."" +The Englishman thinks: ""The Irishman must have groped the Swedish girl, and she accidentally slapped me."" +The Irishman thinks: ""I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again."" +" +0.04070145053041784,"An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde guy.. + ...were doing construction work on scaffolding at the 20th floor of a building. +They were eating lunch and the Irishman said: ""Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."" + +The Mexican opened his lunch and exclaimed, Burritos again!"" + +If I get burritos one more time in my lunch, I'm ging to jump off, too."" + +The blonde opened his lunch and said, ""Bologna again! +If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."" + +The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw the corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. +The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too. +The blonde opened his lunch bucket, saw the bologna sandwich and jumped to his death as well. + +At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, ""If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage. +I never would have given it to him again!"" + +The Mexican's wife also wept and said, ""I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."" + +Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. +""Hey, don't look at me,"" she said. ""He makes his own lunch.""" +0.10998051526304395,"A blonde woman was trying to do a Jigsaw Puzzle + She got very frustrated that she struggling so she decided to ask her husband for help. + +She said ""Can you help me finish this puzzle, Its supposed to be a Bird"" + +Her husband replied ""Put the Froot Loops back in the Cupboard""" +0.09785667893483438,"My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. + I told her, ""urinate out of ten.""" +0.7663996536046763,"During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, ""where should I put my pants""? + ""Over there by mine"", was not the answer I was expecting." +0.21909504221693007,"I hate making spelling mistakes. + You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined." +0.5940679800822689,"Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. + Those dirty bastards." +0.05109331024031175,"Why did The Walrus go to a Tupperware party? + He wanted to find a tight seal. " +0.4260662481056506,"The first time I introduced a girlfriend to my grandpa. + ""What's your name again?"" + +""Claudia."" + +""Oh *Claudia*. I'm sorry my dear, I won't forget it again. Claudia may I ask you something?"" + +""Sure."" + +""Do you know the difference between sex and breakfast?"" + +""...Um, no.?"" + +""Would you like to have breakfast sometime?""" +1.9060402684563758,"Sam walks into his boss’s office. + “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” + +After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5 per cent raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. + +“By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” + +“The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied. " +0.005195929854946958,"Rich Banker + A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone-call. Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?” +The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?” +“Um, no,” mumbled the director. +“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?” +“I … I … I had no idea.” +“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”" +2.6265425416756876,"The old man in his deathbed looks his wife in the eye: + +""Honey, please be honest with me. I'm not long for this world, and something has really been eating at me for a while. +I've always found our 6th son a bit weird...different, if you may. He has a different father from the other ones, hasn't he?"" +The wife, in tears and sobbing uncontrollably, asks for forgiveness and buries her face in her hands, while nodding. +The husband, curious: +""So, who's the father?"" +The wife, very sincere, answers +""It's you..."" +" +1.810781554449015,"What do you call two gay Irish men? + Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick" +0.17492963844988094,"Time Machine + I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore. +" +0.1931153929421953,"A man sees a blonde across the river. + Man: How do I get to the other side? + +Blonde: You are on the other side." +1.151764451179909,"A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard... + The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, ""Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."" The grandfather replies, ""I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole."" The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, ""Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."" The grandfather replies, ""I know. That's from Grandma."" +" +0.3498592768997619,"Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York. + She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate. + +  + +Although Hillary was vague about the details of her plans, she seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about her ideas for helping her “red sisters and brothers.” + +  + +At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented Hillary with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud Hillary then departed in her motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds. + +  + +A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to Hillary. + +  + +They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly." +0.683264775925525,"There were three young priests... + about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!' + +The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go and have a shower.' + +The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy when the chief heard 'Ting-a-ling!' + +'Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower,' said the chief priest. + +The belly dancer started dancing totally naked around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of but no bell rang! + +'John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph.' + +'Ting-a-ling!' + +Edit: grammer" +0.0493613336219961,"How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony? + It's not hard." +3.5124485819441436,"My wife told me ""Sex is better on holiday"". + That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive." +0.12297033990041134,"A boy asks his mom why he's black and she's white + She says, ""Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark.""" +0.018185754492314354,"A woman goes to the Doctor + A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper. +The Doctor asks: ""What's the problem? +The woman says: ""Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."" +The Doctor says: ""I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.” +Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. +The woman says: ""Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"" +The Doctor says: ""The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"". +" +2.8196579346178825,"A cowboy rides in to town + A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a deadly calm says, ""I'm going to count to three. If I get to three, I'm going to do what I did in the Winter of 76'."" The whole bar freezes in terror at the cowboy. + +""**ONE**"" + +No one moves a muscle. + +""**TWO**"""""" + +Everyone's extremely nervous at this point. + +""**READY OR NOT.... THR--**"" + +All of a sudden someone in the back stands up and says, ""Hold on buddy! It was just a joke! your horse is in the back alley!"" The cowboy smiles and starts to leave the canteen. The same guy who stood up calls out, ""Hey! I just gotta know, what happened in the Winter of '76???"" The cowboy turns around and says to him, ""I had to walk home.""" +3.4630872483221475,"An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... + I only know because they told everyone within two minutes." +0.10305260878978134,"Billy's dead canary + Billy's canary was dead lying on the bottom of his cage. Billy asked his Dad why when things die they lay on their back with their eyes closed and their legs in the air. His Dad told him it was so God could grab them by their feet and take them to heaven. A few days later when his Dad was pulling into the driveway after work, Billy came running out screaming ...""Daddy, Daddy..Mommy nearly died today !"" ""What happened ?"" Asked Billy's Dad. ""Well"" said Billy "" I came home from school today and there was Mommy in the bedroom on her back with her eyes closed and her legs in the air, just like my canary, and she was saying 'God I'm coming...God I'm coming' and if it hadn't been for the mailman holding her down...he would have got her !"" " +0.019917731110630006,"I saved a ton of money on car insurance by switching + to reverse and leaving the scene." +1.3249621130114744,"[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better' + Pence: 'The fewer' + +Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'" +2.6767698636068413,"So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning.. + Then I fucked up by telling her ""and that's not even the drinks talking""." +0.8885040051959299,"An Italian Girl + A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. + +""Thank you, honey"", she says. ""What would you like me to bring back for you?"" + +He laughs and says, ""An Italian girl!"" + +When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks: + +""So, honey, how was the trip?"" + +""Very good,"" she replies. + +""And what happened to my present?"" + +""Which present?"" she asks. + +""The one I asked for - an Italian girl!"" + +""Oh, that,"" she says. ""Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl.""" +0.07274301796925742,"How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? + Ask them to pronounce unionized." +2.448148949989175,"Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed... + like my name, phone number, address, etc." +0.40441654037670494,"How many women have you slept with + My wife asked me, ""How many women have you slept with?"" +I proudly replied, ""Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake.""" +0.16973370859493397,"Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he have so many pictures of my parents fighting? + " +1.9917731110630006,"A boy goes up to a girl and says ""hey baby what's up""... + She says ""I have a boyfriend"", he says ""I have a math test"". + +The girl says ""What's that got to do with anything?"", he replies ""I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."" + +**EDIT**: Okaaay, this is on the front page? It's a joke my friends 9 year old son told me that's so dumb it made me chuckle so I thought I'd share it. I'd never heard it before, which apparently is some kind of crime according to the comments. + +Comment breakdown: + +* ""This joke is so old, you're a terrible person for posting it"" +* ""The way this joke really goes is something about a chicken/goldfish/Chinese apples not mattering"" +* ""Why did you mark this NSFW?!"" (hint: because I wanted to click the NSFW link for some reason) +* Some stuff about my mom +* Some comments about me being 12 (I'm 35 BTW)" +0.03810348560294436,"My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records + Until they kicked me out of the library" +0.5542325178610089,"A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery... + + +The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. + +He says to the Jew, ""See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing."" The Jew says to the Arab, ""That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."" + +He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, ""Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."" + +Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. + +The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, ""So what did you do with the pastries?"" + +The Jew replies, ""Look in the Arab's pocket....."" +" +2.8698852565490367,"A cowboy appears before St. Peter. + A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ""Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"" St. Peter asked. ""Well, I can think of one thing,"" the cowboy offered. +""On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground."" I yelled, ""Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you"" Saint Peter was impressed, ""When did this happen?"" +""Couple of minutes ago.""" +3.1660532582810132,"I just watched a movie about a y=x graph + The plot was a bit predictable + + +And a little flat + + +Good special f(x) though" +0.2502706213466118,"3 Nuns at the Pearly Gates (very mildly NSFW) + 3 nuns are in a bus in Colombia, which due to budget cuts breaks it's axle, rolls over, and kills them all. When they come to, they realize that the three of them are in a cloud-filled place standing in front of an elderly man at a dais, behind whom are enormous, gold-plated gates, which at the moment are closed. + +The man says to them ""Welcome, my friends, to the Pearly Gates. My names is Peter, and I am the gatekeeper"". + +The nuns, thinking that they have devoted their lives to the service of God, are relieved to find out that this is where they are. As they step forward, Peter says ""you three have been such devoted servants of the lord that we will all rejoice to have you in heaven... given that you can answer one question each."" + +The nuns are, understandably, taken aback. Peter asks, ""So, who would like to go first?"" + +Two of the nuns step back, leaving the third standing in front. + +Peter asks ""So, my friend, what is the name of the first man?"" + +The nun doesn't even have to think... ""That's an easy one - Adam"". The bells ring, the angels sing, and the first of the three is welcomed to heaven. + +At this, the 2nd nun steps forward, having a bit more confidence. Peter asks... ""What is the name of the first woman?"" The nun answers, without hesitation ""That's an easy one - Eve"". The bells ring, the angels sing, and she too is admitted to eternal glory. + +Finally, the last nun is at this point relieved that the questions seem to be such trivial pieces of knowledge to those so pious as them, so she steps forward. Peter asks... ""What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam"". + +The last nun then quakes a bit as she realizes that this question, unlike the others, isn't quite as trivial. She bites on her lip as she says ""Oooh... that's a hard one..."" + +The bells ring, the angels sing, and the last nun enters the realm of eternal glory as well." +0.4659017103269106,"Two men and a woman are stranded on an island + Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash. Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says: + +""Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you"", she says to the first guy, ""and the other day it's the other"". + +And so they have a whale of time taking turns, enjoying their business together for one whole month. However, unfortunately, the woman dies after that month, because of a rotten banana or whatever. The two men mourn the loss of their playmate and partner for the following week. Then, one man goes to the other and says: + +""Okay man, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you, and the other day it's me."" + +And so they have a good time taking turns, enjoying their business together for one whole month. The first man then goes to the other and says: + +""Okay man, I need to talk to you. + +\- Yeah, me too actually. + +\- We had a fun month, but I think we should stop. + +\- Yeah, I felt this way too. I feel what we're doing is not natural. + +\- That's right. Let's stop."" + +So they nod their head in common understanding. The second man then says: + +""Well then, shall we bury her?""" +0.5126650790214332,"Here's to virgins + Thanks for fucking nothing. " +1.2894565923360035,"The 100 Dollar Tattoo. + Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says ""Where in the hell have you been?"" + +He replies, ""I was out getting a tattoo."" + +""A tattoo?"" she frowned. ""What kind of tattoo did you get?"" + +""I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates"" he said proudly. + +""What the hell were you thinking?"" she said, shaking her head in disdain. ""Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"" + +""Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, thirdly; I like how money feels in my hand, and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."" " +0.1021866204806235,"A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. + Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. + +He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. + + +“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!”, he yelled with surprising forcefulness. + + +No one answered. +“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!” + + +Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. + + +He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” + + +The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”" +0.8538644728296167,"An old woman asks her husband of 60 years.. + ""Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?"". + +""My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry"", he replied. + +""And what do you think of me now darling?"", the old woman asked. + +""I think I've done a pretty good job""" +0.3247456159341849,"What's a redneck's favorite dating website? + Ancestry.com" +0.2961680017319766,"Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.. + His response was ""I still love Vista, baby!""" +0.41567438839575666,"A janitor is cleaning the church....... + .....when suddenly the priest runs out of the confession booth. + +He bumps into the janitor and tells him to cover for him because he had run to the bathroom. + +Surprised, the janitor tells the priest that he doesn't know anything about confessions. + +The priest hands him a sheet of paper and tells him to find the sin on the list and it will tell you how many Hail Mary's to give. + +So the janitor ducks in and waits. A minute later a gentleman comes in for his confession. + +He says, ""I'm thinking about cheating on my wife."" The janitor thinks, says it's adultery. He looks on the paper under 'impure thoughts'. That'll be two Hail Mary's + +The man says, ""That's not all the truth. I already have mistress."" The janitor thinks again, says it's adultery and looks it up the the paper, that'll be four Hail Mary's. + +Then that man says, ""Still not the whole truth. It's actually another man that I'm seeing and I already gave him a blowjob."" The janitor looks on the paper and can't find the word ""blowjob"". + +He gets nervous and sticks his head out of the booth looking for help. He finally sees a little alter boy and quietly asks him, ""What does the priest usually give for a blowjob?"" The little alter boy looks at him and says, ""Candy or an ice cream""." +0.2953020134228188,"Describe yourself in 3 words: + 1. Lazy" +0.20783719419787833,"Two men went to the barbers for a shave...... + They were both almost done when the barber reached for the aftershave when the first man said “Don't put that shit on me‚ my wife will think I've been in a whore house.” + +The other man then turned to his barber and said “ you can put it on me ‚ my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore house smells like.” + +Edit-words + + + + + + +" +0.9214115609439273,"""My first appointment with a new dentist!!"" + Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one.... + +My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name. + +Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? + +Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. + +After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school. + +'Yes. Yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride. + +'When did you graduate?' I asked. + +He answered, 'In 1967. Why do you ask?' + +'You were in my class!' I exclaimed. + +He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired man asked, 'What did you teach?' +" +0.4563758389261745,"World's Funniest Joke + The ""world's funniest joke"" is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could rate and submit jokes. Purposes of the research included discovering the joke that had the widest appeal and understanding among different cultures, demographics and countries. + +The History Channel eventually hosted a special on the subject. + + +The winning joke, which was later found to be based on a 1951 Goon Show sketch by Spike Milligan,was submitted by Gurpal Gosal of Manchester: + + + *Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, ""My friend is dead! What can I do?"" The operator says ""Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."" There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says ""OK, now what?""*" +0.6910586707079455,"Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool + Wooden tit?" +0.03117557912968175,"I text my wife tonight, ""Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..."" + ""...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again.""" +0.2762502706213466,"A boy asked his father... + ""Dad, what's the difference between confidence, and confidential?"" +The father thinks for a moment and says, ""You are my son, and that I am confident of. Your friend billy is also my son but that's confidential.""" +2.7209352673738905,"Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church... + Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: ""Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!"" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: ""I still wonder if that offer is serious."" the other replies condescendingly: ""Ah you Jews, all you think about is money!"" + +From [Zizek's Jokes (Did you hear the one about Hegel and negation?)](http://www.amazon.co.uk/Zizeks-Jokes-About-Hegel-Negation/dp/0262026716)" +0.3282095691708162,"TIFU by buying an MP5K instead of a Mini-Uzi from the Arms Store... + Whoops, wrong sub." +1.5050876813163023,"A young man visits his girlfriend's parents for the first time... + He and his girlfriend's father are sitting in the living room while the girls make dinner. At the foot of the boyfriend's chair lies the family dog, Rover. After a few minutes, the young man feels the uge to fart. Unable to hold it in, he attempts to let it out silently, but it comes out audible. + +""Rover!"" Yells the father. + +Feeling relieved the dog was blamed, the young man let's another rip, this time a bit louder. + +""ROVER!"" Yells the father again. + +Feeling one last wave of gas, the boyfriend let's out a nasty, wet, stinker. + +""ROVER, GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE HE SHITS ALL OVER YOU! """ +0.03983546222126001,"I just bought a new computer... + When i turned it on, instead of saying ""Welcome"", it said "" Hello"". + + + It's a Dell." +0.8045031392076207,"WHY I AM SO TIRED + For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. +Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. +The population of this country is 237 million. +104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. +There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. +Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government. +This leaves 19 million to do the work. +Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. +Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. +There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. +Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. +You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes." +0.08486685429746699,"ISIS takes Congress hostage + A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. + +Nothing was moving. + +Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, ""What's going on?"" + +""Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."" + +""We are going from car to car, collecting donations."" + +""How much is everyone giving, on an average?"" the driver asks. + +The man replies, ""Roughly a gallon."" +" +0.04070145053041784,"Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and go seek + Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one metre by one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein and stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims, ""Newton! I found you! You're it!"" +Newton smiles and says, ""you didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square metre. You found Pascal!""" +2.7858843905607276,"(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar... + Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,""Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?"" The other says,""Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day.""" +0.07967092444252002,"Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels? + He had a bounty on his head. " +0.05715522840441654,"Billy was obsessed with tractors. + Billy was obsessed with tractors. He grew up on a farm and ever since the very first moment he laid eyes on a tractor he thought they were the most beautiful things he'd ever seen. His parents would take him for rides through the fields on their tractor and started buying him toy tractors to play with. As he grew up he drew pictures of tractors all the time, and collected photos of rare tractors to put up in his bedroom. He bought tractor magazines and joined the Tractor Fanclub, and spent any spare pocket money on building model tractors. He was the biggest fan of tractors the world had ever seen. + +His parents worried a little as his obsession grew, but it didn't seem to be harming anyone so they let it run its course. ""He'll grow out of it in a year or two"" they told each other. But he didn't, and soon he had started school. + +Billy was a gifted kid, but it soon became obvious that his obsession with tractors was making it hard for him to make friends. The few kids that tried to hang out with him got bored of talking about tractors and it seemed like Billy talked of little else. Billy grew lonely and started to realise that his love of tractors might be better hidden from the world. + +So when Billy started High School he thought of it as a fresh new start. He tried his best to keep his tractor love hidden from his school mates and only indulged in his obsessive tractor fandom at home or reading tractor magazines in the school toilets. He got great marks and seemed especially gifted at mechanical subjects and agriculture, his knowledge of tractors and how they worked held him in good stead. In fact Billy became quite popular, and made a lot of good friends, and he hardly talked about tractors with them at all. + +At the beginning of 10th grade Billy fell in love with a girl called Monica. Monica had beautiful dark brown hair and round braces that almost looked like little tractor wheels. Billy and Monica started holding hands and school, and then kissing occasionally between classes, and eventually Billy asked her to come over to his parents farm and meet his family. + +So Monica came round one afternoon after school and met Billy's lovely parents and had a lot of fun roaming around the farm. Billy could not have been happier and all was going well unitl Monica asked Billy to see his room. ""I don't think that's a good idea"" said Billy, but Monica only laughed and would not be swayed, and playfully she ran past Billy up the hall to his bedroom door and opened it. + +As the door creaked open Monica let out a horrible scream and after recoiling for a moment ran out of the house and all the way home. Inside the room was a vision of a madman. Tractors EVERYWHERE! From posters of tractors on every piece of wall to tractor quilts to thousands of model tractors on every available surface, the room was too much for Monica to deal with. She was absolutely freaked out. + +Billy was distraught. He cried and cried and cursed his love of tractors. He flew into a rage, realising that his obsession with tractors had to stop. He pulled down the tractor posters, and broke apart his tractor shaped bed. He piled them outside with his tractor toys and models, his tractor magazines and books, his Tractor Fanclub membership card and his used tractor parts. He flew around the room gathering up every last tractor related item until the room was nearly bare and then when it was all on the huge pile outside he lit it all on fire. His parents came out and put a hand on his shoulder as he watched it burn, they knew it was good for him. + +Billy went back to school, and although Monica would not talk to him, he was able to move on with his life. He soon graduated and went to college, deciding to study Finance, about as un-tractor like a subject as possible. Still sometimes he daydreamed and had to force himself not to draw tractors absentmindedly in the margins of his books. + +It worked. By his second year of college Billy was entirely normal, and had even met a wonderful girl called Chloe. He had met Chloe through his new best friend Steve who was training to be a chef, and soon Billy and Chloe were dating. + +Billy and Chloe would go on double dates with Steve and his girlfriend Alison, and eventually started going travelling too. They were very much in love. In fact they were so in love that 6 months later, after returning from a trip to Japan, Billy proposed to Chloe at the new restaurant Steve had just opened. And like that they were engaged to be married. + +Chloe came from a wealthy family, and as soon as her parents heard the news they insisted on a huge white wedding. They hired a beautiful white painted hall, and Chloe's mum became involved in picking every single thing for the wedding, from white tablecloths to a huge, towering white cake. And of course, most important, a beautiful flowing white wedding dress. + +Billy's parents were a little overwhelmed by the excess, being used to their humble farm. But Billy was a wonderful son and kept them looked after during the long preparations and rehearsals. Steve's restaurant was being very successful so Billy got him to cater the wedding feast and before anyone knew it the day of the wedding was upon them. + +There was a huge hustle and bustle of frantic activity on the morning of the special day, and all seemed to be going perfectly. Unfortunately, Steve's girlfriend Alison had chosen that morning to break up with him, and he was distraught. And yet he knew he must pull it together if he was to cook the feast for his best friend's wedding. But he was in such a bad way that he started drinking from the cooking sherry and had soon drunk enough that he passed out in the kitchen. But the stovetop had been left on and soon all the food was burning, and a fire started blazing. + +It was only an hour out from the wedding and everyone was so busy with their wedding tasks that it took them some minutes to notice. But with a shout from a groomsman everyone saw the fire and rushed to save Steve from inside the kitchen. Smoke and ash billowed out through the door and into the hall. Billy and his friends quickly managed to put out the fire but when the danger was gone Billy walked out into a hall that had become a disaster zone. Soot covered all the beautiful white tablecloths, and the hall was full of smoke. Chloe's mum was in hysterics, screaming that the wedding was ruined and Chloe herself, the beautiful bride, was crying uncontrollably in a beautiful white wedding dress covered in ash. Billy looked around the hall and knew he had to do something. + +""I can fix this!"" he yelled. Everyone stopped their shouting and watched as Billy, the soon to be groom, strode over and opened the biggest window. 'There's only one thing for it' he thought to himself. + +He opened his mouth as wide as it could go and started sucking up all the smoke. Wooosh, it was sucked into his lungs, and he went to the window and blew it all back out into the world. Again and again, Wooooosh, Billy sucked up all the smoke and the soot from the perfectly white tablecloths. Woooosh, he sucked up the ash from on the cake and all the smoke left in the hall and blew it out into the air out the window. Finally, as the rest of the wedding party looked on incredulously, mouths agape, he went over to his Chloe and wooooosh sucked up all the ash from her wedding dress. + +After one final trip to the window to blow the last smoke and soot out into the outside air Billy turned to see the hall sparkling and white. The wedding was saved! But the wedding party were astonished. Chloe's mum was looking faint and his parents were astounded by their son. But Billy only had eyes for his future wife and he walked over to where she was standing with a very confused look on her face. + +""Billy, how the hell did you do that?"" she asked, shocked. + +Billy got down on one knee, and looking up as his love he said ""Chloe, there's something about me you should know. I'm an extractor fan.""" +0.8348127300281446,"I broke my finger today... + but on the other hand..I'm completely fine!" +2.323446633470448,"What do we want? + Low flying airplane noises. + +When do we want them? + +#NNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWW^WWwww + +Edit: I just caught up to the news. Man. I can't help but chuckle (and shake my head at the same time) at the inappropriateness and [bad timing](https://www.reddit.com/live/wy0st0j6out0). That was obviously a terrible coincidence. Just wow." +0.5854080969906906,"I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:........ + +I do physical labor. + +I work at great depths. + +I plunge head first into everything I do. + +I do not get weekends or public holidays off. + +I work in a damp environment. + +I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. + +I work in high temperatures. + +My work exposes me to contagious diseases. + +Sincerely, +P. Niss + +The Response: + +Dear P. Niss: + +After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: + +You do not work 8 hours straight. + +You fall asleep after brief work periods. + +You do not always follow the orders of the management team. + +You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. + +You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. + +You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. + +You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. + +You will retire well before you are 65. + +You are unable to work double shifts. + +You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task. + +And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. + +Sincerely, +V. Gina" +0.29963195496860795,"A guy walks into a pub... + A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: +CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 +CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 +HAND JOB: $10.00 +He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. ""Can I help you?"" she asks. ""I was wondering,"" whispers the man. ""Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"" ""Yes,"" she purrs. ""I am."" The man replies, ""Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.""" +0.4459839792162806,"What's the difference between Reddit and Facebook? + About a day" +0.19138341632387962,"THE BOSS + One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' +The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.'' +''What about the green one?'' the man asks. +The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.'' +''What about the red one?'' the man asks. +The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.'' +The man says, ''What does HE do?'' +The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''" +0.29443602511366096,"A man is rushed into the ER with a golf club wrapped around his neck + He has also been beaten horribly about the head and face. The ER doctor says, ""My God man! What happened to you?"" Through broken teeth the patient tells his story. ""My wife and I and another couple went out for a round of golf. We went to that new course by the dairy farm out on highway 12. Well, we'd played a few holes when my wife hit a drive that sliced and drifted over into the dairy's pasture. All four of us searched and searched for that ball, but couldn't find it anywhere. Just as we were about to give up, I noticed something white under one cow's tail. I lifted up the tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball in the cow's vagina. So, I pointed at it and said 'Hey honey, this looks like yours'....." +2.3857977917298117,"A man walks into a bar... + ...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke. + +""Take this apple."" + +""I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."" + +""Trust me, try the apple."" + +The man takes a bite, and exclaims ""Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"" + +""Yup. Turn it around."" + +""Wow!"" He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, ""This side tastes like coke!"" + +Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple's mysteries, another patron walks in. + +""Vodka and tonic please mate"" + +""Here's an apple."" + +""I don't want a fuckin' apple mate, I want a..."" + +""Trust me, try the man's apple. They're incredible!"" Interrupts the first customer. + +He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; ""Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!"" + +Both the barman and the first customer yell ""Turn it around!"" in unison. The man obliges and exclaims ""Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!"" + +A third man saunter's up to the bar; ""Pint of IPA please mate"". + +""Hold on!"" Says the second customer. ""This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it's incredible!"" + +""Any flavour?"" Asks the third man. + +""Any flavour you want sir."" Say the barman. + +""In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!"" + +""Um.. alright"" says the barman as he hands him an apple. + +The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar. + +""EEErrrughcchh!!! This apple tastes like *shit!!*"" + +**""TURN IT AROUND!!""**" +0.4477159558345962,"A teacher sent out an announcement that her class will have a day off tomorrow. + One of her students comes home to tell his grandfather. *I don't have to go to school tomorrow, can you take me to the park?* He agrees. + +He immediately calls his secretary at work. *Something came up so probably we can't meet up at the hotel tomorrow, let's do it some other time?* She agrees. + +The secretary texts her husband. *Hey honey, I don't have to go to that conference out of state anymore. Wanna stay in and do something tomorrow?* He agrees. + +Her husband then gives the teacher a voicemail: *Man, my bitch ass wife is staying home tomorrow. Don't come over!* + +Disappointed, the teacher retracts her announcement and requires her students to come to class again tomorrow." +1.033124052825287,"What's the best part about having a hooker die on you? + The second hour is free." +0.14288807101104134,"A gorilla dies of old age in a zoo + Being the only gorilla in the zoo, the zoo officials couldn't afford to lose the only attraction keeping their failing zoo business afloat. + +So they immediately decided to hire one of the zookeepers for an extra $100/day to wear the gorilla costume they have in storage and pretend to be the gorilla until they can afford a new one. + +For weeks, the zookeeper did lots of tricks in his gorilla suit to the astonishment of thousands of spectators watching the ""human-like"" gorilla. + +About a month in, the popularity started to wane. So to get the attention of the crowd once again, he climbed over his enclosure and swung himself from the net ceiling over the lions den beside his enclosure. A large crowd gathered as they watched in terror and suspense. Suddenly, the zookeeper lost his grip and fell straight down on the floor of the lions den. He started crying for help when suddenly a lion pounced him from behind and whispered in his ear, ""Shut the fuck up! You're gonna get us both fired.""" +0.11084650357220177,"What did one suicide bomber say to the other? + ""Dude, I don't think it worked.""" +0.23814678501840225,"""Siri, why am I single?"" + Siri: opens front face camera" +0.08746481922494047,"50 shades of grey + #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c, #7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181, #838383, #868686, #878787, #888888, #898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e, #919191, #929292, #949494, #959595, #979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c, #9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2, #a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8 + + +yeah what did you expect.." +0.11777441004546439,"The guy who invented the USB connector died... + They lowered the coffin into his grave. + +Then they lifted it back out, turned it round, and lowered it back in again." +0.43212816626975536,"Yo girl, are you my appendix? + Because I don't really understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out." +0.23121887854513964,"What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? + Mortgage freeman." +0.4364581078155445,"Woman tries to get on the bus. + As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the first step of the bus. + +Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. + +She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. + +So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. + +Once again, much to her annoyance, she could not raise her leg. + +With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. + +About this time, a large man standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. + +She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, ""How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"" + +The man smiled and said, ""Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.""" +0.11344446849967525,"Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? + She uses the other one to moan." +0.3810348560294436,"The European Commission + The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of ""Euro-English"". + +In the first year, ""s"" will replace the soft ""c"". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard ""c"" will be dropped in favour of the ""k"", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards. + +There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ""ph"" will be replaced with ""f"", making words like ""fotograf"" 20% shorter. + +In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent ""e"" is disgrasful. + +By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ""th"" with ""z"" and ""w"" with ""v"". + +During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ""o"" kan be dropd from vords kontaining ""ou"" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU! + +EDIT: I claim no ownership of this joke. [Sauce](http://www.davidpbrown.co.uk/jokes/european-commission.html)" +0.053691275167785234,"The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. + The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, ""Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"" + +The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, ""You Americans.. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"" + +The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, ""Please lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."" + +The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, ""You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. + +An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, ""You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.""" +1.2357653171682181,"The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend... + ...I said to her, ""Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy."" She said, ""Why did you say that twice?"" I said, ""I didn't."" " +0.35418921844555096,"having sex for pleasure + Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin. + +I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out. +" +0.2329508551634553,"So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day + ...just chilling, and Satan asks, ""Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often."" + +Jesus says, ""Hail, Satan."" + +And Satan's all like, ""YEEEEEAH, BOI!"" + +And Jesus is all like, ""Oh, you.""" +0.12556830482788484,"I lost my watch at a party once.. + I found it ten minutes later, but some guy was stepping on it. As he stood on my watch, he was sexually harassing a young woman. So I walked up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody does that to a girl. Not on MY watch." +0.11864039835462221,"A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy are sitting on a bus + The Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says ""man I really hate Chinese people."" The Chinese guy goes ""why?"" And the Jewish guy goes ""because you guys bombed Pearl Harbor!"" The Chinese guy says ""that wasn't us that was the Japanese!"" The Jewish guy replies ""Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese you're all the same!"" + +So the Chinese guy thinks about this and then says ""well you know what? I really hate Jewish people!"" And the Jewish guy goes ""why?"" And the Chinese guy goes ""because you guys sunk the titanic!"" The Jewish guy says ""that wasn't us! That was an iceberg!"" The Chinese guy replies ""iceberg, Weinberg, Steinberg you're all the same!""" +0.7897813379519376,"Why did the console gamer get a headache at the art museum? + Too many frames. +" +0.8486685429746699,"An Apple store near where I live got robbed + $25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back." +0.4503139207620697,"The best joke to tell at parties + 3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, ""I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!"" The second guy says, ""I have a big chest, maybe I have the biggest chest in the world!"" The third guys says, ""I have a small dick, maybe I have the smallest dick in the world!"" So they each submit their applications to the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters. A week later, the book is published, and they all gather around to see the results. The first guy opens the book and says, ""Hey look! I have the longest arms in the world!"" The second guy looks and says ""Wow! I can't believe I have the biggest chest in the world!"" And the third guys looks and says, ""...Who the fuck is [insert name of one of the listeners]?!""" +2.1433210651656203,"Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well.. + All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me." +0.8270188352457242,"Tax office sent an inspector..... + ....to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: ""I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"" + +""Good question,"" noted the Rabbi. ""We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."" + +""Oh,"" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: ""What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"" + +""Ah, yes,"" replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. ""We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."" + +""I see,"" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. ""Well, Rabbi,"" he went on, ""what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"" + +""Here, too, we do not waste,"" answered the Rabbi. ""What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick ""." +1.5405932019917732,"So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth... + ...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want. + +During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens. + +""I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen,"" the pope starts to ask, ""but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"" + +""Jesus Christ?!?"" the alien leader exclaims, ""how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"" + +Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information. + +""EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?"" The pope exclaims, ""We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"" + +Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say ""Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."" + +The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, ""Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"" + +The aliens respond, ""Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?""" +3.829400303095908,"A man arrives at the gates of heaven... + ...St. Peter looks through his book and tells him ""I don't see any reason why we should let you in. You don't seem to have done anything worthy in your life."" + +The guy replies: ""what about the time I was driving and saw a woman with a flat tire beside the road? A bunch of bikers had surrounded her and were giving her a hard time. I stopped and got out; they turned on me so I grabbed a tire iron and told them to back off."" + +St. Peter: ""You really did that? When did this happen?"" + +The guy: ""About 5 minutes ago!""" +0.08659883091578263,"Why is Reddit the best place for freedom of speech? + [removed]" +0.4312621779605975,"The genie and the russian + A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, ""Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."" The Russian begins thinking, ""Well I really like drinking vodka."" + + + +Finally the Russian says, ""I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."" The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted. + + + +The Russian yells to his wife, ""Natasha, Natasha, come quickly."" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. + + + +The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. + + + +Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him ""Boris, why do we only need one glass?"" Boris raises the glass and says, ""Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."" +" +2.4143754059320197,"God is travelling around the world to spread his religon + He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere. + +He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no. + +He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The crowd begins to look at each other questioningly and a single man steps forward. + +'How much do they cost?' + +God replies, 'They're free.' + +The crowd shouts back, 'WE'LL TAKE TEN!'" +0.2563325395107166,"After i heard the the one about Abe and his wife trying to poison him... I remembered this one. + A Polish man from Chicago married a Wisconsin girl after he had been in the +states a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got +along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked +him if he could arrange a divorce for him ""very quick."" +The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the +circumstances and asked him the following questions: + + +LAWYER: Have you any grounds? + + +POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms. + + +LAWYER ""No,"" I mean what is the foundation of this case?"" + + +POLE: ""It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,"" he responded. + + +LAWYER: ""Does either of you have a real grudge?"" + + +POLE: ""No,"" he replied, ""We have a two-car carport and have never really +needed one."" + + +LAWYER ""I mean, what are your relations like?"" + + +POLE: ""All my relations are in Poland."" + + +LAWYER: ""Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"" + + +POLE: ""Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We +don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."" + + +LAWYER: "" No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"" + + +POLE: NO: "" I'm always up before her."" + + +LAWYER: "" WHY do you want this divorce?"" + + +POLE: ""SHE going to kill me."" + + +LAWYER: ""What makes you think that?"" + + +POLE: ""I got proof."" + + +LAWYER: ""What kind of proof?"" + + +POLE: ""She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put +on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, ""Polish Remover.""" +0.05715522840441654,"There were two sisters + There were two sisters named Petal and Fridge. + +One day Petal was curious and asked her father, ""Why was I named Petal?"" + +His response was, ""Well, when you were a baby a flower petal fell on you."" + +Then Fridge says, ""BLARGHHHALHGLAHG"". +" +0.0017319766183156527,"Rumour has it Toy Story 4 is going to focus on Andy's mom's toys + Coincidentally, they are also called Woody and Buzz" +0.06581511149599481,"Yo mama so fat... + ...she had an heart attack while running an app." +0.023381684347261313,"How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb? + 1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was" +0.7715955834596233,"Why did the blind lady fall into the well? + Because she couldn't see that well." +1.162156310889803,"PornHub removed my sex tape + They told me to try Vine" +0.36544706646460273,"The German Baby Joke + So there is this couple and they adopt a baby from Germany. The baby never starts speaking, even after 3 years. After four years of the boy not speaking the couple take the boy to the doctor, but the doctor says that everything is developing fine, and that there is nothing wrong with him. + +Then one day, when the boy is eating some apple strudel, and he says, ""This apple strudel is a bit tepid"". + +""Wolfgang,"" the couple say, ""you have never spoken before, why do you speak now?"" + +And the boy says, ""Up until now everything had been satisfactory"" + +" +3.2006927906473264,"Love is like a fart. + If you have to force it, then it's probably shit." +0.043299415457891316,"My stoner neighbors got divorced + but it's okay because they got joint custody" +1.5336652955185106,"What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? + I don't know he hasn't opened it yet. " +0.10824853864472829,"Special Hand Job + Getting a hand job from a chick is like watching the special Olympics... + +You keep cheering them on but deep down inside you know you can do better..." +0.11344446849967525,"Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium + Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, ""That's very noble of you""" +0.408746481922494,"Two condoms walk past a gay bar + One says to the other ""what do you say we go in there and get shit-faced?"" " +0.06927906473262611,"I like my women like I like my coffee... + ...all over my crotch when I'm driving." +0.10998051526304395,"How do you get 50 old ladies to yell ""fuck""? + Have one old lady yell ""bingo""" +1.6271920329075558,"How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? + Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement. " +0.5906040268456376,"The next iPhone won't be a failure + In fact, it'll be a huge 6S." +0.15934184888504005,"I hate One Direction fans... + Oscillating ones cool down a room much better." +1.137042649924226,"A woman walks into a bar... + A woman walks into a bar with her pet newt on her shoulder. She sits down on a stool and orders a beer. The barman looks at the woman and her newt and asks her, ""What's his name?"" +""Tiny."" The woman replies. +""Why tiny?"" The barman inquires. +""Because he's my newt."" +" +0.30049794327776574,"My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke. + Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!" +0.5957999567005845,"My dad dressed up as The Invisible Man today + He's had the costume on for the last 20 years" +0.7265641913834163,"Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak? + Because the hamburger is in the ground state." +2.307858843905607,"A Mexican man is found unresponsive... + A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway outside Tijuana. +Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed to the nearest hospital. +Unfortunately, the doctors determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him. He dies within a few minutes and the attending physician marks the cause of death as ""1/2"". +Curious, the nurse asks him what this seemingly unrelated fraction has to do with this man's death. +The doctor responds ""Juan over-dos""." +1.0391859709893916,"Sex without light + There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. + + +Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. + +She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device … a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. + +She went completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” She screamed at him, “How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!” + + +The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: “I’ll explain the toy … you explain the kids.” " +0.13596016453777873,"Why is Tumblr so unhealthy? + It's full of trans fats." +2.9833297250487116,"The deaf wife problem. + +Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. + +Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. + +The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. + +'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a +response.' + +That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' + +No response. + +So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?' +Still no response. + +Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' + +A gain he gets no response. + +So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' + +Again there is no response.. + +So he walks right up behind her. 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?' + + + +'Damn it, Fred, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!' " +3.4674171898679367,"It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet... + It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surprising for a 17 year old boy. + +So he waits and he waits and he waits and finally he gets his tux when he over hears two boys talking about their dates and he thinks ""Shit! I need to get a corsage."" + +So Billy heads on down to the florist and of course there is a huge long corsage line. This too, of course shouldn't be surprising as flowers will die and you don't want to buy them too early. He waits and waits and finally he has his flowers. When he's leaving the shop he overhears two ladies looking at flowers and talking about wedding transportation and Billy groans and thinks ""I need a limo."" + +Wouldn't you know it, prom season is prime wedding season as well, and when he gets to the rental agency theres a huge long limo line. Billy spends even longer waiting in the limo line than the other shops, it's nearly dark when he finally gets his limo. + +Billy is relieved to finally have everything he needs for the prom and phones his girlfriend Penny to tell her the good news. Penny asks ""Did you get the prom tickets?"" Billy starts to panic when Penny laughs and told him she got them a week ago and scolds him for waiting so long to reserve everything. + +The night of the prom arrives and when Billy and Penny get to the prom theres a huge long prom line to get in, because of course in this day and age they need to search the prom goers for drugs and alcohol and weapons. Billy submits to a pat down and goes into the prom. + +Penny says lets go dance for a bit, and after some hard core boogying, Penny suggests they eat. Billy agrees and follows her to the buffet table where there's a huge long buffet line. So they wait and they wait getting hungrier and more impatient until they are finally laden with food and make there way to their table. + +They had just begun to eat when Penny realizes she forgot drinks, to which Billy insists upon getting for the both of them. He heads over the the drinks table and there is no punch line. + +" +2.6707079454427367,"When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle + Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead + +edit: woohoo #1" +2.6100887638016887,"A husband sends a text to his wife. + Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot. + +Wife's Response: +Who is Tina?" +0.06668109980515263,"""Honey, why are there broken condoms on the backyard?"" + And that's when his wife replied shouting: ""I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING THE KIDS THAT!""" +1.5501190733925092,"My ex-gf invited me to her wedding + Told her I was busy, will be there next time" +0.025113660965576965,"Students at Medical School + First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. + +The professor began the lecture by telling them: ""In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."" + +To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. + +""Go ahead and do the same thing,"" he told his students. + +The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. + +When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, + +""The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."" +" +0.0017319766183156527,"2 original jokes + Here's 2 (bad) jokes I made up a few years ago. With all the reposts on here some new ones might be nice even if they are bad! + +1. What do you call a long snake-like poo? A Poothon + +2. A family of poothons were floating down a river. + +The son poothon asks his mother ""dad told me that we're just a by-product of the human digestive system, is that true?"" + +The mother replies ""don't listen to him, he's just talking shit!""" +0.8859060402684564,"(NSFW) What do a girl's asshole and a 9 volt battery have in common? + You know it's wrong, but eventually you have to put your tongue on it." +2.6577181208053693,"My wife and I decided we don't want children... + ...if anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow." +1.0400519592985495,"It's 364 days until christmas. + And people already have their lights up!" +0.7135743667460489,"A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe... + ...and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and formatting Reddit comments so they get the most upvotes. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to... a white child! + +The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, ""Look, you're the only white man we've ever seen around here, and this woman just gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"" + +The professor replied, ""No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."" + +The chief was silent for a moment, then said, ""Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child.""" +0.2875081186403984,"A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down... + The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. + +""I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."" + +A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. + +He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. + +The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. + +""Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."" + +Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. + +The cook happens to be the owner's wife. + +He tells her what had just happened. + +The blind man eats his meal and leaves. + +Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. + +""Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."" + +""I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."" + +The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. + +After another deep breath, the blind man says, ""That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."" + +Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. + +The blind man eats and leaves. + +He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. + +He tells his wife, ""Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."" + +Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. + +As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. + +""Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."" + +The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, ""Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here...""" +0.1610738255033557,"Got a handjob from a blind girl last night. + She said ""You have the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on."" I said ""Nah. You're just pulling my leg.""" +0.6486252435592119,"A non-offensive religious joke for Holy Week: + A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand. + +He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even an error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. + +The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” + +He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. + +Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. + +“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!” +His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. +The young monk asks the old Abbot, “What’s wrong, father?” + +With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, + +“The word was—CELEBRATE!” + +[Source, but it is an old joke](http://ijboudreaux.com/2014/12/08/missing-letter-r/)" +2.4100454643862306,"My new favorite sex position is called ""wow"". + It's where I turn your mom upside down." +0.04849534531283828,"A cat gives birth in a public park... + ...and is fined $50 for littering." +0.08400086598830916,"Some topical jokes for the Brits: + Government cuts bite deep as former prime ministers slashed by 25%. + +What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Savile? Nothing: they're both dead and fucked miners. + +Margaret Thatcher has died peacefully following a stroke at the age of 87. I for one am truly devastated about this... she went peacefully. + +It has been announced that Thatcher's corpse will be thrown down one of the pits she closed and a public toilet built on top of it charging £5 a dump. Funds raised are expected to clear the national debt by Friday lunchtime." +0.12037237497293786,"Hi, how much for this torture device? + Sir, that's a wedding ring." +3.9592985494695823,"So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer + The loan officer comes over immediately. + +“How can I help you, sir?” he asks. + +“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers. + +The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan. + +So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying, “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front.” + +“Here are the documents, as well,” he says as he hands over a tiny stack of papers. + +The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank. + +“One moment, please.” + +The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank. Everything checks out. + +So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari. + +An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it. + +Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41. + +The loan officer smiles and says, “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely.” + +Then he adds, “But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.” + +“While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?” + +The man replies, “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”" +0.374106949556181,"A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. + A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. + +The bartender looks at him and says, ""Hang on! You're a duck."" + +""I see your eyes are working,"" replies the duck. + +""And you can talk!"" exclaims the bartender. + +""I see your ears are working, too,"" says the duck. ""Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"" + +""Certainly, sorry about that"" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. ""It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"" + +""I'm working on the building site across the road,"" explains the duck. ""I'm a plasterer."" + +The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. + +So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. + +The same thing happens for two weeks. + +Then one day the circus comes to town. + +The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him: + +""You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"" + +""Sounds marvelous,"" says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. ""Get him to give me a call."" + +So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, ""Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."" + +""I'm always looking for the next job,"" says the duck. ""Where is it?"" + +""At the circus,"" says the bartender. + +""The circus?"" repeats the duck. + +""That's right,"" replies the bartender. + +""The circus?"" the duck asks again. ""With the big TENT?"" + +""Yeah!"" the bartender replies. + +""With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?"" says the duck. + +""Of course,"" the bartender replies. + +""And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?"" persists the duck. + +""That's right!"" says the bartender. + +The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: ""What would they want with a plasterer??"" +" +0.38536479757523273,"Why did the blonde snort splenda? + She thought it was diet coke." +0.16886772028577615,"The new CEO + On his first day, the new head man takes a tour of the main factory where the company's products are made - commenting periodically to his assistants on possible changes. The most common thing he notices is that most of the employees could be working harder than they are. Finally, he spots one guy who's literally just leaning against the wall, twiddling his thumbs. + +The CEO is pissed off and decides to send a message. He walks up to the guy, who doesn't seem bothered in the slightest. ""Hey, you,"" the CEO says. ""What are you doing?"" + +""Just, sitting around waiting to get paid,"" the man said. Now the CEO is really furious. + +""Okay, well tell you what. How much do you make in a week?"" + +The man shrugs, ""I don't know, $200."" + +The CEO pulls out his personal checkbook, writes a check for $400, and hands it to the man. ""Two weeks notice. Now get out."" The man pauses, thinks for a moment, and then leaves. Feeling satisfied, the CEO turns around to everyone, hoping the message has been received. + +""Well? Can anyone tell me what just happened?"" + +""Well,"" said one of his employees. ""You just tipped the pizza guy a whole lot of money."" +" +0.01731976618315653,"I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock.... + I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds. + +I'm here all day.." +1.4193548387096775,"The Tired Marine + A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. + +The war-weary Marine asked, ""Ma'am, may I have that seat?"" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, ""Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."" + +The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. ""Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired,"" he asked again. She snorted, ""Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"" +This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, ""Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"" + +An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. ""Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.""" +0.5559644944793245,"My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture + My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, ""Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."" + +""Oh John!"" she sighed. ""I thought you had a real one this time.""" +0.1636717904308292,"What makes an ISIS joke funny? + The execution." +0.020783719419787832,"5 Jokes about Boiling Water + 1. Perhaps I shouldn't joke on here about boiling water, it might be too steamy. +2. RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist. +3. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. +4. What do you get when your pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies +5. One cannibal says to the other cannibal ""hey I ate a missionary the other day and he gave me an upset stomach."" The second cannibal says ""That's too bad. How'd you cook him?"" The first cannibal says ""Oh, I threw him in the giant pot of boiling water like always."" The second cannibal says ""Makes sense. And what did he look like?"" The first cannibal says ""The usual. Brown robe, rope belt, sandals."" And the second cannibal says ""Well there's your problem. You boiled him, and he was a friar."" + +Bonus Related Joke: How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it." +0.0008659883091578263,"love is like a fart + If you have to to force it, it's probably shit." +0.2961680017319766,"HandJob + Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, ""I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, ""That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"" " +0.3637150898462871,"How many american rugby fans does it take to change a lightbulb + Both of them" +2.684563758389262,"The dirty professor + The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke. After a real objectionable example of that one day, the female students got together and decided that next time, when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison. + +The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he entered the lecture hall, he said: ""Good morning! Have you heard about the shortage of prostitutes in India?"" + +Now all the female students stood up and headed toward the exit. + +The professor continued: ""Oh, ladies, please wait, the boat to India doesn't leave until tomorrow!""" +0.16280580212167137,"Programming is like sex. + One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life." +0.898029876596666,"What is the one type of person that will never get angry? + A nomad." +1.0149382983329724,"What do you call a Filipino contortionist? + A manila folder!!!" +0.952587140073609,"A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing + Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. + +Sergeant: What is her height? + +Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. + +Sergeant: Weight? + +Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. + +Sergeant: Color of eyes? + +Husband: Never noticed. + +Sergeant: Color of hair? + +Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown. + +Sergeant: What was she wearing? + +Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly. + +Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? + +Husband: She went in my truck. + +Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? + +Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up. + +Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck. +" +0.2684563758389262,"An amish girl and her mom are riding home in a horse drawn carriage + Daughter: ""Mom, my hands are so cold."" + +Mother: ""Stick your hands between your legs and your body heat will keep them warm."" + +So the daughter does this and she is amazed how warm her hands got. So the next night she is with her boyfriend running errands: + +Boyfriend: ""Wow, it is cold out, my hands are so cold."" + +Daughter: ""Stick your hands between my legs and my body heat will keep them warm."" + +So the boyfriend does this, then later on in the night: + +Boyfriend: ""It is so cold, now my nose is really cold!"" + +Daughter: ""Stick your nose between my legs and my body heat will keep it warm."" + +The next morning the daughter wakes up and goes to her mother: + +Daughter: ""Mother, what is a penis?"" + +Mother: ""Why are you asking such a thing for? Should i be concerned?"" + +Daughter: ""Oh, no worries, I was just wondering. My boyfriend said last night it was cold so i told him to stick it between my legs to make it warm and wow does it make one hell of a mess when it defrosts!""" +1.7328426066248106,"What does smoking a cigarette and eating a pussy have in common? [NSFW] + The flavor gets stronger as you get closer to the butt. " +0.06668109980515263,"What mom loves... + Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose? + +Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers! + +Son: Mom, what do you love? + +Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!" +0.012989824637367395,"Two prostitutes are discussing the hazards of their job + One says, ""Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"" + +""No, but I've been slung around by the tits.""" +0.015587789564840875,"2 engineers v/s a Blonde + Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. + +A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing. + +""We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,"" said Sven, ""but we don't have a ladder."" + +The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, ""Twenty one feet, six inches,"" and walked away. + +One engineer shook his head and laughed, ""Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!""" +0.032907555747997405,"What do you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns? + Go for the juggler." +0.4884174063650141,"My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick + Especially since his name is Steve" +0.4260662481056506,"They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. + I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm." +1.0798874215198095,"A girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying + A man walks up to her and says ""What's wrong?"" She replies ""I've never been kissed before."" So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says ""What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed."" This time she replies ""Yea, but I've never been fucked before."" The man thinks for a second, and has an idea. He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her ""Well, you're fucked now!""" +1.0504438190084433,"The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: ""Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"" + ""Well, honey,"" the mother says, ""it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."" + +Satisfied, the child goes away. + +Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. ""Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"" + +""Well, darling,"" the mother says, ""it's because when you were a little baby, a feather floated down and landed on your head."" + +The little girl smiles and goes on her way. + +A few moments later the youngest child runs into the room and says: ""WARGLBARGLAAHRGLB?"" + +The mother says: ""Shut up, Refrigerator.""" +0.8997618532149816,"My new thai girlfriend said ""A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship"" + I still wish she didn't have one though." +0.16020783719419787,"A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. + So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, ""This is a tree."" + +The chief looks at the tree and grunts, ""Tree."" + +The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, ""This is a rock."" + +Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, ""Rock."" + +The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. + +The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, ""Man riding a bike."" + +The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.. + +The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? + +The chief replied, ""My bike.""" +0.6113877462654255,"A visitor to Harvard asks a professor... + A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, ""Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"" + +""Sir,"" came the sneering reply, ""at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."" + +""Well, in that case, forgive me,"" said the visitor. ""Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, jackass?""" +3.630222991989608,"A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son + They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks ""What's are these, dad?"" To which the man matter-of-factly replies ""Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex"". ""Oh I see"" replied the boys pensively. ""Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school"". + +He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks ""Why are there 3 in this package?"" The dad replies ""Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday"". ""Cool!"" says the boy. + +He notices a 6-pack and asks ""Then who are these for?"" ""Those are for college men"" The dad answers ""TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday"". ""WOW!"" exclaimed the boy. + +""Then who uses THESE?"" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied ""Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...""" +0.05715522840441654,"An asshole + What do you call someone that puts the punchline in the title?" +0.1705996969040918,"A husband leaves his money in the attic... + His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic. + +The husband replies, "" So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."" + +A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, "" I knew he should have put it in the basement.""" +0.1021866204806235,"A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident. + She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks, ""Where's my son? He's really good at soccer and has a long career ahead of him."" + +The doctor replies, ""I'm so sorry- in the accident he lost his leg. He will not be able to kick a soccer ball any more."" + +Getting anxious, the woman asks about her daughter. ""Doctor, where is my daughter? She's a tennis prodigy, and will likely win the US Open one day!"" + +The doctor says, ""Sorry, but in the accident she lost her arm and will not be able to pick up a racket ever again."" + +The woman begins to cry. + +""Doctor, how long have I been in this coma?"" + +""About a month,"" he replies. + +""So what's the date?"" asks the woman. + +""April 1st,"" the doctor says, grinning. + +The woman begins to laugh. ""Ha, so you were joking all along, weren't you?"" + +Chuckling, the doctor says, ""Yep! They both died on impact!""" +1.4167568737822038,"What has 6 letters, starts with 'P', and ends a sentence? + Parole. +" +0.0,"My wife gave me the silent treatment for a week... + It ended when I told her ""We've been getting along really well lately""." +3.058670707945443,"I lost two things today. My virginity... + ...and my job at the morgue." +1.1682182290539078,"My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper + looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again" +0.8902359818142455,"A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend [NSFW] + A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend, and they're thinking about getting it on. As they're getting ready, the girlfriend asks the man how many sexual partners he's had. + +He begins to count, and soon he falls asleep." +0.3048278848235549,"Is This A Joke? + A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, ""why the long face?"" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says ""Can you put me up for the night?"" The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask ""Is this some kind of a joke?""" +3.3141372591470013,"What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies? + A fart. + + +*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*" +0.1610738255033557,"Little Johnny... + Little Johnny was all set to start grade three. On his first day, Little Johnny's dad insisted on taking him inside to meet with the teacher. + +Once there, Johnny's dad took the teacher aside and said, ""Mrs. Velasquez, I'm Johnny's father. I want to warn you in advance that Johnny has a gambling problem. He will try to bet on anything he can whenever he can. I need your help to try and stop him from doing this."" Mrs. Velasquez agrees and Johnny's father leaves. + +At lunch time, Johnny goes up to her and says, ""Mrs. Velasquez, I'll bet you $50 that I can guess what colour your panties are. They're pink."" The teacher is taken aback but figures that since she is wearing a solid black skirt, it's an easy bet to win. She tells Johnny to hang back after school. + +Near the end of the school day, the principal comes to the classroom door and Mrs. Velasquez goes to speak to him. After he leaves, she slips into the coat closet and removes her pink panties and returns to the class. + +After the final bell, Johnny is waiting at his desk. Mrs. Velasquez walks over to him and tells Johnny that he owes her $50 because her panties aren't pink. She takes Johnny over to the coat closet and lifts her skirt to show him that she didn't have pink panties - she didn't have anything on at all! Johnny agrees to pay her the $50 tomorrow. + +Johnny walks outside to get his ride home and Mrs. Velasquez follows him out. Johnny's father gets out of the car and she asks if she can speak to him. + +""Mr. Eldon, I think I've cured Johnny of his gambling problem. Don't be mad, but he bet me $50 that he could guess the colour of my panties and he was wrong. I wasn't wearing any. Now he owes me."" + +""Damn it!"", Johnny's father says. + +""What's the matter?"" + +""That little bastard bet me $100 today that he'd get the teacher to show him her pussy on the first day!"" + + +" +0.7308941329292055,"I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight... + But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?" +0.006061918164104785,"I haven't spoken to my wife in 6mths, + I don't like to interrupt her. " +0.1541459190300931,"A wife is like a hand grenade + you take away the ring, and there goes your house" +0.2589305044381901,"A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche... + A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, ""Where did you get that car?"" + +He calmly told them, ""I bought it today."" + +""With what money!?"" demanded his parents. ""We know what a Porsche costs."" + +""Well,"" said the boy, ""this one cost me fifteen dollars."" + +The parents began to yell even louder. ""Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?"" they asked. + +""It was the lady up the street,"" said the boy. ""Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."" + +""Oh my goodness!"" moaned the mother, ""she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."" + +So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. + +""Well,"" she said, ""this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."" +" +0.29703399004113445,"A British man visits Australia + A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks ""Do you have a previous criminal history?"" + +The visitor replies ""I didn't realize that was still a requirement""" +0.01905174280147218,"A lady walks into a dry cleaners... + ...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, ""I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."" + +The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, ""come again?"" + +Unfazed, she replies, ""No. Vanilla ice cream this time.""" +0.10824853864472829,"A Greek and a Italian are having a beer. + The Greek Says +""You know, we invented sex."" +Then the Italian turn's and looks at him. +""Well we brought women into it.""" +0.16020783719419787,"What does Donald Trump tell Barack Obama supporters? + Orange Is The New Black" +0.3074258497510284,"My roommates get angry when I steal their kitchen utensils + But frankly, thats a whisk I'm willing to take. +" +1.1179909071227538,"Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa... + There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor. The boy says, ""What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"" Grandpa says, ""They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."" Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and said, ""Ugh, those taste like crap, grandpa!"" + +Grandpa says, ""See you're getting smarter already.""" +0.3117557912968175,"Why do fish live in salt water? + Because pepper makes them sneeze. + +My 8 y/o daughter told me this joke." +0.10565057371725482,"A tourist backpacking the highlands of Scotland enters a bar, and inside there's only a bar tender and an old man nursing a beer. They sit in silence until the old man looks over to the tourist and says, ""You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands."" + The old man continues, ""I found the finest wood in the county, gave it more love than my own child, but do they call me McGregor the bar-builder? No!"" + +He points out the window, ""You see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands; found every stone, placed them just so, through the rain and the cold. But do they call me McGregor the stone wall builder? No!"" + +The old man points out the other window, ""You see that pier on the lake out there? I built that pier with my own bare hands, drove the pilings against the tide of the sand, plank-by-plank. But do they call me McGregor the pier builder? No!"" + +The old man looked down, took a swig from his mug, + +and turned back to the tourist. + +... + + +""But you fuck one goat..""" +0.3386014288807101,"A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. + He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. + +The lawyer asks, ""What for?"" + +The sheriff responds, ""You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."" + +The lawyer says, ""I slowed down and no one was coming."" + +""You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please,"" says the sheriff impatiently. + +The lawyer says, ""If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."" + +The sheriff says, ""That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."" + +The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. + +The sheriff says, ""Do you want me to stop or just slow down?""" +0.07967092444252002,"A kid had sex with his teacher + So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, ""What did you do at school today?"" The kid replies, ""I had sex with the teacher."" The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, ""Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike."" Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, ""Would you like to try it out?"" The son replies, ""Not now. My butt still hurts" +0.11084650357220177,"The clever Doctor + A Doctor can't find a job in any Hospital in USA, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' + +A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic... + +Lawyer: ""I have lost my sense of taste."" + +Doctor: ""Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."" + +Lawyer: ""Ugh... this is kerosene."" + +Doctor: ""Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."" + +The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money... + +Lawyer: ""I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."" + +Doctor: ""Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."" + +Lawyer (annoyed): ""This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."" + +Doctor: ""Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."" + +The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. + +Lawyer: ""My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."" + +Doctor: ""Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."" + +Lawyer (staring at the note): ""But this is $1"" not $100!!"" + +Doctor: ""Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20""." +0.2701883524572418,"Peyton Manning is opening a bakery. + As a special promotion, he's giving away turnovers." +3.2846936566356355,"Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. + Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President." +1.2262394457674821,"The Human Centipede wasn't that bad really.. + ...most of it was tongue in cheek." +2.57371725481706,"A wife came home early and, + One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” + +The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” + +“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” + +So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. + +I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! + +Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. + +I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” + +The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” + +“Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”" +1.2903225806451613,"A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. + Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. +Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. +Boy: ""Dark in here."" +Man: ""Yes it is."" +Boy: ""I have a baseball."" +Man: ""That's nice."" +Boy: ""Want to buy it?"" +Man: ""No, thanks."" +Boy: ""My dad's outside."" +Man: ""OK, how much?"" +Boy: ""£250."" +In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. +Boy: ""Dark in here."" +Man: ""Yes, it is."" +Boy: ""I have a baseball glove."" +Man: ""That's nice."" +Boy: ""Want to buy it?"" +Man: ""No, thanks."" +Boy: ""I'll tell."" +Man: ""How much?"" +Boy: ""£750."" +Man: ""Fine."" +A few days later, the father says to the boy, ""Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"" +The boy says, ""I can't. I sold them."" +The father asks, ""How much did you sell them for?"" +The son says, ""£1,000."" +The father says, ""That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."" +They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. +The boy says, ""Dark in here."" +The priest says, ""Don't start that sh*t again.""" +0.42520025979649273,"Why are divorces so expensive? + Because they're worth it. " +0.13076423468283177,"I don't trust umbrellas. + They're shady." +0.8148949989175146,"Man gets a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. + After dinner he asks his son what he did after school. +Son says he did his homework. Robot slaps son. +Son admits he was at a friend's house watching movies. +Father asks what movie did son watch. +Son says they watched Toy Story. Robot slaps son. +Son admits they were watching porn. +Father says at this age he did not even know what porn was. Robot slaps Dad. +Mother laughs and says, ""Well, he certainly is your son."" Robot slaps woman. + +Robot for sale. " +3.3141372591470013,"A biker walks into a bar... + ..and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar. + +He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: + +Hamburger - 2.99 + +Cheeseburger - 3.99 + +Chicken Sandwich - 4.99 + +Hand Jobs - 19.99 + +The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice ""Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"" The bartender blushes slightly and says ""Yes, I am"" with a sexy little smile. + +The biker grins and says ""Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger.""" +1.077289456592336,"What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? + Your job still sucks." +0.01905174280147218,"An old farmer is sitting on his front porch. + An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. ""Hey boy, whatcha got there?"" + +""Chicken wire."" + +""What you gonna do with that?"" + +""Gonna catch some chickens."" + +""You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"" says the old man. + +The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire. + +The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. ""Hey boy, whatcha got there?"" + +""Duct tape."" + +""What you gonna do with that?"" + +""Gonna catch me some ducks."" + +""You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"" + +The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape. + +The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. ""Hey boy, whatcha got there?"" + +""It's a pussy willow."" + +""Wait up,"" says the old man. ""I'll get my hat!""" +0.7300281446200476,"100% Inappropriate. 100% Sexist. 100% Rude. 50% Funny. + 1. Why did God create woman? +To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet. +2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? +The swallow +3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? +Call her. +4. Why do women fake orgasms? +Because they think men care. +5. What is the definition of ""making love""? +Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. +6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? +Slow down and use a lubricant. +7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? +Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your [w]hole weak. +8. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb? +None, let the bitch cook in the dark. +9. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E? +One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural problem. +10. Why does the bride always wear white? +Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. +11. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? +Nothing, she's been told twice already. +12. How many men does it take to open a beer? +None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in. +13. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? +Made her chain too long. +14. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? +Marry it! +15. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? +A battery has a positive side. +16. What are the three fastest means of communication? +1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman +17. Why do hunters make the best lovers? +Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot. +18. How are fat girls and mopeds alike? +They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. +19. What should you give a woman who has everything? +A man to show her how to work it. +20. How are tornadoes and marriage alike? +They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house. +21. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? +She knows she's given her last blow job. +22. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? +A whore sleeps with everyone at the party while a bitch sleeps with +everyoneveryone at the party except you. +23. What's the difference between your wife and your job? +After 10 years the job still sucks. +24. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? +Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. +25. Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist""? +Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. +26. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? +When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went. +27. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? +Put a nipple on it. +28. Why did the woman cross the road? +What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?! +29. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon? +'cause it doesn't need cleaning yet. +30. How is a woman like a condom? +Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick + +Edit: Corrected numbering. + +To the haters, what were you expecting when you clicked on that title? Seriously. " +0.1480840008659883,"A young boy asks his dad + A young boy asks his dad: +""Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their fingers aren't green?"" + +Dad replies: +""It's just a saying, son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing something, they say that they have been caught 'red handed,' even though their hands are actually black.""" +0.204373240961247,"My girlfriend says penis size shouldn't matter in a healthy and loving relationship. + I still wish she didn't have one. +  + + +EDIT: to draw attention to new Gender Studies section in comments. " +0.5412426932236415,"""Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."" + ""Oh my god... How many is a Brazilian?""" +0.5516345529335354,"Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch + Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names " +0.6044598397921628,"""Give it to me,"" my girlfriend yelled. ""I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"" + She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella" +0.6226455942844772,"A black man walks into a bar... + A black man walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. + +""That is really special,"" said the bartender. ""Where did you get it?"" + +""Africa,"" replied the parrot." +1.8263693440138558,"What are the options? + Air Hostess to passenger: +""Sir would you like to have dinner?"" + +Passenger: ""What are the options?"" + +Air Hostess: ""Yes and No.""" +2.907122753842823,"A young lady from my office just sent me an email + saying ""ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"" + +Oh boy am I excited, but what does ""ternative"" mean?" +0.6884607057804719,"A heart of gold. + A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?” + +The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?” + +“Um, no,” mumbled the director. + +“Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?” + +“I … I … I had no idea.” + +“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?” +" +0.31088980298765967,"My dad never really loved me as a child + I can't really blame him though ; I wasn't born until he was an adult." +0.782853431478675,"The Irish Millionaire + Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. + +""You've done very well so far,"" said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, ""but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"" + +""Sure,"" said Mick. ""I'll have a go!"" + +""Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? + +a) Sparrow + +b) Thrush, + +c) Magpie, + +d) Cuckoo?"" + +""I haven't got a clue."" said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."" + +Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. + +""Fookin hell, Mick!"" cried Paddy. ""Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."" + +""Are you sure?"" + +""I'm fookin sure."" + +Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, ""I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."" + +""Is that your final answer?"" asked Chris. + +""Dat it is."" + +There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, ""Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"" + +The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink. + +""Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"" + +""Because he lives in a Fookin clock!""" +0.006927906473262611,"My 4 year old is a comedian and loves jokes.. this is her favorite one... + Why did the banana go to the hospital? + + +Because he wasn't peeling very well. " +2.7044814894998916,"A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads... + A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: + +Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 +Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 +Hand Job: $10.00 + +He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender. + +""Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"" he asks. + +""Yes,"" she purrs. ""I am."" + +""Well, wash your fuckin' hands,"" says the man. ""I want a chicken sandwich!""" +0.38969473912102187,"""Knock knock"" + ""Who's there?"" +""Dave"" +""Dave who?"" +Dave had to hold back tears as he realised his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse" +0.22775492530850833,"My dad just won the nonexistent Grammy joke competition. + We're watching the Grammys as a family when the Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood performance came up. We watched it in silence and then talked about the performance once it finished. My mother thought Sam Hunt looked similar to someone and thus the joke begins: + +Mom: ""Hmm. That guy looks like someone else. Does he have any family?"" + +Dad: (gives a thoughtful look before replying) ""Yeah he looks really familiar... Oh! His brother is Mike!"" + +Mom: ""Mike Hunt?..."" + +(My dad breaks out into the biggest grin on record and we both start laughing our asses off) + +Mom: ""Oh **dammit.**""" +0.22602294869019268,"A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet... + But I can only walk so fast." +0.12037237497293786,"The brain + The brain is a amazing organ it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from the day you are born until you see your first woman naked." +1.9761853214981597,"Three men die and are sent to Hell. + Satan punishes them based on their sins, they must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life. The alchohalic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke. The three men face their punishments happily. 80 years later, Satan opens their doors. The alchohalic had drank all the booze and was incredibly sick from a hangover that never cured. He pleaded for repentance, swearing to never drink again. The sex addict had not aged, and was being chased by several unattactive, horny old ladies. He begged Satan to let him go as he had learned his lesson. Finally, Satan openes the door to the pot head's room. To his surprise, non of the weed had been smoked. The pot head was sitting on the floor crying. He said to Satan, ""Do you have a lighter man?!""" +0.5481705996969041,"A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, + so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven year's he has been doing that. + +One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, ""What the hell is that, are you using a +pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit."" + +So the man said, ""Shut the fuck up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!""" +0.1931153929421953,"Two elves walk into Santa's office. + Santa looks up and says, ""Gary, Larry, how can I help you?"" Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa. +""Santa"", Gary says, ""Are there any elf nuns in the workshop?"" Santa checks a list and says, ""No, I'm sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop."" +Gary asks, ""Well Santa, are there any elf nuns working any where in the compound?"" Santa checks a list then says, ""I'm sorry, but there are no elf nuns working in the coumpound."" +Gary looks at Larry and asks, ""Santa, are there any elf nuns in the North Pole at all?"" Santa looks at his list for a few minutes and says, ""I'm sorry Gary, but there aren't any elf nuns in the North Pole."" +Larry finally busts out laughing and says, ""See? I knew you fucked a penguin!"" + +'Tis the season for giving, post your best holiday joke!" +1.3093743234466335,"Had a house party last night + ...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, ""I've brought your son home."" +His mother replied, ""Where is his wheel chair?""" +0.1212383632820957,"Old joke, still funny + A genius senior in high school takes a chemistry test. He gets his score back and is shocked he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his university of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was “How many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have?” In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2. +Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a bronze oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface of the lamp, a genie suddenly appears. The genie thunders, “I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire?” The student eyes light up and immediately replies, “I wish I had gotten that question right,” and the universe explodes." +1.1985278198744318,"Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: + Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: +""Windows frozen."" +Husband texts back: +""Pour some lukewarm water over it."" +Wife texts back 5 mins later: +""Computer completely fucked now.""" +0.01905174280147218,"I want to tell you a scoliosis joke + but it's completely out of line." +0.08140290106083568,"I saw someone try to park a car for about 10 minutes. + I didn't see the driver so I'm not going to assume what gender she was."