ANLP_WS24_CA1/data/tok_good_jokes.csv

body,id,score,title,tok_body,tok_title,tokens,length
"On the condition he gets to install windows.


",5tn84z,48526,Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall,"['condition', 'get', 'install', 'window']","['breaking', 'news', 'bill', 'gate', 'agreed', 'pay', 'trump', 'wall']","['condition', 'get', 'install', 'window', 'breaking', 'news', 'bill', 'gate', 'agreed', 'pay', 'trump', 'wall']",12
/r/Jokes,4xjyho,45500,I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%,[],"['found', 'place', 'recycling', 'rate']","['found', 'place', 'recycling', 'rate']",4
"But its a silly comparison really, its like comparing apples to oranges. ",5s9jog,39570,Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.,"['silly', 'comparison', 'really', 'like', 'comparing', 'apple', 'orange']","['steve', 'job', 'would', 'better', 'president', 'donald', 'trump']","['silly', 'comparison', 'really', 'like', 'comparing', 'apple', 'orange', 'steve', 'job', 'would', 'better', 'president', 'donald', 'trump']",14
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.,4wgall,36421,My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.,"['went', 'drink', 'cool', 'guy', 'want', 'web', 'developer']","['girlfriend', 'told', 'take', 'spider', 'instead', 'killing']","['went', 'drink', 'cool', 'guy', 'want', 'web', 'developer', 'girlfriend', 'told', 'take', 'spider', 'instead', 'killing']",13
Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge. ,4pj3q3,35772,"For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex.","['please', 'upvote', 'huge']","['every', 'upvote', 'get', 'girlfriend', 'try', 'one', 'thrust', 'anal', 'sex']","['please', 'upvote', 'huge', 'every', 'upvote', 'get', 'girlfriend', 'try', 'one', 'thrust', 'anal', 'sex']",12
"He winked at me and said, ""I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park.""",5rmhv3,35412,"Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, ""How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?""","['winked', 'said', 'duty', 'ten', 'minute', 'meet', 'car', 'park']","['wife', 'given', 'birth', 'asked', 'doctor', 'soon', 'think', 'able', 'sex']","['winked', 'said', 'duty', 'ten', 'minute', 'meet', 'car', 'park', 'wife', 'given', 'birth', 'asked', 'doctor', 'soon', 'think', 'able', 'sex']",17
"'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'

'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'",4zu8ii,33626,Forget everything you learned in college...,"['everything', 'learned', 'college', 'wo', 'need', 'working', 'never', 'went', 'college', 'sorry', 'underqualified', 'work']","['forget', 'everything', 'learned', 'college']","['everything', 'learned', 'college', 'wo', 'need', 'working', 'never', 'went', 'college', 'sorry', 'underqualified', 'work', 'forget', 'everything', 'learned', 'college']",16
"Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.",4vvaie,32974,What's a pirate's least favorite letter?,"['dear', 'sir', 'internet', 'access', 'terminated', 'due', 'illegal', 'usage', 'sincerely', 'service', 'provider']","['pirate', 'least', 'favorite', 'letter']","['dear', 'sir', 'internet', 'access', 'terminated', 'due', 'illegal', 'usage', 'sincerely', 'service', 'provider', 'pirate', 'least', 'favorite', 'letter']",15
"A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian.  The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, ""That's odd.  I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.""  So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.  

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians.  The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said ""That's odd.  I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.""

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there.  The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray.  They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians.""

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, ""That's odd . . . """,4pnbc6,32017,A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .,"['jewish', 'man', 'sends', 'son', 'israel', 'live', 'eventually', 'return', 'home', 'christian', 'man', 'find', 'odd', 'mention', 'friend', 'friend', 'listens', 'think', 'moment', 'say', 'odd', 'sent', 'son', 'israel', 'jew', 'returned', 'christian', 'two', 'went', 'see', 'rabbi', 'told', 'rabbi', 'story', 'sent', 'son', 'israel', 'jew', 'son', 'returned', 'christian', 'rabbi', 'listened', 'thought', 'minute', 'said', 'odd', 'also', 'sent', 'son', 'israel', 'jew', 'returned', 'christian', 'three', 'decide', 'go', 'israel', 'find', 'going', 'arrive', 'go', 'straight', 'western', 'wall', 'pray', 'explain', 'god', 'sent', 'son', 'israel', 'jew', 'returned', 'christian', 'long', 'silence', 'god', 'begin', 'speak', 'saying', 'odd']","['jewish', 'man', 'sends', 'son', 'israel', 'live']","['jewish', 'man', 'sends', 'son', 'israel', 'live', 'eventually', 'return', 'home', 'christian', 'man', 'find', 'odd', 'mention', 'friend', 'friend', 'listens', 'think', 'moment', 'say', 'odd', 'sent', 'son', 'israel', 'jew', 'returned', 'christian', 'two', 'went', 'see', 'rabbi', 'told', 'rabbi', 'story', 'sent', 'son', 'israel', 'jew', 'son', 'returned', 'christian', 'rabbi', 'listened', 'thought', 'minute', 'said', 'odd', 'also', 'sent', 'son', 'israel', 'jew', 'returned', 'christian', 'three', 'decide', 'go', 'israel', 'find', 'going', 'arrive', 'go', 'straight', 'western', 'wall', 'pray', 'explain', 'god', 'sent', 'son', 'israel', 'jew', 'returned', 'christian', 'long', 'silence', 'god', 'begin', 'speak', 'saying', 'odd', 'jewish', 'man', 'sends', 'son', 'israel', 'live']",87
"So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
",5qeezz,31006,My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.,"['made', 'marry', 'old', 'guy', 'never', 'met', 'secure', 'alliance', 'french']","['girlfriend', 'kept', 'telling', 'treat', 'like', 'princess']","['made', 'marry', 'old', 'guy', 'never', 'met', 'secure', 'alliance', 'french', 'girlfriend', 'kept', 'telling', 'treat', 'like', 'princess']",15
because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.,4a9ax9,30882,Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...,"['ca', 'truly', 'hitler', 'blame', 'jew', 'problem']","['trump', 'blaming', 'sander', 'violence', 'rally']","['ca', 'truly', 'hitler', 'blame', 'jew', 'problem', 'trump', 'blaming', 'sander', 'violence', 'rally']",11
"Whoops, wrong sub.",2qmkf0,30863,TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway,"['whoop', 'wrong', 'sub']","['tifu', 'mixing', 'wife', 'sandwich', 'order', 'subway']","['whoop', 'wrong', 'sub', 'tifu', 'mixing', 'wife', 'sandwich', 'order', 'subway']",9
With iPhone accessories.  ,51t7fe,30499,How do you milk sheep?,"['iphone', 'accessory']","['milk', 'sheep']","['iphone', 'accessory', 'milk', 'sheep']",4
"There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. 

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. 

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. 

He made it out, but a single person died. 

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. 

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. 

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. 

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. 

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. 

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. 

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. 

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. 

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. 

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. 

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. 

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. 

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. 

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. 

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

""You know what? No,"" said the executioner. ""I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."" 

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. 

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. 

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said ""Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor.""",4khrw8,30019,There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...,"['man', 'bulgaria', 'drove', 'train', 'living', 'loved', 'job', 'driving', 'train', 'dream', 'ever', 'since', 'child', 'loved', 'make', 'train', 'go', 'fast', 'possible', 'unfortunately', 'one', 'day', 'little', 'reckless', 'caused', 'crash', 'made', 'single', 'person', 'died', 'well', 'needle', 'say', 'went', 'court', 'incident', 'found', 'guilty', 'sentenced', 'death', 'electrocution', 'day', 'execution', 'came', 'requested', 'single', 'banana', 'last', 'meal', 'eating', 'banana', 'strapped', 'electric', 'chair', 'switch', 'flown', 'spark', 'flew', 'smoke', 'filled', 'nothing', 'happened', 'man', 'perfectly', 'fine', 'well', 'time', 'old', 'bulgarian', 'law', 'said', 'failed', 'execution', 'sign', 'divine', 'intervention', 'man', 'allowed', 'go', 'free', 'somehow', 'managed', 'get', 'old', 'job', 'back', 'driving', 'train', 'learned', 'lesson', 'went', 'right', 'back', 'driving', 'train', 'reckless', 'abandon', 'caused', 'train', 'crash', 'time', 'killing', 'two', 'people', 'trial', 'went', 'much', 'first', 'resulting', 'sentence', 'execution', 'final', 'meal', 'man', 'requested', 'two', 'banana', 'eating', 'banana', 'strapped', 'electric', 'chair', 'switch', 'thrown', 'spark', 'flew', 'smoke', 'filled', 'man', 'unharmed', 'well', 'course', 'meant', 'free', 'go', 'somehow', 'manages', 'get', 'old', 'job', 'back', 'surprise', 'one', 'crashed', 'yet', 'another', 'train', 'killed', 'three', 'people', 'found', 'sentenced', 'death', 'day', 'execution', 'requested', 'final', 'three', 'banana', 'know', 'said', 'executioner', 'stupid', 'banana', 'walking', 'unharmed', 'giving', 'thing', 'eat', 'strapping', 'well', 'protocol', 'man', 'strapped', 'electric', 'chair', 'without', 'last', 'meal', 'switch', 'pulled', 'spark', 'flew', 'smoke', 'filled', 'man', 'still', 'unharmed', 'executioner', 'speechless', 'man', 'looked', 'executioner', 'said', 'oh', 'banana', 'nothing', 'bad', 'conductor']","['man', 'bulgaria', 'drove', 'train', 'living']","['man', 'bulgaria', 'drove', 'train', 'living', 'loved', 'job', 'driving', 'train', 'dream', 'ever', 'since', 'child', 'loved', 'make', 'train', 'go', 'fast', 'possible', 'unfortunately', 'one', 'day', 'little', 'reckless', 'caused', 'crash', 'made', 'single', 'person', 'died', 'well', 'needle', 'say', 'went', 'court', 'incident', 'found', 'guilty', 'sentenced', 'death', 'electrocution', 'day', 'execution', 'came', 'requested', 'single', 'banana', 'last', 'meal', 'eating', 'banana', 'strapped', 'electric', 'chair', 'switch', 'flown', 'spark', 'flew', 'smoke', 'filled', 'nothing', 'happened', 'man', 'perfectly', 'fine', 'well', 'time', 'old', 'bulgarian', 'law', 'said', 'failed', 'execution', 'sign', 'divine', 'intervention', 'man', 'allowed', 'go', 'free', 'somehow', 'managed', 'get', 'old', 'job', 'back', 'driving', 'train', 'learned', 'lesson', 'went', 'right', 'back', 'driving', 'train', 'reckless', 'abandon', 'caused', 'train', 'crash', 'time', 'killing', 'two', 'people', 'trial', 'went', 'much', 'first', 'resulting', 'sentence', 'execution', 'final', 'meal', 'man', 'requested', 'two', 'banana', 'eating', 'banana', 'strapped', 'electric', 'chair', 'switch', 'thrown', 'spark', 'flew', 'smoke', 'filled', 'man', 'unharmed', 'well', 'course', 'meant', 'free', 'go', 'somehow', 'manages', 'get', 'old', 'job', 'back', 'surprise', 'one', 'crashed', 'yet', 'another', 'train', 'killed', 'three', 'people', 'found', 'sentenced', 'death', 'day', 'execution', 'requested', 'final', 'three', 'banana', 'know', 'said', 'executioner', 'stupid', 'banana', 'walking', 'unharmed', 'giving', 'thing', 'eat', 'strapping', 'well', 'protocol', 'man', 'strapped', 'electric', 'chair', 'without', 'last', 'meal', 'switch', 'pulled', 'spark', 'flew', 'smoke', 'filled', 'man', 'still', 'unharmed', 'executioner', 'speechless', 'man', 'looked', 'executioner', 'said', 'oh', 'banana', 'nothing', 'bad', 'conductor', 'man', 'bulgaria', 'drove', 'train', 'living']",204
"The leader says, ""We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?""  
  
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.  
  
The leader asks her, ""What is 15 plus 15?""  
  
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, ""Eighteen!""  
  
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, ""Give her another chance! Give her another chance!""  
  
The leader says, ""Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.""  
  
So he asks, ""What is 5 plus 5?""  
  
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, ""Ninety?""  
  
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, ""GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!""  
  
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, ""Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?""  
  
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, ""Four?""  
  
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... ""Give her another chance! Give her another chance!""  ",5062bs,29802,"80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a ""Blondes Are Not Stupid"" Convention.","['leader', 'say', 'today', 'prove', 'world', 'blonde', 'stupid', 'volunteer', 'blonde', 'gingerly', 'work', 'way', 'crowd', 'step', 'stage', 'leader', 'asks', 'plus', 'second', 'say', 'eighteen', 'obviously', 'everyone', 'little', 'disappointed', 'blonde', 'start', 'cheering', 'give', 'another', 'chance', 'give', 'another', 'chance', 'leader', 'say', 'well', 'since', 'gone', 'trouble', 'getting', 'one', 'place', 'wide', 'press', 'global', 'broadcast', 'medium', 'gee', 'uh', 'guess', 'give', 'another', 'chance', 'asks', 'plus', 'nearly', 'second', 'eventually', 'say', 'ninety', 'leader', 'quite', 'perplexed', 'look', 'let', 'dejected', 'sigh', 'everyone', 'disheartened', 'blonde', 'start', 'cry', 'girl', 'begin', 'yell', 'wave', 'hand', 'shouting', 'give', 'another', 'chance', 'give', 'another', 'chance', 'leader', 'unsure', 'whether', 'harm', 'good', 'eventually', 'say', 'ok', 'ok', 'one', 'chance', 'plus', 'girl', 'close', 'eye', 'whole', 'minute', 'eventually', 'say', 'four', 'throughout', 'stadium', 'pandemonium', 'break', 'girl', 'jump', 'foot', 'wave', 'arm', 'stomp', 'foot', 'scream', 'give', 'another', 'chance', 'give', 'another', 'chance']","['blonde', 'meet', 'football', 'stadium', 'blonde', 'stupid', 'convention']","['leader', 'say', 'today', 'prove', 'world', 'blonde', 'stupid', 'volunteer', 'blonde', 'gingerly', 'work', 'way', 'crowd', 'step', 'stage', 'leader', 'asks', 'plus', 'second', 'say', 'eighteen', 'obviously', 'everyone', 'little', 'disappointed', 'blonde', 'start', 'cheering', 'give', 'another', 'chance', 'give', 'another', 'chance', 'leader', 'say', 'well', 'since', 'gone', 'trouble', 'getting', 'one', 'place', 'wide', 'press', 'global', 'broadcast', 'medium', 'gee', 'uh', 'guess', 'give', 'another', 'chance', 'asks', 'plus', 'nearly', 'second', 'eventually', 'say', 'ninety', 'leader', 'quite', 'perplexed', 'look', 'let', 'dejected', 'sigh', 'everyone', 'disheartened', 'blonde', 'start', 'cry', 'girl', 'begin', 'yell', 'wave', 'hand', 'shouting', 'give', 'another', 'chance', 'give', 'another', 'chance', 'leader', 'unsure', 'whether', 'harm', 'good', 'eventually', 'say', 'ok', 'ok', 'one', 'chance', 'plus', 'girl', 'close', 'eye', 'whole', 'minute', 'eventually', 'say', 'four', 'throughout', 'stadium', 'pandemonium', 'break', 'girl', 'jump', 'foot', 'wave', 'arm', 'stomp', 'foot', 'scream', 'give', 'another', 'chance', 'give', 'another', 'chance', 'blonde', 'meet', 'football', 'stadium', 'blonde', 'stupid', 'convention']",130
Social security,5sqnqg,29617,'90s kids won't get this,"['social', 'security']","['kid', 'wo', 'get']","['social', 'security', 'kid', 'wo', 'get']",5
[removed],4nr6gd,29290,So I went on r/news today..,['removed'],"['went', 'today']","['removed', 'went', 'today']",3
"""...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!""",4yiv2v,29049,What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?,"['would', 'gotten', 'away', 'medaling', 'kid']","['lochte', 'say', 'teammate', 'told', 'police', 'really', 'happened']","['would', 'gotten', 'away', 'medaling', 'kid', 'lochte', 'say', 'teammate', 'told', 'police', 'really', 'happened']",12
"they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry! 

its a joke folks. just a joke.",5sxr4y,28995,Republicans are the true snowflakes...,"['white', 'cold', 'put', 'enough', 'em', 'together', 'shut', 'public', 'school', 'edit', 'thanks', 'gold', 'popped', 'gold', 'cherry', 'joke', 'folk', 'joke']","['republican', 'true', 'snowflake']","['white', 'cold', 'put', 'enough', 'em', 'together', 'shut', 'public', 'school', 'edit', 'thanks', 'gold', 'popped', 'gold', 'cherry', 'joke', 'folk', 'joke', 'republican', 'true', 'snowflake']",21
I know he means well...,4zlc1h,28782,"My friend keeps saying ""cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water""","['know', 'mean', 'well']","['friend', 'keep', 'saying', 'cheer', 'man', 'could', 'worse', 'could', 'stuck', 'underground', 'hole', 'full', 'water']","['know', 'mean', 'well', 'friend', 'keep', 'saying', 'cheer', 'man', 'could', 'worse', 'could', 'stuck', 'underground', 'hole', 'full', 'water']",16
America.,48sxql,27873,If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?,['america'],"['hillary', 'clinton', 'donald', 'trump', 'boat', 'capsizes', 'survives']","['america', 'hillary', 'clinton', 'donald', 'trump', 'boat', 'capsizes', 'survives']",8
"I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said ""I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.""

I said ""WHAT??!! What was that?!""

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...""You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.""

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ""Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?""

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ""That's fine, honey.""

She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, ""I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier.""

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ""No honey, I don't feel like it.""

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ""WHAT?""

I then said ""Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.""

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ""Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?""

Apparently, no sex tonight either!



Edit: Didn't expect to make front page but glad lots of you got a laugh out of it!

Edit 2: Thank you for the gold! ",5sznk7,27763,No Sex Tonight!,"['never', 'quite', 'figured', 'sexual', 'urge', 'men', 'woman', 'differ', 'much', 'never', 'figured', 'whole', 'venus', 'mar', 'thing', 'men', 'think', 'head', 'woman', 'heart', 'one', 'evening', 'last', 'week', 'wife', 'getting', 'bed', 'well', 'passion', 'started', 'heat', 'said', 'feel', 'like', 'want', 'hold', 'said', 'said', 'word', 'every', 'husband', 'planet', 'dread', 'hear', 'touch', 'emotional', 'need', 'woman', 'enough', 'satisfy', 'physical', 'need', 'man', 'responded', 'puzzled', 'look', 'saying', 'ca', 'love', 'bedroom', 'realizing', 'nothing', 'going', 'happen', 'night', 'went', 'sleep', 'next', 'day', 'opted', 'take', 'day', 'work', 'spend', 'time', 'went', 'nice', 'lunch', 'went', 'shopping', 'big', 'department', 'store', 'walked', 'around', 'tried', 'several', 'expensive', 'outfit', 'could', 'decide', 'one', 'take', 'told', 'buy', 'wanted', 'new', 'shoe', 'compliment', 'new', 'clothes', 'said', 'let', 'get', 'pair', 'outfit', 'went', 'jewellery', 'department', 'picked', 'pair', 'diamond', 'earring', 'let', 'tell', 'excited', 'must', 'thought', 'one', 'wave', 'short', 'tsunami', 'started', 'think', 'testing', 'asked', 'tennis', 'bracelet', 'even', 'know', 'play', 'tennis', 'think', 'threw', 'loop', 'said', 'fine', 'honey', 'appeared', 'almost', 'nearing', 'sexual', 'satisfaction', 'excitement', 'smiling', 'excited', 'anticipation', 'finally', 'said', 'think', 'dear', 'let', 'go', 'cashier', 'could', 'hardly', 'contain', 'blurted', 'honey', 'feel', 'like', 'face', 'went', 'completely', 'blank', 'jaw', 'dropped', 'baffled', 'said', 'honey', 'want', 'hold', 'stuff', 'touch', 'financial', 'mean', 'man', 'enough', 'satisfy', 'shopping', 'need', 'woman', 'look', 'like', 'going', 'kill', 'added', 'ca', 'love', 'thing', 'buy', 'apparently', 'sex', 'tonight', 'either', 'edit', 'expect', 'make', 'front', 'page', 'glad', 'lot', 'got', 'laugh', 'edit', 'thank', 'gold']","['sex', 'tonight']","['never', 'quite', 'figured', 'sexual', 'urge', 'men', 'woman', 'differ', 'much', 'never', 'figured', 'whole', 'venus', 'mar', 'thing', 'men', 'think', 'head', 'woman', 'heart', 'one', 'evening', 'last', 'week', 'wife', 'getting', 'bed', 'well', 'passion', 'started', 'heat', 'said', 'feel', 'like', 'want', 'hold', 'said', 'said', 'word', 'every', 'husband', 'planet', 'dread', 'hear', 'touch', 'emotional', 'need', 'woman', 'enough', 'satisfy', 'physical', 'need', 'man', 'responded', 'puzzled', 'look', 'saying', 'ca', 'love', 'bedroom', 'realizing', 'nothing', 'going', 'happen', 'night', 'went', 'sleep', 'next', 'day', 'opted', 'take', 'day', 'work', 'spend', 'time', 'went', 'nice', 'lunch', 'went', 'shopping', 'big', 'department', 'store', 'walked', 'around', 'tried', 'several', 'expensive', 'outfit', 'could', 'decide', 'one', 'take', 'told', 'buy', 'wanted', 'new', 'shoe', 'compliment', 'new', 'clothes', 'said', 'let', 'get', 'pair', 'outfit', 'went', 'jewellery', 'department', 'picked', 'pair', 'diamond', 'earring', 'let', 'tell', 'excited', 'must', 'thought', 'one', 'wave', 'short', 'tsunami', 'started', 'think', 'testing', 'asked', 'tennis', 'bracelet', 'even', 'know', 'play', 'tennis', 'think', 'threw', 'loop', 'said', 'fine', 'honey', 'appeared', 'almost', 'nearing', 'sexual', 'satisfaction', 'excitement', 'smiling', 'excited', 'anticipation', 'finally', 'said', 'think', 'dear', 'let', 'go', 'cashier', 'could', 'hardly', 'contain', 'blurted', 'honey', 'feel', 'like', 'face', 'went', 'completely', 'blank', 'jaw', 'dropped', 'baffled', 'said', 'honey', 'want', 'hold', 'stuff', 'touch', 'financial', 'mean', 'man', 'enough', 'satisfy', 'shopping', 'need', 'woman', 'look', 'like', 'going', 'kill', 'added', 'ca', 'love', 'thing', 'buy', 'apparently', 'sex', 'tonight', 'either', 'edit', 'expect', 'make', 'front', 'page', 'glad', 'lot', 'got', 'laugh', 'edit', 'thank', 'gold', 'sex', 'tonight']",209
"A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

""Nurse,""' he mumbles from behind the mask, ""are my testicles black?""

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ""I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet.""

He struggles to ask again, ""Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?""

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, ""There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine.""

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, ""Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely: 

Are - my - test - results - back?""",5qur1w,27736,"A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.","['young', 'student', 'nurse', 'appears', 'give', 'partial', 'sponge', 'bath', 'nurse', 'mumble', 'behind', 'mask', 'testicle', 'black', 'embarrassed', 'young', 'nurse', 'reply', 'know', 'sir', 'wash', 'upper', 'body', 'foot', 'struggle', 'ask', 'nurse', 'please', 'check', 'testicle', 'black', 'concerned', 'might', 'elevate', 'blood', 'pressure', 'heart', 'rate', 'worrying', 'testicle', 'overcomes', 'embarrassment', 'pull', 'back', 'cover', 'raise', 'gown', 'hold', 'manhood', 'one', 'hand', 'testicle', 'gently', 'look', 'closely', 'say', 'nothing', 'wrong', 'sir', 'look', 'fine', 'man', 'slowly', 'pull', 'oxygen', 'mask', 'smile', 'say', 'slowly', 'thank', 'much', 'wonderful', 'listen', 'closely', 'test', 'result', 'back']","['male', 'patient', 'lying', 'bed', 'hospital', 'wearing', 'oxygen', 'mask', 'mouth', 'nose']","['young', 'student', 'nurse', 'appears', 'give', 'partial', 'sponge', 'bath', 'nurse', 'mumble', 'behind', 'mask', 'testicle', 'black', 'embarrassed', 'young', 'nurse', 'reply', 'know', 'sir', 'wash', 'upper', 'body', 'foot', 'struggle', 'ask', 'nurse', 'please', 'check', 'testicle', 'black', 'concerned', 'might', 'elevate', 'blood', 'pressure', 'heart', 'rate', 'worrying', 'testicle', 'overcomes', 'embarrassment', 'pull', 'back', 'cover', 'raise', 'gown', 'hold', 'manhood', 'one', 'hand', 'testicle', 'gently', 'look', 'closely', 'say', 'nothing', 'wrong', 'sir', 'look', 'fine', 'man', 'slowly', 'pull', 'oxygen', 'mask', 'smile', 'say', 'slowly', 'thank', 'much', 'wonderful', 'listen', 'closely', 'test', 'result', 'back', 'male', 'patient', 'lying', 'bed', 'hospital', 'wearing', 'oxygen', 'mask', 'mouth', 'nose']",87
"You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills. 
",5s50we,27434,My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...,"['seen', 'face', 'tossed', 'diet', 'pill']","['wife', 'told', 'go', 'get', 'pill', 'help', 'erection']","['seen', 'face', 'tossed', 'diet', 'pill', 'wife', 'told', 'go', 'get', 'pill', 'help', 'erection']",12
" Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ""Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: ""Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."" ""Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?""

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, ""You fuck her again.""",52hnx1,26851,An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.......,"['worried', 'mother', 'go', 'drugstore', 'buy', 'pregnancy', 'kit', 'test', 'result', 'show', 'girl', 'pregnant', 'shouting', 'cursing', 'cry', 'mother', 'say', 'pig', 'want', 'know', 'girl', 'pick', 'phone', 'make', 'call', 'half', 'hour', 'later', 'ferrari', 'stop', 'front', 'house', 'mature', 'distinguished', 'man', 'gray', 'hair', 'impeccably', 'dressed', 'armani', 'suit', 'step', 'ferrari', 'enters', 'house', 'sits', 'living', 'room', 'father', 'mother', 'girl', 'tell', 'good', 'morning', 'daughter', 'informed', 'problem', 'ca', 'marry', 'personal', 'family', 'situation', 'take', 'charge', 'pay', 'cost', 'provide', 'daughter', 'rest', 'life', 'additionally', 'girl', 'born', 'bequeath', 'ferrari', 'beach', 'house', 'two', 'retail', 'store', 'townhouse', 'beachfront', 'villa', 'bank', 'account', 'boy', 'born', 'legacy', 'couple', 'factory', 'bank', 'account', 'twin', 'receive', 'factory', 'however', 'miscarriage', 'suggest', 'point', 'father', 'remained', 'silent', 'place', 'hand', 'firmly', 'man', 'shoulder', 'tell', 'fuck']","['year', 'old', 'italian', 'girl', 'tell', 'mom', 'missed', 'period', 'two', 'month']","['worried', 'mother', 'go', 'drugstore', 'buy', 'pregnancy', 'kit', 'test', 'result', 'show', 'girl', 'pregnant', 'shouting', 'cursing', 'cry', 'mother', 'say', 'pig', 'want', 'know', 'girl', 'pick', 'phone', 'make', 'call', 'half', 'hour', 'later', 'ferrari', 'stop', 'front', 'house', 'mature', 'distinguished', 'man', 'gray', 'hair', 'impeccably', 'dressed', 'armani', 'suit', 'step', 'ferrari', 'enters', 'house', 'sits', 'living', 'room', 'father', 'mother', 'girl', 'tell', 'good', 'morning', 'daughter', 'informed', 'problem', 'ca', 'marry', 'personal', 'family', 'situation', 'take', 'charge', 'pay', 'cost', 'provide', 'daughter', 'rest', 'life', 'additionally', 'girl', 'born', 'bequeath', 'ferrari', 'beach', 'house', 'two', 'retail', 'store', 'townhouse', 'beachfront', 'villa', 'bank', 'account', 'boy', 'born', 'legacy', 'couple', 'factory', 'bank', 'account', 'twin', 'receive', 'factory', 'however', 'miscarriage', 'suggest', 'point', 'father', 'remained', 'silent', 'place', 'hand', 'firmly', 'man', 'shoulder', 'tell', 'fuck', 'year', 'old', 'italian', 'girl', 'tell', 'mom', 'missed', 'period', 'two', 'month']",119
"Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

 He says, ""2, 4, 6, 8, 10"".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. 

He says ""1, 3, 5, 7, 9"".

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, ""Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?""",4elnpl,26721,A new twist on an old joke.,"['scientist', 'recently', 'study', 'effect', 'right', 'side', 'left', 'side', 'brain', 'counting', 'first', 'took', 'left', 'half', 'man', 'brain', 'asked', 'count', 'say', 'put', 'left', 'half', 'back', 'removed', 'right', 'half', 'asking', 'count', 'say', 'finally', 'decided', 'go', 'removed', 'whole', 'brain', 'asked', 'count', 'one', 'time', 'say', 'look', 'great', 'counting', 'ok', 'love', 'number', 'best', 'number', 'one', 'better', 'number', 'grade', 'math', 'teacher', 'let', 'tell', 'best', 'smartest', 'math', 'teacher', 'country', 'time', 'grade', 'math', 'teacher', 'said', 'best', 'counter', 'ever', 'seen', 'best', 'want', 'count', 'let', 'tell', 'count', 'alright', 'problem', 'better', 'ever', 'done', 'ok']","['new', 'twist', 'old', 'joke']","['scientist', 'recently', 'study', 'effect', 'right', 'side', 'left', 'side', 'brain', 'counting', 'first', 'took', 'left', 'half', 'man', 'brain', 'asked', 'count', 'say', 'put', 'left', 'half', 'back', 'removed', 'right', 'half', 'asking', 'count', 'say', 'finally', 'decided', 'go', 'removed', 'whole', 'brain', 'asked', 'count', 'one', 'time', 'say', 'look', 'great', 'counting', 'ok', 'love', 'number', 'best', 'number', 'one', 'better', 'number', 'grade', 'math', 'teacher', 'let', 'tell', 'best', 'smartest', 'math', 'teacher', 'country', 'time', 'grade', 'math', 'teacher', 'said', 'best', 'counter', 'ever', 'seen', 'best', 'want', 'count', 'let', 'tell', 'count', 'alright', 'problem', 'better', 'ever', 'done', 'ok', 'new', 'twist', 'old', 'joke']",86
So we can think about a solution in silence.,4gzfj0,26603,Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?,"['think', 'solution', 'silence']","['woman', 'child', 'evacuated', 'first', 'disaster']","['think', 'solution', 'silence', 'woman', 'child', 'evacuated', 'first', 'disaster']",8
To beat the crowd.,51plu4,26514,Why do riot police like to get to work early?,"['beat', 'crowd']","['riot', 'police', 'like', 'get', 'work', 'early']","['beat', 'crowd', 'riot', 'police', 'like', 'get', 'work', 'early']",8
Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.,4ukfxr,26241,My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile just because she's 22 and I'm 36.,"['completely', 'ruined', 'anniversary']","['girlfriend', 'father', 'called', 'pedophile']","['completely', 'ruined', 'anniversary', 'girlfriend', 'father', 'called', 'pedophile']",7
"A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.

""Barkeep!"", he says, ""A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there."" 

Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amused, goes back to the bar

""Barkeep! I want to order a second round for everyone but him, and this time make it all top shelf"".

Nazi looks again at the Jew, sees him STILL smiling back.

""Is that Jew an idiot or what?""

Bartender responds: ""Oh no my friend, that's the owner.""",5t4u3j,26011,A Nazi goes to a bar...,"['nazi', 'go', 'bar', 'look', 'around', 'see', 'orthodox', 'jew', 'sitting', 'nearby', 'table', 'barkeep', 'say', 'round', 'everyone', 'gentleman', 'right', 'everyone', 'bar', 'receives', 'cocktail', 'look', 'jew', 'notice', 'smiling', 'back', 'nazi', 'amused', 'go', 'back', 'bar', 'barkeep', 'want', 'order', 'second', 'round', 'everyone', 'time', 'make', 'top', 'shelf', 'nazi', 'look', 'jew', 'see', 'still', 'smiling', 'back', 'jew', 'idiot', 'bartender', 'responds', 'oh', 'friend', 'owner']","['nazi', 'go', 'bar']","['nazi', 'go', 'bar', 'look', 'around', 'see', 'orthodox', 'jew', 'sitting', 'nearby', 'table', 'barkeep', 'say', 'round', 'everyone', 'gentleman', 'right', 'everyone', 'bar', 'receives', 'cocktail', 'look', 'jew', 'notice', 'smiling', 'back', 'nazi', 'amused', 'go', 'back', 'bar', 'barkeep', 'want', 'order', 'second', 'round', 'everyone', 'time', 'make', 'top', 'shelf', 'nazi', 'look', 'jew', 'see', 'still', 'smiling', 'back', 'jew', 'idiot', 'bartender', 'responds', 'oh', 'friend', 'owner', 'nazi', 'go', 'bar']",58
"A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, ""Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.""
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, ""Sister, have you seen a soldier?""
The nun replied, ""He went that way.""
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, ""I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria.""
The nun said, ""I understand completely.""
The soldier added, ""I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!""
The nun replied, ""If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either.""",5r86mm,25828,A soldier ran up to a nun,"['soldier', 'ran', 'nun', 'breath', 'asked', 'please', 'may', 'hide', 'skirt', 'explain', 'later', 'nun', 'agreed', 'moment', 'later', 'two', 'military', 'police', 'ran', 'asked', 'sister', 'seen', 'soldier', 'nun', 'replied', 'went', 'way', 'mp', 'ran', 'soldier', 'crawled', 'skirt', 'said', 'ca', 'thank', 'enough', 'sister', 'see', 'want', 'go', 'syria', 'nun', 'said', 'understand', 'completely', 'soldier', 'added', 'hope', 'rude', 'great', 'pair', 'leg', 'nun', 'replied', 'looked', 'little', 'higher', 'would', 'seen', 'great', 'pair', 'want', 'go', 'syria', 'either']","['soldier', 'ran', 'nun']","['soldier', 'ran', 'nun', 'breath', 'asked', 'please', 'may', 'hide', 'skirt', 'explain', 'later', 'nun', 'agreed', 'moment', 'later', 'two', 'military', 'police', 'ran', 'asked', 'sister', 'seen', 'soldier', 'nun', 'replied', 'went', 'way', 'mp', 'ran', 'soldier', 'crawled', 'skirt', 'said', 'ca', 'thank', 'enough', 'sister', 'see', 'want', 'go', 'syria', 'nun', 'said', 'understand', 'completely', 'soldier', 'added', 'hope', 'rude', 'great', 'pair', 'leg', 'nun', 'replied', 'looked', 'little', 'higher', 'would', 'seen', 'great', 'pair', 'want', 'go', 'syria', 'either', 'soldier', 'ran', 'nun']",68
Whoops wrong sub,3ll81d,25824,TIL you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once,"['whoop', 'wrong', 'sub']","['til', 'get', 'dishonorably', 'discharged', 'navy', 'boarding', 'wrong', 'vessel']","['whoop', 'wrong', 'sub', 'til', 'get', 'dishonorably', 'discharged', 'navy', 'boarding', 'wrong', 'vessel']",11
"Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, ""You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!""

His buddy looks at him and says, ""Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep.""",4mo4wl,25587,How bout a blowjob?,"['two', 'married', 'buddy', 'drinking', 'one', 'night', 'one', 'turn', 'say', 'know', 'know', 'else', 'whenever', 'go', 'home', 'drinking', 'turn', 'headlight', 'get', 'driveway', 'shut', 'engine', 'coast', 'garage', 'take', 'shoe', 'go', 'house', 'sneak', 'stair', 'get', 'undressed', 'bathroom', 'ease', 'bed', 'wife', 'still', 'wake', 'yell', 'staying', 'late', 'buddy', 'look', 'say', 'well', 'obviously', 'taking', 'wrong', 'approach', 'screech', 'driveway', 'slam', 'door', 'storm', 'step', 'throw', 'shoe', 'closet', 'jump', 'bed', 'rub', 'hand', 'wife', 'as', 'say', 'blowjob', 'always', 'sound', 'asleep']","['bout', 'blowjob']","['two', 'married', 'buddy', 'drinking', 'one', 'night', 'one', 'turn', 'say', 'know', 'know', 'else', 'whenever', 'go', 'home', 'drinking', 'turn', 'headlight', 'get', 'driveway', 'shut', 'engine', 'coast', 'garage', 'take', 'shoe', 'go', 'house', 'sneak', 'stair', 'get', 'undressed', 'bathroom', 'ease', 'bed', 'wife', 'still', 'wake', 'yell', 'staying', 'late', 'buddy', 'look', 'say', 'well', 'obviously', 'taking', 'wrong', 'approach', 'screech', 'driveway', 'slam', 'door', 'storm', 'step', 'throw', 'shoe', 'closet', 'jump', 'bed', 'rub', 'hand', 'wife', 'as', 'say', 'blowjob', 'always', 'sound', 'asleep', 'bout', 'blowjob']",71
Kinda like yo momma.,5rx2qm,25454,"Every ""yo momma"" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.","['kinda', 'like', 'yo', 'momma']","['every', 'yo', 'momma', 'joke', 'done', 'thousand', 'time', 'thousand', 'different', 'people']","['kinda', 'like', 'yo', 'momma', 'every', 'yo', 'momma', 'joke', 'done', 'thousand', 'time', 'thousand', 'different', 'people']",14
"She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.  

""Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!  The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!""

The pilot responds, ""Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One...""",5sjkgb,25160,A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...,"['decides', 'report', 'pilot', 'immediately', 'sir', 'think', 'case', 'human', 'trafficking', 'female', 'passenger', 'look', 'pretty', 'frightened', 'man', 'look', 'dangerous', 'pilot', 'responds', 'patricia', 'told', 'air', 'force', 'one']","['flight', 'attendant', 'see', 'suspicious', 'couple', 'board']","['decides', 'report', 'pilot', 'immediately', 'sir', 'think', 'case', 'human', 'trafficking', 'female', 'passenger', 'look', 'pretty', 'frightened', 'man', 'look', 'dangerous', 'pilot', 'responds', 'patricia', 'told', 'air', 'force', 'one', 'flight', 'attendant', 'see', 'suspicious', 'couple', 'board']",30
"""This is not working I'm going to my mum's house.""

So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold. 

- What the hell did she mean?",5qn4zn,24815,My girlfriend left a note on the fridge,"['working', 'going', 'mum', 'house', 'opened', 'fridge', 'door', 'light', 'came', 'juice', 'cold', 'hell', 'mean']","['girlfriend', 'left', 'note', 'fridge']","['working', 'going', 'mum', 'house', 'opened', 'fridge', 'door', 'light', 'came', 'juice', 'cold', 'hell', 'mean', 'girlfriend', 'left', 'note', 'fridge']",17
"...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'

The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'
",4jt3s9,24745,"An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...","['sharing', 'compartment', 'train', 'wind', 'way', 'alp', 'every', 'train', 'pass', 'tunnel', 'time', 'compartment', 'plunged', 'complete', 'darkness', 'one', 'occasion', 'ringing', 'slap', 'heard', 'train', 'pass', 'back', 'daylight', 'frenchman', 'rubbing', 'sore', 'red', 'cheek', 'brunette', 'think', 'bet', 'dirty', 'frenchman', 'fondled', 'blonde', 'struck', 'pervert', 'blonde', 'think', 'bet', 'filthy', 'frenchman', 'looking', 'grope', 'dark', 'mistook', 'dowdy', 'brunette', 'slapped', 'beast', 'frenchman', 'think', 'bet', 'perfidious', 'englishman', 'touched', 'blonde', 'dark', 'slapped', 'mistake', 'englishman', 'think', 'ca', 'wait', 'another', 'tunnel', 'slap', 'french', 'twat']","['englishman', 'frenchman', 'ravishing', 'blonde', 'homely', 'brunette']","['sharing', 'compartment', 'train', 'wind', 'way', 'alp', 'every', 'train', 'pass', 'tunnel', 'time', 'compartment', 'plunged', 'complete', 'darkness', 'one', 'occasion', 'ringing', 'slap', 'heard', 'train', 'pass', 'back', 'daylight', 'frenchman', 'rubbing', 'sore', 'red', 'cheek', 'brunette', 'think', 'bet', 'dirty', 'frenchman', 'fondled', 'blonde', 'struck', 'pervert', 'blonde', 'think', 'bet', 'filthy', 'frenchman', 'looking', 'grope', 'dark', 'mistook', 'dowdy', 'brunette', 'slapped', 'beast', 'frenchman', 'think', 'bet', 'perfidious', 'englishman', 'touched', 'blonde', 'dark', 'slapped', 'mistake', 'englishman', 'think', 'ca', 'wait', 'another', 'tunnel', 'slap', 'french', 'twat', 'englishman', 'frenchman', 'ravishing', 'blonde', 'homely', 'brunette']",76
"They got tired of people pretending to be Ash. 








Edit: Wow thank you for the gold mates! Hopefully none of you Jews will try to steal it from me... kidding.

For those of you who were offended... please try to take it easy. It's a joke. You should find humor in everything. Life's more fun that way. ",4st4cc,24686,Did you hear that Auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go?,"['got', 'tired', 'people', 'pretending', 'ash', 'edit', 'wow', 'thank', 'gold', 'mate', 'hopefully', 'none', 'jew', 'try', 'steal', 'kidding', 'offended', 'please', 'try', 'take', 'easy', 'joke', 'find', 'humor', 'everything', 'life', 'fun', 'way']","['hear', 'auschwitz', 'ask', 'visitor', 'stop', 'playing', 'pokemon', 'go']","['got', 'tired', 'people', 'pretending', 'ash', 'edit', 'wow', 'thank', 'gold', 'mate', 'hopefully', 'none', 'jew', 'try', 'steal', 'kidding', 'offended', 'please', 'try', 'take', 'easy', 'joke', 'find', 'humor', 'everything', 'life', 'fun', 'way', 'hear', 'auschwitz', 'ask', 'visitor', 'stop', 'playing', 'pokemon', 'go']",36
Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins',5q6xuu,24610,I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..,"['apparently', 'correct', 'term', 'twin']","['pissed', 'two', 'men', 'today', 'referred', 'hipster']","['apparently', 'correct', 'term', 'twin', 'pissed', 'two', 'men', 'today', 'referred', 'hipster']",10
"An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
""Bartender!"" he says, nodding at the Jew, ""A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!""
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.com/story/detail/13350/14-epic-jokes-by-chandler-bing-from-friends-that-will-make-hole-in-your-belly) looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.
""Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!""
He looks directly at the Jew and adds, ""Everyone except the Jew.""
The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says, ""Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?""
""Oh no, sir, he's the owner.""",4wk06e,24521,An anti-semite goes to a bar,"['drinking', 'bar', 'notice', 'jew', 'sitting', 'table', 'nearby', 'like', 'bartender', 'say', 'nodding', 'jew', 'round', 'good', 'stuff', 'everyone', 'except', 'everyone', 'happily', 'receives', 'glass', 'premium', 'scotch', 'http', 'look', 'jew', 'smug', 'grin', 'jew', 'smile', 'back', 'loses', 'satisfied', 'expression', 'bartender', 'give', 'everyone', 'drink', 'finest', 'plus', 'appetizer', 'look', 'directly', 'jew', 'add', 'everyone', 'except', 'jew', 'jewish', 'man', 'look', 'smile', 'furious', 'say', 'jew', 'stupid', 'pretending', 'oh', 'sir', 'owner']","['go', 'bar']","['drinking', 'bar', 'notice', 'jew', 'sitting', 'table', 'nearby', 'like', 'bartender', 'say', 'nodding', 'jew', 'round', 'good', 'stuff', 'everyone', 'except', 'everyone', 'happily', 'receives', 'glass', 'premium', 'scotch', 'http', 'look', 'jew', 'smug', 'grin', 'jew', 'smile', 'back', 'loses', 'satisfied', 'expression', 'bartender', 'give', 'everyone', 'drink', 'finest', 'plus', 'appetizer', 'look', 'directly', 'jew', 'add', 'everyone', 'except', 'jew', 'jewish', 'man', 'look', 'smile', 'furious', 'say', 'jew', 'stupid', 'pretending', 'oh', 'sir', 'owner', 'go', 'bar']",62
"Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.",5smhxt,24226,These Bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon,"['respect', 'least', 'wait', 'take', 'place']","['bowling', 'green', 'massacre', 'joke', 'soon']","['respect', 'least', 'wait', 'take', 'place', 'bowling', 'green', 'massacre', 'joke', 'soon']",10
"""Jump in, I'll give you a lift home"" I said.
""Fuck off"" he shouted back.
""What an ungrateful little cunt"" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.",4fbjvk,24065,I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop,"['jump', 'give', 'lift', 'home', 'said', 'fuck', 'shouted', 'back', 'ungrateful', 'little', 'cunt', 'thought', 'zipped', 'backpack', 'continued', 'walk']","['saw', 'dwarf', 'neighbor', 'bus', 'stop']","['jump', 'give', 'lift', 'home', 'said', 'fuck', 'shouted', 'back', 'ungrateful', 'little', 'cunt', 'thought', 'zipped', 'backpack', 'continued', 'walk', 'saw', 'dwarf', 'neighbor', 'bus', 'stop']",21
"Father : ""That's great son. Who is she?""

Son: ""It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter"".

Father : ""Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you
must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister.""

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son : ""Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!""

Father : ""That's great son. Who is she?""

Son: ""It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter.""

Father : ""Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister.""

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother
crying.

Son : ""Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!""

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

""My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your
Father.""!!!
",5tghsf,23968,"Son : ""Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!""","['father', 'great', 'son', 'son', 'tina', 'neighbor', 'daughter', 'father', 'ohhh', 'wish', 'said', 'tell', 'u', 'something', 'son', 'must', 'promise', 'tell', 'actually', 'sister', 'boy', 'naturally', 'bummed', 'couple', 'month', 'later', 'son', 'daddy', 'fell', 'love', 'even', 'hotter', 'father', 'great', 'son', 'son', 'peny', 'neighbor', 'daughter', 'father', 'ohhhh', 'wish', 'said', 'peny', 'also', 'sister', 'went', 'couple', 'time', 'son', 'mad', 'went', 'straight', 'mother', 'cry', 'son', 'mum', 'mad', 'dad', 'fell', 'love', 'six', 'girl', 'ca', 'date', 'daddy', 'father', 'mother', 'hug', 'affectionately', 'say', 'love', 'date', 'whoever', 'want', 'listen']","['son', 'daddy', 'fell', 'love', 'want', 'date', 'awesome', 'girl']","['father', 'great', 'son', 'son', 'tina', 'neighbor', 'daughter', 'father', 'ohhh', 'wish', 'said', 'tell', 'u', 'something', 'son', 'must', 'promise', 'tell', 'actually', 'sister', 'boy', 'naturally', 'bummed', 'couple', 'month', 'later', 'son', 'daddy', 'fell', 'love', 'even', 'hotter', 'father', 'great', 'son', 'son', 'peny', 'neighbor', 'daughter', 'father', 'ohhhh', 'wish', 'said', 'peny', 'also', 'sister', 'went', 'couple', 'time', 'son', 'mad', 'went', 'straight', 'mother', 'cry', 'son', 'mum', 'mad', 'dad', 'fell', 'love', 'six', 'girl', 'ca', 'date', 'daddy', 'father', 'mother', 'hug', 'affectionately', 'say', 'love', 'date', 'whoever', 'want', 'listen', 'son', 'daddy', 'fell', 'love', 'want', 'date', 'awesome', 'girl']",84
C,3rw2du,23943,Open letter to the mods of /r/jokes,['c'],"['open', 'letter', 'mod']","['c', 'open', 'letter', 'mod']",4
"Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

Edit: Did not expect this joke to get this good of a reception. Thanks, guys!",4vqjp2,23922,What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?,"['orange', 'thick', 'skin', 'let', 'downvotes', 'fly', 'people', 'got', 'one', 'edit', 'expect', 'joke', 'get', 'good', 'reception', 'thanks', 'guy']","['difference', 'donald', 'piece', 'fruit']","['orange', 'thick', 'skin', 'let', 'downvotes', 'fly', 'people', 'got', 'one', 'edit', 'expect', 'joke', 'get', 'good', 'reception', 'thanks', 'guy', 'difference', 'donald', 'piece', 'fruit']",21
"But when I do, he laughs
",4zck28,23481,I don't always tell dad jokes,['laugh'],"['always', 'tell', 'dad', 'joke']","['laugh', 'always', 'tell', 'dad', 'joke']",5
"Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.",4pqu2j,23363,The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.,"['britain', 'lead', 'america', 'trump', 'card']","['united', 'state', 'britain', 'competition', 'fuck']","['britain', 'lead', 'america', 'trump', 'card', 'united', 'state', 'britain', 'competition', 'fuck']",10
A bad joke timing,4o9g4b,23199,What's the difference between a good joke and,"['bad', 'joke', 'timing']","['difference', 'good', 'joke']","['bad', 'joke', 'timing', 'difference', 'good', 'joke']",6
"She said ""Yes!"". I said ""Good, because I'm breaking up with you.""

Edit: Front page! Hi mom.

Thanks for the gold you amazing stranger, you.",4hmfy8,23090,I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.,"['said', 'yes', 'said', 'good', 'breaking', 'edit', 'front', 'page', 'hi', 'mom', 'thanks', 'gold', 'amazing', 'stranger']","['asked', 'girlfriend', 'like', 'day', 'eating', 'ice', 'cream', 'hanging', 'girl', 'friend']","['said', 'yes', 'said', 'good', 'breaking', 'edit', 'front', 'page', 'hi', 'mom', 'thanks', 'gold', 'amazing', 'stranger', 'asked', 'girlfriend', 'like', 'day', 'eating', 'ice', 'cream', 'hanging', 'girl', 'friend']",24
"""Please Get Out The Pool""",4w1wce,23005,How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?,"['please', 'get', 'pool']","['get', 'drunk', 'canadian', 'pool']","['please', 'get', 'pool', 'get', 'drunk', 'canadian', 'pool']",7
"...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.

""Dude, what if we had sex?"" asks Steve.

""You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it...""

""Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!""

Steve stands up and asks loudly:

""Could I have a pencil, please?""

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.

""They really wouldn't care then, would they?"" says Bill.

So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

""Sir, you should've asked for a bag!""

""I didn't dare"" whispers the old man. ""A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass...""",3j35xh,22902,Two gay men are travelling...,"['plane', 'let', 'call', 'steve', 'bill', 'dude', 'sex', 'asks', 'steve', 'crazy', 'plane', 'would', 'awkward', 'everyone', 'would', 'watch', 'u', 'man', 'nobody', 'even', 'paying', 'attention', 'anything', 'look', 'steve', 'stand', 'asks', 'loudly', 'could', 'pencil', 'please', 'nobody', 'give', 'damn', 'everyone', 'sleeping', 'reading', 'looking', 'window', 'etc', 'really', 'would', 'care', 'would', 'say', 'bill', 'steve', 'bill', 'wild', 'sex', 'plane', 'later', 'plane', 'arrives', 'airport', 'people', 'leaving', 'stewardess', 'see', 'old', 'man', 'threw', 'shirt', 'even', 'pant', 'soaking', 'filth', 'sir', 'asked', 'bag', 'dare', 'whisper', 'old', 'man', 'row', 'ahead', 'saw', 'man', 'asking', 'pencil', 'got', 'fucked', 'as']","['two', 'gay', 'men', 'travelling']","['plane', 'let', 'call', 'steve', 'bill', 'dude', 'sex', 'asks', 'steve', 'crazy', 'plane', 'would', 'awkward', 'everyone', 'would', 'watch', 'u', 'man', 'nobody', 'even', 'paying', 'attention', 'anything', 'look', 'steve', 'stand', 'asks', 'loudly', 'could', 'pencil', 'please', 'nobody', 'give', 'damn', 'everyone', 'sleeping', 'reading', 'looking', 'window', 'etc', 'really', 'would', 'care', 'would', 'say', 'bill', 'steve', 'bill', 'wild', 'sex', 'plane', 'later', 'plane', 'arrives', 'airport', 'people', 'leaving', 'stewardess', 'see', 'old', 'man', 'threw', 'shirt', 'even', 'pant', 'soaking', 'filth', 'sir', 'asked', 'bag', 'dare', 'whisper', 'old', 'man', 'row', 'ahead', 'saw', 'man', 'asking', 'pencil', 'got', 'fucked', 'as', 'two', 'gay', 'men', 'travelling']",87
"A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, ""What's going on?""

""Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations.""

""How much is everyone giving, on an average?"" the driver asks.

The man replies, ""Roughly a gallon.""",3eft1l,22681,Congress gets kidnapped,"['driver', 'stuck', 'traffic', 'jam', 'highway', 'outside', 'washington', 'dc', 'nothing', 'moving', 'suddenly', 'man', 'knock', 'window', 'driver', 'roll', 'window', 'asks', 'going', 'terrorist', 'kidnapped', 'entire', 'u', 'congress', 'asking', 'million', 'dollar', 'ransom', 'otherwise', 'going', 'douse', 'gasoline', 'set', 'fire', 'going', 'car', 'car', 'collecting', 'donation', 'much', 'everyone', 'giving', 'average', 'driver', 'asks', 'man', 'reply', 'roughly', 'gallon']","['congress', 'get', 'kidnapped']","['driver', 'stuck', 'traffic', 'jam', 'highway', 'outside', 'washington', 'dc', 'nothing', 'moving', 'suddenly', 'man', 'knock', 'window', 'driver', 'roll', 'window', 'asks', 'going', 'terrorist', 'kidnapped', 'entire', 'u', 'congress', 'asking', 'million', 'dollar', 'ransom', 'otherwise', 'going', 'douse', 'gasoline', 'set', 'fire', 'going', 'car', 'car', 'collecting', 'donation', 'much', 'everyone', 'giving', 'average', 'driver', 'asks', 'man', 'reply', 'roughly', 'gallon', 'congress', 'get', 'kidnapped']",52
"Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, ""What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?""

The two guys reply, ""Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.""

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats.
The devil asks them again, ""It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?""

Again, the guys reply, ""Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know.""

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. ""Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.""

The two Michiganders reply, ""Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.""

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering.
The devil was dumbfounded. ""I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?""

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. ""Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!""
",4ub66q,22585,Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.,"['two', 'guy', 'michigan', 'die', 'wake', 'hell', 'next', 'day', 'devil', 'stop', 'check', 'see', 'dressed', 'parka', 'mitten', 'bomber', 'hat', 'warming', 'around', 'fire', 'devil', 'asks', 'hot', 'enough', 'two', 'guy', 'reply', 'well', 'know', 'michigan', 'land', 'ice', 'snow', 'cold', 'happy', 'chance', 'warm', 'bit', 'know', 'devil', 'decides', 'two', 'miserable', 'enough', 'turn', 'heat', 'next', 'morning', 'stop', 'still', 'dressed', 'parka', 'mitten', 'hat', 'devil', 'asks', 'awfully', 'hot', 'ca', 'guy', 'feel', 'guy', 'reply', 'well', 'like', 'told', 'yesterday', 'michigan', 'land', 'ice', 'snow', 'cold', 'happy', 'warm', 'little', 'bit', 'know', 'devil', 'get', 'little', 'steamed', 'decides', 'fix', 'two', 'guy', 'crank', 'heat', 'high', 'go', 'people', 'wailing', 'screaming', 'everywhere', 'stop', 'room', 'two', 'guy', 'michigan', 'find', 'light', 'jacket', 'hat', 'grilling', 'sausage', 'drinking', 'beer', 'devil', 'astonished', 'everyone', 'abject', 'misery', 'seem', 'enjoying', 'two', 'michigander', 'reply', 'well', 'ya', 'know', 'get', 'much', 'warm', 'weather', 'michigan', 'got', 'cookout', 'weather', 'nice', 'devil', 'absolutely', 'furious', 'hardly', 'see', 'straight', 'finally', 'come', 'answer', 'two', 'love', 'heat', 'cold', 'life', 'decides', 'turn', 'heat', 'hell', 'next', 'morning', 'temperature', 'zero', 'icicle', 'hanging', 'everywhere', 'people', 'shivering', 'bad', 'unable', 'wail', 'moan', 'gnash', 'teeth', 'devil', 'smile', 'head', 'room', 'michigander', 'find', 'back', 'parka', 'mitten', 'hat', 'jumping', 'cheering', 'devil', 'dumbfounded', 'understand', 'turn', 'heat', 'happy', 'freezing', 'cold', 'happy', 'wrong', 'two', 'michigander', 'look', 'devil', 'surprise', 'well', 'ya', 'know', 'hell', 'froze', 'must', 'mean', 'lion', 'super', 'bowl']","['two', 'guy', 'michigan', 'die', 'wake', 'hell']","['two', 'guy', 'michigan', 'die', 'wake', 'hell', 'next', 'day', 'devil', 'stop', 'check', 'see', 'dressed', 'parka', 'mitten', 'bomber', 'hat', 'warming', 'around', 'fire', 'devil', 'asks', 'hot', 'enough', 'two', 'guy', 'reply', 'well', 'know', 'michigan', 'land', 'ice', 'snow', 'cold', 'happy', 'chance', 'warm', 'bit', 'know', 'devil', 'decides', 'two', 'miserable', 'enough', 'turn', 'heat', 'next', 'morning', 'stop', 'still', 'dressed', 'parka', 'mitten', 'hat', 'devil', 'asks', 'awfully', 'hot', 'ca', 'guy', 'feel', 'guy', 'reply', 'well', 'like', 'told', 'yesterday', 'michigan', 'land', 'ice', 'snow', 'cold', 'happy', 'warm', 'little', 'bit', 'know', 'devil', 'get', 'little', 'steamed', 'decides', 'fix', 'two', 'guy', 'crank', 'heat', 'high', 'go', 'people', 'wailing', 'screaming', 'everywhere', 'stop', 'room', 'two', 'guy', 'michigan', 'find', 'light', 'jacket', 'hat', 'grilling', 'sausage', 'drinking', 'beer', 'devil', 'astonished', 'everyone', 'abject', 'misery', 'seem', 'enjoying', 'two', 'michigander', 'reply', 'well', 'ya', 'know', 'get', 'much', 'warm', 'weather', 'michigan', 'got', 'cookout', 'weather', 'nice', 'devil', 'absolutely', 'furious', 'hardly', 'see', 'straight', 'finally', 'come', 'answer', 'two', 'love', 'heat', 'cold', 'life', 'decides', 'turn', 'heat', 'hell', 'next', 'morning', 'temperature', 'zero', 'icicle', 'hanging', 'everywhere', 'people', 'shivering', 'bad', 'unable', 'wail', 'moan', 'gnash', 'teeth', 'devil', 'smile', 'head', 'room', 'michigander', 'find', 'back', 'parka', 'mitten', 'hat', 'jumping', 'cheering', 'devil', 'dumbfounded', 'understand', 'turn', 'heat', 'happy', 'freezing', 'cold', 'happy', 'wrong', 'two', 'michigander', 'look', 'devil', 'surprise', 'well', 'ya', 'know', 'hell', 'froze', 'must', 'mean', 'lion', 'super', 'bowl', 'two', 'guy', 'michigan', 'die', 'wake', 'hell']",204
"""Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up"".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,

""What do you do for a living?""

I’m a hit man,"" was the reply.

""You're joking!” was the response.

""No, I'm not,"" he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. ""Here are my tools.""

That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, ""Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here"".

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

""Yeah, I can see my house all right. ""This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom"".

""Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!""

He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?""

""I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.""

""Can you do two for me now?""

“Sure, what do you want?”

""First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.""

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you gonna do it or not?"" asked the friend impatiently.

""Just be patient,"" said the hit man calmly . . . . . 
""I think I can save ya a grand here.""


EDIT: Thank you kind stranger for the gold. It's my first and I really appreciate it!",4q9qjz,22564,Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.,"['mind', 'join', 'partner', 'turn', 'sure', 'said', 'welcome', 'started', 'playing', 'enjoyed', 'game', 'company', 'newcomer', 'part', 'way', 'around', 'course', 'one', 'friend', 'asked', 'newcomer', 'living', 'hit', 'man', 'reply', 'joking', 'response', 'said', 'reaching', 'golf', 'bag', 'pulling', 'beautiful', 'martini', 'sniper', 'rifle', 'large', 'telescopic', 'sight', 'tool', 'beautiful', 'telescopic', 'sight', 'said', 'friend', 'take', 'look', 'think', 'might', 'able', 'see', 'house', 'picked', 'rifle', 'looked', 'sight', 'direction', 'house', 'yeah', 'see', 'house', 'right', 'sight', 'fantastic', 'see', 'right', 'window', 'wow', 'see', 'wife', 'bedroom', 'ha', 'ha', 'see', 'naked', 'wait', 'minute', 'neighbor', 'naked', 'bitch', 'turned', 'hit', 'man', 'much', 'charge', 'hit', 'flat', 'rate', 'one', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'every', 'time', 'pull', 'trigger', 'two', 'sure', 'want', 'first', 'shoot', 'wife', 'always', 'mouthy', 'shoot', 'mouth', 'neighbor', 'supposed', 'friend', 'mine', 'shoot', 'dick', 'teach', 'lesson', 'hit', 'man', 'took', 'rifle', 'took', 'aim', 'standing', 'perfectly', 'still', 'minute', 'gon', 'na', 'asked', 'friend', 'impatiently', 'patient', 'said', 'hit', 'man', 'calmly', 'think', 'save', 'ya', 'grand', 'edit', 'thank', 'kind', 'stranger', 'gold', 'first', 'really', 'appreciate']","['two', 'old', 'friend', 'tee', 'first', 'hole', 'local', 'golf', 'course', 'guy', 'carrying', 'golf', 'bag', 'called']","['mind', 'join', 'partner', 'turn', 'sure', 'said', 'welcome', 'started', 'playing', 'enjoyed', 'game', 'company', 'newcomer', 'part', 'way', 'around', 'course', 'one', 'friend', 'asked', 'newcomer', 'living', 'hit', 'man', 'reply', 'joking', 'response', 'said', 'reaching', 'golf', 'bag', 'pulling', 'beautiful', 'martini', 'sniper', 'rifle', 'large', 'telescopic', 'sight', 'tool', 'beautiful', 'telescopic', 'sight', 'said', 'friend', 'take', 'look', 'think', 'might', 'able', 'see', 'house', 'picked', 'rifle', 'looked', 'sight', 'direction', 'house', 'yeah', 'see', 'house', 'right', 'sight', 'fantastic', 'see', 'right', 'window', 'wow', 'see', 'wife', 'bedroom', 'ha', 'ha', 'see', 'naked', 'wait', 'minute', 'neighbor', 'naked', 'bitch', 'turned', 'hit', 'man', 'much', 'charge', 'hit', 'flat', 'rate', 'one', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'every', 'time', 'pull', 'trigger', 'two', 'sure', 'want', 'first', 'shoot', 'wife', 'always', 'mouthy', 'shoot', 'mouth', 'neighbor', 'supposed', 'friend', 'mine', 'shoot', 'dick', 'teach', 'lesson', 'hit', 'man', 'took', 'rifle', 'took', 'aim', 'standing', 'perfectly', 'still', 'minute', 'gon', 'na', 'asked', 'friend', 'impatiently', 'patient', 'said', 'hit', 'man', 'calmly', 'think', 'save', 'ya', 'grand', 'edit', 'thank', 'kind', 'stranger', 'gold', 'first', 'really', 'appreciate', 'two', 'old', 'friend', 'tee', 'first', 'hole', 'local', 'golf', 'course', 'guy', 'carrying', 'golf', 'bag', 'called']",159
Probably because Mexico has more aliens,5tk1na,22322,"Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion","['probably', 'mexico', 'alien']","['trump', 'wall', 'cost', 'billion', 'nasa', 'budget', 'billion']","['probably', 'mexico', 'alien', 'trump', 'wall', 'cost', 'billion', 'nasa', 'budget', 'billion']",10
"Man, I hate babies.

EDIT: Paraphrased from an old Doug Stanhope joke. [Check him out](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaFZrxlPwWs), he's a great comic. One of the greatest.",51xayk,22248,"4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!","['man', 'hate', 'baby', 'edit', 'paraphrased', 'old', 'doug', 'stanhope', 'joke', 'check', 'http', 'great', 'comic', 'one', 'greatest']","['million', 'people', 'enter', 'country', 'every', 'year', 'uneducated', 'unskilled', 'contribute', 'nothing', 'burden', 'honest', 'hardworking', 'american', 'government', 'nothing', 'stop', 'mention', 'dirty', 'smell', 'bad', 'even', 'speak', 'english']","['man', 'hate', 'baby', 'edit', 'paraphrased', 'old', 'doug', 'stanhope', 'joke', 'check', 'http', 'great', 'comic', 'one', 'greatest', 'million', 'people', 'enter', 'country', 'every', 'year', 'uneducated', 'unskilled', 'contribute', 'nothing', 'burden', 'honest', 'hardworking', 'american', 'government', 'nothing', 'stop', 'mention', 'dirty', 'smell', 'bad', 'even', 'speak', 'english']",39
There used to be two and now it's too offensive to talk about.,50dxt6,22192,What do the twin towers and genders have in common?,"['used', 'two', 'offensive', 'talk']","['twin', 'tower', 'gender', 'common']","['used', 'two', 'offensive', 'talk', 'twin', 'tower', 'gender', 'common']",8
"The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

""Well,"" he said, ""I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's ""the"" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.""

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, ""You never told me that you were such a religious person."" 

He leans over to her and whispers, ""You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.""",52qbz9,22113,A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms,"['pharmacist', 'say', 'condom', 'come', 'pack', 'asks', 'young', 'man', 'want', 'well', 'said', 'seeing', 'girl', 'really', 'hot', 'want', 'condom', 'think', 'tonight', 'night', 'dinner', 'parent', 'going', 'got', 'feeling', 'gon', 'na', 'get', 'lucky', 'want', 'time', 'better', 'give', 'pack', 'young', 'man', 'make', 'purchase', 'leaf', 'later', 'evening', 'sits', 'dinner', 'girlfriend', 'parent', 'asks', 'might', 'give', 'blessing', 'agree', 'begin', 'prayer', 'continues', 'praying', 'several', 'minute', 'girl', 'lean', 'say', 'never', 'told', 'religious', 'person', 'lean', 'whisper', 'never', 'told', 'father', 'pharmacist']","['young', 'man', 'go', 'drugstore', 'buy', 'condom']","['pharmacist', 'say', 'condom', 'come', 'pack', 'asks', 'young', 'man', 'want', 'well', 'said', 'seeing', 'girl', 'really', 'hot', 'want', 'condom', 'think', 'tonight', 'night', 'dinner', 'parent', 'going', 'got', 'feeling', 'gon', 'na', 'get', 'lucky', 'want', 'time', 'better', 'give', 'pack', 'young', 'man', 'make', 'purchase', 'leaf', 'later', 'evening', 'sits', 'dinner', 'girlfriend', 'parent', 'asks', 'might', 'give', 'blessing', 'agree', 'begin', 'prayer', 'continues', 'praying', 'several', 'minute', 'girl', 'lean', 'say', 'never', 'told', 'religious', 'person', 'lean', 'whisper', 'never', 'told', 'father', 'pharmacist', 'young', 'man', 'go', 'drugstore', 'buy', 'condom']",75
"""Don't worry about that,"" says St. Peter, ""it's only someone having the 
holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."" 

The old lady looks a 
little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams ""Oh my God,"" 
says the old lady, ""now what is happening?"" 

""Not to worry,"" says St. Peter, ""She's just having her head drilled 
to fit the halo."" 

""I can't do this,"" says the old lady, ""I'm going to hell."" 

""You can't go there,"" says St. Peter. ""You'll be raped and sodomized."" 

""Maybe so,"" says the old lady, ""but I've already got the holes for that.",4p2mjn,22000,An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.,"['worry', 'say', 'peter', 'someone', 'hole', 'put', 'shoulder', 'blade', 'wing', 'old', 'lady', 'look', 'little', 'uncomfortable', 'carry', 'conversation', 'ten', 'minute', 'later', 'blood', 'curdling', 'scream', 'oh', 'god', 'say', 'old', 'lady', 'happening', 'worry', 'say', 'peter', 'head', 'drilled', 'fit', 'halo', 'ca', 'say', 'old', 'lady', 'going', 'hell', 'ca', 'go', 'say', 'peter', 'raped', 'sodomized', 'maybe', 'say', 'old', 'lady', 'already', 'got', 'hole']","['old', 'lady', 'dy', 'go', 'heaven', 'chatting', 'pearly', 'gate', 'sudden', 'hears', 'awful', 'bloodcurdling', 'scream']","['worry', 'say', 'peter', 'someone', 'hole', 'put', 'shoulder', 'blade', 'wing', 'old', 'lady', 'look', 'little', 'uncomfortable', 'carry', 'conversation', 'ten', 'minute', 'later', 'blood', 'curdling', 'scream', 'oh', 'god', 'say', 'old', 'lady', 'happening', 'worry', 'say', 'peter', 'head', 'drilled', 'fit', 'halo', 'ca', 'say', 'old', 'lady', 'going', 'hell', 'ca', 'go', 'say', 'peter', 'raped', 'sodomized', 'maybe', 'say', 'old', 'lady', 'already', 'got', 'hole', 'old', 'lady', 'dy', 'go', 'heaven', 'chatting', 'pearly', 'gate', 'sudden', 'hears', 'awful', 'bloodcurdling', 'scream']",67
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4,3sodvg,21928,My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games,"['ridiculous', 'thing', 'fallout']","['girlfriend', 'dumped', 'talking', 'much', 'video', 'game']","['ridiculous', 'thing', 'fallout', 'girlfriend', 'dumped', 'talking', 'much', 'video', 'game']",9
"The first orders a beer...
The second orders half a beer...
The third orders one quarter of a beer...
The fourth orders one eighth of a beer...

The bartender pours two beers for the entire group, and replies ""cmon guys, know your limits.""",4zybwe,21844,An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...,"['first', 'order', 'beer', 'second', 'order', 'half', 'beer', 'third', 'order', 'one', 'quarter', 'beer', 'fourth', 'order', 'one', 'eighth', 'beer', 'bartender', 'pours', 'two', 'beer', 'entire', 'group', 'reply', 'cmon', 'guy', 'know', 'limit']","['infinite', 'number', 'mathematician', 'walk', 'bar']","['first', 'order', 'beer', 'second', 'order', 'half', 'beer', 'third', 'order', 'one', 'quarter', 'beer', 'fourth', 'order', 'one', 'eighth', 'beer', 'bartender', 'pours', 'two', 'beer', 'entire', 'group', 'reply', 'cmon', 'guy', 'know', 'limit', 'infinite', 'number', 'mathematician', 'walk', 'bar']",33
"Dear Sir/Ma'am

We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

1. Illegal Downloading
",48m1su,21498,What is a pirate's least favorite letter?,"['dear', 'cutting', 'internet', 'connection', 'due', 'following', 'reason', 'illegal', 'downloading']","['pirate', 'least', 'favorite', 'letter']","['dear', 'cutting', 'internet', 'connection', 'due', 'following', 'reason', 'illegal', 'downloading', 'pirate', 'least', 'favorite', 'letter']",13
"""Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.""",4yp0ex,21482,"""Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital...""","['peter', 'doctor', 'year', 'please', 'stop', 'starting', 'every', 'phone', 'conversation']","['mom', 'freak', 'hospital']","['peter', 'doctor', 'year', 'please', 'stop', 'starting', 'every', 'phone', 'conversation', 'mom', 'freak', 'hospital']",12
"The man answers: ""Wow, how did you know?""

Cashier: ""Because you're ugly.""",4hj06f,21409,"A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: ""You must be single.""","['man', 'answer', 'wow', 'know', 'cashier', 'ugly']","['man', 'buying', 'banana', 'apple', 'two', 'egg', 'female', 'cashier', 'say', 'must', 'single']","['man', 'answer', 'wow', 'know', 'cashier', 'ugly', 'man', 'buying', 'banana', 'apple', 'two', 'egg', 'female', 'cashier', 'say', 'must', 'single']",17
"So I took off her shirt.  
Then she said, ""Take off my skirt.""  
I took off her skirt.  
""Take off my shoes."" I took off her shoes.  
""Now take off my bra and panties.""  
and so I took them off.  

Then she looked at me and said, ""I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again.""",4ifqig,21333,My sister asked me to take off her clothes,"['took', 'shirt', 'said', 'take', 'skirt', 'took', 'skirt', 'take', 'shoe', 'took', 'shoe', 'take', 'bra', 'panty', 'took', 'looked', 'said', 'want', 'catch', 'wearing', 'thing', 'ever']","['sister', 'asked', 'take', 'clothes']","['took', 'shirt', 'said', 'take', 'skirt', 'took', 'skirt', 'take', 'shoe', 'took', 'shoe', 'take', 'bra', 'panty', 'took', 'looked', 'said', 'want', 'catch', 'wearing', 'thing', 'ever', 'sister', 'asked', 'take', 'clothes']",26
"A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: ""What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?""

HUSBAND: ""Definitely not!""

WIFE: ""Why not? Don't you like being married?""

HUSBAND: ""Of course I do..""

WIFE: ""Then why wouldn't you remarry? ""

HUSBAND: ""Okay, okay, I'd get married again.""

WIFE: ""You would?"" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: ""Would you live in our house?""

HUSBAND: ""Sure, it's a great house.""

WIFE: ""Would you sleep with her in our bed?""

HUSBAND: ""Where else would we sleep?""

WIFE: ""Would you let her drive my car?""

HUSBAND: ""Probably, it is almost new.""

WIFE: ""Would you replace my pictures with hers?""

HUSBAND: ""That would seem like the proper thing to do.""

WIFE: ""Would you give her my jewellery?""

HUSBAND: ""No, I'm sure she'd want her own.""

WIFE: ""Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: ""Yes, those are always good times.""

WIFE: ""Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: ""No, she's left-handed.""

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: ""Shit.""
",5s74fh,21263,Would you remarry if I die?,"['husband', 'wife', 'sitting', 'quietly', 'bed', 'reading', 'wife', 'look', 'asks', 'question', 'wife', 'would', 'died', 'would', 'get', 'married', 'husband', 'definitely', 'wife', 'like', 'married', 'husband', 'course', 'wife', 'would', 'remarry', 'husband', 'okay', 'okay', 'get', 'married', 'wife', 'would', 'hurt', 'look', 'husband', 'make', 'audible', 'groan', 'wife', 'would', 'live', 'house', 'husband', 'sure', 'great', 'house', 'wife', 'would', 'sleep', 'bed', 'husband', 'else', 'would', 'sleep', 'wife', 'would', 'let', 'drive', 'car', 'husband', 'probably', 'almost', 'new', 'wife', 'would', 'replace', 'picture', 'husband', 'would', 'seem', 'like', 'proper', 'thing', 'wife', 'would', 'give', 'jewellery', 'husband', 'sure', 'want', 'wife', 'would', 'take', 'golfing', 'husband', 'yes', 'always', 'good', 'time', 'wife', 'would', 'use', 'club', 'husband', 'wife', 'silence', 'husband', 'shit']","['would', 'remarry', 'die']","['husband', 'wife', 'sitting', 'quietly', 'bed', 'reading', 'wife', 'look', 'asks', 'question', 'wife', 'would', 'died', 'would', 'get', 'married', 'husband', 'definitely', 'wife', 'like', 'married', 'husband', 'course', 'wife', 'would', 'remarry', 'husband', 'okay', 'okay', 'get', 'married', 'wife', 'would', 'hurt', 'look', 'husband', 'make', 'audible', 'groan', 'wife', 'would', 'live', 'house', 'husband', 'sure', 'great', 'house', 'wife', 'would', 'sleep', 'bed', 'husband', 'else', 'would', 'sleep', 'wife', 'would', 'let', 'drive', 'car', 'husband', 'probably', 'almost', 'new', 'wife', 'would', 'replace', 'picture', 'husband', 'would', 'seem', 'like', 'proper', 'thing', 'wife', 'would', 'give', 'jewellery', 'husband', 'sure', 'want', 'wife', 'would', 'take', 'golfing', 'husband', 'yes', 'always', 'good', 'time', 'wife', 'would', 'use', 'club', 'husband', 'wife', 'silence', 'husband', 'shit', 'would', 'remarry', 'die']",102
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.,529lph,21109,I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.,"['nobody', 'expects', 'spanish', 'position']","['finally', 'worked', 'spain', 'good', 'football']","['nobody', 'expects', 'spanish', 'position', 'finally', 'worked', 'spain', 'good', 'football']",9
The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished coloring the second one,5ser5q,21008,"In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down","['fire', 'consumed', 'book', 'tragic', 'twist', 'even', 'finished', 'coloring', 'second', 'one']","['breaking', 'news', 'trump', 'personal', 'library', 'burned']","['fire', 'consumed', 'book', 'tragic', 'twist', 'even', 'finished', 'coloring', 'second', 'one', 'breaking', 'news', 'trump', 'personal', 'library', 'burned']",16
When the punchline becomes apparent.,4bzb1n,20992,When does a joke become a dad joke?,"['punchline', 'becomes', 'apparent']","['joke', 'become', 'dad', 'joke']","['punchline', 'becomes', 'apparent', 'joke', 'become', 'dad', 'joke']",7
Because they are more likely to be dead.,4mdm5a,20976,A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic,"['likely', 'dead']","['new', 'study', 'show', 'unvaccinated', 'child', 'le', 'likely', 'autistic']","['likely', 'dead', 'new', 'study', 'show', 'unvaccinated', 'child', 'le', 'likely', 'autistic']",10
"A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says ""I hope the porn is disabled."" The guy at the desk replies. ""It's just regular porn you sick fuck.""",2cgtk1,20878,A family walks into a hotel... NSFW,"['family', 'walk', 'hotel', 'father', 'go', 'front', 'desk', 'say', 'hope', 'porn', 'disabled', 'guy', 'desk', 'reply', 'regular', 'porn', 'sick', 'fuck']","['family', 'walk', 'hotel', 'nsfw']","['family', 'walk', 'hotel', 'father', 'go', 'front', 'desk', 'say', 'hope', 'porn', 'disabled', 'guy', 'desk', 'reply', 'regular', 'porn', 'sick', 'fuck', 'family', 'walk', 'hotel', 'nsfw']",22
"A kid walks upto his dad. He asks him to explain the difference between the words realistically and potentially. 

His father responds by telling him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. He then told him to also ask his sister whether she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. And he also told him to ask his brother whether he would sleep with Brett for a million dollars. 

The kid asks everyone. He comes back and tells his dad that they all said yes. 

His father responds that potentially, we're sitting on 3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two whores and a faggot in the family.",52e59u,20724,A kid asks his dad what the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially' is,"['kid', 'walk', 'upto', 'dad', 'asks', 'explain', 'difference', 'word', 'realistically', 'potentially', 'father', 'responds', 'telling', 'go', 'ask', 'mother', 'would', 'sleep', 'neighbour', 'brett', 'million', 'dollar', 'told', 'also', 'ask', 'sister', 'whether', 'would', 'sleep', 'neighbour', 'brett', 'million', 'dollar', 'also', 'told', 'ask', 'brother', 'whether', 'would', 'sleep', 'brett', 'million', 'dollar', 'kid', 'asks', 'everyone', 'come', 'back', 'tell', 'dad', 'said', 'yes', 'father', 'responds', 'potentially', 'sitting', 'million', 'dollar', 'realistically', 'two', 'whore', 'faggot', 'family']","['kid', 'asks', 'dad', 'difference']","['kid', 'walk', 'upto', 'dad', 'asks', 'explain', 'difference', 'word', 'realistically', 'potentially', 'father', 'responds', 'telling', 'go', 'ask', 'mother', 'would', 'sleep', 'neighbour', 'brett', 'million', 'dollar', 'told', 'also', 'ask', 'sister', 'whether', 'would', 'sleep', 'neighbour', 'brett', 'million', 'dollar', 'also', 'told', 'ask', 'brother', 'whether', 'would', 'sleep', 'brett', 'million', 'dollar', 'kid', 'asks', 'everyone', 'come', 'back', 'tell', 'dad', 'said', 'yes', 'father', 'responds', 'potentially', 'sitting', 'million', 'dollar', 'realistically', 'two', 'whore', 'faggot', 'family', 'kid', 'asks', 'dad', 'difference']",67
"My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done. ",4tav80,20709,German girlfriend,"['german', 'girlfriend', 'like', 'rate', 'sexual', 'performance', 'scale', 'last', 'night', 'tried', 'anal', 'kept', 'yelling', 'best', 'ever', 'done']","['german', 'girlfriend']","['german', 'girlfriend', 'like', 'rate', 'sexual', 'performance', 'scale', 'last', 'night', 'tried', 'anal', 'kept', 'yelling', 'best', 'ever', 'done', 'german', 'girlfriend']",18
"[removed]

",4vb4bl,20695,How do you disappoint a Redditor?,['removed'],"['disappoint', 'redditor']","['removed', 'disappoint', 'redditor']",3
"In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. ""Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'"" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, ""Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...""

""I did not ask you for any details"", the lawyer interrupted. ""Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'""

Clyde said, ""Well, I had  just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving  down the road."" 

The lawyer interrupted again and said ""Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.""

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer ""I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.""

Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.

""Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.  I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'

Now what the fuck would you say?""

Edit: wow not only is this my first post over 100 but it's front page and some kind hearted financier hath gilded this lowly pleb. Thank you all for being such an awesome community! Now move along. Back to your dickbutts and spaghetti. Nothing to see here. ",5qgupd,20602,A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.,"['court', 'trucking', 'company', 'lawyer', 'questioning', 'clyde', 'say', 'moment', 'accident', 'fine', 'asked', 'lawyer', 'clyde', 'responded', 'well', 'tell', 'happened', 'loaded', 'favorite', 'mule', 'bessie', 'ask', 'detail', 'lawyer', 'interrupted', 'answer', 'question', 'say', 'scene', 'accident', 'fine', 'clyde', 'said', 'well', 'got', 'bessie', 'trailer', 'driving', 'road', 'lawyer', 'interrupted', 'said', 'judge', 'trying', 'establish', 'fact', 'scene', 'accident', 'man', 'told', 'highway', 'patrolman', 'scene', 'fine', 'several', 'week', 'accident', 'trying', 'sue', 'client', 'believe', 'fraud', 'please', 'tell', 'simply', 'answer', 'question', 'time', 'judge', 'fairly', 'interested', 'clyde', 'answer', 'said', 'lawyer', 'like', 'hear', 'say', 'favorite', 'mule', 'bessie', 'clyde', 'thanked', 'judge', 'proceeded', 'well', 'saying', 'loaded', 'bessie', 'favorite', 'mule', 'trailer', 'driving', 'highway', 'huge', 'trailer', 'ran', 'stop', 'sign', 'smacked', 'truck', 'right', 'side', 'thrown', 'one', 'ditch', 'bessie', 'thrown', 'hurting', 'real', 'bad', 'want', 'move', 'however', 'could', 'hear', 'old', 'bessie', 'moaning', 'groaning', 'knew', 'terrible', 'shape', 'groan', 'highway', 'patrolman', 'came', 'scene', 'could', 'hear', 'bessie', 'moaning', 'groaning', 'went', 'looked', 'saw', 'near', 'fatal', 'condition', 'took', 'gun', 'shot', 'eye', 'patrolman', 'came', 'across', 'road', 'gun', 'still', 'hand', 'looked', 'said', 'feeling', 'fuck', 'would', 'say', 'edit', 'wow', 'first', 'post', 'front', 'page', 'kind', 'hearted', 'financier', 'hath', 'gilded', 'lowly', 'pleb', 'thank', 'awesome', 'community', 'move', 'along', 'back', 'dickbutts', 'spaghetti', 'nothing', 'see']","['farmer', 'named', 'clyde', 'car', 'accident']","['court', 'trucking', 'company', 'lawyer', 'questioning', 'clyde', 'say', 'moment', 'accident', 'fine', 'asked', 'lawyer', 'clyde', 'responded', 'well', 'tell', 'happened', 'loaded', 'favorite', 'mule', 'bessie', 'ask', 'detail', 'lawyer', 'interrupted', 'answer', 'question', 'say', 'scene', 'accident', 'fine', 'clyde', 'said', 'well', 'got', 'bessie', 'trailer', 'driving', 'road', 'lawyer', 'interrupted', 'said', 'judge', 'trying', 'establish', 'fact', 'scene', 'accident', 'man', 'told', 'highway', 'patrolman', 'scene', 'fine', 'several', 'week', 'accident', 'trying', 'sue', 'client', 'believe', 'fraud', 'please', 'tell', 'simply', 'answer', 'question', 'time', 'judge', 'fairly', 'interested', 'clyde', 'answer', 'said', 'lawyer', 'like', 'hear', 'say', 'favorite', 'mule', 'bessie', 'clyde', 'thanked', 'judge', 'proceeded', 'well', 'saying', 'loaded', 'bessie', 'favorite', 'mule', 'trailer', 'driving', 'highway', 'huge', 'trailer', 'ran', 'stop', 'sign', 'smacked', 'truck', 'right', 'side', 'thrown', 'one', 'ditch', 'bessie', 'thrown', 'hurting', 'real', 'bad', 'want', 'move', 'however', 'could', 'hear', 'old', 'bessie', 'moaning', 'groaning', 'knew', 'terrible', 'shape', 'groan', 'highway', 'patrolman', 'came', 'scene', 'could', 'hear', 'bessie', 'moaning', 'groaning', 'went', 'looked', 'saw', 'near', 'fatal', 'condition', 'took', 'gun', 'shot', 'eye', 'patrolman', 'came', 'across', 'road', 'gun', 'still', 'hand', 'looked', 'said', 'feeling', 'fuck', 'would', 'say', 'edit', 'wow', 'first', 'post', 'front', 'page', 'kind', 'hearted', 'financier', 'hath', 'gilded', 'lowly', 'pleb', 'thank', 'awesome', 'community', 'move', 'along', 'back', 'dickbutts', 'spaghetti', 'nothing', 'see', 'farmer', 'named', 'clyde', 'car', 'accident']",184
"""I want you to try and sell this to me.""

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, ""Bring it back here right now!""

I said, ""$200 and it's yours.""",4wtywa,20370,I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...,"['want', 'try', 'sell', 'put', 'arm', 'walked', 'building', 'went', 'home', 'eventually', 'called', 'mobile', 'said', 'bring', 'back', 'right', 'said']","['job', 'interview', 'today', 'manager', 'handed', 'laptop', 'said']","['want', 'try', 'sell', 'put', 'arm', 'walked', 'building', 'went', 'home', 'eventually', 'called', 'mobile', 'said', 'bring', 'back', 'right', 'said', 'job', 'interview', 'today', 'manager', 'handed', 'laptop', 'said']",24
"One.

Men can be Feminists, too.",4y28jy,20353,How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?,"['one', 'men', 'feminist']","['many', 'feminist', 'take', 'screw', 'lightbulb']","['one', 'men', 'feminist', 'many', 'feminist', 'take', 'screw', 'lightbulb']",8
"The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.     

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. 

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, ""This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'."" When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you  want.""     

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, ""How do I stop the medicine from working?""   

""Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'"" the medicine man responded, ""but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.""     

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, ""1-2-3!"" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked ""What was the 1-2-3 for?""      

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.",4v1ppp,20345,"On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...","['certificate', 'paid', 'visit', 'medicine', 'man', 'living', 'nearby', 'reservation', 'rumored', 'wonderful', 'cure', 'erectile', 'dysfunction', 'persuaded', 'go', 'drove', 'reservation', 'handed', 'ticket', 'medicine', 'man', 'wondered', 'old', 'man', 'handed', 'potion', 'grip', 'shoulder', 'warned', 'powerful', 'medicine', 'take', 'teaspoon', 'say', 'become', 'manly', 'ever', 'life', 'perform', 'long', 'want', 'man', 'encouraged', 'walked', 'away', 'turned', 'asked', 'stop', 'medicine', 'working', 'partner', 'must', 'say', 'medicine', 'man', 'responded', 'medicine', 'work', 'next', 'full', 'moon', 'man', 'eager', 'see', 'worked', 'went', 'home', 'showered', 'shaved', 'took', 'spoonful', 'medicine', 'invited', 'wife', 'join', 'bedroom', 'came', 'quickly', 'took', 'clothes', 'said', 'immediately', 'manliest', 'men', 'wife', 'excited', 'began', 'throwing', 'clothes', 'asked', 'boy', 'girl', 'never', 'end', 'sentence', 'preposition', 'could', 'end', 'dangling', 'participle']","['birthday', 'old', 'man', 'received', 'gift', 'certificate', 'wife']","['certificate', 'paid', 'visit', 'medicine', 'man', 'living', 'nearby', 'reservation', 'rumored', 'wonderful', 'cure', 'erectile', 'dysfunction', 'persuaded', 'go', 'drove', 'reservation', 'handed', 'ticket', 'medicine', 'man', 'wondered', 'old', 'man', 'handed', 'potion', 'grip', 'shoulder', 'warned', 'powerful', 'medicine', 'take', 'teaspoon', 'say', 'become', 'manly', 'ever', 'life', 'perform', 'long', 'want', 'man', 'encouraged', 'walked', 'away', 'turned', 'asked', 'stop', 'medicine', 'working', 'partner', 'must', 'say', 'medicine', 'man', 'responded', 'medicine', 'work', 'next', 'full', 'moon', 'man', 'eager', 'see', 'worked', 'went', 'home', 'showered', 'shaved', 'took', 'spoonful', 'medicine', 'invited', 'wife', 'join', 'bedroom', 'came', 'quickly', 'took', 'clothes', 'said', 'immediately', 'manliest', 'men', 'wife', 'excited', 'began', 'throwing', 'clothes', 'asked', 'boy', 'girl', 'never', 'end', 'sentence', 'preposition', 'could', 'end', 'dangling', 'participle', 'birthday', 'old', 'man', 'received', 'gift', 'certificate', 'wife']",107
"""coup coup""",4t2htj,20324,What sound does a Turkey make?,"['coup', 'coup']","['sound', 'turkey', 'make']","['coup', 'coup', 'sound', 'turkey', 'make']",5
I'll have sex with their boyfriends,51zxrf,20119,"One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!","['sex', 'boyfriend']","['one', 'day', 'pretend', 'gay', 'make', 'lot', 'female', 'friend', 'gain', 'trust', 'become', 'confidant', 'least', 'expected', 'baam']","['sex', 'boyfriend', 'one', 'day', 'pretend', 'gay', 'make', 'lot', 'female', 'friend', 'gain', 'trust', 'become', 'confidant', 'least', 'expected', 'baam']",17
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools,4d6ow3,20093,Alabama changed the drinking age to 34,"['wanted', 'keep', 'alcohol', 'high', 'school']","['alabama', 'changed', 'drinking', 'age']","['wanted', 'keep', 'alcohol', 'high', 'school', 'alabama', 'changed', 'drinking', 'age']",9
"...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'",5tdn2x,19993,"An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...","['sharing', 'compartment', 'train', 'wind', 'way', 'alp', 'every', 'train', 'pass', 'tunnel', 'time', 'compartment', 'plunged', 'complete', 'darkness', 'one', 'occasion', 'ringing', 'slap', 'heard', 'train', 'pass', 'back', 'daylight', 'frenchman', 'rubbing', 'sore', 'red', 'cheek', 'brunette', 'think', 'bet', 'dirty', 'frenchman', 'fondled', 'blonde', 'struck', 'pervert', 'blonde', 'think', 'bet', 'filthy', 'frenchman', 'looking', 'grope', 'dark', 'mistook', 'dowdy', 'brunette', 'slapped', 'beast', 'frenchman', 'think', 'bet', 'perfidious', 'englishman', 'touched', 'blonde', 'dark', 'slapped', 'mistake', 'englishman', 'think', 'ca', 'wait', 'another', 'tunnel', 'slap', 'french', 'twat']","['englishman', 'frenchman', 'ravishing', 'blonde', 'homely', 'brunette']","['sharing', 'compartment', 'train', 'wind', 'way', 'alp', 'every', 'train', 'pass', 'tunnel', 'time', 'compartment', 'plunged', 'complete', 'darkness', 'one', 'occasion', 'ringing', 'slap', 'heard', 'train', 'pass', 'back', 'daylight', 'frenchman', 'rubbing', 'sore', 'red', 'cheek', 'brunette', 'think', 'bet', 'dirty', 'frenchman', 'fondled', 'blonde', 'struck', 'pervert', 'blonde', 'think', 'bet', 'filthy', 'frenchman', 'looking', 'grope', 'dark', 'mistook', 'dowdy', 'brunette', 'slapped', 'beast', 'frenchman', 'think', 'bet', 'perfidious', 'englishman', 'touched', 'blonde', 'dark', 'slapped', 'mistake', 'englishman', 'think', 'ca', 'wait', 'another', 'tunnel', 'slap', 'french', 'twat', 'englishman', 'frenchman', 'ravishing', 'blonde', 'homely', 'brunette']",76
But not my Sister.,5r0r2o,19917,"Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral",['sister'],"['woman', 'would', 'love', 'wake', 'birthday', 'smell', 'fresh', 'coffee', 'nice', 'breakfast', 'flower', 'oral']","['sister', 'woman', 'would', 'love', 'wake', 'birthday', 'smell', 'fresh', 'coffee', 'nice', 'breakfast', 'flower', 'oral']",13
" ""What should I pay you?"" the monk asks. ""No price, for a holy man such as yourself,"" the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.


That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. ""What shall I pay you, my son?"" ""No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself."" And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.
 That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. ""What do you want I should pay you?"" ""Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself."" And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis
",4psjv7,19910,A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.,"['pay', 'monk', 'asks', 'price', 'holy', 'man', 'barber', 'reply', 'know', 'next', 'day', 'barber', 'come', 'open', 'shop', 'find', 'doorstep', 'dozen', 'gemstone', 'day', 'priest', 'come', 'hair', 'cut', 'shall', 'pay', 'son', 'price', 'man', 'cloth', 'know', 'next', 'day', 'barber', 'come', 'open', 'shop', 'find', 'doorstep', 'dozen', 'rose', 'day', 'rabbi', 'finklestein', 'come', 'get', 'payoss', 'sideburn', 'trimmed', 'want', 'pay', 'nothing', 'man', 'god', 'next', 'morning', 'know', 'barber', 'find', 'doorstep', 'dozen', 'rabbi']","['buddhist', 'monk', 'go', 'barber', 'head', 'shaved']","['pay', 'monk', 'asks', 'price', 'holy', 'man', 'barber', 'reply', 'know', 'next', 'day', 'barber', 'come', 'open', 'shop', 'find', 'doorstep', 'dozen', 'gemstone', 'day', 'priest', 'come', 'hair', 'cut', 'shall', 'pay', 'son', 'price', 'man', 'cloth', 'know', 'next', 'day', 'barber', 'come', 'open', 'shop', 'find', 'doorstep', 'dozen', 'rose', 'day', 'rabbi', 'finklestein', 'come', 'get', 'payoss', 'sideburn', 'trimmed', 'want', 'pay', 'nothing', 'man', 'god', 'next', 'morning', 'know', 'barber', 'find', 'doorstep', 'dozen', 'rabbi', 'buddhist', 'monk', 'go', 'barber', 'head', 'shaved']",68
"asked a son to his father.

""It means 'happy,'"" replied the father.

""Oh,"" contested the son, ""so are you gay, then?""

""No, son, I have a wife.""
",4ttyja,19834,What does the word 'gay' mean?,"['asked', 'son', 'father', 'mean', 'replied', 'father', 'oh', 'contested', 'son', 'gay', 'son', 'wife']","['word', 'mean']","['asked', 'son', 'father', 'mean', 'replied', 'father', 'oh', 'contested', 'son', 'gay', 'son', 'wife', 'word', 'mean']",14
"""NASA: The Sky's The Limit""",5tlztr,19674,Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?,"['nasa', 'sky', 'limit']","['hear', 'nasa', 'new', 'slogan', 'budget', 'cut']","['nasa', 'sky', 'limit', 'hear', 'nasa', 'new', 'slogan', 'budget', 'cut']",9
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.,32vfr6,19563,If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...,"['could', 'afford', 'house', 'economy', 'ruined']","['dollar', 'every', 'time', 'someone', 'told', 'generation', 'suck']","['could', 'afford', 'house', 'economy', 'ruined', 'dollar', 'every', 'time', 'someone', 'told', 'generation', 'suck']",12
"Satan is already waiting for him.

'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll take their place. However, you can choose whose place you want to take.

'Oh, that sounds okay I guess' says Bush.

Satan leads him to the first room and opens the door. In this room, there's a huge swimming pool. In it, Reagan is drowning. He goes down, then up, then down, then up, and he's gasping for air all the while.

'Oh, no,' says Bush. 'That's not for me, I'm a poor swimmer.'

Satan opens the second door. The room is full of rocks and they see Nixon trying to break up the rocks with a wooden hammer.

'Nah, I have problems with my shoulders and my back, that'd be such a painful thing to do day after day.'

So Satan opens the third door. In the room, they see Clinton lying on the floor, all tied up. Monica Lewinsky is lying on top of Clinton, giving him a blowjob. Bush stares at the scene with a wide smile and says:

'Ah, that I could endure!'

'Alright,' laughs Satan. 'Monica, you're free to go!'",4wpnme,19554,George Bush dies and goes to hell,"['satan', 'already', 'waiting', 'know', 'see', 'list', 'free', 'room', 'definitely', 'stay', 'hell', 'find', 'solution', 'people', 'bad', 'guess', 'let', 'one', 'go', 'take', 'place', 'however', 'choose', 'whose', 'place', 'want', 'take', 'sound', 'okay', 'guess', 'say', 'bush', 'satan', 'lead', 'first', 'room', 'open', 'door', 'room', 'huge', 'swimming', 'pool', 'reagan', 'drowning', 'go', 'gasping', 'air', 'say', 'bush', 'poor', 'swimmer', 'satan', 'open', 'second', 'door', 'room', 'full', 'rock', 'see', 'nixon', 'trying', 'break', 'rock', 'wooden', 'hammer', 'problem', 'shoulder', 'back', 'painful', 'thing', 'day', 'day', 'satan', 'open', 'third', 'door', 'room', 'see', 'clinton', 'lying', 'floor', 'tied', 'monica', 'lewinsky', 'lying', 'top', 'clinton', 'giving', 'blowjob', 'bush', 'stare', 'scene', 'wide', 'smile', 'say', 'could', 'endure', 'laugh', 'satan', 'free', 'go']","['george', 'bush', 'dy', 'go', 'hell']","['satan', 'already', 'waiting', 'know', 'see', 'list', 'free', 'room', 'definitely', 'stay', 'hell', 'find', 'solution', 'people', 'bad', 'guess', 'let', 'one', 'go', 'take', 'place', 'however', 'choose', 'whose', 'place', 'want', 'take', 'sound', 'okay', 'guess', 'say', 'bush', 'satan', 'lead', 'first', 'room', 'open', 'door', 'room', 'huge', 'swimming', 'pool', 'reagan', 'drowning', 'go', 'gasping', 'air', 'say', 'bush', 'poor', 'swimmer', 'satan', 'open', 'second', 'door', 'room', 'full', 'rock', 'see', 'nixon', 'trying', 'break', 'rock', 'wooden', 'hammer', 'problem', 'shoulder', 'back', 'painful', 'thing', 'day', 'day', 'satan', 'open', 'third', 'door', 'room', 'see', 'clinton', 'lying', 'floor', 'tied', 'monica', 'lewinsky', 'lying', 'top', 'clinton', 'giving', 'blowjob', 'bush', 'stare', 'scene', 'wide', 'smile', 'say', 'could', 'endure', 'laugh', 'satan', 'free', 'go', 'george', 'bush', 'dy', 'go', 'hell']",106
"Dad: ""Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you.""",5trtfi,19525,"Son: ""Dad, Am I adopted""?","['dad', 'yet', 'still', 'found', 'anyone', 'want']","['son', 'dad', 'adopted']","['dad', 'yet', 'still', 'found', 'anyone', 'want', 'son', 'dad', 'adopted']",9
" After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, ""I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.""

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, ""Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice.""",51ezj2,19410,A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.,"['plane', 'airborne', 'drink', 'order', 'taken', 'irishman', 'asked', 'whiskey', 'promptly', 'brought', 'placed', 'flight', 'attendant', 'asked', 'mormon', 'would', 'like', 'drink', 'replied', 'disgust', 'rather', 'savagely', 'raped', 'dozen', 'whore', 'let', 'liquor', 'touch', 'lip', 'irishman', 'handed', 'drink', 'back', 'attendant', 'said', 'know', 'choice']","['mormon', 'seated', 'next', 'irishman', 'flight', 'london']","['plane', 'airborne', 'drink', 'order', 'taken', 'irishman', 'asked', 'whiskey', 'promptly', 'brought', 'placed', 'flight', 'attendant', 'asked', 'mormon', 'would', 'like', 'drink', 'replied', 'disgust', 'rather', 'savagely', 'raped', 'dozen', 'whore', 'let', 'liquor', 'touch', 'lip', 'irishman', 'handed', 'drink', 'back', 'attendant', 'said', 'know', 'choice', 'mormon', 'seated', 'next', 'irishman', 'flight', 'london']",43
"""I think there's water in the carburetor.""

""How do you know?"" said the husband scornfully. ""You don't even know what the carburetor is.""

""I'm telling you,"" repeated the wife, ""I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor.""

""We'll see,"" mocked the husband. ""Let me check it out. Where's the car?""

""In the swimming pool.""",4wb8r4,19390,"""The car won't start,"" said a wife to her husband.","['think', 'water', 'carburetor', 'know', 'said', 'husband', 'scornfully', 'even', 'know', 'carburetor', 'telling', 'repeated', 'wife', 'sure', 'water', 'carburetor', 'see', 'mocked', 'husband', 'let', 'check', 'car', 'swimming', 'pool']","['car', 'wo', 'start', 'said', 'wife', 'husband']","['think', 'water', 'carburetor', 'know', 'said', 'husband', 'scornfully', 'even', 'know', 'carburetor', 'telling', 'repeated', 'wife', 'sure', 'water', 'carburetor', 'see', 'mocked', 'husband', 'let', 'check', 'car', 'swimming', 'pool', 'car', 'wo', 'start', 'said', 'wife', 'husband']",30
"I said, ""Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid.""

""Not that,"" she explained, ""It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks.""",4y4qij,19346,"I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, ""This is so unrealistic.""","['said', 'unwilling', 'try', 'new', 'thing', 'mean', 'everyone', 'frigid', 'explained', 'plumber', 'come', 'house', 'tiny', 'dick']","['watching', 'porn', 'missus', 'complained', 'unrealistic']","['said', 'unwilling', 'try', 'new', 'thing', 'mean', 'everyone', 'frigid', 'explained', 'plumber', 'come', 'house', 'tiny', 'dick', 'watching', 'porn', 'missus', 'complained', 'unrealistic']",19
"She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

**Edit:** Some people have accused me of ""being a plagiarist"" and ""stealing other's jokes""... Their words, not mine...

*Pause for comedic value*

But seriously, this **is** a version of an Ashlee Barnhill joke. Sorry for the bamboozle fellow redditors.",5t72yq,19300,I call my wife Bambi,"['think', 'cute', 'big', 'brown', 'eye', 'really', 'want', 'someone', 'shoot', 'mother', 'hunting', 'rifle', 'edit', 'people', 'accused', 'plagiarist', 'stealing', 'joke', 'word', 'mine', 'pause', 'comedic', 'value', 'seriously', 'version', 'ashlee', 'barnhill', 'joke', 'sorry', 'bamboozle', 'fellow', 'redditors']","['call', 'wife', 'bambi']","['think', 'cute', 'big', 'brown', 'eye', 'really', 'want', 'someone', 'shoot', 'mother', 'hunting', 'rifle', 'edit', 'people', 'accused', 'plagiarist', 'stealing', 'joke', 'word', 'mine', 'pause', 'comedic', 'value', 'seriously', 'version', 'ashlee', 'barnhill', 'joke', 'sorry', 'bamboozle', 'fellow', 'redditors', 'call', 'wife', 'bambi']",35
"The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says ""I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine"". The English man says ""I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh.""",501u0r,19256,"An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital.","['doctor', 'tell', 'there', 'mix', 'know', 'baby', 'english', 'man', 'run', 'grab', 'brown', 'baby', 'start', 'walk', 'indian', 'man', 'look', 'relly', 'confused', 'say', 'pretty', 'sure', 'baby', 'look', 'indian', 'mine', 'english', 'man', 'say', 'know', 'chance', 'hell', 'leaving', 'baby', 'could', 'welsh']","['english', 'man', 'welsh', 'man', 'indian', 'man', 'walk', 'maternity', 'hospital']","['doctor', 'tell', 'there', 'mix', 'know', 'baby', 'english', 'man', 'run', 'grab', 'brown', 'baby', 'start', 'walk', 'indian', 'man', 'look', 'relly', 'confused', 'say', 'pretty', 'sure', 'baby', 'look', 'indian', 'mine', 'english', 'man', 'say', 'know', 'chance', 'hell', 'leaving', 'baby', 'could', 'welsh', 'english', 'man', 'welsh', 'man', 'indian', 'man', 'walk', 'maternity', 'hospital']",45
"Oops, wrong sub",4nuftd,19239,"TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy","['oops', 'wrong', 'sub']","['til', 'russian', 'accidentally', 'blew', 'submarine', 'thinking', 'enemy']","['oops', 'wrong', 'sub', 'til', 'russian', 'accidentally', 'blew', 'submarine', 'thinking', 'enemy']",10
"A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, ""Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?""

The woman says, ""Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce.""

The banker, stunned, asks, ""A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?""

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. 
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, ""Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. 
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?""

The woman replies, 
""Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?""",30p0uc,19171,A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan,"['blonde', 'woman', 'walk', 'bank', 'nyc', 'going', 'vacation', 'asks', 'loan', 'banker', 'asks', 'okay', 'miss', 'anything', 'would', 'like', 'use', 'collateral', 'woman', 'say', 'yes', 'course', 'use', 'roll', 'royce', 'banker', 'stunned', 'asks', 'roll', 'royce', 'really', 'woman', 'completely', 'positive', 'hand', 'key', 'banker', 'loan', 'officer', 'laugh', 'check', 'credential', 'make', 'sure', 'title', 'owner', 'everything', 'check', 'park', 'underground', 'garage', 'two', 'week', 'come', 'back', 'pay', 'loan', 'well', 'interest', 'loan', 'officer', 'say', 'miss', 'appreciative', 'business', 'u', 'one', 'question', 'looked', 'found', 'would', 'want', 'borrow', 'woman', 'reply', 'else', 'new', 'york', 'city', 'park', 'car', 'two', 'week', 'expect', 'return']","['blonde', 'woman', 'asks', 'loan']","['blonde', 'woman', 'walk', 'bank', 'nyc', 'going', 'vacation', 'asks', 'loan', 'banker', 'asks', 'okay', 'miss', 'anything', 'would', 'like', 'use', 'collateral', 'woman', 'say', 'yes', 'course', 'use', 'roll', 'royce', 'banker', 'stunned', 'asks', 'roll', 'royce', 'really', 'woman', 'completely', 'positive', 'hand', 'key', 'banker', 'loan', 'officer', 'laugh', 'check', 'credential', 'make', 'sure', 'title', 'owner', 'everything', 'check', 'park', 'underground', 'garage', 'two', 'week', 'come', 'back', 'pay', 'loan', 'well', 'interest', 'loan', 'officer', 'say', 'miss', 'appreciative', 'business', 'u', 'one', 'question', 'looked', 'found', 'would', 'want', 'borrow', 'woman', 'reply', 'else', 'new', 'york', 'city', 'park', 'car', 'two', 'week', 'expect', 'return', 'blonde', 'woman', 'asks', 'loan']",89
Everybody misses Harambe.,4zqox0,19153,What's the difference between everybody and bullets?,"['everybody', 'miss', 'harambe']","['difference', 'everybody', 'bullet']","['everybody', 'miss', 'harambe', 'difference', 'everybody', 'bullet']",6
"The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, ""See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing."" The white man says to the black man, ""That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.""

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, ""Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.""
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, ""So what did you do with the pastries?""

The white man replies, ""Look in the black mans back pocket.....""

EDIT: I forgot that you don't get karma for jokes, :(",45udb4,19138,A black man and a white man walk into a bakery,"['black', 'man', 'immediately', 'steal', 'three', 'pastry', 'put', 'pocket', 'say', 'white', 'see', 'good', 'owner', 'see', 'thing', 'white', 'man', 'say', 'black', 'man', 'typical', 'black', 'people', 'going', 'show', 'honest', 'way', 'get', 'result', 'go', 'owner', 'bakery', 'say', 'give', 'pastry', 'show', 'magic', 'trick', 'intrigued', 'owner', 'accepts', 'give', 'pastry', 'white', 'man', 'swallow', 'asks', 'another', 'one', 'owner', 'give', 'another', 'one', 'white', 'man', 'swallow', 'one', 'asks', 'third', 'pastry', 'eats', 'owner', 'starting', 'wonder', 'magic', 'trick', 'asks', 'pastry', 'white', 'man', 'reply', 'look', 'black', 'man', 'back', 'pocket', 'edit', 'forgot', 'get', 'karma', 'joke']","['black', 'man', 'white', 'man', 'walk', 'bakery']","['black', 'man', 'immediately', 'steal', 'three', 'pastry', 'put', 'pocket', 'say', 'white', 'see', 'good', 'owner', 'see', 'thing', 'white', 'man', 'say', 'black', 'man', 'typical', 'black', 'people', 'going', 'show', 'honest', 'way', 'get', 'result', 'go', 'owner', 'bakery', 'say', 'give', 'pastry', 'show', 'magic', 'trick', 'intrigued', 'owner', 'accepts', 'give', 'pastry', 'white', 'man', 'swallow', 'asks', 'another', 'one', 'owner', 'give', 'another', 'one', 'white', 'man', 'swallow', 'one', 'asks', 'third', 'pastry', 'eats', 'owner', 'starting', 'wonder', 'magic', 'trick', 'asks', 'pastry', 'white', 'man', 'reply', 'look', 'black', 'man', 'back', 'pocket', 'edit', 'forgot', 'get', 'karma', 'joke', 'black', 'man', 'white', 'man', 'walk', 'bakery']",87
"-----

I mean how many times do I have to tell them? My name is not ""Help"" or ""Getoffme."" Get it right. Its *Brock Turner*. 

------

Since many have mentioned it yes. Yes my Rape joke is innacurate to the actual events. But the entire point of the joke was to emphasis the fact that Brock Turner is a Rapist. So, if any of you would like to improve on the joke go ahead. I really don't care, just don't bombard the the subreddit with Brock Turner rape jokes or it will most likely get banned, and become stale. :* have fun and spread the good word. 

Guys. I need bail :'( http://m.imgur.com/x29gyvN

The amount of people who thought he was serious is very disheartening... This guy was joking. http://m.imgur.com/Q1iyUoT

========

[We did it reddit]( http://m.imgur.com/hKRnGrT)


=======


[No, you cannot](http://m.imgur.com/fqufGbK)

",51c5bj,19025,I am so sick of girls calling out the wrong names during sex.,"['mean', 'many', 'time', 'tell', 'name', 'help', 'getoffme', 'get', 'right', 'brock', 'turner', 'since', 'many', 'mentioned', 'yes', 'yes', 'rape', 'joke', 'innacurate', 'actual', 'event', 'entire', 'point', 'joke', 'emphasis', 'fact', 'brock', 'turner', 'rapist', 'would', 'like', 'improve', 'joke', 'go', 'ahead', 'really', 'care', 'bombard', 'subreddit', 'brock', 'turner', 'rape', 'joke', 'likely', 'get', 'banned', 'become', 'stale', 'fun', 'spread', 'good', 'word', 'guy', 'need', 'bail', 'http', 'amount', 'people', 'thought', 'serious', 'disheartening', 'guy', 'joking', 'http', 'reddit', 'http', 'http']","['sick', 'girl', 'calling', 'wrong', 'name', 'sex']","['mean', 'many', 'time', 'tell', 'name', 'help', 'getoffme', 'get', 'right', 'brock', 'turner', 'since', 'many', 'mentioned', 'yes', 'yes', 'rape', 'joke', 'innacurate', 'actual', 'event', 'entire', 'point', 'joke', 'emphasis', 'fact', 'brock', 'turner', 'rapist', 'would', 'like', 'improve', 'joke', 'go', 'ahead', 'really', 'care', 'bombard', 'subreddit', 'brock', 'turner', 'rape', 'joke', 'likely', 'get', 'banned', 'become', 'stale', 'fun', 'spread', 'good', 'word', 'guy', 'need', 'bail', 'http', 'amount', 'people', 'thought', 'serious', 'disheartening', 'guy', 'joking', 'http', 'reddit', 'http', 'http', 'sick', 'girl', 'calling', 'wrong', 'name', 'sex']",73
"""A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more.""

Gary, you filthy bastard.",4y9nn6,18905,I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..,"['man', 'arrested', 'half', 'million', 'indecent', 'image', 'child', 'found', 'home', 'bradford', 'reporter', 'gary', 'gary', 'filthy', 'bastard']","['watching', 'news', 'morning', 'presenter', 'said']","['man', 'arrested', 'half', 'million', 'indecent', 'image', 'child', 'found', 'home', 'bradford', 'reporter', 'gary', 'gary', 'filthy', 'bastard', 'watching', 'news', 'morning', 'presenter', 'said']",20
[deleted],40lhzp,18818,3 mods walk into a bar,['deleted'],"['mod', 'walk', 'bar']","['deleted', 'mod', 'walk', 'bar']",4
" ""I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up.""
  
""Bummer, mate...!!!""
  
""Thanks mate, I hadnt thought of that. Bye.""",5q9qxg,18757,"""G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?""","['darwin', 'sheila', 'stung', 'minge', 'wasp', 'pussy', 'completely', 'closed', 'bummer', 'mate', 'thanks', 'mate', 'hadnt', 'thought', 'bye']","['mate', 'aussie', 'help', 'line', 'problem', 'cobber']","['darwin', 'sheila', 'stung', 'minge', 'wasp', 'pussy', 'completely', 'closed', 'bummer', 'mate', 'thanks', 'mate', 'hadnt', 'thought', 'bye', 'mate', 'aussie', 'help', 'line', 'problem', 'cobber']",21
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.,4w7prj,18673,"To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.","['picked', 'pizza', 'made', 'taco', 'live', 'swing', 'state']","['teach', 'kid', 'democracy', 'let', 'vote', 'dinner']","['picked', 'pizza', 'made', 'taco', 'live', 'swing', 'state', 'teach', 'kid', 'democracy', 'let', 'vote', 'dinner']",13
"The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not. 

The Queen nods in assent, saying ""you do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her naked in your arms. For your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz that ladies have in certain places, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good.""

On his turn, the knight asks ""Lady, answer me without deceit. Is there hair between your legs?"" When she replies, ""none at all"", he comments, ""Indeed I do believe you, for grass does not grow on a well-beaten path.""",4r55jb,18659,A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century,"['joke', 'come', 'u', 'jean', 'de', 'conde', 'hainaut', 'born', 'game', 'played', 'court', 'queen', 'retinue', 'knight', 'asked', 'queen', 'fathered', 'child', 'forced', 'admit', 'queen', 'nod', 'assent', 'saying', 'look', 'man', 'could', 'please', 'mistress', 'hold', 'naked', 'arm', 'beard', 'little', 'kind', 'fuzz', 'lady', 'certain', 'place', 'easy', 'tell', 'state', 'hay', 'whether', 'pitchfork', 'good', 'turn', 'knight', 'asks', 'lady', 'answer', 'without', 'deceit', 'hair', 'leg', 'reply', 'none', 'comment', 'indeed', 'believe', 'grass', 'grow', 'path']","['dirty', 'joke', 'century']","['joke', 'come', 'u', 'jean', 'de', 'conde', 'hainaut', 'born', 'game', 'played', 'court', 'queen', 'retinue', 'knight', 'asked', 'queen', 'fathered', 'child', 'forced', 'admit', 'queen', 'nod', 'assent', 'saying', 'look', 'man', 'could', 'please', 'mistress', 'hold', 'naked', 'arm', 'beard', 'little', 'kind', 'fuzz', 'lady', 'certain', 'place', 'easy', 'tell', 'state', 'hay', 'whether', 'pitchfork', 'good', 'turn', 'knight', 'asks', 'lady', 'answer', 'without', 'deceit', 'hair', 'leg', 'reply', 'none', 'comment', 'indeed', 'believe', 'grass', 'grow', 'path', 'dirty', 'joke', 'century']",66
Because they are more likely to be dead,4wz39j,18606,TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic,"['likely', 'dead']","['til', 'unvaccinated', 'child', 'le', 'likely', 'autistic']","['likely', 'dead', 'til', 'unvaccinated', 'child', 'le', 'likely', 'autistic']",8
"Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps. ",5scr7a,18552,I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book.,"['embarrassing', 'also', 'cost', 'fortune', 'stamp']","['accidentally', 'sent', 'dick', 'pic', 'everyone', 'address', 'book']","['embarrassing', 'also', 'cost', 'fortune', 'stamp', 'accidentally', 'sent', 'dick', 'pic', 'everyone', 'address', 'book']",12
"Inspector says ""These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. 
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit.""

Guy replies ""Why the rabbit?""

Inspector says ""Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!""

Edit: Thanks for the my first Reddit gold!",325gsk,18526,A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.,"['inspector', 'say', 'best', 'qualification', 'ever', 'seen', 'one', 'test', 'get', 'job', 'take', 'gun', 'go', 'shoot', 'six', 'black', 'guy', 'rabbit', 'guy', 'reply', 'rabbit', 'inspector', 'say', 'fantastic', 'attitude', 'got', 'job', 'edit', 'thanks', 'first', 'reddit', 'gold']","['guy', 'applies', 'job']","['inspector', 'say', 'best', 'qualification', 'ever', 'seen', 'one', 'test', 'get', 'job', 'take', 'gun', 'go', 'shoot', 'six', 'black', 'guy', 'rabbit', 'guy', 'reply', 'rabbit', 'inspector', 'say', 'fantastic', 'attitude', 'got', 'job', 'edit', 'thanks', 'first', 'reddit', 'gold', 'guy', 'applies', 'job']",35
"Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an ""I"". 
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an ""I"". Always put 'am' after an ""I"".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. ",4go5q7,18403,"Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an ""I""????","['teacher', 'tell', 'sentence', 'start', 'student', 'teacher', 'stop', 'never', 'put', 'always', 'put', 'student', 'ok', 'ninth', 'letter', 'alphabet']","['teacher', 'tell', 'sentence', 'start']","['teacher', 'tell', 'sentence', 'start', 'student', 'teacher', 'stop', 'never', 'put', 'always', 'put', 'student', 'ok', 'ninth', 'letter', 'alphabet', 'teacher', 'tell', 'sentence', 'start']",20
"So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself. 

Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, ""Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?"" 

And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel. 

So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, *""Uh... No thanks, I'm good.""* 

""Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out.""

So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, ""Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this.""

So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, ""OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner.""

So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick.

A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, ""Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?"" Luckily, she says, ""Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't  miss it.""

So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled ""*Video Games*."" The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, ""Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?"" and she responds with, ""No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it."" So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever.

So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream.

So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, ""Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me."" 

I tell her, ""Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great."" She says, ""Well...alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow

So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, ""Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again."" 

""Wait, what? Why not? What happened?""

""Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me.""

""I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person""

""She told me, and I quote, that she is going to *fucking murder me*.""

""I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow.""

I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on.

So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up.

Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, ""She's dead, you're next."" A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her.

Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, ""She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next."" And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, ""She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next."" AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE. 

And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?",508unu,18322,The Girlfriend Joke,"['recently', 'moved', 'new', 'neighborhood', 'pretty', 'nice', 'area', 'couple', 'week', 'moving', 'truck', 'pull', 'realize', 'new', 'girl', 'living', 'house', 'next', 'walk', 'notice', 'good', 'neighbor', 'go', 'ask', 'hey', 'see', 'help', 'need', 'help', 'moving', 'box', 'inside', 'keep', 'mind', 'like', 'good', 'day', 'girl', 'easy', 'like', 'girl', 'easily', 'supermodel', 'ask', 'need', 'help', 'look', 'dead', 'eye', 'nastiest', 'grimace', 'face', 'say', 'uh', 'thanks', 'good', 'well', 'problem', 'need', 'anything', 'give', 'little', 'knock', 'door', 'come', 'couple', 'day', 'go', 'failed', 'attempt', 'girl', 'dumb', 'small', 'chihuahua', 'jump', 'fence', 'get', 'yard', 'thinking', 'ok', 'cranky', 'girl', 'round', 'let', 'go', 'got', 'take', 'dumb', 'dog', 'bring', 'house', 'give', 'door', 'knock', 'open', 'door', 'biggest', 'smile', 'say', 'oh', 'god', 'thank', 'much', 'know', 'would', 'without', 'like', 'family', 'sorry', 'mean', 'day', 'bad', 'day', 'took', 'sorry', 'please', 'let', 'make', 'take', 'dinner', 'humbly', 'accept', 'end', 'going', 'dinner', 'night', 'much', 'common', 'like', 'video', 'game', 'anime', 'white', 'girl', 'stuff', 'like', 'makeup', 'starbucks', 'shit', 'good', 'time', 'mean', 'girl', 'way', 'league', 'complain', 'hang', 'frequently', 'visit', 'visit', 'good', 'relationship', 'extremely', 'hot', 'chick', 'couple', 'week', 'go', 'continue', 'see', 'moving', 'truck', 'come', 'direction', 'go', 'greet', 'new', 'neighbor', 'see', 'cute', 'girl', 'come', 'moving', 'truck', 'girl', 'cute', 'supermodel', 'hot', 'cute', 'would', 'say', 'like', 'go', 'say', 'hey', 'see', 'help', 'moving', 'stuff', 'ok', 'help', 'luckily', 'say', 'yeah', 'sure', 'um', 'take', 'box', 'put', 'living', 'room', 'first', 'room', 'right', 'ca', 'miss', 'go', 'pick', 'box', 'realize', 'labeled', 'video', 'game', 'box', 'taped', 'well', 'peek', 'box', 'seeing', 'serious', 'video', 'game', 'seeing', 'final', 'fantasy', 'black', 'label', 'mint', 'copy', 'illusion', 'gaia', 'like', 'girl', 'even', 'know', 'game', 'ask', 'hey', 'box', 'boyfriend', 'stuff', 'responds', 'boyfriend', 'stuff', 'mine', 'make', 'sure', 'drop', 'know', 'girl', 'actually', 'coolest', 'girl', 'ever', 'help', 'girl', 'move', 'stuff', 'hang', 'afterwards', 'go', 'lunch', 'hit', 'ended', 'talking', 'video', 'game', 'whole', 'time', 'amazing', 'friend', 'talk', 'nerd', 'shit', 'forget', 'cute', 'hell', 'also', 'girlfriend', 'right', 'living', 'dream', 'couple', 'week', 'go', 'girlfriend', 'come', 'say', 'hey', 'may', 'sound', 'weird', 'want', 'hang', 'girl', 'anymore', 'spending', 'lot', 'time', 'honestly', 'little', 'jealous', 'want', 'spend', 'time', 'tell', 'well', 'listen', 'try', 'talk', 'like', 'like', 'hang', 'great', 'say', 'well', 'alright', 'guess', 'give', 'shot', 'try', 'talk', 'tomorrow', 'next', 'day', 'girlfriend', 'come', 'say', 'uh', 'yeah', 'ca', 'see', 'girl', 'ever', 'wait', 'happened', 'yeah', 'told', 'ever', 'go', 'near', 'going', 'kill', 'think', 'overreacting', 'little', 'bit', 'seem', 'like', 'type', 'person', 'told', 'quote', 'going', 'fucking', 'murder', 'ca', 'imagine', 'serious', 'try', 'straighten', 'go', 'talk', 'tomorrow', 'go', 'house', 'next', 'day', 'give', 'little', 'knock', 'door', 'nobody', 'answer', 'try', 'doorbell', 'nothing', 'give', 'call', 'text', 'answer', 'call', 'girlfriend', 'try', 'tell', 'try', 'tomorrow', 'answer', 'go', 'house', 'knock', 'door', 'still', 'answer', 'next', 'day', 'knock', 'knock', 'answer', 'know', 'going', 'day', 'day', 'go', 'eventually', 'week', 'week', 'getting', 'nothing', 'put', 'missing', 'person', 'nothing', 'turn', 'call', 'family', 'friend', 'know', 'nothing', 'week', 'give', 'turn', 'news', 'one', 'day', 'see', 'girl', 'getting', 'carried', 'away', 'handcuff', 'covered', 'blood', 'head', 'toe', 'screaming', 'yelling', 'camera', 'saying', 'dead', 'next', 'couple', 'day', 'go', 'autopsy', 'report', 'coming', 'internet', 'apparently', 'kill', 'gorgeous', 'girlfriend', 'part', 'missing', 'chunk', 'arm', 'leg', 'gone', 'seems', 'girl', 'ate', 'part', 'girlfriend', 'bit', 'chewed', 'thinking', 'two', 'amazing', 'girl', 'life', 'worried', 'mind', 'ca', 'get', 'image', 'head', 'screaming', 'camera', 'saying', 'dead', 'next', 'dead', 'next', 'going', 'crazy', 'screaming', 'writing', 'blood', 'wall', 'dead', 'next', 'dead', 'next', 'know', 'anymore', 'raise', 'question', 'afraid']","['girlfriend', 'joke']","['recently', 'moved', 'new', 'neighborhood', 'pretty', 'nice', 'area', 'couple', 'week', 'moving', 'truck', 'pull', 'realize', 'new', 'girl', 'living', 'house', 'next', 'walk', 'notice', 'good', 'neighbor', 'go', 'ask', 'hey', 'see', 'help', 'need', 'help', 'moving', 'box', 'inside', 'keep', 'mind', 'like', 'good', 'day', 'girl', 'easy', 'like', 'girl', 'easily', 'supermodel', 'ask', 'need', 'help', 'look', 'dead', 'eye', 'nastiest', 'grimace', 'face', 'say', 'uh', 'thanks', 'good', 'well', 'problem', 'need', 'anything', 'give', 'little', 'knock', 'door', 'come', 'couple', 'day', 'go', 'failed', 'attempt', 'girl', 'dumb', 'small', 'chihuahua', 'jump', 'fence', 'get', 'yard', 'thinking', 'ok', 'cranky', 'girl', 'round', 'let', 'go', 'got', 'take', 'dumb', 'dog', 'bring', 'house', 'give', 'door', 'knock', 'open', 'door', 'biggest', 'smile', 'say', 'oh', 'god', 'thank', 'much', 'know', 'would', 'without', 'like', 'family', 'sorry', 'mean', 'day', 'bad', 'day', 'took', 'sorry', 'please', 'let', 'make', 'take', 'dinner', 'humbly', 'accept', 'end', 'going', 'dinner', 'night', 'much', 'common', 'like', 'video', 'game', 'anime', 'white', 'girl', 'stuff', 'like', 'makeup', 'starbucks', 'shit', 'good', 'time', 'mean', 'girl', 'way', 'league', 'complain', 'hang', 'frequently', 'visit', 'visit', 'good', 'relationship', 'extremely', 'hot', 'chick', 'couple', 'week', 'go', 'continue', 'see', 'moving', 'truck', 'come', 'direction', 'go', 'greet', 'new', 'neighbor', 'see', 'cute', 'girl', 'come', 'moving', 'truck', 'girl', 'cute', 'supermodel', 'hot', 'cute', 'would', 'say', 'like', 'go', 'say', 'hey', 'see', 'help', 'moving', 'stuff', 'ok', 'help', 'luckily', 'say', 'yeah', 'sure', 'um', 'take', 'box', 'put', 'living', 'room', 'first', 'room', 'right', 'ca', 'miss', 'go', 'pick', 'box', 'realize', 'labeled', 'video', 'game', 'box', 'taped', 'well', 'peek', 'box', 'seeing', 'serious', 'video', 'game', 'seeing', 'final', 'fantasy', 'black', 'label', 'mint', 'copy', 'illusion', 'gaia', 'like', 'girl', 'even', 'know', 'game', 'ask', 'hey', 'box', 'boyfriend', 'stuff', 'responds', 'boyfriend', 'stuff', 'mine', 'make', 'sure', 'drop', 'know', 'girl', 'actually', 'coolest', 'girl', 'ever', 'help', 'girl', 'move', 'stuff', 'hang', 'afterwards', 'go', 'lunch', 'hit', 'ended', 'talking', 'video', 'game', 'whole', 'time', 'amazing', 'friend', 'talk', 'nerd', 'shit', 'forget', 'cute', 'hell', 'also', 'girlfriend', 'right', 'living', 'dream', 'couple', 'week', 'go', 'girlfriend', 'come', 'say', 'hey', 'may', 'sound', 'weird', 'want', 'hang', 'girl', 'anymore', 'spending', 'lot', 'time', 'honestly', 'little', 'jealous', 'want', 'spend', 'time', 'tell', 'well', 'listen', 'try', 'talk', 'like', 'like', 'hang', 'great', 'say', 'well', 'alright', 'guess', 'give', 'shot', 'try', 'talk', 'tomorrow', 'next', 'day', 'girlfriend', 'come', 'say', 'uh', 'yeah', 'ca', 'see', 'girl', 'ever', 'wait', 'happened', 'yeah', 'told', 'ever', 'go', 'near', 'going', 'kill', 'think', 'overreacting', 'little', 'bit', 'seem', 'like', 'type', 'person', 'told', 'quote', 'going', 'fucking', 'murder', 'ca', 'imagine', 'serious', 'try', 'straighten', 'go', 'talk', 'tomorrow', 'go', 'house', 'next', 'day', 'give', 'little', 'knock', 'door', 'nobody', 'answer', 'try', 'doorbell', 'nothing', 'give', 'call', 'text', 'answer', 'call', 'girlfriend', 'try', 'tell', 'try', 'tomorrow', 'answer', 'go', 'house', 'knock', 'door', 'still', 'answer', 'next', 'day', 'knock', 'knock', 'answer', 'know', 'going', 'day', 'day', 'go', 'eventually', 'week', 'week', 'getting', 'nothing', 'put', 'missing', 'person', 'nothing', 'turn', 'call', 'family', 'friend', 'know', 'nothing', 'week', 'give', 'turn', 'news', 'one', 'day', 'see', 'girl', 'getting', 'carried', 'away', 'handcuff', 'covered', 'blood', 'head', 'toe', 'screaming', 'yelling', 'camera', 'saying', 'dead', 'next', 'couple', 'day', 'go', 'autopsy', 'report', 'coming', 'internet', 'apparently', 'kill', 'gorgeous', 'girlfriend', 'part', 'missing', 'chunk', 'arm', 'leg', 'gone', 'seems', 'girl', 'ate', 'part', 'girlfriend', 'bit', 'chewed', 'thinking', 'two', 'amazing', 'girl', 'life', 'worried', 'mind', 'ca', 'get', 'image', 'head', 'screaming', 'camera', 'saying', 'dead', 'next', 'dead', 'next', 'going', 'crazy', 'screaming', 'writing', 'blood', 'wall', 'dead', 'next', 'dead', 'next', 'know', 'anymore', 'raise', 'question', 'afraid', 'girlfriend', 'joke']",500
"A perfect 10, but completely imaginary.",3r7zed,18251,My girlfriend is like the square root of -100,"['perfect', 'completely', 'imaginary']","['girlfriend', 'like', 'square', 'root']","['perfect', 'completely', 'imaginary', 'girlfriend', 'like', 'square', 'root']",7
"At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. 

""Dad!"" she exclaimed in a panic ""...I'm sorry""

The dad being a dad replies ""hi sorry, I'm Dad!""

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks ""Are you fucking sorry?""",47kx6t,18229,A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend,"['parent', 'house', 'father', 'woken', 'noise', 'go', 'upstairs', 'check', 'walk', 'dad', 'exclaimed', 'panic', 'sorry', 'dad', 'dad', 'reply', 'hi', 'sorry', 'dad', 'turn', 'boyfriend', 'asks', 'fucking', 'sorry']","['teenage', 'girl', 'intimate', 'boyfriend']","['parent', 'house', 'father', 'woken', 'noise', 'go', 'upstairs', 'check', 'walk', 'dad', 'exclaimed', 'panic', 'sorry', 'dad', 'dad', 'reply', 'hi', 'sorry', 'dad', 'turn', 'boyfriend', 'asks', 'fucking', 'sorry', 'teenage', 'girl', 'intimate', 'boyfriend']",28
"After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

""It's simple"" billionaire boasts...
""I faked my age""

""Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?"" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
""85 years old""",4uvdxp,18217,A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..,"['honeymoon', 'throw', 'party', 'celebrating', 'marriage', 'drink', 'billionaire', 'friend', 'want', 'know', 'secret', 'landed', 'yo', 'hottie', 'simple', 'billionaire', 'boast', 'faked', 'age', 'yes', 'even', 'year', 'old', 'guy', 'sensational', 'age', 'btw', 'tell', 'friend', 'asks', 'smile', 'lip', 'billionaire', 'responds', 'year', 'old']","['year', 'old', 'billionaire', 'marries', 'hot', 'year', 'old', 'girl']","['honeymoon', 'throw', 'party', 'celebrating', 'marriage', 'drink', 'billionaire', 'friend', 'want', 'know', 'secret', 'landed', 'yo', 'hottie', 'simple', 'billionaire', 'boast', 'faked', 'age', 'yes', 'even', 'year', 'old', 'guy', 'sensational', 'age', 'btw', 'tell', 'friend', 'asks', 'smile', 'lip', 'billionaire', 'responds', 'year', 'old', 'year', 'old', 'billionaire', 'marries', 'hot', 'year', 'old', 'girl']",44
"Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
""What do you think we should do?"" she asks.
Father frowns and responds ""Well I guess spanking him is out of the question""",4smxjj,18194,Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.,"['call', 'husband', 'room', 'show', 'discus', 'think', 'asks', 'father', 'frown', 'responds', 'well', 'guess', 'spanking', 'question']","['mom', 'find', 'large', 'number', 'bdsm', 'magazine', 'beneath', 'son', 'bed']","['call', 'husband', 'room', 'show', 'discus', 'think', 'asks', 'father', 'frown', 'responds', 'well', 'guess', 'spanking', 'question', 'mom', 'find', 'large', 'number', 'bdsm', 'magazine', 'beneath', 'son', 'bed']",23
"... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists

EDIT: Almost 4 years on Reddit and I´m finally a faget! Yay!!
EDIT2: Wow, thanks u/lordzxil for the gold!",3t06w4,18032,"So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS","['ironic', 'virgin', 'attacking', 'terrorist', 'edit', 'almost', 'year', 'reddit', 'finally', 'faget', 'yay', 'wow', 'thanks', 'gold']","['anonymous', 'declared', 'war', 'isi']","['ironic', 'virgin', 'attacking', 'terrorist', 'edit', 'almost', 'year', 'reddit', 'finally', 'faget', 'yay', 'wow', 'thanks', 'gold', 'anonymous', 'declared', 'war', 'isi']",18
For Hispanic attacks. ,4tkbft,18000,Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?,"['hispanic', 'attack']","['donald', 'trump', 'take', 'xanax']","['hispanic', 'attack', 'donald', 'trump', 'take', 'xanax']",6
"But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.",5qy146,17976,My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...,"['gon', 'na', 'sex', 'going', 'accord']","['girlfriend', 'tried', 'make', 'sex', 'hood', 'honda', 'civic']","['gon', 'na', 'sex', 'going', 'accord', 'girlfriend', 'tried', 'make', 'sex', 'hood', 'honda', 'civic']",12
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.,49o14n,17973,I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...,"['like', 'see', 'med', 'student', 'calling', 'doctor', 'art', 'student', 'calling', 'unemployed']","['hate', 'engineering', 'student', 'refer', 'engineer']","['like', 'see', 'med', 'student', 'calling', 'doctor', 'art', 'student', 'calling', 'unemployed', 'hate', 'engineering', 'student', 'refer', 'engineer']",15
"A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'",5tvmme,17972,Putting it in.,"['married', 'irishman', 'went', 'confessional', 'said', 'priest', 'almost', 'affair', 'another', 'woman', 'priest', 'said', 'mean', 'almost', 'irishman', 'said', 'got', 'undressed', 'rubbed', 'together', 'stopped', 'priest', 'said', 'together', 'putting', 'see', 'woman', 'penance', 'say', 'five', 'hail', 'mary', 'put', 'poor', 'box', 'irishman', 'left', 'confessional', 'said', 'prayer', 'walked', 'poor', 'box', 'paused', 'moment', 'started', 'leave', 'priest', 'watching', 'quickly', 'ran', 'saying', 'saw', 'put', 'money', 'poor', 'box', 'irishman', 'replied', 'rubbed', 'box', 'according', 'putting']",['putting'],"['married', 'irishman', 'went', 'confessional', 'said', 'priest', 'almost', 'affair', 'another', 'woman', 'priest', 'said', 'mean', 'almost', 'irishman', 'said', 'got', 'undressed', 'rubbed', 'together', 'stopped', 'priest', 'said', 'together', 'putting', 'see', 'woman', 'penance', 'say', 'five', 'hail', 'mary', 'put', 'poor', 'box', 'irishman', 'left', 'confessional', 'said', 'prayer', 'walked', 'poor', 'box', 'paused', 'moment', 'started', 'leave', 'priest', 'watching', 'quickly', 'ran', 'saying', 'saw', 'put', 'money', 'poor', 'box', 'irishman', 'replied', 'rubbed', 'box', 'according', 'putting', 'putting']",64
"The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.

They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, ""So? Did you talk?""

""How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?""",4pxwn7,17963,"There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.","['british', 'began', 'torturing', 'german', 'long', 'hour', 'silence', 'infected', 'bloodcurdling', 'scream', 'talked', 'sent', 'back', 'prison', 'ashamed', 'told', 'others', 'done', 'urged', 'stronger', 'next', 'began', 'torturing', 'japanese', 'man', 'pain', 'agony', 'stayed', 'strong', 'three', 'day', 'end', 'talked', 'sent', 'back', 'prison', 'brought', 'shame', 'family', 'country', 'finally', 'sent', 'italian', 'unending', 'three', 'week', 'tortured', 'realized', 'anything', 'else', 'poor', 'man', 'would', 'die', 'sent', 'back', 'got', 'back', 'prison', 'cell', 'bloody', 'battered', 'pow', 'asked', 'talk', 'could', 'talk', 'hand', 'tied', 'behind', 'back']","['three', 'pow', 'together', 'british', 'prison', 'second', 'world', 'war', 'german', 'japanese', 'italian']","['british', 'began', 'torturing', 'german', 'long', 'hour', 'silence', 'infected', 'bloodcurdling', 'scream', 'talked', 'sent', 'back', 'prison', 'ashamed', 'told', 'others', 'done', 'urged', 'stronger', 'next', 'began', 'torturing', 'japanese', 'man', 'pain', 'agony', 'stayed', 'strong', 'three', 'day', 'end', 'talked', 'sent', 'back', 'prison', 'brought', 'shame', 'family', 'country', 'finally', 'sent', 'italian', 'unending', 'three', 'week', 'tortured', 'realized', 'anything', 'else', 'poor', 'man', 'would', 'die', 'sent', 'back', 'got', 'back', 'prison', 'cell', 'bloody', 'battered', 'pow', 'asked', 'talk', 'could', 'talk', 'hand', 'tied', 'behind', 'back', 'three', 'pow', 'together', 'british', 'prison', 'second', 'world', 'war', 'german', 'japanese', 'italian']",82
"Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. ""Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me."" he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. ""Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?"" ""Oh,"" Satan says, ""that´s for the Christians, they want it that way.""",4p4uhe,17895,A guy dies and wakes up on a beach.,"['nice', 'weather', 'hot', 'girl', 'playing', 'beach', 'volleyball', 'barbeque', 'everywhere', 'laughter', 'joy', 'sudden', 'satan', 'come', 'welcome', 'hell', 'enjoy', 'drink', 'hamburger', 'check', 'area', 'need', 'anything', 'question', 'feel', 'free', 'ask', 'say', 'guy', 'walk', 'along', 'beach', 'drink', 'nice', 'girl', 'walk', 'hill', 'see', 'hole', 'ground', 'full', 'tormented', 'people', 'flame', 'rising', 'hole', 'guy', 'run', 'towards', 'beach', 'find', 'satan', 'hey', 'found', 'hole', 'people', 'tormented', 'oh', 'satan', 'say', 'christian', 'want', 'way']","['guy', 'dy', 'wake', 'beach']","['nice', 'weather', 'hot', 'girl', 'playing', 'beach', 'volleyball', 'barbeque', 'everywhere', 'laughter', 'joy', 'sudden', 'satan', 'come', 'welcome', 'hell', 'enjoy', 'drink', 'hamburger', 'check', 'area', 'need', 'anything', 'question', 'feel', 'free', 'ask', 'say', 'guy', 'walk', 'along', 'beach', 'drink', 'nice', 'girl', 'walk', 'hill', 'see', 'hole', 'ground', 'full', 'tormented', 'people', 'flame', 'rising', 'hole', 'guy', 'run', 'towards', 'beach', 'find', 'satan', 'hey', 'found', 'hole', 'people', 'tormented', 'oh', 'satan', 'say', 'christian', 'want', 'way', 'guy', 'dy', 'wake', 'beach']",67
"“Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.” ",5s09lq,17861,I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!,"['wow', 'dad', 'millionaire', 'always', 'wanted']","['want', 'millionaire', 'like', 'dad']","['wow', 'dad', 'millionaire', 'always', 'wanted', 'want', 'millionaire', 'like', 'dad']",9
"Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Her: To get to the ugly guy's house.
Me:???
Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: It's the chicken!",2propg,17800,Joke from my daughter,"['chicken', 'cross', 'road', 'get', 'ugly', 'guy', 'house', 'knock', 'knock', 'chicken']","['joke', 'daughter']","['chicken', 'cross', 'road', 'get', 'ugly', 'guy', 'house', 'knock', 'knock', 'chicken', 'joke', 'daughter']",12
It means a lot.,4f6e6i,17748,"Thanks for explaining the word ""many"" to me.","['mean', 'lot']","['thanks', 'explaining', 'word', 'many']","['mean', 'lot', 'thanks', 'explaining', 'word', 'many']",6
"A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.

He turned his lights on, then off.

He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.

He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.

The cop was dumbfounded.

'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.

'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the DD...Designated Decoy.'

__________________________________


Edit: Those who think he can still get arrested.. I know it guys. Don't take it literally. Its a JOKE.

Sometimes it might actually happen, right? Just enjoy possibility. :)",4t4bov,17728,"Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?","['cop', 'waited', 'outside', 'popular', 'pub', 'hoping', 'nab', 'closing', 'time', 'everyone', 'came', 'spotted', 'potential', 'quarry', 'man', 'obviously', 'inebriated', 'could', 'barely', 'walk', 'stumbled', 'around', 'parking', 'lot', 'minute', 'looking', 'car', 'trying', 'key', 'five', 'others', 'finally', 'found', 'vehicle', 'sat', 'car', 'good', 'minute', 'pub', 'patron', 'left', 'turned', 'light', 'started', 'pull', 'forward', 'grass', 'stopped', 'finally', 'last', 'car', 'pulled', 'onto', 'road', 'started', 'drive', 'away', 'cop', 'waiting', 'turned', 'light', 'pulled', 'man', 'administered', 'breathalyzer', 'test', 'great', 'surprise', 'man', 'easily', 'passed', 'cop', 'dumbfounded', 'equipment', 'must', 'broken', 'exclaimed', 'policeman', 'doubt', 'said', 'man', 'dd', 'designated', 'decoy', 'edit', 'think', 'still', 'get', 'arrested', 'know', 'guy', 'take', 'literally', 'joke', 'sometimes', 'might', 'actually', 'happen', 'right', 'enjoy', 'possibility']","['excuse', 'sir', 'much', 'drink', 'tonight']","['cop', 'waited', 'outside', 'popular', 'pub', 'hoping', 'nab', 'closing', 'time', 'everyone', 'came', 'spotted', 'potential', 'quarry', 'man', 'obviously', 'inebriated', 'could', 'barely', 'walk', 'stumbled', 'around', 'parking', 'lot', 'minute', 'looking', 'car', 'trying', 'key', 'five', 'others', 'finally', 'found', 'vehicle', 'sat', 'car', 'good', 'minute', 'pub', 'patron', 'left', 'turned', 'light', 'started', 'pull', 'forward', 'grass', 'stopped', 'finally', 'last', 'car', 'pulled', 'onto', 'road', 'started', 'drive', 'away', 'cop', 'waiting', 'turned', 'light', 'pulled', 'man', 'administered', 'breathalyzer', 'test', 'great', 'surprise', 'man', 'easily', 'passed', 'cop', 'dumbfounded', 'equipment', 'must', 'broken', 'exclaimed', 'policeman', 'doubt', 'said', 'man', 'dd', 'designated', 'decoy', 'edit', 'think', 'still', 'get', 'arrested', 'know', 'guy', 'take', 'literally', 'joke', 'sometimes', 'might', 'actually', 'happen', 'right', 'enjoy', 'possibility', 'excuse', 'sir', 'much', 'drink', 'tonight']",106
"An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.",4q355h,17596,"An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...","['englishman', 'scotsman', 'irishman', 'walk', 'bar', 'englishman', 'wanted', 'go', 'leave']","['englishman', 'scotsman', 'irishman', 'walk', 'bar']","['englishman', 'scotsman', 'irishman', 'walk', 'bar', 'englishman', 'wanted', 'go', 'leave', 'englishman', 'scotsman', 'irishman', 'walk', 'bar']",14
"They should rename ""karma"" to ""creddit"" 

They should also rename the ""share"" button to ""spreaddit"" 

They should then also rename the ""delete"" button to ""shreddit"" 

But they don't, and I don't geddit
   
       

* Eddit: Wow, I did not expect to get gold for that one. Thank you all!",4rg86q,17512,Karma is a weird name...,"['rename', 'karma', 'creddit', 'also', 'rename', 'share', 'button', 'spreaddit', 'also', 'rename', 'delete', 'button', 'shreddit', 'geddit', 'eddit', 'wow', 'expect', 'get', 'gold', 'one', 'thank']","['karma', 'weird', 'name']","['rename', 'karma', 'creddit', 'also', 'rename', 'share', 'button', 'spreaddit', 'also', 'rename', 'delete', 'button', 'shreddit', 'geddit', 'eddit', 'wow', 'expect', 'get', 'gold', 'one', 'thank', 'karma', 'weird', 'name']",24
,3nl79d,17485,"If a woman sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut. But if a guy does the same thing, then he's gay.",[],"['woman', 'sleep', 'bunch', 'guy', 'slut', 'guy', 'thing', 'gay']","['woman', 'sleep', 'bunch', 'guy', 'slut', 'guy', 'thing', 'gay']",8
"Dear Sir,

We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...",31w4s1,17331,What's a pirate's least favourite letter?,"['dear', 'sir', 'writing', 'violated', 'copyright']","['pirate', 'least', 'favourite', 'letter']","['dear', 'sir', 'writing', 'violated', 'copyright', 'pirate', 'least', 'favourite', 'letter']",9
Orange will be the new Black. ,4xdxwo,17321,"If Trump replaces Obama as president,","['orange', 'new', 'black']","['trump', 'replaces', 'obama', 'president']","['orange', 'new', 'black', 'trump', 'replaces', 'obama', 'president']",7
"....what happens next will shock you.""",4dl0nl,17321,"Court decision: ""I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......","['happens', 'next', 'shock']","['court', 'decision', 'hereby', 'find', 'guilty', 'clickbait', 'sentence', 'death', 'electric', 'chair']","['happens', 'next', 'shock', 'court', 'decision', 'hereby', 'find', 'guilty', 'clickbait', 'sentence', 'death', 'electric', 'chair']",13
"after a moment of awkward silence, I said: ""Well I guess you should have been there"".",4i5p7u,17289,I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh.,"['moment', 'awkward', 'silence', 'said', 'well', 'guess']","['told', 'god', 'holocaust', 'joke', 'laugh']","['moment', 'awkward', 'silence', 'said', 'well', 'guess', 'told', 'god', 'holocaust', 'joke', 'laugh']",11
"Riceless

Edit: Just got back from incubating eggs to find out my brother now knows my username.Thank you. ",4urg3l,17194,Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:,"['riceless', 'edit', 'got', 'back', 'incubating', 'egg', 'find', 'brother', 'know']","['chinese', 'takeout', 'price', 'gas', 'get', 'making', 'way', 'home', 'realizing', 'forgot', 'one', 'container']","['riceless', 'edit', 'got', 'back', 'incubating', 'egg', 'find', 'brother', 'know', 'chinese', 'takeout', 'price', 'gas', 'get', 'making', 'way', 'home', 'realizing', 'forgot', 'one', 'container']",21
"One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists  in the world.

On the way there, he tells his driver, that looks a bit like him, ""I'm sick of all these conferences, I always say the same things over and over!""

The drivers agrees, ""You're right, as your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.""

""That's a great idea!"" says Einstein ""Lets switch places then!""

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein, goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone and thought of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn't be able to respond. 

So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. 

The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eyes and says : ""Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me.""",4knoq9,17080,"One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world...","['one', 'day', 'einstein', 'give', 'conference', 'top', 'scientist', 'world', 'way', 'tell', 'driver', 'look', 'bit', 'like', 'sick', 'conference', 'always', 'say', 'thing', 'driver', 'agrees', 'right', 'driver', 'attended', 'even', 'though', 'know', 'anything', 'science', 'could', 'give', 'conference', 'place', 'great', 'idea', 'say', 'einstein', 'let', 'switch', 'place', 'switch', 'clothes', 'soon', 'arrive', 'driver', 'dressed', 'einstein', 'go', 'stage', 'start', 'giving', 'usual', 'speech', 'real', 'einstein', 'dressed', 'car', 'driver', 'attends', 'crowd', 'one', 'scientist', 'wanted', 'impress', 'everyone', 'thought', 'difficult', 'question', 'ask', 'einstein', 'hoping', 'would', 'able', 'respond', 'guy', 'stand', 'interrupt', 'conference', 'posing', 'difficult', 'question', 'whole', 'room', 'go', 'silent', 'holding', 'breath', 'waiting', 'response', 'driver', 'look', 'dead', 'eye', 'say', 'sir', 'question', 'easy', 'answer', 'going', 'let', 'driver', 'reply']","['one', 'day', 'einstein', 'give', 'conference', 'top', 'scientist', 'world']","['one', 'day', 'einstein', 'give', 'conference', 'top', 'scientist', 'world', 'way', 'tell', 'driver', 'look', 'bit', 'like', 'sick', 'conference', 'always', 'say', 'thing', 'driver', 'agrees', 'right', 'driver', 'attended', 'even', 'though', 'know', 'anything', 'science', 'could', 'give', 'conference', 'place', 'great', 'idea', 'say', 'einstein', 'let', 'switch', 'place', 'switch', 'clothes', 'soon', 'arrive', 'driver', 'dressed', 'einstein', 'go', 'stage', 'start', 'giving', 'usual', 'speech', 'real', 'einstein', 'dressed', 'car', 'driver', 'attends', 'crowd', 'one', 'scientist', 'wanted', 'impress', 'everyone', 'thought', 'difficult', 'question', 'ask', 'einstein', 'hoping', 'would', 'able', 'respond', 'guy', 'stand', 'interrupt', 'conference', 'posing', 'difficult', 'question', 'whole', 'room', 'go', 'silent', 'holding', 'breath', 'waiting', 'response', 'driver', 'look', 'dead', 'eye', 'say', 'sir', 'question', 'easy', 'answer', 'going', 'let', 'driver', 'reply', 'one', 'day', 'einstein', 'give', 'conference', 'top', 'scientist', 'world']",110
"""Gee, thanks, Grandpa!""

""Why are you calling me Grandpa?""

""Because I couldn't find it yesterday.""",4sjkh8,17011,"""Son, I found a condom in your room""","['gee', 'thanks', 'grandpa', 'calling', 'grandpa', 'could', 'find', 'yesterday']","['son', 'found', 'condom', 'room']","['gee', 'thanks', 'grandpa', 'calling', 'grandpa', 'could', 'find', 'yesterday', 'son', 'found', 'condom', 'room']",12
"""That's all well and good"", I replied, ""but until you fix it I'm not buying the car.""






Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
Edit: someone said the website is banned on Reddit-I don't know whether it is or not but I took it off to be safe.",4xubry,16911,"""When one door closes, another opens"", he said.","['well', 'good', 'replied', 'fix', 'buying', 'car', 'unfortunately', 'site', 'got', 'joke', 'many', 'month', 'ago', 'ca', 'give', 'credit', 'deserve', 'different', 'site', 'anyway', 'edit', 'someone', 'said', 'website', 'banned', 'know', 'whether', 'took', 'safe']","['one', 'door', 'close', 'another', 'open', 'said']","['well', 'good', 'replied', 'fix', 'buying', 'car', 'unfortunately', 'site', 'got', 'joke', 'many', 'month', 'ago', 'ca', 'give', 'credit', 'deserve', 'different', 'site', 'anyway', 'edit', 'someone', 'said', 'website', 'banned', 'know', 'whether', 'took', 'safe', 'one', 'door', 'close', 'another', 'open', 'said']",35
"She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, ""Why so cheap?"" The owner says ""This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things."" The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is ""Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking."" The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says ""New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight."" The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says ""Hey Jim.""",4z0ffr,16857,A lady walks into a pet store...,"['see', 'beautiful', 'parrot', 'sign', 'cage', 'obo', 'lady', 'asks', 'pet', 'shop', 'owner', 'cheap', 'owner', 'say', 'bird', 'used', 'live', 'brothel', 'say', 'lot', 'inappropriate', 'thing', 'lady', 'ca', 'pas', 'deal', 'decides', 'get', 'bird', 'anyway', 'get', 'bird', 'home', 'first', 'thing', 'bird', 'say', 'finally', 'cleaned', 'dump', 'new', 'madam', 'bad', 'looking', 'lady', 'find', 'amusing', 'two', 'teen', 'daughter', 'get', 'home', 'bird', 'say', 'new', 'whore', 'house', 'business', 'booming', 'tonight', 'girl', 'shocked', 'laugh', 'hour', 'later', 'woman', 'husband', 'get', 'home', 'bird', 'say', 'hey', 'jim']","['lady', 'walk', 'pet', 'store']","['see', 'beautiful', 'parrot', 'sign', 'cage', 'obo', 'lady', 'asks', 'pet', 'shop', 'owner', 'cheap', 'owner', 'say', 'bird', 'used', 'live', 'brothel', 'say', 'lot', 'inappropriate', 'thing', 'lady', 'ca', 'pas', 'deal', 'decides', 'get', 'bird', 'anyway', 'get', 'bird', 'home', 'first', 'thing', 'bird', 'say', 'finally', 'cleaned', 'dump', 'new', 'madam', 'bad', 'looking', 'lady', 'find', 'amusing', 'two', 'teen', 'daughter', 'get', 'home', 'bird', 'say', 'new', 'whore', 'house', 'business', 'booming', 'tonight', 'girl', 'shocked', 'laugh', 'hour', 'later', 'woman', 'husband', 'get', 'home', 'bird', 'say', 'hey', 'jim', 'lady', 'walk', 'pet', 'store']",77
"I replied, ""Dude, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want.""",5sfwmc,16824,A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printer was,"['replied', 'dude', 'use', 'printer', 'want']","['black', 'guy', 'library', 'asked', 'colored', 'printer']","['replied', 'dude', 'use', 'printer', 'want', 'black', 'guy', 'library', 'asked', 'colored', 'printer']",11
"They both feel good until you look down and realize you're gay.

TAKE THAT CROC LOBBY #againstbigcroc 

I understand if I get downvoted. ",4i0jrx,16790,What does wearing crocs and getting a blowjob from a man have in common?,"['feel', 'good', 'look', 'realize', 'gay', 'take', 'croc', 'lobby', 'againstbigcroc', 'understand', 'get', 'downvoted']","['wearing', 'crocs', 'getting', 'blowjob', 'man', 'common']","['feel', 'good', 'look', 'realize', 'gay', 'take', 'croc', 'lobby', 'againstbigcroc', 'understand', 'get', 'downvoted', 'wearing', 'crocs', 'getting', 'blowjob', 'man', 'common']",18
"A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, ""Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?"" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes."" Eventually the lady asks, ""Aren't you gonna bite them?"" He replies, ""No, it's too expensive.""",3vf4y0,16748,"A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, ""Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?"" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse.","['man', 'saw', 'lady', 'big', 'breast', 'asked', 'excuse', 'bite', 'breast', 'agrees', 'go', 'secluded', 'corner', 'open', 'blouse', 'man', 'put', 'face', 'breast', 'minute', 'eventually', 'lady', 'asks', 'gon', 'na', 'bite', 'reply', 'expensive']","['man', 'saw', 'lady', 'big', 'breast', 'asked', 'excuse', 'bite', 'breast', 'agrees', 'go', 'secluded', 'corner', 'open', 'blouse']","['man', 'saw', 'lady', 'big', 'breast', 'asked', 'excuse', 'bite', 'breast', 'agrees', 'go', 'secluded', 'corner', 'open', 'blouse', 'man', 'put', 'face', 'breast', 'minute', 'eventually', 'lady', 'asks', 'gon', 'na', 'bite', 'reply', 'expensive', 'man', 'saw', 'lady', 'big', 'breast', 'asked', 'excuse', 'bite', 'breast', 'agrees', 'go', 'secluded', 'corner', 'open', 'blouse']",43
"""Are you kidding? Really?"" I shouted.

""Yup, get ready,"" he said. ""They'll be picking you up in about an hour.""",3hvisa,16633,"""Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted,"" my dad told me.","['kidding', 'really', 'shouted', 'yup', 'get', 'ready', 'said', 'picking', 'hour']","['son', 'wanted', 'let', 'know', 'adopted', 'dad', 'told']","['kidding', 'really', 'shouted', 'yup', 'get', 'ready', 'said', 'picking', 'hour', 'son', 'wanted', 'let', 'know', 'adopted', 'dad', 'told']",16
"She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog ""This"" so the name could be used in conversation.
One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.













Only Ninety's kids will remember This.",2wk1tp,16614,There once was a woman who had 100 children....,"['named', 'number', 'order', 'born', 'fire', 'died', 'except', 'ninety', 'ninety', 'went', 'kid', 'kind', 'loving', 'one', 'day', 'found', 'injured', 'dog', 'took', 'home', 'nursed', 'back', 'health', 'hid', 'dog', 'never', 'told', 'mother', 'afraid', 'would', 'kick', 'dog', 'fact', 'never', 'told', 'anyone', 'keep', 'arousing', 'suspicion', 'named', 'dog', 'name', 'could', 'used', 'conversation', 'one', 'day', 'ran', 'away', 'never', 'saw', 'one', 'else', 'knew', 'one', 'even', 'knew', 'dog', 'named', 'existed', 'ninety', 'kid', 'remember']","['woman', 'child']","['named', 'number', 'order', 'born', 'fire', 'died', 'except', 'ninety', 'ninety', 'went', 'kid', 'kind', 'loving', 'one', 'day', 'found', 'injured', 'dog', 'took', 'home', 'nursed', 'back', 'health', 'hid', 'dog', 'never', 'told', 'mother', 'afraid', 'would', 'kick', 'dog', 'fact', 'never', 'told', 'anyone', 'keep', 'arousing', 'suspicion', 'named', 'dog', 'name', 'could', 'used', 'conversation', 'one', 'day', 'ran', 'away', 'never', 'saw', 'one', 'else', 'knew', 'one', 'even', 'knew', 'dog', 'named', 'existed', 'ninety', 'kid', 'remember', 'woman', 'child']",65
"Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?  
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.  
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?  
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!",4xodhr,16411,Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?,"['police', 'report', 'stolen', 'credit', 'card', 'man', 'thief', 'spending', 'le', 'wife', 'police', 'reporting', 'man', 'think', 'thief', 'wife', 'started', 'using']","['police', 'report', 'stolen', 'credit', 'card']","['police', 'report', 'stolen', 'credit', 'card', 'man', 'thief', 'spending', 'le', 'wife', 'police', 'reporting', 'man', 'think', 'thief', 'wife', 'started', 'using', 'police', 'report', 'stolen', 'credit', 'card']",23
"A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. 

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ""Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."" 

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, ""What would you say is my best feature?"" 

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ""It has to be your ears.""

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ""My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?""

Clearing his throat, he stammered, ""Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me.""

Edit:  sweet front page thanks guys.  I wish I heard it coming.",4n2kpl,16368,Her best feature.... NSFW,"['teenage', 'boy', 'delivering', 'paper', 'apartment', 'house', 'stunning', 'young', 'woman', 'came', 'apartment', 'next', 'mailbox', 'wearing', 'robe', 'boy', 'smiled', 'young', 'woman', 'started', 'conversation', 'talked', 'robe', 'slipped', 'open', 'obvious', 'nothing', 'else', 'poor', 'kid', 'broke', 'sweat', 'trying', 'maintain', 'eye', 'contact', 'minute', 'flirting', 'placed', 'hand', 'arm', 'said', 'let', 'go', 'apartment', 'hear', 'someone', 'coming', 'followed', 'apartment', 'closed', 'door', 'leaned', 'allowing', 'robe', 'fall', 'completely', 'nude', 'purred', 'would', 'say', 'best', 'feature', 'flustered', 'embarrassed', 'finally', 'squeaked', 'ear', 'astounded', 'little', 'hurt', 'asked', 'ear', 'look', 'breast', 'full', 'inch', 'percent', 'natural', 'work', 'every', 'day', 'as', 'firm', 'solid', 'inch', 'waist', 'look', 'skin', 'blemish', 'anywhere', 'think', 'best', 'part', 'body', 'ear', 'clearing', 'throat', 'stammered', 'outside', 'said', 'heard', 'someone', 'coming', 'edit', 'sweet', 'front', 'page', 'thanks', 'guy', 'wish', 'heard', 'coming']","['best', 'feature', 'nsfw']","['teenage', 'boy', 'delivering', 'paper', 'apartment', 'house', 'stunning', 'young', 'woman', 'came', 'apartment', 'next', 'mailbox', 'wearing', 'robe', 'boy', 'smiled', 'young', 'woman', 'started', 'conversation', 'talked', 'robe', 'slipped', 'open', 'obvious', 'nothing', 'else', 'poor', 'kid', 'broke', 'sweat', 'trying', 'maintain', 'eye', 'contact', 'minute', 'flirting', 'placed', 'hand', 'arm', 'said', 'let', 'go', 'apartment', 'hear', 'someone', 'coming', 'followed', 'apartment', 'closed', 'door', 'leaned', 'allowing', 'robe', 'fall', 'completely', 'nude', 'purred', 'would', 'say', 'best', 'feature', 'flustered', 'embarrassed', 'finally', 'squeaked', 'ear', 'astounded', 'little', 'hurt', 'asked', 'ear', 'look', 'breast', 'full', 'inch', 'percent', 'natural', 'work', 'every', 'day', 'as', 'firm', 'solid', 'inch', 'waist', 'look', 'skin', 'blemish', 'anywhere', 'think', 'best', 'part', 'body', 'ear', 'clearing', 'throat', 'stammered', 'outside', 'said', 'heard', 'someone', 'coming', 'edit', 'sweet', 'front', 'page', 'thanks', 'guy', 'wish', 'heard', 'coming', 'best', 'feature', 'nsfw']",116
Click bait,4n49uj,16229,Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else,"['click', 'bait']","['fisherman', 'hate', 'never', 'guess', 'one', 'strange', 'item', 'us', 'catch', 'fish', 'anyone', 'else']","['click', 'bait', 'fisherman', 'hate', 'never', 'guess', 'one', 'strange', 'item', 'us', 'catch', 'fish', 'anyone', 'else']",14
She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away,5rpqie,16136,I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home,"['looked', 'ecstatic', 'picked', 'box', 'started', 'walking', 'away']","['went', 'really', 'cute', 'homeless', 'girl', 'asked', 'could', 'take', 'home']","['looked', 'ecstatic', 'picked', 'box', 'started', 'walking', 'away', 'went', 'really', 'cute', 'homeless', 'girl', 'asked', 'could', 'take', 'home']",16
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.,4xbp58,16116,TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.,"['seems', 'want', 'keep', 'alcohol', 'high', 'school']","['til', 'raised', 'minimum', 'drinking', 'age', 'arkansas']","['seems', 'want', 'keep', 'alcohol', 'high', 'school', 'til', 'raised', 'minimum', 'drinking', 'age', 'arkansas']",12
"A blonde who finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 10 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $50. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts.      
The lawyer first asks, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”  
Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”  
Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $50  
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, “What is the answer to your question?”  
Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5.",50b5ex,16098,A blonde finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on a plane..,"['blonde', 'find', 'sitting', 'next', 'lawyer', 'airplane', 'lawyer', 'keep', 'bugging', 'blonde', 'wanting', 'play', 'game', 'intelligence', 'finally', 'lawyer', 'offer', 'odds', 'say', 'every', 'time', 'blonde', 'answer', 'one', 'question', 'owes', 'every', 'time', 'answer', 'give', 'lawyer', 'figure', 'could', 'lose', 'blonde', 'reluctantly', 'accepts', 'lawyer', 'first', 'asks', 'distance', 'earth', 'nearest', 'star', 'without', 'saying', 'word', 'blonde', 'hand', 'blonde', 'asks', 'go', 'hill', 'leg', 'come', 'back', 'hill', 'leg', 'well', 'lawyer', 'puzzled', 'take', 'several', 'hour', 'looking', 'everything', 'laptop', 'even', 'placing', 'numerous', 'phone', 'call', 'trying', 'find', 'answer', 'finally', 'angry', 'frustrated', 'give', 'pay', 'blonde', 'blonde', 'put', 'purse', 'without', 'comment', 'lawyer', 'insists', 'answer', 'question', 'without', 'saying', 'word', 'blonde', 'hand']","['blonde', 'find', 'sitting', 'next', 'lawyer', 'plane']","['blonde', 'find', 'sitting', 'next', 'lawyer', 'airplane', 'lawyer', 'keep', 'bugging', 'blonde', 'wanting', 'play', 'game', 'intelligence', 'finally', 'lawyer', 'offer', 'odds', 'say', 'every', 'time', 'blonde', 'answer', 'one', 'question', 'owes', 'every', 'time', 'answer', 'give', 'lawyer', 'figure', 'could', 'lose', 'blonde', 'reluctantly', 'accepts', 'lawyer', 'first', 'asks', 'distance', 'earth', 'nearest', 'star', 'without', 'saying', 'word', 'blonde', 'hand', 'blonde', 'asks', 'go', 'hill', 'leg', 'come', 'back', 'hill', 'leg', 'well', 'lawyer', 'puzzled', 'take', 'several', 'hour', 'looking', 'everything', 'laptop', 'even', 'placing', 'numerous', 'phone', 'call', 'trying', 'find', 'answer', 'finally', 'angry', 'frustrated', 'give', 'pay', 'blonde', 'blonde', 'put', 'purse', 'without', 'comment', 'lawyer', 'insists', 'answer', 'question', 'without', 'saying', 'word', 'blonde', 'hand', 'blonde', 'find', 'sitting', 'next', 'lawyer', 'plane']",101
" There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. 

She asked the teller, ""Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?""

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ""Fluctuations. 

The Asian lady says, ""Fluck you white people too!""
",4x4wgj,16059,So I was at my bank today.,"['short', 'line', 'one', 'lady', 'front', 'asian', 'lady', 'trying', 'exchange', 'yuan', 'dollar', 'obvious', 'little', 'irritated', 'asked', 'teller', 'change', 'yesterday', 'get', 'two', 'hundred', 'dollar', 'yuan', 'today', 'get', 'hundred', 'eighty', 'change', 'teller', 'shrugged', 'shoulder', 'said', 'fluctuation', 'asian', 'lady', 'say', 'fluck', 'white', 'people']","['bank', 'today']","['short', 'line', 'one', 'lady', 'front', 'asian', 'lady', 'trying', 'exchange', 'yuan', 'dollar', 'obvious', 'little', 'irritated', 'asked', 'teller', 'change', 'yesterday', 'get', 'two', 'hundred', 'dollar', 'yuan', 'today', 'get', 'hundred', 'eighty', 'change', 'teller', 'shrugged', 'shoulder', 'said', 'fluctuation', 'asian', 'lady', 'say', 'fluck', 'white', 'people', 'bank', 'today']",41
The plot thickens.,4rmqx8,16052,"As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.","['plot', 'thickens']","['suspected', 'someone', 'adding', 'soil', 'garden']","['plot', 'thickens', 'suspected', 'someone', 'adding', 'soil', 'garden']",7
"However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'

'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams.

At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:

'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?'

'The gold.'

'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.'

'Everyone would choose what they don't have,' says the student.

The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes ""ass"" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:

'Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!'",4x1q75,16006,A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch,"['however', 'teacher', 'looked', 'student', 'arrogant', 'face', 'said', 'swan', 'sha', 'friend', 'pig', 'shall', 'fly', 'answered', 'student', 'smile', 'teacher', 'clearly', 'vexed', 'cheeky', 'reply', 'decided', 'make', 'sure', 'everything', 'power', 'fail', 'student', 'exam', 'oral', 'exam', 'gave', 'student', 'hardest', 'question', 'student', 'amazing', 'answer', 'everything', 'therefore', 'hoping', 'could', 'still', 'fail', 'victim', 'teacher', 'asked', 'trickier', 'question', 'walking', 'road', 'find', 'two', 'bag', 'one', 'contains', 'gold', 'cleverness', 'bag', 'choose', 'gold', 'agree', 'choose', 'cleverness', 'important', 'money', 'would', 'choose', 'say', 'student', 'teacher', 'turn', 'red', 'angry', 'writes', 'as', 'student', 'paper', 'student', 'leaf', 'without', 'looking', 'paper', 'however', 'return', 'shortly', 'give', 'back', 'paper', 'say', 'sir', 'sign', 'paper', 'forgot', 'give', 'grade']","['university', 'student', 'wanted', 'sit', 'next', 'one', 'teacher', 'lunch']","['however', 'teacher', 'looked', 'student', 'arrogant', 'face', 'said', 'swan', 'sha', 'friend', 'pig', 'shall', 'fly', 'answered', 'student', 'smile', 'teacher', 'clearly', 'vexed', 'cheeky', 'reply', 'decided', 'make', 'sure', 'everything', 'power', 'fail', 'student', 'exam', 'oral', 'exam', 'gave', 'student', 'hardest', 'question', 'student', 'amazing', 'answer', 'everything', 'therefore', 'hoping', 'could', 'still', 'fail', 'victim', 'teacher', 'asked', 'trickier', 'question', 'walking', 'road', 'find', 'two', 'bag', 'one', 'contains', 'gold', 'cleverness', 'bag', 'choose', 'gold', 'agree', 'choose', 'cleverness', 'important', 'money', 'would', 'choose', 'say', 'student', 'teacher', 'turn', 'red', 'angry', 'writes', 'as', 'student', 'paper', 'student', 'leaf', 'without', 'looking', 'paper', 'however', 'return', 'shortly', 'give', 'back', 'paper', 'say', 'sir', 'sign', 'paper', 'forgot', 'give', 'grade', 'university', 'student', 'wanted', 'sit', 'next', 'one', 'teacher', 'lunch']",104
"They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

 ""Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more.  Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."" 

""You foul-mouthed swine,"" retorted the lady indignantly. ""In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"" 

""Hey, coola down lady,"" said the man. ""Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 
'Mississippi'."" 



",2c2957,15996,Two Italian men get on a bus...,"['sit', 'engage', 'animated', 'conversation', 'lady', 'sitting', 'behind', 'ignores', 'first', 'attention', 'galvanized', 'hears', 'one', 'men', 'say', 'following', 'emma', 'come', 'first', 'den', 'come', 'den', 'two', 'ass', 'come', 'together', 'come', 'two', 'ass', 'come', 'together', 'come', 'pee', 'twice', 'come', 'one', 'lasta', 'time', 'swine', 'retorted', 'lady', 'indignantly', 'country', 'talk', 'sex', 'life', 'public', 'hey', 'coola', 'lady', 'said', 'man', 'talkin', 'abouta', 'sexa', 'justa', 'tellin', 'frienda', 'spella']","['two', 'italian', 'men', 'get', 'bus']","['sit', 'engage', 'animated', 'conversation', 'lady', 'sitting', 'behind', 'ignores', 'first', 'attention', 'galvanized', 'hears', 'one', 'men', 'say', 'following', 'emma', 'come', 'first', 'den', 'come', 'den', 'two', 'ass', 'come', 'together', 'come', 'two', 'ass', 'come', 'together', 'come', 'pee', 'twice', 'come', 'one', 'lasta', 'time', 'swine', 'retorted', 'lady', 'indignantly', 'country', 'talk', 'sex', 'life', 'public', 'hey', 'coola', 'lady', 'said', 'man', 'talkin', 'abouta', 'sexa', 'justa', 'tellin', 'frienda', 'spella', 'two', 'italian', 'men', 'get', 'bus']",64
"The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. 

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. 

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks. 

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’",46ae5i,15987,Grandpa was summoned for an audit.,"['irs', 'decides', 'audit', 'grandpa', 'summons', 'irs', 'office', 'irs', 'auditor', 'surprised', 'grandpa', 'showed', 'attorney', 'auditor', 'said', 'well', 'sir', 'extravagant', 'lifestyle', 'employment', 'explain', 'saying', 'win', 'money', 'gambling', 'sure', 'irs', 'find', 'great', 'gambler', 'prove', 'say', 'grandpa', 'demonstration', 'auditor', 'think', 'moment', 'say', 'okay', 'go', 'ahead', 'grandpa', 'say', 'bet', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'bite', 'auditor', 'think', 'moment', 'say', 'grandpa', 'remove', 'glass', 'eye', 'bite', 'auditor', 'jaw', 'drop', 'grandpa', 'say', 'bet', 'two', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'bite', 'auditor', 'tell', 'grandpa', 'blind', 'take', 'bet', 'grandpa', 'remove', 'denture', 'bite', 'good', 'eye', 'stunned', 'auditor', 'realizes', 'wagered', 'lost', 'three', 'grand', 'grandpa', 'attorney', 'witness', 'start', 'get', 'nervous', 'want', 'go', 'double', 'nothing', 'grandpa', 'asks', 'bet', 'six', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'stand', 'one', 'side', 'desk', 'pee', 'wastebasket', 'side', 'never', 'get', 'drop', 'anywhere', 'auditor', 'twice', 'burned', 'cautious', 'look', 'carefully', 'decides', 'way', 'old', 'guy', 'could', 'possibly', 'manage', 'stunt', 'agrees', 'grandpa', 'stand', 'beside', 'desk', 'unzips', 'pant', 'although', 'strain', 'mightily', 'make', 'stream', 'reach', 'wastebasket', 'side', 'pretty', 'much', 'urinates', 'auditor', 'desk', 'auditor', 'leap', 'joy', 'realizing', 'turned', 'major', 'loss', 'huge', 'win', 'grandpa', 'attorney', 'moan', 'put', 'head', 'hand', 'okay', 'auditor', 'asks', 'really', 'say', 'attorney', 'morning', 'grandpa', 'told', 'summoned', 'audit', 'bet', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'could', 'come', 'pee', 'desk', 'happy']","['grandpa', 'summoned', 'audit']","['irs', 'decides', 'audit', 'grandpa', 'summons', 'irs', 'office', 'irs', 'auditor', 'surprised', 'grandpa', 'showed', 'attorney', 'auditor', 'said', 'well', 'sir', 'extravagant', 'lifestyle', 'employment', 'explain', 'saying', 'win', 'money', 'gambling', 'sure', 'irs', 'find', 'great', 'gambler', 'prove', 'say', 'grandpa', 'demonstration', 'auditor', 'think', 'moment', 'say', 'okay', 'go', 'ahead', 'grandpa', 'say', 'bet', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'bite', 'auditor', 'think', 'moment', 'say', 'grandpa', 'remove', 'glass', 'eye', 'bite', 'auditor', 'jaw', 'drop', 'grandpa', 'say', 'bet', 'two', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'bite', 'auditor', 'tell', 'grandpa', 'blind', 'take', 'bet', 'grandpa', 'remove', 'denture', 'bite', 'good', 'eye', 'stunned', 'auditor', 'realizes', 'wagered', 'lost', 'three', 'grand', 'grandpa', 'attorney', 'witness', 'start', 'get', 'nervous', 'want', 'go', 'double', 'nothing', 'grandpa', 'asks', 'bet', 'six', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'stand', 'one', 'side', 'desk', 'pee', 'wastebasket', 'side', 'never', 'get', 'drop', 'anywhere', 'auditor', 'twice', 'burned', 'cautious', 'look', 'carefully', 'decides', 'way', 'old', 'guy', 'could', 'possibly', 'manage', 'stunt', 'agrees', 'grandpa', 'stand', 'beside', 'desk', 'unzips', 'pant', 'although', 'strain', 'mightily', 'make', 'stream', 'reach', 'wastebasket', 'side', 'pretty', 'much', 'urinates', 'auditor', 'desk', 'auditor', 'leap', 'joy', 'realizing', 'turned', 'major', 'loss', 'huge', 'win', 'grandpa', 'attorney', 'moan', 'put', 'head', 'hand', 'okay', 'auditor', 'asks', 'really', 'say', 'attorney', 'morning', 'grandpa', 'told', 'summoned', 'audit', 'bet', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'could', 'come', 'pee', 'desk', 'happy', 'grandpa', 'summoned', 'audit']",183
"They both contain high amounts of trans fats.

Edit: Omg guys! I didn't expect this to take off this much, thanks guys!",4vk75w,15956,What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common?,"['contain', 'high', 'amount', 'trans', 'fat', 'edit', 'omg', 'guy', 'expect', 'take', 'much', 'thanks', 'guy']","['tumblr', 'kfc', 'chicken', 'common']","['contain', 'high', 'amount', 'trans', 'fat', 'edit', 'omg', 'guy', 'expect', 'take', 'much', 'thanks', 'guy', 'tumblr', 'kfc', 'chicken', 'common']",17
Total recall,50yeda,15931,What is Samsung CEO's favorite movie,"['total', 'recall']","['samsung', 'ceo', 'favorite', 'movie']","['total', 'recall', 'samsung', 'ceo', 'favorite', 'movie']",6
I'm not letting you out.,50gyvt,15819,To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:,['letting'],"['woman', 'keep', 'pounding', 'door', 'night']","['letting', 'woman', 'keep', 'pounding', 'door', 'night']",6
"She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.

In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.",4niphi,15734,I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early.,"['told', 'use', 'back', 'door', 'quick', 'retrospect', 'left', 'every', 'day', 'get', 'offer', 'like']","['sex', 'woman', 'husband', 'came', 'home', 'early']","['told', 'use', 'back', 'door', 'quick', 'retrospect', 'left', 'every', 'day', 'get', 'offer', 'like', 'sex', 'woman', 'husband', 'came', 'home', 'early']",18
"and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, ""George, what can I do to best serve the United States?""

The ghost of George Washington responds, ""Never tell a lie.""

She says, ""Oh, I don't think I can do that.""

The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, ""Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?""

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, ""Listen to the people.""

She says, ""Oh, I don't think I can do that.""

On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, ""Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?""

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, ""Go see a play.""",45l9tf,15714,"Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .","['first', 'night', 'spends', 'white', 'house', 'visited', 'ghost', 'george', 'washington', 'asks', 'george', 'best', 'serve', 'united', 'state', 'ghost', 'george', 'washington', 'responds', 'never', 'tell', 'lie', 'say', 'oh', 'think', 'next', 'night', 'visited', 'ghost', 'thomas', 'jefferson', 'asks', 'thomas', 'best', 'serve', 'united', 'state', 'ghost', 'thomas', 'jefferson', 'responds', 'listen', 'people', 'say', 'oh', 'think', 'third', 'night', 'visited', 'ghost', 'abraham', 'lincoln', 'asks', 'abraham', 'best', 'serve', 'united', 'state', 'ghost', 'abraham', 'lincoln', 'responds', 'go', 'see', 'play']","['hillary', 'clinton', 'elected', 'president']","['first', 'night', 'spends', 'white', 'house', 'visited', 'ghost', 'george', 'washington', 'asks', 'george', 'best', 'serve', 'united', 'state', 'ghost', 'george', 'washington', 'responds', 'never', 'tell', 'lie', 'say', 'oh', 'think', 'next', 'night', 'visited', 'ghost', 'thomas', 'jefferson', 'asks', 'thomas', 'best', 'serve', 'united', 'state', 'ghost', 'thomas', 'jefferson', 'responds', 'listen', 'people', 'say', 'oh', 'think', 'third', 'night', 'visited', 'ghost', 'abraham', 'lincoln', 'asks', 'abraham', 'best', 'serve', 'united', 'state', 'ghost', 'abraham', 'lincoln', 'responds', 'go', 'see', 'play', 'hillary', 'clinton', 'elected', 'president']",69
"God said, 

""I think I'm going to call it a day.""",4vrufl,15658,"After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, ""what are you going to do now?""","['god', 'said', 'think', 'going', 'call', 'day']","['god', 'created', 'hour', 'alternating', 'darkness', 'light', 'one', 'angel', 'asked', 'going']","['god', 'said', 'think', 'going', 'call', 'day', 'god', 'created', 'hour', 'alternating', 'darkness', 'light', 'one', 'angel', 'asked', 'going']",16
If it floats:  boy ant.,2snmui,15653,You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant....,"['float', 'boy', 'ant']","['tell', 'sex', 'ant', 'dropping', 'jug', 'water', 'sink', 'girl', 'ant']","['float', 'boy', 'ant', 'tell', 'sex', 'ant', 'dropping', 'jug', 'water', 'sink', 'girl', 'ant']",12
"A ""subreddit""",4gqtpz,15613,"If a single stick is called a ""fag"", and a bundle of ""fags"" is called a ""faggot"", then what do you call a group of ""faggots""?",['subreddit'],"['single', 'stick', 'called', 'fag', 'bundle', 'fag', 'called', 'faggot', 'call', 'group', 'faggot']","['subreddit', 'single', 'stick', 'called', 'fag', 'bundle', 'fag', 'called', 'faggot', 'call', 'group', 'faggot']",12
"He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.

The man turns to her and says, ""I've been having the strangest urge at work lately.""

His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks ""What is it.""

The man sighs and says, ""I keep wanting to put my dick in the pickle slicer.""

The woman stifles a laugh tells her husband not to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

A few weeks go by, and the man only wabts to put his penis in the pickle slicer more and more, so he goes to his manager, to ask for help, and the manager refers him to an occupational therapist and gives him some time off.  Nothing helps though, the therapist refers him to a real psychologist, hoping that maybe they can cure this man's affliction.

So one day the man comes home to his wife and says with a sigh, ""Honey, I got fired today. I put my penis in the pickle slicer.""

She gasps, crying out ""oh my god! You have to go to the hospital!""

The man looks up at her, ""Oh no, I'm perfectly fine. I feel great, actually.""

His wife is now completely bewildered, ""But, bu--your peni- and the pickle slicer!?""

The man shrugs, ""Yeah, she got fired, too.""",4lqbev,15602,A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day...,"['confused', 'lost', 'look', 'face', 'wife', 'asks', 'wrong', 'man', 'turn', 'say', 'strangest', 'urge', 'work', 'lately', 'wife', 'caring', 'woman', 'asks', 'man', 'sigh', 'say', 'keep', 'wanting', 'put', 'dick', 'pickle', 'slicer', 'woman', 'stifle', 'laugh', 'tell', 'husband', 'put', 'penis', 'pickle', 'slicer', 'week', 'go', 'man', 'wabts', 'put', 'penis', 'pickle', 'slicer', 'go', 'manager', 'ask', 'help', 'manager', 'refers', 'occupational', 'therapist', 'give', 'time', 'nothing', 'help', 'though', 'therapist', 'refers', 'real', 'psychologist', 'hoping', 'maybe', 'cure', 'man', 'affliction', 'one', 'day', 'man', 'come', 'home', 'wife', 'say', 'sigh', 'honey', 'got', 'fired', 'today', 'put', 'penis', 'pickle', 'slicer', 'gasp', 'cry', 'oh', 'god', 'go', 'hospital', 'man', 'look', 'oh', 'perfectly', 'fine', 'feel', 'great', 'actually', 'wife', 'completely', 'bewildered', 'bu', 'pickle', 'slicer', 'man', 'shrug', 'yeah', 'got', 'fired']","['man', 'come', 'home', 'wife', 'job', 'relish', 'factory', 'one', 'day']","['confused', 'lost', 'look', 'face', 'wife', 'asks', 'wrong', 'man', 'turn', 'say', 'strangest', 'urge', 'work', 'lately', 'wife', 'caring', 'woman', 'asks', 'man', 'sigh', 'say', 'keep', 'wanting', 'put', 'dick', 'pickle', 'slicer', 'woman', 'stifle', 'laugh', 'tell', 'husband', 'put', 'penis', 'pickle', 'slicer', 'week', 'go', 'man', 'wabts', 'put', 'penis', 'pickle', 'slicer', 'go', 'manager', 'ask', 'help', 'manager', 'refers', 'occupational', 'therapist', 'give', 'time', 'nothing', 'help', 'though', 'therapist', 'refers', 'real', 'psychologist', 'hoping', 'maybe', 'cure', 'man', 'affliction', 'one', 'day', 'man', 'come', 'home', 'wife', 'say', 'sigh', 'honey', 'got', 'fired', 'today', 'put', 'penis', 'pickle', 'slicer', 'gasp', 'cry', 'oh', 'god', 'go', 'hospital', 'man', 'look', 'oh', 'perfectly', 'fine', 'feel', 'great', 'actually', 'wife', 'completely', 'bewildered', 'bu', 'pickle', 'slicer', 'man', 'shrug', 'yeah', 'got', 'fired', 'man', 'come', 'home', 'wife', 'job', 'relish', 'factory', 'one', 'day']",116
"For instance:   
""Ben is in a hurry.""  
""Ben is in a coma.""  ",4ir53p,15569,Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...,"['instance', 'ben', 'hurry', 'ben', 'coma']","['coma', 'really', 'change', 'meaning', 'sentence']","['instance', 'ben', 'hurry', 'ben', 'coma', 'coma', 'really', 'change', 'meaning', 'sentence']",10
"... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
",4acr33,15546,A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary,"['wearing', 'expensive', 'expertly', 'tailored', 'black', 'suit', 'mortician', 'asks', 'deceased', 'wife', 'would', 'like', 'body', 'dressed', 'pointing', 'man', 'look', 'good', 'black', 'suit', 'already', 'wearing', 'widow', 'however', 'say', 'always', 'thought', 'husband', 'looked', 'best', 'blue', 'want', 'blue', 'suit', 'give', 'mortician', 'blank', 'check', 'say', 'care', 'cost', 'please', 'husband', 'blue', 'suit', 'viewing', 'woman', 'return', 'next', 'day', 'delight', 'find', 'husband', 'dressed', 'gorgeous', 'blue', 'suit', 'subtle', 'chalk', 'stripe', 'suit', 'fit', 'perfectly', 'say', 'mortician', 'cost', 'satisfied', 'excellent', 'job', 'grateful', 'much', 'spend', 'astonishment', 'mortician', 'present', 'blank', 'check', 'charge', 'really', 'must', 'compensate', 'cost', 'exquisite', 'blue', 'suit', 'say', 'mortician', 'say', 'cost', 'nothing', 'see', 'deceased', 'gentleman', 'husband', 'size', 'brought', 'shortly', 'left', 'yesterday', 'wearing', 'attractive', 'blue', 'suit', 'asked', 'wife', 'minded', 'going', 'grave', 'wearing', 'black', 'suit', 'instead', 'said', 'made', 'difference', 'long', 'looked', 'nice', 'switched', 'head']","['man', 'died', 'delivered', 'local', 'mortuary']","['wearing', 'expensive', 'expertly', 'tailored', 'black', 'suit', 'mortician', 'asks', 'deceased', 'wife', 'would', 'like', 'body', 'dressed', 'pointing', 'man', 'look', 'good', 'black', 'suit', 'already', 'wearing', 'widow', 'however', 'say', 'always', 'thought', 'husband', 'looked', 'best', 'blue', 'want', 'blue', 'suit', 'give', 'mortician', 'blank', 'check', 'say', 'care', 'cost', 'please', 'husband', 'blue', 'suit', 'viewing', 'woman', 'return', 'next', 'day', 'delight', 'find', 'husband', 'dressed', 'gorgeous', 'blue', 'suit', 'subtle', 'chalk', 'stripe', 'suit', 'fit', 'perfectly', 'say', 'mortician', 'cost', 'satisfied', 'excellent', 'job', 'grateful', 'much', 'spend', 'astonishment', 'mortician', 'present', 'blank', 'check', 'charge', 'really', 'must', 'compensate', 'cost', 'exquisite', 'blue', 'suit', 'say', 'mortician', 'say', 'cost', 'nothing', 'see', 'deceased', 'gentleman', 'husband', 'size', 'brought', 'shortly', 'left', 'yesterday', 'wearing', 'attractive', 'blue', 'suit', 'asked', 'wife', 'minded', 'going', 'grave', 'wearing', 'black', 'suit', 'instead', 'said', 'made', 'difference', 'long', 'looked', 'nice', 'switched', 'head', 'man', 'died', 'delivered', 'local', 'mortuary']",125
"Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!",535a2y,15454,How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?,"['find', 'next', 'time', 'dragon', 'ball', 'z']","['many', 'super', 'saiyans', 'take', 'change', 'light', 'bulb']","['find', 'next', 'time', 'dragon', 'ball', 'z', 'many', 'super', 'saiyans', 'take', 'change', 'light', 'bulb']",13
"I mean the verb, not the adjective. ",4n9jmm,15435,In my spare time I help blind children.,"['mean', 'verb', 'adjective']","['spare', 'time', 'help', 'blind', 'child']","['mean', 'verb', 'adjective', 'spare', 'time', 'help', 'blind', 'child']",8
" 
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.""

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?""

He said ,""Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.""

He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,

your son

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…

Love,

Mom.",3h4vhe,15426,A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate,"['mom', 'visit', 'son', 'dinner', 'life', 'girl', 'roommate', 'course', 'meal', 'mother', 'could', 'help', 'notice', 'pretty', 'roommate', 'long', 'suspicious', 'relationship', 'two', 'made', 'curious', 'course', 'evening', 'watching', 'two', 'interact', 'started', 'wonder', 'roommate', 'met', 'eye', 'reading', 'mom', 'thought', 'son', 'volunteered', 'know', 'must', 'thinking', 'assure', 'roommate', 'week', 'later', 'roommate', 'came', 'saying', 'ever', 'since', 'mother', 'came', 'dinner', 'unable', 'find', 'silver', 'plate', 'suppose', 'took', 'said', 'well', 'doubt', 'email', 'sure', 'sat', 'wrote', 'dear', 'mother', 'saying', 'take', 'silver', 'plate', 'house', 'saying', 'take', 'silver', 'plate', 'fact', 'remains', 'missing', 'ever', 'since', 'dinner', 'love', 'son', 'several', 'day', 'later', 'received', 'email', 'mother', 'read', 'dear', 'son', 'saying', 'sleep', 'roommate', 'saying', 'sleep', 'fact', 'remains', 'sleeping', 'bed', 'would', 'found', 'silver', 'plate', 'love']","['mom', 'visit', 'son', 'dinner', 'life', 'girl', 'roommate']","['mom', 'visit', 'son', 'dinner', 'life', 'girl', 'roommate', 'course', 'meal', 'mother', 'could', 'help', 'notice', 'pretty', 'roommate', 'long', 'suspicious', 'relationship', 'two', 'made', 'curious', 'course', 'evening', 'watching', 'two', 'interact', 'started', 'wonder', 'roommate', 'met', 'eye', 'reading', 'mom', 'thought', 'son', 'volunteered', 'know', 'must', 'thinking', 'assure', 'roommate', 'week', 'later', 'roommate', 'came', 'saying', 'ever', 'since', 'mother', 'came', 'dinner', 'unable', 'find', 'silver', 'plate', 'suppose', 'took', 'said', 'well', 'doubt', 'email', 'sure', 'sat', 'wrote', 'dear', 'mother', 'saying', 'take', 'silver', 'plate', 'house', 'saying', 'take', 'silver', 'plate', 'fact', 'remains', 'missing', 'ever', 'since', 'dinner', 'love', 'son', 'several', 'day', 'later', 'received', 'email', 'mother', 'read', 'dear', 'son', 'saying', 'sleep', 'roommate', 'saying', 'sleep', 'fact', 'remains', 'sleeping', 'bed', 'would', 'found', 'silver', 'plate', 'love', 'mom', 'visit', 'son', 'dinner', 'life', 'girl', 'roommate']",113
...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...,4k89av,15405,I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...,"['could', 'avoided', 'completely', 'cowboy', 'architect', 'made', 'town', 'big', 'enough', 'everyone']","['believe', 'lot', 'conflict', 'wild', 'west']","['could', 'avoided', 'completely', 'cowboy', 'architect', 'made', 'town', 'big', 'enough', 'everyone', 'believe', 'lot', 'conflict', 'wild', 'west']",15
"She was eaten by a giant crab

Edit: Bo Burnham is my god, this joke is his, I masturbate thinking of his talent to make people laugh without stealing jokes from other people",518t2q,15385,"My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died","['eaten', 'giant', 'crab', 'edit', 'bo', 'burnham', 'god', 'joke', 'masturbate', 'thinking', 'talent', 'make', 'people', 'laugh', 'without', 'stealing', 'joke', 'people']","['aunt', 'star', 'sign', 'cancer', 'pretty', 'ironic', 'died']","['eaten', 'giant', 'crab', 'edit', 'bo', 'burnham', 'god', 'joke', 'masturbate', 'thinking', 'talent', 'make', 'people', 'laugh', 'without', 'stealing', 'joke', 'people', 'aunt', 'star', 'sign', 'cancer', 'pretty', 'ironic', 'died']",25
"They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.",4fstj9,15384,Tits are like Lego bricks.,"['kid', 'dad', 'end', 'playing']","['tit', 'like', 'lego', 'brick']","['kid', 'dad', 'end', 'playing', 'tit', 'like', 'lego', 'brick']",8
Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.,4tqzcv,15346,"Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day","['teach', 'nigerian', 'phish', 'become', 'prince']","['give', 'man', 'fish', 'eats', 'day']","['teach', 'nigerian', 'phish', 'become', 'prince', 'give', 'man', 'fish', 'eats', 'day']",10
"After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.  
  
""Let me explain,"" says the manager. ""You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do.""  
  
The priest, looks forlorn and says, ""I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men.""  
  
The doctor says, ""what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!""  
  
The engineer thinks for a moment and says, ""why can't they golf at night?""",4nxgee,15342,"A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...","['round', 'get', 'caught', 'behind', 'worst', 'group', 'golfer', 'ever', 'seen', 'growing', 'impatient', 'waiting', 'finish', 'hole', 'go', 'clubhouse', 'complain', 'let', 'explain', 'say', 'manager', 'see', 'men', 'used', 'firefighter', 'best', 'city', 'ever', 'seen', 'fire', 'clubhouse', 'five', 'year', 'ago', 'heroic', 'men', 'saved', 'clubhouse', 'fire', 'however', 'unfortunately', 'lost', 'sight', 'terrible', 'fire', 'since', 'welcome', 'use', 'facility', 'life', 'least', 'could', 'priest', 'look', 'forlorn', 'say', 'sorry', 'hear', 'hold', 'prayer', 'service', 'sunday', 'dedicated', 'men', 'doctor', 'say', 'awful', 'thing', 'know', 'optometrist', 'done', 'research', 'might', 'able', 'help', 'arrange', 'meet', 'soon', 'engineer', 'think', 'moment', 'say', 'ca', 'golf', 'night']","['doctor', 'priest', 'engineer', 'go', 'golfing']","['round', 'get', 'caught', 'behind', 'worst', 'group', 'golfer', 'ever', 'seen', 'growing', 'impatient', 'waiting', 'finish', 'hole', 'go', 'clubhouse', 'complain', 'let', 'explain', 'say', 'manager', 'see', 'men', 'used', 'firefighter', 'best', 'city', 'ever', 'seen', 'fire', 'clubhouse', 'five', 'year', 'ago', 'heroic', 'men', 'saved', 'clubhouse', 'fire', 'however', 'unfortunately', 'lost', 'sight', 'terrible', 'fire', 'since', 'welcome', 'use', 'facility', 'life', 'least', 'could', 'priest', 'look', 'forlorn', 'say', 'sorry', 'hear', 'hold', 'prayer', 'service', 'sunday', 'dedicated', 'men', 'doctor', 'say', 'awful', 'thing', 'know', 'optometrist', 'done', 'research', 'might', 'able', 'help', 'arrange', 'meet', 'soon', 'engineer', 'think', 'moment', 'say', 'ca', 'golf', 'night', 'doctor', 'priest', 'engineer', 'go', 'golfing']",90
"A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting ""Murderer!"" ""Killer ""
The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect. 

The policeman :"" Tell me what happened. ""

The suspect :""  Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to crash the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? ""

Policeman :"" No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people? ""

Suspect :"" Well that selfish guy ran towards the other 12.""",4rr6jj,15333,"A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting ""Murderer!"" ""Killer""","['mob', 'drag', 'man', 'police', 'station', 'running', 'people', 'shouting', 'murderer', 'killer', 'policeman', 'disperses', 'crowd', 'begin', 'interrogate', 'suspect', 'policeman', 'tell', 'suspect', 'sir', 'driving', 'home', 'within', 'speed', 'limit', 'brake', 'failed', 'choice', 'crash', 'car', 'group', 'people', 'swerve', 'single', 'person', 'monster', 'deciding', 'swerve', 'single', 'person', 'policeman', 'sound', 'like', 'difficult', 'yet', 'reasonable', 'decision', 'tell', 'end', 'killing', 'people', 'suspect', 'well', 'selfish', 'guy', 'ran', 'towards']","['mob', 'drag', 'man', 'police', 'station', 'running', 'people', 'shouting', 'murderer', 'killer']","['mob', 'drag', 'man', 'police', 'station', 'running', 'people', 'shouting', 'murderer', 'killer', 'policeman', 'disperses', 'crowd', 'begin', 'interrogate', 'suspect', 'policeman', 'tell', 'suspect', 'sir', 'driving', 'home', 'within', 'speed', 'limit', 'brake', 'failed', 'choice', 'crash', 'car', 'group', 'people', 'swerve', 'single', 'person', 'monster', 'deciding', 'swerve', 'single', 'person', 'policeman', 'sound', 'like', 'difficult', 'yet', 'reasonable', 'decision', 'tell', 'end', 'killing', 'people', 'suspect', 'well', 'selfish', 'guy', 'ran', 'towards', 'mob', 'drag', 'man', 'police', 'station', 'running', 'people', 'shouting', 'murderer', 'killer']",67
"My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. 

Me: ""Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?""

Son: ""No, they are fighting with their turtle hands.""

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

Edit: mutant added**

Edit 2: to those who are telling me it's not a joke, because my son doesn't understand the English language. WOW, you're right! I hadn't thought of that. I really thought he got me, but you have changed everything! My 4 year old son doesn't know the word ""bare"", or sarcasm yet. Please stop PMing me that now. Thank you.
",3ynope,15305,My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.,"['son', 'playing', 'teenage', 'mutant', 'ninja', 'turtle', 'action', 'figure', 'making', 'fight', 'weapon', 'fighting', 'bare', 'hand', 'son', 'fighting', 'turtle', 'hand', 'clue', 'laughing', 'hard', 'edit', 'mutant', 'added', 'edit', 'telling', 'joke', 'son', 'understand', 'english', 'language', 'wow', 'right', 'thought', 'really', 'thought', 'got', 'changed', 'everything', 'year', 'old', 'son', 'know', 'word', 'bare', 'sarcasm', 'yet', 'please', 'stop', 'pming', 'thank']","['year', 'old', 'son', 'got', 'dad', 'joke', 'heard']","['son', 'playing', 'teenage', 'mutant', 'ninja', 'turtle', 'action', 'figure', 'making', 'fight', 'weapon', 'fighting', 'bare', 'hand', 'son', 'fighting', 'turtle', 'hand', 'clue', 'laughing', 'hard', 'edit', 'mutant', 'added', 'edit', 'telling', 'joke', 'son', 'understand', 'english', 'language', 'wow', 'right', 'thought', 'really', 'thought', 'got', 'changed', 'everything', 'year', 'old', 'son', 'know', 'word', 'bare', 'sarcasm', 'yet', 'please', 'stop', 'pming', 'thank', 'year', 'old', 'son', 'got', 'dad', 'joke', 'heard']",58
They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH,4no0bh,15300,Women are like Hurricanes,"['come', 'life', 'wild', 'free', 'leave', 'patio', 'furniture', 'bought', 'together', 'sarah', 'bitch']","['woman', 'like', 'hurricane']","['come', 'life', 'wild', 'free', 'leave', 'patio', 'furniture', 'bought', 'together', 'sarah', 'bitch', 'woman', 'like', 'hurricane']",14
"A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.  ""Can I help you?"" she asks.  ""I was wondering,"" whispers the man. ""Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"" ""Yes,"" she purrs. ""I am."" The man replies, ""Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.""",49yab6,15259,CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00,"['guy', 'walk', 'pub', 'see', 'sign', 'hanging', 'bar', 'read', 'cheeseburger', 'chicken', 'sandwich', 'hand', 'job', 'walk', 'bar', 'beckons', 'one', 'three', 'exceptionally', 'attractive', 'blonde', 'serving', 'drink', 'help', 'asks', 'wondering', 'whisper', 'man', 'one', 'give', 'hand', 'job', 'yes', 'purr', 'man', 'reply', 'well', 'wash', 'hand', 'want', 'cheeseburger']","['cheeseburger', 'chicken', 'sandwich', 'hand', 'job']","['guy', 'walk', 'pub', 'see', 'sign', 'hanging', 'bar', 'read', 'cheeseburger', 'chicken', 'sandwich', 'hand', 'job', 'walk', 'bar', 'beckons', 'one', 'three', 'exceptionally', 'attractive', 'blonde', 'serving', 'drink', 'help', 'asks', 'wondering', 'whisper', 'man', 'one', 'give', 'hand', 'job', 'yes', 'purr', 'man', 'reply', 'well', 'wash', 'hand', 'want', 'cheeseburger', 'cheeseburger', 'chicken', 'sandwich', 'hand', 'job']",46
"with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.

""You're in the afterlife!"" he tells the man, ""But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here.""

All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.

The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. ""That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there.""

So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.

""What are the odds?"" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. ""That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line."" The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.

While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, ""The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!""

Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.

And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. ""Come,"" the beggar told him, ""I'll take you to the evening meal."" So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. ""That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line,"" and then he added, ""and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!""

The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. ""What is it,"" he thought, ""that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?"" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.

Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.

The beggar laughed jovially. ""I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!"" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.

Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. ""That's the line for the dragon meat,"" he said before turning to the next line, ""and that's the line for angeldust stew,"" then he paused, confused.

""What is it?"" the man asked his old friend.

The beggar replied, ""There appears to be no punchline.""

EDIT: if you liked this joke, go to r/feghoot for more like this one!

EDIT 2: To people screaming repost, i gave credit to  u/insolent_swine in the comments. I just did it here, too.",5rfftk,15231,A man wakes up in a dingy slum,"['memory', 'got', 'wanders', 'around', 'aimlessly', 'find', 'even', 'one', 'person', 'talk', 'ratty', 'beggar', 'street', 'turn', 'nice', 'enough', 'explain', 'afterlife', 'tell', 'man', 'must', 'real', 'shithead', 'alive', 'fourth', 'ring', 'worst', 'people', 'come', 'sudden', 'siren', 'go', 'one', 'thing', 'man', 'terrified', 'beggar', 'get', 'calmly', 'lead', 'big', 'dilapidated', 'warehouse', 'thousand', 'similarly', 'unkempt', 'soul', 'gathering', 'man', 'asks', 'beggar', 'point', 'line', 'folding', 'table', 'wall', 'table', 'moldy', 'bread', 'cup', 'dingy', 'water', 'bowl', 'broth', 'thin', 'could', 'run', 'cup', 'man', 'realize', 'hungry', 'guard', 'heavy', 'body', 'armor', 'blow', 'whistle', 'people', 'arrange', 'three', 'line', 'beggar', 'helpful', 'enough', 'explain', 'man', 'one', 'bread', 'line', 'broth', 'line', 'water', 'line', 'food', 'free', 'want', 'get', 'maggot', 'hole', 'got', 'work', 'gate', 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'gymnasium', 'people', 'gathering', 'man', 'begin', 'understand', 'line', 'folding', 'table', 'one', 'wall', 'stack', 'hot', 'dog', 'big', 'bowl', 'salad', 'solo', 'cup', 'full', 'fresh', 'lemonade', 'cop', 'shout', 'everyone', 'attention', 'directs', 'stand', 'three', 'line', 'beggar', 'smile', 'man', 'wonder', 'point', 'line', 'turn', 'hot', 'dog', 'line', 'salad', 'line', 'lemonade', 'line', 'man', 'get', 'line', 'turn', 'get', 'lunch', 'eating', 'basking', 'joy', 'stuck', 'old', 'bread', 'water', 'beggar', 'encourages', 'best', 'part', 'halfway', 'year', 'switch', 'hot', 'dog', 'salad', 'lemonade', 'chicken', 'chili', 'hot', 'chocolate', 'never', 'get', 'tired', 'sadly', 'proved', 'true', 'day', 'man', 'get', 'tired', 'meal', 'every', 'day', 'knew', 'firsthand', 'could', 'change', 'lot', 'one', 'day', 'went', 'wall', 'second', 'circle', 'time', 'guard', 'asking', 'ten', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'well', 'man', 'like', 'figured', 'whole', 'afterlife', 'ahead', 'fourth', 'circle', 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'three', 'line', 'formed', 'beggar', 'pointed', 'line', 'turn', 'steak', 'line', 'soup', 'line', 'champagne', 'line', 'added', 'apparently', 'change', 'meal', 'four', 'time', 'year', 'man', 'rejoiced', 'ate', 'happy', 'felt', 'nothing', 'lacking', 'four', 'change', 'year', 'enough', 'one', 'day', 'curiosity', 'went', 'bodyguard', 'guarded', 'gate', 'first', 'final', 'ring', 'afterlife', 'found', 'asking', 'million', 'dollar', 'pas', 'well', 'man', 'bit', 'disturbed', 'second', 'ring', 'seemed', 'perfect', 'thought', 'could', 'possibly', 'wonderful', 'question', 'haunted', 'week', 'came', 'conclusion', 'used', 'working', 'hard', 'eternity', 'save', 'wanted', 'see', 'could', 'possibly', 'missing', 'first', 'ring', 'fifty', 'year', 'later', 'returned', 'guard', 'million', 'dollar', 'stepped', 'first', 'ring', 'fell', 'knee', 'architecture', 'glorious', 'inhuman', 'bodyguard', 'turned', 'shining', 'angel', 'surprise', 'someone', 'helped', 'street', 'looked', 'realized', 'recognized', 'beggar', 'met', 'fourth', 'ring', 'adorned', 'golden', 'robe', 'glowing', 'looked', 'realized', 'looked', 'much', 'beggar', 'laughed', 'jovially', 'got', 'three', 'year', 'ago', 'somehow', 'knew', 'would', 'right', 'behind', 'come', 'back', 'gate', 'every', 'day', 'waiting', 'make', 'suddenly', 'air', 'filled', 'sound', 'angelic', 'choir', 'beggar', 'led', 'man', 'gigantic', 'palace', 'made', 'crystal', 'cloud', 'room', 'filled', 'radiant', 'citizen', 'first', 'circle', 'angel', 'prepared', 'everything', 'sure', 'enough', 'line', 'massive', 'altar', 'one', 'wall', 'spilling', 'glistening', 'golden', 'dragon', 'meat', 'pudding', 'refined', 'cloud', 'dew', 'silk', 'ice', 'cold', 'tub', 'ambrosia', 'nectar', 'ladled', 'individually', 'blindingly', 'beautiful', 'crystalline', 'chalice', 'angel', 'fluttered', 'ceiling', 'bowed', 'silently', 'assembled', 'mass', 'bowed', 'respectfully', 'back', 'broke', 'line', 'smiling', 'tradition', 'beggar', 'pointed', 'first', 'line', 'line', 'dragon', 'meat', 'said', 'turning', 'next', 'line', 'line', 'angeldust', 'stew', 'paused', 'confused', 'man', 'asked', 'old', 'friend', 'beggar', 'replied', 'appears', 'punchline', 'edit', 'liked', 'joke', 'go', 'like', 'one', 'edit', 'people', 'screaming', 'repost', 'gave', 'credit', 'comment']","['man', 'wake', 'dingy', 'slum']","['memory', 'got', 'wanders', 'around', 'aimlessly', 'find', 'even', 'one', 'person', 'talk', 'ratty', 'beggar', 'street', 'turn', 'nice', 'enough', 'explain', 'afterlife', 'tell', 'man', 'must', 'real', 'shithead', 'alive', 'fourth', 'ring', 'worst', 'people', 'come', 'sudden', 'siren', 'go', 'one', 'thing', 'man', 'terrified', 'beggar', 'get', 'calmly', 'lead', 'big', 'dilapidated', 'warehouse', 'thousand', 'similarly', 'unkempt', 'soul', 'gathering', 'man', 'asks', 'beggar', 'point', 'line', 'folding', 'table', 'wall', 'table', 'moldy', 'bread', 'cup', 'dingy', 'water', 'bowl', 'broth', 'thin', 'could', 'run', 'cup', 'man', 'realize', 'hungry', 'guard', 'heavy', 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'street', 'odds', 'ask', 'get', 'conversing', 'beggar', 'turn', 'managed', 'make', 'month', 'back', 'conversation', 'interrupted', 'however', 'sound', 'like', 'school', 'bell', 'man', 'seems', 'confused', 'beggar', 'lead', 'look', 'like', 'giant', 'gymnasium', 'people', 'gathering', 'man', 'begin', 'understand', 'line', 'folding', 'table', 'one', 'wall', 'stack', 'hot', 'dog', 'big', 'bowl', 'salad', 'solo', 'cup', 'full', 'fresh', 'lemonade', 'cop', 'shout', 'everyone', 'attention', 'directs', 'stand', 'three', 'line', 'beggar', 'smile', 'man', 'wonder', 'point', 'line', 'turn', 'hot', 'dog', 'line', 'salad', 'line', 'lemonade', 'line', 'man', 'get', 'line', 'turn', 'get', 'lunch', 'eating', 'basking', 'joy', 'stuck', 'old', 'bread', 'water', 'beggar', 'encourages', 'best', 'part', 'halfway', 'year', 'switch', 'hot', 'dog', 'salad', 'lemonade', 'chicken', 'chili', 'hot', 'chocolate', 'never', 'get', 'tired', 'sadly', 'proved', 'true', 'day', 'man', 'get', 'tired', 'meal', 'every', 'day', 'knew', 'firsthand', 'could', 'change', 'lot', 'one', 'day', 'went', 'wall', 'second', 'circle', 'time', 'guard', 'asking', 'ten', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'well', 'man', 'like', 'figured', 'whole', 'afterlife', 'ahead', 'fourth', 'circle', 'could', 'certainly', 'take', 'time', 'save', 'ten', 'year', 'hard', 'work', 'difficult', 'keep', 'work', 'ethic', 'twenty', 'year', 'later', 'went', 'back', 'guard', 'second', 'ring', 'money', 'hand', 'went', 'gate', 'found', 'glittering', 'clean', 'city', 'full', 'glass', 'steel', 'would', 'know', 'standing', 'across', 'street', 'beggar', 'wearing', 'suit', 'man', 'greeted', 'beggar', 'old', 'friend', 'started', 'talking', 'conversation', 'interrupted', 'time', 'beautiful', 'church', 'bell', 'come', 'beggar', 'told', 'take', 'evening', 'meal', 'man', 'followed', 'entered', 'glamorous', 'ballroom', 'filled', 'beautiful', 'attendee', 'even', 'cop', 'looked', 'good', 'dressed', 'suit', 'sunglass', 'like', 'bodyguard', 'sure', 'enough', 'piled', 'onto', 'platter', 'huge', 'mahogany', 'table', 'far', 'wall', 'plate', 'steak', 'bowl', 'delicious', 'seafood', 'soup', 'glass', 'champagne', 'one', 'bodyguard', 'cleared', 'throat', 'loudly', 'politely', 'requested', 'attendee', 'line', 'three', 'line', 'formed', 'beggar', 'pointed', 'line', 'turn', 'steak', 'line', 'soup', 'line', 'champagne', 'line', 'added', 'apparently', 'change', 'meal', 'four', 'time', 'year', 'man', 'rejoiced', 'ate', 'happy', 'felt', 'nothing', 'lacking', 'four', 'change', 'year', 'enough', 'one', 'day', 'curiosity', 'went', 'bodyguard', 'guarded', 'gate', 'first', 'final', 'ring', 'afterlife', 'found', 'asking', 'million', 'dollar', 'pas', 'well', 'man', 'bit', 'disturbed', 'second', 'ring', 'seemed', 'perfect', 'thought', 'could', 'possibly', 'wonderful', 'question', 'haunted', 'week', 'came', 'conclusion', 'used', 'working', 'hard', 'eternity', 'save', 'wanted', 'see', 'could', 'possibly', 'missing', 'first', 'ring', 'fifty', 'year', 'later', 'returned', 'guard', 'million', 'dollar', 'stepped', 'first', 'ring', 'fell', 'knee', 'architecture', 'glorious', 'inhuman', 'bodyguard', 'turned', 'shining', 'angel', 'surprise', 'someone', 'helped', 'street', 'looked', 'realized', 'recognized', 'beggar', 'met', 'fourth', 'ring', 'adorned', 'golden', 'robe', 'glowing', 'looked', 'realized', 'looked', 'much', 'beggar', 'laughed', 'jovially', 'got', 'three', 'year', 'ago', 'somehow', 'knew', 'would', 'right', 'behind', 'come', 'back', 'gate', 'every', 'day', 'waiting', 'make', 'suddenly', 'air', 'filled', 'sound', 'angelic', 'choir', 'beggar', 'led', 'man', 'gigantic', 'palace', 'made', 'crystal', 'cloud', 'room', 'filled', 'radiant', 'citizen', 'first', 'circle', 'angel', 'prepared', 'everything', 'sure', 'enough', 'line', 'massive', 'altar', 'one', 'wall', 'spilling', 'glistening', 'golden', 'dragon', 'meat', 'pudding', 'refined', 'cloud', 'dew', 'silk', 'ice', 'cold', 'tub', 'ambrosia', 'nectar', 'ladled', 'individually', 'blindingly', 'beautiful', 'crystalline', 'chalice', 'angel', 'fluttered', 'ceiling', 'bowed', 'silently', 'assembled', 'mass', 'bowed', 'respectfully', 'back', 'broke', 'line', 'smiling', 'tradition', 'beggar', 'pointed', 'first', 'line', 'line', 'dragon', 'meat', 'said', 'turning', 'next', 'line', 'line', 'angeldust', 'stew', 'paused', 'confused', 'man', 'asked', 'old', 'friend', 'beggar', 'replied', 'appears', 'punchline', 'edit', 'liked', 'joke', 'go', 'like', 'one', 'edit', 'people', 'screaming', 'repost', 'gave', 'credit', 'comment', 'man', 'wake', 'dingy', 'slum']",660
"and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, ""I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.""

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. ""Is your bet still good?"", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, ""If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?""

The Irishman replies, ""Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first"".",3e2uld,15218,A Texan walks into an Irish pub...,"['clear', 'voice', 'crowd', 'drinker', 'say', 'hear', 'irish', 'bunch', 'hard', 'drinker', 'give', 'american', 'dollar', 'anybody', 'drink', 'pint', 'guinness', 'room', 'quiet', 'one', 'take', 'texan', 'offer', 'one', 'man', 'even', 'leaf', 'ten', 'minute', 'later', 'gentleman', 'left', 'show', 'back', 'tap', 'texan', 'shoulder', 'bet', 'still', 'good', 'asks', 'irishman', 'texan', 'say', 'yes', 'asks', 'bartender', 'line', 'pint', 'guinness', 'immediately', 'irishman', 'tear', 'pint', 'glass', 'drinking', 'pub', 'patron', 'cheer', 'texan', 'sits', 'amazement', 'texan', 'give', 'irishman', 'say', 'ya', 'mind', 'askin', 'go', 'minute', 'gone', 'irishman', 'reply', 'oh', 'go', 'pub', 'street', 'see', 'could', 'first']","['texan', 'walk', 'irish', 'pub']","['clear', 'voice', 'crowd', 'drinker', 'say', 'hear', 'irish', 'bunch', 'hard', 'drinker', 'give', 'american', 'dollar', 'anybody', 'drink', 'pint', 'guinness', 'room', 'quiet', 'one', 'take', 'texan', 'offer', 'one', 'man', 'even', 'leaf', 'ten', 'minute', 'later', 'gentleman', 'left', 'show', 'back', 'tap', 'texan', 'shoulder', 'bet', 'still', 'good', 'asks', 'irishman', 'texan', 'say', 'yes', 'asks', 'bartender', 'line', 'pint', 'guinness', 'immediately', 'irishman', 'tear', 'pint', 'glass', 'drinking', 'pub', 'patron', 'cheer', 'texan', 'sits', 'amazement', 'texan', 'give', 'irishman', 'say', 'ya', 'mind', 'askin', 'go', 'minute', 'gone', 'irishman', 'reply', 'oh', 'go', 'pub', 'street', 'see', 'could', 'first', 'texan', 'walk', 'irish', 'pub']",85
I'm glad to be the 1%,4lvcla,15176,9/10 Redditors are idiots,['glad'],"['redditors', 'idiot']","['glad', 'redditors', 'idiot']",3
"And lands her eyes on a beautiful parrot. Lovely plumage and everything. She goes to the store owner and says, ""I want this parrot. How much is it for?""

The shop owner says, ""2000 dollars""

The lady says, ""I understand the parrot is beautiful, but isn't the price a bit too high?""

Shop owner says, ""Lady, this parrot is called Mickey and it talks. A lot. Go ahead ask it something.""

The lady asks the parrot - ""Hello Mickey, what do you think of me?""

The parrot says - ""I think you're a cum-hungry whore, bitch!""

The lady is offended and says, ""No way am I taking such a potty-mouth parrot.""

The shop owner intervenes with ""Lady, please give me 10 minutes and I will ensure Mickey behaves.""

The shop owner then takes the parrot to the back of the store, brings out a pale of water, dunks Mickey in and asks ""Are you going to fucking swear again?""

Mickey says, ""Sure as fuck I will, you piece of shit!""

The shop owner then gets another bucket full of ice water, dunks Mickey in for 15 seconds and says, ""How about now, fuckwit?""

Mickey goes, ""I have learned my lesson, master. Please don't ever do that to me again. I shall be civil for the rest of my days.""

The shop owner then brings Mickey back out and tells the lady, ""I have cured him. You can test.""

The lady then says, ""Mickey, what will you say if I come home with a man?""

Mickey says, ""That you have come home with your husband.""

The lady asks again, ""And what if I come home with two men?""

Mickey says, ""That you are having a family dinner with your husband and your brother.""

The lady then asks, ""And what if I come home with three men?""

Mickey says, ""Bro you better fetch that bucket of ice-water, I told you the bitch is a fucking whore.""",4z6oyt,15168,Another lady goes to a pet shop...,"['land', 'eye', 'beautiful', 'parrot', 'lovely', 'plumage', 'everything', 'go', 'store', 'owner', 'say', 'want', 'parrot', 'much', 'shop', 'owner', 'say', 'dollar', 'lady', 'say', 'understand', 'parrot', 'beautiful', 'price', 'bit', 'high', 'shop', 'owner', 'say', 'lady', 'parrot', 'called', 'mickey', 'talk', 'lot', 'go', 'ahead', 'ask', 'something', 'lady', 'asks', 'parrot', 'hello', 'mickey', 'think', 'parrot', 'say', 'think', 'whore', 'bitch', 'lady', 'offended', 'say', 'way', 'taking', 'parrot', 'shop', 'owner', 'intervenes', 'lady', 'please', 'give', 'minute', 'ensure', 'mickey', 'behaves', 'shop', 'owner', 'take', 'parrot', 'back', 'store', 'brings', 'pale', 'water', 'dunk', 'mickey', 'asks', 'going', 'fucking', 'swear', 'mickey', 'say', 'sure', 'fuck', 'piece', 'shit', 'shop', 'owner', 'get', 'another', 'bucket', 'full', 'ice', 'water', 'dunk', 'mickey', 'second', 'say', 'fuckwit', 'mickey', 'go', 'learned', 'lesson', 'master', 'please', 'ever', 'shall', 'civil', 'rest', 'day', 'shop', 'owner', 'brings', 'mickey', 'back', 'tell', 'lady', 'cured', 'test', 'lady', 'say', 'mickey', 'say', 'come', 'home', 'man', 'mickey', 'say', 'come', 'home', 'husband', 'lady', 'asks', 'come', 'home', 'two', 'men', 'mickey', 'say', 'family', 'dinner', 'husband', 'brother', 'lady', 'asks', 'come', 'home', 'three', 'men', 'mickey', 'say', 'bro', 'better', 'fetch', 'bucket', 'told', 'bitch', 'fucking', 'whore']","['another', 'lady', 'go', 'pet', 'shop']","['land', 'eye', 'beautiful', 'parrot', 'lovely', 'plumage', 'everything', 'go', 'store', 'owner', 'say', 'want', 'parrot', 'much', 'shop', 'owner', 'say', 'dollar', 'lady', 'say', 'understand', 'parrot', 'beautiful', 'price', 'bit', 'high', 'shop', 'owner', 'say', 'lady', 'parrot', 'called', 'mickey', 'talk', 'lot', 'go', 'ahead', 'ask', 'something', 'lady', 'asks', 'parrot', 'hello', 'mickey', 'think', 'parrot', 'say', 'think', 'whore', 'bitch', 'lady', 'offended', 'say', 'way', 'taking', 'parrot', 'shop', 'owner', 'intervenes', 'lady', 'please', 'give', 'minute', 'ensure', 'mickey', 'behaves', 'shop', 'owner', 'take', 'parrot', 'back', 'store', 'brings', 'pale', 'water', 'dunk', 'mickey', 'asks', 'going', 'fucking', 'swear', 'mickey', 'say', 'sure', 'fuck', 'piece', 'shit', 'shop', 'owner', 'get', 'another', 'bucket', 'full', 'ice', 'water', 'dunk', 'mickey', 'second', 'say', 'fuckwit', 'mickey', 'go', 'learned', 'lesson', 'master', 'please', 'ever', 'shall', 'civil', 'rest', 'day', 'shop', 'owner', 'brings', 'mickey', 'back', 'tell', 'lady', 'cured', 'test', 'lady', 'say', 'mickey', 'say', 'come', 'home', 'man', 'mickey', 'say', 'come', 'home', 'husband', 'lady', 'asks', 'come', 'home', 'two', 'men', 'mickey', 'say', 'family', 'dinner', 'husband', 'brother', 'lady', 'asks', 'come', 'home', 'three', 'men', 'mickey', 'say', 'bro', 'better', 'fetch', 'bucket', 'told', 'bitch', 'fucking', 'whore', 'another', 'lady', 'go', 'pet', 'shop']",165
You know...heroin.,4lg0nd,15148,I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.,"['know', 'heroin']","['stressed', 'recently', 'chinese', 'thing', 'needle']","['know', 'heroin', 'stressed', 'recently', 'chinese', 'thing', 'needle']",7
"We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.",4mlh0b,15138,White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do...,"['shoot', 'school', 'class']","['white', 'people', 'shoot', 'street', 'like', 'black', 'people']","['shoot', 'school', 'class', 'white', 'people', 'shoot', 'street', 'like', 'black', 'people']",10
It's seven ,527c4s,15040,I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand,['seven'],"['count', 'number', 'time', 'chernobyl', 'one', 'hand']","['seven', 'count', 'number', 'time', 'chernobyl', 'one', 'hand']",7
"Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.

""Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!""

He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him:

""Dad! Uncle Terry's upstairs! And he's naked!""

He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked.

""WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!""",4uo1gr,14994,Blonde guy gets home from work...,"['hears', 'wife', 'screaming', 'coming', 'bedroom', 'upstairs', 'sprint', 'open', 'door', 'see', 'wife', 'laying', 'naked', 'bed', 'sweating', 'panting', 'honey', 'help', 'heart', 'attack', 'run', 'back', 'stair', 'start', 'dialing', 'ambulance', 'son', 'daughter', 'tell', 'dad', 'uncle', 'terry', 'upstairs', 'naked', 'slam', 'phone', 'sprint', 'back', 'stair', 'run', 'past', 'wife', 'open', 'wardrobe', 'sure', 'enough', 'brother', 'crouching', 'corner', 'naked', 'hell', 'terry', 'wife', 'heart', 'attack', 'running', 'around', 'naked', 'scaring', 'kid']","['blonde', 'guy', 'get', 'home', 'work']","['hears', 'wife', 'screaming', 'coming', 'bedroom', 'upstairs', 'sprint', 'open', 'door', 'see', 'wife', 'laying', 'naked', 'bed', 'sweating', 'panting', 'honey', 'help', 'heart', 'attack', 'run', 'back', 'stair', 'start', 'dialing', 'ambulance', 'son', 'daughter', 'tell', 'dad', 'uncle', 'terry', 'upstairs', 'naked', 'slam', 'phone', 'sprint', 'back', 'stair', 'run', 'past', 'wife', 'open', 'wardrobe', 'sure', 'enough', 'brother', 'crouching', 'corner', 'naked', 'hell', 'terry', 'wife', 'heart', 'attack', 'running', 'around', 'naked', 'scaring', 'kid', 'blonde', 'guy', 'get', 'home', 'work']",65
"Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says ""I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting""",4za2ss,14870,Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...,"['joe', 'getting', 'fed', 'constantly', 'replacing', 'fence', 'post', 'barbed', 'wire', 'chasing', 'bull', 'getting', 'back', 'field', 'easy', 'task', 'either', 'go', 'neighbor', 'steve', 'advice', 'steve', 'nice', 'neighborly', 'farmer', 'say', 'got', 'plenty', 'barbed', 'wire', 'use', 'replace', 'fence', 'getting', 'old', 'hard', 'work', 'hire', 'folk', 'hear', 'best', 'reposting']","['farmer', 'joe', 'bull', 'break', 'barbed', 'wire', 'fence']","['joe', 'getting', 'fed', 'constantly', 'replacing', 'fence', 'post', 'barbed', 'wire', 'chasing', 'bull', 'getting', 'back', 'field', 'easy', 'task', 'either', 'go', 'neighbor', 'steve', 'advice', 'steve', 'nice', 'neighborly', 'farmer', 'say', 'got', 'plenty', 'barbed', 'wire', 'use', 'replace', 'fence', 'getting', 'old', 'hard', 'work', 'hire', 'folk', 'hear', 'best', 'reposting', 'farmer', 'joe', 'bull', 'break', 'barbed', 'wire', 'fence']",49
"""First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them""

""But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?""

""Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?""

Edit: Obligatory ""thnx 4 front page guis!""",4kciob,14851,A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...,"['first', 'go', 'straight', 'circle', 'go', 'straight', 'circle', 'finally', 'go', 'straight', 'eat', 'mom', 'ca', 'eat', 'first', 'time', 'around', 'well', 'suppose', 'would', 'want', 'eat', 'shit', 'still', 'inside', 'edit', 'obligatory', 'thnx', 'front', 'page', 'gui']","['mother', 'shark', 'teaching', 'young', 'eat', 'human']","['first', 'go', 'straight', 'circle', 'go', 'straight', 'circle', 'finally', 'go', 'straight', 'eat', 'mom', 'ca', 'eat', 'first', 'time', 'around', 'well', 'suppose', 'would', 'want', 'eat', 'shit', 'still', 'inside', 'edit', 'obligatory', 'thnx', 'front', 'page', 'gui', 'mother', 'shark', 'teaching', 'young', 'eat', 'human']",37
A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.,4vybks,14842,"What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?","['ton', 'feather', 'also', 'carry', 'weight', 'poor', 'bird']","['heavier', 'ton', 'brick', 'ton', 'feather']","['ton', 'feather', 'also', 'carry', 'weight', 'poor', 'bird', 'heavier', 'ton', 'brick', 'ton', 'feather']",12
which also means nothing,51lpgl,14811,The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton',"['also', 'mean', 'nothing']","['word', 'palindrome', 'reversed']","['also', 'mean', 'nothing', 'word', 'palindrome', 'reversed']",6
Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.,3h28pu,14802,"Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan?","['really', 'understand', 'term', 'keep', 'saying', 'interest']","['yo', 'girl', 'zero', 'apr', 'loan']","['really', 'understand', 'term', 'keep', 'saying', 'interest', 'yo', 'girl', 'zero', 'apr', 'loan']",11
A blueberry hahaha fuck you all,4hyfv9,14795,What do you call a sad strawberry?,"['blueberry', 'hahaha', 'fuck']","['call', 'sad', 'strawberry']","['blueberry', 'hahaha', 'fuck', 'call', 'sad', 'strawberry']",6
"50 Cent feat. Nickelback


Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion

Edit: thanks for all the love, appreciated",4z4hcn,14754,What concert costs 45 cents?,"['cent', 'feat', 'nickelback', 'go', 'ahead', 'vote', 'oblivion', 'edit', 'thanks', 'love', 'appreciated']","['concert', 'cost', 'cent']","['cent', 'feat', 'nickelback', 'go', 'ahead', 'vote', 'oblivion', 'edit', 'thanks', 'love', 'appreciated', 'concert', 'cost', 'cent']",14
"The bartender says, ""what'll you have?"" 

""It's been so long since I've had a good laugh"", replies the redditor. ""I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."" 

""That sounds easy enough"", replies the bartender. 

""I should warn you"", the redditor says, ""I browse /r/jokes so I've heard them all over and over and over again"". 

Curious, the bartender pulls out his phone and browses /r/jokes for a few minutes. 

""How about this?"" he asks, ""A man is driving through a remote forested area at night when his car breaks down next to an old monastery..."" 

""Heard it."", interrupts the redditor. ""It's reposted every month."" 

The bartender apologies and starts scrolling on his phone for a few more minutes. 

""Ooh, here we go, so a blonde shows up at a rich guy's doorstep asking if she can do any chores for cash...""

""Heard it!!"", the redditor snaps. ""that's reposted every week!"" 

The bartender is flustered but tries again, furiously browsing the subreddit. ""Aha! This one is sure to impress. What's the difference between Donald Trump's hair and a thong?"" 

""No, no, no!!!"", the redditor cries out. ""That joke is reposted every day!"" 

""OK, OK, please give me one more try"", the bartender pleads. He scrolls furiously through his phone. ""Nope... nope... nope... YES!! This is a great one!"" 

""OK, lay it on me"", the redditor asks eagerly. 

""Here it is"", the bartender replies. ""So a redditor walks into a bar...""

---

Edit: initially screwed up the Donald Trump joke. Embarrassing, since I see it every day. 

Edit 2: gold! Now this redditor can actually afford to walk into a bar! They accept Reddit gold there, right? ",4zia6r,14693,A redditor walks in to bar...,"['bartender', 'say', 'long', 'since', 'good', 'laugh', 'reply', 'redditor', 'give', 'tell', 'joke', 'heard', 'sound', 'easy', 'enough', 'reply', 'bartender', 'warn', 'redditor', 'say', 'browse', 'heard', 'curious', 'bartender', 'pull', 'phone', 'browse', 'minute', 'asks', 'man', 'driving', 'remote', 'forested', 'area', 'night', 'car', 'break', 'next', 'old', 'monastery', 'heard', 'interrupt', 'redditor', 'reposted', 'every', 'month', 'bartender', 'apology', 'start', 'scrolling', 'phone', 'minute', 'ooh', 'go', 'blonde', 'show', 'rich', 'guy', 'doorstep', 'asking', 'chore', 'cash', 'heard', 'redditor', 'snap', 'reposted', 'every', 'week', 'bartender', 'flustered', 'try', 'furiously', 'browsing', 'subreddit', 'aha', 'one', 'sure', 'impress', 'difference', 'donald', 'trump', 'hair', 'thong', 'redditor', 'cry', 'joke', 'reposted', 'every', 'day', 'ok', 'ok', 'please', 'give', 'one', 'try', 'bartender', 'pleads', 'scroll', 'furiously', 'phone', 'nope', 'nope', 'nope', 'yes', 'great', 'one', 'ok', 'lay', 'redditor', 'asks', 'eagerly', 'bartender', 'reply', 'redditor', 'walk', 'bar', 'edit', 'initially', 'screwed', 'donald', 'trump', 'joke', 'embarrassing', 'since', 'see', 'every', 'day', 'edit', 'gold', 'redditor', 'actually', 'afford', 'walk', 'bar', 'accept', 'reddit', 'gold', 'right']","['redditor', 'walk', 'bar']","['bartender', 'say', 'long', 'since', 'good', 'laugh', 'reply', 'redditor', 'give', 'tell', 'joke', 'heard', 'sound', 'easy', 'enough', 'reply', 'bartender', 'warn', 'redditor', 'say', 'browse', 'heard', 'curious', 'bartender', 'pull', 'phone', 'browse', 'minute', 'asks', 'man', 'driving', 'remote', 'forested', 'area', 'night', 'car', 'break', 'next', 'old', 'monastery', 'heard', 'interrupt', 'redditor', 'reposted', 'every', 'month', 'bartender', 'apology', 'start', 'scrolling', 'phone', 'minute', 'ooh', 'go', 'blonde', 'show', 'rich', 'guy', 'doorstep', 'asking', 'chore', 'cash', 'heard', 'redditor', 'snap', 'reposted', 'every', 'week', 'bartender', 'flustered', 'try', 'furiously', 'browsing', 'subreddit', 'aha', 'one', 'sure', 'impress', 'difference', 'donald', 'trump', 'hair', 'thong', 'redditor', 'cry', 'joke', 'reposted', 'every', 'day', 'ok', 'ok', 'please', 'give', 'one', 'try', 'bartender', 'pleads', 'scroll', 'furiously', 'phone', 'nope', 'nope', 'nope', 'yes', 'great', 'one', 'ok', 'lay', 'redditor', 'asks', 'eagerly', 'bartender', 'reply', 'redditor', 'walk', 'bar', 'edit', 'initially', 'screwed', 'donald', 'trump', 'joke', 'embarrassing', 'since', 'see', 'every', 'day', 'edit', 'gold', 'redditor', 'actually', 'afford', 'walk', 'bar', 'accept', 'reddit', 'gold', 'right', 'redditor', 'walk', 'bar']",141
"An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: ""A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."" A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: ""I have lost my sense of taste."" Engineer: ""Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" Doctor: ""This is Gasoline!"" Engineer: ""Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.""
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: ""I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."" Engineer: ""Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" Doctor: ""But that is Gasoline!"" Engineer: ""Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500.""
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: ""My eyesight has become weak."" Engineer: ""Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000,"" passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: ""But this is $500..."" Engineer: ""Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500.""",5qrxpj,14673,The Unemployed Engineer,"['engineer', 'unemployed', 'long', 'time', 'decided', 'open', 'medical', 'clinic', 'put', 'sign', 'outside', 'clinic', 'cure', 'ailment', 'guaranteed', 'pay', 'fail', 'doctor', 'think', 'good', 'opportunity', 'earn', 'go', 'clinic', 'doctor', 'lost', 'sense', 'taste', 'engineer', 'nurse', 'please', 'bring', 'medicine', 'box', 'put', 'drop', 'patient', 'mouth', 'doctor', 'gasoline', 'engineer', 'congratulation', 'got', 'taste', 'back', 'doctor', 'get', 'annoyed', 'go', 'back', 'couple', 'day', 'later', 'recover', 'money', 'doctor', 'lost', 'memory', 'remember', 'anything', 'engineer', 'nurse', 'please', 'bring', 'medicine', 'box', 'put', 'drop', 'patient', 'mouth', 'doctor', 'gasoline', 'engineer', 'congratulation', 'got', 'memory', 'back', 'doctor', 'leaf', 'angrily', 'come', 'back', 'several', 'day', 'determined', 'ever', 'make', 'money', 'back', 'doctor', 'eyesight', 'become', 'weak', 'engineer', 'well', 'medicine', 'take', 'passing', 'doctor', 'note', 'doctor', 'engineer', 'congratulation', 'got', 'vision', 'back']","['unemployed', 'engineer']","['engineer', 'unemployed', 'long', 'time', 'decided', 'open', 'medical', 'clinic', 'put', 'sign', 'outside', 'clinic', 'cure', 'ailment', 'guaranteed', 'pay', 'fail', 'doctor', 'think', 'good', 'opportunity', 'earn', 'go', 'clinic', 'doctor', 'lost', 'sense', 'taste', 'engineer', 'nurse', 'please', 'bring', 'medicine', 'box', 'put', 'drop', 'patient', 'mouth', 'doctor', 'gasoline', 'engineer', 'congratulation', 'got', 'taste', 'back', 'doctor', 'get', 'annoyed', 'go', 'back', 'couple', 'day', 'later', 'recover', 'money', 'doctor', 'lost', 'memory', 'remember', 'anything', 'engineer', 'nurse', 'please', 'bring', 'medicine', 'box', 'put', 'drop', 'patient', 'mouth', 'doctor', 'gasoline', 'engineer', 'congratulation', 'got', 'memory', 'back', 'doctor', 'leaf', 'angrily', 'come', 'back', 'several', 'day', 'determined', 'ever', 'make', 'money', 'back', 'doctor', 'eyesight', 'become', 'weak', 'engineer', 'well', 'medicine', 'take', 'passing', 'doctor', 'note', 'doctor', 'engineer', 'congratulation', 'got', 'vision', 'back', 'unemployed', 'engineer']",108
"The other says, ""I'm a big metal fan""",4p8qkb,14670,"Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, ""What kind of music do you like?""","['say', 'big', 'metal', 'fan']","['two', 'windmill', 'standing', 'field', 'one', 'asks', 'kind', 'music', 'like']","['say', 'big', 'metal', 'fan', 'two', 'windmill', 'standing', 'field', 'one', 'asks', 'kind', 'music', 'like']",13
"She especially loved hooking up with frat boys and men who had been sentenced to prison. Those were kind of her fetishes, and she didn't know why. She didn't really like to use condoms, though, which was very dumb of her, and she knew that, but she thought it felt so much better without one. Also, she was on birth control.

Only, one day, her period didn't come as expected. She thought it was probably nothing, but she was suspicious nonetheless. She went to the store and bought a pregnancy test, and, lo and behold, she was indeed pregnant. Well, shit. Due to her active sex life and having slept with all those prisoners and frat boys, she didn't really know, which one of them had gotten her pregnant. She thought about what she was to do. Should she keep the baby? How could she find the father? And then it hit her.

She had to make a list of all the bros and cons.",5rc3gx,14658,A college girl once had a very active sex life...,"['especially', 'loved', 'hooking', 'frat', 'boy', 'men', 'sentenced', 'prison', 'kind', 'fetish', 'know', 'really', 'like', 'use', 'condom', 'though', 'dumb', 'knew', 'thought', 'felt', 'much', 'better', 'without', 'one', 'also', 'birth', 'control', 'one', 'day', 'period', 'come', 'expected', 'thought', 'probably', 'nothing', 'suspicious', 'nonetheless', 'went', 'store', 'bought', 'pregnancy', 'test', 'lo', 'behold', 'indeed', 'pregnant', 'well', 'shit', 'due', 'active', 'sex', 'life', 'slept', 'prisoner', 'frat', 'boy', 'really', 'know', 'one', 'gotten', 'pregnant', 'thought', 'keep', 'baby', 'could', 'find', 'father', 'hit', 'make', 'list', 'bros', 'con']","['college', 'girl', 'active', 'sex', 'life']","['especially', 'loved', 'hooking', 'frat', 'boy', 'men', 'sentenced', 'prison', 'kind', 'fetish', 'know', 'really', 'like', 'use', 'condom', 'though', 'dumb', 'knew', 'thought', 'felt', 'much', 'better', 'without', 'one', 'also', 'birth', 'control', 'one', 'day', 'period', 'come', 'expected', 'thought', 'probably', 'nothing', 'suspicious', 'nonetheless', 'went', 'store', 'bought', 'pregnancy', 'test', 'lo', 'behold', 'indeed', 'pregnant', 'well', 'shit', 'due', 'active', 'sex', 'life', 'slept', 'prisoner', 'frat', 'boy', 'really', 'know', 'one', 'gotten', 'pregnant', 'thought', 'keep', 'baby', 'could', 'find', 'father', 'hit', 'make', 'list', 'bros', 'con', 'college', 'girl', 'active', 'sex', 'life']",77
"A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

""Thank you, honey"", she says.

""What would you like me to bring back for you?""

He laughs and says, ""An Italian girl!""

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, ""So, honey, how was the trip?""

""Very good,"" she replies.

""And what happened to my present?""

""Which present?"" she asks.

""The one I asked for- an Italian girl!""

""Oh, that,"" she says. ""Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl.""",4u2s7z,14656,"A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport","['woman', 'go', 'italy', 'conference', 'husband', 'drive', 'airport', 'thank', 'honey', 'say', 'would', 'like', 'bring', 'back', 'laugh', 'say', 'italian', 'girl', 'conference', 'meet', 'airport', 'asks', 'honey', 'trip', 'good', 'reply', 'happened', 'present', 'present', 'asks', 'one', 'asked', 'italian', 'girl', 'oh', 'say', 'well', 'could', 'wait', 'nine', 'month', 'see', 'girl']","['woman', 'go', 'italy', 'conference', 'husband', 'drive', 'airport']","['woman', 'go', 'italy', 'conference', 'husband', 'drive', 'airport', 'thank', 'honey', 'say', 'would', 'like', 'bring', 'back', 'laugh', 'say', 'italian', 'girl', 'conference', 'meet', 'airport', 'asks', 'honey', 'trip', 'good', 'reply', 'happened', 'present', 'present', 'asks', 'one', 'asked', 'italian', 'girl', 'oh', 'say', 'well', 'could', 'wait', 'nine', 'month', 'see', 'girl', 'woman', 'go', 'italy', 'conference', 'husband', 'drive', 'airport']",50
"Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, ""Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?""",4w4zn6,14647,Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?,"['two', 'rabbit', 'chased', 'pack', 'wolf', 'wolf', 'chased', 'rabbit', 'thicket', 'minute', 'one', 'rabbit', 'turned', 'said', 'well', 'want', 'make', 'run', 'stay', 'day', 'outnumber']","['two', 'rabbit', 'chased', 'pack', 'wolf']","['two', 'rabbit', 'chased', 'pack', 'wolf', 'wolf', 'chased', 'rabbit', 'thicket', 'minute', 'one', 'rabbit', 'turned', 'said', 'well', 'want', 'make', 'run', 'stay', 'day', 'outnumber', 'two', 'rabbit', 'chased', 'pack', 'wolf']",26
"and says ""He dumped me, I guess I'll never have sex with a boy again"". Her mother asks the girl to follow her to the bathroom. From a hidden cupboard, she pulls out a pink dildo and gives it to her.

The girl angrily says ""A dildo? I have to use a stupid toy to please me?"" 

""Its a magic dildo dear,"" says her mom calmly  ""just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed by where you want it to please you and it will do the job.""

So the girl goes to her house and says ""Great Magic Dildo vagina."" The dildo immediately goes flying to her pussy, tears her underwear and rapidly penetrates her pussy, exciting her like no man has. It makes her cum harder than ever before. The girl is very pleased and tired. She lies down on the floor holding the dildo in awe when her ex-boyfriend comes barging in and says ""Hey listen, I want to talk to yo-*what* are you holding??""

""Its a Great Magic Dildo.""

Laughing, he says ""Yeah great magic dildo my ass.""",4la3gb,14621,A girl comes crying into her mother's home,"['say', 'dumped', 'guess', 'never', 'sex', 'boy', 'mother', 'asks', 'girl', 'follow', 'bathroom', 'hidden', 'cupboard', 'pull', 'pink', 'dildo', 'give', 'girl', 'angrily', 'say', 'dildo', 'use', 'stupid', 'toy', 'please', 'magic', 'dildo', 'dear', 'say', 'mom', 'calmly', 'say', 'word', 'magic', 'dildo', 'followed', 'want', 'please', 'job', 'girl', 'go', 'house', 'say', 'great', 'magic', 'dildo', 'vagina', 'dildo', 'immediately', 'go', 'flying', 'pussy', 'tear', 'underwear', 'rapidly', 'penetrates', 'pussy', 'exciting', 'like', 'man', 'make', 'cum', 'harder', 'ever', 'girl', 'pleased', 'tired', 'lie', 'floor', 'holding', 'dildo', 'awe', 'come', 'barging', 'say', 'hey', 'listen', 'want', 'talk', 'holding', 'great', 'magic', 'dildo', 'laughing', 'say', 'yeah', 'great', 'magic', 'dildo', 'as']","['girl', 'come', 'cry', 'mother', 'home']","['say', 'dumped', 'guess', 'never', 'sex', 'boy', 'mother', 'asks', 'girl', 'follow', 'bathroom', 'hidden', 'cupboard', 'pull', 'pink', 'dildo', 'give', 'girl', 'angrily', 'say', 'dildo', 'use', 'stupid', 'toy', 'please', 'magic', 'dildo', 'dear', 'say', 'mom', 'calmly', 'say', 'word', 'magic', 'dildo', 'followed', 'want', 'please', 'job', 'girl', 'go', 'house', 'say', 'great', 'magic', 'dildo', 'vagina', 'dildo', 'immediately', 'go', 'flying', 'pussy', 'tear', 'underwear', 'rapidly', 'penetrates', 'pussy', 'exciting', 'like', 'man', 'make', 'cum', 'harder', 'ever', 'girl', 'pleased', 'tired', 'lie', 'floor', 'holding', 'dildo', 'awe', 'come', 'barging', 'say', 'hey', 'listen', 'want', 'talk', 'holding', 'great', 'magic', 'dildo', 'laughing', 'say', 'yeah', 'great', 'magic', 'dildo', 'as', 'girl', 'come', 'cry', 'mother', 'home']",95
Horse dick ,4ov2lr,14611,What do gay horses eat?,"['horse', 'dick']","['gay', 'horse', 'eat']","['horse', 'dick', 'gay', 'horse', 'eat']",5
Social Security benefits.,33ljbh,14604,90s kids won't get this . . .,"['social', 'security', 'benefit']","['kid', 'wo', 'get']","['social', 'security', 'benefit', 'kid', 'wo', 'get']",6
"Obviously not.

gg y'all, inbox = rekt",2tijba,14574,Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?,"['obviously', 'gg', 'inbox', 'rekt']","['know', 'one', 'step', 'avoiding', 'clickbait']","['obviously', 'gg', 'inbox', 'rekt', 'know', 'one', 'step', 'avoiding', 'clickbait']",9
"Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, ""No!"" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Geoffrey's. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, ""NO WAY, BUDDY!"" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Geoffrey and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

He leans forwards and whispers in her ear, ""Can I pay in Pounds?""",4sb55t,14565,A British tourist visits a brothel in Germany,"['geoffrey', 'british', 'tourist', 'first', 'visit', 'germany', 'find', 'red', 'light', 'district', 'enters', 'large', 'brothel', 'madam', 'asks', 'seated', 'sends', 'young', 'lady', 'entertain', 'sit', 'talk', 'frolic', 'little', 'giggle', 'bit', 'drink', 'bit', 'sits', 'lap', 'whisper', 'ear', 'gasp', 'run', 'away', 'seeing', 'madam', 'sends', 'experienced', 'lady', 'entertain', 'gentleman', 'sit', 'talk', 'frolic', 'little', 'giggle', 'bit', 'drink', 'bit', 'sits', 'lap', 'whisper', 'ear', 'scream', 'walk', 'quickly', 'away', 'madam', 'surprised', 'ordinary', 'looking', 'man', 'asked', 'something', 'outrageous', 'two', 'girl', 'nothing', 'decides', 'experienced', 'lady', 'lola', 'lola', 'never', 'said', 'likely', 'anything', 'would', 'surprise', 'madam', 'sends', 'geoffrey', 'sit', 'talk', 'frolic', 'little', 'giggle', 'bit', 'drink', 'bit', 'sits', 'lap', 'whisper', 'ear', 'scream', 'way', 'buddy', 'smack', 'hard', 'leaf', 'madam', 'absolutely', 'intrigued', 'seen', 'nothing', 'like', 'year', 'operating', 'brothel', 'done', 'bedroom', 'work', 'long', 'time', 'sure', 'said', 'yes', 'everything', 'man', 'could', 'possibly', 'ask', 'find', 'man', 'want', 'made', 'girl', 'angry', 'besides', 'see', 'chance', 'teach', 'employee', 'lesson', 'go', 'geoffrey', 'say', 'best', 'house', 'available', 'sits', 'talk', 'frolic', 'giggle', 'drink', 'sits', 'lap', 'lean', 'forward', 'whisper', 'ear', 'pay', 'pound']","['british', 'tourist', 'visit', 'brothel', 'germany']","['geoffrey', 'british', 'tourist', 'first', 'visit', 'germany', 'find', 'red', 'light', 'district', 'enters', 'large', 'brothel', 'madam', 'asks', 'seated', 'sends', 'young', 'lady', 'entertain', 'sit', 'talk', 'frolic', 'little', 'giggle', 'bit', 'drink', 'bit', 'sits', 'lap', 'whisper', 'ear', 'gasp', 'run', 'away', 'seeing', 'madam', 'sends', 'experienced', 'lady', 'entertain', 'gentleman', 'sit', 'talk', 'frolic', 'little', 'giggle', 'bit', 'drink', 'bit', 'sits', 'lap', 'whisper', 'ear', 'scream', 'walk', 'quickly', 'away', 'madam', 'surprised', 'ordinary', 'looking', 'man', 'asked', 'something', 'outrageous', 'two', 'girl', 'nothing', 'decides', 'experienced', 'lady', 'lola', 'lola', 'never', 'said', 'likely', 'anything', 'would', 'surprise', 'madam', 'sends', 'geoffrey', 'sit', 'talk', 'frolic', 'little', 'giggle', 'bit', 'drink', 'bit', 'sits', 'lap', 'whisper', 'ear', 'scream', 'way', 'buddy', 'smack', 'hard', 'leaf', 'madam', 'absolutely', 'intrigued', 'seen', 'nothing', 'like', 'year', 'operating', 'brothel', 'done', 'bedroom', 'work', 'long', 'time', 'sure', 'said', 'yes', 'everything', 'man', 'could', 'possibly', 'ask', 'find', 'man', 'want', 'made', 'girl', 'angry', 'besides', 'see', 'chance', 'teach', 'employee', 'lesson', 'go', 'geoffrey', 'say', 'best', 'house', 'available', 'sits', 'talk', 'frolic', 'giggle', 'drink', 'sits', 'lap', 'lean', 'forward', 'whisper', 'ear', 'pay', 'pound', 'british', 'tourist', 'visit', 'brothel', 'germany']",159
He wants to make America grate again.,46r5ai,14501,Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.,"['want', 'make', 'america', 'grate']","['trump', 'want', 'ban', 'sale', 'cheese']","['want', 'make', 'america', 'grate', 'trump', 'want', 'ban', 'sale', 'cheese']",9
"A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, ""I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!""

The Madam is astonished. ""But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.""

The trucker replies, ""Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick.""",5qkbs4,14400,Not Horny.....,"['trucker', 'road', 'two', 'week', 'stop', 'brothel', 'outside', 'atlanta', 'walk', 'straight', 'madam', 'drop', 'say', 'want', 'ugliest', 'woman', 'grilled', 'cheese', 'sandwich', 'madam', 'astonished', 'sir', 'kind', 'money', 'could', 'one', 'finest', 'lady', 'meal', 'trucker', 'reply', 'listen', 'ai', 'horny', 'homesick']",['horny'],"['trucker', 'road', 'two', 'week', 'stop', 'brothel', 'outside', 'atlanta', 'walk', 'straight', 'madam', 'drop', 'say', 'want', 'ugliest', 'woman', 'grilled', 'cheese', 'sandwich', 'madam', 'astonished', 'sir', 'kind', 'money', 'could', 'one', 'finest', 'lady', 'meal', 'trucker', 'reply', 'listen', 'ai', 'horny', 'homesick', 'horny']",36
"During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, ""Watch out for the wall!"" 
",4qlu0w,14392,Dead again..,"['funeral', 'pallbearer', 'accidentally', 'bump', 'wall', 'hear', 'faint', 'moan', 'open', 'casket', 'find', 'woman', 'actually', 'alive', 'life', 'year', 'dy', 'another', 'funeral', 'end', 'service', 'pallbearer', 'carry', 'casket', 'walking', 'husband', 'cry', 'watch', 'wall']",['dead'],"['funeral', 'pallbearer', 'accidentally', 'bump', 'wall', 'hear', 'faint', 'moan', 'open', 'casket', 'find', 'woman', 'actually', 'alive', 'life', 'year', 'dy', 'another', 'funeral', 'end', 'service', 'pallbearer', 'carry', 'casket', 'walking', 'husband', 'cry', 'watch', 'wall', 'dead']",30
"The Trump card.

Edit: so that's what they mean by RIP  Inbox...",433zi6,14385,"Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have?","['trump', 'card', 'edit', 'mean', 'rip', 'inbox']","['minority', 'race', 'card', 'woman', 'gender', 'card', 'homosexual', 'gay', 'card', 'discriminatory', 'white', 'men']","['trump', 'card', 'edit', 'mean', 'rip', 'inbox', 'minority', 'race', 'card', 'woman', 'gender', 'card', 'homosexual', 'gay', 'card', 'discriminatory', 'white', 'men']",18
I guess the N's justify the means. ,4qzif1,14383,My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.,"['guess', 'n', 'justify', 'mean']","['stats', 'professor', 'told', 'larger', 'sample', 'size', 'trustworthy', 'data']","['guess', 'n', 'justify', 'mean', 'stats', 'professor', 'told', 'larger', 'sample', 'size', 'trustworthy', 'data']",12
Lazy,4vmopp,14307,My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...,['lazy'],"['friend', 'asked', 'describe', 'word']","['lazy', 'friend', 'asked', 'describe', 'word']",5
"A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: ""'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am"". The man below replied ""You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude"". 

""You must be a technician."" said the balloonist. ""I am"" replied the man ""how did you know?"" ""Well,"" answered the balloonist, ""everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."" 

The man below responded, ""You must be in management"". ""I am"" replied the balloonist, ""but how did you know?"" ""Well,"" said the man ""you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
",4gwlzr,14291,You must be in F**king management!,"['woman', 'hot', 'air', 'balloon', 'realized', 'lost', 'reduced', 'altitude', 'spotted', 'man', 'descended', 'bit', 'shouted', 'help', 'promised', 'friend', 'would', 'meet', 'hour', 'ago', 'know', 'man', 'replied', 'hot', 'air', 'balloon', 'hovering', 'approximately', 'foot', 'ground', 'degree', 'north', 'latitude', 'degree', 'west', 'longitude', 'must', 'technician', 'said', 'balloonist', 'replied', 'man', 'know', 'well', 'answered', 'balloonist', 'everything', 'told', 'probably', 'technically', 'correct', 'idea', 'make', 'information', 'fact', 'still', 'lost', 'frankly', 'much', 'help', 'anything', 'delayed', 'trip', 'talk', 'man', 'responded', 'must', 'management', 'replied', 'balloonist', 'know', 'well', 'said', 'man', 'know', 'going', 'risen', 'due', 'large', 'quantity', 'hot', 'air', 'made', 'promise', 'idea', 'keep', 'expect', 'people', 'beneath', 'solve', 'problem', 'fact', 'exactly', 'position', 'met', 'somehow', 'fucking', 'fault']","['must', 'f', 'king', 'management']","['woman', 'hot', 'air', 'balloon', 'realized', 'lost', 'reduced', 'altitude', 'spotted', 'man', 'descended', 'bit', 'shouted', 'help', 'promised', 'friend', 'would', 'meet', 'hour', 'ago', 'know', 'man', 'replied', 'hot', 'air', 'balloon', 'hovering', 'approximately', 'foot', 'ground', 'degree', 'north', 'latitude', 'degree', 'west', 'longitude', 'must', 'technician', 'said', 'balloonist', 'replied', 'man', 'know', 'well', 'answered', 'balloonist', 'everything', 'told', 'probably', 'technically', 'correct', 'idea', 'make', 'information', 'fact', 'still', 'lost', 'frankly', 'much', 'help', 'anything', 'delayed', 'trip', 'talk', 'man', 'responded', 'must', 'management', 'replied', 'balloonist', 'know', 'well', 'said', 'man', 'know', 'going', 'risen', 'due', 'large', 'quantity', 'hot', 'air', 'made', 'promise', 'idea', 'keep', 'expect', 'people', 'beneath', 'solve', 'problem', 'fact', 'exactly', 'position', 'met', 'somehow', 'fucking', 'fault', 'must', 'f', 'king', 'management']",102
"Bartender says ""Three feet tall.""

Guy says ""Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!""",4spmkr,14277,"Guy runs into a bar, yells ""Quick! How tall is a penguin?""","['bartender', 'say', 'three', 'foot', 'tall', 'guy', 'say', 'oh', 'god', 'ran', 'nun']","['guy', 'run', 'bar', 'yell', 'quick', 'tall', 'penguin']","['bartender', 'say', 'three', 'foot', 'tall', 'guy', 'say', 'oh', 'god', 'ran', 'nun', 'guy', 'run', 'bar', 'yell', 'quick', 'tall', 'penguin']",18
"At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
""This is so embarrassing,"" the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. ""I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?"" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, ""You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?""
""No,"" she replies. ""You just happened to catch my eye.""",3tfdo5,14241,Pretty woman sneezes,"['hotel', 'restaurant', 'man', 'see', 'attractive', 'woman', 'sitting', 'alone', 'next', 'table', 'suddenly', 'sneeze', 'glass', 'eye', 'come', 'flying', 'eye', 'socket', 'hurl', 'man', 'snatch', 'air', 'hand', 'back', 'embarrassing', 'woman', 'say', 'pop', 'eye', 'back', 'place', 'sorry', 'disturbed', 'let', 'buy', 'dinner', 'make', 'may', 'join', 'nod', 'woman', 'stimulating', 'conversationalist', 'stunningly', 'pretty', 'man', 'find', 'lot', 'common', 'get', 'phone', 'number', 'asks', 'charming', 'woman', 'ever', 'encountered', 'nice', 'every', 'guy', 'meet', 'reply', 'happened', 'catch', 'eye']","['pretty', 'woman', 'sneeze']","['hotel', 'restaurant', 'man', 'see', 'attractive', 'woman', 'sitting', 'alone', 'next', 'table', 'suddenly', 'sneeze', 'glass', 'eye', 'come', 'flying', 'eye', 'socket', 'hurl', 'man', 'snatch', 'air', 'hand', 'back', 'embarrassing', 'woman', 'say', 'pop', 'eye', 'back', 'place', 'sorry', 'disturbed', 'let', 'buy', 'dinner', 'make', 'may', 'join', 'nod', 'woman', 'stimulating', 'conversationalist', 'stunningly', 'pretty', 'man', 'find', 'lot', 'common', 'get', 'phone', 'number', 'asks', 'charming', 'woman', 'ever', 'encountered', 'nice', 'every', 'guy', 'meet', 'reply', 'happened', 'catch', 'eye', 'pretty', 'woman', 'sneeze']",68
The Black Plague ,5std5f,14199,Only 1300's kids will get this..,"['black', 'plague']","['kid', 'get']","['black', 'plague', 'kid', 'get']",4
An Edison.,4tgwrd,14093,What do you call a stolen Tesla?,['edison'],"['call', 'stolen', 'tesla']","['edison', 'call', 'stolen', 'tesla']",4
"He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?

The Devil says, ""Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.""

""What?"" says God. ""An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.""

The Devil responds, ""No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.""

God demands, ""If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!""

The Devil laughs. ""Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?""

",39uv7j,14087,An engineer dies and is sent to hell,"['hot', 'miserable', 'decides', 'take', 'action', 'busted', 'long', 'time', 'fix', 'thing', 'cool', 'quickly', 'moving', 'walkway', 'motor', 'jammed', 'people', 'get', 'place', 'place', 'easily', 'tv', 'grainy', 'unclear', 'fix', 'connection', 'satellite', 'dish', 'get', 'hundred', 'high', 'def', 'channel', 'one', 'day', 'god', 'decides', 'look', 'hell', 'see', 'grand', 'design', 'working', 'notice', 'everyone', 'happy', 'enjoying', 'umbrella', 'drink', 'asks', 'devil', 'devil', 'say', 'thing', 'great', 'since', 'sent', 'u', 'engineer', 'say', 'god', 'engineer', 'send', 'one', 'must', 'mistake', 'send', 'upstairs', 'immediately', 'devil', 'responds', 'way', 'want', 'keep', 'engineer', 'like', 'god', 'demand', 'send', 'immediately', 'sue', 'devil', 'laugh', 'going', 'get', 'lawyer']","['engineer', 'dy', 'sent', 'hell']","['hot', 'miserable', 'decides', 'take', 'action', 'busted', 'long', 'time', 'fix', 'thing', 'cool', 'quickly', 'moving', 'walkway', 'motor', 'jammed', 'people', 'get', 'place', 'place', 'easily', 'tv', 'grainy', 'unclear', 'fix', 'connection', 'satellite', 'dish', 'get', 'hundred', 'high', 'def', 'channel', 'one', 'day', 'god', 'decides', 'look', 'hell', 'see', 'grand', 'design', 'working', 'notice', 'everyone', 'happy', 'enjoying', 'umbrella', 'drink', 'asks', 'devil', 'devil', 'say', 'thing', 'great', 'since', 'sent', 'u', 'engineer', 'say', 'god', 'engineer', 'send', 'one', 'must', 'mistake', 'send', 'upstairs', 'immediately', 'devil', 'responds', 'way', 'want', 'keep', 'engineer', 'like', 'god', 'demand', 'send', 'immediately', 'sue', 'devil', 'laugh', 'going', 'get', 'lawyer', 'engineer', 'dy', 'sent', 'hell']",90
"Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, ""oh I get it"", and ""this joke is more like a riddle""",4l2qh0,14076,"If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?","['beauty', 'beauty', 'eye', 'beholder', 'itt', 'people', 'want', 'kill', 'people', 'think', 'dad', 'pun', 'bee', 'pun', 'beer', 'oh', 'get', 'joke', 'like', 'riddle']","['bee', 'hand', 'eye']","['beauty', 'beauty', 'eye', 'beholder', 'itt', 'people', 'want', 'kill', 'people', 'think', 'dad', 'pun', 'bee', 'pun', 'beer', 'oh', 'get', 'joke', 'like', 'riddle', 'bee', 'hand', 'eye']",23
"They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.   

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' 
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.   

They moused.   
They faxed.   
They e-mailed.   
They e-mailed with attachments.   
They downloaded.   
They did spreadsheets!   
They wrote reports.   
They created labels and cards.   
They created charts and graphs.   
They did some genealogy reports .  
They did every job known to man.     

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. 
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. 
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.   

Jesus just sighed. 
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' 
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.   

Satan observed this and became irate. 
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?' 
  
God just shrugged and said, 
JESUS SAVES...",513u6f,14053,Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.,"['going', 'day', 'frankly', 'god', 'tired', 'hearing', 'bickering', 'finally', 'fed', 'god', 'said', 'enough', 'going', 'setup', 'test', 'run', 'two', 'hour', 'result', 'judge', 'better', 'job', 'satan', 'jesus', 'sat', 'keyboard', 'typed', 'away', 'moused', 'faxed', 'attachment', 'downloaded', 'spreadsheet', 'wrote', 'report', 'created', 'label', 'card', 'created', 'chart', 'graph', 'genealogy', 'report', 'every', 'job', 'known', 'man', 'jesus', 'worked', 'heavenly', 'efficiency', 'satan', 'faster', 'hell', 'ten', 'minute', 'time', 'lightning', 'suddenly', 'flashed', 'across', 'sky', 'thunder', 'rolled', 'rain', 'poured', 'course', 'power', 'went', 'satan', 'stared', 'blank', 'screen', 'screamed', 'every', 'curse', 'word', 'known', 'underworld', 'jesus', 'sighed', 'finally', 'electricity', 'came', 'back', 'restarted', 'computer', 'satan', 'started', 'searching', 'frantically', 'screaming', 'gone', 'gone', 'lost', 'everything', 'power', 'went', 'meanwhile', 'jesus', 'quietly', 'started', 'printing', 'file', 'past', 'two', 'hour', 'work', 'satan', 'observed', 'became', 'irate', 'screamed', 'fair', 'cheated', 'come', 'work', 'god', 'shrugged', 'said', 'jesus', 'save']","['jesus', 'satan', 'argument', 'better', 'computer']","['going', 'day', 'frankly', 'god', 'tired', 'hearing', 'bickering', 'finally', 'fed', 'god', 'said', 'enough', 'going', 'setup', 'test', 'run', 'two', 'hour', 'result', 'judge', 'better', 'job', 'satan', 'jesus', 'sat', 'keyboard', 'typed', 'away', 'moused', 'faxed', 'attachment', 'downloaded', 'spreadsheet', 'wrote', 'report', 'created', 'label', 'card', 'created', 'chart', 'graph', 'genealogy', 'report', 'every', 'job', 'known', 'man', 'jesus', 'worked', 'heavenly', 'efficiency', 'satan', 'faster', 'hell', 'ten', 'minute', 'time', 'lightning', 'suddenly', 'flashed', 'across', 'sky', 'thunder', 'rolled', 'rain', 'poured', 'course', 'power', 'went', 'satan', 'stared', 'blank', 'screen', 'screamed', 'every', 'curse', 'word', 'known', 'underworld', 'jesus', 'sighed', 'finally', 'electricity', 'came', 'back', 'restarted', 'computer', 'satan', 'started', 'searching', 'frantically', 'screaming', 'gone', 'gone', 'lost', 'everything', 'power', 'went', 'meanwhile', 'jesus', 'quietly', 'started', 'printing', 'file', 'past', 'two', 'hour', 'work', 'satan', 'observed', 'became', 'irate', 'screamed', 'fair', 'cheated', 'come', 'work', 'god', 'shrugged', 'said', 'jesus', 'save', 'jesus', 'satan', 'argument', 'better', 'computer']",127
21.,4ru1dt,14045,19 and 20 had a fight.,[],['fight'],['fight'],1
"I really hope it's Todd, he's cute",4m1ag7,13992,My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends...,"['really', 'hope', 'todd', 'cute']","['friend', 'say', 'gay', 'guy', 'circle', 'friend']","['really', 'hope', 'todd', 'cute', 'friend', 'say', 'gay', 'guy', 'circle', 'friend']",10
"Donald looks down on the cities below and says ""I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says ""Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"" 
So then Ivanka says ""Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?"" To that the pilot says "" Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"" 

EDIT: Thank you for the gold!! ",5rtl6q,13893,The trump family is flying from New York to DC,"['donald', 'look', 'city', 'say', 'think', 'throw', 'bill', 'window', 'make', 'american', 'happy', 'melanie', 'say', 'oh', 'honey', 'throw', 'bill', 'make', 'american', 'happy', 'ivanka', 'say', 'even', 'better', 'daddy', 'throw', 'ten', 'dollar', 'bill', 'window', 'make', 'american', 'happy', 'pilot', 'say', 'dont', 'jump', 'window', 'make', 'whole', 'country', 'happy', 'edit', 'thank', 'gold']","['trump', 'family', 'flying', 'new', 'york', 'dc']","['donald', 'look', 'city', 'say', 'think', 'throw', 'bill', 'window', 'make', 'american', 'happy', 'melanie', 'say', 'oh', 'honey', 'throw', 'bill', 'make', 'american', 'happy', 'ivanka', 'say', 'even', 'better', 'daddy', 'throw', 'ten', 'dollar', 'bill', 'window', 'make', 'american', 'happy', 'pilot', 'say', 'dont', 'jump', 'window', 'make', 'whole', 'country', 'happy', 'edit', 'thank', 'gold', 'trump', 'family', 'flying', 'new', 'york', 'dc']",51
π-rates.,4ofred,13882,3.14% of sailors are...,[],['sailor'],['sailor'],1
"A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.

When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield

The little girl asks: *Mommy, what was that?*

The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: *It was just a bug honey.*

The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: *It sure had a big dick.*",3gwm1e,13838,Highway Dildo,"['little', 'girl', 'riding', 'along', 'highway', 'mom', 'suddenly', 'dildo', 'fall', 'truck', 'front', 'hit', 'windshield', 'little', 'girl', 'asks', 'mommy', 'mom', 'wanting', 'little', 'girl', 'know', 'sex', 'yet', 'answer', 'bug', 'honey', 'little', 'girl', 'sits', 'quitely', 'exclaiming', 'sure', 'big', 'dick']","['highway', 'dildo']","['little', 'girl', 'riding', 'along', 'highway', 'mom', 'suddenly', 'dildo', 'fall', 'truck', 'front', 'hit', 'windshield', 'little', 'girl', 'asks', 'mommy', 'mom', 'wanting', 'little', 'girl', 'know', 'sex', 'yet', 'answer', 'bug', 'honey', 'little', 'girl', 'sits', 'quitely', 'exclaiming', 'sure', 'big', 'dick', 'highway', 'dildo']",37
Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.,3oc8k3,13819,As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?,"['nothing', 'engineering', 'perfect']","['german', 'ask', 'know', 'really', 'grind', 'gear']","['nothing', 'engineering', 'perfect', 'german', 'ask', 'know', 'really', 'grind', 'gear']",9
He was high on my list of priorities,4e2nal,13798,Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap,"['high', 'list', 'priority']","['today', 'stoner', 'friend', 'used', 'list', 'blunt', 'wrap']","['high', 'list', 'priority', 'today', 'stoner', 'friend', 'used', 'list', 'blunt', 'wrap']",10
...has always been my Achilles' elbow.,522ymn,13776,My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...,"['always', 'achilles', 'elbow']","['poor', 'knowledge', 'greek', 'mythology']","['always', 'achilles', 'elbow', 'poor', 'knowledge', 'greek', 'mythology']",7
"A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, ""Grandpa, can I have a beer?"" Grandpa replied, ""Can your dick touch your asshole ?"" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said ""Then you're not man enough to have a beer."" 

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, ""Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"" Once again, Grandpa asked, ""Can your dick touch your asshole ?"" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, ""Then your not man enough to have a cigar."" 

A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, ""Can I have a cookie?"" The boy asked ""Can your dick touch your asshole ?"" Grandpa replied, ""Hell yeah it can!"" The boy replied, ""Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."" 

",51hxta,13750,Can your dick touch your asshole?,"['five', 'year', 'old', 'boy', 'grandfather', 'sitting', 'front', 'porch', 'together', 'grandpa', 'pull', 'beer', 'cooler', 'little', 'boy', 'asked', 'grandpa', 'beer', 'grandpa', 'replied', 'dick', 'touch', 'asshole', 'little', 'boy', 'answered', 'grandpa', 'said', 'man', 'enough', 'beer', 'little', 'later', 'grandpa', 'light', 'cigar', 'little', 'boy', 'asked', 'grandpa', 'cigar', 'grandpa', 'asked', 'dick', 'touch', 'asshole', 'little', 'boy', 'answered', 'grandpa', 'said', 'man', 'enough', 'cigar', 'little', 'later', 'little', 'boy', 'came', 'house', 'cookie', 'grandpa', 'asked', 'cookie', 'boy', 'asked', 'dick', 'touch', 'asshole', 'grandpa', 'replied', 'hell', 'yeah', 'boy', 'replied', 'go', 'fuck', 'grandma', 'made', 'cooky']","['dick', 'touch', 'asshole']","['five', 'year', 'old', 'boy', 'grandfather', 'sitting', 'front', 'porch', 'together', 'grandpa', 'pull', 'beer', 'cooler', 'little', 'boy', 'asked', 'grandpa', 'beer', 'grandpa', 'replied', 'dick', 'touch', 'asshole', 'little', 'boy', 'answered', 'grandpa', 'said', 'man', 'enough', 'beer', 'little', 'later', 'grandpa', 'light', 'cigar', 'little', 'boy', 'asked', 'grandpa', 'cigar', 'grandpa', 'asked', 'dick', 'touch', 'asshole', 'little', 'boy', 'answered', 'grandpa', 'said', 'man', 'enough', 'cigar', 'little', 'later', 'little', 'boy', 'came', 'house', 'cookie', 'grandpa', 'asked', 'cookie', 'boy', 'asked', 'dick', 'touch', 'asshole', 'grandpa', 'replied', 'hell', 'yeah', 'boy', 'replied', 'go', 'fuck', 'grandma', 'made', 'cooky', 'dick', 'touch', 'asshole']",83
The look on their face when you're nailing them.,4c2hvq,13703,What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?,"['look', 'face', 'nailing']","['difference', 'hooker', 'jesus']","['look', 'face', 'nailing', 'difference', 'hooker', 'jesus']",6
www.reddit.com,34ckv7,13685,I found a website with guaranteed real virgins [NSFW],[],"['found', 'website', 'guaranteed', 'real', 'virgin', 'nsfw']","['found', 'website', 'guaranteed', 'real', 'virgin', 'nsfw']",6
"\-Son, leave the room please.

\-Dad, but I'm 23...

\-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.",52y76a,13677,Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins,"['leave', 'room', 'please', 'give', 'fuck', 'old', 'going', 'watch', 'jack']","['dad', 'son', 'watching', 'movie', 'sex', 'scene', 'begin']","['leave', 'room', 'please', 'give', 'fuck', 'old', 'going', 'watch', 'jack', 'dad', 'son', 'watching', 'movie', 'sex', 'scene', 'begin']",16
"""Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.""",3w3sol,13667,"""Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital...""","['jeremy', 'doctor', 'year', 'please', 'stop', 'starting', 'every', 'phone', 'conversation']","['mom', 'freak', 'hospital']","['jeremy', 'doctor', 'year', 'please', 'stop', 'starting', 'every', 'phone', 'conversation', 'mom', 'freak', 'hospital']",12
"Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.",5ru638,13626,My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code,"['last', 'night', 'example', 'could', 'fall', 'asleep', 'rain', 'kept', 'telling', 'go', 'fuck']","['life', 'completely', 'changed', 'learned', 'morse', 'code']","['last', 'night', 'example', 'could', 'fall', 'asleep', 'rain', 'kept', 'telling', 'go', 'fuck', 'life', 'completely', 'changed', 'learned', 'morse', 'code']",17
"They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.  They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. 

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother.'",2sup5s,13621,A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall,"['amazed', 'almost', 'everything', 'saw', 'especially', 'two', 'shiny', 'silver', 'wall', 'could', 'move', 'apart', 'slide', 'back', 'together', 'boy', 'asked', 'father', 'father', 'never', 'seen', 'elevator', 'responded', 'never', 'seen', 'anything', 'like', 'life', 'know', 'boy', 'father', 'watching', 'amazement', 'fat', 'old', 'lady', 'wheel', 'chair', 'moved', 'moving', 'wall', 'pressed', 'button', 'wall', 'opened', 'lady', 'rolled', 'small', 'room', 'wall', 'closed', 'boy', 'father', 'watched', 'small', 'number', 'wall', 'light', 'sequentially', 'continued', 'watch', 'reached', 'last', 'number', 'number', 'began', 'light', 'reverse', 'order', 'finally', 'wall', 'opened', 'gorgeous', 'blond', 'stepped', 'father', 'taking', 'eye', 'young', 'woman', 'said', 'quietly', 'son', 'get', 'mother']","['fifteen', 'year', 'old', 'amish', 'boy', 'father', 'mall']","['amazed', 'almost', 'everything', 'saw', 'especially', 'two', 'shiny', 'silver', 'wall', 'could', 'move', 'apart', 'slide', 'back', 'together', 'boy', 'asked', 'father', 'father', 'never', 'seen', 'elevator', 'responded', 'never', 'seen', 'anything', 'like', 'life', 'know', 'boy', 'father', 'watching', 'amazement', 'fat', 'old', 'lady', 'wheel', 'chair', 'moved', 'moving', 'wall', 'pressed', 'button', 'wall', 'opened', 'lady', 'rolled', 'small', 'room', 'wall', 'closed', 'boy', 'father', 'watched', 'small', 'number', 'wall', 'light', 'sequentially', 'continued', 'watch', 'reached', 'last', 'number', 'number', 'began', 'light', 'reverse', 'order', 'finally', 'wall', 'opened', 'gorgeous', 'blond', 'stepped', 'father', 'taking', 'eye', 'young', 'woman', 'said', 'quietly', 'son', 'get', 'mother', 'fifteen', 'year', 'old', 'amish', 'boy', 'father', 'mall']",92
"The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :

""Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!""

The drunk says ""No shit, that's why I took my car!""",4ugrah,13532,A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.,"['cop', 'open', 'door', 'driver', 'fall', 'onto', 'asphalt', 'cop', 'say', 'holy', 'shit', 'drunk', 'ca', 'even', 'walk', 'drunk', 'say', 'shit', 'took', 'car']","['cop', 'pull', 'guy', 'suspected', 'drunk', 'driving']","['cop', 'open', 'door', 'driver', 'fall', 'onto', 'asphalt', 'cop', 'say', 'holy', 'shit', 'drunk', 'ca', 'even', 'walk', 'drunk', 'say', 'shit', 'took', 'car', 'cop', 'pull', 'guy', 'suspected', 'drunk', 'driving']",26
"A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.  
  
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.  
  
The frog said to her, ""If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.""  
  
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, ""Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.  
  
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!""  
  
The woman said, ""That's okay.""  
  
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.  
  
The frog warned ☝her, ""You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to"".  
  
The woman replied, ""That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.""  
  
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!  
  
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.  
  
The frog said, ""That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.""  
  
The woman said, ""That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.""  
  
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!  
  
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, ""I'd like a mild heart attack.""  
  
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.  
  
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.  
  
Male readers: Please scroll down.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.  
  
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.  
  
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.  
  
Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.",53bqmt,13505,A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...,"['woman', 'golfing', 'one', 'day', 'hit', 'ball', 'wood', 'went', 'wood', 'look', 'found', 'frog', 'trap', 'frog', 'said', 'release', 'trap', 'grant', 'three', 'wish', 'woman', 'freed', 'frog', 'frog', 'said', 'thank', 'failed', 'mention', 'condition', 'wish', 'whatever', 'wish', 'husband', 'get', 'time', 'ten', 'woman', 'said', 'okay', 'first', 'wish', 'wanted', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'world', 'frog', 'warned', 'realize', 'wish', 'also', 'make', 'husband', 'handsome', 'man', 'world', 'adonis', 'woman', 'flock', 'woman', 'replied', 'okay', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'eye', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'world', 'second', 'wish', 'wanted', 'richest', 'woman', 'world', 'frog', 'said', 'make', 'husband', 'richest', 'man', 'world', 'ten', 'time', 'richer', 'woman', 'said', 'okay', 'mine', 'mine', 'richest', 'woman', 'world', 'frog', 'inquired', 'third', 'wish', 'answered', 'like', 'mild', 'heart', 'attack', 'moral', 'story', 'woman', 'clever', 'mess', 'attention', 'female', 'reader', 'end', 'joke', 'stop', 'continue', 'feeling', 'good', 'male', 'reader', 'please', 'scroll', 'man', 'heart', 'attack', 'ten', 'time', 'milder', 'wife', 'moral', 'story', 'woman', 'think', 'really', 'smart', 'let', 'continue', 'think', 'way', 'enjoy', 'show', 'note', 'woman', 'still', 'reading', 'go', 'show', 'woman', 'never', 'listen']","['woman', 'golfing', 'find', 'frog', 'trapped', 'wood']","['woman', 'golfing', 'one', 'day', 'hit', 'ball', 'wood', 'went', 'wood', 'look', 'found', 'frog', 'trap', 'frog', 'said', 'release', 'trap', 'grant', 'three', 'wish', 'woman', 'freed', 'frog', 'frog', 'said', 'thank', 'failed', 'mention', 'condition', 'wish', 'whatever', 'wish', 'husband', 'get', 'time', 'ten', 'woman', 'said', 'okay', 'first', 'wish', 'wanted', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'world', 'frog', 'warned', 'realize', 'wish', 'also', 'make', 'husband', 'handsome', 'man', 'world', 'adonis', 'woman', 'flock', 'woman', 'replied', 'okay', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'eye', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'world', 'second', 'wish', 'wanted', 'richest', 'woman', 'world', 'frog', 'said', 'make', 'husband', 'richest', 'man', 'world', 'ten', 'time', 'richer', 'woman', 'said', 'okay', 'mine', 'mine', 'richest', 'woman', 'world', 'frog', 'inquired', 'third', 'wish', 'answered', 'like', 'mild', 'heart', 'attack', 'moral', 'story', 'woman', 'clever', 'mess', 'attention', 'female', 'reader', 'end', 'joke', 'stop', 'continue', 'feeling', 'good', 'male', 'reader', 'please', 'scroll', 'man', 'heart', 'attack', 'ten', 'time', 'milder', 'wife', 'moral', 'story', 'woman', 'think', 'really', 'smart', 'let', 'continue', 'think', 'way', 'enjoy', 'show', 'note', 'woman', 'still', 'reading', 'go', 'show', 'woman', 'never', 'listen', 'woman', 'golfing', 'find', 'frog', 'trapped', 'wood']",152
"Must be why I'm an only child

Edit: First time on front page thanks guys!",5rf224,13497,My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice,"['must', 'child', 'edit', 'first', 'time', 'front', 'page', 'thanks', 'guy']","['dad', 'always', 'told', 'never', 'made', 'mistake', 'twice']","['must', 'child', 'edit', 'first', 'time', 'front', 'page', 'thanks', 'guy', 'dad', 'always', 'told', 'never', 'made', 'mistake', 'twice']",16
"She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said ""honey, he just wanted to see your underwear."" The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said ""I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole."" Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother ""mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear.""

Edit: I'm fairly new to reddit. This joke exploded. Thanks for the welcome party lol",2wnity,13463,A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...,"['agrees', 'climb', 'flagpole', 'get', 'home', 'tell', 'mother', 'happened', 'mother', 'said', 'honey', 'wanted', 'see', 'underwear', 'next', 'day', 'boy', 'standing', 'flagpole', 'said', 'give', 'climb', 'flagpole', 'agrees', 'climb', 'go', 'home', 'tell', 'mother', 'mom', 'boy', 'paid', 'climb', 'flagpole', 'outsmarted', 'time', 'wear', 'underwear', 'edit', 'fairly', 'new', 'reddit', 'joke', 'exploded', 'thanks', 'welcome', 'party', 'lol']","['boy', 'paid', 'girl', 'climb', 'flagpole']","['agrees', 'climb', 'flagpole', 'get', 'home', 'tell', 'mother', 'happened', 'mother', 'said', 'honey', 'wanted', 'see', 'underwear', 'next', 'day', 'boy', 'standing', 'flagpole', 'said', 'give', 'climb', 'flagpole', 'agrees', 'climb', 'go', 'home', 'tell', 'mother', 'mom', 'boy', 'paid', 'climb', 'flagpole', 'outsmarted', 'time', 'wear', 'underwear', 'edit', 'fairly', 'new', 'reddit', 'joke', 'exploded', 'thanks', 'welcome', 'party', 'lol', 'boy', 'paid', 'girl', 'climb', 'flagpole']",53
"I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.",4lklsg,13453,My wife left me for an Indian guy,"['know', 'going', 'treat', 'well', 'heard', 'worship', 'cow']","['wife', 'left', 'indian', 'guy']","['know', 'going', 'treat', 'well', 'heard', 'worship', 'cow', 'wife', 'left', 'indian', 'guy']",11
You will be mist.,52nq0f,13371,RIP boiling water,['mist'],"['rip', 'boiling', 'water']","['mist', 'rip', 'boiling', 'water']",4
that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan,43x82y,13358,9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda,"['doctor', 'life', 'flint', 'michigan']","['doctor', 'reccommend', 'child', 'drink', 'water', 'instead', 'soda']","['doctor', 'life', 'flint', 'michigan', 'doctor', 'reccommend', 'child', 'drink', 'water', 'instead', 'soda']",11
"Him: ""What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?""

Me: ""I dunno, what?""

Him (loudly): ""An elephant sticking his trunk up!""",50ka52,13353,A joke my 4 year old came up with today...,"['mammal', 'breathe', 'water', 'dunno', 'loudly', 'elephant', 'sticking', 'trunk']","['joke', 'year', 'old', 'came', 'today']","['mammal', 'breathe', 'water', 'dunno', 'loudly', 'elephant', 'sticking', 'trunk', 'joke', 'year', 'old', 'came', 'today']",13
black people would rob me,3i41wp,13344,If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist,"['black', 'people', 'would', 'rob']","['got', 'every', 'time', 'somebody', 'called', 'racist']","['black', 'people', 'would', 'rob', 'got', 'every', 'time', 'somebody', 'called', 'racist']",10
"Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!",4hutiw,13324,Wives are like grenades...,"['remove', 'ring', 'boom', 'house', 'gone']","['wife', 'like', 'grenade']","['remove', 'ring', 'boom', 'house', 'gone', 'wife', 'like', 'grenade']",8
Trying to get into smaller pants. ,3hm1sv,13323,Jared Fogle Of Subway Started and Ended His Career The Same Way.,"['trying', 'get', 'smaller', 'pant']","['jared', 'fogle', 'subway', 'started', 'ended', 'career', 'way']","['trying', 'get', 'smaller', 'pant', 'jared', 'fogle', 'subway', 'started', 'ended', 'career', 'way']",11
"Disabled.




EDIT: First post and front page. Woohoo!",4mzfo1,13315,I like my porn just how I like my search history,"['disabled', 'edit', 'first', 'post', 'front', 'page', 'woohoo']","['like', 'porn', 'like', 'search', 'history']","['disabled', 'edit', 'first', 'post', 'front', 'page', 'woohoo', 'like', 'porn', 'like', 'search', 'history']",12
"Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.

The first surgeon says, ""I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order"".

The second surgeon says, ""I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order"".

The third surgeon says, ""I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded.""

The fourth surgeon says, ""I like operating on politicians.""

The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.

The fourth surgeon continues, ""Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable.""",4s5qw4,13302,Four Surgeons,"['four', 'surgeon', 'sit', 'around', 'discussing', 'favorite', 'patient', 'first', 'surgeon', 'say', 'like', 'operating', 'librarian', 'open', 'everything', 'alphabetical', 'order', 'second', 'surgeon', 'say', 'like', 'operating', 'accountant', 'open', 'everything', 'numerical', 'order', 'third', 'surgeon', 'say', 'like', 'operating', 'electrician', 'open', 'everything', 'color', 'coded', 'fourth', 'surgeon', 'say', 'like', 'operating', 'politician', 'three', 'surgeon', 'look', 'disbelief', 'fourth', 'surgeon', 'continues', 'heartless', 'gutless', 'spineless', 'as', 'head', 'interchangeable']","['four', 'surgeon']","['four', 'surgeon', 'sit', 'around', 'discussing', 'favorite', 'patient', 'first', 'surgeon', 'say', 'like', 'operating', 'librarian', 'open', 'everything', 'alphabetical', 'order', 'second', 'surgeon', 'say', 'like', 'operating', 'accountant', 'open', 'everything', 'numerical', 'order', 'third', 'surgeon', 'say', 'like', 'operating', 'electrician', 'open', 'everything', 'color', 'coded', 'fourth', 'surgeon', 'say', 'like', 'operating', 'politician', 'three', 'surgeon', 'look', 'disbelief', 'fourth', 'surgeon', 'continues', 'heartless', 'gutless', 'spineless', 'as', 'head', 'interchangeable', 'four', 'surgeon']",58
They did unspeakable things to me.,4or8y7,13268,Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists...,"['unspeakable', 'thing']","['ive', 'molested', 'group', 'mime', 'artist']","['unspeakable', 'thing', 'ive', 'molested', 'group', 'mime', 'artist']",7
"If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...",4rcmyl,13249,"Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window...","['get', 'worse', 'let']","['since', 'started', 'raining', 'wife', 'done', 'look', 'sadly', 'stupid', 'window']","['get', 'worse', 'let', 'since', 'started', 'raining', 'wife', 'done', 'look', 'sadly', 'stupid', 'window']",12
"A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
",4g48s3,13222,A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..,"['teenage', 'boy', 'getting', 'ready', 'take', 'girlfriend', 'prom', 'first', 'go', 'rent', 'tux', 'long', 'tux', 'line', 'shop', 'take', 'forever', 'next', 'get', 'flower', 'head', 'florist', 'huge', 'flower', 'line', 'wait', 'forever', 'eventually', 'get', 'flower', 'head', 'rent', 'limo', 'unfortunately', 'large', 'limo', 'line', 'rental', 'office', 'patient', 'get', 'job', 'done', 'finally', 'day', 'prom', 'come', 'two', 'dancing', 'happily', 'girlfriend', 'great', 'time', 'song', 'asks', 'get', 'punch', 'head', 'punch', 'table', 'punchline']","['teenage', 'boy', 'getting', 'ready', 'take', 'girlfriend', 'prom']","['teenage', 'boy', 'getting', 'ready', 'take', 'girlfriend', 'prom', 'first', 'go', 'rent', 'tux', 'long', 'tux', 'line', 'shop', 'take', 'forever', 'next', 'get', 'flower', 'head', 'florist', 'huge', 'flower', 'line', 'wait', 'forever', 'eventually', 'get', 'flower', 'head', 'rent', 'limo', 'unfortunately', 'large', 'limo', 'line', 'rental', 'office', 'patient', 'get', 'job', 'done', 'finally', 'day', 'prom', 'come', 'two', 'dancing', 'happily', 'girlfriend', 'great', 'time', 'song', 'asks', 'get', 'punch', 'head', 'punch', 'table', 'punchline', 'teenage', 'boy', 'getting', 'ready', 'take', 'girlfriend', 'prom']",68
The title says it all.,4pamaz,13221,It all.,"['title', 'say']",[],"['title', 'say']",2
"Because it had a bad driver!

*drops mic*",3k8vdu,13206,I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?,"['bad', 'driver', 'drop', 'mic']","['give', 'joke', 'made', 'seven', 'computer', 'crash']","['bad', 'driver', 'drop', 'mic', 'give', 'joke', 'made', 'seven', 'computer', 'crash']",10
The Ex-Men.,4bhurd,13176,"If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on?",[],"['caitlyn', 'jenner', 'super', 'hero', 'team', 'would']","['caitlyn', 'jenner', 'super', 'hero', 'team', 'would']",6
"So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.  
  
  
Edit:  
This got a lot more upvotes than i expected.",3v966f,13102,"Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.","['throw', 'cigarette', 'overboard', 'whole', 'boat', 'becomes', 'cigarette', 'lighter', 'edit', 'got', 'lot', 'upvotes', 'expected']","['three', 'men', 'boat', 'four', 'cigarette', 'nothing', 'light']","['throw', 'cigarette', 'overboard', 'whole', 'boat', 'becomes', 'cigarette', 'lighter', 'edit', 'got', 'lot', 'upvotes', 'expected', 'three', 'men', 'boat', 'four', 'cigarette', 'nothing', 'light']",20
That way it will never come for me,453t62,13092,I hope Death is a woman,"['way', 'never', 'come']","['hope', 'death', 'woman']","['way', 'never', 'come', 'hope', 'death', 'woman']",6
"At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin. 

It's what he would have wanted...",4kzkaj,13090,My friend Tommy drowned the other day...,"['funeral', 'placed', 'lifejacket', 'coffin', 'would', 'wanted']","['friend', 'tommy', 'drowned', 'day']","['funeral', 'placed', 'lifejacket', 'coffin', 'would', 'wanted', 'friend', 'tommy', 'drowned', 'day']",10
"April, fools",4cvm0b,13026,What is Mr. T's favorite month?,"['april', 'fool']","['favorite', 'month']","['april', 'fool', 'favorite', 'month']",4
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.  Prophets are going through the roof.,4aol73,13021,I started a company...,"['started', 'company', 'selling', 'land', 'mine', 'look', 'like', 'prayer', 'mat', 'prophet', 'going', 'roof']","['started', 'company']","['started', 'company', 'selling', 'land', 'mine', 'look', 'like', 'prayer', 'mat', 'prophet', 'going', 'roof', 'started', 'company']",14
"Because fuck you, you stupid piece of shit. ",3o86pg,12975,Damn girl are you a Rubik's cube?,"['fuck', 'stupid', 'piece', 'shit']","['damn', 'girl', 'rubik', 'cube']","['fuck', 'stupid', 'piece', 'shit', 'damn', 'girl', 'rubik', 'cube']",8
He started counting and fell asleep.,5qorbh,12914,I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had.,"['started', 'counting', 'fell', 'asleep']","['asked', 'welsh', 'mate', 'many', 'sexual', 'partner']","['started', 'counting', 'fell', 'asleep', 'asked', 'welsh', 'mate', 'many', 'sexual', 'partner']",10
It was having a mid-life crisis.,4ywvul,12907,Why was the baby in Africa crying?,['crisis'],"['baby', 'africa', 'cry']","['crisis', 'baby', 'africa', 'cry']",4
Apparently she left me two days ago.,4v7k9q,12901,"I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...","['apparently', 'left', 'two', 'day', 'ago']","['could', 'find', 'thingy', 'peel', 'potato', 'carrot', 'asked', 'kid']","['apparently', 'left', 'two', 'day', 'ago', 'could', 'find', 'thingy', 'peel', 'potato', 'carrot', 'asked', 'kid']",13
"Mumbai!
",4vgu6t,12881,What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school?,['mumbai'],"['indian', 'boy', 'say', 'mother', 'left', 'school']","['mumbai', 'indian', 'boy', 'say', 'mother', 'left', 'school']",7
"When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. 

""Tarzan not know sex."" he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was. 

Tarzan said, ""Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.""

Horrified, Jane said, ""Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it  properly."" 

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. 

""Here."" she said, pointing to her privates, ""You must put it in here."" 

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!  

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.  

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, ""What did you do that for?!""

Tarzan replied, ""Check for squirrel.""",4uczpi,12870,"Me Tarzan, you Jane...","['jane', 'first', 'met', 'tarzan', 'jungle', 'instantly', 'attracted', 'question', 'life', 'asked', 'ever', 'sex', 'tarzan', 'know', 'sex', 'replied', 'jane', 'explained', 'tarzan', 'said', 'ohhh', 'tarzan', 'use', 'knot', 'hole', 'trunk', 'tree', 'horrified', 'jane', 'said', 'tarzan', 'wrong', 'show', 'properly', 'took', 'clothing', 'lay', 'ground', 'said', 'pointing', 'private', 'must', 'put', 'tarzan', 'removed', 'loin', 'cloth', 'showing', 'jane', 'considerable', 'manhood', 'stepped', 'closer', 'kicked', 'right', 'crotch', 'jane', 'rolled', 'around', 'agony', 'seemed', 'like', 'eternity', 'eventually', 'managed', 'gasp', 'air', 'screamed', 'tarzan', 'replied', 'check', 'squirrel']","['tarzan', 'jane']","['jane', 'first', 'met', 'tarzan', 'jungle', 'instantly', 'attracted', 'question', 'life', 'asked', 'ever', 'sex', 'tarzan', 'know', 'sex', 'replied', 'jane', 'explained', 'tarzan', 'said', 'ohhh', 'tarzan', 'use', 'knot', 'hole', 'trunk', 'tree', 'horrified', 'jane', 'said', 'tarzan', 'wrong', 'show', 'properly', 'took', 'clothing', 'lay', 'ground', 'said', 'pointing', 'private', 'must', 'put', 'tarzan', 'removed', 'loin', 'cloth', 'showing', 'jane', 'considerable', 'manhood', 'stepped', 'closer', 'kicked', 'right', 'crotch', 'jane', 'rolled', 'around', 'agony', 'seemed', 'like', 'eternity', 'eventually', 'managed', 'gasp', 'air', 'screamed', 'tarzan', 'replied', 'check', 'squirrel', 'tarzan', 'jane']",74
"The policeman approaches the drivers door.

""Is there a problem, Officer?""

The policeman says, ""Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?""

The driver responds, ""I'd give it to you but I don't have one.""

""You don't have one?""

The man responds, ""I lost it four times for drink driving.""

The policeman is shocked. ""I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?""

""I'm sorry, I can't do that.""

The policeman says, ""Why not?""

""I stole this car.""

The officer says, ""Stole it?""

The man says, ""Yes, and I killed the owner.""

At this point the officer is getting irate. ""You what?""

""She's in the boot if you want to see.""

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, ""Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!""

The man steps out of his vehicle. ""Is there a problem, sir?""

""One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.""

""Murdered the owner?""

The officer responds, ""Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?""

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, ""Is this your car sir?""

The man says, ""Yes"" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. ""One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.""

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. ""Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.""

The man replies, ""I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!""

Edit: Whoa - front page! ",34e7cl,12844,A driver is pulled over by a policeman....,"['policeman', 'approach', 'driver', 'door', 'problem', 'officer', 'policeman', 'say', 'sir', 'speeding', 'see', 'license', 'please', 'driver', 'responds', 'give', 'one', 'one', 'man', 'responds', 'lost', 'four', 'time', 'drink', 'driving', 'policeman', 'shocked', 'see', 'see', 'vehicle', 'registration', 'paper', 'please', 'sorry', 'ca', 'policeman', 'say', 'stole', 'car', 'officer', 'say', 'stole', 'man', 'say', 'yes', 'killed', 'owner', 'point', 'officer', 'getting', 'irate', 'boot', 'want', 'see', 'officer', 'look', 'man', 'slowly', 'back', 'away', 'car', 'call', 'back', 'within', 'minute', 'five', 'police', 'car', 'show', 'surrounding', 'car', 'senior', 'officer', 'slowly', 'approach', 'car', 'clasping', 'gun', 'senior', 'officer', 'say', 'sir', 'could', 'step', 'vehicle', 'please', 'man', 'step', 'vehicle', 'problem', 'sir', 'one', 'officer', 'told', 'stolen', 'car', 'murdered', 'owner', 'murdered', 'owner', 'officer', 'responds', 'yes', 'could', 'please', 'open', 'boot', 'car', 'please', 'man', 'open', 'boot', 'revealing', 'nothing', 'empty', 'boot', 'officer', 'say', 'car', 'sir', 'man', 'say', 'yes', 'hand', 'registration', 'paper', 'officer', 'understandably', 'quite', 'stunned', 'one', 'officer', 'claim', 'driving', 'licence', 'man', 'dig', 'pocket', 'revealing', 'wallet', 'hand', 'officer', 'officer', 'open', 'wallet', 'examines', 'licence', 'look', 'quite', 'puzzled', 'thank', 'sir', 'one', 'officer', 'told', 'licence', 'stole', 'car', 'murdered', 'owner', 'man', 'reply', 'bet', 'lying', 'bastard', 'told', 'speeding', 'edit', 'whoa', 'front', 'page']","['driver', 'pulled', 'policeman']","['policeman', 'approach', 'driver', 'door', 'problem', 'officer', 'policeman', 'say', 'sir', 'speeding', 'see', 'license', 'please', 'driver', 'responds', 'give', 'one', 'one', 'man', 'responds', 'lost', 'four', 'time', 'drink', 'driving', 'policeman', 'shocked', 'see', 'see', 'vehicle', 'registration', 'paper', 'please', 'sorry', 'ca', 'policeman', 'say', 'stole', 'car', 'officer', 'say', 'stole', 'man', 'say', 'yes', 'killed', 'owner', 'point', 'officer', 'getting', 'irate', 'boot', 'want', 'see', 'officer', 'look', 'man', 'slowly', 'back', 'away', 'car', 'call', 'back', 'within', 'minute', 'five', 'police', 'car', 'show', 'surrounding', 'car', 'senior', 'officer', 'slowly', 'approach', 'car', 'clasping', 'gun', 'senior', 'officer', 'say', 'sir', 'could', 'step', 'vehicle', 'please', 'man', 'step', 'vehicle', 'problem', 'sir', 'one', 'officer', 'told', 'stolen', 'car', 'murdered', 'owner', 'murdered', 'owner', 'officer', 'responds', 'yes', 'could', 'please', 'open', 'boot', 'car', 'please', 'man', 'open', 'boot', 'revealing', 'nothing', 'empty', 'boot', 'officer', 'say', 'car', 'sir', 'man', 'say', 'yes', 'hand', 'registration', 'paper', 'officer', 'understandably', 'quite', 'stunned', 'one', 'officer', 'claim', 'driving', 'licence', 'man', 'dig', 'pocket', 'revealing', 'wallet', 'hand', 'officer', 'officer', 'open', 'wallet', 'examines', 'licence', 'look', 'quite', 'puzzled', 'thank', 'sir', 'one', 'officer', 'told', 'licence', 'stole', 'car', 'murdered', 'owner', 'man', 'reply', 'bet', 'lying', 'bastard', 'told', 'speeding', 'edit', 'whoa', 'front', 'page', 'driver', 'pulled', 'policeman']",174
"But first I filtered it through my kidneys.


EDIT:  Holy crap!  Front page!!!  ",3j6iez,12843,"My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.","['first', 'filtered', 'kidney', 'edit', 'holy', 'crap', 'front', 'page']","['ex', 'wife', 'died', 'went', 'cemetery', 'honor', 'poured', 'fine', 'year', 'old', 'bottle', 'scotch', 'grave']","['first', 'filtered', 'kidney', 'edit', 'holy', 'crap', 'front', 'page', 'ex', 'wife', 'died', 'went', 'cemetery', 'honor', 'poured', 'fine', 'year', 'old', 'bottle', 'scotch', 'grave']",21
...is only one sea away from Ireland?,531f5z,12832,Did you know that Iceland...,"['one', 'sea', 'away', 'ireland']","['know', 'iceland']","['one', 'sea', 'away', 'ireland', 'know', 'iceland']",6
"On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. 

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.  Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting.    While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out;  could you get a divorce in heaven.  After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?",2bphjp,12820,Getting Married in Heaven,"['way', 'get', 'married', 'young', 'catholic', 'couple', 'involved', 'fatal', 'car', 'accident', 'couple', 'find', 'sitting', 'outside', 'pearly', 'gate', 'waiting', 'peter', 'process', 'heaven', 'waiting', 'begin', 'wonder', 'could', 'possibly', 'get', 'married', 'heaven', 'peter', 'showed', 'asked', 'peter', 'said', 'know', 'first', 'time', 'anyone', 'asked', 'let', 'go', 'find', 'leaf', 'couple', 'sat', 'waited', 'waited', 'two', 'month', 'passed', 'couple', 'still', 'waiting', 'waiting', 'began', 'wonder', 'would', 'happen', 'work', 'could', 'get', 'divorce', 'heaven', 'yet', 'another', 'month', 'peter', 'finally', 'return', 'looking', 'somewhat', 'bedraggled', 'informs', 'couple', 'get', 'married', 'heaven', 'said', 'couple', 'wondering', 'thing', 'work', 'could', 'also', 'get', 'divorce', 'heaven', 'peter', 'anger', 'slammed', 'clipboard', 'onto', 'ground', 'wrong', 'asked', 'frightened', 'couple', 'come', 'peter', 'shouted', 'took', 'three', 'month', 'find', 'priest', 'idea', 'long', 'take', 'find', 'lawyer']","['getting', 'married', 'heaven']","['way', 'get', 'married', 'young', 'catholic', 'couple', 'involved', 'fatal', 'car', 'accident', 'couple', 'find', 'sitting', 'outside', 'pearly', 'gate', 'waiting', 'peter', 'process', 'heaven', 'waiting', 'begin', 'wonder', 'could', 'possibly', 'get', 'married', 'heaven', 'peter', 'showed', 'asked', 'peter', 'said', 'know', 'first', 'time', 'anyone', 'asked', 'let', 'go', 'find', 'leaf', 'couple', 'sat', 'waited', 'waited', 'two', 'month', 'passed', 'couple', 'still', 'waiting', 'waiting', 'began', 'wonder', 'would', 'happen', 'work', 'could', 'get', 'divorce', 'heaven', 'yet', 'another', 'month', 'peter', 'finally', 'return', 'looking', 'somewhat', 'bedraggled', 'informs', 'couple', 'get', 'married', 'heaven', 'said', 'couple', 'wondering', 'thing', 'work', 'could', 'also', 'get', 'divorce', 'heaven', 'peter', 'anger', 'slammed', 'clipboard', 'onto', 'ground', 'wrong', 'asked', 'frightened', 'couple', 'come', 'peter', 'shouted', 'took', 'three', 'month', 'find', 'priest', 'idea', 'long', 'take', 'find', 'lawyer', 'getting', 'married', 'heaven']",112
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.,3mioq3,12812,What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?,"['people', 'dubai', 'like', 'flintstone', 'people', 'abu', 'dhabi', 'doooooo']","['difference', 'dubai', 'abu', 'dhabi']","['people', 'dubai', 'like', 'flintstone', 'people', 'abu', 'dhabi', 'doooooo', 'difference', 'dubai', 'abu', 'dhabi']",12
"...right before the zoo opens.  It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.  However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it.  So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new ""gorilla"" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo.  People from all over are coming to see the ""Human-like"" gorilla.  About a month in, the craze has started to wear off.  So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him.  A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror.  Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.  The man starts screaming ""HELP!! HELP!!!""  Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, ""Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired.""",2gxeh8,12783,So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo...,"['right', 'zoo', 'open', 'gorilla', 'zoo', 'since', 'profitable', 'however', 'gorilla', 'popular', 'attraction', 'far', 'afford', 'go', 'day', 'without', 'zoo', 'owner', 'asks', 'one', 'worker', 'wear', 'gorilla', 'suit', 'storage', 'extra', 'day', 'go', 'gorilla', 'cage', 'pretend', 'gorilla', 'zoo', 'afford', 'new', 'one', 'quickly', 'new', 'gorilla', 'becomes', 'popular', 'craze', 'zoo', 'people', 'coming', 'see', 'gorilla', 'month', 'craze', 'started', 'wear', 'get', 'people', 'attention', 'back', 'decides', 'climb', 'enclosure', 'hang', 'net', 'ceiling', 'lion', 'den', 'next', 'large', 'crowd', 'people', 'gather', 'watching', 'spectacle', 'awe', 'terror', 'suddenly', 'man', 'loses', 'grip', 'fall', 'floor', 'lion', 'den', 'man', 'start', 'screaming', 'help', 'help', 'suddenly', 'lion', 'pounce', 'behind', 'whisper', 'ear', 'shut', 'fuck', 'right', 'going', 'get', 'u', 'fired']","['gorilla', 'dy', 'old', 'age', 'zoo']","['right', 'zoo', 'open', 'gorilla', 'zoo', 'since', 'profitable', 'however', 'gorilla', 'popular', 'attraction', 'far', 'afford', 'go', 'day', 'without', 'zoo', 'owner', 'asks', 'one', 'worker', 'wear', 'gorilla', 'suit', 'storage', 'extra', 'day', 'go', 'gorilla', 'cage', 'pretend', 'gorilla', 'zoo', 'afford', 'new', 'one', 'quickly', 'new', 'gorilla', 'becomes', 'popular', 'craze', 'zoo', 'people', 'coming', 'see', 'gorilla', 'month', 'craze', 'started', 'wear', 'get', 'people', 'attention', 'back', 'decides', 'climb', 'enclosure', 'hang', 'net', 'ceiling', 'lion', 'den', 'next', 'large', 'crowd', 'people', 'gather', 'watching', 'spectacle', 'awe', 'terror', 'suddenly', 'man', 'loses', 'grip', 'fall', 'floor', 'lion', 'den', 'man', 'start', 'screaming', 'help', 'help', 'suddenly', 'lion', 'pounce', 'behind', 'whisper', 'ear', 'shut', 'fuck', 'right', 'going', 'get', 'u', 'fired', 'gorilla', 'dy', 'old', 'age', 'zoo']",103
"He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but the worker on the ground floor can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries to use sign language instead. He points to his eye meaning ""I"", then he points to his knee meaning ""need"", then moved his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The worker on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating. The worker on the 5th floor is furious so he runs down to the ground floor and says ""what the fuck is wrong with you, I said I needed a handsaw!"" The other worker says ""I knew that, I was trying to tell you I'm coming.""",4h3j1a,12776,A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw...,"['spot', 'another', 'worker', 'ground', 'floor', 'yell', 'worker', 'ground', 'floor', 'ca', 'hear', 'worker', 'floor', 'try', 'use', 'sign', 'language', 'instead', 'point', 'eye', 'meaning', 'point', 'knee', 'meaning', 'need', 'moved', 'hand', 'back', 'forth', 'saw', 'motion', 'worker', 'ground', 'floor', 'nod', 'head', 'pull', 'pant', 'whip', 'cock', 'start', 'masturbating', 'worker', 'floor', 'furious', 'run', 'ground', 'floor', 'say', 'fuck', 'wrong', 'said', 'needed', 'handsaw', 'worker', 'say', 'knew', 'trying', 'tell', 'coming']","['construction', 'worker', 'floor', 'building', 'needed', 'handsaw']","['spot', 'another', 'worker', 'ground', 'floor', 'yell', 'worker', 'ground', 'floor', 'ca', 'hear', 'worker', 'floor', 'try', 'use', 'sign', 'language', 'instead', 'point', 'eye', 'meaning', 'point', 'knee', 'meaning', 'need', 'moved', 'hand', 'back', 'forth', 'saw', 'motion', 'worker', 'ground', 'floor', 'nod', 'head', 'pull', 'pant', 'whip', 'cock', 'start', 'masturbating', 'worker', 'floor', 'furious', 'run', 'ground', 'floor', 'say', 'fuck', 'wrong', 'said', 'needed', 'handsaw', 'worker', 'say', 'knew', 'trying', 'tell', 'coming', 'construction', 'worker', 'floor', 'building', 'needed', 'handsaw']",66
For Hispanic attacks.,4e6nu9,12733,Why did the Mexican take Xanax?,"['hispanic', 'attack']","['mexican', 'take', 'xanax']","['hispanic', 'attack', 'mexican', 'take', 'xanax']",5
"My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

""Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again.""

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....",3d7cnk,12681,How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver,"['husband', 'dressed', 'ready', 'go', 'lovely', 'evening', 'dinner', 'theatre', 'burgled', 'past', 'turned', 'light', 'answering', 'machine', 'put', 'cat', 'backyard', 'cab', 'arrived', 'walked', 'front', 'door', 'rather', 'tubby', 'cat', 'scooted', 'leg', 'inside', 'ran', 'stair', 'cat', 'like', 'chase', 'budgie', 'really', 'want', 'leave', 'husband', 'ran', 'inside', 'retrieve', 'put', 'back', 'yard', 'want', 'taxi', 'driver', 'know', 'house', 'going', 'empty', 'evening', 'explained', 'husband', 'would', 'momentarily', 'bidding', 'goodnight', 'mother', 'minute', 'later', 'got', 'cab', 'hot', 'bothered', 'said', 'growing', 'horror', 'amusement', 'cab', 'pulled', 'away', 'sorry', 'took', 'long', 'stupid', 'bitch', 'hiding', 'bed', 'poke', 'as', 'coat', 'hanger', 'get', 'come', 'tried', 'take', 'grabbed', 'neck', 'wrapped', 'blanket', 'would', 'scratch', 'like', 'last', 'time', 'worked', 'hauled', 'fat', 'arse', 'stair', 'threw', 'backyard', 'better', 'shit', 'vegetable', 'garden', 'silence', 'taxi', 'deafening']","['husband', 'terrified', 'taxi', 'driver']","['husband', 'dressed', 'ready', 'go', 'lovely', 'evening', 'dinner', 'theatre', 'burgled', 'past', 'turned', 'light', 'answering', 'machine', 'put', 'cat', 'backyard', 'cab', 'arrived', 'walked', 'front', 'door', 'rather', 'tubby', 'cat', 'scooted', 'leg', 'inside', 'ran', 'stair', 'cat', 'like', 'chase', 'budgie', 'really', 'want', 'leave', 'husband', 'ran', 'inside', 'retrieve', 'put', 'back', 'yard', 'want', 'taxi', 'driver', 'know', 'house', 'going', 'empty', 'evening', 'explained', 'husband', 'would', 'momentarily', 'bidding', 'goodnight', 'mother', 'minute', 'later', 'got', 'cab', 'hot', 'bothered', 'said', 'growing', 'horror', 'amusement', 'cab', 'pulled', 'away', 'sorry', 'took', 'long', 'stupid', 'bitch', 'hiding', 'bed', 'poke', 'as', 'coat', 'hanger', 'get', 'come', 'tried', 'take', 'grabbed', 'neck', 'wrapped', 'blanket', 'would', 'scratch', 'like', 'last', 'time', 'worked', 'hauled', 'fat', 'arse', 'stair', 'threw', 'backyard', 'better', 'shit', 'vegetable', 'garden', 'silence', 'taxi', 'deafening', 'husband', 'terrified', 'taxi', 'driver']",114
"""What's your name?"", asked the teacher.

""Mohammad,"" he replied.

""You're in Ireland now,"" replied the teacher, ""So from now on you will be known as Mike.

"" Mohammad returned home after school.

""How was your day, Mohammad?"", his mother asked.

""My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.

""Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!""

And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.

""What happened to you, Mike?"", she asked.


""Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs.""",3wb5xh,12612,Tough to be Irish,"['name', 'asked', 'teacher', 'mohammad', 'replied', 'ireland', 'replied', 'teacher', 'known', 'mohammad', 'returned', 'home', 'school', 'day', 'mohammad', 'mother', 'asked', 'name', 'mohammad', 'ireland', 'name', 'mike', 'ashamed', 'name', 'trying', 'dishonor', 'parent', 'heritage', 'religion', 'shame', 'mother', 'beat', 'shit', 'called', 'father', 'beat', 'shit', 'next', 'day', 'mohammad', 'returned', 'school', 'teacher', 'saw', 'fresh', 'bruise', 'happened', 'mike', 'asked', 'well', 'shortly', 'becoming', 'irishman', 'attacked', 'two', 'fucking', 'arab']","['tough', 'irish']","['name', 'asked', 'teacher', 'mohammad', 'replied', 'ireland', 'replied', 'teacher', 'known', 'mohammad', 'returned', 'home', 'school', 'day', 'mohammad', 'mother', 'asked', 'name', 'mohammad', 'ireland', 'name', 'mike', 'ashamed', 'name', 'trying', 'dishonor', 'parent', 'heritage', 'religion', 'shame', 'mother', 'beat', 'shit', 'called', 'father', 'beat', 'shit', 'next', 'day', 'mohammad', 'returned', 'school', 'teacher', 'saw', 'fresh', 'bruise', 'happened', 'mike', 'asked', 'well', 'shortly', 'becoming', 'irishman', 'attacked', 'two', 'fucking', 'arab', 'tough', 'irish']",59
Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?,444db4,12588,"If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex...","['would', 'safe', 'say', 'addiction', 'got', 'hand']","['addicted', 'masturbation', 'became', 'addicted', 'sex']","['would', 'safe', 'say', 'addiction', 'got', 'hand', 'addicted', 'masturbation', 'became', 'addicted', 'sex']",11
She's a reddit admin ,39flhw,12582,Yo mama so fat,"['reddit', 'admin']","['yo', 'mama', 'fat']","['reddit', 'admin', 'yo', 'mama', 'fat']",5
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.,4lnm2l,12549,I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.,"['constant', 'beeping', 'giving', 'headache', 'making', 'feel', 'sick']","['remove', 'battery', 'carbon', 'monoxide', 'detector']","['constant', 'beeping', 'giving', 'headache', 'making', 'feel', 'sick', 'remove', 'battery', 'carbon', 'monoxide', 'detector']",12
There's no dental records and all the DNA matches,4jfo1n,12467,Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?,"['dental', 'record', 'dna', 'match']","['redneck', 'murder', 'hard', 'solve']","['dental', 'record', 'dna', 'match', 'redneck', 'murder', 'hard', 'solve']",8
"Not a political post, I just love to travel",4r6wfa,12437,If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country,"['political', 'post', 'love', 'travel']","['trump', 'win', 'im', 'leaving', 'country', 'clinton', 'win', 'im', 'leaving', 'country']","['political', 'post', 'love', 'travel', 'trump', 'win', 'im', 'leaving', 'country', 'clinton', 'win', 'im', 'leaving', 'country']",14
"Husband texts back: ""Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer.""

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: ""Computer really messed up now.""",3u539f,12427,"Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: ""Windows frozen, won't open.""","['husband', 'text', 'back', 'gently', 'pour', 'lukewarm', 'water', 'gently', 'tap', 'edge', 'hammer', 'wife', 'text', 'back', 'minute', 'later', 'computer', 'really', 'messed']","['wife', 'text', 'husband', 'cold', 'winter', 'morning', 'window', 'frozen', 'wo', 'open']","['husband', 'text', 'back', 'gently', 'pour', 'lukewarm', 'water', 'gently', 'tap', 'edge', 'hammer', 'wife', 'text', 'back', 'minute', 'later', 'computer', 'really', 'messed', 'wife', 'text', 'husband', 'cold', 'winter', 'morning', 'window', 'frozen', 'wo', 'open']",29
I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot,5r37xu,12388,What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?,"['fucking', 'know', 'drone', 'pilot']","['difference', 'pakistani', 'school', 'terrorist', 'camp']","['fucking', 'know', 'drone', 'pilot', 'difference', 'pakistani', 'school', 'terrorist', 'camp']",9
"Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.",4yzwrx,12379,My town's population never changes,"['every', 'time', 'girl', 'get', 'pregnant', 'guy', 'leaf', 'town']","['town', 'population', 'never', 'change']","['every', 'time', 'girl', 'get', 'pregnant', 'guy', 'leaf', 'town', 'town', 'population', 'never', 'change']",12
"This is my first post, make it good. I want memes",4kfbst,12328,Memes,"['first', 'post', 'make', 'good', 'want', 'meme']",['meme'],"['first', 'post', 'make', 'good', 'want', 'meme', 'meme']",7
"“Hey kid, want to buy some candy?”",4b3rai,12321,What do Jewish pedophiles say?,"['hey', 'kid', 'want', 'buy', 'candy']","['jewish', 'pedophile', 'say']","['hey', 'kid', 'want', 'buy', 'candy', 'jewish', 'pedophile', 'say']",8
"
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.

He said, ""What are you doing father?""

""It's called masturbating,"" the priest replied. ""You'll be doing this soon.""

""Why father?"" he asked.

""Because my wrist is killing me,"" the priest replied.",5t0kf8,12303,Masturbating,"['choir', 'boy', 'catch', 'priest', 'masturbating', 'said', 'father', 'called', 'masturbating', 'priest', 'replied', 'soon', 'father', 'asked', 'wrist', 'killing', 'priest', 'replied']",['masturbating'],"['choir', 'boy', 'catch', 'priest', 'masturbating', 'said', 'father', 'called', 'masturbating', 'priest', 'replied', 'soon', 'father', 'asked', 'wrist', 'killing', 'priest', 'replied', 'masturbating']",19
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.,47zm2c,12284,What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?,"['honey', 'home', 'minute']","['bill', 'say', 'hillary', 'sex']","['honey', 'home', 'minute', 'bill', 'say', 'hillary', 'sex']",7
But I guess I'll take a shot at it. ,53jg40,12282,"As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...","['guess', 'take', 'shot']","['cop', 'know', 'deal', 'black', 'people']","['guess', 'take', 'shot', 'cop', 'know', 'deal', 'black', 'people']",8
"The first alien says, ""The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.""

The second alien asks, ""Are they an emerging intelligence?""

The first alien says, ""I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves""",4jjgup,12268,"In space, two aliens are talking to each other","['first', 'alien', 'say', 'dominant', 'life', 'form', 'earth', 'planet', 'developed', 'nuclear', 'weapon', 'second', 'alien', 'asks', 'emerging', 'intelligence', 'first', 'alien', 'say', 'think', 'aimed']","['space', 'two', 'alien', 'talking']","['first', 'alien', 'say', 'dominant', 'life', 'form', 'earth', 'planet', 'developed', 'nuclear', 'weapon', 'second', 'alien', 'asks', 'emerging', 'intelligence', 'first', 'alien', 'say', 'think', 'aimed', 'space', 'two', 'alien', 'talking']",25
They both change your ring tone,4x7ywp,12263,What do a cell phone and anal bleach have in common?,"['change', 'ring', 'tone']","['cell', 'phone', 'anal', 'bleach', 'common']","['change', 'ring', 'tone', 'cell', 'phone', 'anal', 'bleach', 'common']",8
"Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.",44k10x,12258,Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?,"['win', 'move', 'smaller', 'house', 'black', 'neighborhood']","['donald', 'trump', 'secretly', 'want', 'lose', 'election']","['win', 'move', 'smaller', 'house', 'black', 'neighborhood', 'donald', 'trump', 'secretly', 'want', 'lose', 'election']",12
"They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

Edit: ( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)",3gyusq,12177,Why are gay men so well dressed?,"['spend', 'time', 'closet', 'nothing', 'edit']","['gay', 'men', 'well', 'dressed']","['spend', 'time', 'closet', 'nothing', 'edit', 'gay', 'men', 'well', 'dressed']",9
"He disappeared without a tres.



**edit Front page??? Thats Punbelieveable!",3ncgg8,12163,"A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said ""Uno, dos"" *POOF*","['disappeared', 'without', 'tres', 'edit', 'front', 'page', 'thats', 'punbelieveable']","['mexican', 'magician', 'told', 'audience', 'disappear', 'count', 'three', 'said', 'uno', 'do', 'poof']","['disappeared', 'without', 'tres', 'edit', 'front', 'page', 'thats', 'punbelieveable', 'mexican', 'magician', 'told', 'audience', 'disappear', 'count', 'three', 'said', 'uno', 'do', 'poof']",19
They'll kill your dog.,4jmi2a,12137,Police are like a box of chocolates....,"['kill', 'dog']","['police', 'like', 'box', 'chocolate']","['kill', 'dog', 'police', 'like', 'box', 'chocolate']",6
How I bought your mother,4dyyyp,12126,Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?,"['bought', 'mother']","['whats', 'saudi', 'arabia', 'highest', 'rated', 'sitcom']","['bought', 'mother', 'whats', 'saudi', 'arabia', 'highest', 'rated', 'sitcom']",8
"You can hide, but you can't run.",3nimwj,12099,To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:,"['hide', 'ca', 'run']","['guy', 'wheelchair', 'stole', 'camouflage', 'jacket']","['hide', 'ca', 'run', 'guy', 'wheelchair', 'stole', 'camouflage', 'jacket']",8
You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck,4m71t5,12076,What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?,"['beg', 'wife', 'blow', 'paycheck']","['difference', 'paycheck', 'penis']","['beg', 'wife', 'blow', 'paycheck', 'difference', 'paycheck', 'penis']",7
"Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.",4teb7r,12071,How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?,"['obviously', 'still', 'dark', 'basement']","['many', 'dead', 'prostitute', 'take', 'change', 'lightbulb']","['obviously', 'still', 'dark', 'basement', 'many', 'dead', 'prostitute', 'take', 'change', 'lightbulb']",10
All of its servers were busy...,3logxu,12061,I went to the Reddit restaurant,"['server', 'busy']","['went', 'reddit', 'restaurant']","['server', 'busy', 'went', 'reddit', 'restaurant']",5
".....a man was sitting next to a woman who was trying to breast-feed her child. The child however refuses to suck on the breast. 

Being frustrated, the mother threatens the child, ""If you don't suck on, I will give it to the man next to us!"" The child still refuses to oblige. After about 10 minutes of failed effort to get her child to breastfeed, the woman threatens her child again.

Finally the man clears his throat and says, ""Look here woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off 6 stops ago!""",52jog0,12052,On a bus one day.....,"['man', 'sitting', 'next', 'woman', 'trying', 'child', 'child', 'however', 'refuse', 'suck', 'breast', 'frustrated', 'mother', 'threatens', 'child', 'suck', 'give', 'man', 'next', 'u', 'child', 'still', 'refuse', 'oblige', 'minute', 'failed', 'effort', 'get', 'child', 'breastfeed', 'woman', 'threatens', 'child', 'finally', 'man', 'clear', 'throat', 'say', 'look', 'woman', 'better', 'make', 'mind', 'supposed', 'get', 'stop', 'ago']","['bus', 'one', 'day']","['man', 'sitting', 'next', 'woman', 'trying', 'child', 'child', 'however', 'refuse', 'suck', 'breast', 'frustrated', 'mother', 'threatens', 'child', 'suck', 'give', 'man', 'next', 'u', 'child', 'still', 'refuse', 'oblige', 'minute', 'failed', 'effort', 'get', 'child', 'breastfeed', 'woman', 'threatens', 'child', 'finally', 'man', 'clear', 'throat', 'say', 'look', 'woman', 'better', 'make', 'mind', 'supposed', 'get', 'stop', 'ago', 'bus', 'one', 'day']",50
"In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.

He asks the Angel ""What are all these clocks for?""

Angel answers ""These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once.""



The man points towards a clock and asks, ""Who's clock does this belong to?""

Angel answers 'This clock belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved, so she has never told a lie.""

then the man asks ""Where is Hillary Clintons clock?""

The Angel replies ""That one is in our office, we use it as a table fan.""",4aid4l,11982,A man dies and goes to heaven,"['heaven', 'see', 'wall', 'large', 'clock', 'asks', 'angel', 'clock', 'angel', 'answer', 'lie', 'clock', 'every', 'person', 'one', 'lie', 'clock', 'whenever', 'lie', 'earth', 'clock', 'tick', 'man', 'point', 'towards', 'clock', 'asks', 'clock', 'belong', 'angel', 'answer', 'clock', 'belongs', 'mother', 'teresa', 'never', 'moved', 'never', 'told', 'lie', 'man', 'asks', 'hillary', 'clinton', 'clock', 'angel', 'reply', 'one', 'office', 'use', 'table', 'fan']","['man', 'dy', 'go', 'heaven']","['heaven', 'see', 'wall', 'large', 'clock', 'asks', 'angel', 'clock', 'angel', 'answer', 'lie', 'clock', 'every', 'person', 'one', 'lie', 'clock', 'whenever', 'lie', 'earth', 'clock', 'tick', 'man', 'point', 'towards', 'clock', 'asks', 'clock', 'belong', 'angel', 'answer', 'clock', 'belongs', 'mother', 'teresa', 'never', 'moved', 'never', 'told', 'lie', 'man', 'asks', 'hillary', 'clinton', 'clock', 'angel', 'reply', 'one', 'office', 'use', 'table', 'fan', 'man', 'dy', 'go', 'heaven']",56
"Wife : ""I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.""

Husband : ""How about the ones like mine?""

Wife : ""They gave those away.""

Husband : ""I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.""

Wife : ""And how much for the ones like mine?""

Husband : ""That's where they held the auction.""",2vrea5,11976,Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction...,"['wife', 'dreamed', 'auctioning', 'dick', 'big', 'one', 'went', 'ten', 'dollar', 'thick', 'one', 'went', 'twenty', 'dollar', 'husband', 'one', 'like', 'mine', 'wife', 'gave', 'away', 'husband', 'dream', 'dreamed', 'auctioning', 'vagina', 'pretty', 'one', 'went', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'little', 'tight', 'one', 'went', 'two', 'thousand', 'wife', 'much', 'one', 'like', 'mine', 'husband', 'held', 'auction']","['wife', 'dreamed', 'attending', 'dick', 'auction']","['wife', 'dreamed', 'auctioning', 'dick', 'big', 'one', 'went', 'ten', 'dollar', 'thick', 'one', 'went', 'twenty', 'dollar', 'husband', 'one', 'like', 'mine', 'wife', 'gave', 'away', 'husband', 'dream', 'dreamed', 'auctioning', 'vagina', 'pretty', 'one', 'went', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'little', 'tight', 'one', 'went', 'two', 'thousand', 'wife', 'much', 'one', 'like', 'mine', 'husband', 'held', 'auction', 'wife', 'dreamed', 'attending', 'dick', 'auction']",50
They'll kill your dog,2kzxpp,11960,Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate,"['kill', 'dog']","['crazy', 'like', 'box', 'chocolate']","['kill', 'dog', 'crazy', 'like', 'box', 'chocolate']",6
"A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, ""Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?""

The man replied ""Oh that's when I went to Yale.""

The employer is even more impressed. ""That's great, you're hired!""

The man is super happy and says ""Yay I got a yob!""",4brgxo,11951,A man goes into a job interview,"['man', 'go', 'job', 'interview', 'present', 'well', 'employer', 'shocked', 'professional', 'wow', 'incredible', 'resume', 'present', 'fantastically', 'seem', 'missing', 'year', 'part', 'resume', 'happened', 'man', 'replied', 'oh', 'went', 'yale', 'employer', 'even', 'impressed', 'great', 'hired', 'man', 'super', 'happy', 'say', 'yay', 'got', 'yob']","['man', 'go', 'job', 'interview']","['man', 'go', 'job', 'interview', 'present', 'well', 'employer', 'shocked', 'professional', 'wow', 'incredible', 'resume', 'present', 'fantastically', 'seem', 'missing', 'year', 'part', 'resume', 'happened', 'man', 'replied', 'oh', 'went', 'yale', 'employer', 'even', 'impressed', 'great', 'hired', 'man', 'super', 'happy', 'say', 'yay', 'got', 'yob', 'man', 'go', 'job', 'interview']",41
"""Hurry!"" she said, ""stand in the corner."" She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. ""Don't move until I tell you to,"" she whispered. ""Just pretend you're a statue.""

""What's this, honey?"" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

""Oh, it's just a statue,"" she replied nonchalantly. ""The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."" No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

""Here,"" he said to the 'statue', ""eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.""



",50zra5,11925,A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.,"['hurry', 'said', 'stand', 'corner', 'quickly', 'rubbed', 'baby', 'oil', 'dusted', 'talcum', 'powder', 'move', 'tell', 'whispered', 'pretend', 'statue', 'honey', 'husband', 'inquired', 'entered', 'room', 'oh', 'statue', 'replied', 'nonchalantly', 'smith', 'bought', 'one', 'bedroom', 'liked', 'much', 'got', 'one', 'u', 'said', 'statue', 'even', 'later', 'night', 'went', 'sleep', 'around', 'two', 'morning', 'husband', 'got', 'bed', 'went', 'kitchen', 'returned', 'later', 'sandwich', 'glass', 'milk', 'said', 'eat', 'something', 'stood', 'like', 'idiot', 'smith', 'three', 'day', 'nobody', 'offered', 'much', 'glass', 'water']","['woman', 'bed', 'lover', 'heard', 'husband', 'opening', 'front', 'door']","['hurry', 'said', 'stand', 'corner', 'quickly', 'rubbed', 'baby', 'oil', 'dusted', 'talcum', 'powder', 'move', 'tell', 'whispered', 'pretend', 'statue', 'honey', 'husband', 'inquired', 'entered', 'room', 'oh', 'statue', 'replied', 'nonchalantly', 'smith', 'bought', 'one', 'bedroom', 'liked', 'much', 'got', 'one', 'u', 'said', 'statue', 'even', 'later', 'night', 'went', 'sleep', 'around', 'two', 'morning', 'husband', 'got', 'bed', 'went', 'kitchen', 'returned', 'later', 'sandwich', 'glass', 'milk', 'said', 'eat', 'something', 'stood', 'like', 'idiot', 'smith', 'three', 'day', 'nobody', 'offered', 'much', 'glass', 'water', 'woman', 'bed', 'lover', 'heard', 'husband', 'opening', 'front', 'door']",76
Because Ken always came in another box.,5rjwbv,11921,Why didn't barbie ever get pregnant?,"['ken', 'always', 'came', 'another', 'box']","['barbie', 'ever', 'get', 'pregnant']","['ken', 'always', 'came', 'another', 'box', 'barbie', 'ever', 'get', 'pregnant']",9
Because his whole life he's Ben Solo,4d1nl0,11890,Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?,"['whole', 'life', 'ben', 'solo']","['kylo', 'ren', 'friend']","['whole', 'life', 'ben', 'solo', 'kylo', 'ren', 'friend']",7
"Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, ""There's a big hole in your shirt!""

I responded, ""Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it,"" pointing to her mouth.

Without a pause, she snaps back, ""Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago.""",3xzd4c,11873,My mom dropped this one on me,"['mom', 'son', 'argument', 'clothes', 'pointed', 'hole', 'shirt', 'said', 'big', 'hole', 'shirt', 'responded', 'yeah', 'well', 'big', 'hole', 'face', 'dumb', 'thing', 'keep', 'coming', 'pointing', 'mouth', 'without', 'pause', 'snap', 'back', 'nearly', 'dumb', 'thing', 'fell', 'hole', 'year', 'ago']","['mom', 'dropped', 'one']","['mom', 'son', 'argument', 'clothes', 'pointed', 'hole', 'shirt', 'said', 'big', 'hole', 'shirt', 'responded', 'yeah', 'well', 'big', 'hole', 'face', 'dumb', 'thing', 'keep', 'coming', 'pointing', 'mouth', 'without', 'pause', 'snap', 'back', 'nearly', 'dumb', 'thing', 'fell', 'hole', 'year', 'ago', 'mom', 'dropped', 'one']",37
"so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You'll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.'

The man went back into the house to his wife, who'd been listening. 'A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?' asked the wife.

'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!' he said.

About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. 'I'm all done,' she reported.

The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?'

'Yeah,' the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!'

The man reached into his wallet to pay her.

'And by the way,' said the blonde, 'that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari.'",4h6kvb,11863,A blonde was desperate for money...,"['decided', 'go', 'richer', 'neighborhood', 'around', 'town', 'look', 'odd', 'job', 'first', 'house', 'man', 'answered', 'door', 'told', 'job', 'could', 'paint', 'porch', 'smiled', 'blonde', 'man', 'replied', 'find', 'paint', 'stuff', 'need', 'garage', 'man', 'went', 'back', 'house', 'wife', 'listening', 'hundred', 'buck', 'know', 'go', 'way', 'around', 'house', 'asked', 'wife', 'must', 'standing', 'right', 'said', 'minute', 'later', 'blonde', 'knocked', 'door', 'done', 'reported', 'man', 'amazed', 'painted', 'whole', 'porch', 'blonde', 'said', 'even', 'left', 'put', 'two', 'coat', 'man', 'reached', 'wallet', 'pay', 'way', 'said', 'blonde', 'porsche', 'ferrari']","['blonde', 'desperate', 'money']","['decided', 'go', 'richer', 'neighborhood', 'around', 'town', 'look', 'odd', 'job', 'first', 'house', 'man', 'answered', 'door', 'told', 'job', 'could', 'paint', 'porch', 'smiled', 'blonde', 'man', 'replied', 'find', 'paint', 'stuff', 'need', 'garage', 'man', 'went', 'back', 'house', 'wife', 'listening', 'hundred', 'buck', 'know', 'go', 'way', 'around', 'house', 'asked', 'wife', 'must', 'standing', 'right', 'said', 'minute', 'later', 'blonde', 'knocked', 'door', 'done', 'reported', 'man', 'amazed', 'painted', 'whole', 'porch', 'blonde', 'said', 'even', 'left', 'put', 'two', 'coat', 'man', 'reached', 'wallet', 'pay', 'way', 'said', 'blonde', 'porsche', 'ferrari', 'blonde', 'desperate', 'money']",78
"I asked him the other day ""how do you tell them apart?""

He said 

""Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...


... And Brian's got a cock"" ",4tng1l,11856,So my mate has started dating twins!,"['asked', 'day', 'tell', 'apart', 'said', 'well', 'stacy', 'blonde', 'perfect', 'as', 'great', 'tit', 'fantastic', 'figure', 'brian', 'got', 'cock']","['mate', 'started', 'dating', 'twin']","['asked', 'day', 'tell', 'apart', 'said', 'well', 'stacy', 'blonde', 'perfect', 'as', 'great', 'tit', 'fantastic', 'figure', 'brian', 'got', 'cock', 'mate', 'started', 'dating', 'twin']",21
"How many ""friend zoned"" guys does it take to change a light bulb? 

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. ",3g68j3,11801,"How many ""friend zoned"" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?","['many', 'friend', 'zoned', 'guy', 'take', 'change', 'light', 'bulb', 'none', 'compliment', 'get', 'mad', 'wo', 'screw']","['many', 'friend', 'zoned', 'guy', 'take', 'change', 'lightbulb']","['many', 'friend', 'zoned', 'guy', 'take', 'change', 'light', 'bulb', 'none', 'compliment', 'get', 'mad', 'wo', 'screw', 'many', 'friend', 'zoned', 'guy', 'take', 'change', 'lightbulb']",21
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.  It seemed very important to him that I have it.,2g7yxo,11798,I have an EpiPen.,"['friend', 'gave', 'dying', 'seemed', 'important']",['epipen'],"['friend', 'gave', 'dying', 'seemed', 'important', 'epipen']",6
"Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds. 

Edit: Hey thanks for the gold stranger!
",3gq3i8,11780,The US is having so many disasters and tragedies,"['youd', 'almost', 'think', 'built', 'top', 'thousand', 'ancient', 'indian', 'burial', 'ground', 'edit', 'hey', 'thanks', 'gold', 'stranger']","['u', 'many', 'disaster', 'tragedy']","['youd', 'almost', 'think', 'built', 'top', 'thousand', 'ancient', 'indian', 'burial', 'ground', 'edit', 'hey', 'thanks', 'gold', 'stranger', 'u', 'many', 'disaster', 'tragedy']",19
" ""Surely it's not going to rain today?""

She said ""it will, and don't call me Shirley""  

...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode. 
",2fpuid,11778,Just asked Siri.,"['surely', 'going', 'rain', 'today', 'said', 'call', 'shirley', 'forgot', 'take', 'phone', 'airplane', 'mode']","['asked', 'siri']","['surely', 'going', 'rain', 'today', 'said', 'call', 'shirley', 'forgot', 'take', 'phone', 'airplane', 'mode', 'asked', 'siri']",14
"Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice ",4dowl0,11775,"I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer","['yeah', 'gave', 'weak', 'notice']","['kinda', 'scrawny', 'quit', 'job', 'personal', 'trainer']","['yeah', 'gave', 'weak', 'notice', 'kinda', 'scrawny', 'quit', 'job', 'personal', 'trainer']",10
It's called 'Facebook',4olcyo,11739,I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.,['called'],"['installed', 'new', 'app', 'phone', 'let', 'know', 'friend', 'racist']","['called', 'installed', 'new', 'app', 'phone', 'let', 'know', 'friend', 'racist']",9
"That my posts never blows up.

Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.

Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!

Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jokes after all. 

Edit 4: lmao this is Nagasaki all over again. 

For those who want so bad to insult me, here is a little secret...I get insulted if you insult the basis and principles of my religion, and the stuff you guys mention are not included. So feel free to say anything guys. Sorry for ruining the joke with this edit.    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ",4tl99z,11719,"As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...","['post', 'never', 'blow', 'edit', 'everyone', 'say', 'joke', 'bomb', 'still', 'shit', 'explode', 'edit', 'edit', 'wondering', 'muslim', 'real', 'find', 'shit', 'funny', 'af', 'chill', 'guy', 'need', 'hate', 'religion', 'edit', 'lmao', 'nagasaki', 'want', 'bad', 'insult', 'little', 'secret', 'get', 'insulted', 'insult', 'basis', 'principle', 'religion', 'stuff', 'guy', 'mention', 'included', 'feel', 'free', 'say', 'anything', 'guy', 'sorry', 'ruining', 'joke', 'edit', 'ツ']","['muslim', 'redditor', 'feel', 'disappointed']","['post', 'never', 'blow', 'edit', 'everyone', 'say', 'joke', 'bomb', 'still', 'shit', 'explode', 'edit', 'edit', 'wondering', 'muslim', 'real', 'find', 'shit', 'funny', 'af', 'chill', 'guy', 'need', 'hate', 'religion', 'edit', 'lmao', 'nagasaki', 'want', 'bad', 'insult', 'little', 'secret', 'get', 'insulted', 'insult', 'basis', 'principle', 'religion', 'stuff', 'guy', 'mention', 'included', 'feel', 'free', 'say', 'anything', 'guy', 'sorry', 'ruining', 'joke', 'edit', 'ツ', 'muslim', 'redditor', 'feel', 'disappointed']",57
Donald Trump's tie.,3lx6gb,11688,What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?,"['donald', 'trump', 'tie']","['inch', 'long', 'hang', 'front', 'asshole']","['donald', 'trump', 'tie', 'inch', 'long', 'hang', 'front', 'asshole']",8
"When he suddenly mumbled, ""Fucking shitty lid!"". My wife immediately looked at me and said, ""I wonder where he's got that from?"". I said, ""The fucking fridge, you silly cunt.""",4ybov2,11673,"My 4yr old was struggling to open his yoghurt, today.","['suddenly', 'mumbled', 'fucking', 'shitty', 'lid', 'wife', 'immediately', 'looked', 'said', 'wonder', 'got', 'said', 'fucking', 'fridge', 'silly', 'cunt']","['old', 'struggling', 'open', 'yoghurt', 'today']","['suddenly', 'mumbled', 'fucking', 'shitty', 'lid', 'wife', 'immediately', 'looked', 'said', 'wonder', 'got', 'said', 'fucking', 'fridge', 'silly', 'cunt', 'old', 'struggling', 'open', 'yoghurt', 'today']",21
" Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.",4o0vvv,11639,I like my women like I like my microwave,"['hot', 'clean', 'kill', 'baby', 'put', 'inside']","['like', 'woman', 'like', 'like', 'microwave']","['hot', 'clean', 'kill', 'baby', 'put', 'inside', 'like', 'woman', 'like', 'like', 'microwave']",11
Seven,4vc9yf,11634,How do you confuse a gay person?,['seven'],"['confuse', 'gay', 'person']","['seven', 'confuse', 'gay', 'person']",4
.,3u8yg1,11623,I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter.,[],"['know', 'big', 'deal', 'black', 'friday', 'friday', 'matter']","['know', 'big', 'deal', 'black', 'friday', 'friday', 'matter']",7
"They both want to get there before the hare does.

",40eh7v,11593,What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common?,"['want', 'get', 'hare']","['turtle', 'pedophile', 'common']","['want', 'get', 'hare', 'turtle', 'pedophile', 'common']",6
Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!,2sf00p,11586,"So I heard that the hackers ""Anonymous"" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda...","['quite', 'ironic', 'virgin', 'attacking', 'terrorist']","['heard', 'hacker', 'anonymous', 'waging', 'war', 'isi']","['quite', 'ironic', 'virgin', 'attacking', 'terrorist', 'heard', 'hacker', 'anonymous', 'waging', 'war', 'isi']",11
"
He says, ""We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace.""

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and all upstanding members of their respective communities.

Jim was a devout, aging Catholic, and he brought the five thousand in large bills, so as not to occupy much space in the coffin. He later told the members of his congregation, and oh how they lauded him on his selflessness to ease the mind of a dying friend.

Michael was a converted Muslim, and he feared that the dead had no use for paper money, so he converted the five thousand into gold for his friend, leaving the ingots next to the bills. He felt a great warmth inside of him, a feeling that can only be brought about by a good, charitable deed.

David was born Jewish, but wasn't so devout as many of his colleagues. He refused to buck off the stereotype and worked as a moneylender, a loan agent. Because of this, he understood how exchange rates worked and how trying to convert 3 different types of money to one may be hard for a man with little experience handling cash. Therefore, he wrote a check for fifteen thousand dollars, and took the gold and bills as change. He left his friend's side with such a great smile, he must have known the time he'd saved him in the afterlife.",50mp5o,11578,An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...,"['say', 'brother', 'longer', 'remember', 'rich', 'life', 'would', 'like', 'bring', 'wealth', 'die', 'could', 'leave', 'coffin', 'would', 'bring', 'great', 'peace', 'three', 'men', 'saw', 'fault', 'rich', 'upstanding', 'member', 'respective', 'community', 'jim', 'devout', 'aging', 'catholic', 'brought', 'five', 'thousand', 'large', 'bill', 'occupy', 'much', 'space', 'coffin', 'later', 'told', 'member', 'congregation', 'oh', 'lauded', 'selflessness', 'ease', 'mind', 'dying', 'friend', 'michael', 'converted', 'muslim', 'feared', 'dead', 'use', 'paper', 'money', 'converted', 'five', 'thousand', 'gold', 'friend', 'leaving', 'ingot', 'next', 'bill', 'felt', 'great', 'warmth', 'inside', 'feeling', 'brought', 'good', 'charitable', 'deed', 'david', 'born', 'jewish', 'devout', 'many', 'colleague', 'refused', 'buck', 'stereotype', 'worked', 'moneylender', 'loan', 'agent', 'understood', 'exchange', 'rate', 'worked', 'trying', 'convert', 'different', 'type', 'money', 'one', 'may', 'hard', 'man', 'little', 'experience', 'handling', 'cash', 'therefore', 'wrote', 'check', 'fifteen', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'took', 'gold', 'bill', 'change', 'left', 'friend', 'side', 'great', 'smile', 'must', 'known', 'time', 'saved', 'afterlife']","['old', 'dying', 'man', 'invite', 'friend', 'deathbed', 'asks', 'favor']","['say', 'brother', 'longer', 'remember', 'rich', 'life', 'would', 'like', 'bring', 'wealth', 'die', 'could', 'leave', 'coffin', 'would', 'bring', 'great', 'peace', 'three', 'men', 'saw', 'fault', 'rich', 'upstanding', 'member', 'respective', 'community', 'jim', 'devout', 'aging', 'catholic', 'brought', 'five', 'thousand', 'large', 'bill', 'occupy', 'much', 'space', 'coffin', 'later', 'told', 'member', 'congregation', 'oh', 'lauded', 'selflessness', 'ease', 'mind', 'dying', 'friend', 'michael', 'converted', 'muslim', 'feared', 'dead', 'use', 'paper', 'money', 'converted', 'five', 'thousand', 'gold', 'friend', 'leaving', 'ingot', 'next', 'bill', 'felt', 'great', 'warmth', 'inside', 'feeling', 'brought', 'good', 'charitable', 'deed', 'david', 'born', 'jewish', 'devout', 'many', 'colleague', 'refused', 'buck', 'stereotype', 'worked', 'moneylender', 'loan', 'agent', 'understood', 'exchange', 'rate', 'worked', 'trying', 'convert', 'different', 'type', 'money', 'one', 'may', 'hard', 'man', 'little', 'experience', 'handling', 'cash', 'therefore', 'wrote', 'check', 'fifteen', 'thousand', 'dollar', 'took', 'gold', 'bill', 'change', 'left', 'friend', 'side', 'great', 'smile', 'must', 'known', 'time', 'saved', 'afterlife', 'old', 'dying', 'man', 'invite', 'friend', 'deathbed', 'asks', 'favor']",135
"He asks him: ""What's wrong son, what happened?""

""The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong.""

""Why, what did you answer?""

""The Empire State Building.""

""Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it.""",5164xh,11568,Osama Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...,"['asks', 'wrong', 'son', 'happened', 'teacher', 'asked', 'class', 'tallest', 'building', 'new', 'york', 'got', 'answer', 'wrong', 'answer', 'empire', 'state', 'building', 'worry', 'son', 'daddy', 'take', 'care']","['osama', 'bin', 'laden', 'son', 'come', 'home', 'school', 'cry']","['asks', 'wrong', 'son', 'happened', 'teacher', 'asked', 'class', 'tallest', 'building', 'new', 'york', 'got', 'answer', 'wrong', 'answer', 'empire', 'state', 'building', 'worry', 'son', 'daddy', 'take', 'care', 'osama', 'bin', 'laden', 'son', 'come', 'home', 'school', 'cry']",31
"I turned around and saw an old lady.  She said to me,  ""Sonny,  would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."" 

""Sure."",  I replied.  Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends. 

""What a nice lady"", I thought,  while happily munching on the nuts. 

A few minutes later,  I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again,  offering some nuts.  I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.  

After about 10 minutes,  she tapped me on the shoulder,  once again offering some nuts. 

I asked her,  ""Why don't you eat them yourself?"" 

""Because we've got no teeth"",  she replied. 

""Then why do you buy them?"", I asked. 

""Oh,  because we just love the chocolate around them.""



",4oxx41,11545,So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.,"['turned', 'around', 'saw', 'old', 'lady', 'said', 'sonny', 'would', 'like', 'nut', 'got', 'couple', 'hazelnut', 'almond', 'like', 'sure', 'replied', 'gave', 'handful', 'nut', 'went', 'back', 'sit', 'friend', 'nice', 'lady', 'thought', 'happily', 'munching', 'nut', 'minute', 'later', 'felt', 'another', 'tap', 'shoulder', 'offering', 'nut', 'gladly', 'accepted', 'went', 'back', 'seat', 'minute', 'tapped', 'shoulder', 'offering', 'nut', 'asked', 'eat', 'got', 'teeth', 'replied', 'buy', 'asked', 'oh', 'love', 'chocolate', 'around']","['sitting', 'bus', 'reading', 'book', 'somebody', 'tapped', 'shoulder']","['turned', 'around', 'saw', 'old', 'lady', 'said', 'sonny', 'would', 'like', 'nut', 'got', 'couple', 'hazelnut', 'almond', 'like', 'sure', 'replied', 'gave', 'handful', 'nut', 'went', 'back', 'sit', 'friend', 'nice', 'lady', 'thought', 'happily', 'munching', 'nut', 'minute', 'later', 'felt', 'another', 'tap', 'shoulder', 'offering', 'nut', 'gladly', 'accepted', 'went', 'back', 'seat', 'minute', 'tapped', 'shoulder', 'offering', 'nut', 'asked', 'eat', 'got', 'teeth', 'replied', 'buy', 'asked', 'oh', 'love', 'chocolate', 'around', 'sitting', 'bus', 'reading', 'book', 'somebody', 'tapped', 'shoulder']",66
You have my Word.,4qg030,11491,To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..,['word'],"['whoever', 'stole', 'copy', 'microsoft', 'office', 'find']","['word', 'whoever', 'stole', 'copy', 'microsoft', 'office', 'find']",7
"Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.

Jesus says, ""Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!""

To which Chris Pratt replies, ""Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history.""

Jesus then says, ""and I bet I could get it for most followed person in history.""

Hitler raises his beer and proclaims, ""and I could get the record for the worst person in history!""

So the three gentlemen make their way to the Guinness head quarters where they are put to the test. 

First Chris Pratt goes into the record-recognizer room and walks out with a big smile shouting, ""Yes! Yes! I did it! I'm a world record holder!""

Next, Jesus walks in and then five minutes later comes out smiling as well shouting, ""Woohoo! I did it, I'm the most followed man ever!""

Finally Hitler walks in and then five minutes later comes out führerious and yells, ""Who the fuck is Ellen Pao?""




Edit: misspelled ""their"" because apparently I never made it past Ms. Johnson's 6th grade English class and I added führerious because people commenting on this thread are a lot funnier than I am ",3coxri,11485,"Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...","['jesus', 'chris', 'pratt', 'hitler', 'sitting', 'bar', 'drinkin', 'brew', 'jesus', 'say', 'hey', 'try', 'get', 'guinness', 'book', 'world', 'record', 'chris', 'pratt', 'reply', 'yeah', 'bet', 'could', 'get', 'loved', 'person', 'history', 'jesus', 'say', 'bet', 'could', 'get', 'followed', 'person', 'history', 'hitler', 'raise', 'beer', 'proclaims', 'could', 'get', 'record', 'worst', 'person', 'history', 'three', 'gentleman', 'make', 'way', 'guinness', 'head', 'quarter', 'put', 'test', 'first', 'chris', 'pratt', 'go', 'room', 'walk', 'big', 'smile', 'shouting', 'yes', 'yes', 'world', 'record', 'holder', 'next', 'jesus', 'walk', 'five', 'minute', 'later', 'come', 'smiling', 'well', 'shouting', 'woohoo', 'followed', 'man', 'ever', 'finally', 'hitler', 'walk', 'five', 'minute', 'later', 'come', 'führerious', 'yell', 'fuck', 'ellen', 'pao', 'edit', 'misspelled', 'apparently', 'never', 'made', 'past', 'johnson', 'grade', 'english', 'class', 'added', 'führerious', 'people', 'commenting', 'thread', 'lot', 'funnier']","['chris', 'pratt', 'jesus', 'hitler', 'sitting', 'bar']","['jesus', 'chris', 'pratt', 'hitler', 'sitting', 'bar', 'drinkin', 'brew', 'jesus', 'say', 'hey', 'try', 'get', 'guinness', 'book', 'world', 'record', 'chris', 'pratt', 'reply', 'yeah', 'bet', 'could', 'get', 'loved', 'person', 'history', 'jesus', 'say', 'bet', 'could', 'get', 'followed', 'person', 'history', 'hitler', 'raise', 'beer', 'proclaims', 'could', 'get', 'record', 'worst', 'person', 'history', 'three', 'gentleman', 'make', 'way', 'guinness', 'head', 'quarter', 'put', 'test', 'first', 'chris', 'pratt', 'go', 'room', 'walk', 'big', 'smile', 'shouting', 'yes', 'yes', 'world', 'record', 'holder', 'next', 'jesus', 'walk', 'five', 'minute', 'later', 'come', 'smiling', 'well', 'shouting', 'woohoo', 'followed', 'man', 'ever', 'finally', 'hitler', 'walk', 'five', 'minute', 'later', 'come', 'führerious', 'yell', 'fuck', 'ellen', 'pao', 'edit', 'misspelled', 'apparently', 'never', 'made', 'past', 'johnson', 'grade', 'english', 'class', 'added', 'führerious', 'people', 'commenting', 'thread', 'lot', 'funnier', 'chris', 'pratt', 'jesus', 'hitler', 'sitting', 'bar']",117
"Girlfriend: ""I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up.""

Me: ""Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.""",437bdk,11460,My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.,"['girlfriend', 'sick', 'pretending', 'detective', 'think', 'split', 'good', 'idea', 'cover', 'ground', 'way']","['girlfriend', 'told', 'sick', 'pretending', 'detective']","['girlfriend', 'sick', 'pretending', 'detective', 'think', 'split', 'good', 'idea', 'cover', 'ground', 'way', 'girlfriend', 'told', 'sick', 'pretending', 'detective']",16
That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.,373dmv,11459,I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.,"['take', 'number', 'girl', 'made', 'wet', 'year']","['lent', 'hot', 'girl', 'umbrella', 'yesterday']","['take', 'number', 'girl', 'made', 'wet', 'year', 'lent', 'hot', 'girl', 'umbrella', 'yesterday']",11
"... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.",3xl44b,11458,My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D...,"['said', 'yes']","['friend', 'asked', 'new', 'star', 'war']","['said', 'yes', 'friend', 'asked', 'new', 'star', 'war']",7
now I only drink for evil,53eq57,11439,Today I quit drinking for good,"['drink', 'evil']","['today', 'quit', 'drinking', 'good']","['drink', 'evil', 'today', 'quit', 'drinking', 'good']",6
"The man: “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man: “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?”

The guy: “No…they are all at the funeral!”",3uqezl,11435,A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.,"['man', 'would', 'ever', 'miss', 'world', 'cup', 'final', 'guy', 'wife', 'seat', 'last', 'five', 'world', 'cup', 'final', 'together', 'sadly', 'passed', 'man', 'terrible', 'get', 'another', 'member', 'family', 'friend', 'someone', 'else', 'come', 'guy', 'funeral']","['man', 'take', 'seat', 'world', 'cup', 'final', 'look', 'left', 'notice', 'spare', 'seat', 'next', 'guy']","['man', 'would', 'ever', 'miss', 'world', 'cup', 'final', 'guy', 'wife', 'seat', 'last', 'five', 'world', 'cup', 'final', 'together', 'sadly', 'passed', 'man', 'terrible', 'get', 'another', 'member', 'family', 'friend', 'someone', 'else', 'come', 'guy', 'funeral', 'man', 'take', 'seat', 'world', 'cup', 'final', 'look', 'left', 'notice', 'spare', 'seat', 'next', 'guy']",43
"The boy tells the priest, ""Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl.""

""Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?""

""Oh I can't say.""

""Was it Mary Jane?""

""No Father.""

""Adalina Mozarelli?"" 

""My lips are sealed.""

""How about Cindy King""

""I can never say.""

""Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?""

""No.""

""It has to be Tracy Cummings though!""

""Father I will never tell you.""

""Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months.""

""Ok, Father""

The boy leaves and his friend asks, ""So what'd you get?""

The boy responds, ""Five good leads, and a four month vacation!""
",3csndn,11429,A boy goes into confession...,"['boy', 'tell', 'priest', 'father', 'afraid', 'loose', 'girl', 'hmm', 'ok', 'son', 'girl', 'name', 'oh', 'ca', 'say', 'mary', 'jane', 'father', 'adalina', 'mozarelli', 'lip', 'sealed', 'cindy', 'king', 'never', 'say', 'oh', 'come', 'boy', 'find', 'soon', 'enough', 'tina', 'king', 'tracy', 'cummings', 'though', 'father', 'never', 'tell', 'ok', 'fine', 'sin', 'ca', 'alter', 'boy', 'four', 'month', 'ok', 'father', 'boy', 'leaf', 'friend', 'asks', 'get', 'boy', 'responds', 'five', 'good', 'lead', 'four', 'month', 'vacation']","['boy', 'go', 'confession']","['boy', 'tell', 'priest', 'father', 'afraid', 'loose', 'girl', 'hmm', 'ok', 'son', 'girl', 'name', 'oh', 'ca', 'say', 'mary', 'jane', 'father', 'adalina', 'mozarelli', 'lip', 'sealed', 'cindy', 'king', 'never', 'say', 'oh', 'come', 'boy', 'find', 'soon', 'enough', 'tina', 'king', 'tracy', 'cummings', 'though', 'father', 'never', 'tell', 'ok', 'fine', 'sin', 'ca', 'alter', 'boy', 'four', 'month', 'ok', 'father', 'boy', 'leaf', 'friend', 'asks', 'get', 'boy', 'responds', 'five', 'good', 'lead', 'four', 'month', 'vacation', 'boy', 'go', 'confession']",66
"Anybody know what ""ternative"" means?",4zfbw9,11397,"My girlfriend texted me ""helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative""","['anybody', 'know', 'ternative', 'mean']","['girlfriend', 'texted', 'helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative']","['anybody', 'know', 'ternative', 'mean', 'girlfriend', 'texted', 'helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative']",7
"This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: ""Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?""

Witness: ""No.""

Lawyer: ""Did you check for blood pressure?""

Witness: ""No.""

Lawyer: ""Did you check for breathing?""

Witness: ""No.""

Lawyer: ""So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?""

Witness: ""No.""

Lawyer: ""How can you be so sure, Doctor?""

Witness: ""Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.""

Lawyer: ""But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?""

Witness: ""Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.""",4fh9ef,11396,This was Actually Said..,"['actually', 'said', 'court', 'taken', 'transcript', 'lawyer', 'doctor', 'performed', 'autopsy', 'check', 'pulse', 'witness', 'lawyer', 'check', 'blood', 'pressure', 'witness', 'lawyer', 'check', 'breathing', 'witness', 'lawyer', 'possible', 'patient', 'alive', 'began', 'autopsy', 'witness', 'lawyer', 'sure', 'doctor', 'witness', 'brain', 'sitting', 'desk', 'jar', 'lawyer', 'could', 'patient', 'still', 'alive', 'nevertheless', 'witness', 'yes', 'possible', 'could', 'alive', 'practicing', 'law', 'somewhere']","['actually', 'said']","['actually', 'said', 'court', 'taken', 'transcript', 'lawyer', 'doctor', 'performed', 'autopsy', 'check', 'pulse', 'witness', 'lawyer', 'check', 'blood', 'pressure', 'witness', 'lawyer', 'check', 'breathing', 'witness', 'lawyer', 'possible', 'patient', 'alive', 'began', 'autopsy', 'witness', 'lawyer', 'sure', 'doctor', 'witness', 'brain', 'sitting', 'desk', 'jar', 'lawyer', 'could', 'patient', 'still', 'alive', 'nevertheless', 'witness', 'yes', 'possible', 'could', 'alive', 'practicing', 'law', 'somewhere', 'actually', 'said']",52
"Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ""Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?""

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, ""Land mines.""",4u7tty,11331,A woman must walk 5 paces behind...,"['barbara', 'walter', 'story', 'gender', 'role', 'kabul', 'afghanistan', 'several', 'year', 'afghan', 'conflict', 'noted', 'woman', 'customarily', 'walked', 'five', 'pace', 'behind', 'husband', 'recently', 'returned', 'kabul', 'observed', 'woman', 'still', 'walked', 'behind', 'husband', 'despite', 'overthrow', 'oppressive', 'taliban', 'regime', 'woman', 'seemed', 'happy', 'maintain', 'old', 'custom', 'walter', 'approached', 'one', 'afghani', 'woman', 'asked', 'still', 'abide', 'old', 'custom', 'tried', 'desperately', 'change', 'woman', 'looked', 'walter', 'straight', 'eye', 'without', 'hesitation', 'said', 'land', 'mine']","['woman', 'must', 'walk', 'pace', 'behind']","['barbara', 'walter', 'story', 'gender', 'role', 'kabul', 'afghanistan', 'several', 'year', 'afghan', 'conflict', 'noted', 'woman', 'customarily', 'walked', 'five', 'pace', 'behind', 'husband', 'recently', 'returned', 'kabul', 'observed', 'woman', 'still', 'walked', 'behind', 'husband', 'despite', 'overthrow', 'oppressive', 'taliban', 'regime', 'woman', 'seemed', 'happy', 'maintain', 'old', 'custom', 'walter', 'approached', 'one', 'afghani', 'woman', 'asked', 'still', 'abide', 'old', 'custom', 'tried', 'desperately', 'change', 'woman', 'looked', 'walter', 'straight', 'eye', 'without', 'hesitation', 'said', 'land', 'mine', 'woman', 'must', 'walk', 'pace', 'behind']",67
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.,43tmyd,11286,My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.,"['remembered', 'wife', 'different', 'dentist']","['dentist', 'reminded', 'wife', 'sensitive', 'gag', 'reflex', 'laughed', 'laughed']","['remembered', 'wife', 'different', 'dentist', 'dentist', 'reminded', 'wife', 'sensitive', 'gag', 'reflex', 'laughed', 'laughed']",12
"At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. 

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket.  It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

""This is so embarrassing,"" the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. ""I'm sorry to have disturbed you.  Let me buy dinner to make it up to you.  May I join you?""  He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.  He gets her phone number and asks, ""You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered.  Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"" 

""No,"" she replies. ""You just happened to catch my eye.""",2tl374,11274,Pretty woman sneezes,"['hotel', 'restaurant', 'man', 'see', 'attractive', 'woman', 'sitting', 'alone', 'next', 'table', 'suddenly', 'sneeze', 'glass', 'eye', 'come', 'flying', 'eye', 'socket', 'hurl', 'man', 'snatch', 'air', 'hand', 'back', 'embarrassing', 'woman', 'say', 'pop', 'eye', 'back', 'place', 'sorry', 'disturbed', 'let', 'buy', 'dinner', 'make', 'may', 'join', 'nod', 'woman', 'stimulating', 'conversationalist', 'stunningly', 'pretty', 'man', 'find', 'lot', 'common', 'get', 'phone', 'number', 'asks', 'charming', 'woman', 'ever', 'encountered', 'nice', 'every', 'guy', 'meet', 'reply', 'happened', 'catch', 'eye']","['pretty', 'woman', 'sneeze']","['hotel', 'restaurant', 'man', 'see', 'attractive', 'woman', 'sitting', 'alone', 'next', 'table', 'suddenly', 'sneeze', 'glass', 'eye', 'come', 'flying', 'eye', 'socket', 'hurl', 'man', 'snatch', 'air', 'hand', 'back', 'embarrassing', 'woman', 'say', 'pop', 'eye', 'back', 'place', 'sorry', 'disturbed', 'let', 'buy', 'dinner', 'make', 'may', 'join', 'nod', 'woman', 'stimulating', 'conversationalist', 'stunningly', 'pretty', 'man', 'find', 'lot', 'common', 'get', 'phone', 'number', 'asks', 'charming', 'woman', 'ever', 'encountered', 'nice', 'every', 'guy', 'meet', 'reply', 'happened', 'catch', 'eye', 'pretty', 'woman', 'sneeze']",68
"Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.",3gthr3,11230,Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?,"['fell', 'forward', 'still', 'boat']","['scuba', 'diver', 'fall', 'backwards', 'boat']","['fell', 'forward', 'still', 'boat', 'scuba', 'diver', 'fall', 'backwards', 'boat']",9
"Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)",503dys,11222,"George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity","['like', 'one', 'character', 'trash', 'post', 'hit', 'front', 'page', 'title', 'could', 'really', 'mess', 'got', 'fan', 'saying']","['george', 'r', 'r', 'martin', 'dead', 'reaching', 'peak', 'popularity']","['like', 'one', 'character', 'trash', 'post', 'hit', 'front', 'page', 'title', 'could', 'really', 'mess', 'got', 'fan', 'saying', 'george', 'r', 'r', 'martin', 'dead', 'reaching', 'peak', 'popularity']",23
"I was telling my son the ""knock knock who's there banana joke"", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said ""you shouldn't stand so close to the door""
",3zi7no,11220,My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke,"['telling', 'son', 'knock', 'knock', 'banana', 'joke', 'laughed', 'told', 'tell', 'said', 'knock', 'knock', 'backhanded', 'face', 'said', 'stand', 'close', 'door']","['year', 'old', 'painful', 'twist', 'knock', 'knock', 'joke']","['telling', 'son', 'knock', 'knock', 'banana', 'joke', 'laughed', 'told', 'tell', 'said', 'knock', 'knock', 'backhanded', 'face', 'said', 'stand', 'close', 'door', 'year', 'old', 'painful', 'twist', 'knock', 'knock', 'joke']",25
Will make your car look fucking stupid,4ikqzj,11219,Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers,"['make', 'car', 'look', 'fucking', 'stupid']","['warning', 'game', 'throne', 'spoiler']","['make', 'car', 'look', 'fucking', 'stupid', 'warning', 'game', 'throne', 'spoiler']",9
Mount Rushmore,4cak7q,11178,What rock group has four men that don't sing?,"['mount', 'rushmore']","['rock', 'group', 'four', 'men', 'sing']","['mount', 'rushmore', 'rock', 'group', 'four', 'men', 'sing']",7
Cost me a fortune in stamps ,45qjaq,11171,TIFU by sending my nudes to everyone in my address book,"['cost', 'fortune', 'stamp']","['tifu', 'sending', 'nude', 'everyone', 'address', 'book']","['cost', 'fortune', 'stamp', 'tifu', 'sending', 'nude', 'everyone', 'address', 'book']",9
"Nothing, they fast. 

I'll see myself out. ",2z0wx5,11170,What do sprinters eat before a race?,"['nothing', 'fast', 'see']","['sprinter', 'eat', 'race']","['nothing', 'fast', 'see', 'sprinter', 'eat', 'race']",6
Because that's where students have the most potential.,52te9z,11164,Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? (Original joke),"['student', 'potential']","['best', 'teach', 'physic', 'edge', 'cliff', 'original', 'joke']","['student', 'potential', 'best', 'teach', 'physic', 'edge', 'cliff', 'original', 'joke']",9
Remains to be seen.,4176c2,11163,Will glass coffins be a success?,"['remains', 'seen']","['glass', 'coffin', 'success']","['remains', 'seen', 'glass', 'coffin', 'success']",5
"On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.",4a0s3o,11157,I like my women how I like my computer.,"['lap', 'turned', 'virus', 'free']","['like', 'woman', 'like', 'computer']","['lap', 'turned', 'virus', 'free', 'like', 'woman', 'like', 'computer']",8
"His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

""When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!""",4alzxr,11150,"A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.","['parent', 'religious', 'friend', 'suggestion', 'felt', 'private', 'catholic', 'school', 'may', 'effective', 'grade', 'began', 'rise', 'dramatically', 'switch', 'asked', 'helped', 'much', 'responded', 'saw', 'guy', 'nailed', 'plus', 'sign', 'knew', 'meant', 'business']","['year', 'old', 'boy', 'difficulty', 'mathematics', 'failing', 'public', 'school']","['parent', 'religious', 'friend', 'suggestion', 'felt', 'private', 'catholic', 'school', 'may', 'effective', 'grade', 'began', 'rise', 'dramatically', 'switch', 'asked', 'helped', 'much', 'responded', 'saw', 'guy', 'nailed', 'plus', 'sign', 'knew', 'meant', 'business', 'year', 'old', 'boy', 'difficulty', 'mathematics', 'failing', 'public', 'school']",35
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.,4awt3d,11147,TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.,"['ca', 'remember', 'last', 'time', 'ate', 'monkey']","['til', 'human', 'eat', 'banana', 'monkey']","['ca', 'remember', 'last', 'time', 'ate', 'monkey', 'til', 'human', 'eat', 'banana', 'monkey']",11
"The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.

The teacher said: ""Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?""

Little Timmy was bouncing up and down in his seat, arm raised: ""OOH! OOH! I KNOW!""

Before the teacher could call on him, little Julie stood and said: ""Franklin Roosevelt"".

""Very good Julie, you can go."" the teacher replied. ""Okay class, which president said: 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?""

Again, little Timmy's hand shot into the air and he waved his arms excitedly. ""OOH! OOH! I KNOW! PLEASE!""

Again, before she had a chance to call on anyone, little Sally stood and said: ""John Kennedy""

""Very good Sally, you may leave also."" The teacher asked again ""Okay class, which President said: ""Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall?""

Before Timmy could answer, little Jennifer jumped up and shouted: ""Ronald Reagan!""

Frustrated, little Timmy mumbled to himself: ""I wish these bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!""

The teacher heard and shouted: ""WHO SAID THAT!?!""

Timmy jumped up: ""Bill Clinton! Can I go now?""",3zxu4d,11145,A little boy was sitting in class...,"['teacher', 'decided', 'since', 'friday', 'afternoon', 'nothing', 'left', 'week', 'let', 'student', 'go', 'home', 'early', 'could', 'answer', 'question', 'correctly', 'teacher', 'said', 'okay', 'class', 'president', 'said', 'thing', 'fear', 'fear', 'little', 'timmy', 'bouncing', 'seat', 'arm', 'raised', 'ooh', 'ooh', 'know', 'teacher', 'could', 'call', 'little', 'julie', 'stood', 'said', 'franklin', 'roosevelt', 'good', 'julie', 'go', 'teacher', 'replied', 'okay', 'class', 'president', 'said', 'country', 'ask', 'country', 'little', 'timmy', 'hand', 'shot', 'air', 'waved', 'arm', 'excitedly', 'ooh', 'ooh', 'know', 'please', 'chance', 'call', 'anyone', 'little', 'sally', 'stood', 'said', 'john', 'kennedy', 'good', 'sally', 'may', 'leave', 'also', 'teacher', 'asked', 'okay', 'class', 'president', 'said', 'gorbachev', 'tear', 'wall', 'timmy', 'could', 'answer', 'little', 'jennifer', 'jumped', 'shouted', 'ronald', 'reagan', 'frustrated', 'little', 'timmy', 'mumbled', 'wish', 'bitch', 'would', 'keep', 'fucking', 'mouth', 'shut', 'teacher', 'heard', 'shouted', 'said', 'timmy', 'jumped', 'bill', 'clinton', 'go']","['little', 'boy', 'sitting', 'class']","['teacher', 'decided', 'since', 'friday', 'afternoon', 'nothing', 'left', 'week', 'let', 'student', 'go', 'home', 'early', 'could', 'answer', 'question', 'correctly', 'teacher', 'said', 'okay', 'class', 'president', 'said', 'thing', 'fear', 'fear', 'little', 'timmy', 'bouncing', 'seat', 'arm', 'raised', 'ooh', 'ooh', 'know', 'teacher', 'could', 'call', 'little', 'julie', 'stood', 'said', 'franklin', 'roosevelt', 'good', 'julie', 'go', 'teacher', 'replied', 'okay', 'class', 'president', 'said', 'country', 'ask', 'country', 'little', 'timmy', 'hand', 'shot', 'air', 'waved', 'arm', 'excitedly', 'ooh', 'ooh', 'know', 'please', 'chance', 'call', 'anyone', 'little', 'sally', 'stood', 'said', 'john', 'kennedy', 'good', 'sally', 'may', 'leave', 'also', 'teacher', 'asked', 'okay', 'class', 'president', 'said', 'gorbachev', 'tear', 'wall', 'timmy', 'could', 'answer', 'little', 'jennifer', 'jumped', 'shouted', 'ronald', 'reagan', 'frustrated', 'little', 'timmy', 'mumbled', 'wish', 'bitch', 'would', 'keep', 'fucking', 'mouth', 'shut', 'teacher', 'heard', 'shouted', 'said', 'timmy', 'jumped', 'bill', 'clinton', 'go', 'little', 'boy', 'sitting', 'class']",124
The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabidoooo!,4l61v8,11128,What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?,"['people', 'dubai', 'watch', 'flintstone', 'people', 'abu', 'dhabidoooo']","['difference', 'dubai', 'abu', 'dhabi']","['people', 'dubai', 'watch', 'flintstone', 'people', 'abu', 'dhabidoooo', 'difference', 'dubai', 'abu', 'dhabi']",11
Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted,4zo7vf,11104,For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.,"['unfortunately', 'pen', 'turned', 'gorilla', 'floor', 'melted']","['chemistry', 'exam', 'write', 'thousand', 'word', 'acid']","['unfortunately', 'pen', 'turned', 'gorilla', 'floor', 'melted', 'chemistry', 'exam', 'write', 'thousand', 'word', 'acid']",12
I stick a tube of toothpaste up my ass for complete cavity protection.,52vluu,11098,To avoid being raped when I am in jail...,"['stick', 'tube', 'toothpaste', 'as', 'complete', 'cavity', 'protection']","['avoid', 'raped', 'jail']","['stick', 'tube', 'toothpaste', 'as', 'complete', 'cavity', 'protection', 'avoid', 'raped', 'jail']",10
How shitty of a parent are you?,4oixux,11078,On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla....,"['shitty', 'parent']","['scale', 'alligator', 'gorilla']","['shitty', 'parent', 'scale', 'alligator', 'gorilla']",5
"I shout, ""Fuck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it's just going to taste like carrots!""",4mgt31,11078,"So, I walk in on daughter masturbating with a carrot.","['shout', 'fuck', 'seriously', 'going', 'eat', 'later', 'going', 'taste', 'like', 'carrot']","['walk', 'daughter', 'masturbating', 'carrot']","['shout', 'fuck', 'seriously', 'going', 'eat', 'later', 'going', 'taste', 'like', 'carrot', 'walk', 'daughter', 'masturbating', 'carrot']",14
"A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl, that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission.

""Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand""

A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ""And why is that?""

The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... ""Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."" 
",4sw3zg,11063,A guy falls in love with a very traditional girl.....,"['guy', 'fall', 'love', 'traditional', 'conservative', 'girl', 'mean', 'sex', 'marriage', 'care', 'love', 'year', 'two', 'dating', 'decides', 'time', 'propose', 'head', 'father', 'house', 'ask', 'permission', 'hello', 'sir', 'ask', 'daughter', 'hand', 'bit', 'skeptical', 'looking', 'see', 'really', 'love', 'father', 'asks', 'guy', 'let', 'long', 'drawn', 'sigh', 'well', 'mine', 'gotten', 'tired']","['guy', 'fall', 'love', 'traditional', 'girl']","['guy', 'fall', 'love', 'traditional', 'conservative', 'girl', 'mean', 'sex', 'marriage', 'care', 'love', 'year', 'two', 'dating', 'decides', 'time', 'propose', 'head', 'father', 'house', 'ask', 'permission', 'hello', 'sir', 'ask', 'daughter', 'hand', 'bit', 'skeptical', 'looking', 'see', 'really', 'love', 'father', 'asks', 'guy', 'let', 'long', 'drawn', 'sigh', 'well', 'mine', 'gotten', 'tired', 'guy', 'fall', 'love', 'traditional', 'girl']",49
Because you're super annoying and won't shut up,3o5how,11034,Damn girl are you a smoke detector?,"['super', 'annoying', 'wo', 'shut']","['damn', 'girl', 'smoke', 'detector']","['super', 'annoying', 'wo', 'shut', 'damn', 'girl', 'smoke', 'detector']",8
I'll be in my lab.,4id1go,11024,I'm a scientist that's researching beastiality between humans and dogs,['lab'],"['scientist', 'researching', 'beastiality', 'human', 'dog']","['lab', 'scientist', 'researching', 'beastiality', 'human', 'dog']",6
"And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

""So, you're a politician..."" ""Well, yes, is that a problem?"" ""Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!""

""Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??"" says the politician. ""Them's the rules"" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears...
And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?

""Open your eyes!"" says a voice. ""C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!"". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. ""Who are you??"" The politician asks. ""Well, I'm Satan!"" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. ""Welcome to Hell!"" ""Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?"" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. ""Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."" Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. ""It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!"" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep...
And is woken up by St Peter. ""So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?"" ""No sir!"" says the man. ""So then"" says St Peter ""you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on"". ""Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell"" says the politician. ""Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!"" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. ""What's this??"" He cries. ""Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???""

""Ah"", says Satan. ""You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted...""",3l5l19,11000,A politician dies...,"['end', 'standing', 'front', 'pearly', 'gate', 'saint', 'peter', 'look', 'second', 'flick', 'book', 'find', 'name', 'politician', 'well', 'yes', 'problem', 'oh', 'problem', 'recently', 'adopted', 'new', 'system', 'people', 'line', 'work', 'unfortunately', 'spend', 'day', 'hell', 'however', 'free', 'choose', 'want', 'spend', 'eternity', 'wait', 'spend', 'day', 'hell', 'say', 'politician', 'rule', 'say', 'st', 'peter', 'click', 'finger', 'woomph', 'guy', 'dissapears', 'awakes', 'curled', 'hand', 'eye', 'knowing', 'hell', 'cautiously', 'listens', 'scream', 'sniff', 'air', 'brimstone', 'find', 'nothing', 'smell', 'fabric', 'softener', 'cut', 'grass', 'ca', 'right', 'open', 'eye', 'say', 'voice', 'wakey', 'wakey', 'got', 'hour', 'nervously', 'uncovers', 'eye', 'look', 'around', 'see', 'hotel', 'room', 'nice', 'one', 'wait', 'penthouse', 'suite', 'smiling', 'man', 'suit', 'holding', 'martini', 'politician', 'asks', 'well', 'satan', 'say', 'man', 'handing', 'drink', 'helping', 'foot', 'welcome', 'hell', 'wait', 'hell', 'pain', 'suffering', 'asks', 'satan', 'throw', 'wink', 'oh', 'bit', 'year', 'long', 'story', 'anyway', 'room', 'minibar', 'course', 'free', 'room', 'service', 'extra', 'towel', 'next', 'need', 'anything', 'call', 'reception', 'enough', 'beautiful', 'day', 'care', 'look', 'outside', 'slightly', 'stunned', 'opulent', 'surroundings', 'man', 'wanders', 'window', 'sun', 'glowing', 'look', 'far', 'see', 'group', 'people', 'cheering', 'waving', 'golf', 'course', 'one', 'course', 'site', 'another', 'minute', 'drive', 'past', 'beach', 'harbour', 'say', 'satan', 'answering', 'unasked', 'question', 'head', 'lift', 'walk', 'glittering', 'lobby', 'everyone', 'wave', 'welcome', 'man', 'satan', 'sign', 'autograph', 'cherrily', 'talk', 'shop', 'laughing', 'staff', 'walk', 'see', 'group', 'golf', 'course', 'made', 'every', 'one', 'old', 'friend', 'people', 'admired', 'year', 'never', 'met', 'worked', 'people', 'whose', 'work', 'admired', 'died', 'long', 'career', 'started', 'middle', 'group', 'walk', 'wife', 'massive', 'smile', 'body', 'throw', 'arm', 'around', 'plant', 'delicate', 'kiss', 'cheek', 'everyone', 'cheer', 'applauds', 'slap', 'back', 'trade', 'joke', 'worst', 'enemy', 'arrives', 'foot', 'tall', 'caddy', 'spends', 'day', 'bright', 'sunshine', 'course', 'time', 'life', 'laughing', 'joke', 'carrying', 'important', 'discussion', 'putting', 'world', 'right', 'friend', 'holding', 'delighted', 'wife', 'next', 'gaze', 'lovingly', 'later', 'return', 'hotel', 'dinner', 'enormous', 'meal', 'perfectly', 'cooked', 'descends', 'someone', 'accidentally', 'throw', 'bread', 'roll', 'next', 'table', 'ghandi', 'game', 'marylin', 'monroe', 'everyone', 'falling', 'laughing', 'flinging', 'breadstick', 'wife', 'whisper', 'ear', 'return', 'penthouse', 'suite', 'spend', 'rest', 'night', 'making', 'love', 'like', 'honeymoon', 'hour', 'intense', 'passion', 'man', 'fall', 'deep', 'egyptian', 'cotton', 'pillow', 'fall', 'deep', 'happy', 'sleep', 'woken', 'st', 'peter', 'hell', 'expecting', 'bet', 'sir', 'say', 'man', 'say', 'st', 'peter', 'make', 'choice', 'hell', 'saw', 'heaven', 'choral', 'singing', 'talking', 'god', 'white', 'robe', 'well', 'know', 'sound', 'strange', 'balance', 'think', 'prefer', 'hell', 'say', 'politician', 'problem', 'totally', 'understand', 'enjoy', 'say', 'st', 'peter', 'click', 'finger', 'man', 'wake', 'total', 'darkness', 'stench', 'ammonia', 'filling', 'air', 'distant', 'scream', 'noise', 'adjusts', 'see', 'light', 'belch', 'flame', 'far', 'away', 'illuminating', 'ragged', 'remains', 'people', 'tortured', 'burning', 'sulphurous', 'ocean', 'sudden', 'bolt', 'lightning', 'reveals', 'satan', 'next', 'wearing', 'suit', 'grinning', 'holding', 'soldering', 'iron', 'one', 'hand', 'coil', 'cry', 'hotel', 'wife', 'minibar', 'pool', 'restaurant', 'free', 'drink', 'sunshine', 'ah', 'say', 'satan', 'see', 'yesterday', 'campaigning', 'today', 'voted']","['politician', 'dy']","['end', 'standing', 'front', 'pearly', 'gate', 'saint', 'peter', 'look', 'second', 'flick', 'book', 'find', 'name', 'politician', 'well', 'yes', 'problem', 'oh', 'problem', 'recently', 'adopted', 'new', 'system', 'people', 'line', 'work', 'unfortunately', 'spend', 'day', 'hell', 'however', 'free', 'choose', 'want', 'spend', 'eternity', 'wait', 'spend', 'day', 'hell', 'say', 'politician', 'rule', 'say', 'st', 'peter', 'click', 'finger', 'woomph', 'guy', 'dissapears', 'awakes', 'curled', 'hand', 'eye', 'knowing', 'hell', 'cautiously', 'listens', 'scream', 'sniff', 'air', 'brimstone', 'find', 'nothing', 'smell', 'fabric', 'softener', 'cut', 'grass', 'ca', 'right', 'open', 'eye', 'say', 'voice', 'wakey', 'wakey', 'got', 'hour', 'nervously', 'uncovers', 'eye', 'look', 'around', 'see', 'hotel', 'room', 'nice', 'one', 'wait', 'penthouse', 'suite', 'smiling', 'man', 'suit', 'holding', 'martini', 'politician', 'asks', 'well', 'satan', 'say', 'man', 'handing', 'drink', 'helping', 'foot', 'welcome', 'hell', 'wait', 'hell', 'pain', 'suffering', 'asks', 'satan', 'throw', 'wink', 'oh', 'bit', 'year', 'long', 'story', 'anyway', 'room', 'minibar', 'course', 'free', 'room', 'service', 'extra', 'towel', 'next', 'need', 'anything', 'call', 'reception', 'enough', 'beautiful', 'day', 'care', 'look', 'outside', 'slightly', 'stunned', 'opulent', 'surroundings', 'man', 'wanders', 'window', 'sun', 'glowing', 'look', 'far', 'see', 'group', 'people', 'cheering', 'waving', 'golf', 'course', 'one', 'course', 'site', 'another', 'minute', 'drive', 'past', 'beach', 'harbour', 'say', 'satan', 'answering', 'unasked', 'question', 'head', 'lift', 'walk', 'glittering', 'lobby', 'everyone', 'wave', 'welcome', 'man', 'satan', 'sign', 'autograph', 'cherrily', 'talk', 'shop', 'laughing', 'staff', 'walk', 'see', 'group', 'golf', 'course', 'made', 'every', 'one', 'old', 'friend', 'people', 'admired', 'year', 'never', 'met', 'worked', 'people', 'whose', 'work', 'admired', 'died', 'long', 'career', 'started', 'middle', 'group', 'walk', 'wife', 'massive', 'smile', 'body', 'throw', 'arm', 'around', 'plant', 'delicate', 'kiss', 'cheek', 'everyone', 'cheer', 'applauds', 'slap', 'back', 'trade', 'joke', 'worst', 'enemy', 'arrives', 'foot', 'tall', 'caddy', 'spends', 'day', 'bright', 'sunshine', 'course', 'time', 'life', 'laughing', 'joke', 'carrying', 'important', 'discussion', 'putting', 'world', 'right', 'friend', 'holding', 'delighted', 'wife', 'next', 'gaze', 'lovingly', 'later', 'return', 'hotel', 'dinner', 'enormous', 'meal', 'perfectly', 'cooked', 'descends', 'someone', 'accidentally', 'throw', 'bread', 'roll', 'next', 'table', 'ghandi', 'game', 'marylin', 'monroe', 'everyone', 'falling', 'laughing', 'flinging', 'breadstick', 'wife', 'whisper', 'ear', 'return', 'penthouse', 'suite', 'spend', 'rest', 'night', 'making', 'love', 'like', 'honeymoon', 'hour', 'intense', 'passion', 'man', 'fall', 'deep', 'egyptian', 'cotton', 'pillow', 'fall', 'deep', 'happy', 'sleep', 'woken', 'st', 'peter', 'hell', 'expecting', 'bet', 'sir', 'say', 'man', 'say', 'st', 'peter', 'make', 'choice', 'hell', 'saw', 'heaven', 'choral', 'singing', 'talking', 'god', 'white', 'robe', 'well', 'know', 'sound', 'strange', 'balance', 'think', 'prefer', 'hell', 'say', 'politician', 'problem', 'totally', 'understand', 'enjoy', 'say', 'st', 'peter', 'click', 'finger', 'man', 'wake', 'total', 'darkness', 'stench', 'ammonia', 'filling', 'air', 'distant', 'scream', 'noise', 'adjusts', 'see', 'light', 'belch', 'flame', 'far', 'away', 'illuminating', 'ragged', 'remains', 'people', 'tortured', 'burning', 'sulphurous', 'ocean', 'sudden', 'bolt', 'lightning', 'reveals', 'satan', 'next', 'wearing', 'suit', 'grinning', 'holding', 'soldering', 'iron', 'one', 'hand', 'coil', 'cry', 'hotel', 'wife', 'minibar', 'pool', 'restaurant', 'free', 'drink', 'sunshine', 'ah', 'say', 'satan', 'see', 'yesterday', 'campaigning', 'today', 'voted', 'politician', 'dy']",418
"That's common sense leaving your body. 

Edit: now I know what people mean when they say ""RIP inbox"". ",5r5h9a,10960,You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?,"['common', 'sense', 'leaving', 'body', 'edit', 'know', 'people', 'mean', 'say', 'rip', 'inbox']","['know', 'tingly', 'sensation', 'get', 'like', 'somebody']","['common', 'sense', 'leaving', 'body', 'edit', 'know', 'people', 'mean', 'say', 'rip', 'inbox', 'know', 'tingly', 'sensation', 'get', 'like', 'somebody']",17
hope you find it funny!,2aj3p9,10956,"I tried changing my password to ""brazildefense"" but Reddit said it was too weak","['hope', 'find', 'funny']","['tried', 'changing', 'password', 'brazildefense', 'reddit', 'said', 'weak']","['hope', 'find', 'funny', 'tried', 'changing', 'password', 'brazildefense', 'reddit', 'said', 'weak']",10
"So I have. 

She's 25 and her name is Candy.",4xz3a1,10896,"As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...","['name', 'candy']","['approach', 'wife', 'suggested', 'get', 'one', 'high', 'performance', 'penis', 'enlarger']","['name', 'candy', 'approach', 'wife', 'suggested', 'get', 'one', 'high', 'performance', 'penis', 'enlarger']",11
"One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT: A collection of other [spoonerisms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoonerism) for your reading pleasure. And stop giving me sh... about not fu... cussing, you godd... motherfu... hookers.

/u/whitefoot /u/thumpas /u/owlve - What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom? A pick pocket snatches watches.

/u/YouKnowWhatYouWant /u/The1WhoKnocks-WW /u/fixitinpost - What's the difference between a tribe of Pygmy warriors and a girls' track team? One's a bunch of cunning runts.

/u/circuituously /u/Bduell1 - What's the difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bath? One's got hope in her soul, the other....

/u/PussyOnRye /u/BluRayVonBismark /u/CptEchoOscar /u/goatkindaguy - What's the difference between a circus and a sorority? One's a cunning array of stunts.....

/u/brucethehoon /u/Harrytrumandorisday /u/dghughes /u/TheGiggleWizard /u/FlyingPhotog /u/deepsoulfunk - What's the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an oyster with epilepsy? One, you shuck between fits, and the other you fuck between shits.

/u/fixitinpost - What's the difference between a lawyer and a defiant rooster? One clucks defiance...

/u/fixitinpost - What's the difference between a kitten having an orgasm and a shish kabob? The shish kabob skews between meats...

/u/sonofstone - What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, the other has a pause at the end of the clause.

/u/bilbo_dragons - What's the difference between a video game console and a glue factory? One's a Sony Playstation and the other's a pony slaystation.

/u/Doses-Mimosas /u/Julfr /u/Jtdollars - What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

/u/Bduell1 - What's the difference between a baby and a choir director? One of them sucks his fingers, and the other one fucks his singers.

/u/dusmeyedin - What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon? A magician's wand is cunning stunts, and a policeman's truncheon is for... apprehending criminals.

/u/Deltethnia - What's the difference between a cyclist and a psychiatrist? On rides on something held together by nuts, the other holds nuts together and takes them for a ride!

/u/jellycube - What's the difference between a good vacuum and the Swiss navy? One sucks and sucks and never fails...

/u/Hingle_McCringleberry - What's the difference between a Metallica concert and a Mike Tyson fight? One leaves a ring in the ears, the other leaves an ear in the ring

/u/moak0 (crediting [Redd Foxx](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z19kt3_Wc54) ) - What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat? A goldfish likes to muck around the fountain.

/u/jorge123 - What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold. One's a sick duck... I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore!

/u/AAT_AAT - What's the difference between a seagull and a baby with diarrhoea? One flits across the shore the other shits across the floor...

*Honorable Mentions:*

/u/jamspangle /u/JacksCologne - There are two types of people in the world; those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.

/u/grandboyman - There are 10 types of people in this world.Those that understand binary and those that don't.

/u/jorge1213 - What's the difference between a lobster and an oriental woman run over by a steamroller? One is a crustacean, the other is a crushed Asian.

",4ionxs,10882,What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?,"['one', 'shoot', 'ca', 'hit', 'hoot', 'ca', 'sh', 'edit', 'collection', 'spoonerism', 'http', 'reading', 'pleasure', 'stop', 'giving', 'sh', 'fu', 'cussing', 'godd', 'motherfu', 'hooker', 'difference', 'pick', 'pocket', 'peeping', 'tom', 'pick', 'pocket', 'snatch', 'watch', 'difference', 'tribe', 'pygmy', 'warrior', 'girl', 'track', 'team', 'one', 'bunch', 'cunning', 'runt', 'difference', 'girl', 'church', 'girl', 'bath', 'one', 'got', 'hope', 'soul', 'difference', 'circus', 'sorority', 'one', 'cunning', 'array', 'stunt', 'difference', 'prostitute', 'diarrhea', 'oyster', 'epilepsy', 'one', 'shuck', 'fit', 'fuck', 'shit', 'difference', 'lawyer', 'defiant', 'rooster', 'one', 'cluck', 'defiance', 'difference', 'kitten', 'orgasm', 'shish', 'kabob', 'shish', 'kabob', 'skews', 'meat', 'difference', 'cat', 'comma', 'one', 'claw', 'end', 'paw', 'pause', 'end', 'clause', 'difference', 'video', 'game', 'console', 'glue', 'factory', 'one', 'sony', 'playstation', 'pony', 'slaystation', 'difference', 'dirty', 'bus', 'stop', 'lobster', 'breast', 'implant', 'one', 'crusty', 'bus', 'station', 'busty', 'crustacean', 'difference', 'baby', 'choir', 'director', 'one', 'suck', 'finger', 'one', 'fuck', 'singer', 'difference', 'magician', 'wand', 'policeman', 'truncheon', 'magician', 'wand', 'cunning', 'stunt', 'policeman', 'truncheon', 'apprehending', 'criminal', 'difference', 'cyclist', 'psychiatrist', 'ride', 'something', 'held', 'together', 'nut', 'hold', 'nut', 'together', 'take', 'ride', 'difference', 'good', 'vacuum', 'swiss', 'navy', 'one', 'suck', 'suck', 'never', 'fails', 'difference', 'metallica', 'concert', 'mike', 'tyson', 'fight', 'one', 'leaf', 'ring', 'ear', 'leaf', 'ear', 'ring', 'crediting', 'redd', 'foxx', 'http', 'difference', 'goldfish', 'mountain', 'goat', 'goldfish', 'like', 'muck', 'around', 'fountain', 'difference', 'mallard', 'cold', 'one', 'sick', 'duck', 'ca', 'remember', 'end', 'mother', 'whore', 'difference', 'seagull', 'baby', 'diarrhoea', 'one', 'flit', 'across', 'shore', 'shit', 'across', 'floor', 'honorable', 'mention', 'two', 'type', 'people', 'world', 'extrapolate', 'incomplete', 'data', 'type', 'people', 'understand', 'binary', 'difference', 'lobster', 'oriental', 'woman', 'run', 'steamroller', 'one', 'crustacean', 'crushed', 'asian']","['difference', 'sniper', 'bad', 'eyesight', 'constipated', 'owl']","['one', 'shoot', 'ca', 'hit', 'hoot', 'ca', 'sh', 'edit', 'collection', 'spoonerism', 'http', 'reading', 'pleasure', 'stop', 'giving', 'sh', 'fu', 'cussing', 'godd', 'motherfu', 'hooker', 'difference', 'pick', 'pocket', 'peeping', 'tom', 'pick', 'pocket', 'snatch', 'watch', 'difference', 'tribe', 'pygmy', 'warrior', 'girl', 'track', 'team', 'one', 'bunch', 'cunning', 'runt', 'difference', 'girl', 'church', 'girl', 'bath', 'one', 'got', 'hope', 'soul', 'difference', 'circus', 'sorority', 'one', 'cunning', 'array', 'stunt', 'difference', 'prostitute', 'diarrhea', 'oyster', 'epilepsy', 'one', 'shuck', 'fit', 'fuck', 'shit', 'difference', 'lawyer', 'defiant', 'rooster', 'one', 'cluck', 'defiance', 'difference', 'kitten', 'orgasm', 'shish', 'kabob', 'shish', 'kabob', 'skews', 'meat', 'difference', 'cat', 'comma', 'one', 'claw', 'end', 'paw', 'pause', 'end', 'clause', 'difference', 'video', 'game', 'console', 'glue', 'factory', 'one', 'sony', 'playstation', 'pony', 'slaystation', 'difference', 'dirty', 'bus', 'stop', 'lobster', 'breast', 'implant', 'one', 'crusty', 'bus', 'station', 'busty', 'crustacean', 'difference', 'baby', 'choir', 'director', 'one', 'suck', 'finger', 'one', 'fuck', 'singer', 'difference', 'magician', 'wand', 'policeman', 'truncheon', 'magician', 'wand', 'cunning', 'stunt', 'policeman', 'truncheon', 'apprehending', 'criminal', 'difference', 'cyclist', 'psychiatrist', 'ride', 'something', 'held', 'together', 'nut', 'hold', 'nut', 'together', 'take', 'ride', 'difference', 'good', 'vacuum', 'swiss', 'navy', 'one', 'suck', 'suck', 'never', 'fails', 'difference', 'metallica', 'concert', 'mike', 'tyson', 'fight', 'one', 'leaf', 'ring', 'ear', 'leaf', 'ear', 'ring', 'crediting', 'redd', 'foxx', 'http', 'difference', 'goldfish', 'mountain', 'goat', 'goldfish', 'like', 'muck', 'around', 'fountain', 'difference', 'mallard', 'cold', 'one', 'sick', 'duck', 'ca', 'remember', 'end', 'mother', 'whore', 'difference', 'seagull', 'baby', 'diarrhoea', 'one', 'flit', 'across', 'shore', 'shit', 'across', 'floor', 'honorable', 'mention', 'two', 'type', 'people', 'world', 'extrapolate', 'incomplete', 'data', 'type', 'people', 'understand', 'binary', 'difference', 'lobster', 'oriental', 'woman', 'run', 'steamroller', 'one', 'crustacean', 'crushed', 'asian', 'difference', 'sniper', 'bad', 'eyesight', 'constipated', 'owl']",240
"A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”",32s6v8,10872,Difference between I.T and management,"['man', 'flying', 'hot', 'air', 'balloon', 'suddenly', 'realizes', 'lost', 'reduces', 'height', 'spot', 'man', 'lower', 'balloon', 'shout', 'get', 'direction', 'excuse', 'tell', 'man', 'say', 'yes', 'hot', 'air', 'balloon', 'hovering', 'foot', 'must', 'work', 'information', 'technology', 'say', 'balloonist', 'reply', 'man', 'know', 'well', 'say', 'balloonist', 'everything', 'told', 'technically', 'correct', 'use', 'man', 'reply', 'must', 'work', 'reply', 'balloonist', 'know', 'well', 'say', 'man', 'know', 'going', 'expect', 'able', 'help', 'position', 'met', 'fault']","['difference', 'management']","['man', 'flying', 'hot', 'air', 'balloon', 'suddenly', 'realizes', 'lost', 'reduces', 'height', 'spot', 'man', 'lower', 'balloon', 'shout', 'get', 'direction', 'excuse', 'tell', 'man', 'say', 'yes', 'hot', 'air', 'balloon', 'hovering', 'foot', 'must', 'work', 'information', 'technology', 'say', 'balloonist', 'reply', 'man', 'know', 'well', 'say', 'balloonist', 'everything', 'told', 'technically', 'correct', 'use', 'man', 'reply', 'must', 'work', 'reply', 'balloonist', 'know', 'well', 'say', 'man', 'know', 'going', 'expect', 'able', 'help', 'position', 'met', 'fault', 'difference', 'management']",64
"So, they go to a 7-11, buy a sausage and decide to have some fun. They go into the first bar and order a pint each. Just before they're done the pints and haven't paid yet (on a tab I guess), the one guy takes the sausage puts it between his legs, and the other guy bends down and begins to suck on it. Of course, the bartender thinks something else is going on, so he kicks them out, forgetting that they haven't paid yet. 

These two young men end up doing this at around 15 more bars and are totally drunk. The one guy says ""My back is soooo sore from bendin over so much."" 

The second guy then says ""Well you think that's bad? I lost the sausage around 7 bars ago!""",4j9os8,10830,"Two guys wanna go out and get real hammered, but they only have $1","['go', 'buy', 'sausage', 'decide', 'fun', 'go', 'first', 'bar', 'order', 'pint', 'done', 'pint', 'paid', 'yet', 'tab', 'guess', 'one', 'guy', 'take', 'sausage', 'put', 'leg', 'guy', 'bend', 'begin', 'suck', 'course', 'bartender', 'think', 'something', 'else', 'going', 'kick', 'forgetting', 'paid', 'yet', 'two', 'young', 'men', 'end', 'around', 'bar', 'totally', 'drunk', 'one', 'guy', 'say', 'back', 'soooo', 'sore', 'bendin', 'much', 'second', 'guy', 'say', 'well', 'think', 'bad', 'lost', 'sausage', 'around', 'bar', 'ago']","['two', 'guy', 'wan', 'na', 'go', 'get', 'real', 'hammered']","['go', 'buy', 'sausage', 'decide', 'fun', 'go', 'first', 'bar', 'order', 'pint', 'done', 'pint', 'paid', 'yet', 'tab', 'guess', 'one', 'guy', 'take', 'sausage', 'put', 'leg', 'guy', 'bend', 'begin', 'suck', 'course', 'bartender', 'think', 'something', 'else', 'going', 'kick', 'forgetting', 'paid', 'yet', 'two', 'young', 'men', 'end', 'around', 'bar', 'totally', 'drunk', 'one', 'guy', 'say', 'back', 'soooo', 'sore', 'bendin', 'much', 'second', 'guy', 'say', 'well', 'think', 'bad', 'lost', 'sausage', 'around', 'bar', 'ago', 'two', 'guy', 'wan', 'na', 'go', 'get', 'real', 'hammered']",71
"I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.",4xht66,10819,I was offered Sex Today,"['offered', 'sex', 'year', 'old', 'girl', 'today', 'exchange', 'supposed', 'advertise', 'kind', 'bathroom', 'cleaner', 'course', 'declined', 'person', 'high', 'moral', 'standard', 'strong', 'willpower', 'strong', 'ajax', 'super', 'strong', 'bathroom', 'cleaner', 'available', 'scented', 'lemon', 'vanilla']","['offered', 'sex', 'today']","['offered', 'sex', 'year', 'old', 'girl', 'today', 'exchange', 'supposed', 'advertise', 'kind', 'bathroom', 'cleaner', 'course', 'declined', 'person', 'high', 'moral', 'standard', 'strong', 'willpower', 'strong', 'ajax', 'super', 'strong', 'bathroom', 'cleaner', 'available', 'scented', 'lemon', 'vanilla', 'offered', 'sex', 'today']",33
"The first alien says, ""The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.""
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, ""Are they an emerging intelligence?""
The first alien says, ""I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.""

Edit: Well thanks for all the votes and the gold!!!!!!!",33tdch,10803,Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.,"['first', 'alien', 'say', 'dominant', 'life', 'form', 'earth', 'planet', 'developed', 'nuclear', 'weapon', 'second', 'alien', 'look', 'exactly', 'like', 'first', 'asks', 'emerging', 'intelligence', 'first', 'alien', 'say', 'think', 'aimed', 'edit', 'well', 'thanks', 'vote', 'gold']","['space', 'two', 'alien', 'life', 'form', 'speaking']","['first', 'alien', 'say', 'dominant', 'life', 'form', 'earth', 'planet', 'developed', 'nuclear', 'weapon', 'second', 'alien', 'look', 'exactly', 'like', 'first', 'asks', 'emerging', 'intelligence', 'first', 'alien', 'say', 'think', 'aimed', 'edit', 'well', 'thanks', 'vote', 'gold', 'space', 'two', 'alien', 'life', 'form', 'speaking']",36
They're so full of themselves.,53b07y,10764,I hate Russian dolls.,['full'],"['hate', 'russian', 'doll']","['full', 'hate', 'russian', 'doll']",4
"You can hide, but you can't run. ",4nb5ei,10733,"To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket,","['hide', 'ca', 'run']","['guy', 'wheelchair', 'stole', 'camouflage', 'jacket']","['hide', 'ca', 'run', 'guy', 'wheelchair', 'stole', 'camouflage', 'jacket']",8
"... and a well known art critic is in attendance. 

The critic says to the young artist, ""would you like my opinion on your work?"" 

""Yes, "" says the artist. 

""It's worthless,"" says the critic 

The artist replies,  ""I know, but tell me anyway."" 
",3ou7nr,10709,A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...,"['well', 'known', 'art', 'critic', 'attendance', 'critic', 'say', 'young', 'artist', 'would', 'like', 'opinion', 'work', 'yes', 'say', 'artist', 'worthless', 'say', 'critic', 'artist', 'reply', 'know', 'tell', 'anyway']","['young', 'artist', 'exhibit', 'work', 'first', 'time']","['well', 'known', 'art', 'critic', 'attendance', 'critic', 'say', 'young', 'artist', 'would', 'like', 'opinion', 'work', 'yes', 'say', 'artist', 'worthless', 'say', 'critic', 'artist', 'reply', 'know', 'tell', 'anyway', 'young', 'artist', 'exhibit', 'work', 'first', 'time']",30
"A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.",4jwf3y,10697,"What's big, black and loaded with aids?","['new', 'cadillac', 'escalade', 'cruise', 'control', 'lane', 'alert', 'navigation', 'downhill', 'descent', 'control', 'parking', 'assist']","['big', 'black', 'loaded', 'aid']","['new', 'cadillac', 'escalade', 'cruise', 'control', 'lane', 'alert', 'navigation', 'downhill', 'descent', 'control', 'parking', 'assist', 'big', 'black', 'loaded', 'aid']",17
"If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. ",2r9bds,10696,Women and not being attractive,"['dollar', 'every', 'girl', 'found', 'unattractive', 'would', 'eventually', 'find', 'attractive']","['woman', 'attractive']","['dollar', 'every', 'girl', 'found', 'unattractive', 'would', 'eventually', 'find', 'attractive', 'woman', 'attractive']",11
"Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, ""Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."" The man asks, ""Can you unzip my zipper?"" Bob says, ""OK."" 

Then the man says, ""Can you pull it out for me?"" Bob replies, ""Uh, yeah, OK.""

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, ""Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."" Bob says, ""No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, ""I don't know, but I ain't touching it.""",395l7g,10676,2 Guys At A Urinal NSFW,"['bob', 'go', 'public', 'restroom', 'see', 'guy', 'standing', 'next', 'urinal', 'guy', 'arm', 'bob', 'standing', 'taking', 'care', 'business', 'wonder', 'poor', 'wretch', 'going', 'take', 'leak', 'bob', 'finish', 'start', 'leave', 'man', 'asks', 'bob', 'help', 'kind', 'soul', 'bob', 'say', 'ah', 'ok', 'sure', 'help', 'man', 'asks', 'unzip', 'zipper', 'bob', 'say', 'man', 'say', 'pull', 'bob', 'reply', 'uh', 'yeah', 'bob', 'pull', 'kind', 'mold', 'red', 'bump', 'hair', 'clump', 'rash', 'mole', 'scab', 'scar', 'reek', 'something', 'awful', 'guy', 'asks', 'bob', 'point', 'bob', 'point', 'bob', 'shake', 'put', 'back', 'zip', 'guy', 'tell', 'bob', 'thanks', 'man', 'really', 'appreciate', 'bob', 'say', 'problem', 'hell', 'wrong', 'penis', 'guy', 'pull', 'arm', 'shirt', 'say', 'know', 'ai', 'touching']","['guy', 'urinal', 'nsfw']","['bob', 'go', 'public', 'restroom', 'see', 'guy', 'standing', 'next', 'urinal', 'guy', 'arm', 'bob', 'standing', 'taking', 'care', 'business', 'wonder', 'poor', 'wretch', 'going', 'take', 'leak', 'bob', 'finish', 'start', 'leave', 'man', 'asks', 'bob', 'help', 'kind', 'soul', 'bob', 'say', 'ah', 'ok', 'sure', 'help', 'man', 'asks', 'unzip', 'zipper', 'bob', 'say', 'man', 'say', 'pull', 'bob', 'reply', 'uh', 'yeah', 'bob', 'pull', 'kind', 'mold', 'red', 'bump', 'hair', 'clump', 'rash', 'mole', 'scab', 'scar', 'reek', 'something', 'awful', 'guy', 'asks', 'bob', 'point', 'bob', 'point', 'bob', 'shake', 'put', 'back', 'zip', 'guy', 'tell', 'bob', 'thanks', 'man', 'really', 'appreciate', 'bob', 'say', 'problem', 'hell', 'wrong', 'penis', 'guy', 'pull', 'arm', 'shirt', 'say', 'know', 'ai', 'touching', 'guy', 'urinal', 'nsfw']",101
"Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no?
- Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no?
- I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you?
- I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.",2a5d66,10654,"On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:","['oh', 'sarah', 'shop', 'burned', 'right', 'beside', 'sure', 'moshe', 'nazi', 'drove', 'u', 'beloved', 'deutschland', 'beside', 'moshe', 'death', 'bed', 'darling', 'starting', 'think', 'bad', 'luck', 'sarah']","['death', 'bed', 'old', 'jew', 'say', 'wife']","['oh', 'sarah', 'shop', 'burned', 'right', 'beside', 'sure', 'moshe', 'nazi', 'drove', 'u', 'beloved', 'deutschland', 'beside', 'moshe', 'death', 'bed', 'darling', 'starting', 'think', 'bad', 'luck', 'sarah', 'death', 'bed', 'old', 'jew', 'say', 'wife']",29
...because its not a Target.,4rzv9b,10622,Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?,['target'],"['wont', 'isi', 'bomb', 'local', 'walmart']","['target', 'wont', 'isi', 'bomb', 'local', 'walmart']",6
The police told us to stay inside until they shot him,511jsd,10605,There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night,"['police', 'told', 'u', 'stay', 'inside', 'shot']","['blackout', 'neighborhood', 'last', 'night']","['police', 'told', 'u', 'stay', 'inside', 'shot', 'blackout', 'neighborhood', 'last', 'night']",10
" 
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
""That's correct"", said the boss.
Another glass...
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
""Correct.""
A third glass...
""It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. ""It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father.""
",41310j,10598,THE WINE TASTER,"['winery', 'regular', 'taster', 'died', 'director', 'started', 'looking', 'new', 'one', 'hire', 'drunkard', 'ragged', 'dirty', 'look', 'came', 'apply', 'position', 'director', 'winery', 'wondered', 'send', 'away', 'gave', 'glass', 'drink', 'drunk', 'tried', 'said', 'muscat', 'three', 'year', 'old', 'grown', 'north', 'slope', 'matured', 'steel', 'container', 'low', 'grade', 'correct', 'said', 'bos', 'another', 'glass', 'cabernet', 'eight', 'year', 'old', 'slope', 'oak', 'barrel', 'matured', 'degree', 'requires', 'three', 'year', 'finest', 'correct', 'third', 'glass', 'pinot', 'blanc', 'champagne', 'high', 'grade', 'exclusive', 'drunk', 'said', 'calmly', 'director', 'astonished', 'winked', 'secretary', 'secretly', 'suggesting', 'something', 'left', 'room', 'came', 'back', 'glass', 'urine', 'alcoholic', 'tried', 'blonde', 'year', 'old', 'three', 'month', 'pregnant', 'get', 'job', 'name', 'father']","['wine', 'taster']","['winery', 'regular', 'taster', 'died', 'director', 'started', 'looking', 'new', 'one', 'hire', 'drunkard', 'ragged', 'dirty', 'look', 'came', 'apply', 'position', 'director', 'winery', 'wondered', 'send', 'away', 'gave', 'glass', 'drink', 'drunk', 'tried', 'said', 'muscat', 'three', 'year', 'old', 'grown', 'north', 'slope', 'matured', 'steel', 'container', 'low', 'grade', 'correct', 'said', 'bos', 'another', 'glass', 'cabernet', 'eight', 'year', 'old', 'slope', 'oak', 'barrel', 'matured', 'degree', 'requires', 'three', 'year', 'finest', 'correct', 'third', 'glass', 'pinot', 'blanc', 'champagne', 'high', 'grade', 'exclusive', 'drunk', 'said', 'calmly', 'director', 'astonished', 'winked', 'secretary', 'secretly', 'suggesting', 'something', 'left', 'room', 'came', 'back', 'glass', 'urine', 'alcoholic', 'tried', 'blonde', 'year', 'old', 'three', 'month', 'pregnant', 'get', 'job', 'name', 'father', 'wine', 'taster']",97
"An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.


One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, ""Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.""
""What?"" says God. ""An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.""
The Devil responds, ""No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.""
God demands, ""If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!""
The Devil laughs. ""Where are you going to get a lawyer?""",4yuoxi,10572,An engineer goes to hell...,"['engineer', 'dy', 'go', 'hell', 'hot', 'miserable', 'decides', 'take', 'action', 'busted', 'long', 'time', 'fix', 'thing', 'cool', 'quickly', 'moving', 'walkway', 'motor', 'jammed', 'unjams', 'people', 'get', 'place', 'place', 'easily', 'tv', 'grainy', 'unclear', 'fix', 'connection', 'satellite', 'dish', 'get', 'hundred', 'high', 'def', 'channel', 'one', 'day', 'god', 'decides', 'look', 'hell', 'see', 'grand', 'design', 'working', 'notice', 'everyone', 'happy', 'enjoying', 'umbrella', 'drink', 'asks', 'devil', 'devil', 'say', 'thing', 'great', 'since', 'sent', 'u', 'engineer', 'say', 'god', 'engineer', 'send', 'one', 'must', 'mistake', 'send', 'upstairs', 'immediately', 'devil', 'responds', 'way', 'want', 'keep', 'engineer', 'like', 'god', 'demand', 'send', 'immediately', 'sue', 'devil', 'laugh', 'going', 'get', 'lawyer']","['engineer', 'go', 'hell']","['engineer', 'dy', 'go', 'hell', 'hot', 'miserable', 'decides', 'take', 'action', 'busted', 'long', 'time', 'fix', 'thing', 'cool', 'quickly', 'moving', 'walkway', 'motor', 'jammed', 'unjams', 'people', 'get', 'place', 'place', 'easily', 'tv', 'grainy', 'unclear', 'fix', 'connection', 'satellite', 'dish', 'get', 'hundred', 'high', 'def', 'channel', 'one', 'day', 'god', 'decides', 'look', 'hell', 'see', 'grand', 'design', 'working', 'notice', 'everyone', 'happy', 'enjoying', 'umbrella', 'drink', 'asks', 'devil', 'devil', 'say', 'thing', 'great', 'since', 'sent', 'u', 'engineer', 'say', 'god', 'engineer', 'send', 'one', 'must', 'mistake', 'send', 'upstairs', 'immediately', 'devil', 'responds', 'way', 'want', 'keep', 'engineer', 'like', 'god', 'demand', 'send', 'immediately', 'sue', 'devil', 'laugh', 'going', 'get', 'lawyer', 'engineer', 'go', 'hell']",94
"He started counting but fell asleep. 


Edit: WOW my top post is now a bestiality joke. Thanks guys :)",4lyk2f,10565,I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had.,"['started', 'counting', 'fell', 'asleep', 'edit', 'wow', 'top', 'post', 'bestiality', 'joke', 'thanks', 'guy']","['asked', 'scottish', 'friend', 'mine', 'many', 'sexual', 'partner']","['started', 'counting', 'fell', 'asleep', 'edit', 'wow', 'top', 'post', 'bestiality', 'joke', 'thanks', 'guy', 'asked', 'scottish', 'friend', 'mine', 'many', 'sexual', 'partner']",19
"## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!",4tx1a7,10555,People say to me Jesus was not Jewish,"['say', 'ofcourse', 'jewish', 'year', 'old', 'single', 'living', 'home', 'parent', 'working', 'father', 'business', 'mother', 'thought', 'god', 'gift', 'jewish', 'give', 'robin', 'happy', 'birthday', 'robin']","['people', 'say', 'jesus', 'jewish']","['say', 'ofcourse', 'jewish', 'year', 'old', 'single', 'living', 'home', 'parent', 'working', 'father', 'business', 'mother', 'thought', 'god', 'gift', 'jewish', 'give', 'robin', 'happy', 'birthday', 'robin', 'people', 'say', 'jesus', 'jewish']",26
"I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, ""She's beautiful, isn't she?""

I said, ""If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend.""

He said, ""Why? Is she a stunner?""

I said, ""No, she's a fucking optician.""

Edit: apparently people don't like the fuck. Too fucking late.",3s4yie,10542,I bumped into an old school friend today,"['bumped', 'old', 'school', 'friend', 'today', 'started', 'showing', 'talking', 'well', 'paid', 'job', 'expensive', 'sport', 'car', 'pulled', 'photo', 'wife', 'said', 'beautiful', 'said', 'think', 'gorgeous', 'see', 'girlfriend', 'said', 'stunner', 'said', 'fucking', 'optician', 'edit', 'apparently', 'people', 'like', 'fuck', 'fucking', 'late']","['bumped', 'old', 'school', 'friend', 'today']","['bumped', 'old', 'school', 'friend', 'today', 'started', 'showing', 'talking', 'well', 'paid', 'job', 'expensive', 'sport', 'car', 'pulled', 'photo', 'wife', 'said', 'beautiful', 'said', 'think', 'gorgeous', 'see', 'girlfriend', 'said', 'stunner', 'said', 'fucking', 'optician', 'edit', 'apparently', 'people', 'like', 'fuck', 'fucking', 'late', 'bumped', 'old', 'school', 'friend', 'today']",41
Now it's a Ford Focus. ,4lj8lm,10538,I left my adderall in my Ford Fiesta.,"['ford', 'focus']","['left', 'adderall', 'ford', 'fiesta']","['ford', 'focus', 'left', 'adderall', 'ford', 'fiesta']",6
"One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.  
It booms ""You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes.""
The first guy immediately blurts out ""I want a billion dollars."" POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50  
The second man thinks for a bit, then says ""I want to be the richest man alive."" POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.  
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says ""I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."" POOF, his arm starts rotating.  
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.  
First guy says: ""I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."" POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.  
Second guy says ""I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."" POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.  
Third guy says ""I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."" POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.  
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.  
First guy does, and after a while says ""I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."" POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.  
Second guy says ""I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."" POOF, he looks younger already.  
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says ""My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."" POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.  
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.  

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. 
First guy is ecstatic: ""I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."" 
Second guy smiles and says ""Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.""  
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:  

""Guys, I think I fucked up.""",4kq13k,10528,3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp,"['one', 'pick', 'rub', 'pop', 'genie', 'boom', 'finally', 'freed', 'year', 'grant', 'one', 'wish', 'first', 'guy', 'immediately', 'blurts', 'want', 'billion', 'dollar', 'poof', 'holding', 'printout', 'show', 'account', 'balance', 'fact', 'second', 'man', 'think', 'bit', 'say', 'want', 'richest', 'man', 'alive', 'poof', 'holding', 'paper', 'showing', 'net', 'worth', 'well', 'billion', 'third', 'guy', 'think', 'even', 'longer', 'wish', 'say', 'want', 'left', 'arm', 'rotate', 'clockwise', 'rest', 'life', 'poof', 'arm', 'start', 'rotating', 'genie', 'tell', 'time', 'second', 'wish', 'first', 'guy', 'say', 'want', 'married', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'earth', 'poof', 'stunning', 'beauty', 'wrap', 'around', 'arm', 'second', 'guy', 'say', 'want', 'charismatic', 'every', 'girl', 'want', 'poof', 'look', 'change', 'first', 'guy', 'wife', 'immediately', 'start', 'flirting', 'third', 'guy', 'say', 'want', 'right', 'arm', 'rotate', 'die', 'poof', 'arm', 'rotating', 'opposite', 'direction', 'genie', 'tell', 'think', 'carefully', 'third', 'wish', 'first', 'guy', 'say', 'never', 'want', 'become', 'sick', 'injured', 'want', 'stay', 'healthy', 'die', 'poof', 'complexion', 'improves', 'acne', 'gone', 'knee', 'bother', 'second', 'guy', 'say', 'never', 'want', 'grow', 'old', 'want', 'stay', 'forever', 'poof', 'look', 'younger', 'already', 'third', 'guy', 'smile', 'triumphantly', 'say', 'last', 'wish', 'head', 'nod', 'back', 'forth', 'poof', 'nodding', 'head', 'still', 'flailing', 'arm', 'around', 'genie', 'wish', 'good', 'luck', 'disappears', 'men', 'soon', 'go', 'separate', 'way', 'many', 'year', 'later', 'meet', 'chat', 'thing', 'going', 'first', 'guy', 'ecstatic', 'invested', 'money', 'multiplied', 'many', 'time', 'family', 'among', 'richest', 'rich', 'pretty', 'much', 'forever', 'wife', 'freak', 'sheet', 'never', 'gotten', 'much', 'cold', 'year', 'second', 'guy', 'smile', 'say', 'well', 'built', 'charity', 'worldwide', 'fraction', 'wealth', 'still', 'richest', 'guy', 'alive', 'also', 'revered', 'good', 'deed', 'aged', 'day', 'since', 'last', 'met', 'yes', 'wife', 'pretty', 'wild', 'bed', 'third', 'guy', 'walk', 'flailing', 'arm', 'around', 'nodding', 'head', 'say', 'guy', 'think', 'fucked']","['guy', 'hiking', 'wood', 'find', 'lamp']","['one', 'pick', 'rub', 'pop', 'genie', 'boom', 'finally', 'freed', 'year', 'grant', 'one', 'wish', 'first', 'guy', 'immediately', 'blurts', 'want', 'billion', 'dollar', 'poof', 'holding', 'printout', 'show', 'account', 'balance', 'fact', 'second', 'man', 'think', 'bit', 'say', 'want', 'richest', 'man', 'alive', 'poof', 'holding', 'paper', 'showing', 'net', 'worth', 'well', 'billion', 'third', 'guy', 'think', 'even', 'longer', 'wish', 'say', 'want', 'left', 'arm', 'rotate', 'clockwise', 'rest', 'life', 'poof', 'arm', 'start', 'rotating', 'genie', 'tell', 'time', 'second', 'wish', 'first', 'guy', 'say', 'want', 'married', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'earth', 'poof', 'stunning', 'beauty', 'wrap', 'around', 'arm', 'second', 'guy', 'say', 'want', 'charismatic', 'every', 'girl', 'want', 'poof', 'look', 'change', 'first', 'guy', 'wife', 'immediately', 'start', 'flirting', 'third', 'guy', 'say', 'want', 'right', 'arm', 'rotate', 'die', 'poof', 'arm', 'rotating', 'opposite', 'direction', 'genie', 'tell', 'think', 'carefully', 'third', 'wish', 'first', 'guy', 'say', 'never', 'want', 'become', 'sick', 'injured', 'want', 'stay', 'healthy', 'die', 'poof', 'complexion', 'improves', 'acne', 'gone', 'knee', 'bother', 'second', 'guy', 'say', 'never', 'want', 'grow', 'old', 'want', 'stay', 'forever', 'poof', 'look', 'younger', 'already', 'third', 'guy', 'smile', 'triumphantly', 'say', 'last', 'wish', 'head', 'nod', 'back', 'forth', 'poof', 'nodding', 'head', 'still', 'flailing', 'arm', 'around', 'genie', 'wish', 'good', 'luck', 'disappears', 'men', 'soon', 'go', 'separate', 'way', 'many', 'year', 'later', 'meet', 'chat', 'thing', 'going', 'first', 'guy', 'ecstatic', 'invested', 'money', 'multiplied', 'many', 'time', 'family', 'among', 'richest', 'rich', 'pretty', 'much', 'forever', 'wife', 'freak', 'sheet', 'never', 'gotten', 'much', 'cold', 'year', 'second', 'guy', 'smile', 'say', 'well', 'built', 'charity', 'worldwide', 'fraction', 'wealth', 'still', 'richest', 'guy', 'alive', 'also', 'revered', 'good', 'deed', 'aged', 'day', 'since', 'last', 'met', 'yes', 'wife', 'pretty', 'wild', 'bed', 'third', 'guy', 'walk', 'flailing', 'arm', 'around', 'nodding', 'head', 'say', 'guy', 'think', 'fucked', 'guy', 'hiking', 'wood', 'find', 'lamp']",252
"They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him ""Do you know how fast you were going?""

""No, but I know exactly where I am"" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says ""You were doing 55 in a 35."" Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts ""Great! Now I'm lost!""

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says ""Do you know you have a dead cat back here?""

""We do now, asshole!"" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.",2tm2ub,10505,"Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car","['get', 'pulled', 'heisenberg', 'driving', 'cop', 'asks', 'know', 'fast', 'going', 'know', 'exactly', 'heisenberg', 'reply', 'cop', 'say', 'heisenberg', 'throw', 'hand', 'shout', 'great', 'lost', 'cop', 'think', 'suspicious', 'order', 'pop', 'open', 'trunk', 'check', 'say', 'know', 'dead', 'cat', 'back', 'asshole', 'shout', 'schrodinger', 'cop', 'move', 'arrest', 'ohm', 'resists']","['heisenberg', 'schrodinger', 'ohm', 'car']","['get', 'pulled', 'heisenberg', 'driving', 'cop', 'asks', 'know', 'fast', 'going', 'know', 'exactly', 'heisenberg', 'reply', 'cop', 'say', 'heisenberg', 'throw', 'hand', 'shout', 'great', 'lost', 'cop', 'think', 'suspicious', 'order', 'pop', 'open', 'trunk', 'check', 'say', 'know', 'dead', 'cat', 'back', 'asshole', 'shout', 'schrodinger', 'cop', 'move', 'arrest', 'ohm', 'resists', 'heisenberg', 'schrodinger', 'ohm', 'car']",46
"Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. 

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: ""Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially if you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite!""

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: ""Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"" ",43p3ts,10498,Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome,"['two', 'beggar', 'sitting', 'side', 'side', 'street', 'rome', 'one', 'cross', 'front', 'star', 'david', 'many', 'people', 'go', 'put', 'money', 'hat', 'beggar', 'sitting', 'behind', 'cross', 'priest', 'come', 'stop', 'watch', 'throng', 'people', 'giving', 'money', 'beggar', 'sitting', 'behind', 'cross', 'none', 'give', 'beggar', 'sitting', 'behind', 'star', 'david', 'finally', 'priest', 'go', 'beggar', 'behind', 'star', 'david', 'say', 'understand', 'catholic', 'country', 'people', 'going', 'give', 'money', 'sit', 'star', 'david', 'front', 'especially', 'sitting', 'beside', 'beggar', 'cross', 'fact', 'would', 'probably', 'give', 'spite', 'beggar', 'behind', 'star', 'david', 'listened', 'priest', 'turned', 'beggar', 'cross', 'said', 'moshe', 'look', 'trying', 'teach', 'goldstein', 'brother', 'marketing']","['two', 'beggar', 'sitting', 'side', 'side', 'street', 'rome']","['two', 'beggar', 'sitting', 'side', 'side', 'street', 'rome', 'one', 'cross', 'front', 'star', 'david', 'many', 'people', 'go', 'put', 'money', 'hat', 'beggar', 'sitting', 'behind', 'cross', 'priest', 'come', 'stop', 'watch', 'throng', 'people', 'giving', 'money', 'beggar', 'sitting', 'behind', 'cross', 'none', 'give', 'beggar', 'sitting', 'behind', 'star', 'david', 'finally', 'priest', 'go', 'beggar', 'behind', 'star', 'david', 'say', 'understand', 'catholic', 'country', 'people', 'going', 'give', 'money', 'sit', 'star', 'david', 'front', 'especially', 'sitting', 'beside', 'beggar', 'cross', 'fact', 'would', 'probably', 'give', 'spite', 'beggar', 'behind', 'star', 'david', 'listened', 'priest', 'turned', 'beggar', 'cross', 'said', 'moshe', 'look', 'trying', 'teach', 'goldstein', 'brother', 'marketing', 'two', 'beggar', 'sitting', 'side', 'side', 'street', 'rome']",94
"She will kill me if she finds out. 

Edit: Holy poop, front page of reddit mum get the camera ",49in74,10498,My girlfriend is a pornstar,"['kill', 'find', 'edit', 'holy', 'poop', 'front', 'page', 'reddit', 'mum', 'get', 'camera']","['girlfriend', 'pornstar']","['kill', 'find', 'edit', 'holy', 'poop', 'front', 'page', 'reddit', 'mum', 'get', 'camera', 'girlfriend', 'pornstar']",13
"His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

Edit:  Thanks for all the upvotes.  My Dad used to tell this joke when I was a kid.  Wasn't trying to claim it was original.  I'm happy everyone got a good laugh.",3m2m1g,10483,Why was the little ink drop crying?,"['mother', 'pen', 'know', 'long', 'sentence', 'would', 'edit', 'thanks', 'upvotes', 'dad', 'used', 'tell', 'joke', 'kid', 'trying', 'claim', 'original', 'happy', 'everyone', 'got', 'good', 'laugh']","['little', 'ink', 'drop', 'cry']","['mother', 'pen', 'know', 'long', 'sentence', 'would', 'edit', 'thanks', 'upvotes', 'dad', 'used', 'tell', 'joke', 'kid', 'trying', 'claim', 'original', 'happy', 'everyone', 'got', 'good', 'laugh', 'little', 'ink', 'drop', 'cry']",26
"The police told us to stay in our houses until they'd shot him


Edit: I am not black, nor am i a racist! My aim was to get to the front page and i BOOYAA Mission accomplished.",45b019,10445,There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night.,"['police', 'told', 'u', 'stay', 'house', 'shot', 'edit', 'black', 'racist', 'aim', 'get', 'front', 'page', 'booyaa', 'mission', 'accomplished']","['blackout', 'neighborhood', 'last', 'night']","['police', 'told', 'u', 'stay', 'house', 'shot', 'edit', 'black', 'racist', 'aim', 'get', 'front', 'page', 'booyaa', 'mission', 'accomplished', 'blackout', 'neighborhood', 'last', 'night']",20
You know he's guilty.,3ro9qg,10436,Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?,"['know', 'guilty']","['white', 'guy', 'scariest', 'guy', 'prison']","['know', 'guilty', 'white', 'guy', 'scariest', 'guy', 'prison']",7
"A dying grandma tells her grandchild, ""I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."" The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, ""Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, ""Facebook..."" 

",4o2nbm,10424,A dying grandma tells her grandchild....,"['dying', 'grandma', 'tell', 'grandchild', 'want', 'leave', 'farm', 'includes', 'barn', 'livestock', 'harvest', 'tractor', 'equipment', 'farmhouse', 'cash', 'grandchild', 'absolutely', 'floored', 'become', 'rich', 'say', 'oh', 'grandma', 'generous', 'even', 'know', 'farm', 'last', 'breath', 'grandma', 'whispered', 'facebook']","['dying', 'grandma', 'tell', 'grandchild']","['dying', 'grandma', 'tell', 'grandchild', 'want', 'leave', 'farm', 'includes', 'barn', 'livestock', 'harvest', 'tractor', 'equipment', 'farmhouse', 'cash', 'grandchild', 'absolutely', 'floored', 'become', 'rich', 'say', 'oh', 'grandma', 'generous', 'even', 'know', 'farm', 'last', 'breath', 'grandma', 'whispered', 'facebook', 'dying', 'grandma', 'tell', 'grandchild']",36
"A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man ""This is a silent order.  You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years.""

The man says ""Ok"" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man ""It has been fifteen years.  What would you like to say brother?"".

The man responds, ""The porridge could do with a little more sugar.""  The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.

Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says ""Brother, it has been another 15 years.  What is it that you wish to say?"".

""The bed sheets are a bit thin.""  Replies the man.  Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.

Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks ""15 years have passed.  Have you anything to say?"".

""Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order.  It's not really for me."" says the man.

""Yes, yes"" sighs the head monk ""I think that's for the best.  You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here.""",45ww9i,10417,A man joins an order of Monks.,"['man', 'go', 'join', 'order', 'monk', 'head', 'monk', 'say', 'man', 'silent', 'order', 'allowed', 'speak', 'every', 'year', 'man', 'say', 'ok', 'begin', 'time', 'silent', 'order', 'year', 'pas', 'man', 'sitting', 'refectory', 'head', 'monk', 'approach', 'say', 'man', 'fifteen', 'year', 'would', 'like', 'say', 'brother', 'man', 'responds', 'porridge', 'could', 'little', 'sugar', 'head', 'monk', 'nod', 'acknowledgement', 'walk', 'away', 'another', 'year', 'pas', 'head', 'monk', 'find', 'man', 'dormitory', 'say', 'brother', 'another', 'year', 'wish', 'say', 'bed', 'sheet', 'bit', 'thin', 'reply', 'man', 'head', 'monk', 'nod', 'acknowledgement', 'yet', 'another', 'year', 'pas', 'head', 'monk', 'see', 'man', 'asks', 'year', 'passed', 'anything', 'say', 'well', 'actually', 'thinking', 'leaving', 'order', 'really', 'say', 'man', 'yes', 'yes', 'sigh', 'head', 'monk', 'think', 'best', 'done', 'nothing', 'fucking', 'complain', 'since', 'got']","['man', 'join', 'order', 'monk']","['man', 'go', 'join', 'order', 'monk', 'head', 'monk', 'say', 'man', 'silent', 'order', 'allowed', 'speak', 'every', 'year', 'man', 'say', 'ok', 'begin', 'time', 'silent', 'order', 'year', 'pas', 'man', 'sitting', 'refectory', 'head', 'monk', 'approach', 'say', 'man', 'fifteen', 'year', 'would', 'like', 'say', 'brother', 'man', 'responds', 'porridge', 'could', 'little', 'sugar', 'head', 'monk', 'nod', 'acknowledgement', 'walk', 'away', 'another', 'year', 'pas', 'head', 'monk', 'find', 'man', 'dormitory', 'say', 'brother', 'another', 'year', 'wish', 'say', 'bed', 'sheet', 'bit', 'thin', 'reply', 'man', 'head', 'monk', 'nod', 'acknowledgement', 'yet', 'another', 'year', 'pas', 'head', 'monk', 'see', 'man', 'asks', 'year', 'passed', 'anything', 'say', 'well', 'actually', 'thinking', 'leaving', 'order', 'really', 'say', 'man', 'yes', 'yes', 'sigh', 'head', 'monk', 'think', 'best', 'done', 'nothing', 'fucking', 'complain', 'since', 'got', 'man', 'join', 'order', 'monk']",112
Or just mine ?,4t92tm,10406,Is it all black people that have a problem with slavery?,['mine'],"['black', 'people', 'problem', 'slavery']","['mine', 'black', 'people', 'problem', 'slavery']",5
"just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.",4s2iu7,10398,If you ever feel lonely...,"['dim', 'light', 'put', 'couple', 'horror', 'movie', 'wo', 'feel', 'like', 'alone', 'anymore']","['ever', 'feel', 'lonely']","['dim', 'light', 'put', 'couple', 'horror', 'movie', 'wo', 'feel', 'like', 'alone', 'anymore', 'ever', 'feel', 'lonely']",14
Without other people's dicks in it.,4lsyl9,10362,I broke up with my girlfriend because I like my women like I like my coffee,"['without', 'people', 'dick']","['broke', 'girlfriend', 'like', 'woman', 'like', 'like', 'coffee']","['without', 'people', 'dick', 'broke', 'girlfriend', 'like', 'woman', 'like', 'like', 'coffee']",10
"""What the hell are you supposed to be, then?"" the host asks.

""I'm a turtle,"" the man replies.

""What a pile of shite!"" the host replies. ""How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?""

""Oh her?"" the man smiles. ""That's just Michelle!""",40yg5v,10340,A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.,"['hell', 'supposed', 'host', 'asks', 'turtle', 'man', 'reply', 'pile', 'shite', 'host', 'reply', 'turtle', 'got', 'naked', 'woman', 'back', 'oh', 'man', 'smile', 'michelle']","['man', 'go', 'costume', 'party', 'nothing', 'naked', 'woman', 'back']","['hell', 'supposed', 'host', 'asks', 'turtle', 'man', 'reply', 'pile', 'shite', 'host', 'reply', 'turtle', 'got', 'naked', 'woman', 'back', 'oh', 'man', 'smile', 'michelle', 'man', 'go', 'costume', 'party', 'nothing', 'naked', 'woman', 'back']",28
"A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:


""Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?""


Michael said: ""Just a minute I have to go pee.""


The teacher responded by saying: ""That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?""


Sherman said: ""I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.""


""That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?""


Johnny said: ""I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.""",2li6dh,10328,"While teaching a class,","['teacher', 'trying', 'teach', 'good', 'manner', 'asked', 'student', 'following', 'question', 'michael', 'date', 'dinner', 'nice', 'young', 'lady', 'would', 'tell', 'go', 'bathroom', 'michael', 'said', 'minute', 'go', 'pee', 'teacher', 'responded', 'saying', 'would', 'rude', 'impolite', 'sherman', 'would', 'say', 'sherman', 'said', 'sorry', 'really', 'need', 'go', 'bathroom', 'right', 'back', 'better', 'still', 'nice', 'say', 'word', 'bathroom', 'dinner', 'table', 'little', 'johnny', 'use', 'brain', 'show', 'u', 'good', 'manner', 'johnny', 'said', 'would', 'say', 'darling', 'may', 'please', 'excused', 'moment', 'shake', 'hand', 'dear', 'friend', 'mine', 'hope', 'introduce', 'dinner']","['teaching', 'class']","['teacher', 'trying', 'teach', 'good', 'manner', 'asked', 'student', 'following', 'question', 'michael', 'date', 'dinner', 'nice', 'young', 'lady', 'would', 'tell', 'go', 'bathroom', 'michael', 'said', 'minute', 'go', 'pee', 'teacher', 'responded', 'saying', 'would', 'rude', 'impolite', 'sherman', 'would', 'say', 'sherman', 'said', 'sorry', 'really', 'need', 'go', 'bathroom', 'right', 'back', 'better', 'still', 'nice', 'say', 'word', 'bathroom', 'dinner', 'table', 'little', 'johnny', 'use', 'brain', 'show', 'u', 'good', 'manner', 'johnny', 'said', 'would', 'say', 'darling', 'may', 'please', 'excused', 'moment', 'shake', 'hand', 'dear', 'friend', 'mine', 'hope', 'introduce', 'dinner', 'teaching', 'class']",77
"At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. 

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. 

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. ""All this was just too wonderful for words,"" he said, ""But what's the dollar for?"" 
""Well,"" she said, ""Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.""",3hkcu5,10322,"It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.","['second', 'house', 'presented', 'box', 'fine', 'cigar', 'folk', 'third', 'house', 'handed', 'selection', 'terrific', 'fishing', 'lure', 'fourth', 'house', 'met', 'door', 'strikingly', 'beautiful', 'blonde', 'woman', 'revealing', 'negligee', 'took', 'hand', 'gently', 'led', 'door', 'closed', 'behind', 'took', 'stair', 'bedroom', 'blew', 'mind', 'passionate', 'love', 'ever', 'experienced', 'enough', 'went', 'downstairs', 'fixed', 'giant', 'breakfast', 'egg', 'potato', 'ham', 'sausage', 'blueberry', 'waffle', 'orange', 'juice', 'truly', 'satisfied', 'poured', 'cup', 'steaming', 'coffee', 'pouring', 'noticed', 'dollar', 'bill', 'sticking', 'cup', 'bottom', 'edge', 'wonderful', 'word', 'said', 'dollar', 'well', 'said', 'last', 'night', 'told', 'husband', 'today', 'would', 'last', 'day', 'something', 'special', 'asked', 'give', 'said', 'give', 'dollar', 'breakfast', 'idea']","['george', 'mailman', 'last', 'day', 'job', 'year', 'carrying', 'mail', 'kind', 'weather', 'neighborhood', 'arrived', 'first', 'house', 'route', 'greeted', 'whole', 'family', 'congratulated', 'sent', 'way', 'tidy', 'gift', 'envelope']","['second', 'house', 'presented', 'box', 'fine', 'cigar', 'folk', 'third', 'house', 'handed', 'selection', 'terrific', 'fishing', 'lure', 'fourth', 'house', 'met', 'door', 'strikingly', 'beautiful', 'blonde', 'woman', 'revealing', 'negligee', 'took', 'hand', 'gently', 'led', 'door', 'closed', 'behind', 'took', 'stair', 'bedroom', 'blew', 'mind', 'passionate', 'love', 'ever', 'experienced', 'enough', 'went', 'downstairs', 'fixed', 'giant', 'breakfast', 'egg', 'potato', 'ham', 'sausage', 'blueberry', 'waffle', 'orange', 'juice', 'truly', 'satisfied', 'poured', 'cup', 'steaming', 'coffee', 'pouring', 'noticed', 'dollar', 'bill', 'sticking', 'cup', 'bottom', 'edge', 'wonderful', 'word', 'said', 'dollar', 'well', 'said', 'last', 'night', 'told', 'husband', 'today', 'would', 'last', 'day', 'something', 'special', 'asked', 'give', 'said', 'give', 'dollar', 'breakfast', 'idea', 'george', 'mailman', 'last', 'day', 'job', 'year', 'carrying', 'mail', 'kind', 'weather', 'neighborhood', 'arrived', 'first', 'house', 'route', 'greeted', 'whole', 'family', 'congratulated', 'sent', 'way', 'tidy', 'gift', 'envelope']",115
"I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is ""conjoined twins"".",3je9b2,10278,Hipsters,"['joy', 'meeting', 'couple', 'hipster', 'today', 'yelled', 'making', 'fun', 'apparently', 'politically', 'correct', 'term', 'conjoined', 'twin']",['hipster'],"['joy', 'meeting', 'couple', 'hipster', 'today', 'yelled', 'making', 'fun', 'apparently', 'politically', 'correct', 'term', 'conjoined', 'twin', 'hipster']",15
"He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
 ""This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."" 

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again. 

 


""Can't you play the bagpipes?"" asked the man. ""Play it?"" said the octopus, ""I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.""",4qdqvx,10258,A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm,"['set', 'octopus', 'stool', 'next', 'announces', 'amazing', 'octopus', 'bet', 'anyone', 'bar', 'octopus', 'play', 'instrument', 'set', 'front', 'nbsp', 'none', 'people', 'could', 'believe', 'one', 'guy', 'brought', 'guitar', 'octopus', 'took', 'hold', 'guitar', 'started', 'picking', 'away', 'better', 'jimi', 'hendrix', 'man', 'took', 'guitarist', 'next', 'someone', 'brings', 'trumpet', 'octopus', 'started', 'playing', 'trumpet', 'better', 'herb', 'alpert', 'man', 'another', 'trumpeter', 'guy', 'brought', 'bagpipe', 'octopus', 'picked', 'bagpipe', 'minute', 'looking', 'little', 'puzzled', 'set', 'nbsp', 'ca', 'play', 'bagpipe', 'asked', 'man', 'play', 'said', 'octopus', 'gon', 'na', 'screw', 'soon', 'figure', 'get', 'pajama']","['guy', 'walk', 'bar', 'octopus', 'arm']","['set', 'octopus', 'stool', 'next', 'announces', 'amazing', 'octopus', 'bet', 'anyone', 'bar', 'octopus', 'play', 'instrument', 'set', 'front', 'nbsp', 'none', 'people', 'could', 'believe', 'one', 'guy', 'brought', 'guitar', 'octopus', 'took', 'hold', 'guitar', 'started', 'picking', 'away', 'better', 'jimi', 'hendrix', 'man', 'took', 'guitarist', 'next', 'someone', 'brings', 'trumpet', 'octopus', 'started', 'playing', 'trumpet', 'better', 'herb', 'alpert', 'man', 'another', 'trumpeter', 'guy', 'brought', 'bagpipe', 'octopus', 'picked', 'bagpipe', 'minute', 'looking', 'little', 'puzzled', 'set', 'nbsp', 'ca', 'play', 'bagpipe', 'asked', 'man', 'play', 'said', 'octopus', 'gon', 'na', 'screw', 'soon', 'figure', 'get', 'pajama', 'guy', 'walk', 'bar', 'octopus', 'arm']",83
I'll let you know,2moy4x,10248,I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.,"['let', 'know']","['ordered', 'chicken', 'egg', 'amazon']","['let', 'know', 'ordered', 'chicken', 'egg', 'amazon']",6
"She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.",3k259l,10215,"I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed","['hung', 'told', 'worry', 'told', 'gon', 'na', 'late', 'drinking']","['sex', 'friend', 'wife', 'phone', 'rang', 'heard', 'husband', 'freaked', 'started', 'getting', 'dressed']","['hung', 'told', 'worry', 'told', 'gon', 'na', 'late', 'drinking', 'sex', 'friend', 'wife', 'phone', 'rang', 'heard', 'husband', 'freaked', 'started', 'getting', 'dressed']",19
"
Well she’s in for a shock.
",4gk79i,10213,My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.,"['well', 'shock']","['girlfriend', 'say', 'hopeless', 'fixing', 'appliance']","['well', 'shock', 'girlfriend', 'say', 'hopeless', 'fixing', 'appliance']",7
"her mom says ""A WHAT""?!!   The daughter says ""a prostitute"" then the mom says ""thank god... I thought you said a Protestant""",4dbwpx,10204,An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.,"['mom', 'say', 'daughter', 'say', 'prostitute', 'mom', 'say', 'thank', 'god', 'thought', 'said', 'protestant']","['irish', 'girl', 'tell', 'mom', 'decided', 'prostitute']","['mom', 'say', 'daughter', 'say', 'prostitute', 'mom', 'say', 'thank', 'god', 'thought', 'said', 'protestant', 'irish', 'girl', 'tell', 'mom', 'decided', 'prostitute']",18
"Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)



EDIT: Wow guys I didn't think you would like this joke that much. This was something I read on a book like 6 years ago. Thanks! ",2h1sfp,10194,What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...,"['knee', 'sure', 'one', 'translates', 'well', 'english', 'edit', 'wow', 'guy', 'think', 'would', 'like', 'joke', 'much', 'something', 'read', 'book', 'like', 'year', 'ago', 'thanks']","['woman', 'put', 'ear', 'look', 'attractive']","['knee', 'sure', 'one', 'translates', 'well', 'english', 'edit', 'wow', 'guy', 'think', 'would', 'like', 'joke', 'much', 'something', 'read', 'book', 'like', 'year', 'ago', 'thanks', 'woman', 'put', 'ear', 'look', 'attractive']",26
"When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says ""If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!"".

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St Peter calls after them. ""AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!""",4h8w0z,10175,10 Catholic priest all die in a bus accident,"['arrive', 'pearly', 'gate', 'st', 'peter', 'acknowledges', 'see', 'priest', 'immediately', 'say', 'pedophile', 'point', 'waiting', 'might', 'well', 'fuck', 'straight', 'hell', 'right', 'priest', 'turn', 'around', 'begin', 'walk', 'away', 'st', 'peter', 'call', 'take', 'deaf', 'bastard']","['catholic', 'priest', 'die', 'bus', 'accident']","['arrive', 'pearly', 'gate', 'st', 'peter', 'acknowledges', 'see', 'priest', 'immediately', 'say', 'pedophile', 'point', 'waiting', 'might', 'well', 'fuck', 'straight', 'hell', 'right', 'priest', 'turn', 'around', 'begin', 'walk', 'away', 'st', 'peter', 'call', 'take', 'deaf', 'bastard', 'catholic', 'priest', 'die', 'bus', 'accident']",36
"... the woman asks the man, ""How would you like to get out of here?"" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says ""I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service."" The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies ""I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."" ",3j91xl,10148,An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...,"['woman', 'asks', 'man', 'would', 'like', 'get', 'man', 'stunned', 'never', 'thought', 'woman', 'like', 'would', 'ever', 'approach', 'agrees', 'get', 'car', 'drive', 'really', 'far', 'stop', 'cliff', 'view', 'whole', 'city', 'within', 'second', 'start', 'taking', 'clothes', 'minute', 'vigorous', 'sex', 'finally', 'finish', 'put', 'clothes', 'sit', 'awkwardly', 'woman', 'speaks', 'say', 'prostitute', 'going', 'dollar', 'service', 'man', 'stunned', 'saddened', 'really', 'like', 'give', 'money', 'sit', 'awkwardly', 'woman', 'tell', 'ready', 'leave', 'man', 'reply', 'taxi', 'driver', 'going', 'dollar', 'ride', 'back']","['ugly', 'man', 'walk', 'bar', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'approach']","['woman', 'asks', 'man', 'would', 'like', 'get', 'man', 'stunned', 'never', 'thought', 'woman', 'like', 'would', 'ever', 'approach', 'agrees', 'get', 'car', 'drive', 'really', 'far', 'stop', 'cliff', 'view', 'whole', 'city', 'within', 'second', 'start', 'taking', 'clothes', 'minute', 'vigorous', 'sex', 'finally', 'finish', 'put', 'clothes', 'sit', 'awkwardly', 'woman', 'speaks', 'say', 'prostitute', 'going', 'dollar', 'service', 'man', 'stunned', 'saddened', 'really', 'like', 'give', 'money', 'sit', 'awkwardly', 'woman', 'tell', 'ready', 'leave', 'man', 'reply', 'taxi', 'driver', 'going', 'dollar', 'ride', 'back', 'ugly', 'man', 'walk', 'bar', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'approach']",75
"""Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!""
     Hillary replied, ""I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!""
     

So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!",4mtg8l,10134,"The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Hillary and said,","['know', 'one', 'little', 'wave', 'hand', 'make', 'every', 'person', 'crowd', 'go', 'wild', 'joy', 'joy', 'momentary', 'display', 'go', 'deep', 'heart', 'forever', 'speak', 'day', 'rejoice', 'hillary', 'replied', 'seriously', 'doubt', 'one', 'little', 'wave', 'hand', 'show', 'pope', 'backhanded', 'knocked', 'stage']","['pope', 'hillary', 'stage', 'yankee', 'stadium', 'front', 'huge', 'crowd', 'pope', 'lean', 'towards', 'hillary', 'said']","['know', 'one', 'little', 'wave', 'hand', 'make', 'every', 'person', 'crowd', 'go', 'wild', 'joy', 'joy', 'momentary', 'display', 'go', 'deep', 'heart', 'forever', 'speak', 'day', 'rejoice', 'hillary', 'replied', 'seriously', 'doubt', 'one', 'little', 'wave', 'hand', 'show', 'pope', 'backhanded', 'knocked', 'stage', 'pope', 'hillary', 'stage', 'yankee', 'stadium', 'front', 'huge', 'crowd', 'pope', 'lean', 'towards', 'hillary', 'said']",48
"“What did the ant say to the other ant?”  
“I dunno, what?”  
“Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.”   
“Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.”  
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”  ",4e4p20,10122,My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:,"['ant', 'say', 'ant', 'dunno', 'nothing', 'ant', 'communicate', 'using', 'pheromone', 'yeah', 'really', 'joke', 'quiet', 'moment', 'looked', 'ground', 'joke', 'asshole']","['eight', 'year', 'old', 'nephew', 'said', 'joke']","['ant', 'say', 'ant', 'dunno', 'nothing', 'ant', 'communicate', 'using', 'pheromone', 'yeah', 'really', 'joke', 'quiet', 'moment', 'looked', 'ground', 'joke', 'asshole', 'eight', 'year', 'old', 'nephew', 'said', 'joke']",24
"The doctor asked, ""What can I do for you?""

The man said, ""Will you watch us have sex?""

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, ""There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex,"" and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, ""Just exactly what are you trying to find out?""

""We're not trying to find out anything,"" the husband replied.
""She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.",424sv3,10100,"A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.","['doctor', 'asked', 'man', 'said', 'watch', 'u', 'sex', 'doctor', 'looked', 'puzzled', 'agreed', 'couple', 'finished', 'doctor', 'said', 'nothing', 'wrong', 'way', 'sex', 'charged', 'happened', 'several', 'week', 'row', 'couple', 'would', 'make', 'appointment', 'sex', 'problem', 'pay', 'doctor', 'leave', 'finally', 'doctor', 'asked', 'exactly', 'trying', 'find', 'trying', 'find', 'anything', 'husband', 'replied', 'married', 'ca', 'go', 'house', 'married', 'ca', 'go', 'house', 'holiday', 'inn', 'charge', 'hilton', 'charge', 'get', 'back', 'medicare']","['couple', 'age', 'went', 'sex', 'therapist', 'office']","['doctor', 'asked', 'man', 'said', 'watch', 'u', 'sex', 'doctor', 'looked', 'puzzled', 'agreed', 'couple', 'finished', 'doctor', 'said', 'nothing', 'wrong', 'way', 'sex', 'charged', 'happened', 'several', 'week', 'row', 'couple', 'would', 'make', 'appointment', 'sex', 'problem', 'pay', 'doctor', 'leave', 'finally', 'doctor', 'asked', 'exactly', 'trying', 'find', 'trying', 'find', 'anything', 'husband', 'replied', 'married', 'ca', 'go', 'house', 'married', 'ca', 'go', 'house', 'holiday', 'inn', 'charge', 'hilton', 'charge', 'get', 'back', 'medicare', 'couple', 'age', 'went', 'sex', 'therapist', 'office']",66
It's not my fault they don't have Windows,4f1jfi,10090,I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed,"['fault', 'window']","['farted', 'apple', 'store', 'everybody', 'got', 'pissed']","['fault', 'window', 'farted', 'apple', 'store', 'everybody', 'got', 'pissed']",8
"

It could happen.",4asj1j,10080,An Irish guy walks out of a bar....,"['could', 'happen']","['irish', 'guy', 'walk', 'bar']","['could', 'happen', 'irish', 'guy', 'walk', 'bar']",6
"A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am""~~ ""I think not!"" POOF! The horse disappears. 

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.",2yteoa,10067,"The driest, most esoteric joke I know.","['horse', 'walk', 'bar', 'bartender', 'asks', 'horse', 'alcoholic', 'considering', 'bar', 'frequents', 'horse', 'reply', 'think', 'think', 'poof', 'horse', 'disappears', 'point', 'time', 'philosophy', 'student', 'audience', 'begin', 'giggle', 'familiar', 'philosophical', 'proposition', 'cogito', 'ergo', 'sum', 'think', 'therefore', 'explain', 'concept', 'aforehand', 'would', 'putting', 'descartes', 'horse']","['driest', 'esoteric', 'joke', 'know']","['horse', 'walk', 'bar', 'bartender', 'asks', 'horse', 'alcoholic', 'considering', 'bar', 'frequents', 'horse', 'reply', 'think', 'think', 'poof', 'horse', 'disappears', 'point', 'time', 'philosophy', 'student', 'audience', 'begin', 'giggle', 'familiar', 'philosophical', 'proposition', 'cogito', 'ergo', 'sum', 'think', 'therefore', 'explain', 'concept', 'aforehand', 'would', 'putting', 'descartes', 'horse', 'driest', 'esoteric', 'joke', 'know']",43
"Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.",462amt,10049,I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign,"['worry', 'lady', 'also', 'donated', 'hilary']","['donated', 'bernie', 'campaign']","['worry', 'lady', 'also', 'donated', 'hilary', 'donated', 'bernie', 'campaign']",8
...hands down.,525f2m,10020,6:30 is the best time on a clock...,['hand'],"['best', 'time', 'clock']","['hand', 'best', 'time', 'clock']",4
"One. We are efficient and dont have humour.




Edit: Wow this blew up. As a German, I didnt expect this. ",3i2z4r,10012,How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?,"['one', 'efficient', 'dont', 'humour', 'edit', 'wow', 'blew', 'german', 'didnt', 'expect']","['many', 'german', 'take', 'change', 'light', 'bulb']","['one', 'efficient', 'dont', 'humour', 'edit', 'wow', 'blew', 'german', 'didnt', 'expect', 'many', 'german', 'take', 'change', 'light', 'bulb']",16
"He's gay, definitely gay.",4xwgqw,10007,"If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it..........","['gay', 'definitely', 'gay']","['woman', 'sleep', 'men', 'slut', 'man']","['gay', 'definitely', 'gay', 'woman', 'sleep', 'men', 'slut', 'man']",8
"""Why the long face?"" asks the bartender...
The horse replies, ""I can no longer make ends meet based solely on the royalties from Sex in the City.""",4rj9cn,9978,A horse walks into a bar...,"['long', 'face', 'asks', 'bartender', 'horse', 'reply', 'longer', 'make', 'end', 'meet', 'based', 'solely', 'royalty', 'sex', 'city']","['horse', 'walk', 'bar']","['long', 'face', 'asks', 'bartender', 'horse', 'reply', 'longer', 'make', 'end', 'meet', 'based', 'solely', 'royalty', 'sex', 'city', 'horse', 'walk', 'bar']",18
"""I'll have H2O,"" says the first.

""I'll have H2O, too,"" says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.",4gdols,9973,Two scientists walk into a bar.,"['say', 'first', 'say', 'second', 'bartender', 'give', 'water', 'able', 'distinguish', 'boundary', 'tone', 'dictate', 'grammatical', 'function', 'homonym', 'coda', 'position', 'well', 'pragmatic', 'context']","['two', 'scientist', 'walk', 'bar']","['say', 'first', 'say', 'second', 'bartender', 'give', 'water', 'able', 'distinguish', 'boundary', 'tone', 'dictate', 'grammatical', 'function', 'homonym', 'coda', 'position', 'well', 'pragmatic', 'context', 'two', 'scientist', 'walk', 'bar']",24
"Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.


EDIT: LADDER. I MEANT LADDER.",4clcqu,9949,How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?,"['two', 'one', 'change', 'hold', 'penis', 'edit', 'ladder', 'meant', 'ladder']","['many', 'freudian', 'analyst', 'take', 'change', 'light', 'bulb']","['two', 'one', 'change', 'hold', 'penis', 'edit', 'ladder', 'meant', 'ladder', 'many', 'freudian', 'analyst', 'take', 'change', 'light', 'bulb']",16
"        
         
         
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop ",3rlj3w,9939,I walked into a room full of men masturbating,"['looked', 'shocked', 'stop']","['walked', 'room', 'full', 'men', 'masturbating']","['looked', 'shocked', 'stop', 'walked', 'room', 'full', 'men', 'masturbating']",8
Credit to my friend Chris,4xg2ng,9937,"If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read ""Pills bury dough boy""","['credit', 'friend', 'chris']","['rich', 'man', 'dy', 'drug', 'overdose', 'headline', 'read', 'pill', 'bury', 'dough', 'boy']","['credit', 'friend', 'chris', 'rich', 'man', 'dy', 'drug', 'overdose', 'headline', 'read', 'pill', 'bury', 'dough', 'boy']",14
Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.,4efica,9910,Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye,"['use', 'chemical', 'remove', 'polish', 'literally', 'hitler']","['use', 'chemical', 'remove', 'polish', 'one', 'bat', 'eye']","['use', 'chemical', 'remove', 'polish', 'literally', 'hitler', 'use', 'chemical', 'remove', 'polish', 'one', 'bat', 'eye']",13
"""I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing of drugs.""

I said, ""Okay, but don't go into that field over there.....""

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ""Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. ""See this fucking badge?! This badge means I'm allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!""

I nodded politely, apologized and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard screaming, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life being chased by my big, old, mean bull... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he sure enough would get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran for the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs...

""Your badge! Show him your fucking BADGE!!""",37yia7,9909,A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday...,"['need', 'inspect', 'farm', 'illegal', 'growing', 'drug', 'said', 'okay', 'go', 'field', 'dea', 'officer', 'verbally', 'exploded', 'saying', 'mister', 'authority', 'federal', 'government', 'reaching', 'rear', 'pant', 'pocket', 'arrogant', 'officer', 'removed', 'badge', 'shoved', 'face', 'see', 'fucking', 'badge', 'badge', 'mean', 'allowed', 'go', 'wherever', 'wish', 'land', 'question', 'asked', 'answer', 'given', 'made', 'clear', 'understand', 'nodded', 'politely', 'apologized', 'went', 'chore', 'short', 'time', 'later', 'heard', 'screaming', 'looked', 'saw', 'dea', 'officer', 'running', 'life', 'chased', 'big', 'old', 'mean', 'bull', 'every', 'step', 'bull', 'gaining', 'ground', 'officer', 'seemed', 'likely', 'sure', 'enough', 'would', 'get', 'gored', 'reached', 'safety', 'officer', 'clearly', 'terrified', 'threw', 'tool', 'ran', 'fence', 'yelled', 'top', 'lung', 'badge', 'show', 'fucking', 'badge']","['dea', 'officer', 'stopped', 'farm', 'yesterday']","['need', 'inspect', 'farm', 'illegal', 'growing', 'drug', 'said', 'okay', 'go', 'field', 'dea', 'officer', 'verbally', 'exploded', 'saying', 'mister', 'authority', 'federal', 'government', 'reaching', 'rear', 'pant', 'pocket', 'arrogant', 'officer', 'removed', 'badge', 'shoved', 'face', 'see', 'fucking', 'badge', 'badge', 'mean', 'allowed', 'go', 'wherever', 'wish', 'land', 'question', 'asked', 'answer', 'given', 'made', 'clear', 'understand', 'nodded', 'politely', 'apologized', 'went', 'chore', 'short', 'time', 'later', 'heard', 'screaming', 'looked', 'saw', 'dea', 'officer', 'running', 'life', 'chased', 'big', 'old', 'mean', 'bull', 'every', 'step', 'bull', 'gaining', 'ground', 'officer', 'seemed', 'likely', 'sure', 'enough', 'would', 'get', 'gored', 'reached', 'safety', 'officer', 'clearly', 'terrified', 'threw', 'tool', 'ran', 'fence', 'yelled', 'top', 'lung', 'badge', 'show', 'fucking', 'badge', 'dea', 'officer', 'stopped', 'farm', 'yesterday']",101
Anybody know what 'ternative' means?,2ijhhi,9898,"My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative'","['anybody', 'know', 'mean']","['girlfriend', 'text']","['anybody', 'know', 'mean', 'girlfriend', 'text']",5
She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself,3c46zr,9868,Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer?,"['felt', 'threatened', 'someone', 'malignant']","['ellen', 'pao', 'fire', 'employee', 'cancer']","['felt', 'threatened', 'someone', 'malignant', 'ellen', 'pao', 'fire', 'employee', 'cancer']",9
"Boy: ""Dark in here.""  
Man: ""Yes it is.""  
Boy: ""I have a baseball.""  
Man: ""That's nice.""  
Boy: ""Want to buy it?""  
Man: ""No, thanks.""  
Boy: ""That's my dad outside.""  
Man: ""How much did you say the baseball was again?""  
Boy: ""$250.""  

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. 

Boy: ""Dark in here.""  
Man: ""Yes, it is.""  
Boy: ""I have a baseball glove.""  
Man: ""That's nice.""  
Boy: ""Want to buy it?""  
Man: ""No, thanks.""  
Boy: ""I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.""  
Man: ""How much did you say the glove was again?""  
Boy: ""$750.""  
Man: ""Fine.""  

A few days later, the father says to the boy, ""Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!""  
The boy says, ""I can't. I sold them.""  
The father asks, ""How much did you sell them for?""  
The son says, ""$1,000.""  
The father says, ""It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.""  

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. 

The boy says, ""Dark in here.""  
The priest says, ""Don't start that shit again.""




",3jowui,9851,"A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.","['boy', 'dark', 'man', 'yes', 'boy', 'baseball', 'man', 'nice', 'boy', 'want', 'buy', 'man', 'thanks', 'boy', 'dad', 'outside', 'man', 'much', 'say', 'baseball', 'boy', 'next', 'week', 'happens', 'boy', 'mom', 'lover', 'closet', 'together', 'boy', 'dark', 'man', 'yes', 'boy', 'baseball', 'glove', 'man', 'nice', 'boy', 'want', 'buy', 'man', 'thanks', 'boy', 'think', 'remembered', 'something', 'needed', 'tell', 'dad', 'man', 'much', 'say', 'glove', 'boy', 'man', 'fine', 'day', 'later', 'father', 'say', 'boy', 'grab', 'glove', 'let', 'go', 'outside', 'toss', 'baseball', 'boy', 'say', 'ca', 'sold', 'father', 'asks', 'much', 'sell', 'son', 'say', 'father', 'say', 'terrible', 'friend', 'like', 'way', 'two', 'thing', 'cost', 'going', 'take', 'church', 'make', 'confess', 'go', 'church', 'father', 'alert', 'priest', 'make', 'little', 'boy', 'sit', 'confession', 'booth', 'close', 'door', 'boy', 'say', 'dark', 'priest', 'say', 'start', 'shit']","['housewife', 'take', 'lover', 'day', 'husband', 'work', 'aware', 'year', 'old', 'son', 'hiding', 'closet', 'husband', 'came', 'home', 'unexpectedly', 'hid', 'lover', 'closet', 'boy', 'company']","['boy', 'dark', 'man', 'yes', 'boy', 'baseball', 'man', 'nice', 'boy', 'want', 'buy', 'man', 'thanks', 'boy', 'dad', 'outside', 'man', 'much', 'say', 'baseball', 'boy', 'next', 'week', 'happens', 'boy', 'mom', 'lover', 'closet', 'together', 'boy', 'dark', 'man', 'yes', 'boy', 'baseball', 'glove', 'man', 'nice', 'boy', 'want', 'buy', 'man', 'thanks', 'boy', 'think', 'remembered', 'something', 'needed', 'tell', 'dad', 'man', 'much', 'say', 'glove', 'boy', 'man', 'fine', 'day', 'later', 'father', 'say', 'boy', 'grab', 'glove', 'let', 'go', 'outside', 'toss', 'baseball', 'boy', 'say', 'ca', 'sold', 'father', 'asks', 'much', 'sell', 'son', 'say', 'father', 'say', 'terrible', 'friend', 'like', 'way', 'two', 'thing', 'cost', 'going', 'take', 'church', 'make', 'confess', 'go', 'church', 'father', 'alert', 'priest', 'make', 'little', 'boy', 'sit', 'confession', 'booth', 'close', 'door', 'boy', 'say', 'dark', 'priest', 'say', 'start', 'shit', 'housewife', 'take', 'lover', 'day', 'husband', 'work', 'aware', 'year', 'old', 'son', 'hiding', 'closet', 'husband', 'came', 'home', 'unexpectedly', 'hid', 'lover', 'closet', 'boy', 'company']",134
"1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated. ",4068c8,9840,I have two requirements in my will....,"['want', 'remains', 'spread', 'disney', 'world', 'want', 'cremated']","['two', 'requirement']","['want', 'remains', 'spread', 'disney', 'world', 'want', 'cremated', 'two', 'requirement']",9
"You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.",3jqq8t,9814,"What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?","['tuna', 'piano', 'ca', 'piano', 'tuna']","['difference', 'tuna', 'piano', 'glue']","['tuna', 'piano', 'ca', 'piano', 'tuna', 'difference', 'tuna', 'piano', 'glue']",9
For the watch,3a4ut1,9814,Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?,['watch'],"['jon', 'snow', 'stand', 'line', 'hour', 'apple', 'store']","['watch', 'jon', 'snow', 'stand', 'line', 'hour', 'apple', 'store']",8
"So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

 I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,


'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'


Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?


'No,' I replied.


'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:


ID10T


I used to like Eric, the little bastard.",5rt6nr,9799,I had a problem with my computer yesterday...,"['called', 'eric', 'year', 'old', 'next', 'door', 'whose', 'bedroom', 'look', 'like', 'mission', 'control', 'asked', 'come', 'eric', 'clicked', 'couple', 'button', 'solved', 'problem', 'walking', 'away', 'called', 'wrong', 'replied', 'id', 'ten', 'error', 'want', 'appear', 'stupid', 'nonetheless', 'inquired', 'id', 'ten', 'error', 'case', 'need', 'fix', 'eric', 'grinned', 'ever', 'heard', 'id', 'ten', 'error', 'replied', 'said', 'think', 'figure', 'wrote', 'used', 'like', 'eric', 'little', 'bastard']","['problem', 'computer', 'yesterday']","['called', 'eric', 'year', 'old', 'next', 'door', 'whose', 'bedroom', 'look', 'like', 'mission', 'control', 'asked', 'come', 'eric', 'clicked', 'couple', 'button', 'solved', 'problem', 'walking', 'away', 'called', 'wrong', 'replied', 'id', 'ten', 'error', 'want', 'appear', 'stupid', 'nonetheless', 'inquired', 'id', 'ten', 'error', 'case', 'need', 'fix', 'eric', 'grinned', 'ever', 'heard', 'id', 'ten', 'error', 'replied', 'said', 'think', 'figure', 'wrote', 'used', 'like', 'eric', 'little', 'bastard', 'problem', 'computer', 'yesterday']",59
"Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. 

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: ""Are you okay? What's your name?"" 

""It's John, and I'm okay, thanks,"" I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. 

""John,"" she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) ""forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."" 

""That's mighty nice of you,"" I answered, ""but I don't think my wife would like it."" 

""Oh, come on now,"" Elizabeth insisted.  

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. ""Well okay,"" I finally agreed but thought to myself, ""my wife won't like it."" 

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. ""I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."" 

""Don't be silly!"" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. ""She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"" 

""Still under the cart, I guess."" ",4dr8aw,9796,A joke for married golfers,"['many', 'year', 'ago', 'married', 'day', 'accidentally', 'overturned', 'golf', 'cart', 'elizabeth', 'attractive', 'keen', 'golfer', 'lived', 'villa', 'golf', 'course', 'heard', 'noise', 'called', 'okay', 'name', 'john', 'okay', 'thanks', 'replied', 'pulled', 'twisted', 'cart', 'john', 'said', 'firm', 'loose', 'breast', 'undulating', 'beneath', 'white', 'silky', 'robe', 'forget', 'trouble', 'come', 'villa', 'rest', 'help', 'get', 'cart', 'later', 'mighty', 'nice', 'answered', 'think', 'wife', 'would', 'like', 'oh', 'come', 'elizabeth', 'insisted', 'pretty', 'sexy', 'persuasive', 'weak', 'well', 'okay', 'finally', 'agreed', 'thought', 'wife', 'wo', 'like', 'couple', 'restorative', 'scotch', 'water', 'thanked', 'elizabeth', 'feel', 'lot', 'better', 'know', 'wife', 'going', 'really', 'upset', 'best', 'go', 'silly', 'elizabeth', 'said', 'smile', 'letting', 'robe', 'fall', 'open', 'slightly', 'wo', 'know', 'anything', 'way', 'still', 'cart', 'guess']","['joke', 'married', 'golfer']","['many', 'year', 'ago', 'married', 'day', 'accidentally', 'overturned', 'golf', 'cart', 'elizabeth', 'attractive', 'keen', 'golfer', 'lived', 'villa', 'golf', 'course', 'heard', 'noise', 'called', 'okay', 'name', 'john', 'okay', 'thanks', 'replied', 'pulled', 'twisted', 'cart', 'john', 'said', 'firm', 'loose', 'breast', 'undulating', 'beneath', 'white', 'silky', 'robe', 'forget', 'trouble', 'come', 'villa', 'rest', 'help', 'get', 'cart', 'later', 'mighty', 'nice', 'answered', 'think', 'wife', 'would', 'like', 'oh', 'come', 'elizabeth', 'insisted', 'pretty', 'sexy', 'persuasive', 'weak', 'well', 'okay', 'finally', 'agreed', 'thought', 'wife', 'wo', 'like', 'couple', 'restorative', 'scotch', 'water', 'thanked', 'elizabeth', 'feel', 'lot', 'better', 'know', 'wife', 'going', 'really', 'upset', 'best', 'go', 'silly', 'elizabeth', 'said', 'smile', 'letting', 'robe', 'fall', 'open', 'slightly', 'wo', 'know', 'anything', 'way', 'still', 'cart', 'guess', 'joke', 'married', 'golfer']",106
Because they are dead. ,3s7vif,9791,Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?,['dead'],"['ca', 'hear', 'pterodactyl', 'go', 'bathroom']","['dead', 'ca', 'hear', 'pterodactyl', 'go', 'bathroom']",6
"Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, ""You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."" Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. ""Logic?"" Bubba says. ""What's that?""

The dean says, ""I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?""

""Yeah.""

""Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard.""

""That's true, I do have a yard.""

""I'm not done,"" the dean says. ""Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.""

""Yes, I do have a house.""

""And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.""

""I have a family.""

""I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.""

""Yes, I do have a wife.""

""And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.""

""I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater!""

Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. ""Logic?"" Jim Bob says, ""What's that?""

Bubba says, ""I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?""

""No.""

""Then you're homosexual.""


Edit: ""I bet there aint a weed eater among you"" - Billy_willy",3wmq6z,9779,The Redneck Joke,"['two', 'tennessee', 'redneck', 'bubba', 'jim', 'bob', 'sitting', 'favorite', 'bar', 'drinking', 'beer', 'bubba', 'turn', 'jim', 'bob', 'say', 'know', 'tired', 'going', 'life', 'without', 'education', 'tomorrow', 'think', 'go', 'community', 'college', 'sign', 'class', 'jim', 'bob', 'think', 'good', 'idea', 'two', 'leave', 'next', 'day', 'bubba', 'go', 'college', 'meet', 'dean', 'admission', 'sign', 'four', 'basic', 'class', 'math', 'english', 'history', 'logic', 'logic', 'bubba', 'say', 'dean', 'say', 'show', 'weedeater', 'yeah', 'logically', 'speaking', 'weedeater', 'think', 'would', 'yard', 'true', 'yard', 'done', 'dean', 'say', 'yard', 'think', 'logically', 'would', 'house', 'yes', 'house', 'house', 'think', 'might', 'logically', 'family', 'family', 'done', 'yet', 'family', 'logically', 'must', 'wife', 'yes', 'wife', 'wife', 'logic', 'tell', 'must', 'heterosexual', 'heterosexual', 'amazing', 'able', 'find', 'weedeater', 'excited', 'take', 'class', 'bubba', 'shake', 'dean', 'hand', 'leaf', 'go', 'meet', 'jim', 'bob', 'bar', 'tell', 'jim', 'bob', 'class', 'signed', 'math', 'english', 'history', 'logic', 'logic', 'jim', 'bob', 'say', 'bubba', 'say', 'show', 'weedeater', 'homosexual', 'edit', 'bet', 'aint', 'weed', 'eater', 'among']","['redneck', 'joke']","['two', 'tennessee', 'redneck', 'bubba', 'jim', 'bob', 'sitting', 'favorite', 'bar', 'drinking', 'beer', 'bubba', 'turn', 'jim', 'bob', 'say', 'know', 'tired', 'going', 'life', 'without', 'education', 'tomorrow', 'think', 'go', 'community', 'college', 'sign', 'class', 'jim', 'bob', 'think', 'good', 'idea', 'two', 'leave', 'next', 'day', 'bubba', 'go', 'college', 'meet', 'dean', 'admission', 'sign', 'four', 'basic', 'class', 'math', 'english', 'history', 'logic', 'logic', 'bubba', 'say', 'dean', 'say', 'show', 'weedeater', 'yeah', 'logically', 'speaking', 'weedeater', 'think', 'would', 'yard', 'true', 'yard', 'done', 'dean', 'say', 'yard', 'think', 'logically', 'would', 'house', 'yes', 'house', 'house', 'think', 'might', 'logically', 'family', 'family', 'done', 'yet', 'family', 'logically', 'must', 'wife', 'yes', 'wife', 'wife', 'logic', 'tell', 'must', 'heterosexual', 'heterosexual', 'amazing', 'able', 'find', 'weedeater', 'excited', 'take', 'class', 'bubba', 'shake', 'dean', 'hand', 'leaf', 'go', 'meet', 'jim', 'bob', 'bar', 'tell', 'jim', 'bob', 'class', 'signed', 'math', 'english', 'history', 'logic', 'logic', 'jim', 'bob', 'say', 'bubba', 'say', 'show', 'weedeater', 'homosexual', 'edit', 'bet', 'aint', 'weed', 'eater', 'among', 'redneck', 'joke']",141
Because black men always get a longer sentence,4r2j17,9769,Why did Obama get two terms?,"['black', 'men', 'always', 'get', 'longer', 'sentence']","['obama', 'get', 'two', 'term']","['black', 'men', 'always', 'get', 'longer', 'sentence', 'obama', 'get', 'two', 'term']",10
"Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do? 

Boss : Do it again. 

Employee : (after a few minutes)  Done again, sir. Anything else? 

Boss : Do it once more. 

Employee : I'm really sorry sir,  but I don't have any stamina left now.  I can't do it anymore. 

Boss : Very good, here are my car
 keys, drop my daughter home.",2uz1lx,9767,I need you to masturbate.,"['employee', 'sir', 'called', 'bos', 'yeah', 'need', 'go', 'rest', 'room', 'masturbate', 'employee', 'minute', 'done', 'sir', 'anything', 'else', 'like', 'bos', 'employee', 'minute', 'done', 'sir', 'anything', 'else', 'bos', 'employee', 'really', 'sorry', 'sir', 'stamen', 'left', 'ca', 'anymore', 'bos', 'good', 'car', 'key', 'drop', 'daughter', 'home']","['need', 'masturbate']","['employee', 'sir', 'called', 'bos', 'yeah', 'need', 'go', 'rest', 'room', 'masturbate', 'employee', 'minute', 'done', 'sir', 'anything', 'else', 'like', 'bos', 'employee', 'minute', 'done', 'sir', 'anything', 'else', 'bos', 'employee', 'really', 'sorry', 'sir', 'stamen', 'left', 'ca', 'anymore', 'bos', 'good', 'car', 'key', 'drop', 'daughter', 'home', 'need', 'masturbate']",42
My dad was holding me from behind .,51kp3v,9762,My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike,"['dad', 'holding', 'behind']","['first', 'time', 'sex', 'like', 'first', 'time', 'riding', 'bike']","['dad', 'holding', 'behind', 'first', 'time', 'sex', 'like', 'first', 'time', 'riding', 'bike']",11
"A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender, 

""Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer in return?""

The bartender is a worldly individual. ""Listen mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive.""

So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff.

The bartender is speechless.

""Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer.""

The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again.

""Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?""

The bartender stares in disbelief. ""After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then.""

The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waist coat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears.

""Oh my word,"" says the bartender. ""That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it.""

In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business.

""I'll give you £50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant.""

""Well, sure, why not?"" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with bank notes before making his exit with the frog.

""Are you MAD!?"" the bartender says to the man. ""You could have made millions with that frog!""

""Nah,"" says the man. 

""The hamster's a ventriloquist.""",4n545s,9744,A man walks into a bar...,"['man', 'walk', 'bar', 'completely', 'parched', 'sits', 'bar', 'pat', 'pocket', 'realises', 'left', 'wallet', 'home', 'call', 'bartender', 'hey', 'pal', 'left', 'wallet', 'home', 'hey', 'tell', 'show', 'something', 'incredible', 'give', 'free', 'beer', 'return', 'bartender', 'worldly', 'individual', 'listen', 'mate', 'look', 'around', 'stuff', 'wall', 'seen', 'kind', 'thing', 'kind', 'place', 'mean', 'give', 'shot', 'honestly', 'doubt', 'show', 'something', 'impressive', 'man', 'reach', 'left', 'jacket', 'pocket', 'pull', 'small', 'hamster', 'place', 'hamster', 'bar', 'bartender', 'look', 'bemused', 'man', 'reach', 'jacket', 'pocket', 'pull', 'tiny', 'piano', 'followed', 'tiny', 'stool', 'right', 'size', 'hamster', 'sits', 'crack', 'knuckle', 'start', 'playing', 'famous', 'piece', 'music', 'rachmaninoff', 'bartender', 'speechless', 'tell', 'mate', 'seen', 'thing', 'time', 'absolutely', 'incredible', 'free', 'beer', 'visitor', 'gulp', 'drink', 'last', 'drop', 'gone', 'ca', 'help', 'feel', 'another', 'drink', 'would', 'really', 'hit', 'spot', 'motion', 'bartender', 'look', 'could', 'really', 'use', 'another', 'drink', 'show', 'something', 'even', 'incredible', 'bartender', 'stare', 'disbelief', 'performance', 'think', 'struggle', 'beat', 'go', 'try', 'luck', 'man', 'reach', 'left', 'jacket', 'pocket', 'retrieves', 'small', 'frog', 'wearing', 'waist', 'coat', 'place', 'frog', 'stool', 'beside', 'hamster', 'hamster', 'count', 'four', 'frog', 'clear', 'throat', 'piano', 'frog', 'sings', 'classic', 'opera', 'bringing', 'several', 'people', 'bar', 'tear', 'oh', 'word', 'say', 'bartender', 'absolutely', 'unbelievable', 'pint', 'mate', 'earned', 'corner', 'room', 'shady', 'looking', 'individual', 'watching', 'keen', 'interest', 'behind', 'dark', 'sunglass', 'approach', 'owner', 'performing', 'animal', 'get', 'straight', 'business', 'give', 'right', 'cash', 'let', 'take', 'frog', 'hand', 'instant', 'well', 'sure', 'say', 'man', 'duly', 'hand', 'frog', 'shady', 'character', 'promptly', 'slide', 'back', 'silver', 'briefcase', 'filled', 'bank', 'note', 'making', 'exit', 'frog', 'mad', 'bartender', 'say', 'man', 'could', 'made', 'million', 'frog', 'nah', 'say', 'man', 'hamster', 'ventriloquist']","['man', 'walk', 'bar']","['man', 'walk', 'bar', 'completely', 'parched', 'sits', 'bar', 'pat', 'pocket', 'realises', 'left', 'wallet', 'home', 'call', 'bartender', 'hey', 'pal', 'left', 'wallet', 'home', 'hey', 'tell', 'show', 'something', 'incredible', 'give', 'free', 'beer', 'return', 'bartender', 'worldly', 'individual', 'listen', 'mate', 'look', 'around', 'stuff', 'wall', 'seen', 'kind', 'thing', 'kind', 'place', 'mean', 'give', 'shot', 'honestly', 'doubt', 'show', 'something', 'impressive', 'man', 'reach', 'left', 'jacket', 'pocket', 'pull', 'small', 'hamster', 'place', 'hamster', 'bar', 'bartender', 'look', 'bemused', 'man', 'reach', 'jacket', 'pocket', 'pull', 'tiny', 'piano', 'followed', 'tiny', 'stool', 'right', 'size', 'hamster', 'sits', 'crack', 'knuckle', 'start', 'playing', 'famous', 'piece', 'music', 'rachmaninoff', 'bartender', 'speechless', 'tell', 'mate', 'seen', 'thing', 'time', 'absolutely', 'incredible', 'free', 'beer', 'visitor', 'gulp', 'drink', 'last', 'drop', 'gone', 'ca', 'help', 'feel', 'another', 'drink', 'would', 'really', 'hit', 'spot', 'motion', 'bartender', 'look', 'could', 'really', 'use', 'another', 'drink', 'show', 'something', 'even', 'incredible', 'bartender', 'stare', 'disbelief', 'performance', 'think', 'struggle', 'beat', 'go', 'try', 'luck', 'man', 'reach', 'left', 'jacket', 'pocket', 'retrieves', 'small', 'frog', 'wearing', 'waist', 'coat', 'place', 'frog', 'stool', 'beside', 'hamster', 'hamster', 'count', 'four', 'frog', 'clear', 'throat', 'piano', 'frog', 'sings', 'classic', 'opera', 'bringing', 'several', 'people', 'bar', 'tear', 'oh', 'word', 'say', 'bartender', 'absolutely', 'unbelievable', 'pint', 'mate', 'earned', 'corner', 'room', 'shady', 'looking', 'individual', 'watching', 'keen', 'interest', 'behind', 'dark', 'sunglass', 'approach', 'owner', 'performing', 'animal', 'get', 'straight', 'business', 'give', 'right', 'cash', 'let', 'take', 'frog', 'hand', 'instant', 'well', 'sure', 'say', 'man', 'duly', 'hand', 'frog', 'shady', 'character', 'promptly', 'slide', 'back', 'silver', 'briefcase', 'filled', 'bank', 'note', 'making', 'exit', 'frog', 'mad', 'bartender', 'say', 'man', 'could', 'made', 'million', 'frog', 'nah', 'say', 'man', 'hamster', 'ventriloquist', 'man', 'walk', 'bar']",238
"Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads",3g2zxm,9734,"Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?","['little', 'one', 'snake', 'poisonous', 'snake', 'bite', 'boy', 'boy', 'immediately', 'start', 'spasm', 'foam', 'mouth', 'leaving', 'kid', 'watching', 'horrified', 'however', 'snake', 'venomous', 'venom', 'always', 'injected', 'poison', 'ingested', 'absorbed', 'skin', 'let', 'get', 'right', 'next', 'time', 'lad']","['boy', 'scout', 'sir', 'found', 'snake', 'poisonous']","['little', 'one', 'snake', 'poisonous', 'snake', 'bite', 'boy', 'boy', 'immediately', 'start', 'spasm', 'foam', 'mouth', 'leaving', 'kid', 'watching', 'horrified', 'however', 'snake', 'venomous', 'venom', 'always', 'injected', 'poison', 'ingested', 'absorbed', 'skin', 'let', 'get', 'right', 'next', 'time', 'lad', 'boy', 'scout', 'sir', 'found', 'snake', 'poisonous']",39
"The higher they are, the more spaced out they get",3qkaoy,9709,What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?,"['higher', 'spaced', 'get']","['prime', 'number', 'stoner', 'common']","['higher', 'spaced', 'get', 'prime', 'number', 'stoner', 'common']",7
"Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. ""Let's see who has the largest dick,"" he says. ""Okay,"" they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. ""That's nothing,"" says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. ""Wow, that thing is huge!"" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.

""Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played ""Let's see who has the largest dick.""

""What kind of game is that, honey?"" asks his mother.

""Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?""

The mom replies: ""No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."" ",3qpdib,9620,Penis Contest,"['three', 'jew', 'italian', 'african', 'american', 'playground', 'recess', 'jewish', 'kid', 'suggests', 'play', 'new', 'game', 'let', 'see', 'largest', 'dick', 'say', 'okay', 'agree', 'jewish', 'kid', 'pull', 'zipper', 'whip', 'nothing', 'say', 'italian', 'kid', 'whip', 'couple', 'inch', 'longer', 'outdone', 'african', 'american', 'whip', 'far', 'biggest', 'dwarfing', 'two', 'length', 'width', 'jewish', 'italian', 'kid', 'stunned', 'amazed', 'wow', 'thing', 'huge', 'exclaim', 'night', 'eating', 'dinner', 'home', 'african', 'american', 'mother', 'asks', 'school', 'today', 'oh', 'worked', 'science', 'project', 'math', 'test', 'read', 'loud', 'new', 'book', 'recess', 'friend', 'played', 'let', 'see', 'largest', 'dick', 'kind', 'game', 'honey', 'asks', 'mother', 'well', 'sidney', 'anthony', 'pulled', 'penis', 'biggest', 'kid', 'say', 'black', 'true', 'mom', 'mom', 'reply', 'honey']","['penis', 'contest']","['three', 'jew', 'italian', 'african', 'american', 'playground', 'recess', 'jewish', 'kid', 'suggests', 'play', 'new', 'game', 'let', 'see', 'largest', 'dick', 'say', 'okay', 'agree', 'jewish', 'kid', 'pull', 'zipper', 'whip', 'nothing', 'say', 'italian', 'kid', 'whip', 'couple', 'inch', 'longer', 'outdone', 'african', 'american', 'whip', 'far', 'biggest', 'dwarfing', 'two', 'length', 'width', 'jewish', 'italian', 'kid', 'stunned', 'amazed', 'wow', 'thing', 'huge', 'exclaim', 'night', 'eating', 'dinner', 'home', 'african', 'american', 'mother', 'asks', 'school', 'today', 'oh', 'worked', 'science', 'project', 'math', 'test', 'read', 'loud', 'new', 'book', 'recess', 'friend', 'played', 'let', 'see', 'largest', 'dick', 'kind', 'game', 'honey', 'asks', 'mother', 'well', 'sidney', 'anthony', 'pulled', 'penis', 'biggest', 'kid', 'say', 'black', 'true', 'mom', 'mom', 'reply', 'honey', 'penis', 'contest']",100
"Because it's white and settles on their land.

Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox.

Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?",4cpfjq,9571,Why do Indians hate snow?,"['white', 'settle', 'land', 'edit', 'well', 'know', 'people', 'mean', 'rip', 'inbox', 'wtf', 'happened', 'headline', 'donald', 'trump']","['indian', 'hate', 'snow']","['white', 'settle', 'land', 'edit', 'well', 'know', 'people', 'mean', 'rip', 'inbox', 'wtf', 'happened', 'headline', 'donald', 'trump', 'indian', 'hate', 'snow']",18
"Jesus: A table for 26, please.

Headwaiter:  But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.

Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.",4bwui4,9563,Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.,"['jesus', 'table', 'please', 'headwaiter', 'um', 'jesus', 'yeah', 'going', 'sit', 'side']","['jesus', 'disciple', 'walk', 'restaurant']","['jesus', 'table', 'please', 'headwaiter', 'um', 'jesus', 'yeah', 'going', 'sit', 'side', 'jesus', 'disciple', 'walk', 'restaurant']",14
whether they like it or not.,367pl1,9520,My neighbors listen to awesome music,"['whether', 'like']","['neighbor', 'listen', 'awesome', 'music']","['whether', 'like', 'neighbor', 'listen', 'awesome', 'music']",6
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.,3ss42z,9514,"My girlfriend said to me ""sex is better on holiday""...","['nice', 'postcard', 'receive']","['girlfriend', 'said', 'sex', 'better', 'holiday']","['nice', 'postcard', 'receive', 'girlfriend', 'said', 'sex', 'better', 'holiday']",8
"There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.

John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.

The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.

Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)",3a7ob4,9494,Classic joke for our Muslim friends today,"['two', 'white', 'christian', 'men', 'john', 'mike', 'whose', 'plane', 'crashed', 'desert', 'luckily', 'survived', 'unharmed', 'traveled', 'hot', 'desert', 'looking', 'food', 'water', 'gave', 'sat', 'thinking', 'dust', 'air', 'settled', 'suddenly', 'could', 'view', 'mosque', 'ahead', 'became', 'hopeful', 'john', 'said', 'muslim', 'might', 'help', 'u', 'say', 'muslim', 'mike', 'said', 'way', 'wo', 'say', 'muslim', 'gon', 'na', 'honest', 'john', 'mike', 'went', 'mosque', 'ahead', 'greeted', 'arab', 'muslim', 'asked', 'name', 'john', 'thought', 'muslim', 'name', 'said', 'name', 'muhammad', 'mike', 'said', 'name', 'mike', 'arab', 'man', 'said', 'mike', 'told', 'men', 'take', 'mike', 'give', 'food', 'drink', 'turned', 'john', 'said', 'muhammad', 'ramadan', 'mubarak', 'hello', 'muhammad', 'happy', 'ramadan']","['classic', 'joke', 'muslim', 'friend', 'today']","['two', 'white', 'christian', 'men', 'john', 'mike', 'whose', 'plane', 'crashed', 'desert', 'luckily', 'survived', 'unharmed', 'traveled', 'hot', 'desert', 'looking', 'food', 'water', 'gave', 'sat', 'thinking', 'dust', 'air', 'settled', 'suddenly', 'could', 'view', 'mosque', 'ahead', 'became', 'hopeful', 'john', 'said', 'muslim', 'might', 'help', 'u', 'say', 'muslim', 'mike', 'said', 'way', 'wo', 'say', 'muslim', 'gon', 'na', 'honest', 'john', 'mike', 'went', 'mosque', 'ahead', 'greeted', 'arab', 'muslim', 'asked', 'name', 'john', 'thought', 'muslim', 'name', 'said', 'name', 'muhammad', 'mike', 'said', 'name', 'mike', 'arab', 'man', 'said', 'mike', 'told', 'men', 'take', 'mike', 'give', 'food', 'drink', 'turned', 'john', 'said', 'muhammad', 'ramadan', 'mubarak', 'hello', 'muhammad', 'happy', 'ramadan', 'classic', 'joke', 'muslim', 'friend', 'today']",96
"Because of the triggers.

I'm sorry",3hdnu9,9491,Why don't feminists carry handguns?,"['trigger', 'sorry']","['feminist', 'carry', 'handgun']","['trigger', 'sorry', 'feminist', 'carry', 'handgun']",5
"So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, ""What did you do at school today?"" The kid replies, ""I had sex with the teacher."" The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, ""Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike."" Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, ""Would you like to try it out?"" The son replies, ""Not now. My butt still hurts.""

Edit: Wow Gold! Thank you so much and dear people that are getting offended over this, it's a joke. Chill!",3yyvzk,9474,A kid had sex with his teacher.,"['kid', 'got', 'school', 'got', 'car', 'mom', 'mom', 'asks', 'school', 'today', 'kid', 'reply', 'sex', 'teacher', 'mom', 'furious', 'got', 'home', 'told', 'go', 'room', 'wait', 'father', 'come', 'home', 'well', 'father', 'came', 'home', 'work', 'couple', 'hour', 'later', 'mother', 'told', 'son', 'said', 'dad', 'walk', 'son', 'room', 'say', 'son', 'proud', 'going', 'buy', 'new', 'bike', 'later', 'day', 'got', 'bike', 'father', 'asks', 'would', 'like', 'try', 'son', 'reply', 'butt', 'still', 'hurt', 'edit', 'wow', 'gold', 'thank', 'much', 'dear', 'people', 'getting', 'offended', 'joke', 'chill']","['kid', 'sex', 'teacher']","['kid', 'got', 'school', 'got', 'car', 'mom', 'mom', 'asks', 'school', 'today', 'kid', 'reply', 'sex', 'teacher', 'mom', 'furious', 'got', 'home', 'told', 'go', 'room', 'wait', 'father', 'come', 'home', 'well', 'father', 'came', 'home', 'work', 'couple', 'hour', 'later', 'mother', 'told', 'son', 'said', 'dad', 'walk', 'son', 'room', 'say', 'son', 'proud', 'going', 'buy', 'new', 'bike', 'later', 'day', 'got', 'bike', 'father', 'asks', 'would', 'like', 'try', 'son', 'reply', 'butt', 'still', 'hurt', 'edit', 'wow', 'gold', 'thank', 'much', 'dear', 'people', 'getting', 'offended', 'joke', 'chill', 'kid', 'sex', 'teacher']",76
I never found it.,4u6610,9459,"I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.","['never', 'found']","['found', 'girl', 'lying', 'railroad', 'track', 'untied', 'took', 'bush', 'great', 'sex', 'head', 'though']","['never', 'found', 'found', 'girl', 'lying', 'railroad', 'track', 'untied', 'took', 'bush', 'great', 'sex', 'head', 'though']",14
"So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.",3pwpu9,9424,"Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....","['like', 'na', 'like', 'pirate', 'booty']","['girl', 'asked', 'netflix', 'chill', 'download', 'movie', 'illegally']","['like', 'na', 'like', 'pirate', 'booty', 'girl', 'asked', 'netflix', 'chill', 'download', 'movie', 'illegally']",12
And the bartender says ''How did you do that?'',4i9kps,9422,Snake walks into a bar.,"['bartender', 'say']","['snake', 'walk', 'bar']","['bartender', 'say', 'snake', 'walk', 'bar']",5
"Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a  pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ""Pierre, kiss me!""

Pierre  grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.  ""What are you doing, Pierre?"" says the startled Marie.

""I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!""

She smiles and they start kissing.  Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ""Pierre, kiss me lower.""

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. ""Pierre! What are you doing now?"" asks the bewildered Marie.

""I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When  I have white meat, I have white wine!""

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ""Pierre,  kiss me much lower!""

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of  Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, ""PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?""

Our hero stands and says defiantly, ""I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in  flames!""",4ewxy2,9403,I am Pierre,"['pierre', 'brave', 'french', 'fighter', 'pilot', 'take', 'girlfriend', 'marie', 'pleasant', 'little', 'picnic', 'river', 'seine', 'beautiful', 'day', 'love', 'air', 'marie', 'lean', 'pierre', 'say', 'pierre', 'kiss', 'pierre', 'grab', 'bottle', 'merlot', 'splash', 'marie', 'lip', 'pierre', 'say', 'startled', 'marie', 'pierre', 'fighter', 'pilot', 'red', 'meat', 'red', 'wine', 'smile', 'start', 'kissing', 'thing', 'began', 'heat', 'little', 'marie', 'say', 'pierre', 'kiss', 'lower', 'hero', 'tear', 'blouse', 'open', 'grab', 'bottle', 'chardonnay', 'pours', 'breast', 'pierre', 'asks', 'bewildered', 'marie', 'pierre', 'fighter', 'pilot', 'white', 'meat', 'white', 'wine', 'giggle', 'resume', 'passionate', 'interlude', 'thing', 'really', 'steam', 'marie', 'lean', 'close', 'ear', 'whisper', 'pierre', 'kiss', 'much', 'lower', 'pierre', 'rip', 'underwear', 'grab', 'bottle', 'cognac', 'pours', 'lap', 'strike', 'match', 'light', 'cognac', 'fire', 'marie', 'shriek', 'dive', 'river', 'seine', 'standing', 'waist', 'deep', 'marie', 'throw', 'arm', 'air', 'scream', 'furiously', 'pierre', 'f', 'k', 'think', 'hero', 'stand', 'say', 'defiantly', 'pierre', 'fighter', 'pilot', 'go', 'go', 'flame']",['pierre'],"['pierre', 'brave', 'french', 'fighter', 'pilot', 'take', 'girlfriend', 'marie', 'pleasant', 'little', 'picnic', 'river', 'seine', 'beautiful', 'day', 'love', 'air', 'marie', 'lean', 'pierre', 'say', 'pierre', 'kiss', 'pierre', 'grab', 'bottle', 'merlot', 'splash', 'marie', 'lip', 'pierre', 'say', 'startled', 'marie', 'pierre', 'fighter', 'pilot', 'red', 'meat', 'red', 'wine', 'smile', 'start', 'kissing', 'thing', 'began', 'heat', 'little', 'marie', 'say', 'pierre', 'kiss', 'lower', 'hero', 'tear', 'blouse', 'open', 'grab', 'bottle', 'chardonnay', 'pours', 'breast', 'pierre', 'asks', 'bewildered', 'marie', 'pierre', 'fighter', 'pilot', 'white', 'meat', 'white', 'wine', 'giggle', 'resume', 'passionate', 'interlude', 'thing', 'really', 'steam', 'marie', 'lean', 'close', 'ear', 'whisper', 'pierre', 'kiss', 'much', 'lower', 'pierre', 'rip', 'underwear', 'grab', 'bottle', 'cognac', 'pours', 'lap', 'strike', 'match', 'light', 'cognac', 'fire', 'marie', 'shriek', 'dive', 'river', 'seine', 'standing', 'waist', 'deep', 'marie', 'throw', 'arm', 'air', 'scream', 'furiously', 'pierre', 'f', 'k', 'think', 'hero', 'stand', 'say', 'defiantly', 'pierre', 'fighter', 'pilot', 'go', 'go', 'flame', 'pierre']",131
"WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!?

LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT ‘EM?!?!?

*NEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOWWWW*

Edit: Wow, this really took off. ",3p5en9,9394,WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!!,"['want', 'low', 'flying', 'airplane', 'noise', 'want', 'em', 'neeeeeyyyyoooooooowwww', 'edit', 'wow', 'really', 'took']",['want'],"['want', 'low', 'flying', 'airplane', 'noise', 'want', 'em', 'neeeeeyyyyoooooooowwww', 'edit', 'wow', 'really', 'took', 'want']",13
The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!,4wwajg,9372,The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised,"['somalian', 'olympics', 'team', 'apologised', 'olympic', 'committee', 'realising', 'sailing', 'shooting', 'separate', 'event']","['somalian', 'olympics', 'team', 'apologised']","['somalian', 'olympics', 'team', 'apologised', 'olympic', 'committee', 'realising', 'sailing', 'shooting', 'separate', 'event', 'somalian', 'olympics', 'team', 'apologised']",15
A gun has only one trigger.,4hfevp,9333,What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?,"['gun', 'one', 'trigger']","['difference', 'feminist', 'gun']","['gun', 'one', 'trigger', 'difference', 'feminist', 'gun']",6
"An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.

One falls to his knees, ""I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!""

God sighs. ""Muslim extremists. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden did it.""

His friend leans down and whispers, ""Damn, dude. This thing goes way higher up than we ever realized.""

E: If you think the joke is funny you should see all the butthurt 9/11 conspiracy theorists in the comments ",4j4djz,9333,Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes,"['instant', 'later', 'find', 'afterlife', 'judged', 'almighty', 'god', 'one', 'fall', 'knee', 'deplore', 'creator', 'universe', 'judge', 'humbly', 'beg', 'reveal', 'behind', 'september', 'attack', 'god', 'sigh', 'muslim', 'extremist', 'osama', 'bin', 'laden', 'friend', 'lean', 'whisper', 'damn', 'dude', 'thing', 'go', 'way', 'higher', 'ever', 'realized', 'e', 'think', 'joke', 'funny', 'see', 'butthurt', 'conspiracy', 'theorist', 'comment']","['two', 'conspiracy', 'theorist', 'plane', 'crash']","['instant', 'later', 'find', 'afterlife', 'judged', 'almighty', 'god', 'one', 'fall', 'knee', 'deplore', 'creator', 'universe', 'judge', 'humbly', 'beg', 'reveal', 'behind', 'september', 'attack', 'god', 'sigh', 'muslim', 'extremist', 'osama', 'bin', 'laden', 'friend', 'lean', 'whisper', 'damn', 'dude', 'thing', 'go', 'way', 'higher', 'ever', 'realized', 'e', 'think', 'joke', 'funny', 'see', 'butthurt', 'conspiracy', 'theorist', 'comment', 'two', 'conspiracy', 'theorist', 'plane', 'crash']",52
"Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby. ",5tuntg,9318,I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..,"['turn', 'change', 'color', 'baby']","['thought', 'vasectomy', 'would', 'get', 'wife', 'pregnant']","['turn', 'change', 'color', 'baby', 'thought', 'vasectomy', 'would', 'get', 'wife', 'pregnant']",10
"I pulled out my cellphone and said, ""That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!""",316brs,9312,"My 7-year-old nephew showed me with pride the ""telephone"" he had just made from a string and two tin cans....","['pulled', 'cellphone', 'said', 'nice', 'look', 'kid', 'age', 'make', 'china']","['nephew', 'showed', 'pride', 'telephone', 'made', 'string', 'two', 'tin', 'can']","['pulled', 'cellphone', 'said', 'nice', 'look', 'kid', 'age', 'make', 'china', 'nephew', 'showed', 'pride', 'telephone', 'made', 'string', 'two', 'tin', 'can']",18
"The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.",44n8ix,9304,"A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest?","['blonde', 'one']","['blonde', 'brunette', 'redhead', 'grade', 'one', 'sexiest']","['blonde', 'one', 'blonde', 'brunette', 'redhead', 'grade', 'one', 'sexiest']",8
"One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.",42l5vo,9304,What is the difference between USA and USB?,"['one', 'connects', 'device', 'access', 'data', 'hardware', 'standard']","['difference', 'usa', 'usb']","['one', 'connects', 'device', 'access', 'data', 'hardware', 'standard', 'difference', 'usa', 'usb']",10
"when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
""Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters""

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;

""Alright officer, we'll do it""",2areug,9271,Two priests are out driving one day..,"['get', 'pulled', 'police', 'officer', 'cop', 'approach', 'priest', 'vehicle', 'say', 'driver', 'sorry', 'pull', 'father', 'looking', 'couple', 'child', 'molester', 'two', 'priest', 'look', 'moment', 'quiet', 'word', 'driver', 'turn', 'back', 'cop', 'say', 'alright', 'officer']","['two', 'priest', 'driving', 'one', 'day']","['get', 'pulled', 'police', 'officer', 'cop', 'approach', 'priest', 'vehicle', 'say', 'driver', 'sorry', 'pull', 'father', 'looking', 'couple', 'child', 'molester', 'two', 'priest', 'look', 'moment', 'quiet', 'word', 'driver', 'turn', 'back', 'cop', 'say', 'alright', 'officer', 'two', 'priest', 'driving', 'one', 'day']",35
Because they can't C#. ,53gvk1,9268,Why do Java programmers need glasses?,"['ca', 'c']","['java', 'programmer', 'need', 'glass']","['ca', 'c', 'java', 'programmer', 'need', 'glass']",6
"An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


""Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!""


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way. 


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


""Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!""


Doctor replies, ""Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing...""",47bmfr,9266,"""Silent farts that don't stink...""","['old', 'woman', 'visit', 'doctor', 'routine', 'doctor', 'constant', 'gas', 'fart', 'always', 'silent', 'stink', 'doctor', 'prescribes', 'pill', 'sends', 'way', 'two', 'week', 'later', 'return', 'doctor', 'still', 'constant', 'silent', 'fart', 'stink', 'doctor', 'reply', 'alright', 'cleared', 'sinus', 'hearing']","['silent', 'fart', 'stink']","['old', 'woman', 'visit', 'doctor', 'routine', 'doctor', 'constant', 'gas', 'fart', 'always', 'silent', 'stink', 'doctor', 'prescribes', 'pill', 'sends', 'way', 'two', 'week', 'later', 'return', 'doctor', 'still', 'constant', 'silent', 'fart', 'stink', 'doctor', 'reply', 'alright', 'cleared', 'sinus', 'hearing', 'silent', 'fart', 'stink']",36
"After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.",2rbif4,9250,Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.,"['would', 'wash', 'morning', 'went', 'back', 'complain', 'tattoo', 'parlour']","['yesterday', 'went', 'temporary', 'tattoo', 'parlour', 'get', 'tattoo']","['would', 'wash', 'morning', 'went', 'back', 'complain', 'tattoo', 'parlour', 'yesterday', 'went', 'temporary', 'tattoo', 'parlour', 'get', 'tattoo']",15
"took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. 

 I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. 

“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” . 

Now it’s at about this time I probably should have left..... 
 ......but you just don’t get an offer like that every day. 
",3exadq,9246,I met this girl the other day and she,"['took', 'back', 'house', 'thing', 'got', 'hot', 'heavy', 'quickly', 'bent', 'kitchen', 'table', 'started', 'going', 'suddenly', 'heard', 'front', 'door', 'open', 'oh', 'shit', 'boyfriend', 'exclaimed', 'quick', 'use', 'backdoor', 'time', 'probably', 'left', 'get', 'offer', 'like', 'every', 'day']","['met', 'girl', 'day']","['took', 'back', 'house', 'thing', 'got', 'hot', 'heavy', 'quickly', 'bent', 'kitchen', 'table', 'started', 'going', 'suddenly', 'heard', 'front', 'door', 'open', 'oh', 'shit', 'boyfriend', 'exclaimed', 'quick', 'use', 'backdoor', 'time', 'probably', 'left', 'get', 'offer', 'like', 'every', 'day', 'met', 'girl', 'day']",36
"2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

",30tqhu,9245,"4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.","['prime', 'suspect']",['killed'],"['prime', 'suspect', 'killed']",3
"who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, ""Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?""
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ""Fluctuations.""
The Asian lady says, ""Fluc you white people too!!""",46kua4,9242,I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me,"['trying', 'exchange', 'yen', 'dollar', 'obvious', 'little', 'irritated', 'asked', 'teller', 'change', 'yesterday', 'get', 'two', 'hunat', 'dolla', 'fo', 'yen', 'today', 'get', 'hunat', 'eighty', 'change', 'teller', 'shrugged', 'shoulder', 'said', 'fluctuation', 'asian', 'lady', 'say', 'fluc', 'white', 'people']","['bank', 'today', 'asian', 'lady', 'ahead']","['trying', 'exchange', 'yen', 'dollar', 'obvious', 'little', 'irritated', 'asked', 'teller', 'change', 'yesterday', 'get', 'two', 'hunat', 'dolla', 'fo', 'yen', 'today', 'get', 'hunat', 'eighty', 'change', 'teller', 'shrugged', 'shoulder', 'said', 'fluctuation', 'asian', 'lady', 'say', 'fluc', 'white', 'people', 'bank', 'today', 'asian', 'lady', 'ahead']",38
I don't think I can ever repay you.,3mdmue,9235,"Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.","['think', 'ever', 'repay']","['thank', 'student', 'loan', 'helping', 'get', 'college']","['think', 'ever', 'repay', 'thank', 'student', 'loan', 'helping', 'get', 'college']",9
"Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.",49chan,9225,Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning.,"['bless', 'think', 'digging', 'pond']","['spent', 'hour', 'wife', 'grave', 'morning']","['bless', 'think', 'digging', 'pond', 'spent', 'hour', 'wife', 'grave', 'morning']",9
IT'S FUCKING FROZEN,3nz3te,9221,What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite movie?,"['fucking', 'frozen']","['gordon', 'ramsay', 'favorite', 'movie']","['fucking', 'frozen', 'gordon', 'ramsay', 'favorite', 'movie']",6
"Nothing. She's fine.


Edit: Wow guys. Thanks so much for the upvotes, the hilarious comments and I finally got my 1st gold! ",33h1x6,9219,What does a girl want more than anything in the world?,"['nothing', 'fine', 'edit', 'wow', 'guy', 'thanks', 'much', 'upvotes', 'hilarious', 'comment', 'finally', 'got', 'gold']","['girl', 'want', 'anything', 'world']","['nothing', 'fine', 'edit', 'wow', 'guy', 'thanks', 'much', 'upvotes', 'hilarious', 'comment', 'finally', 'got', 'gold', 'girl', 'want', 'anything', 'world']",17
"1.


2.


3.",47u9xn,9215,The three unwritten rules of life,[],"['three', 'unwritten', 'rule', 'life']","['three', 'unwritten', 'rule', 'life']",4
1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking,4r9yei,9195,My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:,"['murderer', 'police', 'telling', 'everyone', 'dead', 'book', 'ordered', 'positive', 'thinking']","['top', 'assumption', 'doorbell', 'ring']","['murderer', 'police', 'telling', 'everyone', 'dead', 'book', 'ordered', 'positive', 'thinking', 'top', 'assumption', 'doorbell', 'ring']",13
"There are two people on a boat; they have three cigarettes. However, they don't have a lighter. What do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat *became a cigarette lighter!*

Edit: Wow this blew up. I suppose we can use the explosion to light the cigarette now.",331xv7,9179,There are 2 people on a boat…,"['two', 'people', 'boat', 'three', 'cigarette', 'however', 'lighter', 'throw', 'cigarette', 'overboard', 'whole', 'boat', 'became', 'cigarette', 'lighter', 'edit', 'wow', 'blew', 'suppose', 'use', 'explosion', 'light', 'cigarette']",['people'],"['two', 'people', 'boat', 'three', 'cigarette', 'however', 'lighter', 'throw', 'cigarette', 'overboard', 'whole', 'boat', 'became', 'cigarette', 'lighter', 'edit', 'wow', 'blew', 'suppose', 'use', 'explosion', 'light', 'cigarette', 'people']",24
"
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'     

And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.       

Edit: Thank you for the gold..  One day I may do the analysis on how many commented on the joke, the superfluous use of nationalities, or scoring the joke with rice...  Gotta look that one up.",3wiwnn,9172,Christmas Joke... Three men died....,"['three', 'men', 'died', 'christmas', 'eve', 'met', 'saint', 'peter', 'pearly', 'gate', 'honor', 'holy', 'season', 'saint', 'peter', 'said', 'must', 'posse', 'something', 'symbolizes', 'christmas', 'get', 'heaven', 'englishman', 'fumbled', 'pocket', 'pulled', 'lighter', 'flicked', 'candle', 'said', 'may', 'pas', 'pearly', 'gate', 'saint', 'peter', 'said', 'scotsman', 'reached', 'pocket', 'pulled', 'set', 'key', 'shook', 'said', 'bell', 'saint', 'peter', 'said', 'may', 'pas', 'pearly', 'gate', 'irishman', 'started', 'searching', 'desperately', 'pocket', 'finally', 'pulled', 'pair', 'woman', 'panty', 'peter', 'looked', 'man', 'raised', 'eyebrow', 'asked', 'symbolize', 'irishman', 'replied', 'carol', 'christmas', 'season', 'begin', 'sure', 'hope', 'joke', 'get', 'better', 'edit', 'thank', 'gold', 'one', 'day', 'may', 'analysis', 'many', 'commented', 'joke', 'superfluous', 'use', 'nationality', 'scoring', 'joke', 'rice', 'got', 'ta', 'look', 'one']","['christmas', 'joke', 'three', 'men', 'died']","['three', 'men', 'died', 'christmas', 'eve', 'met', 'saint', 'peter', 'pearly', 'gate', 'honor', 'holy', 'season', 'saint', 'peter', 'said', 'must', 'posse', 'something', 'symbolizes', 'christmas', 'get', 'heaven', 'englishman', 'fumbled', 'pocket', 'pulled', 'lighter', 'flicked', 'candle', 'said', 'may', 'pas', 'pearly', 'gate', 'saint', 'peter', 'said', 'scotsman', 'reached', 'pocket', 'pulled', 'set', 'key', 'shook', 'said', 'bell', 'saint', 'peter', 'said', 'may', 'pas', 'pearly', 'gate', 'irishman', 'started', 'searching', 'desperately', 'pocket', 'finally', 'pulled', 'pair', 'woman', 'panty', 'peter', 'looked', 'man', 'raised', 'eyebrow', 'asked', 'symbolize', 'irishman', 'replied', 'carol', 'christmas', 'season', 'begin', 'sure', 'hope', 'joke', 'get', 'better', 'edit', 'thank', 'gold', 'one', 'day', 'may', 'analysis', 'many', 'commented', 'joke', 'superfluous', 'use', 'nationality', 'scoring', 'joke', 'rice', 'got', 'ta', 'look', 'one', 'christmas', 'joke', 'three', 'men', 'died']",107
A Marxman.,48dgl4,9171,What do you call a Communist sniper?,['marxman'],"['call', 'communist', 'sniper']","['marxman', 'call', 'communist', 'sniper']",4
I'm not really a mourning person. ,50rx0c,9134,I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am...,"['really', 'mourning', 'person']","['hate', 'funeral', 'always']","['really', 'mourning', 'person', 'hate', 'funeral', 'always']",6
It's a complex complex complex.,3tjxw6,9113,I have a phobia of over engineered buildings,"['complex', 'complex', 'complex']","['phobia', 'engineered', 'building']","['complex', 'complex', 'complex', 'phobia', 'engineered', 'building']",6
"""Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant.""

""I'm not mad, just disappointed.""

""Hi disappointed, I'm dad.""

""Did you jus...""

""Yes.""

""You're ready.""

""I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad.""",3fbdgd,9078,Dad my girlfriends pregnant,"['dad', 'girlfriend', 'pregnant', 'mad', 'disappointed', 'hi', 'disappointed', 'dad', 'jus', 'yes', 'ready', 'ready', 'told', 'dad']","['dad', 'girlfriend', 'pregnant']","['dad', 'girlfriend', 'pregnant', 'mad', 'disappointed', 'hi', 'disappointed', 'dad', 'jus', 'yes', 'ready', 'ready', 'told', 'dad', 'dad', 'girlfriend', 'pregnant']",17
"1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.",2y4wh6,9077,How to win the war on drugs,"['legalize', 'drug', 'require', 'drug', 'purchased', 'comcast', 'customer', 'service']","['win', 'war', 'drug']","['legalize', 'drug', 'require', 'drug', 'purchased', 'comcast', 'customer', 'service', 'win', 'war', 'drug']",11
"A Koala is sitting in a bar enjoying his drink when a beautiful woman approaches him. She starts flirting and they chat for a few minutes before the woman looks at the Koala and says 

""hey, you wanna get outta here?"" 

""Sure!"" the Koala replied as he jumped off the stool and took her hand and led her out of the bar.

The moment they get into her apartment he immediately pulls her skirt down and starts going down on her. After about 15 minutes the Koala gets up and starts walking around. 

""what are you doing?"" the woman asked.

""Oh, I'm getting my stuff and going back to the bar"" the Koala replied.

""You have to pay me first!"" the woman shouted.

""What!? Why?"" the Koala asked.

""Because I'm a prostitute!"" the woman said angrily.

""What's a prostitute?"" he asked

The woman grabbed a dictionary from the bedside table and threw it at him. He opened it up and found the word:

Prostitute: A person who offers sexual activity in exchange for payment.

The Koala snapped the dictionary shut and angrily shouted

""Well yeah bitch, I'm a Koala!""

""What the fuck is a Koala?!"" she barked

The Koala threw the dictionary back at her and she opened it up to the K section.

Koala: Eats bushes and leaves",44wqky,9072,A Koala is sitting in a bar...,"['koala', 'sitting', 'bar', 'enjoying', 'drink', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'approach', 'start', 'flirting', 'chat', 'minute', 'woman', 'look', 'koala', 'say', 'hey', 'wan', 'na', 'get', 'outta', 'sure', 'koala', 'replied', 'jumped', 'stool', 'took', 'hand', 'led', 'bar', 'moment', 'get', 'apartment', 'immediately', 'pull', 'skirt', 'start', 'going', 'minute', 'koala', 'get', 'start', 'walking', 'around', 'woman', 'asked', 'oh', 'getting', 'stuff', 'going', 'back', 'bar', 'koala', 'replied', 'pay', 'first', 'woman', 'shouted', 'koala', 'asked', 'prostitute', 'woman', 'said', 'angrily', 'prostitute', 'asked', 'woman', 'grabbed', 'dictionary', 'bedside', 'table', 'threw', 'opened', 'found', 'word', 'prostitute', 'person', 'offer', 'sexual', 'activity', 'exchange', 'payment', 'koala', 'snapped', 'dictionary', 'shut', 'angrily', 'shouted', 'well', 'yeah', 'bitch', 'koala', 'fuck', 'koala', 'barked', 'koala', 'threw', 'dictionary', 'back', 'opened', 'k', 'section', 'koala', 'eats', 'bush', 'leaf']","['koala', 'sitting', 'bar']","['koala', 'sitting', 'bar', 'enjoying', 'drink', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'approach', 'start', 'flirting', 'chat', 'minute', 'woman', 'look', 'koala', 'say', 'hey', 'wan', 'na', 'get', 'outta', 'sure', 'koala', 'replied', 'jumped', 'stool', 'took', 'hand', 'led', 'bar', 'moment', 'get', 'apartment', 'immediately', 'pull', 'skirt', 'start', 'going', 'minute', 'koala', 'get', 'start', 'walking', 'around', 'woman', 'asked', 'oh', 'getting', 'stuff', 'going', 'back', 'bar', 'koala', 'replied', 'pay', 'first', 'woman', 'shouted', 'koala', 'asked', 'prostitute', 'woman', 'said', 'angrily', 'prostitute', 'asked', 'woman', 'grabbed', 'dictionary', 'bedside', 'table', 'threw', 'opened', 'found', 'word', 'prostitute', 'person', 'offer', 'sexual', 'activity', 'exchange', 'payment', 'koala', 'snapped', 'dictionary', 'shut', 'angrily', 'shouted', 'well', 'yeah', 'bitch', 'koala', 'fuck', 'koala', 'barked', 'koala', 'threw', 'dictionary', 'back', 'opened', 'k', 'section', 'koala', 'eats', 'bush', 'leaf', 'koala', 'sitting', 'bar']",109
"My girlfriend said if this gets 1000 votes we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me. 

",384b2y,9067,my girlfriends said if this gets 1000 up votes,"['girlfriend', 'said', 'get', 'vote', 'try', 'anal', 'please', 'vote', 'strap', 'huge', 'really', 'scare']","['girlfriend', 'said', 'get', 'vote']","['girlfriend', 'said', 'get', 'vote', 'try', 'anal', 'please', 'vote', 'strap', 'huge', 'really', 'scare', 'girlfriend', 'said', 'get', 'vote']",16
But she pulled some strings and got me in.,3xiris,9058,"I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.","['pulled', 'string', 'got']","['told', 'wife', 'sex', 'go', 'see', 'star', 'war', 'said', 'period', 'star', 'war', 'sold']","['pulled', 'string', 'got', 'told', 'wife', 'sex', 'go', 'see', 'star', 'war', 'said', 'period', 'star', 'war', 'sold']",15
"He orders nine shots.

The bartender apprehensive asks, ""whats the occasion?""

The man mumbles, ""first blowjob.""

The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.

The man downs all nine in a row.

The bartender still smiling says, 

""hey, make it an even ten. On the house.""

The man shakes his head, 

""No thanks. If the first nine didn't wash out the taste, I doubt one more would help.""",3e0egg,9056,A man walks into a bar... (NSFW),"['order', 'nine', 'shot', 'bartender', 'apprehensive', 'asks', 'whats', 'occasion', 'man', 'mumble', 'first', 'blowjob', 'bartender', 'brightens', 'pours', 'nine', 'shot', 'lay', 'man', 'down', 'nine', 'row', 'bartender', 'still', 'smiling', 'say', 'hey', 'make', 'even', 'ten', 'house', 'man', 'shake', 'head', 'thanks', 'first', 'nine', 'wash', 'taste', 'doubt', 'one', 'would', 'help']","['man', 'walk', 'bar', 'nsfw']","['order', 'nine', 'shot', 'bartender', 'apprehensive', 'asks', 'whats', 'occasion', 'man', 'mumble', 'first', 'blowjob', 'bartender', 'brightens', 'pours', 'nine', 'shot', 'lay', 'man', 'down', 'nine', 'row', 'bartender', 'still', 'smiling', 'say', 'hey', 'make', 'even', 'ten', 'house', 'man', 'shake', 'head', 'thanks', 'first', 'nine', 'wash', 'taste', 'doubt', 'one', 'would', 'help', 'man', 'walk', 'bar', 'nsfw']",47
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.,49v13m,9052,An officer was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating on the job.,"['name', 'given', 'high', 'wanking', 'officer']","['officer', 'fired', 'smoking', 'cannabis', 'masturbating', 'job']","['name', 'given', 'high', 'wanking', 'officer', 'officer', 'fired', 'smoking', 'cannabis', 'masturbating', 'job']",11
"The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, ""I think it's time we start swearing""

The brother nods in agreement. 

""When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear"" says the 7 yr old. 

The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. 

""I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!""

The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. 

The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, ""I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!""",4jd895,9025,A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom...,"['yr', 'old', 'look', 'brother', 'say', 'think', 'time', 'start', 'swearing', 'brother', 'nod', 'agreement', 'go', 'downstairs', 'first', 'swear', 'swear', 'say', 'yr', 'old', 'two', 'brother', 'go', 'downstairs', 'mother', 'asks', 'want', 'breakfast', 'bowl', 'cocoa', 'puff', 'bitch', 'mother', 'smack', 'kid', 'hard', 'fly', 'chair', 'mother', 'asks', 'yr', 'old', 'want', 'stunned', 'yr', 'old', 'say', 'know', 'wo', 'fucking', 'cocoa', 'puff']","['yr', 'old', 'yr', 'old', 'bedroom']","['yr', 'old', 'look', 'brother', 'say', 'think', 'time', 'start', 'swearing', 'brother', 'nod', 'agreement', 'go', 'downstairs', 'first', 'swear', 'swear', 'say', 'yr', 'old', 'two', 'brother', 'go', 'downstairs', 'mother', 'asks', 'want', 'breakfast', 'bowl', 'cocoa', 'puff', 'bitch', 'mother', 'smack', 'kid', 'hard', 'fly', 'chair', 'mother', 'asks', 'yr', 'old', 'want', 'stunned', 'yr', 'old', 'say', 'know', 'wo', 'fucking', 'cocoa', 'puff', 'yr', 'old', 'yr', 'old', 'bedroom']",57
"So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.  
She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.",44avcp,9010,"When my wife left, I was sad and lonely","['got', 'dog', 'new', 'motorbike', 'shagged', 'woman', 'blew', 'grand', 'drug', 'alcohol', 'going', 'go', 'fucking', 'nut', 'get', 'back', 'work']","['wife', 'left', 'sad', 'lonely']","['got', 'dog', 'new', 'motorbike', 'shagged', 'woman', 'blew', 'grand', 'drug', 'alcohol', 'going', 'go', 'fucking', 'nut', 'get', 'back', 'work', 'wife', 'left', 'sad', 'lonely']",21
Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget. ,43hj53,9006,Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.,"['tell', 'woman', 'fat', 'remember', 'rest', 'life', 'elephant', 'never', 'forget']","['tell', 'woman', 'beautiful', 'hundred', 'time', 'wo', 'believe']","['tell', 'woman', 'fat', 'remember', 'rest', 'life', 'elephant', 'never', 'forget', 'tell', 'woman', 'beautiful', 'hundred', 'time', 'wo', 'believe']",16
"...The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge.
They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.

The king of France drops his and the French crowd shout ""viva la france!!""

The king of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout ""Viva la españa!!""

The king of England drops his, a long silence from the crowd, and then everybody shouts ""God save the Queen!!!""



Edit: I posted this whilst high, The title of the post is part of the joke the ellipses symbolise this ",3qbdqs,8997,The king of france...[NSFW],"['king', 'england', 'king', 'spain', 'argument', 'biggest', 'penis', 'eventually', 'decide', 'let', 'people', 'judge', 'stand', 'stage', 'front', 'people', 'drop', 'pant', 'one', 'one', 'king', 'france', 'drop', 'french', 'crowd', 'shout', 'viva', 'la', 'france', 'king', 'spain', 'drop', 'spanish', 'crowd', 'shout', 'viva', 'la', 'españa', 'king', 'england', 'drop', 'long', 'silence', 'crowd', 'everybody', 'shout', 'god', 'save', 'queen', 'edit', 'posted', 'whilst', 'high', 'title', 'post', 'part', 'joke', 'ellipsis', 'symbolise']","['king', 'france', 'nsfw']","['king', 'england', 'king', 'spain', 'argument', 'biggest', 'penis', 'eventually', 'decide', 'let', 'people', 'judge', 'stand', 'stage', 'front', 'people', 'drop', 'pant', 'one', 'one', 'king', 'france', 'drop', 'french', 'crowd', 'shout', 'viva', 'la', 'france', 'king', 'spain', 'drop', 'spanish', 'crowd', 'shout', 'viva', 'la', 'españa', 'king', 'england', 'drop', 'long', 'silence', 'crowd', 'everybody', 'shout', 'god', 'save', 'queen', 'edit', 'posted', 'whilst', 'high', 'title', 'post', 'part', 'joke', 'ellipsis', 'symbolise', 'king', 'france', 'nsfw']",62
"He replied, ""I still love Vista, baby"".
",3f05ye,8991,Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10.,"['replied', 'still', 'love', 'vista', 'baby']","['arnold', 'schwarzenegger', 'asked', 'wanted', 'upgrade', 'window']","['replied', 'still', 'love', 'vista', 'baby', 'arnold', 'schwarzenegger', 'asked', 'wanted', 'upgrade', 'window']",11
"And he thinks it is way too big, and he looks for ways to make it smaller. One day, he finds out about a witch in the woods who can solve his problem.

When he went to the witch, she told him to look for a frog by the stream and ask the frog to have sex with him. The frog will say no, and his penis will shrink by five inches.

He goes to the frog, and asks him, ""will you have sex with me?"" The frog said ""no!"" and his penis shrunk by five inches.

He thought this was great and asked again, ""will you have sex with me?"" The frog again said ""no!"" and his penis shrunk by five inches.

The man was very pleased and thought his penis was still a little too big. He decided to ask the frog one last time, ""will you have sex with me?""

""How many times do I have to tell you? No! No! No!""",4j66je,8972,A man has a 25 inch long penis,"['think', 'way', 'big', 'look', 'way', 'make', 'smaller', 'one', 'day', 'find', 'witch', 'wood', 'solve', 'problem', 'went', 'witch', 'told', 'look', 'frog', 'stream', 'ask', 'frog', 'sex', 'frog', 'say', 'penis', 'shrink', 'five', 'inch', 'go', 'frog', 'asks', 'sex', 'frog', 'said', 'penis', 'shrunk', 'five', 'inch', 'thought', 'great', 'asked', 'sex', 'frog', 'said', 'penis', 'shrunk', 'five', 'inch', 'man', 'pleased', 'thought', 'penis', 'still', 'little', 'big', 'decided', 'ask', 'frog', 'one', 'last', 'time', 'sex', 'many', 'time', 'tell']","['man', 'inch', 'long', 'penis']","['think', 'way', 'big', 'look', 'way', 'make', 'smaller', 'one', 'day', 'find', 'witch', 'wood', 'solve', 'problem', 'went', 'witch', 'told', 'look', 'frog', 'stream', 'ask', 'frog', 'sex', 'frog', 'say', 'penis', 'shrink', 'five', 'inch', 'go', 'frog', 'asks', 'sex', 'frog', 'said', 'penis', 'shrunk', 'five', 'inch', 'thought', 'great', 'asked', 'sex', 'frog', 'said', 'penis', 'shrunk', 'five', 'inch', 'man', 'pleased', 'thought', 'penis', 'still', 'little', 'big', 'decided', 'ask', 'frog', 'one', 'last', 'time', 'sex', 'many', 'time', 'tell', 'man', 'inch', 'long', 'penis']",70
Then I would be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined.,387r7w,8965,"You know, if I had a dollar for every time someone over fifty told me my generation sucks...","['would', 'able', 'afford', 'house', 'economy', 'ruined']","['know', 'dollar', 'every', 'time', 'someone', 'fifty', 'told', 'generation', 'suck']","['would', 'able', 'afford', 'house', 'economy', 'ruined', 'know', 'dollar', 'every', 'time', 'someone', 'fifty', 'told', 'generation', 'suck']",15
"After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river.

The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so well-known in the village, the locals gave him their position on the line, until he reaches the top of the line.

Looking ahead the doctor realizes that there is a donkey, he thinks: Wow, have sex with an animal? Poor people. And I cannot deny me now that they have so graciously ceded their positions.

Within fifteen minutes of having sex with the donkey, while all the men in the row watched, as he kissed her and bit her ears, one of them walks up to him and secretly ask him: Doctor, how long till you finish? We need the donkey to cross the river, there is a village with women there.
",5suhix,8959,"A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men.","['taking', 'bit', 'confidence', 'asks', 'one', 'patient', 'need', 'sex', 'patient', 'replied', 'went', 'river', 'weekend', 'came', 'doctor', 'went', 'river', 'huge', 'line', 'men', 'standing', 'shore', 'river', 'village', 'local', 'gave', 'position', 'line', 'reach', 'top', 'line', 'looking', 'ahead', 'doctor', 'realizes', 'donkey', 'think', 'wow', 'sex', 'animal', 'poor', 'people', 'deny', 'graciously', 'ceded', 'position', 'within', 'fifteen', 'minute', 'sex', 'donkey', 'men', 'row', 'watched', 'kissed', 'bit', 'ear', 'one', 'walk', 'secretly', 'ask', 'doctor', 'long', 'till', 'finish', 'need', 'donkey', 'cross', 'river', 'village', 'woman']","['newly', 'graduated', 'doctor', 'assigned', 'rural', 'area', 'day', 'realizes', 'woman', 'village', 'men']","['taking', 'bit', 'confidence', 'asks', 'one', 'patient', 'need', 'sex', 'patient', 'replied', 'went', 'river', 'weekend', 'came', 'doctor', 'went', 'river', 'huge', 'line', 'men', 'standing', 'shore', 'river', 'village', 'local', 'gave', 'position', 'line', 'reach', 'top', 'line', 'looking', 'ahead', 'doctor', 'realizes', 'donkey', 'think', 'wow', 'sex', 'animal', 'poor', 'people', 'deny', 'graciously', 'ceded', 'position', 'within', 'fifteen', 'minute', 'sex', 'donkey', 'men', 'row', 'watched', 'kissed', 'bit', 'ear', 'one', 'walk', 'secretly', 'ask', 'doctor', 'long', 'till', 'finish', 'need', 'donkey', 'cross', 'river', 'village', 'woman', 'newly', 'graduated', 'doctor', 'assigned', 'rural', 'area', 'day', 'realizes', 'woman', 'village', 'men']",82
"The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as ""Euro-English"". 

In the first year, ""s"" will replace the soft ""c"". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ""c"" will be dropped in favour of ""k"". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ""ph"" will be replaced with ""f"". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. 

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. 

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ""e"" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. 

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ""th"" with ""z"" and ""w"" with ""v"". 

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ""o"" kan be dropd from vords kontaining ""ou"" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. 

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. 

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.",481dps,8957,Should English be the only official language of the EU?,"['european', 'commission', 'announced', 'agreement', 'whereby', 'english', 'official', 'language', 'european', 'union', 'rather', 'german', 'possibility', 'part', 'negotiation', 'british', 'government', 'conceded', 'english', 'spelling', 'room', 'improvement', 'accepted', 'year', 'plan', 'would', 'become', 'known', 'first', 'year', 'replace', 'soft', 'c', 'sertainly', 'make', 'sivil', 'servant', 'jump', 'joy', 'hard', 'c', 'dropped', 'favour', 'k', 'klear', 'konfusion', 'keyboard', 'kan', 'one', 'le', 'letter', 'growing', 'publik', 'enthusiasm', 'sekond', 'year', 'troublesome', 'ph', 'replaced', 'f', 'make', 'word', 'like', 'fotograf', 'shorter', 'year', 'publik', 'akseptanse', 'new', 'spelling', 'kan', 'expekted', 'reach', 'stage', 'komplikated', 'change', 'possible', 'government', 'enkourage', 'removal', 'double', 'letter', 'always', 'ben', 'deterent', 'akurate', 'speling', 'also', 'al', 'wil', 'agre', 'horibl', 'me', 'silent', 'e', 'languag', 'disgrasful', 'go', 'away', 'yer', 'peopl', 'wil', 'reseptiv', 'step', 'replasing', 'th', 'z', 'w', 'v', 'ze', 'fifz', 'yer', 'ze', 'unesesary', 'kan', 'dropd', 'vords', 'kontaining', 'ou', 'ziz', 'fifz', 'yer', 'vil', 'hav', 'reil', 'sensi', 'bl', 'riten', 'styl', 'zer', 'vil', 'mor', 'trubl', 'difikultis', 'evrivun', 'vil', 'find', 'ezi', 'tu', 'understand', 'ech', 'oza', 'ze', 'drem', 'united', 'urop', 'vil', 'finali', 'kum', 'tru', 'und', 'efter', 'ze', 'fifz', 'yer', 'vil', 'al', 'speking', 'german', 'like', 'zey', 'vunted', 'ze', 'forst', 'plas']","['english', 'official', 'language', 'eu']","['european', 'commission', 'announced', 'agreement', 'whereby', 'english', 'official', 'language', 'european', 'union', 'rather', 'german', 'possibility', 'part', 'negotiation', 'british', 'government', 'conceded', 'english', 'spelling', 'room', 'improvement', 'accepted', 'year', 'plan', 'would', 'become', 'known', 'first', 'year', 'replace', 'soft', 'c', 'sertainly', 'make', 'sivil', 'servant', 'jump', 'joy', 'hard', 'c', 'dropped', 'favour', 'k', 'klear', 'konfusion', 'keyboard', 'kan', 'one', 'le', 'letter', 'growing', 'publik', 'enthusiasm', 'sekond', 'year', 'troublesome', 'ph', 'replaced', 'f', 'make', 'word', 'like', 'fotograf', 'shorter', 'year', 'publik', 'akseptanse', 'new', 'spelling', 'kan', 'expekted', 'reach', 'stage', 'komplikated', 'change', 'possible', 'government', 'enkourage', 'removal', 'double', 'letter', 'always', 'ben', 'deterent', 'akurate', 'speling', 'also', 'al', 'wil', 'agre', 'horibl', 'me', 'silent', 'e', 'languag', 'disgrasful', 'go', 'away', 'yer', 'peopl', 'wil', 'reseptiv', 'step', 'replasing', 'th', 'z', 'w', 'v', 'ze', 'fifz', 'yer', 'ze', 'unesesary', 'kan', 'dropd', 'vords', 'kontaining', 'ou', 'ziz', 'fifz', 'yer', 'vil', 'hav', 'reil', 'sensi', 'bl', 'riten', 'styl', 'zer', 'vil', 'mor', 'trubl', 'difikultis', 'evrivun', 'vil', 'find', 'ezi', 'tu', 'understand', 'ech', 'oza', 'ze', 'drem', 'united', 'urop', 'vil', 'finali', 'kum', 'tru', 'und', 'efter', 'ze', 'fifz', 'yer', 'vil', 'al', 'speking', 'german', 'like', 'zey', 'vunted', 'ze', 'forst', 'plas', 'english', 'official', 'language', 'eu']",169
"It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]",5qqk5w,8954,"I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.","['turn', 'already', 'making', 'overpriced', 'toy', 'asshole', 'obligatory', 'edit', 'top', 'submitted', 'post', 'butt', 'plug', 'wowza', 'also', 'thank', 'kind', 'redditor', 'gold', 'ca', 'believe', 'gilded', 'joke', 'sex', 'toy']","['tried', 'submit', 'patent', 'butt', 'plug', 'steve', 'job', 'beat']","['turn', 'already', 'making', 'overpriced', 'toy', 'asshole', 'obligatory', 'edit', 'top', 'submitted', 'post', 'butt', 'plug', 'wowza', 'also', 'thank', 'kind', 'redditor', 'gold', 'ca', 'believe', 'gilded', 'joke', 'sex', 'toy', 'tried', 'submit', 'patent', 'butt', 'plug', 'steve', 'job', 'beat']",33
"It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Edit: R.I.P My inbox",35edaq,8952,English is weird..,"['understood', 'tough', 'thorough', 'thought', 'though', 'edit', 'inbox']","['english', 'weird']","['understood', 'tough', 'thorough', 'thought', 'though', 'edit', 'inbox', 'english', 'weird']",9
after all those extra hours I put in.,4osu4v,8950,I've just been fired from the clock making factory,"['extra', 'hour', 'put']","['fired', 'clock', 'making', 'factory']","['extra', 'hour', 'put', 'fired', 'clock', 'making', 'factory']",7
"A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, ""I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.""

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. ""Is your bet still good?"" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, ""If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?""
The Irishman replies, ""Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.""",4estbo,8944,A Texan walks into an Irish bar...,"['texan', 'walk', 'pub', 'ireland', 'clear', 'voice', 'crowd', 'drinker', 'say', 'hear', 'irish', 'bunch', 'hard', 'drinker', 'give', 'american', 'dollar', 'anybody', 'drink', 'pint', 'guinness', 'back', 'back', 'room', 'quiet', 'one', 'take', 'texan', 'offer', 'one', 'man', 'even', 'leaf', 'thirty', 'minute', 'later', 'gentleman', 'left', 'show', 'back', 'tap', 'texan', 'shoulder', 'bet', 'still', 'good', 'asks', 'irishman', 'texan', 'say', 'yes', 'asks', 'bartender', 'line', 'pint', 'guinness', 'immediately', 'irishman', 'tear', 'pint', 'glass', 'drinking', 'back', 'back', 'pub', 'patron', 'cheer', 'texan', 'sits', 'amazement', 'texan', 'give', 'irishman', 'say', 'ya', 'mind', 'askin', 'go', 'minute', 'gone', 'irishman', 'reply', 'oh', 'go', 'pub', 'street', 'see', 'could', 'first']","['texan', 'walk', 'irish', 'bar']","['texan', 'walk', 'pub', 'ireland', 'clear', 'voice', 'crowd', 'drinker', 'say', 'hear', 'irish', 'bunch', 'hard', 'drinker', 'give', 'american', 'dollar', 'anybody', 'drink', 'pint', 'guinness', 'back', 'back', 'room', 'quiet', 'one', 'take', 'texan', 'offer', 'one', 'man', 'even', 'leaf', 'thirty', 'minute', 'later', 'gentleman', 'left', 'show', 'back', 'tap', 'texan', 'shoulder', 'bet', 'still', 'good', 'asks', 'irishman', 'texan', 'say', 'yes', 'asks', 'bartender', 'line', 'pint', 'guinness', 'immediately', 'irishman', 'tear', 'pint', 'glass', 'drinking', 'back', 'back', 'pub', 'patron', 'cheer', 'texan', 'sits', 'amazement', 'texan', 'give', 'irishman', 'say', 'ya', 'mind', 'askin', 'go', 'minute', 'gone', 'irishman', 'reply', 'oh', 'go', 'pub', 'street', 'see', 'could', 'first', 'texan', 'walk', 'irish', 'bar']",93
"Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: ""Don't!""

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: ""...""

Dad: ""HI GAY, I'M DAD""


Edit: Yay top of r/jokes, #lifegoals Also formatting",3z7ia9,8936,"Son: ""Mom, Dad, I'm gay.""","['mom', 'stare', 'dad', 'dad', 'clench', 'fist', 'mom', 'dad', 'sweat', 'profusely', 'mom', 'dad', 'hi', 'gay', 'dad', 'edit', 'yay', 'top', 'lifegoals', 'also', 'formatting']","['son', 'mom', 'dad', 'gay']","['mom', 'stare', 'dad', 'dad', 'clench', 'fist', 'mom', 'dad', 'sweat', 'profusely', 'mom', 'dad', 'hi', 'gay', 'dad', 'edit', 'yay', 'top', 'lifegoals', 'also', 'formatting', 'son', 'mom', 'dad', 'gay']",25
Because the sign says No Tres passing,4ym2cy,8928,Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?,"['sign', 'say', 'tres', 'passing']","['mexican', 'always', 'cross', 'border', 'two']","['sign', 'say', 'tres', 'passing', 'mexican', 'always', 'cross', 'border', 'two']",9
"The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. 
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the white house, and the best time would become president. 
Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes 24 minutes. 
Trump goes next and posts a time of 14 minutes 24 seconds. 
Hillary Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can in an effort to beat Trumps time. She finally crosses the finish line in just under 10 minutes. 
""Aha, that must be some kind of record!"" she exclaims. 

""I don't think so,"" says Obama, ""Bush did 9:11""",4pe443,8926,It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race,"['people', 'u', 'hated', 'candidate', 'much', 'one', 'voted', 'government', 'panic', 'trying', 'figure', 'decide', 'next', 'president', 'finally', 'barack', 'obama', 'come', 'idea', 'literal', 'presidential', 'race', 'three', 'candidate', 'would', 'run', 'lap', 'around', 'white', 'house', 'best', 'time', 'would', 'become', 'president', 'bernie', 'sander', 'go', 'first', 'old', 'take', 'minute', 'trump', 'go', 'next', 'post', 'time', 'minute', 'second', 'hillary', 'clinton', 'go', 'last', 'running', 'fast', 'effort', 'beat', 'trump', 'time', 'finally', 'cross', 'finish', 'line', 'minute', 'aha', 'must', 'kind', 'record', 'exclaims', 'think', 'say', 'obama', 'bush']","['end', 'presidential', 'race']","['people', 'u', 'hated', 'candidate', 'much', 'one', 'voted', 'government', 'panic', 'trying', 'figure', 'decide', 'next', 'president', 'finally', 'barack', 'obama', 'come', 'idea', 'literal', 'presidential', 'race', 'three', 'candidate', 'would', 'run', 'lap', 'around', 'white', 'house', 'best', 'time', 'would', 'become', 'president', 'bernie', 'sander', 'go', 'first', 'old', 'take', 'minute', 'trump', 'go', 'next', 'post', 'time', 'minute', 'second', 'hillary', 'clinton', 'go', 'last', 'running', 'fast', 'effort', 'beat', 'trump', 'time', 'finally', 'cross', 'finish', 'line', 'minute', 'aha', 'must', 'kind', 'record', 'exclaims', 'think', 'say', 'obama', 'bush', 'end', 'presidential', 'race']",76
unless everyone gets them,42cs0m,8914,Communist jokes are not funny...,"['unless', 'everyone', 'get']","['communist', 'joke', 'funny']","['unless', 'everyone', 'get', 'communist', 'joke', 'funny']",6
"An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'",2phow9,8882,Blonde Joke,"['old', 'blind', 'cowboy', 'wanders', 'biker', 'bar', 'mistake', 'find', 'way', 'bar', 'stool', 'order', 'shot', 'jack', 'daniel', 'sitting', 'yell', 'bartender', 'wan', 'na', 'hear', 'blonde', 'joke', 'bar', 'immediately', 'fall', 'absolutely', 'silent', 'deep', 'husky', 'voice', 'woman', 'next', 'say', 'tell', 'joke', 'cowboy', 'think', 'fair', 'given', 'blind', 'know', 'five', 'thing', 'bartender', 'blonde', 'girl', 'baseball', 'bat', 'bouncer', 'blonde', 'girl', 'tall', 'blonde', 'woman', 'black', 'belt', 'karate', 'woman', 'sitting', 'next', 'blonde', 'professional', 'weight', 'lifter', 'lady', 'right', 'blonde', 'professional', 'wrestler', 'think', 'seriously', 'cowboy', 'still', 'wan', 'na', 'tell', 'blonde', 'joke', 'blind', 'cowboy', 'think', 'second', 'shake', 'head', 'mutter', 'gon', 'na', 'explain', 'five', 'time']","['blonde', 'joke']","['old', 'blind', 'cowboy', 'wanders', 'biker', 'bar', 'mistake', 'find', 'way', 'bar', 'stool', 'order', 'shot', 'jack', 'daniel', 'sitting', 'yell', 'bartender', 'wan', 'na', 'hear', 'blonde', 'joke', 'bar', 'immediately', 'fall', 'absolutely', 'silent', 'deep', 'husky', 'voice', 'woman', 'next', 'say', 'tell', 'joke', 'cowboy', 'think', 'fair', 'given', 'blind', 'know', 'five', 'thing', 'bartender', 'blonde', 'girl', 'baseball', 'bat', 'bouncer', 'blonde', 'girl', 'tall', 'blonde', 'woman', 'black', 'belt', 'karate', 'woman', 'sitting', 'next', 'blonde', 'professional', 'weight', 'lifter', 'lady', 'right', 'blonde', 'professional', 'wrestler', 'think', 'seriously', 'cowboy', 'still', 'wan', 'na', 'tell', 'blonde', 'joke', 'blind', 'cowboy', 'think', 'second', 'shake', 'head', 'mutter', 'gon', 'na', 'explain', 'five', 'time', 'blonde', 'joke']",93
"..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

Edit: My first gold! Thank you kind stranger.",456qj9,8863,If the number 666 is considered evil,"['root', 'evil', 'edit', 'first', 'gold', 'thank', 'kind', 'stranger']","['number', 'considered', 'evil']","['root', 'evil', 'edit', 'first', 'gold', 'thank', 'kind', 'stranger', 'number', 'considered', 'evil']",11
"When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.

It went like this:

ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new

Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...

ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen

Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?

ABC: That's a granted.

Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?

ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?

Timmy: Are meals subsidized?

ABC: You BET.

Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?

ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.

Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?

ABC: Yes. Absolutely.

Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?

After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.

To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.

edit:Thank you stranger for the gold :).",4uzvv0,8837,The difference between before/after getting hired,"['timmy', 'went', 'interview', 'abc', 'company', 'hired', 'brief', 'interview', 'little', 'skeptical', 'first', 'timmy', 'asked', 'company', 'representative', 'question', 'went', 'like', 'abc', 'trust', 'company', 'could', 'really', 'use', 'someone', 'new', 'timmy', 'much', 'work', 'going', 'quit', 'abc', 'never', 'let', 'something', 'like', 'happen', 'timmy', 'employee', 'get', 'every', 'saturday', 'sunday', 'abc', 'granted', 'timmy', 'employee', 'required', 'work', 'overtime', 'without', 'pay', 'abc', 'way', 'even', 'come', 'ridiculous', 'idea', 'timmy', 'meal', 'subsidized', 'abc', 'bet', 'timmy', 'new', 'employee', 'usually', 'end', 'work', 'abc', 'impossible', 'many', 'experienced', 'people', 'company', 'timmy', 'well', 'would', 'ever', 'become', 'manager', 'abc', 'yes', 'absolutely', 'timmy', 'wow', 'real', 'working', 'several', 'month', 'timmy', 'noticed', 'job', 'panning', 'way', 'promised', 'quite', 'upset', 'went', 'file', 'complaint', 'hr', 'dept', 'next', 'day', 'timmy', 'summoned', 'management', 'office', 'threatened', 'fire', 'voicing', 'see', 'conversation', 'management', 'read', 'conversation', 'bottom', 'top', 'edit', 'thank', 'stranger', 'gold']","['difference', 'getting', 'hired']","['timmy', 'went', 'interview', 'abc', 'company', 'hired', 'brief', 'interview', 'little', 'skeptical', 'first', 'timmy', 'asked', 'company', 'representative', 'question', 'went', 'like', 'abc', 'trust', 'company', 'could', 'really', 'use', 'someone', 'new', 'timmy', 'much', 'work', 'going', 'quit', 'abc', 'never', 'let', 'something', 'like', 'happen', 'timmy', 'employee', 'get', 'every', 'saturday', 'sunday', 'abc', 'granted', 'timmy', 'employee', 'required', 'work', 'overtime', 'without', 'pay', 'abc', 'way', 'even', 'come', 'ridiculous', 'idea', 'timmy', 'meal', 'subsidized', 'abc', 'bet', 'timmy', 'new', 'employee', 'usually', 'end', 'work', 'abc', 'impossible', 'many', 'experienced', 'people', 'company', 'timmy', 'well', 'would', 'ever', 'become', 'manager', 'abc', 'yes', 'absolutely', 'timmy', 'wow', 'real', 'working', 'several', 'month', 'timmy', 'noticed', 'job', 'panning', 'way', 'promised', 'quite', 'upset', 'went', 'file', 'complaint', 'hr', 'dept', 'next', 'day', 'timmy', 'summoned', 'management', 'office', 'threatened', 'fire', 'voicing', 'see', 'conversation', 'management', 'read', 'conversation', 'bottom', 'top', 'edit', 'thank', 'stranger', 'gold', 'difference', 'getting', 'hired']",126
"...And sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. ""Can I help you?"" she asks. ""I was wondering,"" whispers the man. ""Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"" ""Yes,"" she purrs. ""I am."" The man replies, ""Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.""",3jwlxm,8809,A guy walks into a pub...,"['see', 'sign', 'hanging', 'bar', 'read', 'cheeseburger', 'chicken', 'sandwich', 'hand', 'job', 'walk', 'bar', 'beckons', 'one', 'three', 'exceptionally', 'attractive', 'blonde', 'serving', 'drink', 'help', 'asks', 'wondering', 'whisper', 'man', 'one', 'give', 'hand', 'job', 'yes', 'purr', 'man', 'reply', 'well', 'wash', 'hand', 'want', 'cheeseburger']","['guy', 'walk', 'pub']","['see', 'sign', 'hanging', 'bar', 'read', 'cheeseburger', 'chicken', 'sandwich', 'hand', 'job', 'walk', 'bar', 'beckons', 'one', 'three', 'exceptionally', 'attractive', 'blonde', 'serving', 'drink', 'help', 'asks', 'wondering', 'whisper', 'man', 'one', 'give', 'hand', 'job', 'yes', 'purr', 'man', 'reply', 'well', 'wash', 'hand', 'want', 'cheeseburger', 'guy', 'walk', 'pub']",41
He was in the middle of 9/11.,3haaho,8805,Why did 10 die?,['middle'],['die'],"['middle', 'die']",2
"They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

 One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

 As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

 Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: ""One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.""

 He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest

 ""Father, please come with me . Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery""

 They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: ""One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.""

 Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said:
 ""What about the two at the gate?""",3q0s4g,8795,Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...,"['decided', 'go', 'quiet', 'place', 'share', 'lot', 'equally', 'one', 'suggested', 'nearby', 'cemetery', 'jumping', 'gate', 'enter', 'cemetery', 'two', 'orange', 'fell', 'big', 'bag', 'bother', 'pick', 'since', 'enough', 'bag', 'minute', 'later', 'drunkard', 'way', 'bar', 'passed', 'near', 'cemetery', 'gate', 'heard', 'voice', 'saying', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'immediately', 'sobered', 'ran', 'fast', 'could', 'church', 'nearby', 'priest', 'father', 'please', 'come', 'come', 'witness', 'god', 'satan', 'sharing', 'corps', 'cemetery', 'ran', 'back', 'cemetery', 'gate', 'voice', 'continued', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'suddenly', 'voice', 'stopped', 'counting', 'said', 'two', 'gate']","['two', 'little', 'boy', 'stole', 'big', 'bag', 'orange', 'neighbor']","['decided', 'go', 'quiet', 'place', 'share', 'lot', 'equally', 'one', 'suggested', 'nearby', 'cemetery', 'jumping', 'gate', 'enter', 'cemetery', 'two', 'orange', 'fell', 'big', 'bag', 'bother', 'pick', 'since', 'enough', 'bag', 'minute', 'later', 'drunkard', 'way', 'bar', 'passed', 'near', 'cemetery', 'gate', 'heard', 'voice', 'saying', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'immediately', 'sobered', 'ran', 'fast', 'could', 'church', 'nearby', 'priest', 'father', 'please', 'come', 'come', 'witness', 'god', 'satan', 'sharing', 'corps', 'cemetery', 'ran', 'back', 'cemetery', 'gate', 'voice', 'continued', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'one', 'suddenly', 'voice', 'stopped', 'counting', 'said', 'two', 'gate', 'two', 'little', 'boy', 'stole', 'big', 'bag', 'orange', 'neighbor']",88
"A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.     
The Doctor asks: ""What's the problem?     
The woman says: ""Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.""    
The Doctor says: ""I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”    
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.    
The woman says: ""Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?""    
The Doctor says: ""The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"".",3gh5p1,8791,Temper cure...,"['woman', 'go', 'doctor', 'worried', 'husband', 'temper', 'doctor', 'asks', 'problem', 'woman', 'say', 'doctor', 'know', 'every', 'day', 'husband', 'seems', 'lose', 'temper', 'reason', 'scare', 'doctor', 'say', 'cure', 'seems', 'husband', 'getting', 'angry', 'take', 'glass', 'water', 'start', 'swishing', 'mouth', 'swish', 'swish', 'swallow', 'either', 'leaf', 'room', 'calm', 'two', 'week', 'later', 'woman', 'come', 'back', 'doctor', 'looking', 'fresh', 'reborn', 'woman', 'say', 'doctor', 'brilliant', 'idea', 'every', 'time', 'husband', 'started', 'losing', 'swished', 'water', 'swished', 'swished', 'calmed', 'right', 'glass', 'water', 'doctor', 'say', 'water', 'nothing', 'keeping', 'mouth', 'shut', 'trick']","['temper', 'cure']","['woman', 'go', 'doctor', 'worried', 'husband', 'temper', 'doctor', 'asks', 'problem', 'woman', 'say', 'doctor', 'know', 'every', 'day', 'husband', 'seems', 'lose', 'temper', 'reason', 'scare', 'doctor', 'say', 'cure', 'seems', 'husband', 'getting', 'angry', 'take', 'glass', 'water', 'start', 'swishing', 'mouth', 'swish', 'swish', 'swallow', 'either', 'leaf', 'room', 'calm', 'two', 'week', 'later', 'woman', 'come', 'back', 'doctor', 'looking', 'fresh', 'reborn', 'woman', 'say', 'doctor', 'brilliant', 'idea', 'every', 'time', 'husband', 'started', 'losing', 'swished', 'water', 'swished', 'swished', 'calmed', 'right', 'glass', 'water', 'doctor', 'say', 'water', 'nothing', 'keeping', 'mouth', 'shut', 'trick', 'temper', 'cure']",79
"Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton ""disgusting"" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.

 

Edit: Thanks to everyone that found this joke funny. To all those I offended: Stop being offended by jokes on the internet ;) MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

 

Edit: Spelling",3y4sul,8785,Donald Trump,"['donald', 'trump', 'labelled', 'hillary', 'clinton', 'disgusting', 'taking', 'bathroom', 'break', 'debate', 'trump', 'never', 'go', 'bathroom', 'shit', 'come', 'straight', 'mouth', 'nbsp', 'edit', 'thanks', 'everyone', 'found', 'joke', 'funny', 'offended', 'stop', 'offended', 'joke', 'internet', 'merry', 'christmas', 'everyone', 'nbsp', 'edit', 'spelling']","['donald', 'trump']","['donald', 'trump', 'labelled', 'hillary', 'clinton', 'disgusting', 'taking', 'bathroom', 'break', 'debate', 'trump', 'never', 'go', 'bathroom', 'shit', 'come', 'straight', 'mouth', 'nbsp', 'edit', 'thanks', 'everyone', 'found', 'joke', 'funny', 'offended', 'stop', 'offended', 'joke', 'internet', 'merry', 'christmas', 'everyone', 'nbsp', 'edit', 'spelling', 'donald', 'trump']",38
"I've entered my sister...


",4k0ws9,8756,My city is holding their annual incest competition...,"['entered', 'sister']","['city', 'holding', 'annual', 'incest', 'competition']","['entered', 'sister', 'city', 'holding', 'annual', 'incest', 'competition']",7
Then the librarian told me to take it out.,2hoygf,8745,My penis was in the Guinness book of world records...,"['librarian', 'told', 'take']","['penis', 'guinness', 'book', 'world', 'record']","['librarian', 'told', 'take', 'penis', 'guinness', 'book', 'world', 'record']",8
Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.,41p1ns,8744,Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?,"['could', 'find', 'droid', 'looking']","['stormtrooper', 'buy', 'iphone']","['could', 'find', 'droid', 'looking', 'stormtrooper', 'buy', 'iphone']",7
"A man was stopped by the police around 2 am.  The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. 
  
The man replied, ""I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."" 
  
The officer then asked, ""Really?  Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"" 
  
The man replied, ""That would be my wife.""",2rpd4f,8723,A man gets pulled over by the police...,"['man', 'stopped', 'police', 'around', 'officer', 'asked', 'going', 'time', 'night', 'man', 'replied', 'way', 'lecture', 'alcohol', 'abuse', 'effect', 'human', 'body', 'well', 'smoking', 'staying', 'late', 'officer', 'asked', 'really', 'giving', 'lecture', 'time', 'night', 'man', 'replied', 'would', 'wife']","['man', 'get', 'pulled', 'police']","['man', 'stopped', 'police', 'around', 'officer', 'asked', 'going', 'time', 'night', 'man', 'replied', 'way', 'lecture', 'alcohol', 'abuse', 'effect', 'human', 'body', 'well', 'smoking', 'staying', 'late', 'officer', 'asked', 'really', 'giving', 'lecture', 'time', 'night', 'man', 'replied', 'would', 'wife', 'man', 'get', 'pulled', 'police']",37
"Plagiarism.

--- 

EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you. 
",43jk9a,8722,I invented a new word.,"['plagiarism', 'edit', 'joke', 'invented', 'copyrighted', 'dare', 'take', 'lawsuit', 'shall', 'find']","['invented', 'new', 'word']","['plagiarism', 'edit', 'joke', 'invented', 'copyrighted', 'dare', 'take', 'lawsuit', 'shall', 'find', 'invented', 'new', 'word']",13
not every one gets it.,2jqk02,8715,Food is like dark humor,"['every', 'one', 'get']","['food', 'like', 'dark', 'humor']","['every', 'one', 'get', 'food', 'like', 'dark', 'humor']",7
"- comedy removed due to complaints - 
",3n7vdt,8697,A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar.,"['comedy', 'removed', 'due', 'complaint']","['feminist', 'muslim', 'walk', 'bar']","['comedy', 'removed', 'due', 'complaint', 'feminist', 'muslim', 'walk', 'bar']",8
But I couldn't find a manual.,3098tw,8680,I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.,"['could', 'find', 'manual']","['wanted', 'learn', 'drive', 'stick', 'shift']","['could', 'find', 'manual', 'wanted', 'learn', 'drive', 'stick', 'shift']",8
A seasoned veteran. ,4q6nrx,8663,"A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he?","['seasoned', 'veteran']","['soldier', 'survived', 'mustard', 'gas', 'battle', 'pepper', 'spray', 'police', 'type', 'veteran']","['seasoned', 'veteran', 'soldier', 'survived', 'mustard', 'gas', 'battle', 'pepper', 'spray', 'police', 'type', 'veteran']",12
"A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided
to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was ""work""
and how much of it was ""pleasure?""

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who
was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without  any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, ""Sir, it
has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

""Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing
it for them.""

The room fell silent",362bqf,8659,A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff..,"['marine', 'colonel', 'start', 'morning', 'briefing', 'staff', 'waiting', 'coffee', 'machine', 'finish', 'brewing', 'colonel', 'decided', 'pose', 'question', 'assembled', 'explained', 'wife', 'bit', 'frisky', 'night', 'failed', 'get', 'usual', 'amount', 'sound', 'sleep', 'posed', 'question', 'much', 'sex', 'work', 'much', 'pleasure', 'major', 'chimed', 'favor', 'work', 'captain', 'said', 'lieutenant', 'responded', 'favor', 'pleasure', 'depending', 'upon', 'state', 'inebriation', 'time', 'consensus', 'colonel', 'turned', 'private', 'first', 'class', 'charge', 'making', 'coffee', 'asked', 'opinion', 'without', 'hesitation', 'young', 'private', 'first', 'class', 'responded', 'sir', 'pleasure', 'colonel', 'surprised', 'might', 'guess', 'asked', 'well', 'sir', 'work', 'involved', 'officer', 'would', 'room', 'fell', 'silent']","['marine', 'colonel', 'start', 'morning', 'briefing', 'staff']","['marine', 'colonel', 'start', 'morning', 'briefing', 'staff', 'waiting', 'coffee', 'machine', 'finish', 'brewing', 'colonel', 'decided', 'pose', 'question', 'assembled', 'explained', 'wife', 'bit', 'frisky', 'night', 'failed', 'get', 'usual', 'amount', 'sound', 'sleep', 'posed', 'question', 'much', 'sex', 'work', 'much', 'pleasure', 'major', 'chimed', 'favor', 'work', 'captain', 'said', 'lieutenant', 'responded', 'favor', 'pleasure', 'depending', 'upon', 'state', 'inebriation', 'time', 'consensus', 'colonel', 'turned', 'private', 'first', 'class', 'charge', 'making', 'coffee', 'asked', 'opinion', 'without', 'hesitation', 'young', 'private', 'first', 'class', 'responded', 'sir', 'pleasure', 'colonel', 'surprised', 'might', 'guess', 'asked', 'well', 'sir', 'work', 'involved', 'officer', 'would', 'room', 'fell', 'silent', 'marine', 'colonel', 'start', 'morning', 'briefing', 'staff']",89
Without looking like a twat,34mgc2,8657,TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time,"['without', 'looking', 'like', 'twat']","['til', 'impossible', 'stick', 'tongue', 'look', 'time']","['without', 'looking', 'like', 'twat', 'til', 'impossible', 'stick', 'tongue', 'look', 'time']",10
"I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. 

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick ""Hello Chris"" at me when I was with my client. 

He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, ""Hi Chris, what's happening?"" To which I replied:

""Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting."" ",2d4zfx,8647,Bill Gates in an airport lounge,"['vip', 'lounge', 'last', 'week', 'en', 'route', 'seattle', 'whilst', 'lounge', 'noticed', 'bill', 'gate', 'sitting', 'chesterfield', 'enjoying', 'cognac', 'meeting', 'important', 'client', 'also', 'flying', 'seattle', 'running', 'bit', 'late', 'forward', 'type', 'guy', 'approached', 'gate', 'introduced', 'explained', 'conducting', 'important', 'business', 'would', 'appreciate', 'could', 'throw', 'quick', 'hello', 'chris', 'client', 'agreed', 'ten', 'minute', 'later', 'conversing', 'client', 'felt', 'tap', 'shoulder', 'bill', 'gate', 'turned', 'around', 'looked', 'said', 'hi', 'chris', 'happening', 'replied', 'fuck', 'gate', 'meeting']","['bill', 'gate', 'airport', 'lounge']","['vip', 'lounge', 'last', 'week', 'en', 'route', 'seattle', 'whilst', 'lounge', 'noticed', 'bill', 'gate', 'sitting', 'chesterfield', 'enjoying', 'cognac', 'meeting', 'important', 'client', 'also', 'flying', 'seattle', 'running', 'bit', 'late', 'forward', 'type', 'guy', 'approached', 'gate', 'introduced', 'explained', 'conducting', 'important', 'business', 'would', 'appreciate', 'could', 'throw', 'quick', 'hello', 'chris', 'client', 'agreed', 'ten', 'minute', 'later', 'conversing', 'client', 'felt', 'tap', 'shoulder', 'bill', 'gate', 'turned', 'around', 'looked', 'said', 'hi', 'chris', 'happening', 'replied', 'fuck', 'gate', 'meeting', 'bill', 'gate', 'airport', 'lounge']",69
"...""Well I'm your man"" I replied,""In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible""",4ucvkk,8640,"I went for a job interview today and the manager said,""We're looking for someone who is responsible""","['well', 'man', 'replied', 'last', 'job', 'whenever', 'anything', 'went', 'wrong', 'said', 'responsible']","['went', 'job', 'interview', 'today', 'manager', 'said', 'looking', 'someone', 'responsible']","['well', 'man', 'replied', 'last', 'job', 'whenever', 'anything', 'went', 'wrong', 'said', 'responsible', 'went', 'job', 'interview', 'today', 'manager', 'said', 'looking', 'someone', 'responsible']",20
I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber,496u0p,8637,My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs..,"['customer', 'year', 'idea', 'barber']","['neighborhood', 'barber', 'got', 'arrested', 'selling', 'drug']","['customer', 'year', 'idea', 'barber', 'neighborhood', 'barber', 'got', 'arrested', 'selling', 'drug']",10
"She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, ""Does anyone know what this is?""

And little Johnny says, ""Yes, my dad has 2 of them!""

And the teacher says, ""Are you sure about that?""

And little Johnny says, ""Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth.""
",3mtyfk,8635,A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class...,"['start', 'drawing', 'penis', 'chalk', 'board', 'asks', 'class', 'anyone', 'know', 'little', 'johnny', 'say', 'yes', 'dad', 'teacher', 'say', 'sure', 'little', 'johnny', 'say', 'yes', 'us', 'small', 'skinny', 'one', 'go', 'bathroom', 'big', 'long', 'one', 'brush', 'babysitter', 'teeth']","['grade', 'teacher', 'decides', 'teach', 'sex', 'ed', 'class']","['start', 'drawing', 'penis', 'chalk', 'board', 'asks', 'class', 'anyone', 'know', 'little', 'johnny', 'say', 'yes', 'dad', 'teacher', 'say', 'sure', 'little', 'johnny', 'say', 'yes', 'us', 'small', 'skinny', 'one', 'go', 'bathroom', 'big', 'long', 'one', 'brush', 'babysitter', 'teeth', 'grade', 'teacher', 'decides', 'teach', 'sex', 'ed', 'class']",40
...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.,3t5z8o,8624,With all the negativity in the world today...,"['least', 'charlie', 'sheen', 'staying', 'positive']","['negativity', 'world', 'today']","['least', 'charlie', 'sheen', 'staying', 'positive', 'negativity', 'world', 'today']",8
"And says to the Maitre'd ""Table for 26 please""

Confused,  the Maitre'd does a quick head count,  and says ""But there are only 13 of you.""

Jesus replies ""Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side""",3x8jqh,8623,Jesus walks into a restaurant...,"['say', 'maitre', 'table', 'please', 'confused', 'maitre', 'quick', 'head', 'count', 'say', 'jesus', 'reply', 'yes', 'going', 'sit', 'side']","['jesus', 'walk', 'restaurant']","['say', 'maitre', 'table', 'please', 'confused', 'maitre', 'quick', 'head', 'count', 'say', 'jesus', 'reply', 'yes', 'going', 'sit', 'side', 'jesus', 'walk', 'restaurant']",19
I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.,43dwjg,8619,9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...,['glad'],"['american', 'stupid']","['glad', 'american', 'stupid']",3
"A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. 
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. 

 

What are you doing?"" she exclaimed. 

 

The daughter replied, ""I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.""

 

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. 
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. 

 

""What are you doing?"" he exclaimed.

 

The daughter replied, ""I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.""

 
 
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. 
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

 

""What are you doing?"" she exclaimed. 

 

He replied............""Watching the game with my son-in-law.""",406q64,8589,Daughter's vibrator,"['mother', 'walking', 'hall', 'heard', 'humming', 'sound', 'coming', 'daughter', 'bedroom', 'opened', 'door', 'found', 'daughter', 'naked', 'bed', 'vibrator', 'nbsp', 'exclaimed', 'nbsp', 'daughter', 'replied', 'still', 'living', 'home', 'parent', 'closest', 'ever', 'get', 'husband', 'nbsp', 'later', 'week', 'father', 'kitchen', 'heard', 'humming', 'sound', 'coming', 'basement', 'went', 'downstairs', 'found', 'daughter', 'naked', 'sofa', 'vibrator', 'nbsp', 'exclaimed', 'nbsp', 'daughter', 'replied', 'still', 'living', 'home', 'parent', 'closest', 'ever', 'get', 'husband', 'nbsp', 'couple', 'day', 'later', 'mother', 'heard', 'humming', 'sound', 'time', 'living', 'room', 'found', 'husband', 'watching', 'super', 'bowl', 'television', 'vibrator', 'buzzing', 'away', 'beside', 'nbsp', 'exclaimed', 'nbsp', 'replied', 'watching', 'game']","['daughter', 'vibrator']","['mother', 'walking', 'hall', 'heard', 'humming', 'sound', 'coming', 'daughter', 'bedroom', 'opened', 'door', 'found', 'daughter', 'naked', 'bed', 'vibrator', 'nbsp', 'exclaimed', 'nbsp', 'daughter', 'replied', 'still', 'living', 'home', 'parent', 'closest', 'ever', 'get', 'husband', 'nbsp', 'later', 'week', 'father', 'kitchen', 'heard', 'humming', 'sound', 'coming', 'basement', 'went', 'downstairs', 'found', 'daughter', 'naked', 'sofa', 'vibrator', 'nbsp', 'exclaimed', 'nbsp', 'daughter', 'replied', 'still', 'living', 'home', 'parent', 'closest', 'ever', 'get', 'husband', 'nbsp', 'couple', 'day', 'later', 'mother', 'heard', 'humming', 'sound', 'time', 'living', 'room', 'found', 'husband', 'watching', 'super', 'bowl', 'television', 'vibrator', 'buzzing', 'away', 'beside', 'nbsp', 'exclaimed', 'nbsp', 'replied', 'watching', 'game', 'daughter', 'vibrator']",88
You could say they are going toupée for it. ,3khkw1,8588,America is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president.,"['could', 'say', 'going', 'toupée']","['america', 'going', 'suffer', 'donald', 'trump', 'becomes', 'president']","['could', 'say', 'going', 'toupée', 'america', 'going', 'suffer', 'donald', 'trump', 'becomes', 'president']",11
"When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said

""NOTHING""",2u9n6x,8574,I got pulled over by a female cop...,"['rolled', 'window', 'ask', 'wrong', 'said', 'nothing']","['got', 'pulled', 'female', 'cop']","['rolled', 'window', 'ask', 'wrong', 'said', 'nothing', 'got', 'pulled', 'female', 'cop']",10
"I wish I could post it in another subreddit

Edit: Thanks for gold :D",3odlum,8567,Today a girl kissed me,"['wish', 'could', 'post', 'another', 'subreddit', 'edit', 'thanks', 'gold']","['today', 'girl', 'kissed']","['wish', 'could', 'post', 'another', 'subreddit', 'edit', 'thanks', 'gold', 'today', 'girl', 'kissed']",11
"One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. 

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: ""Why so glum?""

Guy: ""What do you think? I'm in hell!""

Satan: ""Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?""

Guy: ""Sure, I love to drink.""

Satan: ""Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.""

Guy: ""Gee that sounds great!""

Satan: ""You a smoker?""

Guy: ""You better believe it!""

Satan: ""All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?""

Guy: ""Wow...that's awesome!""

Satan: ""I bet you like to gamble.""

Guy: ""Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.""

Satan: ""Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.""

Guy: ""Cool!""

Satan: ""What about Drugs?""

Guy: ""Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?""

Satan: ""That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.""

Guy: ""Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!""

Satan: ""You gay?""

Guy: ""No...""

Satan: ""Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough...""",3bbsuh,8558,One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.,"['one', 'day', 'guy', 'dy', 'find', 'hell', 'wallowing', 'despair', 'first', 'meeting', 'devil', 'satan', 'glum', 'guy', 'think', 'hell', 'satan', 'hell', 'bad', 'actually', 'lot', 'fun', 'drinking', 'man', 'guy', 'sure', 'love', 'drink', 'satan', 'well', 'gon', 'na', 'love', 'monday', 'monday', 'drink', 'whiskey', 'tequila', 'guinness', 'wine', 'cooler', 'tab', 'fresca', 'drink', 'throw', 'drink', 'worry', 'getting', 'hangover', 'dead', 'anyway', 'guy', 'gee', 'sound', 'great', 'satan', 'smoker', 'guy', 'better', 'believe', 'satan', 'right', 'gon', 'na', 'love', 'tuesday', 'get', 'finest', 'cigar', 'world', 'smoke', 'lung', 'get', 'cancer', 'biggie', 'already', 'dead', 'remember', 'guy', 'wow', 'awesome', 'satan', 'bet', 'like', 'gamble', 'guy', 'yes', 'matter', 'fact', 'satan', 'good', 'wednesday', 'gamble', 'want', 'crap', 'blackjack', 'roulette', 'poker', 'slot', 'whatever', 'go', 'bankrupt', 'matter', 'dead', 'anyhow', 'guy', 'cool', 'satan', 'drug', 'guy', 'kidding', 'love', 'drug', 'mean', 'satan', 'right', 'thursday', 'drug', 'day', 'help', 'great', 'bigbowl', 'crack', 'smack', 'smoke', 'doobie', 'size', 'drug', 'want', 'dead', 'care', 'guy', 'wow', 'never', 'realized', 'hell', 'cool', 'place', 'satan', 'gay', 'guy', 'satan', 'ooooh', 'friday', 'gon', 'na', 'tough']","['one', 'day', 'guy', 'dy', 'find', 'hell']","['one', 'day', 'guy', 'dy', 'find', 'hell', 'wallowing', 'despair', 'first', 'meeting', 'devil', 'satan', 'glum', 'guy', 'think', 'hell', 'satan', 'hell', 'bad', 'actually', 'lot', 'fun', 'drinking', 'man', 'guy', 'sure', 'love', 'drink', 'satan', 'well', 'gon', 'na', 'love', 'monday', 'monday', 'drink', 'whiskey', 'tequila', 'guinness', 'wine', 'cooler', 'tab', 'fresca', 'drink', 'throw', 'drink', 'worry', 'getting', 'hangover', 'dead', 'anyway', 'guy', 'gee', 'sound', 'great', 'satan', 'smoker', 'guy', 'better', 'believe', 'satan', 'right', 'gon', 'na', 'love', 'tuesday', 'get', 'finest', 'cigar', 'world', 'smoke', 'lung', 'get', 'cancer', 'biggie', 'already', 'dead', 'remember', 'guy', 'wow', 'awesome', 'satan', 'bet', 'like', 'gamble', 'guy', 'yes', 'matter', 'fact', 'satan', 'good', 'wednesday', 'gamble', 'want', 'crap', 'blackjack', 'roulette', 'poker', 'slot', 'whatever', 'go', 'bankrupt', 'matter', 'dead', 'anyhow', 'guy', 'cool', 'satan', 'drug', 'guy', 'kidding', 'love', 'drug', 'mean', 'satan', 'right', 'thursday', 'drug', 'day', 'help', 'great', 'bigbowl', 'crack', 'smack', 'smoke', 'doobie', 'size', 'drug', 'want', 'dead', 'care', 'guy', 'wow', 'never', 'realized', 'hell', 'cool', 'place', 'satan', 'gay', 'guy', 'satan', 'ooooh', 'friday', 'gon', 'na', 'tough', 'one', 'day', 'guy', 'dy', 'find', 'hell']",153
The Spanish Inquisition.,476u7p,8558,Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?,"['spanish', 'inquisition']","['wear', 'red', 'suit', 'know', 'naughty', 'nice']","['spanish', 'inquisition', 'wear', 'red', 'suit', 'know', 'naughty', 'nice']",8
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture,4gtli4,8556,What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?,"['year', 'milk', 'developed', 'culture']","['difference', 'america', 'bottle', 'milk']","['year', 'milk', 'developed', 'culture', 'difference', 'america', 'bottle', 'milk']",8
They did unspeakable things to me,4e62ah,8556,I was raped by a group of mimes,"['unspeakable', 'thing']","['raped', 'group', 'mime']","['unspeakable', 'thing', 'raped', 'group', 'mime']",5
"I hope.  



Edit: Guys I'm so confused, wtf is going on",4csixa,8547,Dads are like boomerangs....,"['hope', 'edit', 'guy', 'confused', 'wtf', 'going']","['dad', 'like', 'boomerang']","['hope', 'edit', 'guy', 'confused', 'wtf', 'going', 'dad', 'like', 'boomerang']",9
"Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.",4s83lx,8540,Give a man a plane ticket...,"['give', 'man', 'plane', 'ticket', 'fly', 'day', 'push', 'man', 'plane', 'fly', 'rest', 'life']","['give', 'man', 'plane', 'ticket']","['give', 'man', 'plane', 'ticket', 'fly', 'day', 'push', 'man', 'plane', 'fly', 'rest', 'life', 'give', 'man', 'plane', 'ticket']",16
"He said, ""Do you know how fast you were going?"" 

""I was trying to keep up with traffic,"" he replied.

He said, ""There is no traffic."" 

And the guy answered, ""That's how far behind I am.""

",3i1p09,8538,A cop stopped a guy for speeding...,"['said', 'know', 'fast', 'going', 'trying', 'keep', 'traffic', 'replied', 'said', 'traffic', 'guy', 'answered', 'far', 'behind']","['cop', 'stopped', 'guy', 'speeding']","['said', 'know', 'fast', 'going', 'trying', 'keep', 'traffic', 'replied', 'said', 'traffic', 'guy', 'answered', 'far', 'behind', 'cop', 'stopped', 'guy', 'speeding']",18
You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.,2lkg6d,8519,What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?,"['drop', 'bomb', 'twice', 'get']","['hardest', 'part', 'breaking', 'japanese', 'girlfriend']","['drop', 'bomb', 'twice', 'get', 'hardest', 'part', 'breaking', 'japanese', 'girlfriend']",9
So far she's getting a McChicken.,3gd05n,8514,"My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.","['far', 'getting', 'mcchicken']","['wife', 'know', 'put', 'dollar', 'envelope', 'every', 'time', 'sex', 'spending', 'christmas', 'present']","['far', 'getting', 'mcchicken', 'wife', 'know', 'put', 'dollar', 'envelope', 'every', 'time', 'sex', 'spending', 'christmas', 'present']",14
" Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate. However, as the Mufti didn't speak Italian, and the Pope didn't speak Arabic, they agreed that it would be a ""silent"" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mufti looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his fingers around his head. The Mufti pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Mufti pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Moulana was too clever. The Muslims could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, ""First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God! Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He beat me at every move and I could not continue!""

Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he'd won. ""I haven't a clue,"" the Mufti said. ""First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him as they call it 'the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!"" ""And then what?"" asked a woman. ""Who knows?"" said the Mufti. ""He took out his lunch so I took out mine.""

Edit: First time I heard this joke was around a year ago, but I had never heard the Jewish one until shortly after. So yeah, I'm well aware it's a repost, but, obviously by the votes, not that many people heard it the first time around (or second, third...fifth...twenty-second...etc.) so thank you, but it has already been pointed out.",5stcw6,8506,The Muslim Ban,"['several', 'century', 'ago', 'pope', 'decreed', 'muslim', 'convert', 'catholicism', 'leave', 'italy', 'huge', 'outcry', 'muslim', 'community', 'pope', 'offered', 'deal', 'religious', 'debate', 'leader', 'muslim', 'community', 'muslim', 'could', 'stay', 'italy', 'pope', 'convert', 'leave', 'muslim', 'people', 'met', 'picked', 'aged', 'wise', 'mufti', 'represent', 'debate', 'however', 'mufti', 'speak', 'italian', 'pope', 'speak', 'arabic', 'agreed', 'would', 'silent', 'debate', 'chosen', 'day', 'pope', 'mufti', 'sat', 'opposite', 'pope', 'raised', 'hand', 'showed', 'three', 'finger', 'mufti', 'looked', 'back', 'raised', 'one', 'finger', 'next', 'pope', 'waved', 'finger', 'around', 'head', 'mufti', 'pointed', 'ground', 'sat', 'pope', 'brought', 'communion', 'wafer', 'chalice', 'wine', 'mufti', 'pulled', 'apple', 'pope', 'stood', 'declared', 'beaten', 'said', 'moulana', 'clever', 'muslim', 'could', 'stay', 'italy', 'later', 'cardinal', 'met', 'pope', 'asked', 'happened', 'pope', 'said', 'first', 'held', 'three', 'finger', 'represent', 'trinity', 'responded', 'holding', 'single', 'finger', 'remind', 'still', 'one', 'god', 'waved', 'finger', 'around', 'head', 'show', 'god', 'around', 'u', 'responded', 'pointing', 'ground', 'show', 'god', 'also', 'right', 'u', 'pulled', 'wine', 'wafer', 'show', 'god', 'absolves', 'u', 'sin', 'pulled', 'apple', 'remind', 'original', 'sin', 'beat', 'every', 'move', 'could', 'continue', 'meanwhile', 'muslim', 'community', 'gathered', 'ask', 'mufti', 'clue', 'mufti', 'said', 'first', 'told', 'three', 'day', 'get', 'italy', 'gave', 'call', 'finger', 'tell', 'whole', 'country', 'would', 'cleared', 'muslim', 'told', 'staying', 'right', 'asked', 'woman', 'know', 'said', 'mufti', 'took', 'lunch', 'took', 'mine', 'edit', 'first', 'time', 'heard', 'joke', 'around', 'year', 'ago', 'never', 'heard', 'jewish', 'one', 'shortly', 'yeah', 'well', 'aware', 'repost', 'obviously', 'vote', 'many', 'people', 'heard', 'first', 'time', 'around', 'second', 'third', 'fifth', 'etc', 'thank', 'already', 'pointed']","['muslim', 'ban']","['several', 'century', 'ago', 'pope', 'decreed', 'muslim', 'convert', 'catholicism', 'leave', 'italy', 'huge', 'outcry', 'muslim', 'community', 'pope', 'offered', 'deal', 'religious', 'debate', 'leader', 'muslim', 'community', 'muslim', 'could', 'stay', 'italy', 'pope', 'convert', 'leave', 'muslim', 'people', 'met', 'picked', 'aged', 'wise', 'mufti', 'represent', 'debate', 'however', 'mufti', 'speak', 'italian', 'pope', 'speak', 'arabic', 'agreed', 'would', 'silent', 'debate', 'chosen', 'day', 'pope', 'mufti', 'sat', 'opposite', 'pope', 'raised', 'hand', 'showed', 'three', 'finger', 'mufti', 'looked', 'back', 'raised', 'one', 'finger', 'next', 'pope', 'waved', 'finger', 'around', 'head', 'mufti', 'pointed', 'ground', 'sat', 'pope', 'brought', 'communion', 'wafer', 'chalice', 'wine', 'mufti', 'pulled', 'apple', 'pope', 'stood', 'declared', 'beaten', 'said', 'moulana', 'clever', 'muslim', 'could', 'stay', 'italy', 'later', 'cardinal', 'met', 'pope', 'asked', 'happened', 'pope', 'said', 'first', 'held', 'three', 'finger', 'represent', 'trinity', 'responded', 'holding', 'single', 'finger', 'remind', 'still', 'one', 'god', 'waved', 'finger', 'around', 'head', 'show', 'god', 'around', 'u', 'responded', 'pointing', 'ground', 'show', 'god', 'also', 'right', 'u', 'pulled', 'wine', 'wafer', 'show', 'god', 'absolves', 'u', 'sin', 'pulled', 'apple', 'remind', 'original', 'sin', 'beat', 'every', 'move', 'could', 'continue', 'meanwhile', 'muslim', 'community', 'gathered', 'ask', 'mufti', 'clue', 'mufti', 'said', 'first', 'told', 'three', 'day', 'get', 'italy', 'gave', 'call', 'finger', 'tell', 'whole', 'country', 'would', 'cleared', 'muslim', 'told', 'staying', 'right', 'asked', 'woman', 'know', 'said', 'mufti', 'took', 'lunch', 'took', 'mine', 'edit', 'first', 'time', 'heard', 'joke', 'around', 'year', 'ago', 'never', 'heard', 'jewish', 'one', 'shortly', 'yeah', 'well', 'aware', 'repost', 'obviously', 'vote', 'many', 'people', 'heard', 'first', 'time', 'around', 'second', 'third', 'fifth', 'etc', 'thank', 'already', 'pointed', 'muslim', 'ban']",223
"Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! ""What happened?"" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, ""I dont know...I think she choked.""",3b6lq7,8497,Woman in a coma,"['two', 'nurse', 'giving', 'woman', 'coma', 'sponge', 'bath', 'notice', 'get', 'near', 'private', 'area', 'start', 'get', 'little', 'stimulated', 'theorize', 'oral', 'sex', 'bring', 'coma', 'go', 'lobby', 'tell', 'husband', 'theory', 'husband', 'little', 'aprehensive', 'first', 'agrees', 'nurse', 'leave', 'man', 'wife', 'give', 'privacy', 'come', 'back', 'minute', 'later', 'woman', 'dead', 'happened', 'asks', 'one', 'nurse', 'man', 'reply', 'dont', 'know', 'think', 'choked']","['woman', 'coma']","['two', 'nurse', 'giving', 'woman', 'coma', 'sponge', 'bath', 'notice', 'get', 'near', 'private', 'area', 'start', 'get', 'little', 'stimulated', 'theorize', 'oral', 'sex', 'bring', 'coma', 'go', 'lobby', 'tell', 'husband', 'theory', 'husband', 'little', 'aprehensive', 'first', 'agrees', 'nurse', 'leave', 'man', 'wife', 'give', 'privacy', 'come', 'back', 'minute', 'later', 'woman', 'dead', 'happened', 'asks', 'one', 'nurse', 'man', 'reply', 'dont', 'know', 'think', 'choked', 'woman', 'coma']",55
"""It's not my fault,"" I said, ""every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.""

""Do you really expect me to believe that?"" he laughed.

I said, ""I can prove it to you if you want me to.""

""Go on then."" he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them down toilet, he looked at me with a grin and said, ""Well, show me your pocket then!""

""What for?"" I asked.

He said, ""The drugs.""

I said, ""What drugs?""",3ceost,8491,A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.,"['fault', 'said', 'every', 'time', 'try', 'flushing', 'toilet', 'magically', 'appear', 'back', 'pocket', 'really', 'expect', 'believe', 'laughed', 'said', 'prove', 'want', 'go', 'smiled', 'handing', 'bag', 'flushing', 'toilet', 'looked', 'grin', 'said', 'well', 'show', 'pocket', 'asked', 'said', 'drug', 'said', 'drug']","['policeman', 'searched', 'nightclub', 'toilet', 'last', 'night', 'found', 'small', 'bag', 'class', 'drug']","['fault', 'said', 'every', 'time', 'try', 'flushing', 'toilet', 'magically', 'appear', 'back', 'pocket', 'really', 'expect', 'believe', 'laughed', 'said', 'prove', 'want', 'go', 'smiled', 'handing', 'bag', 'flushing', 'toilet', 'looked', 'grin', 'said', 'well', 'show', 'pocket', 'asked', 'said', 'drug', 'said', 'drug', 'policeman', 'searched', 'nightclub', 'toilet', 'last', 'night', 'found', 'small', 'bag', 'class', 'drug']",46
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B,4ms3jo,8470,I've decided to marry a pencil,"['ca', 'wait', 'introduce', 'parent', 'bride']","['decided', 'marry', 'pencil']","['ca', 'wait', 'introduce', 'parent', 'bride', 'decided', 'marry', 'pencil']",8
"""Really?"" she said, ""Go on then...try."" After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded ""Come on, what day was I born?""
“Yesterday."" I replied.",32pgee,8463,I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...,"['really', 'said', 'go', 'try', 'thirty', 'second', 'fondling', 'lost', 'patience', 'demanded', 'come', 'day', 'born', 'yesterday', 'replied']","['told', 'girl', 'pub', 'ability', 'guess', 'day', 'woman', 'born', 'feeling', 'boob']","['really', 'said', 'go', 'try', 'thirty', 'second', 'fondling', 'lost', 'patience', 'demanded', 'come', 'day', 'born', 'yesterday', 'replied', 'told', 'girl', 'pub', 'ability', 'guess', 'day', 'woman', 'born', 'feeling', 'boob']",25
"He's an ""alternative romantic.""",5qh9f7,8458,Donald Trump is not a rapist.,"['alternative', 'romantic']","['donald', 'trump', 'rapist']","['alternative', 'romantic', 'donald', 'trump', 'rapist']",5
"I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.",50pqw1,8444,The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW],"['buy', 'dog', 'food', 'long', 'long', 'time']","['best', 'part', 'abortionist', 'nsfw']","['buy', 'dog', 'food', 'long', 'long', 'time', 'best', 'part', 'abortionist', 'nsfw']",10
"A young boy says to his father ""Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.""

""What happened?"" The father asks.

""Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' ""

""Indeed, what is the difference?"" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school ""Dad, have you gone by the school?"" He asks.

""Not yet.""

""Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.""

""Why?"" asks the father.

The boy explains, ""Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'""

""Exactly,"" says the father. ""Alright, I'll come.""

The next day, the boy asks his father ""Did you go to the school?""

""No, not yet.""

""Don't bother, I got expelled.""

Surprised, the father asks ""Why did you get expelled?""

""Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.""

""The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?"" asks the father.

""That's what I said"" replied the boy.

**edit** : formatting with the help of Hotfries456

**edit 2** : Gold? Thanks! Btw, it's really interesting to read your comments guys

**3rd and last edit** : [One more](http://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2e9hb9/another_russian_joke_i_love/) :)",2e6ctg,8442,"I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction ))","['young', 'boy', 'say', 'father', 'dad', 'math', 'teacher', 'asking', 'see', 'happened', 'father', 'asks', 'well', 'asks', 'much', 'answer', 'asks', 'asked', 'fucking', 'difference', 'indeed', 'difference', 'asks', 'father', 'sure', 'go', 'next', 'day', 'boy', 'come', 'home', 'school', 'dad', 'gone', 'school', 'asks', 'yet', 'well', 'come', 'see', 'gym', 'teacher', 'also', 'asks', 'father', 'boy', 'explains', 'well', 'gym', 'class', 'today', 'asked', 'raise', 'left', 'arm', 'right', 'arm', 'also', 'raised', 'asked', 'lift', 'right', 'leg', 'say', 'left', 'leg', 'asked', 'suppose', 'stand', 'cock', 'exactly', 'say', 'father', 'alright', 'come', 'next', 'day', 'boy', 'asks', 'father', 'go', 'school', 'yet', 'bother', 'got', 'expelled', 'surprised', 'father', 'asks', 'get', 'expelled', 'well', 'summoned', 'principal', 'office', 'sitting', 'math', 'teacher', 'gym', 'teacher', 'art', 'teacher', 'fuck', 'art', 'teacher', 'asks', 'father', 'said', 'replied', 'boy', 'edit', 'formatting', 'help', 'edit', 'gold', 'thanks', 'btw', 'really', 'interesting', 'read', 'comment', 'guy', 'last', 'edit', 'one', 'http']","['translated', 'popular', 'russian', 'joke', 'english', 'wan', 'na', 'hear', 'reaction']","['young', 'boy', 'say', 'father', 'dad', 'math', 'teacher', 'asking', 'see', 'happened', 'father', 'asks', 'well', 'asks', 'much', 'answer', 'asks', 'asked', 'fucking', 'difference', 'indeed', 'difference', 'asks', 'father', 'sure', 'go', 'next', 'day', 'boy', 'come', 'home', 'school', 'dad', 'gone', 'school', 'asks', 'yet', 'well', 'come', 'see', 'gym', 'teacher', 'also', 'asks', 'father', 'boy', 'explains', 'well', 'gym', 'class', 'today', 'asked', 'raise', 'left', 'arm', 'right', 'arm', 'also', 'raised', 'asked', 'lift', 'right', 'leg', 'say', 'left', 'leg', 'asked', 'suppose', 'stand', 'cock', 'exactly', 'say', 'father', 'alright', 'come', 'next', 'day', 'boy', 'asks', 'father', 'go', 'school', 'yet', 'bother', 'got', 'expelled', 'surprised', 'father', 'asks', 'get', 'expelled', 'well', 'summoned', 'principal', 'office', 'sitting', 'math', 'teacher', 'gym', 'teacher', 'art', 'teacher', 'fuck', 'art', 'teacher', 'asks', 'father', 'said', 'replied', 'boy', 'edit', 'formatting', 'help', 'edit', 'gold', 'thanks', 'btw', 'really', 'interesting', 'read', 'comment', 'guy', 'last', 'edit', 'one', 'http', 'translated', 'popular', 'russian', 'joke', 'english', 'wan', 'na', 'hear', 'reaction']",135
"I said: ""Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.""",36jip0,8438,"My wife said to me: ""If you won the lottery, would you still love me?""","['said', 'course', 'would', 'miss', 'still', 'love']","['wife', 'said', 'lottery', 'would', 'still', 'love']","['said', 'course', 'would', 'miss', 'still', 'love', 'wife', 'said', 'lottery', 'would', 'still', 'love']",12
"If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.",4o6qvd,8419,You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.,"['shoulder', 'probably', 'like']","['tell', 'lot', 'woman', 'ankle']","['shoulder', 'probably', 'like', 'tell', 'lot', 'woman', 'ankle']",7
"The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ""Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."" The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ""Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."" The doctor was shocked! ""You asked your neighbor?"" The old man replied, ""Yep, none of us could get the jar open.",3due8g,8413,An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam,"['doctor', 'gave', 'man', 'jar', 'said', 'take', 'jar', 'home', 'bring', 'back', 'semen', 'sample', 'tomorrow', 'next', 'day', 'man', 'reappeared', 'doctor', 'office', 'gave', 'jar', 'clean', 'empty', 'previous', 'day', 'doctor', 'asked', 'happened', 'man', 'explained', 'well', 'doc', 'like', 'first', 'tried', 'right', 'hand', 'nothing', 'tried', 'left', 'hand', 'still', 'nothing', 'asked', 'wife', 'help', 'tried', 'right', 'hand', 'left', 'still', 'nothing', 'tried', 'mouth', 'first', 'teeth', 'teeth', 'still', 'nothing', 'even', 'called', 'arleen', 'lady', 'next', 'door', 'tried', 'first', 'hand', 'armpit', 'even', 'tried', 'squeezin', 'knee', 'still', 'nothing', 'doctor', 'shocked', 'asked', 'neighbor', 'old', 'man', 'replied', 'yep', 'none', 'u', 'could', 'get', 'jar', 'open']","['man', 'take', 'sperm', 'count', 'physical', 'exam']","['doctor', 'gave', 'man', 'jar', 'said', 'take', 'jar', 'home', 'bring', 'back', 'semen', 'sample', 'tomorrow', 'next', 'day', 'man', 'reappeared', 'doctor', 'office', 'gave', 'jar', 'clean', 'empty', 'previous', 'day', 'doctor', 'asked', 'happened', 'man', 'explained', 'well', 'doc', 'like', 'first', 'tried', 'right', 'hand', 'nothing', 'tried', 'left', 'hand', 'still', 'nothing', 'asked', 'wife', 'help', 'tried', 'right', 'hand', 'left', 'still', 'nothing', 'tried', 'mouth', 'first', 'teeth', 'teeth', 'still', 'nothing', 'even', 'called', 'arleen', 'lady', 'next', 'door', 'tried', 'first', 'hand', 'armpit', 'even', 'tried', 'squeezin', 'knee', 'still', 'nothing', 'doctor', 'shocked', 'asked', 'neighbor', 'old', 'man', 'replied', 'yep', 'none', 'u', 'could', 'get', 'jar', 'open', 'man', 'take', 'sperm', 'count', 'physical', 'exam']",95
Juan by Juan.,3icqz1,8400,How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?,"['juan', 'juan']","['donald', 'trump', 'going', 'get', 'rid', 'mexican']","['juan', 'juan', 'donald', 'trump', 'going', 'get', 'rid', 'mexican']",8
All of the ones I've met have just been Jew-ish,3parv4,8391,Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew?,"['one', 'met']","['ever', 'met', 'full', 'blooded', 'jew']","['one', 'met', 'ever', 'met', 'full', 'blooded', 'jew']",7
than the men who mention it,41ebua,8385,New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer,"['men', 'mention']","['new', 'study', 'reveals', 'woman', 'slightly', 'overweight', 'live', 'longer']","['men', 'mention', 'new', 'study', 'reveals', 'woman', 'slightly', 'overweight', 'live', 'longer']",10
They said thank you. I said don't mention it.,3ys0xp,8373,I bought my friend an elephant for their room.,"['said', 'thank', 'said', 'mention']","['bought', 'friend', 'elephant', 'room']","['said', 'thank', 'said', 'mention', 'bought', 'friend', 'elephant', 'room']",8
"Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .”

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.”

“What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, there's Stanley with them two ass-holes.” ",2jf8ke,8308,Stanley...,"['stanley', 'died', 'fire', 'body', 'burned', 'badly', 'morgue', 'needed', 'someone', 'identify', 'body', 'sent', 'two', 'best', 'deer', 'hunting', 'friend', 'cooter', 'gomer', 'three', 'men', 'always', 'hunted', 'fished', 'together', 'long', 'time', 'member', 'hunting', 'camp', 'cooter', 'arrived', 'first', 'mortician', 'pulled', 'back', 'sheet', 'cooter', 'said', 'yup', 'face', 'burned', 'pretty', 'bad', 'better', 'roll', 'mortician', 'rolled', 'cooter', 'said', 'nope', 'ai', 'stanley', 'mortician', 'thought', 'rather', 'strange', 'brought', 'gomer', 'confirm', 'identity', 'body', 'gomer', 'looked', 'body', 'said', 'yup', 'pretty', 'well', 'burnt', 'roll', 'mortician', 'rolled', 'gomer', 'said', 'ai', 'mortician', 'asked', 'tell', 'gomer', 'said', 'well', 'stanley', 'two', 'two', 'asked', 'mortician', 'yup', 'never', 'seen', 'everybody', 'used', 'say', 'stanley', 'two']",['stanley'],"['stanley', 'died', 'fire', 'body', 'burned', 'badly', 'morgue', 'needed', 'someone', 'identify', 'body', 'sent', 'two', 'best', 'deer', 'hunting', 'friend', 'cooter', 'gomer', 'three', 'men', 'always', 'hunted', 'fished', 'together', 'long', 'time', 'member', 'hunting', 'camp', 'cooter', 'arrived', 'first', 'mortician', 'pulled', 'back', 'sheet', 'cooter', 'said', 'yup', 'face', 'burned', 'pretty', 'bad', 'better', 'roll', 'mortician', 'rolled', 'cooter', 'said', 'nope', 'ai', 'stanley', 'mortician', 'thought', 'rather', 'strange', 'brought', 'gomer', 'confirm', 'identity', 'body', 'gomer', 'looked', 'body', 'said', 'yup', 'pretty', 'well', 'burnt', 'roll', 'mortician', 'rolled', 'gomer', 'said', 'ai', 'mortician', 'asked', 'tell', 'gomer', 'said', 'well', 'stanley', 'two', 'two', 'asked', 'mortician', 'yup', 'never', 'seen', 'everybody', 'used', 'say', 'stanley', 'two', 'stanley']",96
"his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:""no"", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: ""Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night"". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. She unzips his pants and puts his cock in her mouth, then immediately stops and starts gagging. ""Dad your cock tastes like shit"", she says. Then the dad snaps his fingers in realization and says: ""That's right, your brother has the car"".",4cg94a,8305,A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow,"['porsche', 'night', 'dad', 'say', 'begs', 'begs', 'come', 'solution', 'say', 'tell', 'give', 'blow', 'job', 'car', 'night', 'taken', 'aback', 'finally', 'decides', 'look', 'cool', 'friend', 'envious', 'agrees', 'unzips', 'pant', 'put', 'cock', 'mouth', 'immediately', 'stop', 'start', 'gagging', 'dad', 'cock', 'taste', 'like', 'shit', 'say', 'dad', 'snap', 'finger', 'realization', 'say', 'right', 'brother', 'car']","['teenage', 'girl', 'go', 'dad', 'asks', 'borrow']","['porsche', 'night', 'dad', 'say', 'begs', 'begs', 'come', 'solution', 'say', 'tell', 'give', 'blow', 'job', 'car', 'night', 'taken', 'aback', 'finally', 'decides', 'look', 'cool', 'friend', 'envious', 'agrees', 'unzips', 'pant', 'put', 'cock', 'mouth', 'immediately', 'stop', 'start', 'gagging', 'dad', 'cock', 'taste', 'like', 'shit', 'say', 'dad', 'snap', 'finger', 'realization', 'say', 'right', 'brother', 'car', 'teenage', 'girl', 'go', 'dad', 'asks', 'borrow']",53
I lost my case.,3rhi7f,8295,I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.,"['lost', 'case']","['tried', 'sue', 'airport', 'misplacing', 'luggage']","['lost', 'case', 'tried', 'sue', 'airport', 'misplacing', 'luggage']",7
"By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them

EDIT: Rip inbox 

EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold!",51rwp3,8289,How do feminists screw in a lightbulb?,"['holding', 'bulb', 'socket', 'waiting', 'world', 'revolve', 'around', 'edit', 'rip', 'inbox', 'edit', 'thanks', 'gold']","['feminist', 'screw', 'lightbulb']","['holding', 'bulb', 'socket', 'waiting', 'world', 'revolve', 'around', 'edit', 'rip', 'inbox', 'edit', 'thanks', 'gold', 'feminist', 'screw', 'lightbulb']",16
"It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.",31bkc6,8282,What did the egg say to the boiling water?,"['gon', 'na', 'take', 'little', 'get', 'hard', 'got', 'laid', 'chick']","['egg', 'say', 'boiling', 'water']","['gon', 'na', 'take', 'little', 'get', 'hard', 'got', 'laid', 'chick', 'egg', 'say', 'boiling', 'water']",13
"Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,

'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,

'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

""Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'


Buddy replied,


'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

EDIT1: I made it to the front page and my Karma has been destroyed :)

EDIT2: You guys can click on my post history and downvote all of my comments for a more efficient way to get back at me, I wanna see if I can get my Karma to 0. Thanks in advance",2yehpl,8265,Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!,"['buddy', 'wife', 'edna', 'went', 'state', 'fair', 'every', 'year', 'every', 'year', 'buddy', 'would', 'say', 'like', 'ride', 'edna', 'always', 'replied', 'know', 'buddy', 'helicopter', 'ride', 'fifty', 'buck', 'fifty', 'buck', 'fifty', 'one', 'year', 'buddy', 'edna', 'went', 'fair', 'buddy', 'said', 'year', 'old', 'ride', 'helicopter', 'might', 'never', 'get', 'another', 'edna', 'replied', 'buddy', 'helicopter', 'ride', 'fifty', 'buck', 'fifty', 'buck', 'fifty', 'pilot', 'overheard', 'couple', 'said', 'make', 'deal', 'take', 'ride', 'stay', 'quiet', 'entire', 'ride', 'say', 'word', 'wo', 'charge', 'penny', 'say', 'one', 'word', 'fifty', 'dollar', 'buddy', 'edna', 'agreed', 'went', 'pilot', 'kind', 'fancy', 'manoeuvre', 'word', 'heard', 'daredevil', 'trick', 'still', 'word', 'landed', 'pilot', 'turned', 'buddy', 'said', 'golly', 'everything', 'could', 'get', 'yell', 'impressed', 'buddy', 'replied', 'tell', 'truth', 'almost', 'said', 'something', 'edna', 'fell', 'know', 'fifty', 'buck', 'fifty', 'buck', 'made', 'front', 'page', 'karma', 'destroyed', 'guy', 'click', 'post', 'history', 'downvote', 'comment', 'efficient', 'way', 'get', 'back', 'wan', 'na', 'see', 'get', 'karma', 'thanks', 'advance']","['fifty', 'buck', 'fifty', 'buck']","['buddy', 'wife', 'edna', 'went', 'state', 'fair', 'every', 'year', 'every', 'year', 'buddy', 'would', 'say', 'like', 'ride', 'edna', 'always', 'replied', 'know', 'buddy', 'helicopter', 'ride', 'fifty', 'buck', 'fifty', 'buck', 'fifty', 'one', 'year', 'buddy', 'edna', 'went', 'fair', 'buddy', 'said', 'year', 'old', 'ride', 'helicopter', 'might', 'never', 'get', 'another', 'edna', 'replied', 'buddy', 'helicopter', 'ride', 'fifty', 'buck', 'fifty', 'buck', 'fifty', 'pilot', 'overheard', 'couple', 'said', 'make', 'deal', 'take', 'ride', 'stay', 'quiet', 'entire', 'ride', 'say', 'word', 'wo', 'charge', 'penny', 'say', 'one', 'word', 'fifty', 'dollar', 'buddy', 'edna', 'agreed', 'went', 'pilot', 'kind', 'fancy', 'manoeuvre', 'word', 'heard', 'daredevil', 'trick', 'still', 'word', 'landed', 'pilot', 'turned', 'buddy', 'said', 'golly', 'everything', 'could', 'get', 'yell', 'impressed', 'buddy', 'replied', 'tell', 'truth', 'almost', 'said', 'something', 'edna', 'fell', 'know', 'fifty', 'buck', 'fifty', 'buck', 'made', 'front', 'page', 'karma', 'destroyed', 'guy', 'click', 'post', 'history', 'downvote', 'comment', 'efficient', 'way', 'get', 'back', 'wan', 'na', 'see', 'get', 'karma', 'thanks', 'advance', 'fifty', 'buck', 'fifty', 'buck']",140
"As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

""I really need a new fucking boat,"" I thought to myself.
",3c8pzv,8259,Wordplay is fun.,"['slipped', 'finger', 'slowly', 'inside', 'hole', 'could', 'immediately', 'feel', 'getting', 'wetter', 'wetter', 'took', 'finger', 'back', 'within', 'second', 'going', 'really', 'need', 'new', 'fucking', 'boat', 'thought']","['wordplay', 'fun']","['slipped', 'finger', 'slowly', 'inside', 'hole', 'could', 'immediately', 'feel', 'getting', 'wetter', 'wetter', 'took', 'finger', 'back', 'within', 'second', 'going', 'really', 'need', 'new', 'fucking', 'boat', 'thought', 'wordplay', 'fun']",25
"One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house.  Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.  ""Where have you been?"" demanded his wife when he entered the house. ""Darling,"" replied the man, ""I can't lie to you.  I've been having an affair with my secretary.  I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."" The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, ""You liar! You've been playing golf!""",2wzprf,8253,A married man was having an affair with his secretary,"['one', 'day', 'passion', 'overcame', 'took', 'house', 'exhausted', 'afternoon', 'activity', 'fell', 'asleep', 'awoke', 'around', 'man', 'threw', 'clothes', 'told', 'woman', 'take', 'shoe', 'outside', 'rub', 'grass', 'dirt', 'mystified', 'nonetheless', 'complied', 'slipped', 'shoe', 'drove', 'home', 'demanded', 'wife', 'entered', 'house', 'darling', 'replied', 'man', 'ca', 'lie', 'affair', 'secretary', 'fell', 'asleep', 'bed', 'wake', 'eight', 'wife', 'glanced', 'shoe', 'said', 'liar', 'playing', 'golf']","['married', 'man', 'affair', 'secretary']","['one', 'day', 'passion', 'overcame', 'took', 'house', 'exhausted', 'afternoon', 'activity', 'fell', 'asleep', 'awoke', 'around', 'man', 'threw', 'clothes', 'told', 'woman', 'take', 'shoe', 'outside', 'rub', 'grass', 'dirt', 'mystified', 'nonetheless', 'complied', 'slipped', 'shoe', 'drove', 'home', 'demanded', 'wife', 'entered', 'house', 'darling', 'replied', 'man', 'ca', 'lie', 'affair', 'secretary', 'fell', 'asleep', 'bed', 'wake', 'eight', 'wife', 'glanced', 'shoe', 'said', 'liar', 'playing', 'golf', 'married', 'man', 'affair', 'secretary']",58
Who says they can't integrate into American culture?,4o32lp,8242,A Muslim guy killed 50 people in a mass shooting…,"['say', 'ca', 'integrate', 'american', 'culture']","['muslim', 'guy', 'killed', 'people', 'mass']","['say', 'ca', 'integrate', 'american', 'culture', 'muslim', 'guy', 'killed', 'people', 'mass']",10
"1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10



----

Edit: I think I may be missing a version, but looking through the comments it seems no one else knows what it is either. I'll have to google it.",38u98f,8239,"Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:","['nt', 'xp', 'vista', 'edit', 'think', 'may', 'missing', 'version', 'looking', 'comment', 'seems', 'one', 'else', 'know', 'either', 'google']","['hi', 'name', 'bill', 'gate', 'today', 'teaching', 'count', 'ten']","['nt', 'xp', 'vista', 'edit', 'think', 'may', 'missing', 'version', 'looking', 'comment', 'seems', 'one', 'else', 'know', 'either', 'google', 'hi', 'name', 'bill', 'gate', 'today', 'teaching', 'count', 'ten']",24
"Actually, you'll get it tomorrow",3l1vzm,8230,Here's a FedEx joke,"['actually', 'get', 'tomorrow']","['fedex', 'joke']","['actually', 'get', 'tomorrow', 'fedex', 'joke']",5
"Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. 

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ""Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, ""Darling, what's wrong?"" 

""There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."" 

""Ex-wife!”, she screams, ""YOU NEVER TOLD ME  YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!""

Tom's reply: ""I wasn't"".  
",3iqmrx,8219,Ex-Wife,"['tom', 'finally', 'decided', 'tie', 'knot', 'longtime', 'girlfriend', 'one', 'evening', 'honeymoon', 'cleaning', 'one', 'hot', 'rod', 'upcoming', 'show', 'wife', 'standing', 'bench', 'watching', 'long', 'period', 'silence', 'finally', 'speaks', 'honey', 'thinking', 'married', 'maybe', 'time', 'quit', 'spending', 'time', 'garage', 'probably', 'consider', 'selling', 'car', 'tom', 'get', 'horrified', 'look', 'face', 'say', 'darling', 'wrong', 'minute', 'starting', 'sound', 'like', 'scream', 'never', 'told', 'married', 'tom', 'reply']",[],"['tom', 'finally', 'decided', 'tie', 'knot', 'longtime', 'girlfriend', 'one', 'evening', 'honeymoon', 'cleaning', 'one', 'hot', 'rod', 'upcoming', 'show', 'wife', 'standing', 'bench', 'watching', 'long', 'period', 'silence', 'finally', 'speaks', 'honey', 'thinking', 'married', 'maybe', 'time', 'quit', 'spending', 'time', 'garage', 'probably', 'consider', 'selling', 'car', 'tom', 'get', 'horrified', 'look', 'face', 'say', 'darling', 'wrong', 'minute', 'starting', 'sound', 'like', 'scream', 'never', 'told', 'married', 'tom', 'reply']",56
...it was Luke warm.,2iouap,8211,Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?,"['luke', 'warm']","['han', 'solo', 'suspicious', 'put', 'penis', 'inside', 'princess', 'leia', 'first', 'time']","['luke', 'warm', 'han', 'solo', 'suspicious', 'put', 'penis', 'inside', 'princess', 'leia', 'first', 'time']",12
"Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.",3sm0qb,8207,"Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?","['charge', 'sequence', 'yoda']","['star', 'war', 'movie', 'come', 'sequence']","['charge', 'sequence', 'yoda', 'star', 'war', 'movie', 'come', 'sequence']",8
[Removed],51u30w,8203,Headphone Jack,['removed'],"['headphone', 'jack']","['removed', 'headphone', 'jack']",3
"We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer. ",3t42fi,8191,My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it,"['went', 'drink', 'cool', 'guy', 'want', 'web', 'designer']","['wife', 'told', 'take', 'spider', 'instead', 'killing']","['went', 'drink', 'cool', 'guy', 'want', 'web', 'designer', 'wife', 'told', 'take', 'spider', 'instead', 'killing']",13
He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.,3uuwra,8176,Give a man a jacket,"['warm', 'winter', 'teach', 'man', 'jacket', 'wo', 'leave', 'house']","['give', 'man', 'jacket']","['warm', 'winter', 'teach', 'man', 'jacket', 'wo', 'leave', 'house', 'give', 'man', 'jacket']",11
"Try this: 

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, ""Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes.""",2c5me8,8167,LPT: How to pick up girls,"['try', 'acquire', 'several', 'dozen', 'lime', 'go', 'drop', 'lime', 'start', 'picking', 'keep', 'dropping', 'clumsier', 'look', 'better', 'keep', 'attention', 'could', 'take', 'thirty', 'minute', 'finally', 'gather', 'lime', 'try', 'looking', 'bit', 'sheepish', 'look', 'deeply', 'eye', 'say', 'sorry', 'bad', 'pickup', 'lime']","['lpt', 'pick', 'girl']","['try', 'acquire', 'several', 'dozen', 'lime', 'go', 'drop', 'lime', 'start', 'picking', 'keep', 'dropping', 'clumsier', 'look', 'better', 'keep', 'attention', 'could', 'take', 'thirty', 'minute', 'finally', 'gather', 'lime', 'try', 'looking', 'bit', 'sheepish', 'look', 'deeply', 'eye', 'say', 'sorry', 'bad', 'pickup', 'lime', 'lpt', 'pick', 'girl']",39
"She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying ""a lot of money"" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit in the bank.

'$165,000' she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table.

Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from.

'Gambling' she muttered.

'What kind of gambling?' the president asked.

'Bets. Let me give you a real example. I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular.'

'Hahaha. That's a stupid bet. You could never win.'

'Would you care to accept the bet, then?' asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone.

'Of course! I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't rectangular!'

'Since it's such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?'

'Sure' said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone.

That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren't rectangular so he could win the bet.

The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet.

'So $25,000 that the president's balls are rectangular!'

The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted... after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000!

That's when he noticed the woman's lawyer started to bang his head against the wall.

'What's the problem with your attorney, m'am?'

'Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I'd hold the president of the Canadian National Bank's balls in my hand.'",4wmf1r,8126,An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money,"['insisted', 'wanted', 'speak', 'president', 'national', 'bank', 'order', 'open', 'account', 'saying', 'lot', 'money', 'dealt', 'hesitation', 'staff', 'escorted', 'elderly', 'woman', 'president', 'office', 'president', 'asked', 'much', 'money', 'wished', 'deposit', 'bank', 'answered', 'poured', 'bank', 'note', 'bag', 'table', 'obviously', 'president', 'got', 'really', 'curious', 'origin', 'money', 'asked', 'cash', 'came', 'muttered', 'kind', 'gambling', 'president', 'asked', 'let', 'give', 'real', 'example', 'bet', 'ball', 'rectangular', 'stupid', 'bet', 'could', 'never', 'win', 'care', 'accept', 'bet', 'asked', 'elderly', 'woman', 'challenging', 'tone', 'course', 'bet', 'ball', 'rectangular', 'large', 'sum', 'would', 'possible', 'return', 'tomorrow', 'morning', 'attorney', 'witness', 'said', 'president', 'bank', 'extremely', 'satisfied', 'tone', 'night', 'president', 'actually', 'got', 'scared', 'bet', 'spent', 'quite', 'time', 'front', 'mirror', 'checking', 'ball', 'turning', 'left', 'right', 'left', 'meticulously', 'inspected', 'make', 'sure', 'ball', 'rectangular', 'could', 'win', 'bet', 'next', 'morning', 'elderly', 'woman', 'entered', 'president', 'office', 'lawyer', 'introduced', 'latter', 'president', 'repeated', 'bet', 'president', 'ball', 'rectangular', 'president', 'accepted', 'bet', 'little', 'old', 'woman', 'asked', 'lower', 'pant', 'could', 'see', 'ball', 'president', 'complied', 'elderly', 'woman', 'inspected', 'ball', 'really', 'closely', 'inquired', 'whether', 'could', 'touch', 'president', 'accepted', 'opportunity', 'win', 'noticed', 'woman', 'lawyer', 'started', 'bang', 'head', 'wall', 'problem', 'attorney', 'nothing', 'yesterday', 'bet', 'today', 'hold', 'president', 'canadian', 'national', 'bank', 'ball', 'hand']","['elderly', 'woman', 'enters', 'canadian', 'national', 'bank', 'bag', 'full', 'money']","['insisted', 'wanted', 'speak', 'president', 'national', 'bank', 'order', 'open', 'account', 'saying', 'lot', 'money', 'dealt', 'hesitation', 'staff', 'escorted', 'elderly', 'woman', 'president', 'office', 'president', 'asked', 'much', 'money', 'wished', 'deposit', 'bank', 'answered', 'poured', 'bank', 'note', 'bag', 'table', 'obviously', 'president', 'got', 'really', 'curious', 'origin', 'money', 'asked', 'cash', 'came', 'muttered', 'kind', 'gambling', 'president', 'asked', 'let', 'give', 'real', 'example', 'bet', 'ball', 'rectangular', 'stupid', 'bet', 'could', 'never', 'win', 'care', 'accept', 'bet', 'asked', 'elderly', 'woman', 'challenging', 'tone', 'course', 'bet', 'ball', 'rectangular', 'large', 'sum', 'would', 'possible', 'return', 'tomorrow', 'morning', 'attorney', 'witness', 'said', 'president', 'bank', 'extremely', 'satisfied', 'tone', 'night', 'president', 'actually', 'got', 'scared', 'bet', 'spent', 'quite', 'time', 'front', 'mirror', 'checking', 'ball', 'turning', 'left', 'right', 'left', 'meticulously', 'inspected', 'make', 'sure', 'ball', 'rectangular', 'could', 'win', 'bet', 'next', 'morning', 'elderly', 'woman', 'entered', 'president', 'office', 'lawyer', 'introduced', 'latter', 'president', 'repeated', 'bet', 'president', 'ball', 'rectangular', 'president', 'accepted', 'bet', 'little', 'old', 'woman', 'asked', 'lower', 'pant', 'could', 'see', 'ball', 'president', 'complied', 'elderly', 'woman', 'inspected', 'ball', 'really', 'closely', 'inquired', 'whether', 'could', 'touch', 'president', 'accepted', 'opportunity', 'win', 'noticed', 'woman', 'lawyer', 'started', 'bang', 'head', 'wall', 'problem', 'attorney', 'nothing', 'yesterday', 'bet', 'today', 'hold', 'president', 'canadian', 'national', 'bank', 'ball', 'hand', 'elderly', 'woman', 'enters', 'canadian', 'national', 'bank', 'bag', 'full', 'money']",186
But I laugh more.,3x71il,8121,My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are,['laugh'],"['girlfriend', 'often', 'laugh', 'competitive']","['laugh', 'girlfriend', 'often', 'laugh', 'competitive']",5
"The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, ""See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing.""
The Jew says to the Arab, ""That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.""

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, ""Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.""

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, ""So what did you do with the pastries?""

The Jew replies, ""Look in the Arab's back pocket.....""",2cqppw,8120,A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery...,"['arab', 'immediately', 'steal', 'three', 'pastry', 'put', 'pocket', 'say', 'jew', 'see', 'good', 'owner', 'see', 'thing', 'jew', 'say', 'arab', 'typical', 'arab', 'going', 'show', 'honest', 'way', 'get', 'result', 'go', 'owner', 'bakery', 'say', 'give', 'pastry', 'show', 'magic', 'trick', 'intrigued', 'owner', 'accepts', 'give', 'pastry', 'jew', 'swallow', 'asks', 'another', 'one', 'owner', 'give', 'another', 'one', 'jew', 'swallow', 'one', 'asks', 'third', 'pastry', 'eats', 'owner', 'starting', 'wonder', 'magic', 'trick', 'asks', 'pastry', 'jew', 'reply', 'look', 'arab', 'back', 'pocket']","['jew', 'arab', 'go', 'bakery']","['arab', 'immediately', 'steal', 'three', 'pastry', 'put', 'pocket', 'say', 'jew', 'see', 'good', 'owner', 'see', 'thing', 'jew', 'say', 'arab', 'typical', 'arab', 'going', 'show', 'honest', 'way', 'get', 'result', 'go', 'owner', 'bakery', 'say', 'give', 'pastry', 'show', 'magic', 'trick', 'intrigued', 'owner', 'accepts', 'give', 'pastry', 'jew', 'swallow', 'asks', 'another', 'one', 'owner', 'give', 'another', 'one', 'jew', 'swallow', 'one', 'asks', 'third', 'pastry', 'eats', 'owner', 'starting', 'wonder', 'magic', 'trick', 'asks', 'pastry', 'jew', 'reply', 'look', 'arab', 'back', 'pocket', 'jew', 'arab', 'go', 'bakery']",72
"There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child.

""I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!"" Says the wife.
""That's not true, you're not the mother!"" Replies the husband.
""Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?"" Says the wife.
""No, I actually don't know who the real parents are,"" replies the husband.

The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that.
""Well,"" he replies, ""when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest.""

""And?"" She asks.

""And I did!""",3za0ts,8116,Joke from Spain (forgive my English),"['married', 'couple', 'wanted', 'divorce', 'arguing', 'would', 'keep', 'child', 'birthed', 'child', 'therefore', 'mine', 'say', 'wife', 'true', 'mother', 'reply', 'husband', 'oh', 'suppose', 'claim', 'real', 'father', 'say', 'wife', 'actually', 'know', 'real', 'parent', 'reply', 'husband', 'wife', 'surprised', 'asks', 'mean', 'well', 'reply', 'child', 'born', 'still', 'hospital', 'told', 'baby', 'pooped', 'told', 'change', 'rest', 'asks']","['joke', 'spain', 'forgive', 'english']","['married', 'couple', 'wanted', 'divorce', 'arguing', 'would', 'keep', 'child', 'birthed', 'child', 'therefore', 'mine', 'say', 'wife', 'true', 'mother', 'reply', 'husband', 'oh', 'suppose', 'claim', 'real', 'father', 'say', 'wife', 'actually', 'know', 'real', 'parent', 'reply', 'husband', 'wife', 'surprised', 'asks', 'mean', 'well', 'reply', 'child', 'born', 'still', 'hospital', 'told', 'baby', 'pooped', 'told', 'change', 'rest', 'asks', 'joke', 'spain', 'forgive', 'english']",52
Donald Trump,3vrh5x,8110,Wanna hear a racist joke?,"['donald', 'trump']","['wan', 'na', 'hear', 'racist', 'joke']","['donald', 'trump', 'wan', 'na', 'hear', 'racist', 'joke']",7
To reverse and leaving the scene,37choa,8104,I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching,"['reverse', 'leaving', 'scene']","['saved', 'bunch', 'money', 'car', 'insurance', 'switching']","['reverse', 'leaving', 'scene', 'saved', 'bunch', 'money', 'car', 'insurance', 'switching']",9
"Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says ""You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy""
Paddy replies ""OK Mick, I'll be on me way then.""
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
""Shoite"" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. ""Shoite, Shoite!"" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.
""Bi'Jesus... I'm tanked,"" he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says ""No way!""
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ""If i can just make it to me bed."" He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ""to hell with it"" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ""Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"".
Paddy says, ""I did Jess. I was tanked' pissed. But how'd you know?""
""Mick called. You left y'wheelchair at the pub.""",355sab,8100,Paddy had been drinking,"['paddy', 'drinking', 'local', 'dublin', 'pub', 'day', 'night', 'celebrating', 'ireland', 'football', 'victory', 'mick', 'bartender', 'say', 'drinking', 'tonight', 'paddy', 'paddy', 'reply', 'ok', 'mick', 'way', 'paddy', 'spin', 'around', 'stool', 'step', 'fall', 'flat', 'face', 'shoite', 'say', 'pull', 'stool', 'dust', 'take', 'step', 'towards', 'door', 'fall', 'flat', 'face', 'shoite', 'shoite', 'look', 'doorway', 'think', 'get', 'door', 'fresh', 'air', 'fine', 'belly', 'crawl', 'door', 'shimmy', 'door', 'frame', 'stick', 'head', 'outside', 'take', 'deep', 'breath', 'fresh', 'air', 'feel', 'much', 'better', 'take', 'step', 'onto', 'sidewalk', 'fall', 'flat', 'face', 'tanked', 'say', 'see', 'house', 'door', 'crawl', 'door', 'shimmy', 'door', 'frame', 'open', 'door', 'shimmy', 'inside', 'take', 'look', 'stair', 'say', 'way', 'crawl', 'stair', 'bedroom', 'door', 'say', 'make', 'bed', 'take', 'step', 'room', 'fall', 'flat', 'face', 'say', 'hell', 'fall', 'bed', 'next', 'morning', 'wife', 'jess', 'come', 'room', 'carrying', 'cup', 'coffee', 'say', 'get', 'paddy', 'bit', 'drink', 'last', 'night', 'paddy', 'say', 'jess', 'tanked', 'pissed', 'know', 'mick', 'called', 'left', 'pub']","['paddy', 'drinking']","['paddy', 'drinking', 'local', 'dublin', 'pub', 'day', 'night', 'celebrating', 'ireland', 'football', 'victory', 'mick', 'bartender', 'say', 'drinking', 'tonight', 'paddy', 'paddy', 'reply', 'ok', 'mick', 'way', 'paddy', 'spin', 'around', 'stool', 'step', 'fall', 'flat', 'face', 'shoite', 'say', 'pull', 'stool', 'dust', 'take', 'step', 'towards', 'door', 'fall', 'flat', 'face', 'shoite', 'shoite', 'look', 'doorway', 'think', 'get', 'door', 'fresh', 'air', 'fine', 'belly', 'crawl', 'door', 'shimmy', 'door', 'frame', 'stick', 'head', 'outside', 'take', 'deep', 'breath', 'fresh', 'air', 'feel', 'much', 'better', 'take', 'step', 'onto', 'sidewalk', 'fall', 'flat', 'face', 'tanked', 'say', 'see', 'house', 'door', 'crawl', 'door', 'shimmy', 'door', 'frame', 'open', 'door', 'shimmy', 'inside', 'take', 'look', 'stair', 'say', 'way', 'crawl', 'stair', 'bedroom', 'door', 'say', 'make', 'bed', 'take', 'step', 'room', 'fall', 'flat', 'face', 'say', 'hell', 'fall', 'bed', 'next', 'morning', 'wife', 'jess', 'come', 'room', 'carrying', 'cup', 'coffee', 'say', 'get', 'paddy', 'bit', 'drink', 'last', 'night', 'paddy', 'say', 'jess', 'tanked', 'pissed', 'know', 'mick', 'called', 'left', 'pub', 'paddy', 'drinking']",140
"A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up.  What should I do?’  ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer.  ‘Nope,’ replied the man.  ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer.  ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely.  That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!’",33awrn,8094,My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...,"['man', 'went', 'lawyer', 'told', 'neighbour', 'owes', 'pay', 'proof', 'owes', 'money', 'asked', 'lawyer', 'nope', 'replied', 'man', 'ok', 'write', 'letter', 'asking', 'owed', 'said', 'lawyer', 'replied', 'man', 'precisely', 'reply', 'proof']","['neighbour', 'owes', 'pay']","['man', 'went', 'lawyer', 'told', 'neighbour', 'owes', 'pay', 'proof', 'owes', 'money', 'asked', 'lawyer', 'nope', 'replied', 'man', 'ok', 'write', 'letter', 'asking', 'owed', 'said', 'lawyer', 'replied', 'man', 'precisely', 'reply', 'proof', 'neighbour', 'owes', 'pay']",30
"They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!

They named him Ravi O. Lee

Sorry",3hyz96,8084,"A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...","['could', 'settle', 'name', 'hit', 'named', 'ravi', 'lee', 'sorry']","['boy', 'born', 'indian', 'chinese', 'irish', 'italian', 'grandmother']","['could', 'settle', 'name', 'hit', 'named', 'ravi', 'lee', 'sorry', 'boy', 'born', 'indian', 'chinese', 'irish', 'italian', 'grandmother']",15
"John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, ""I won the prize for the best toast of the night.""

She said, ""Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"" John said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."" ""Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, ""John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.""

She said, ""Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.""",4fmwyi,8082,John wins best toast of the night,"['john', 'hoisted', 'beer', 'said', 'spending', 'rest', 'life', 'leg', 'wife', 'top', 'prize', 'pub', 'best', 'toast', 'night', 'went', 'home', 'told', 'wife', 'mary', 'prize', 'best', 'toast', 'night', 'said', 'aye', 'ye', 'toast', 'john', 'said', 'spending', 'rest', 'life', 'sitting', 'church', 'beside', 'wife', 'oh', 'nice', 'indeed', 'john', 'mary', 'said', 'next', 'day', 'mary', 'ran', 'one', 'john', 'drinking', 'buddy', 'street', 'corner', 'man', 'chuckled', 'leeringly', 'said', 'john', 'prize', 'night', 'pub', 'toast', 'mary', 'said', 'aye', 'told', 'bit', 'surprised', 'meself', 'know', 'twice', 'last', 'four', 'year', 'fell', 'asleep', 'time', 'pull', 'ear', 'make', 'come']","['john', 'win', 'best', 'toast', 'night']","['john', 'hoisted', 'beer', 'said', 'spending', 'rest', 'life', 'leg', 'wife', 'top', 'prize', 'pub', 'best', 'toast', 'night', 'went', 'home', 'told', 'wife', 'mary', 'prize', 'best', 'toast', 'night', 'said', 'aye', 'ye', 'toast', 'john', 'said', 'spending', 'rest', 'life', 'sitting', 'church', 'beside', 'wife', 'oh', 'nice', 'indeed', 'john', 'mary', 'said', 'next', 'day', 'mary', 'ran', 'one', 'john', 'drinking', 'buddy', 'street', 'corner', 'man', 'chuckled', 'leeringly', 'said', 'john', 'prize', 'night', 'pub', 'toast', 'mary', 'said', 'aye', 'told', 'bit', 'surprised', 'meself', 'know', 'twice', 'last', 'four', 'year', 'fell', 'asleep', 'time', 'pull', 'ear', 'make', 'come', 'john', 'win', 'best', 'toast', 'night']",86
In the ark hives,45e9si,8074,Where did Noah keep his bees?,"['ark', 'hive']","['noah', 'keep', 'bee']","['ark', 'hive', 'noah', 'keep', 'bee']",5
And then I saw her face.,48pzpa,8071,"When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.","['saw', 'face']","['girlfriend', 'said', 'leaving', 'obsession', 'monkees', 'thought', 'joking']","['saw', 'face', 'girlfriend', 'said', 'leaving', 'obsession', 'monkees', 'thought', 'joking']",9
"But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

EDIT: Holy shit my first front page! Also RIP inbox ",39d5kt,8066,I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant,"['apparently', 'change', 'colour', 'baby', 'edit', 'holy', 'shit', 'first', 'front', 'page', 'also', 'rip', 'inbox']","['thought', 'vasectomy', 'would', 'keep', 'wife', 'getting', 'pregnant']","['apparently', 'change', 'colour', 'baby', 'edit', 'holy', 'shit', 'first', 'front', 'page', 'also', 'rip', 'inbox', 'thought', 'vasectomy', 'would', 'keep', 'wife', 'getting', 'pregnant']",20
"I wore the wrong socks this morning



*Edit: Not my joke but haven't seen it here and thought it was funny :)*",4bbwdk,8053,Why did the semen cross the road?,"['wore', 'wrong', 'sock', 'morning', 'edit', 'joke', 'seen', 'thought', 'funny']","['semen', 'cross', 'road']","['wore', 'wrong', 'sock', 'morning', 'edit', 'joke', 'seen', 'thought', 'funny', 'semen', 'cross', 'road']",12
Damn dial-up!,40heu4,8050,"When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...",['damn'],"['see', 'girl', 'first', 'look', 'hair', 'eye', 'lip', 'neck']","['damn', 'see', 'girl', 'first', 'look', 'hair', 'eye', 'lip', 'neck']",9
"Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 
""Happy Birthday!"", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ""Happy Birthday."" 

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. 

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 
""Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"" 
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, ""You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."" 

I said, ""Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!""

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. 

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. 
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, ""You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"" 

I responded, ""I guess not. What do you have in mind?"" 
She said, ""Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.""

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 
""Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.""

""Okay,"" I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. 

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ""Happy birthday"".
And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Sobbing...

Naked...

and erect.",3fztzj,8036,Why I fired my secretary,"['last', 'week', 'birthday', 'feel', 'well', 'waking', 'morning', 'went', 'downstairs', 'breakfast', 'hoping', 'wife', 'would', 'pleasant', 'say', 'happy', 'birthday', 'possibly', 'small', 'present', 'turned', 'barely', 'said', 'good', 'morning', 'let', 'alone', 'happy', 'birthday', 'thought', 'well', 'marriage', 'kid', 'remember', 'kid', 'came', 'bounding', 'stair', 'breakfast', 'say', 'word', 'left', 'office', 'felt', 'pretty', 'low', 'somewhat', 'despondent', 'walked', 'office', 'secretary', 'jane', 'said', 'good', 'morning', 'bos', 'way', 'happy', 'birthday', 'felt', 'little', 'better', 'least', 'someone', 'remembered', 'worked', 'one', 'jane', 'knocked', 'door', 'said', 'know', 'beautiful', 'day', 'outside', 'birthday', 'say', 'go', 'lunch', 'said', 'thanks', 'jane', 'greatest', 'thing', 'heard', 'day', 'let', 'go', 'went', 'lunch', 'go', 'normally', 'would', 'go', 'chose', 'instead', 'quiet', 'bistro', 'private', 'table', 'two', 'martini', 'enjoyed', 'meal', 'tremendously', 'way', 'back', 'office', 'jane', 'said', 'know', 'beautiful', 'day', 'need', 'go', 'straight', 'back', 'office', 'responded', 'guess', 'mind', 'said', 'let', 'drop', 'apartment', 'around', 'corner', 'arriving', 'apartment', 'jane', 'turned', 'said', 'bos', 'mind', 'going', 'step', 'bedroom', 'moment', 'right', 'back', 'okay', 'nervously', 'replied', 'went', 'bedroom', 'couple', 'minute', 'came', 'carrying', 'huge', 'birthday', 'cake', 'followed', 'wife', 'kid', 'dozen', 'friend', 'singing', 'happy', 'birthday', 'sat', 'couch', 'sobbing', 'naked', 'erect']","['fired', 'secretary']","['last', 'week', 'birthday', 'feel', 'well', 'waking', 'morning', 'went', 'downstairs', 'breakfast', 'hoping', 'wife', 'would', 'pleasant', 'say', 'happy', 'birthday', 'possibly', 'small', 'present', 'turned', 'barely', 'said', 'good', 'morning', 'let', 'alone', 'happy', 'birthday', 'thought', 'well', 'marriage', 'kid', 'remember', 'kid', 'came', 'bounding', 'stair', 'breakfast', 'say', 'word', 'left', 'office', 'felt', 'pretty', 'low', 'somewhat', 'despondent', 'walked', 'office', 'secretary', 'jane', 'said', 'good', 'morning', 'bos', 'way', 'happy', 'birthday', 'felt', 'little', 'better', 'least', 'someone', 'remembered', 'worked', 'one', 'jane', 'knocked', 'door', 'said', 'know', 'beautiful', 'day', 'outside', 'birthday', 'say', 'go', 'lunch', 'said', 'thanks', 'jane', 'greatest', 'thing', 'heard', 'day', 'let', 'go', 'went', 'lunch', 'go', 'normally', 'would', 'go', 'chose', 'instead', 'quiet', 'bistro', 'private', 'table', 'two', 'martini', 'enjoyed', 'meal', 'tremendously', 'way', 'back', 'office', 'jane', 'said', 'know', 'beautiful', 'day', 'need', 'go', 'straight', 'back', 'office', 'responded', 'guess', 'mind', 'said', 'let', 'drop', 'apartment', 'around', 'corner', 'arriving', 'apartment', 'jane', 'turned', 'said', 'bos', 'mind', 'going', 'step', 'bedroom', 'moment', 'right', 'back', 'okay', 'nervously', 'replied', 'went', 'bedroom', 'couple', 'minute', 'came', 'carrying', 'huge', 'birthday', 'cake', 'followed', 'wife', 'kid', 'dozen', 'friend', 'singing', 'happy', 'birthday', 'sat', 'couch', 'sobbing', 'naked', 'erect', 'fired', 'secretary']",167
"""Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?""

Nobody is able to answer

Teacher: ""You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer.""

The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.

Teacher: ""Well, it seems your parents are stupid as well. See the answer is so simple.""

*Then the teacher makes a circle using his thumb and index finger and keeps it in front of his nostrils.*

Teacher: ""See, it was so simple, yet nobody was able to answer.""

The next day, a student comes up to the teacher and says, ""Sir, my father has asked if it's possible to insert 7 holes through one hole?""

Teacher: ""No, that's impossible.""

Students: ""It is possible, my father said.""

Teacher : ""How?""

Student: ""Take a flute and shove it up your ass.""",4nfxlx,8036,A Teacher asks the students..,"['possible', 'insert', 'hole', 'one', 'hole', 'nobody', 'able', 'answer', 'teacher', 'guy', 'stupid', 'go', 'ask', 'parent', 'come', 'back', 'tomorrow', 'answer', 'next', 'day', 'nobody', 'able', 'answer', 'question', 'teacher', 'well', 'seems', 'parent', 'stupid', 'well', 'see', 'answer', 'simple', 'teacher', 'make', 'circle', 'using', 'thumb', 'index', 'finger', 'keep', 'front', 'nostril', 'teacher', 'see', 'simple', 'yet', 'nobody', 'able', 'answer', 'next', 'day', 'student', 'come', 'teacher', 'say', 'sir', 'father', 'asked', 'possible', 'insert', 'hole', 'one', 'hole', 'teacher', 'impossible', 'student', 'possible', 'father', 'said', 'teacher', 'student', 'take', 'flute', 'shove', 'as']","['teacher', 'asks', 'student']","['possible', 'insert', 'hole', 'one', 'hole', 'nobody', 'able', 'answer', 'teacher', 'guy', 'stupid', 'go', 'ask', 'parent', 'come', 'back', 'tomorrow', 'answer', 'next', 'day', 'nobody', 'able', 'answer', 'question', 'teacher', 'well', 'seems', 'parent', 'stupid', 'well', 'see', 'answer', 'simple', 'teacher', 'make', 'circle', 'using', 'thumb', 'index', 'finger', 'keep', 'front', 'nostril', 'teacher', 'see', 'simple', 'yet', 'nobody', 'able', 'answer', 'next', 'day', 'student', 'come', 'teacher', 'say', 'sir', 'father', 'asked', 'possible', 'insert', 'hole', 'one', 'hole', 'teacher', 'impossible', 'student', 'possible', 'father', 'said', 'teacher', 'student', 'take', 'flute', 'shove', 'as', 'teacher', 'asks', 'student']",79
"Police think it might be race related.
",3es554,8021,Today someone was killed with a starter pistol.,"['police', 'think', 'might', 'race', 'related']","['today', 'someone', 'killed', 'starter', 'pistol']","['police', 'think', 'might', 'race', 'related', 'today', 'someone', 'killed', 'starter', 'pistol']",10
"""And then things got worse.""",340qv8,8020,Russian history in 5 words:,"['thing', 'got', 'worse']","['russian', 'history', 'word']","['thing', 'got', 'worse', 'russian', 'history', 'word']",6
"Mom: ""Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both.""",4eh2jn,8016,"Little girl: ""Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up.""","['mom', 'well', 'pick', 'one', 'sweetie', 'ca']","['little', 'girl', 'mommy', 'want', 'feminist', 'grow']","['mom', 'well', 'pick', 'one', 'sweetie', 'ca', 'little', 'girl', 'mommy', 'want', 'feminist', 'grow']",12
At least the one I fucked did.,4buvas,8007,"Did you know, that pigeons die when they have sex?","['least', 'one', 'fucked']","['know', 'pigeon', 'die', 'sex']","['least', 'one', 'fucked', 'know', 'pigeon', 'die', 'sex']",7
About 10 dollars.,41ldce,8002,What is the capital of Greece?,['dollar'],"['capital', 'greece']","['dollar', 'capital', 'greece']",3
My wife flashed before my eyes.,4daa7d,7980,I was in a near-sex experience.,"['wife', 'flashed', 'eye']",['experience'],"['wife', 'flashed', 'eye', 'experience']",4
"I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.",2dpuyb,7970,This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with,"['bought', 'year', 'old', 'daughter', 'new', 'bed', 'go', 'university', 'undecided', 'whether', 'wanted', 'keep', 'told', 'sleep']","['probably', 'best', 'joke', 'ever', 'come']","['bought', 'year', 'old', 'daughter', 'new', 'bed', 'go', 'university', 'undecided', 'whether', 'wanted', 'keep', 'told', 'sleep', 'probably', 'best', 'joke', 'ever', 'come']",19
Measles,33j2c5,7965,Only 2010's kids will get this...,['measles'],"['kid', 'get']","['measles', 'kid', 'get']",3
"and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, ""I dont know, Doc. I think she choked.""

EDIT: /u/strenling has been edited.",4eajey,7952,A woman is in the hospital in a coma...,"['husband', 'waiting', 'room', 'doctor', 'come', 'tell', 'husband', 'every', 'time', 'get', 'near', 'crotch', 'heart', 'rate', 'increase', 'tell', 'husband', 'belief', 'oral', 'sex', 'bring', 'coma', 'husband', 'enters', 'room', 'shortly', 'doctor', 'hears', 'flatline', 'rush', 'room', 'asking', 'happened', 'husband', 'reply', 'dont', 'know', 'doc', 'think', 'choked', 'edit', 'edited']","['woman', 'hospital', 'coma']","['husband', 'waiting', 'room', 'doctor', 'come', 'tell', 'husband', 'every', 'time', 'get', 'near', 'crotch', 'heart', 'rate', 'increase', 'tell', 'husband', 'belief', 'oral', 'sex', 'bring', 'coma', 'husband', 'enters', 'room', 'shortly', 'doctor', 'hears', 'flatline', 'rush', 'room', 'asking', 'happened', 'husband', 'reply', 'dont', 'know', 'doc', 'think', 'choked', 'edit', 'edited', 'woman', 'hospital', 'coma']",45
"A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...

""If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!""",4sy1g4,7944,A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...,"['redneck', 'find', 'girlfriend', 'virgin', 'upon', 'hearing', 'stand', 'turn', 'away', 'leaf', 'without', 'word', 'later', 'buddy', 'bar', 'ask', 'went', 'wrong', 'explains', 'ai', 'good', 'enough', 'daddy', 'uncle', 'brother', 'cousin', 'ai', 'good', 'enough']","['redneck', 'find', 'girlfriend', 'virgin']","['redneck', 'find', 'girlfriend', 'virgin', 'upon', 'hearing', 'stand', 'turn', 'away', 'leaf', 'without', 'word', 'later', 'buddy', 'bar', 'ask', 'went', 'wrong', 'explains', 'ai', 'good', 'enough', 'daddy', 'uncle', 'brother', 'cousin', 'ai', 'good', 'enough', 'redneck', 'find', 'girlfriend', 'virgin']",33
American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.,3sea42,7929,What is the difference between American teenage girls amd Muslim teenage girls? (Offensive),"['american', 'teenage', 'girl', 'get', 'stoned', 'sex']","['difference', 'american', 'teenage', 'girl', 'amd', 'muslim', 'teenage', 'girl', 'offensive']","['american', 'teenage', 'girl', 'get', 'stoned', 'sex', 'difference', 'american', 'teenage', 'girl', 'amd', 'muslim', 'teenage', 'girl', 'offensive']",15
"""Over there by mine"", was not the answer I was expecting.

",2n623h,7909,"During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, ""where should I put my pants""?","['mine', 'answer', 'expecting']","['prostate', 'exam', 'asked', 'doctor', 'put', 'pant']","['mine', 'answer', 'expecting', 'prostate', 'exam', 'asked', 'doctor', 'put', 'pant']",9
Because he finally got it,49sbog,7904,Why did Leonardo DiCaprio laugh at the Oscar joke?,"['finally', 'got']","['leonardo', 'dicaprio', 'laugh', 'oscar', 'joke']","['finally', 'got', 'leonardo', 'dicaprio', 'laugh', 'oscar', 'joke']",7
"I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, ""I want you to try and sell this to me.""



So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.



Eventually he called my mobile and said, ""Bring it back here right now!""



I said, ""£100 and it's yours.""",2p689y,7876,"I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, ""I want you to try and sell this to me.""","['job', 'interview', 'today', 'manager', 'handed', 'laptop', 'said', 'want', 'try', 'sell', 'put', 'arm', 'walked', 'building', 'went', 'home', 'eventually', 'called', 'mobile', 'said', 'bring', 'back', 'right', 'said']","['job', 'interview', 'today', 'manager', 'handed', 'laptop', 'said', 'want', 'try', 'sell']","['job', 'interview', 'today', 'manager', 'handed', 'laptop', 'said', 'want', 'try', 'sell', 'put', 'arm', 'walked', 'building', 'went', 'home', 'eventually', 'called', 'mobile', 'said', 'bring', 'back', 'right', 'said', 'job', 'interview', 'today', 'manager', 'handed', 'laptop', 'said', 'want', 'try', 'sell']",34
"One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, 
""Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!"" 

He responded by saying ""How's about 5 dollars?"", jokingly, and kept walking.

This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them,

""So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?""",4utloj,7874,Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening...,"['one', 'evening', 'passed', 'alley', 'prostitute', 'yelled', 'fifty', 'dollar', 'buy', 'good', 'time', 'responded', 'saying', 'dollar', 'jokingly', 'kept', 'walking', 'thing', 'kept', 'happening', 'every', 'saturday', 'couple', 'week', 'every', 'time', 'bill', 'passed', 'prostitute', 'would', 'offer', 'service', 'fifty', 'dollar', 'would', 'decline', 'say', 'pay', 'five', 'one', 'evening', 'however', 'hillary', 'asked', 'could', 'come', 'along', 'walk', 'bill', 'reluctantly', 'agreed', 'nervous', 'hillary', 'would', 'say', 'prostitute', 'yelled', 'went', 'walk', 'passed', 'alley', 'bill', 'surprise', 'prostitute', 'silent', 'continued', 'walk', 'round', 'corner', 'however', 'heard', 'prostitute', 'voice', 'behind', 'five', 'dollar', 'get', 'huh']","['bill', 'clinton', 'like', 'go', 'walk', 'every', 'saturday', 'evening']","['one', 'evening', 'passed', 'alley', 'prostitute', 'yelled', 'fifty', 'dollar', 'buy', 'good', 'time', 'responded', 'saying', 'dollar', 'jokingly', 'kept', 'walking', 'thing', 'kept', 'happening', 'every', 'saturday', 'couple', 'week', 'every', 'time', 'bill', 'passed', 'prostitute', 'would', 'offer', 'service', 'fifty', 'dollar', 'would', 'decline', 'say', 'pay', 'five', 'one', 'evening', 'however', 'hillary', 'asked', 'could', 'come', 'along', 'walk', 'bill', 'reluctantly', 'agreed', 'nervous', 'hillary', 'would', 'say', 'prostitute', 'yelled', 'went', 'walk', 'passed', 'alley', 'bill', 'surprise', 'prostitute', 'silent', 'continued', 'walk', 'round', 'corner', 'however', 'heard', 'prostitute', 'voice', 'behind', 'five', 'dollar', 'get', 'huh', 'bill', 'clinton', 'like', 'go', 'walk', 'every', 'saturday', 'evening']",86
"He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies ""I couldn't find it.""",4ce9ff,7869,A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.,"['untied', 'sex', 'guy', 'get', 'bar', 'friend', 'ask', 'late', 'tell', 'girl', 'found', 'different', 'position', 'fucked', 'friend', 'give', 'prop', 'ask', 'got', 'head', 'guy', 'reply', 'could', 'find']","['guy', 'walking', 'bar', 'way', 'found', 'girl', 'tied', 'railroad', 'track']","['untied', 'sex', 'guy', 'get', 'bar', 'friend', 'ask', 'late', 'tell', 'girl', 'found', 'different', 'position', 'fucked', 'friend', 'give', 'prop', 'ask', 'got', 'head', 'guy', 'reply', 'could', 'find', 'guy', 'walking', 'bar', 'way', 'found', 'girl', 'tied', 'railroad', 'track']",33
I told her to go ahead and blow my mind.,3ec6o9,7869,My gf said men only think with their penis.,"['told', 'go', 'ahead', 'blow', 'mind']","['gf', 'said', 'men', 'think', 'penis']","['told', 'go', 'ahead', 'blow', 'mind', 'gf', 'said', 'men', 'think', 'penis']",10
They would eventually find me attractive. ,4ivu8k,7869,If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive...,"['would', 'eventually', 'find', 'attractive']","['dollar', 'every', 'girl', 'found', 'unattractive']","['would', 'eventually', 'find', 'attractive', 'dollar', 'every', 'girl', 'found', 'unattractive']",9
"She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.


She turned out to be an undercover detective.


How cool is that at her age?! ",36vhuj,7862,I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.,"['clever', 'funny', 'flirty', 'sexy', 'suggested', 'meet', 'turned', 'undercover', 'detective', 'cool', 'age']","['met', 'year', 'old', 'girl', 'internet']","['clever', 'funny', 'flirty', 'sexy', 'suggested', 'meet', 'turned', 'undercover', 'detective', 'cool', 'age', 'met', 'year', 'old', 'girl', 'internet']",16
"An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.”

The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.”

And the engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”


[Shamelessly taken from Malcolm Gladwell](http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/05/04/the-engineers-lament)",3bemnl,7858,"A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf","['engineer', 'priest', 'doctor', 'trying', 'enjoying', 'round', 'golf', 'ahead', 'group', 'playing', 'slowly', 'inexpertly', 'frustration', 'three', 'ask', 'greenkeeper', 'explanation', 'group', 'blind', 'firefighter', 'told', 'lost', 'sight', 'saving', 'clubhouse', 'last', 'year', 'let', 'play', 'priest', 'say', 'say', 'prayer', 'doctor', 'say', 'let', 'ask', 'ophthalmologist', 'colleague', 'anything', 'done', 'engineer', 'say', 'play', 'night', 'shamelessly', 'taken', 'malcolm', 'gladwell', 'http']","['priest', 'doctor', 'engineer', 'playing', 'golf']","['engineer', 'priest', 'doctor', 'trying', 'enjoying', 'round', 'golf', 'ahead', 'group', 'playing', 'slowly', 'inexpertly', 'frustration', 'three', 'ask', 'greenkeeper', 'explanation', 'group', 'blind', 'firefighter', 'told', 'lost', 'sight', 'saving', 'clubhouse', 'last', 'year', 'let', 'play', 'priest', 'say', 'say', 'prayer', 'doctor', 'say', 'let', 'ask', 'ophthalmologist', 'colleague', 'anything', 'done', 'engineer', 'say', 'play', 'night', 'shamelessly', 'taken', 'malcolm', 'gladwell', 'http', 'priest', 'doctor', 'engineer', 'playing', 'golf']",55
"Because in charge of directing, Yoda was",3kslip,7855,"Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?","['charge', 'directing', 'yoda']","['star', 'war', 'shot', 'episode']","['charge', 'directing', 'yoda', 'star', 'war', 'shot', 'episode']",7
It's already run out of battery.,38zztm,7828,How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?,"['already', 'run', 'battery']","['apple', 'watch', 'owner', 'know', 'midday']","['already', 'run', 'battery', 'apple', 'watch', 'owner', 'know', 'midday']",8
"
Pao!


Edit: Whoa, FP *and* gold. Thank you! ",3c05wq,7828,What sound does Reddit make when it blows up?,"['pao', 'edit', 'whoa', 'fp', 'gold', 'thank']","['sound', 'reddit', 'make', 'blow']","['pao', 'edit', 'whoa', 'fp', 'gold', 'thank', 'sound', 'reddit', 'make', 'blow']",10
Not having to listen to awful dad jokes.,3z2s4d,7826,What's the best thing about being black?,"['listen', 'awful', 'dad', 'joke']","['best', 'thing', 'black']","['listen', 'awful', 'dad', 'joke', 'best', 'thing', 'black']",7
"An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

""Take a couple swings at that tree over there."" The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

""Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here."" The foreman points out a much larger tree.

One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

""That's incredible!"" Cried the foreman. ""Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!""

""In the Sahara Forest."" Replied the lumberjack.

""Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"" Asked the foreman.

""That's why I'm here.""

[Credit](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2u248l/a_woodchopper_from_the_middle_east_is_looking_for/)",2um5jx,7817,An African Lumberjack,"['african', 'lumberjack', 'interviewing', 'job', 'major', 'logging', 'company', 'foreman', 'decides', 'take', 'practical', 'route', 'hand', 'lumberjack', 'axe', 'take', 'couple', 'swing', 'tree', 'foreman', 'said', 'lumberjack', 'walk', 'tree', 'fell', 'single', 'chop', 'holy', 'smoke', 'got', 'quite', 'arm', 'absolutely', 'hired', 'need', 'know', 'try', 'hand', 'tree', 'foreman', 'point', 'much', 'larger', 'tree', 'one', 'two', 'swing', 'tree', 'crash', 'ground', 'incredible', 'cried', 'foreman', 'wherever', 'learn', 'chop', 'like', 'sahara', 'forest', 'replied', 'lumberjack', 'mean', 'sahara', 'desert', 'asked', 'foreman', 'credit', 'http']","['african', 'lumberjack']","['african', 'lumberjack', 'interviewing', 'job', 'major', 'logging', 'company', 'foreman', 'decides', 'take', 'practical', 'route', 'hand', 'lumberjack', 'axe', 'take', 'couple', 'swing', 'tree', 'foreman', 'said', 'lumberjack', 'walk', 'tree', 'fell', 'single', 'chop', 'holy', 'smoke', 'got', 'quite', 'arm', 'absolutely', 'hired', 'need', 'know', 'try', 'hand', 'tree', 'foreman', 'point', 'much', 'larger', 'tree', 'one', 'two', 'swing', 'tree', 'crash', 'ground', 'incredible', 'cried', 'foreman', 'wherever', 'learn', 'chop', 'like', 'sahara', 'forest', 'replied', 'lumberjack', 'mean', 'sahara', 'desert', 'asked', 'foreman', 'credit', 'http', 'african', 'lumberjack']",70
"The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; ""meh, we will build a bridge in the Sahara"". The king of Belgium approves and so it happens; the Dutch build a bridge in the desert. 

They became the laughing stock of the world. The king of Belgium is pleased and says to king Willem:""Ha ha that was funny, you can remove the bridge.

King Willem responds: ""We can't, there are Belgians on the bridge trying to fish.""",2z45me,7812,So the Belgians are pissed...,"['king', 'belgium', 'fed', 'dutch', 'make', 'joke', 'dumb', 'belgian', 'go', 'king', 'willem', 'netherlands', 'demand', 'dutch', 'something', 'stupid', 'belgian', 'laugh', 'dutch', 'willem', 'want', 'maintain', 'good', 'relation', 'say', 'meh', 'build', 'bridge', 'sahara', 'king', 'belgium', 'approves', 'happens', 'dutch', 'build', 'bridge', 'desert', 'became', 'laughing', 'stock', 'world', 'king', 'belgium', 'pleased', 'say', 'king', 'willem', 'ha', 'ha', 'funny', 'remove', 'bridge', 'king', 'willem', 'responds', 'ca', 'belgian', 'bridge', 'trying', 'fish']","['belgian', 'pissed']","['king', 'belgium', 'fed', 'dutch', 'make', 'joke', 'dumb', 'belgian', 'go', 'king', 'willem', 'netherlands', 'demand', 'dutch', 'something', 'stupid', 'belgian', 'laugh', 'dutch', 'willem', 'want', 'maintain', 'good', 'relation', 'say', 'meh', 'build', 'bridge', 'sahara', 'king', 'belgium', 'approves', 'happens', 'dutch', 'build', 'bridge', 'desert', 'became', 'laughing', 'stock', 'world', 'king', 'belgium', 'pleased', 'say', 'king', 'willem', 'ha', 'ha', 'funny', 'remove', 'bridge', 'king', 'willem', 'responds', 'ca', 'belgian', 'bridge', 'trying', 'fish', 'belgian', 'pissed']",62
"I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.",4g3ow2,7807,Screaming Waitress,"['drinking', 'local', 'bar', 'last', 'night', 'waitress', 'screamed', 'anyone', 'know', 'cpr', 'shouted', 'hell', 'know', 'whole', 'everyone', 'well', 'everyone', 'except', 'one', 'guy']","['screaming', 'waitress']","['drinking', 'local', 'bar', 'last', 'night', 'waitress', 'screamed', 'anyone', 'know', 'cpr', 'shouted', 'hell', 'know', 'whole', 'everyone', 'well', 'everyone', 'except', 'one', 'guy', 'screaming', 'waitress']",22
So I fucked her in the ass and left without paying.,3dxe2u,7795,"I went to a prostitute and asked her if I could do her Greek style. ""Sure"" she said","['fucked', 'as', 'left', 'without', 'paying']","['went', 'prostitute', 'asked', 'could', 'greek', 'style', 'sure', 'said']","['fucked', 'as', 'left', 'without', 'paying', 'went', 'prostitute', 'asked', 'could', 'greek', 'style', 'sure', 'said']",13
Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons. ,3dkaos,7784,I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th...,"['know', 'reduce', 'fraction', 'unlike', 'rest', 'moron']","['celebrate', 'january']","['know', 'reduce', 'fraction', 'unlike', 'rest', 'moron', 'celebrate', 'january']",8
Well they're not laughing now!,4a3qlp,7783,They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.,"['well', 'laughing']","['used', 'laugh', 'said', 'wanted', 'comedian']","['well', 'laughing', 'used', 'laugh', 'said', 'wanted', 'comedian']",7
"Doctor: Give your husband viagra.

Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

Next week she returns, unhappy.

Doctor: Was it good?

Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and fucked me on it right then and there.

Doctor: Well, then what's wrong?

Lady: I'll never be able to show my face at Starbucks again.

----

Edit: To the guys saying that's not how Viagra works. Use some imagination damnit! Assume details if you have to.",2ttve4,7772,A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...,"['doctor', 'give', 'husband', 'viagra', 'lady', 'ca', 'hate', 'pill', 'doctor', 'put', 'coffee', 'next', 'week', 'return', 'unhappy', 'doctor', 'good', 'lady', 'worst', 'sex', 'ever', 'sip', 'coffee', 'pushed', 'everything', 'table', 'fucked', 'right', 'doctor', 'well', 'wrong', 'lady', 'never', 'able', 'show', 'face', 'starbucks', 'edit', 'guy', 'saying', 'viagra', 'work', 'use', 'imagination', 'damnit', 'assume', 'detail']","['lady', 'go', 'doctor', 'help', 'sex', 'life']","['doctor', 'give', 'husband', 'viagra', 'lady', 'ca', 'hate', 'pill', 'doctor', 'put', 'coffee', 'next', 'week', 'return', 'unhappy', 'doctor', 'good', 'lady', 'worst', 'sex', 'ever', 'sip', 'coffee', 'pushed', 'everything', 'table', 'fucked', 'right', 'doctor', 'well', 'wrong', 'lady', 'never', 'able', 'show', 'face', 'starbucks', 'edit', 'guy', 'saying', 'viagra', 'work', 'use', 'imagination', 'damnit', 'assume', 'detail', 'lady', 'go', 'doctor', 'help', 'sex', 'life']",53
"A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, 
 ""I've lost my wife here in the supermarket."" 
 ""Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?""
 
  The woman looked puzzled. 
 ""Why talk to me?"" she asked. 
 
 ""Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!""",3qsl6t,7768,Easy way to search your wife.,"['man', 'approached', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'large', 'supermarket', 'said', 'lost', 'wife', 'supermarket', 'talk', 'couple', 'minute', 'woman', 'looked', 'puzzled', 'talk', 'asked', 'every', 'time', 'talk', 'woman', 'tit', 'like', 'wife', 'appears', 'nowhere']","['easy', 'way', 'search', 'wife']","['man', 'approached', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'large', 'supermarket', 'said', 'lost', 'wife', 'supermarket', 'talk', 'couple', 'minute', 'woman', 'looked', 'puzzled', 'talk', 'asked', 'every', 'time', 'talk', 'woman', 'tit', 'like', 'wife', 'appears', 'nowhere', 'easy', 'way', 'search', 'wife']",31
"An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: ""I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield"".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more. 

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once - nothing; twice - the Indian shivers a bit; thrice - the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks ""May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time"". The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: ""So, what will you use as a shield?""

The Russian: ""The Indian, of course"".",2x8mov,7763,"An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..","['american', 'indian', 'russian', 'got', 'hell', 'plead', 'devil', 'belong', 'devil', 'bored', 'make', 'offer', 'strike', 'time', 'whip', 'survive', 'let', 'go', 'use', 'anything', 'want', 'shield', 'american', 'go', 'first', 'build', 'shield', 'depleted', 'uranium', 'composite', 'hide', 'behind', 'devil', 'strike', 'shield', 'crack', 'twice', 'shield', 'fall', 'apart', 'thrice', 'american', 'next', 'go', 'indian', 'put', 'advanced', 'yoga', 'position', 'go', 'deep', 'hibernation', 'devil', 'strike', 'nothing', 'twice', 'indian', 'shiver', 'bit', 'thrice', 'indian', 'grunt', 'life', 'devil', 'amazed', 'tell', 'free', 'go', 'indian', 'asks', 'may', 'stay', 'watch', 'joke', 'russian', 'somehow', 'come', 'top', 'want', 'see', 'time', 'devil', 'nod', 'turn', 'russian', 'use', 'shield', 'russian', 'indian', 'course']","['american', 'indian', 'russian', 'got', 'hell']","['american', 'indian', 'russian', 'got', 'hell', 'plead', 'devil', 'belong', 'devil', 'bored', 'make', 'offer', 'strike', 'time', 'whip', 'survive', 'let', 'go', 'use', 'anything', 'want', 'shield', 'american', 'go', 'first', 'build', 'shield', 'depleted', 'uranium', 'composite', 'hide', 'behind', 'devil', 'strike', 'shield', 'crack', 'twice', 'shield', 'fall', 'apart', 'thrice', 'american', 'next', 'go', 'indian', 'put', 'advanced', 'yoga', 'position', 'go', 'deep', 'hibernation', 'devil', 'strike', 'nothing', 'twice', 'indian', 'shiver', 'bit', 'thrice', 'indian', 'grunt', 'life', 'devil', 'amazed', 'tell', 'free', 'go', 'indian', 'asks', 'may', 'stay', 'watch', 'joke', 'russian', 'somehow', 'come', 'top', 'want', 'see', 'time', 'devil', 'nod', 'turn', 'russian', 'use', 'shield', 'russian', 'indian', 'course', 'american', 'indian', 'russian', 'got', 'hell']",95
"A farmer buys a young cock.  As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed.  At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.  Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says, ""You deserved it, you horny bastard!  ""The cock opens one eye,points up and says,""Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!""",51y3qq,7750,A farmer buys a young cock...,"['farmer', 'buy', 'young', 'cock', 'soon', 'get', 'home', 'fuck', 'farmer', 'hen', 'farmer', 'impressed', 'lunch', 'cock', 'screw', 'hen', 'next', 'day', 'fucking', 'duck', 'goose', 'sadly', 'later', 'day', 'find', 'cock', 'lying', 'ground', 'vulture', 'circling', 'overhead', 'farmer', 'say', 'deserved', 'horny', 'bastard', 'cock', 'open', 'one', 'eye', 'point', 'say', 'shhhhhh', 'land']","['farmer', 'buy', 'young', 'cock']","['farmer', 'buy', 'young', 'cock', 'soon', 'get', 'home', 'fuck', 'farmer', 'hen', 'farmer', 'impressed', 'lunch', 'cock', 'screw', 'hen', 'next', 'day', 'fucking', 'duck', 'goose', 'sadly', 'later', 'day', 'find', 'cock', 'lying', 'ground', 'vulture', 'circling', 'overhead', 'farmer', 'say', 'deserved', 'horny', 'bastard', 'cock', 'open', 'one', 'eye', 'point', 'say', 'shhhhhh', 'land', 'farmer', 'buy', 'young', 'cock']",48
"He looks up to heaven and says ""God, could you answer a question for me?""

""Of course, my son,"" says God, ""what would you like to know?""

""God, what is a million years to you?""

""Well,"" says God, ""a million years to me is as a second.""

""Hmm,"" says the man. ""I guess I understand. So what is a million dollars to you then?""

""My son,"" God says, ""a million dollars to me is as a penny.""

""Hmm,"" says the man. He goes back to praying, but after a little while he looks up again.

""God,"" he asks, ""can I have a penny?""

""Sure,"" God says. ""Just a second.""",4syy66,7739,A man is praying in church.,"['look', 'heaven', 'say', 'god', 'could', 'answer', 'question', 'course', 'son', 'say', 'god', 'would', 'like', 'know', 'god', 'million', 'year', 'well', 'say', 'god', 'million', 'year', 'second', 'hmm', 'say', 'man', 'guess', 'understand', 'million', 'dollar', 'son', 'god', 'say', 'million', 'dollar', 'penny', 'hmm', 'say', 'man', 'go', 'back', 'praying', 'little', 'look', 'god', 'asks', 'penny', 'sure', 'god', 'say', 'second']","['man', 'praying', 'church']","['look', 'heaven', 'say', 'god', 'could', 'answer', 'question', 'course', 'son', 'say', 'god', 'would', 'like', 'know', 'god', 'million', 'year', 'well', 'say', 'god', 'million', 'year', 'second', 'hmm', 'say', 'man', 'guess', 'understand', 'million', 'dollar', 'son', 'god', 'say', 'million', 'dollar', 'penny', 'hmm', 'say', 'man', 'go', 'back', 'praying', 'little', 'look', 'god', 'asks', 'penny', 'sure', 'god', 'say', 'second', 'man', 'praying', 'church']",54
"I said, ""Dude, it's 2016 you can use any printer you want.""",4928ql,7737,I work in a library and a black guy asked me if there are any coloured printers...,"['said', 'dude', 'use', 'printer', 'want']","['work', 'library', 'black', 'guy', 'asked', 'coloured', 'printer']","['said', 'dude', 'use', 'printer', 'want', 'work', 'library', 'black', 'guy', 'asked', 'coloured', 'printer']",12
"His ears.

Oooo! I get to say it! ""Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!"" Oh yea, and ""RIP my inbox""
Good times!  
",3s27kw,7734,What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's masturbating?,"['ear', 'oooo', 'get', 'say', 'front', 'page', 'wow', 'thanks', 'oh', 'yea', 'rip', 'inbox', 'good', 'time']","['sensitive', 'part', 'man', 'anatomy', 'masturbating']","['ear', 'oooo', 'get', 'say', 'front', 'page', 'wow', 'thanks', 'oh', 'yea', 'rip', 'inbox', 'good', 'time', 'sensitive', 'part', 'man', 'anatomy', 'masturbating']",19
Battle Royale with Cheese.,2o74on,7720,What do they call the Hunger Games in France?,"['battle', 'royale', 'cheese']","['call', 'hunger', 'game', 'france']","['battle', 'royale', 'cheese', 'call', 'hunger', 'game', 'france']",7
"Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word ""tragedy.""
So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: ""If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.""
""No,"" says Mr Trump, ""that would be an accident.""
A little girl raises her hand: ""If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.""
""I'm afraid not,"" explains the exalted businessman. ""That's what we would call a great loss.""
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. ""Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?""
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: ""If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.""
""Fantastic!"" exclaims Mr Trump, ""That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?""
""Well,"" says the boy, ""because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.""
",3nwms8,7718,Donald Trump visits an elementary school,"['donald', 'trump', 'visiting', 'elementary', 'school', 'visit', 'one', 'class', 'middle', 'discussion', 'related', 'word', 'meaning', 'teacher', 'asks', 'mr', 'trump', 'would', 'like', 'lead', 'discussion', 'word', 'tragedy', 'asks', 'class', 'example', 'tragedy', 'one', 'little', 'boy', 'stand', 'offer', 'best', 'friend', 'life', 'farm', 'playing', 'field', 'runaway', 'tractor', 'come', 'along', 'knock', 'dead', 'would', 'tragedy', 'say', 'mr', 'trump', 'would', 'accident', 'little', 'girl', 'raise', 'hand', 'school', 'bus', 'carrying', 'child', 'drove', 'cliff', 'killing', 'everyone', 'inside', 'would', 'tragedy', 'afraid', 'explains', 'exalted', 'businessman', 'would', 'call', 'great', 'loss', 'room', 'go', 'silent', 'child', 'volunteer', 'mr', 'trump', 'search', 'room', 'someone', 'give', 'example', 'tragedy', 'finally', 'back', 'room', 'little', 'johnny', 'raise', 'hand', 'quiet', 'voice', 'say', 'private', 'jet', 'carrying', 'struck', 'missile', 'blown', 'smithereens', 'would', 'tragedy', 'fantastic', 'exclaims', 'mr', 'trump', 'right', 'tell', 'would', 'tragedy', 'well', 'say', 'boy', 'sure', 'hell', 'would', 'great', 'loss', 'probably', 'would', 'accident', 'either']","['donald', 'trump', 'visit', 'elementary', 'school']","['donald', 'trump', 'visiting', 'elementary', 'school', 'visit', 'one', 'class', 'middle', 'discussion', 'related', 'word', 'meaning', 'teacher', 'asks', 'mr', 'trump', 'would', 'like', 'lead', 'discussion', 'word', 'tragedy', 'asks', 'class', 'example', 'tragedy', 'one', 'little', 'boy', 'stand', 'offer', 'best', 'friend', 'life', 'farm', 'playing', 'field', 'runaway', 'tractor', 'come', 'along', 'knock', 'dead', 'would', 'tragedy', 'say', 'mr', 'trump', 'would', 'accident', 'little', 'girl', 'raise', 'hand', 'school', 'bus', 'carrying', 'child', 'drove', 'cliff', 'killing', 'everyone', 'inside', 'would', 'tragedy', 'afraid', 'explains', 'exalted', 'businessman', 'would', 'call', 'great', 'loss', 'room', 'go', 'silent', 'child', 'volunteer', 'mr', 'trump', 'search', 'room', 'someone', 'give', 'example', 'tragedy', 'finally', 'back', 'room', 'little', 'johnny', 'raise', 'hand', 'quiet', 'voice', 'say', 'private', 'jet', 'carrying', 'struck', 'missile', 'blown', 'smithereens', 'would', 'tragedy', 'fantastic', 'exclaims', 'mr', 'trump', 'right', 'tell', 'would', 'tragedy', 'well', 'say', 'boy', 'sure', 'hell', 'would', 'great', 'loss', 'probably', 'would', 'accident', 'either', 'donald', 'trump', 'visit', 'elementary', 'school']",131
"Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one ""D"" away from 'Netflix and Child.'",3uyd9z,7701,Sex Ed in 2015,"['remember', 'kid', 'chill', 'one', 'away', 'child']","['sex', 'ed']","['remember', 'kid', 'chill', 'one', 'away', 'child', 'sex', 'ed']",8
Holy shit this blew up ,3dm3f8,7700,"""I am"" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ""I do"" is the longest sentence?","['holy', 'shit', 'blew']","['reportedly', 'shortest', 'sentence', 'english', 'language', 'could', 'longest', 'sentence']","['holy', 'shit', 'blew', 'reportedly', 'shortest', 'sentence', 'english', 'language', 'could', 'longest', 'sentence']",11
Income.,4m9vxq,7687,What are pornstars paid?,['income'],"['pornstars', 'paid']","['income', 'pornstars', 'paid']",3
"an Envelope
 EDIT: My deepest Canadian apologies to those who are calling this a riddle. I always took it as a cheesy joke",39ku0h,7686,"What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter?","['envelope', 'edit', 'deepest', 'canadian', 'apology', 'calling', 'riddle', 'always', 'took', 'cheesy', 'joke']","['start', 'e', 'end', 'e', 'contains', 'one', 'letter']","['envelope', 'edit', 'deepest', 'canadian', 'apology', 'calling', 'riddle', 'always', 'took', 'cheesy', 'joke', 'start', 'e', 'end', 'e', 'contains', 'one', 'letter']",18
"A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and a juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

 

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said that if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

 

The trooper said he had some flares and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

 

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

 

The drunk replied, ""You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.""",37kitr,7657,State Trooper pulls a car over,"['texas', 'state', 'trooper', 'pulled', 'car', 'mile', 'south', 'waco', 'texas', 'trooper', 'asked', 'driver', 'speeding', 'driver', 'said', 'magician', 'juggler', 'way', 'austin', 'show', 'shrine', 'circus', 'want', 'late', 'trooper', 'told', 'driver', 'fascinated', 'juggling', 'said', 'driver', 'would', 'little', 'juggling', 'would', 'give', 'ticket', 'told', 'trooper', 'sent', 'equipment', 'ahead', 'anything', 'juggle', 'trooper', 'said', 'flare', 'asked', 'could', 'juggle', 'juggler', 'said', 'could', 'trooper', 'got', 'flare', 'lit', 'handed', 'juggler', 'man', 'juggling', 'car', 'pulled', 'behind', 'state', 'trooper', 'car', 'drunken', 'good', 'old', 'boy', 'central', 'texas', 'got', 'watched', 'performance', 'went', 'trooper', 'car', 'opened', 'rear', 'door', 'got', 'trooper', 'observed', 'went', 'car', 'opened', 'door', 'asking', 'drunk', 'thought', 'drunk', 'replied', 'might', 'well', 'take', 'as', 'jail', 'cause', 'ai', 'way', 'pas', 'test']","['state', 'trooper', 'pull', 'car']","['texas', 'state', 'trooper', 'pulled', 'car', 'mile', 'south', 'waco', 'texas', 'trooper', 'asked', 'driver', 'speeding', 'driver', 'said', 'magician', 'juggler', 'way', 'austin', 'show', 'shrine', 'circus', 'want', 'late', 'trooper', 'told', 'driver', 'fascinated', 'juggling', 'said', 'driver', 'would', 'little', 'juggling', 'would', 'give', 'ticket', 'told', 'trooper', 'sent', 'equipment', 'ahead', 'anything', 'juggle', 'trooper', 'said', 'flare', 'asked', 'could', 'juggle', 'juggler', 'said', 'could', 'trooper', 'got', 'flare', 'lit', 'handed', 'juggler', 'man', 'juggling', 'car', 'pulled', 'behind', 'state', 'trooper', 'car', 'drunken', 'good', 'old', 'boy', 'central', 'texas', 'got', 'watched', 'performance', 'went', 'trooper', 'car', 'opened', 'rear', 'door', 'got', 'trooper', 'observed', 'went', 'car', 'opened', 'door', 'asking', 'drunk', 'thought', 'drunk', 'replied', 'might', 'well', 'take', 'as', 'jail', 'cause', 'ai', 'way', 'pas', 'test', 'state', 'trooper', 'pull', 'car']",108
"My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”",365khy,7653,Teenage sex,"['teenage', 'daughter', 'came', 'home', 'rage', 'done', 'sex', 'education', 'school', 'today', 'dad', 'lied', 'told', 'sex', 'sixteenth', 'birthday', 'boyfriend', 'die', 'put', 'paper', 'oh', 'sweetheart']","['teenage', 'sex']","['teenage', 'daughter', 'came', 'home', 'rage', 'done', 'sex', 'education', 'school', 'today', 'dad', 'lied', 'told', 'sex', 'sixteenth', 'birthday', 'boyfriend', 'die', 'put', 'paper', 'oh', 'sweetheart', 'teenage', 'sex']",24
"Step 1

Step 2

Step 5

Step 9

Step 12

Floor",4dg4l3,7646,How to Fall Down the Stairs,"['step', 'step', 'step', 'step', 'step', 'floor']","['fall', 'stair']","['step', 'step', 'step', 'step', 'step', 'floor', 'fall', 'stair']",8
"She replied:


""Beats the hell outta me""


Edit: holy shit front page, thanks guys",3mmm91,7645,"Rihanna was asked; ""why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?""","['replied', 'beat', 'hell', 'outta', 'edit', 'holy', 'shit', 'front', 'page', 'thanks', 'guy']","['rihanna', 'asked', 'think', 'chris', 'brown', 'denied', 'visa', 'australia']","['replied', 'beat', 'hell', 'outta', 'edit', 'holy', 'shit', 'front', 'page', 'thanks', 'guy', 'rihanna', 'asked', 'think', 'chris', 'brown', 'denied', 'visa', 'australia']",19
Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.',2t6med,7644,*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?',"['candidate', 'say', 'biggest', 'weakness', 'listening', 'skill']","['interview', 'interviewer', 'long', 'employed', 'last', 'job']","['candidate', 'say', 'biggest', 'weakness', 'listening', 'skill', 'interview', 'interviewer', 'long', 'employed', 'last', 'job']",12
Free,2s6mtp,7628,I like my coffee like I like my slaves...,['free'],"['like', 'coffee', 'like', 'like', 'slave']","['free', 'like', 'coffee', 'like', 'like', 'slave']",6
Which makes me an eighth theist.,4jelh0,7606,I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.,"['make', 'eighth', 'theist']","['believe', 'everything', 'bible', 'say']","['make', 'eighth', 'theist', 'believe', 'everything', 'bible', 'say']",7
Come on guys.,3a20id,7603,I've been seeing some anti-gay humor on this sub lately and wanted to say something: Gay jokes ARE NOT funny.,"['come', 'guy']","['seeing', 'humor', 'sub', 'lately', 'wanted', 'say', 'something', 'gay', 'joke', 'funny']","['come', 'guy', 'seeing', 'humor', 'sub', 'lately', 'wanted', 'say', 'something', 'gay', 'joke', 'funny']",12
"""Hurry!"" she said.  ""Stand in the corner.""  She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.  ""Don't move until I tell you to,"" she whispered.  ""Just pretend you're a statue.""

""What's this, honey?"" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

""Oh, it's just a statue,"" she replied nonchalantly.  ""The Smiths bought one for their bedroom.  I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.""

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.  

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. 

""Here,"" he said to the 'statue'.  ""Eat something.  I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.""",3kayui,7588,A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.,"['hurry', 'said', 'stand', 'corner', 'quickly', 'rubbed', 'baby', 'oil', 'dusted', 'talcum', 'powder', 'move', 'tell', 'whispered', 'pretend', 'statue', 'honey', 'husband', 'inquired', 'entered', 'room', 'oh', 'statue', 'replied', 'nonchalantly', 'smith', 'bought', 'one', 'bedroom', 'liked', 'much', 'got', 'one', 'u', 'said', 'statue', 'even', 'later', 'night', 'went', 'sleep', 'around', 'two', 'morning', 'husband', 'got', 'bed', 'went', 'kitchen', 'returned', 'later', 'sandwich', 'glass', 'milk', 'said', 'eat', 'something', 'stood', 'like', 'idiot', 'smith', 'three', 'day', 'nobody', 'offered', 'much', 'glass', 'water']","['woman', 'bed', 'lover', 'heard', 'husband', 'opening', 'front', 'door']","['hurry', 'said', 'stand', 'corner', 'quickly', 'rubbed', 'baby', 'oil', 'dusted', 'talcum', 'powder', 'move', 'tell', 'whispered', 'pretend', 'statue', 'honey', 'husband', 'inquired', 'entered', 'room', 'oh', 'statue', 'replied', 'nonchalantly', 'smith', 'bought', 'one', 'bedroom', 'liked', 'much', 'got', 'one', 'u', 'said', 'statue', 'even', 'later', 'night', 'went', 'sleep', 'around', 'two', 'morning', 'husband', 'got', 'bed', 'went', 'kitchen', 'returned', 'later', 'sandwich', 'glass', 'milk', 'said', 'eat', 'something', 'stood', 'like', 'idiot', 'smith', 'three', 'day', 'nobody', 'offered', 'much', 'glass', 'water', 'woman', 'bed', 'lover', 'heard', 'husband', 'opening', 'front', 'door']",76
"The man at customs asks him
""Do you have a criminal record?""
The British man replies
""I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more.""",4onshn,7572,A British man is visiting Australia.,"['man', 'custom', 'asks', 'criminal', 'record', 'british', 'man', 'reply', 'think', 'need', 'one', 'get', 'australia']","['british', 'man', 'visiting', 'australia']","['man', 'custom', 'asks', 'criminal', 'record', 'british', 'man', 'reply', 'think', 'need', 'one', 'get', 'australia', 'british', 'man', 'visiting', 'australia']",17
"""friends""",4uyb83,7569,"If men call short women ""petite"", what do women call short men?",['friend'],"['men', 'call', 'short', 'woman', 'petite', 'woman', 'call', 'short', 'men']","['friend', 'men', 'call', 'short', 'woman', 'petite', 'woman', 'call', 'short', 'men']",10
The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames,2csb4u,7566,I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...,"['first', 'one', 'got', 'response', 'second', 'one', 'shot', 'flame']","['heard', 'guy', 'tell', 'two', 'terrible', 'malaysian', 'airline', 'joke']","['first', 'one', 'got', 'response', 'second', 'one', 'shot', 'flame', 'heard', 'guy', 'tell', 'two', 'terrible', 'malaysian', 'airline', 'joke']",16
"So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok.  I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of.  As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies.  I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there.  Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?",2t44ce,7562,LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls,"['took', 'shower', 'earlier', 'today', 'left', 'year', 'old', 'son', 'living', 'room', 'tv', 'thinking', 'would', 'ok', 'come', 'minute', 'later', 'covered', 'entire', 'living', 'room', 'green', 'permanent', 'marker', 'somehow', 'got', 'hold', 'imagine', 'flipped', 'immediately', 'ran', 'store', 'buy', 'cleaning', 'supply', 'tried', 'least', 'five', 'different', 'type', 'scrubbed', 'least', 'half', 'hour', 'stain', 'still', 'anybody', 'good', 'method', 'getting', 'blood', 'carpet']","['lpt', 'request', 'year', 'old', 'son', 'drew', 'permanent', 'marker', 'wall']","['took', 'shower', 'earlier', 'today', 'left', 'year', 'old', 'son', 'living', 'room', 'tv', 'thinking', 'would', 'ok', 'come', 'minute', 'later', 'covered', 'entire', 'living', 'room', 'green', 'permanent', 'marker', 'somehow', 'got', 'hold', 'imagine', 'flipped', 'immediately', 'ran', 'store', 'buy', 'cleaning', 'supply', 'tried', 'least', 'five', 'different', 'type', 'scrubbed', 'least', 'half', 'hour', 'stain', 'still', 'anybody', 'good', 'method', 'getting', 'blood', 'carpet', 'lpt', 'request', 'year', 'old', 'son', 'drew', 'permanent', 'marker', 'wall']",61
"You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of ""go ask your mom""",3zk950,7561,Having gay parents must be horrible,"['either', 'get', 'twice', 'usual', 'amount', 'dad', 'joke', 'get', 'stuck', 'infinite', 'loop', 'go', 'ask', 'mom']","['gay', 'parent', 'must', 'horrible']","['either', 'get', 'twice', 'usual', 'amount', 'dad', 'joke', 'get', 'stuck', 'infinite', 'loop', 'go', 'ask', 'mom', 'gay', 'parent', 'must', 'horrible']",18
"Because there is zero drag.

 

 

^^I ^^literally ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^2 ^^hours ^^ago.

 

 

 

Edit: ***SANITIZED VERSION***

 

Q: Why are there no drag queens in space?

A: Because there is very little drag and whatever drag there is in LEO is caused by miniscule amounts of athmospheric gasses and tidal forces! HAHAHAHAHAH!

 

 

^^I ^^figuratively ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^while ^^banging ^^my ^^head ^^aginst ^^a ^^wall.",3jzh41,7550,Why are there no transvestites in space?,"['zero', 'drag', 'nbsp', 'nbsp', 'nbsp', 'nbsp', 'nbsp', 'edit', 'sanitized', 'version', 'nbsp', 'q', 'drag', 'queen', 'space', 'little', 'drag', 'whatever', 'drag', 'leo', 'caused', 'miniscule', 'amount', 'athmospheric', 'gas', 'tidal', 'force', 'hahahahahah', 'nbsp', 'nbsp']","['transvestite', 'space']","['zero', 'drag', 'nbsp', 'nbsp', 'nbsp', 'nbsp', 'nbsp', 'edit', 'sanitized', 'version', 'nbsp', 'q', 'drag', 'queen', 'space', 'little', 'drag', 'whatever', 'drag', 'leo', 'caused', 'miniscule', 'amount', 'athmospheric', 'gas', 'tidal', 'force', 'hahahahahah', 'nbsp', 'nbsp', 'transvestite', 'space']",32
Oh the irony.,3ayhb6,7539,Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.,"['oh', 'irony']","['pretty', 'soon', 'place', 'able', 'buy', 'confederate', 'flag', 'black', 'market']","['oh', 'irony', 'pretty', 'soon', 'place', 'able', 'buy', 'confederate', 'flag', 'black', 'market']",11
"A boy asks his dad ""Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?""

The dad replies,""It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black.""",4iumvg,7534,A boy asks his dad a question,"['boy', 'asks', 'dad', 'say', 'gardener', 'green', 'thumb', 'thumb', 'green', 'dad', 'reply', 'saying', 'son', 'like', 'somebody', 'caught', 'stealing', 'say', 'caught', 'handed', 'even', 'though', 'hand', 'black']","['boy', 'asks', 'dad', 'question']","['boy', 'asks', 'dad', 'say', 'gardener', 'green', 'thumb', 'thumb', 'green', 'dad', 'reply', 'saying', 'son', 'like', 'somebody', 'caught', 'stealing', 'say', 'caught', 'handed', 'even', 'though', 'hand', 'black', 'boy', 'asks', 'dad', 'question']",28
"A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ""You must be single.""

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, ""Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?""

The drunk replied, ""'Cuz you're ugly.""",2tqol9,7530,You must be single...,"['woman', 'shopping', 'local', 'supermarket', 'selected', 'milk', 'carton', 'egg', 'quart', 'orange', 'juice', 'head', 'romaine', 'lettuce', 'lb', 'coffee', 'lb', 'package', 'bacon', 'unloading', 'item', 'onto', 'conveyor', 'belt', 'check', 'drunk', 'standing', 'behind', 'watching', 'cashier', 'ringing', 'purchase', 'drunk', 'calmly', 'stated', 'must', 'single', 'woman', 'bit', 'startled', 'proclamation', 'intrigued', 'derelict', 'intuition', 'since', 'indeed', 'single', 'looked', 'six', 'item', 'belt', 'saw', 'nothing', 'particularly', 'unusual', 'selection', 'could', 'tipped', 'drunk', 'marital', 'status', 'curiosity', 'getting', 'better', 'said', 'well', 'know', 'absolutely', 'correct', 'earth', 'know', 'drunk', 'replied', 'ugly']","['must', 'single']","['woman', 'shopping', 'local', 'supermarket', 'selected', 'milk', 'carton', 'egg', 'quart', 'orange', 'juice', 'head', 'romaine', 'lettuce', 'lb', 'coffee', 'lb', 'package', 'bacon', 'unloading', 'item', 'onto', 'conveyor', 'belt', 'check', 'drunk', 'standing', 'behind', 'watching', 'cashier', 'ringing', 'purchase', 'drunk', 'calmly', 'stated', 'must', 'single', 'woman', 'bit', 'startled', 'proclamation', 'intrigued', 'derelict', 'intuition', 'since', 'indeed', 'single', 'looked', 'six', 'item', 'belt', 'saw', 'nothing', 'particularly', 'unusual', 'selection', 'could', 'tipped', 'drunk', 'marital', 'status', 'curiosity', 'getting', 'better', 'said', 'well', 'know', 'absolutely', 'correct', 'earth', 'know', 'drunk', 'replied', 'ugly', 'must', 'single']",76
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 

""Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"" 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 

""Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler

""Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?""

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, ""No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.""",4gc92n,7518,"An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....","['old', 'blind', 'cowboy', 'wanders', 'biker', 'bar', 'mistake', 'find', 'way', 'bar', 'stool', 'order', 'coffee', 'sitting', 'yell', 'waiter', 'hey', 'wan', 'na', 'hear', 'blonde', 'joke', 'bar', 'immediately', 'fall', 'absolutely', 'silent', 'deep', 'husky', 'voice', 'woman', 'next', 'say', 'tell', 'joke', 'cowboy', 'think', 'fair', 'given', 'blind', 'know', 'five', 'thing', 'bartender', 'blonde', 'girl', 'baseball', 'bat', 'bouncer', 'blonde', 'girl', 'tall', 'blonde', 'woman', 'black', 'belt', 'karate', 'woman', 'sitting', 'next', 'blonde', 'professional', 'weightlifter', 'lady', 'right', 'blonde', 'professional', 'wrestler', 'think', 'seriously', 'mister', 'still', 'wan', 'na', 'tell', 'joke', 'blind', 'cowboy', 'think', 'second', 'shake', 'head', 'mutter', 'gon', 'na', 'explain', 'five', 'time']","['old', 'blind', 'cowboy', 'wanders', 'bar']","['old', 'blind', 'cowboy', 'wanders', 'biker', 'bar', 'mistake', 'find', 'way', 'bar', 'stool', 'order', 'coffee', 'sitting', 'yell', 'waiter', 'hey', 'wan', 'na', 'hear', 'blonde', 'joke', 'bar', 'immediately', 'fall', 'absolutely', 'silent', 'deep', 'husky', 'voice', 'woman', 'next', 'say', 'tell', 'joke', 'cowboy', 'think', 'fair', 'given', 'blind', 'know', 'five', 'thing', 'bartender', 'blonde', 'girl', 'baseball', 'bat', 'bouncer', 'blonde', 'girl', 'tall', 'blonde', 'woman', 'black', 'belt', 'karate', 'woman', 'sitting', 'next', 'blonde', 'professional', 'weightlifter', 'lady', 'right', 'blonde', 'professional', 'wrestler', 'think', 'seriously', 'mister', 'still', 'wan', 'na', 'tell', 'joke', 'blind', 'cowboy', 'think', 'second', 'shake', 'head', 'mutter', 'gon', 'na', 'explain', 'five', 'time', 'old', 'blind', 'cowboy', 'wanders', 'bar']",93
"A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past. 

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, ""hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?""


The old man said, ""but I won't be able to...""

Prostitute: ""c'mon man.... give it a try... ""

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. 

When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, ""but you said you won't be able to....""


""...pay you"" replied the old man.",35xexf,7511,Old man and the prostitute [NSFW],"['prostitute', 'standing', 'outside', 'motel', 'small', 'town', 'saw', 'year', 'old', 'man', 'walking', 'past', 'customer', 'whistle', 'say', 'hey', 'would', 'like', 'fun', 'time', 'old', 'man', 'said', 'wo', 'able', 'prostitute', 'man', 'give', 'try', 'old', 'man', 'say', 'okay', 'go', 'old', 'man', 'whip', 'incher', 'fuck', 'daylight', 'minute', 'done', 'prostitute', 'exhausted', 'tired', 'say', 'said', 'wo', 'able', 'pay', 'replied', 'old', 'man']","['old', 'man', 'prostitute', 'nsfw']","['prostitute', 'standing', 'outside', 'motel', 'small', 'town', 'saw', 'year', 'old', 'man', 'walking', 'past', 'customer', 'whistle', 'say', 'hey', 'would', 'like', 'fun', 'time', 'old', 'man', 'said', 'wo', 'able', 'prostitute', 'man', 'give', 'try', 'old', 'man', 'say', 'okay', 'go', 'old', 'man', 'whip', 'incher', 'fuck', 'daylight', 'minute', 'done', 'prostitute', 'exhausted', 'tired', 'say', 'said', 'wo', 'able', 'pay', 'replied', 'old', 'man', 'old', 'man', 'prostitute', 'nsfw']",57
It's not a question. ,38rtoj,7507,How Long is a Chinese name.,['question'],"['long', 'chinese', 'name']","['question', 'long', 'chinese', 'name']",4
"Now I drink for evil

EDIT: Thanks for front page",3cgs07,7507,I've finally stopped drinking for good.,"['drink', 'evil', 'edit', 'thanks', 'front', 'page']","['finally', 'stopped', 'drinking', 'good']","['drink', 'evil', 'edit', 'thanks', 'front', 'page', 'finally', 'stopped', 'drinking', 'good']",10
"In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...",2o9fln,7504,We should've known about the failure of communism,"['retrospect', 'lot', 'red', 'flag']","['known', 'failure', 'communism']","['retrospect', 'lot', 'red', 'flag', 'known', 'failure', 'communism']",7
On the front page of reddit.,4bpvk5,7501,What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?,"['front', 'page', 'reddit']","['best', 'way', 'break', 'girlfriend']","['front', 'page', 'reddit', 'best', 'way', 'break', 'girlfriend']",7
"A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.

So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. ""Take another sip!"" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. ""Another!"" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.

The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he's hit by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.

""What a shame"" his dad said. 

""He should have quit while he was ahead""",3wpf1g,7489,A boy was born without a body,"['boy', 'born', 'without', 'body', 'arm', 'leg', 'head', 'birthday', 'dad', 'take', 'pub', 'first', 'pint', 'take', 'sip', 'boom', 'body', 'pop', 'take', 'another', 'sip', 'everyone', 'shout', 'boom', 'arm', 'pop', 'another', 'everyone', 'chant', 'take', 'another', 'sip', 'leg', 'pop', 'boy', 'really', 'happy', 'run', 'outside', 'excitement', 'hit', 'oncoming', 'truck', 'killed', 'instantly', 'shame', 'dad', 'said', 'quit', 'ahead']","['boy', 'born', 'without', 'body']","['boy', 'born', 'without', 'body', 'arm', 'leg', 'head', 'birthday', 'dad', 'take', 'pub', 'first', 'pint', 'take', 'sip', 'boom', 'body', 'pop', 'take', 'another', 'sip', 'everyone', 'shout', 'boom', 'arm', 'pop', 'another', 'everyone', 'chant', 'take', 'another', 'sip', 'leg', 'pop', 'boy', 'really', 'happy', 'run', 'outside', 'excitement', 'hit', 'oncoming', 'truck', 'killed', 'instantly', 'shame', 'dad', 'said', 'quit', 'ahead', 'boy', 'born', 'without', 'body']",54
"The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.

After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.

The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.”

The man asks, “Why not?”

And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”",2ir6dh,7477,A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.,"['town', 'much', 'money', 'take', 'care', 'prisoner', 'sheriff', 'get', 'idea', 'decides', 'charge', 'money', 'let', 'townspeople', 'punish', 'crook', 'use', 'money', 'keep', 'jail', 'long', 'sheriff', 'figure', 'even', 'short', 'stay', 'jail', 'plenty', 'little', 'justice', 'townspeople', 'sheriff', 'take', 'criminal', 'town', 'square', 'handcuff', 'post', 'set', 'shop', 'tell', 'people', 'punishment', 'fit', 'crime', 'anyone', 'pay', 'kick', 'rapist', 'groin', 'since', 'con', 'artist', 'used', 'image', 'wrong', 'victim', 'anyone', 'pay', 'hit', 'face', 'two', 'long', 'line', 'criminal', 'people', 'paying', 'even', 'get', 'lick', 'long', 'guy', 'step', 'turn', 'see', 'con', 'artist', 'face', 'bloody', 'pulp', 'think', 'beat', 'point', 'probably', 'even', 'feel', 'anything', 'anymore', 'going', 'waste', 'money', 'guy', 'walk', 'kick', 'con', 'artist', 'squarely', 'groin', 'sheriff', 'see', 'hurry', 'say', 'hey', 'son', 'man', 'asks', 'sheriff', 'reply', 'punch', 'line']","['rapist', 'con', 'artist', 'get', 'caught', 'sheriff', 'small', 'town']","['town', 'much', 'money', 'take', 'care', 'prisoner', 'sheriff', 'get', 'idea', 'decides', 'charge', 'money', 'let', 'townspeople', 'punish', 'crook', 'use', 'money', 'keep', 'jail', 'long', 'sheriff', 'figure', 'even', 'short', 'stay', 'jail', 'plenty', 'little', 'justice', 'townspeople', 'sheriff', 'take', 'criminal', 'town', 'square', 'handcuff', 'post', 'set', 'shop', 'tell', 'people', 'punishment', 'fit', 'crime', 'anyone', 'pay', 'kick', 'rapist', 'groin', 'since', 'con', 'artist', 'used', 'image', 'wrong', 'victim', 'anyone', 'pay', 'hit', 'face', 'two', 'long', 'line', 'criminal', 'people', 'paying', 'even', 'get', 'lick', 'long', 'guy', 'step', 'turn', 'see', 'con', 'artist', 'face', 'bloody', 'pulp', 'think', 'beat', 'point', 'probably', 'even', 'feel', 'anything', 'anymore', 'going', 'waste', 'money', 'guy', 'walk', 'kick', 'con', 'artist', 'squarely', 'groin', 'sheriff', 'see', 'hurry', 'say', 'hey', 'son', 'man', 'asks', 'sheriff', 'reply', 'punch', 'line', 'rapist', 'con', 'artist', 'get', 'caught', 'sheriff', 'small', 'town']",118
The execution,4tw95r,7472,What makes an ISIS joke funny?,['execution'],"['make', 'isi', 'joke', 'funny']","['execution', 'make', 'isi', 'joke', 'funny']",5
"...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?

Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied,

“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”",27v7ym,7467,A young boy enters a barber shop..,"['barber', 'whisper', 'customer', 'dumbest', 'kid', 'world', 'watch', 'prove', 'barber', 'put', 'dollar', 'bill', 'one', 'hand', 'two', 'quarter', 'call', 'boy', 'asks', 'want', 'son', 'boy', 'take', 'quarter', 'leaf', 'tell', 'said', 'barber', 'kid', 'never', 'learns', 'later', 'customer', 'leaf', 'see', 'young', 'boy', 'coming', 'ice', 'cream', 'store', 'hey', 'son', 'may', 'ask', 'question', 'take', 'quarter', 'instead', 'dollar', 'bill', 'boy', 'licked', 'cone', 'replied', 'day', 'take', 'dollar', 'game']","['young', 'boy', 'enters', 'barber', 'shop']","['barber', 'whisper', 'customer', 'dumbest', 'kid', 'world', 'watch', 'prove', 'barber', 'put', 'dollar', 'bill', 'one', 'hand', 'two', 'quarter', 'call', 'boy', 'asks', 'want', 'son', 'boy', 'take', 'quarter', 'leaf', 'tell', 'said', 'barber', 'kid', 'never', 'learns', 'later', 'customer', 'leaf', 'see', 'young', 'boy', 'coming', 'ice', 'cream', 'store', 'hey', 'son', 'may', 'ask', 'question', 'take', 'quarter', 'instead', 'dollar', 'bill', 'boy', 'licked', 'cone', 'replied', 'day', 'take', 'dollar', 'game', 'young', 'boy', 'enters', 'barber', 'shop']",64
"A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.",4blcik,7461,I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.,"['woman', 'asked', 'check', 'balance', 'pushed']","['lost', 'job', 'bank', 'first', 'day']","['woman', 'asked', 'check', 'balance', 'pushed', 'lost', 'job', 'bank', 'first', 'day']",10
I'm gonna miss tumblr,42xchq,7461,"For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats","['gon', 'na', 'miss', 'tumblr']","['health', 'reason', 'doctor', 'say', 'avoid', 'trans', 'fat']","['gon', 'na', 'miss', 'tumblr', 'health', 'reason', 'doctor', 'say', 'avoid', 'trans', 'fat']",11
They told me to try Vine.,2no1fz,7441,I tried uploading my sex tape to PornHub.,"['told', 'try', 'vine']","['tried', 'uploading', 'sex', 'tape', 'pornhub']","['told', 'try', 'vine', 'tried', 'uploading', 'sex', 'tape', 'pornhub']",8
"Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin

Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!

Kid 1: Lies!

Kid 2: Ask your sister.

Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!

Kid 2: You will in about nine months!


Edit: Thanks for the support guys!",5ruc7l,7435,Two kids were talking...,"['kid', 'bet', 'virgin', 'kid', 'virgin', 'last', 'night', 'kid', 'lie', 'kid', 'ask', 'sister', 'kid', 'ha', 'sister', 'kid', 'nine', 'month', 'edit', 'thanks', 'support', 'guy']","['two', 'kid', 'talking']","['kid', 'bet', 'virgin', 'kid', 'virgin', 'last', 'night', 'kid', 'lie', 'kid', 'ask', 'sister', 'kid', 'ha', 'sister', 'kid', 'nine', 'month', 'edit', 'thanks', 'support', 'guy', 'two', 'kid', 'talking']",25
"Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.

Me: Who?

Wife: My butt cheeks.",3bkxoz,7433,My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!,"['wife', 'ca', 'believe', 'still', 'together', 'shit', 'wife', 'butt', 'cheek']","['wife', 'told', 'car', 'day', 'thought', 'might', 'enjoy']","['wife', 'ca', 'believe', 'still', 'together', 'shit', 'wife', 'butt', 'cheek', 'wife', 'told', 'car', 'day', 'thought', 'might', 'enjoy']",16
He nuts and bolts.,4b8fqe,7424,What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?,"['nut', 'bolt']","['robot', 'end', 'one', 'night', 'stand']","['nut', 'bolt', 'robot', 'end', 'one', 'night', 'stand']",7
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°),35d2bw,7424,"LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.",[],"['lpt', 'ever', 'get', 'cold', 'sweater', 'stand', 'corner', 'minute', 'usually', 'degree']","['lpt', 'ever', 'get', 'cold', 'sweater', 'stand', 'corner', 'minute', 'usually', 'degree']",10
If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.,4fkldb,7405,I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.',"['one', 'buy', 'going', 'kill']","['writing', 'book', 'called', 'overreacting']","['one', 'buy', 'going', 'kill', 'writing', 'book', 'called', 'overreacting']",8
"""Was it something I said?"" Asks the son.

""Yes.""",2ryl97,7395,"""Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime.""","['something', 'said', 'asks', 'son', 'yes']","['son', 'think', 'cut', 'mime']","['something', 'said', 'asks', 'son', 'yes', 'son', 'think', 'cut', 'mime']",9
"The man says, ""I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!""

""I don't believe you,"" says the cop. ""Show me.""

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

""Well,"" says the cop, ""where are the drugs now?""

""What drugs?""
",4kjdhi,7394,A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom,"['man', 'say', 'swear', 'mine', 'found', 'tried', 'flush', 'toilet', 'every', 'time', 'flush', 'drug', 'magically', 'reappears', 'hand', 'believe', 'say', 'cop', 'show', 'man', 'toss', 'bag', 'drug', 'toilet', 'flush', 'bag', 'swish', 'cop', 'stare', 'man', 'empty', 'hand', 'bag', 'flushed', 'well', 'say', 'cop', 'drug', 'drug']","['man', 'caught', 'cop', 'drug', 'bathroom']","['man', 'say', 'swear', 'mine', 'found', 'tried', 'flush', 'toilet', 'every', 'time', 'flush', 'drug', 'magically', 'reappears', 'hand', 'believe', 'say', 'cop', 'show', 'man', 'toss', 'bag', 'drug', 'toilet', 'flush', 'bag', 'swish', 'cop', 'stare', 'man', 'empty', 'hand', 'bag', 'flushed', 'well', 'say', 'cop', 'drug', 'drug', 'man', 'caught', 'cop', 'drug', 'bathroom']",44
"The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar. 

""No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye,"" the man says.

""Okay, how about that girl over there?"" His friend responds. ""She has a really big nose"".

The man walks over to the girl and asks, ""Would you like to dance?""

Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses ""Would, I?! Would I?!""

To which the man quickly responds ""Big nose! Big nose!""

",3f7jb7,7389,A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....,"['doctor', 'save', 'life', 'loses', 'one', 'eye', 'nice', 'glass', 'one', 'fitted', 'temporarily', 'given', 'wooden', 'eye', 'man', 'becomes', 'depressed', 'eye', 'loss', 'sits', 'home', 'moping', 'around', 'eventually', 'friend', 'come', 'drag', 'bar', 'try', 'cheer', 'bar', 'still', 'sitting', 'looking', 'depressed', 'really', 'talking', 'one', 'friend', 'suggests', 'try', 'talk', 'cute', 'girl', 'seems', 'alone', 'bar', 'never', 'go', 'man', 'wooden', 'eye', 'man', 'say', 'okay', 'girl', 'friend', 'responds', 'really', 'big', 'nose', 'man', 'walk', 'girl', 'asks', 'would', 'like', 'dance', 'excited', 'shocked', 'asked', 'dance', 'attractive', 'man', 'woman', 'response', 'would', 'would', 'man', 'quickly', 'responds', 'big', 'nose', 'big', 'nose']","['handsome', 'man', 'get', 'terrible', 'car', 'accident']","['doctor', 'save', 'life', 'loses', 'one', 'eye', 'nice', 'glass', 'one', 'fitted', 'temporarily', 'given', 'wooden', 'eye', 'man', 'becomes', 'depressed', 'eye', 'loss', 'sits', 'home', 'moping', 'around', 'eventually', 'friend', 'come', 'drag', 'bar', 'try', 'cheer', 'bar', 'still', 'sitting', 'looking', 'depressed', 'really', 'talking', 'one', 'friend', 'suggests', 'try', 'talk', 'cute', 'girl', 'seems', 'alone', 'bar', 'never', 'go', 'man', 'wooden', 'eye', 'man', 'say', 'okay', 'girl', 'friend', 'responds', 'really', 'big', 'nose', 'man', 'walk', 'girl', 'asks', 'would', 'like', 'dance', 'excited', 'shocked', 'asked', 'dance', 'attractive', 'man', 'woman', 'response', 'would', 'would', 'man', 'quickly', 'responds', 'big', 'nose', 'big', 'nose', 'handsome', 'man', 'get', 'terrible', 'car', 'accident']",91
"You can't fix shit with all that screaming and crying.

(**Yes, you can evacuate people.** Check #2 here: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/evacuate)",4vjigx,7382,Why do they evacuate women and children first?,"['ca', 'fix', 'shit', 'screaming', 'cry', 'yes', 'evacuate', 'people', 'check', 'http']","['evacuate', 'woman', 'child', 'first']","['ca', 'fix', 'shit', 'screaming', 'cry', 'yes', 'evacuate', 'people', 'check', 'http', 'evacuate', 'woman', 'child', 'first']",14
"I said ""Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?""
And he's all like ""I'm not Denzel Washington you racist piece of shit.""
Classic Denzel.

",2n8yal,7382,I saw Denzel Washington on the street today.,"['said', 'hey', 'denzel', 'get', 'picture', 'like', 'denzel', 'washington', 'racist', 'piece', 'shit', 'classic', 'denzel']","['saw', 'denzel', 'washington', 'street', 'today']","['said', 'hey', 'denzel', 'get', 'picture', 'like', 'denzel', 'washington', 'racist', 'piece', 'shit', 'classic', 'denzel', 'saw', 'denzel', 'washington', 'street', 'today']",18
"
A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: ""May I help you?""

Hillbilly: ""Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces"".

Attorney: ""Well do you have any grounds?""

Hillbilly: ""Yea, I got about a hundred acres.""

Attorney: ""No, you don't understand, do you have a case?""

Hillbilly: ""No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.""

Attorney: ""I mean, do you have a grudge?""

Hillbilly: ""Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere.""

Attorney: ""No sir, I mean do you have a suit?""

Hillbilly: ""Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays.""

Attorney: ""Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?""

Hillbilly: ""No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning.""

Attorney: ""Well, is she a nagger or anything?""

Hillbilly: ""No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce.""",3gl4cx,7364,Redneck Divorce,"['hillbilly', 'walked', 'attorney', 'office', 'wanting', 'file', 'divorce', 'attorney', 'may', 'help', 'hillbilly', 'yea', 'want', 'get', 'one', 'dayvorces', 'attorney', 'well', 'ground', 'hillbilly', 'yea', 'got', 'hundred', 'acre', 'attorney', 'understand', 'case', 'hillbilly', 'case', 'john', 'deere', 'attorney', 'mean', 'grudge', 'hillbilly', 'yea', 'got', 'grudge', 'park', 'john', 'deere', 'attorney', 'sir', 'mean', 'suit', 'hillbilly', 'yes', 'sir', 'got', 'suit', 'wear', 'church', 'sunday', 'attorney', 'well', 'sir', 'wife', 'beat', 'anything', 'hillbilly', 'sir', 'get', 'morning', 'attorney', 'well', 'nagger', 'anything', 'hillbilly', 'little', 'white', 'gal', 'last', 'child', 'nagger', 'want', 'dayvorce']","['redneck', 'divorce']","['hillbilly', 'walked', 'attorney', 'office', 'wanting', 'file', 'divorce', 'attorney', 'may', 'help', 'hillbilly', 'yea', 'want', 'get', 'one', 'dayvorces', 'attorney', 'well', 'ground', 'hillbilly', 'yea', 'got', 'hundred', 'acre', 'attorney', 'understand', 'case', 'hillbilly', 'case', 'john', 'deere', 'attorney', 'mean', 'grudge', 'hillbilly', 'yea', 'got', 'grudge', 'park', 'john', 'deere', 'attorney', 'sir', 'mean', 'suit', 'hillbilly', 'yes', 'sir', 'got', 'suit', 'wear', 'church', 'sunday', 'attorney', 'well', 'sir', 'wife', 'beat', 'anything', 'hillbilly', 'sir', 'get', 'morning', 'attorney', 'well', 'nagger', 'anything', 'hillbilly', 'little', 'white', 'gal', 'last', 'child', 'nagger', 'want', 'dayvorce', 'redneck', 'divorce']",78
"3.14 feet. Well, at least the πthon is 



(I'm so sorry)",5t43gl,7361,How long are math snakes?,"['foot', 'well', 'least', 'πthon', 'sorry']","['long', 'math', 'snake']","['foot', 'well', 'least', 'πthon', 'sorry', 'long', 'math', 'snake']",8
"On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, ""Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?""
She says tearfully, ""I'm going to kill myself!!""
While he didn't want to appear ""sensitive,"" John also didn't want to miss this ""be-a-legend"" opportunity either so he asked, ""Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' John here your best last kiss?""
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, John gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, ""Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?""
She explained, ""My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.""
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Wow front page cool...a lot of you need to chill out tho",41io2l,7357,The hells angels are riding....,"['january', 'group', 'hell', 'angel', 'california', 'bikers', 'riding', 'along', 'colorado', 'street', 'pasadena', 'saw', 'girl', 'jump', 'pasadena', 'suicide', 'bridge', 'stopped', 'john', 'leader', 'big', 'burly', 'man', 'get', 'harley', 'walk', 'group', 'gawker', 'past', 'state', 'trooper', 'trying', 'talk', 'railing', 'say', 'hey', 'baby', 'whatcha', 'doin', 'railin', 'say', 'tearfully', 'going', 'kill', 'want', 'appear', 'sensitive', 'john', 'also', 'want', 'miss', 'opportunity', 'either', 'asked', 'well', 'jump', 'give', 'ol', 'john', 'best', 'last', 'kiss', 'hesitation', 'leaned', 'back', 'railing', 'long', 'deep', 'lingering', 'kiss', 'followed', 'immediately', 'another', 'even', 'better', 'one', 'breathlessly', 'finished', 'john', 'get', 'big', 'approval', 'onlooker', 'even', 'state', 'trooper', 'say', 'wow', 'best', 'kiss', 'ever', 'real', 'talent', 'wasting', 'sugar', 'short', 'could', 'famous', 'rode', 'committing', 'suicide', 'explained', 'parent', 'like', 'dressing', 'like', 'girl', 'still', 'unclear', 'whether', 'jumped', 'pushed', 'wow', 'front', 'page', 'cool', 'lot', 'need', 'chill', 'tho']","['hell', 'angel', 'riding']","['january', 'group', 'hell', 'angel', 'california', 'bikers', 'riding', 'along', 'colorado', 'street', 'pasadena', 'saw', 'girl', 'jump', 'pasadena', 'suicide', 'bridge', 'stopped', 'john', 'leader', 'big', 'burly', 'man', 'get', 'harley', 'walk', 'group', 'gawker', 'past', 'state', 'trooper', 'trying', 'talk', 'railing', 'say', 'hey', 'baby', 'whatcha', 'doin', 'railin', 'say', 'tearfully', 'going', 'kill', 'want', 'appear', 'sensitive', 'john', 'also', 'want', 'miss', 'opportunity', 'either', 'asked', 'well', 'jump', 'give', 'ol', 'john', 'best', 'last', 'kiss', 'hesitation', 'leaned', 'back', 'railing', 'long', 'deep', 'lingering', 'kiss', 'followed', 'immediately', 'another', 'even', 'better', 'one', 'breathlessly', 'finished', 'john', 'get', 'big', 'approval', 'onlooker', 'even', 'state', 'trooper', 'say', 'wow', 'best', 'kiss', 'ever', 'real', 'talent', 'wasting', 'sugar', 'short', 'could', 'famous', 'rode', 'committing', 'suicide', 'explained', 'parent', 'like', 'dressing', 'like', 'girl', 'still', 'unclear', 'whether', 'jumped', 'pushed', 'wow', 'front', 'page', 'cool', 'lot', 'need', 'chill', 'tho', 'hell', 'angel', 'riding']",123
"A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”",4nl482,7357,The little black jewish boy...,"['black', 'jewish', 'boy', 'run', 'home', 'school', 'one', 'day', 'asks', 'father', 'daddy', 'jewish', 'black', 'dad', 'reply', 'want', 'know', 'son', 'kid', 'school', 'selling', 'bike', 'want', 'know', 'talk', 'steal']","['little', 'black', 'jewish', 'boy']","['black', 'jewish', 'boy', 'run', 'home', 'school', 'one', 'day', 'asks', 'father', 'daddy', 'jewish', 'black', 'dad', 'reply', 'want', 'know', 'son', 'kid', 'school', 'selling', 'bike', 'want', 'know', 'talk', 'steal', 'little', 'black', 'jewish', 'boy']",30
"The boy tells the priest, ""Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl.""
""Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?""
""Oh I can't say.""
""Was it Mary Jane?""
""No Father.""
""Adalina Mozarelli?""
""My lips are sealed.""
""How about Cindy King""
""I can never say.""
""Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?""
""No.""
""It has to be Tracy Cummings though!""
""Father I will never tell you.""
""Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months.""
""Ok, Father""
The boy leaves and his friend asks, ""So what'd you get?""
The boy responds, ""Five good leads, and a four month vacation!""",4m3nf1,7350,A boy goes into confession...,"['boy', 'tell', 'priest', 'father', 'afraid', 'loose', 'girl', 'hmm', 'ok', 'son', 'girl', 'name', 'oh', 'ca', 'say', 'mary', 'jane', 'father', 'adalina', 'mozarelli', 'lip', 'sealed', 'cindy', 'king', 'never', 'say', 'oh', 'come', 'boy', 'find', 'soon', 'enough', 'tina', 'king', 'tracy', 'cummings', 'though', 'father', 'never', 'tell', 'ok', 'fine', 'sin', 'ca', 'alter', 'boy', 'four', 'month', 'ok', 'father', 'boy', 'leaf', 'friend', 'asks', 'get', 'boy', 'responds', 'five', 'good', 'lead', 'four', 'month', 'vacation']","['boy', 'go', 'confession']","['boy', 'tell', 'priest', 'father', 'afraid', 'loose', 'girl', 'hmm', 'ok', 'son', 'girl', 'name', 'oh', 'ca', 'say', 'mary', 'jane', 'father', 'adalina', 'mozarelli', 'lip', 'sealed', 'cindy', 'king', 'never', 'say', 'oh', 'come', 'boy', 'find', 'soon', 'enough', 'tina', 'king', 'tracy', 'cummings', 'though', 'father', 'never', 'tell', 'ok', 'fine', 'sin', 'ca', 'alter', 'boy', 'four', 'month', 'ok', 'father', 'boy', 'leaf', 'friend', 'asks', 'get', 'boy', 'responds', 'five', 'good', 'lead', 'four', 'month', 'vacation', 'boy', 'go', 'confession']",66
a new last name,3tbrm7,7338,What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?,"['new', 'last', 'name']","['polish', 'bride', 'get', 'wedding', 'night', 'long', 'hard']","['new', 'last', 'name', 'polish', 'bride', 'get', 'wedding', 'night', 'long', 'hard']",10
"A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: 
""What is your name, son?""
The student replies:
""D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.""
Then the principal asks:
""Oh, do you have a stutter?""
Student answers:
""No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.""

Edit: Shitty format because mobile.",3ity10,7334,A student goes to the principal,"['student', 'visit', 'principal', 'office', 'principal', 'asks', 'name', 'son', 'student', 'reply', 'sir', 'principal', 'asks', 'oh', 'stutter', 'student', 'answer', 'sir', 'dad', 'stutter', 'guy', 'registered', 'name', 'asshole', 'edit', 'shitty', 'format', 'mobile']","['student', 'go', 'principal']","['student', 'visit', 'principal', 'office', 'principal', 'asks', 'name', 'son', 'student', 'reply', 'sir', 'principal', 'asks', 'oh', 'stutter', 'student', 'answer', 'sir', 'dad', 'stutter', 'guy', 'registered', 'name', 'asshole', 'edit', 'shitty', 'format', 'mobile', 'student', 'go', 'principal']",31
"One of them turns to the other and says ""I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there"" ",450kcd,7322,Two deer walk out of a gay bar...,"['one', 'turn', 'say', 'ca', 'believe', 'blew', 'thirty', 'buck']","['two', 'deer', 'walk', 'gay', 'bar']","['one', 'turn', 'say', 'ca', 'believe', 'blew', 'thirty', 'buck', 'two', 'deer', 'walk', 'gay', 'bar']",13
"But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.",4946r5,7313,My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...,"['going', 'sex', 'going', 'accord']","['girlfriend', 'tried', 'make', 'sex', 'hood', 'honda', 'civic']","['going', 'sex', 'going', 'accord', 'girlfriend', 'tried', 'make', 'sex', 'hood', 'honda', 'civic']",11
"After a while, my wife said, ""Just use a fucking spoon Mike, you're not a Jedi.""",2hz7xk,7312,I tried to force feed my child...,"['wife', 'said', 'use', 'fucking', 'spoon', 'mike', 'jedi']","['tried', 'force', 'feed', 'child']","['wife', 'said', 'use', 'fucking', 'spoon', 'mike', 'jedi', 'tried', 'force', 'feed', 'child']",11
"Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you. ",4d11zv,7311,Don't die a virgin.,"['seriously', 'terrorist', 'waiting']","['die', 'virgin']","['seriously', 'terrorist', 'waiting', 'die', 'virgin']",5
Because bears don't go to college.,3btiwt,7309,Why didn't the bear go to college?,"['bear', 'go', 'college']","['bear', 'go', 'college']","['bear', 'go', 'college', 'bear', 'go', 'college']",6
I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.,4ciw8c,7306,The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.,"['find', 'weird', 'cremated', 'rest']","['day', 'walked', 'grandmother', 'sucking', 'grandfather', 'dick']","['find', 'weird', 'cremated', 'rest', 'day', 'walked', 'grandmother', 'sucking', 'grandfather', 'dick']",10
How do you ruin a joke?,2zougu,7304,Put the punchline in the title.,"['ruin', 'joke']","['put', 'punchline', 'title']","['ruin', 'joke', 'put', 'punchline', 'title']",5
"A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” 

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
",4kkxbo,7304,Dumbest kid in the world...,"['young', 'boy', 'enters', 'barber', 'shop', 'barber', 'whisper', 'customer', 'dumbest', 'kid', 'world', 'watch', 'prove', 'barber', 'put', 'dollar', 'bill', 'one', 'hand', 'two', 'quarter', 'call', 'boy', 'asks', 'want', 'son', 'boy', 'take', 'quarter', 'leaf', 'tell', 'said', 'barber', 'kid', 'never', 'learns', 'later', 'customer', 'leaf', 'see', 'young', 'boy', 'coming', 'ice', 'cream', 'store', 'hey', 'son', 'may', 'ask', 'question', 'take', 'quarter', 'instead', 'dollar', 'bill', 'boy', 'licked', 'cone', 'replied', 'day', 'take', 'dollar', 'game']","['dumbest', 'kid', 'world']","['young', 'boy', 'enters', 'barber', 'shop', 'barber', 'whisper', 'customer', 'dumbest', 'kid', 'world', 'watch', 'prove', 'barber', 'put', 'dollar', 'bill', 'one', 'hand', 'two', 'quarter', 'call', 'boy', 'asks', 'want', 'son', 'boy', 'take', 'quarter', 'leaf', 'tell', 'said', 'barber', 'kid', 'never', 'learns', 'later', 'customer', 'leaf', 'see', 'young', 'boy', 'coming', 'ice', 'cream', 'store', 'hey', 'son', 'may', 'ask', 'question', 'take', 'quarter', 'instead', 'dollar', 'bill', 'boy', 'licked', 'cone', 'replied', 'day', 'take', 'dollar', 'game', 'dumbest', 'kid', 'world']",67
Napalm,4j228c,7292,"My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.",['napalm'],"['dad', 'vietnam', 'veteran', 'told', 'one', 'thing', 'always', 'stick', 'kid', 'adult', 'matter', 'old']","['napalm', 'dad', 'vietnam', 'veteran', 'told', 'one', 'thing', 'always', 'stick', 'kid', 'adult', 'matter', 'old']",13
...they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts,3oi6m3,7258,"I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing ""Danger Zone"" six times in a row...","['told', 'exceeded', 'maximum', 'number', 'loggins', 'attempt']","['got', 'kicked', 'karaoke', 'night', 'singing', 'danger', 'zone', 'six', 'time', 'row']","['told', 'exceeded', 'maximum', 'number', 'loggins', 'attempt', 'got', 'kicked', 'karaoke', 'night', 'singing', 'danger', 'zone', 'six', 'time', 'row']",16
" Her boss is annoyed and asks, ""Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?"" 

 Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.' 

 Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' 

 Maria: 'Your husband said so.' 

 Wife: 'Oh.' 

 Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' 

 Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' 

 Maria: 'Your husband did.' 

 Wife: 'Oh.' 

 Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..' 

 The wife is obviously upset: 'Did my husband say that ?' 

 Maria: 'No, Señora, the gardener did.' 

 Wife: 'So, how much do you want?' 

",3b49kh,7237,"Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise.","['bos', 'annoyed', 'asks', 'maria', 'think', 'deserve', 'raise', 'maria', 'señora', 'three', 'reason', 'want', 'raise', 'first', 'iron', 'better', 'wife', 'said', 'iron', 'better', 'maria', 'husband', 'said', 'wife', 'maria', 'second', 'reason', 'better', 'cook', 'wife', 'said', 'better', 'cook', 'maria', 'husband', 'wife', 'maria', 'third', 'reason', 'better', 'lover', 'wife', 'obviously', 'upset', 'husband', 'say', 'maria', 'señora', 'gardener', 'wife', 'much', 'want']","['maria', 'maid', 'asks', 'bos', 'raise']","['bos', 'annoyed', 'asks', 'maria', 'think', 'deserve', 'raise', 'maria', 'señora', 'three', 'reason', 'want', 'raise', 'first', 'iron', 'better', 'wife', 'said', 'iron', 'better', 'maria', 'husband', 'said', 'wife', 'maria', 'second', 'reason', 'better', 'cook', 'wife', 'said', 'better', 'cook', 'maria', 'husband', 'wife', 'maria', 'third', 'reason', 'better', 'lover', 'wife', 'obviously', 'upset', 'husband', 'say', 'maria', 'señora', 'gardener', 'wife', 'much', 'want', 'maria', 'maid', 'asks', 'bos', 'raise']",57
"Well, it's what he would have wanted.",3kwmu5,7200,Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.,"['well', 'would', 'wanted']","['dave', 'drowned', 'funeral', 'got', 'wreath', 'shape', 'lifebelt']","['well', 'would', 'wanted', 'dave', 'drowned', 'funeral', 'got', 'wreath', 'shape', 'lifebelt']",10
"A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. 
  
""You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. 
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.""
  
""Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
    
""What...you coming empty handed?"" 
",3lsngq,7184,The Jewish Elbow,"['jewish', 'grandmother', 'giving', 'direction', 'grown', 'grandson', 'coming', 'visit', 'wife', 'come', 'front', 'door', 'apartment', 'apartment', 'big', 'panel', 'front', 'door', 'elbow', 'push', 'button', 'buzz', 'come', 'inside', 'elevator', 'right', 'get', 'elbow', 'push', 'get', 'left', 'elbow', 'hit', 'doorbell', 'grandma', 'sound', 'easy', 'hitting', 'button', 'elbow', 'coming', 'empty', 'handed']","['jewish', 'elbow']","['jewish', 'grandmother', 'giving', 'direction', 'grown', 'grandson', 'coming', 'visit', 'wife', 'come', 'front', 'door', 'apartment', 'apartment', 'big', 'panel', 'front', 'door', 'elbow', 'push', 'button', 'buzz', 'come', 'inside', 'elevator', 'right', 'get', 'elbow', 'push', 'get', 'left', 'elbow', 'hit', 'doorbell', 'grandma', 'sound', 'easy', 'hitting', 'button', 'elbow', 'coming', 'empty', 'handed', 'jewish', 'elbow']",45
You gonna eat that?,4evxj2,7178,What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??,"['gon', 'na', 'eat']","['mike', 'tyson', 'say', 'vincent', 'van', 'gogh']","['gon', 'na', 'eat', 'mike', 'tyson', 'say', 'vincent', 'van', 'gogh']",9
"I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “asstasticbum”

Homeless man: “So asstasticbum, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have”

Me: “two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?”

Me: “two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?”

Me: “two?”

Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?""

Me: “I don’t know? A lot?”

Homeless man: “Well asstasticbum, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”


Credits to /u/asstasticbum. He is the owner and OP of this story. Im just retelling it. 

Front page whooo hooo!! First time this has happened for me :D Im estatic :) 

Edit:: Please dont gild this post. If any of you feel so strongly, go to /u/asstasticbum and gild him 

Sorry for not adding link earlier. I had saved this post on my ColorNote app and i found it today. Apologies to people who are whining i did this for karma (TEXT post gives NO KARMA) 
Link to original story HERE:: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1rwb5t/i_paid_a_homeless_lady_in_nashville_1_for_two/cdrqcwl?context=3",3fv074,7174,1 dollar for dirty joke,"['venice', 'beach', 'january', 'homeless', 'man', 'sign', 'said', 'dollar', 'dirty', 'seemed', 'like', 'good', 'investment', 'gladly', 'handed', 'dollar', 'homeless', 'man', 'alright', 'sir', 'whats', 'name', 'asstasticbum', 'homeless', 'man', 'asstasticbum', 'black', 'rooster', 'alright', 'many', 'leg', 'chicken', 'two', 'homeless', 'man', 'right', 'many', 'wing', 'black', 'rooster', 'got', 'two', 'homeless', 'man', 'right', 'many', 'eye', 'black', 'rooster', 'got', 'two', 'homeless', 'man', 'right', 'white', 'cat', 'walking', 'around', 'many', 'hair', 'white', 'cat', 'know', 'lot', 'homeless', 'man', 'well', 'asstasticbum', 'know', 'much', 'black', 'cock', 'enough', 'white', 'credit', 'owner', 'op', 'story', 'im', 'retelling', 'front', 'page', 'whooo', 'hooo', 'first', 'time', 'happened', 'im', 'estatic', 'edit', 'please', 'dont', 'gild', 'post', 'feel', 'strongly', 'go', 'gild', 'sorry', 'adding', 'link', 'earlier', 'saved', 'post', 'colornote', 'app', 'found', 'today', 'apology', 'people', 'whining', 'karma', 'text', 'post', 'give', 'karma', 'link', 'original', 'story', 'http']","['dollar', 'dirty', 'joke']","['venice', 'beach', 'january', 'homeless', 'man', 'sign', 'said', 'dollar', 'dirty', 'seemed', 'like', 'good', 'investment', 'gladly', 'handed', 'dollar', 'homeless', 'man', 'alright', 'sir', 'whats', 'name', 'asstasticbum', 'homeless', 'man', 'asstasticbum', 'black', 'rooster', 'alright', 'many', 'leg', 'chicken', 'two', 'homeless', 'man', 'right', 'many', 'wing', 'black', 'rooster', 'got', 'two', 'homeless', 'man', 'right', 'many', 'eye', 'black', 'rooster', 'got', 'two', 'homeless', 'man', 'right', 'white', 'cat', 'walking', 'around', 'many', 'hair', 'white', 'cat', 'know', 'lot', 'homeless', 'man', 'well', 'asstasticbum', 'know', 'much', 'black', 'cock', 'enough', 'white', 'credit', 'owner', 'op', 'story', 'im', 'retelling', 'front', 'page', 'whooo', 'hooo', 'first', 'time', 'happened', 'im', 'estatic', 'edit', 'please', 'dont', 'gild', 'post', 'feel', 'strongly', 'go', 'gild', 'sorry', 'adding', 'link', 'earlier', 'saved', 'post', 'colornote', 'app', 'found', 'today', 'apology', 'people', 'whining', 'karma', 'text', 'post', 'give', 'karma', 'link', 'original', 'story', 'http', 'dollar', 'dirty', 'joke']",123
Philippe Philoppe.,3yefpd,7170,What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?,"['philippe', 'philoppe']","['call', 'frenchman', 'wearing', 'sandal']","['philippe', 'philoppe', 'call', 'frenchman', 'wearing', 'sandal']",6
"...and her husband says ""yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask "" well would you let her live in our house?"" And the husband says ""yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house."" That worried the wife more, so then she asks ""well would you let her sleep in our bed?"" And the husband says ""yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it."" This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say ""well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs."" The husband say ""don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed."" 

Joke my 95 year old grandpa told me. ",3jdoac,7146,"A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...","['husband', 'say', 'yes', 'would', 'remarry', 'like', 'living', 'married', 'life', 'spending', 'time', 'someone', 'else', 'wife', 'get', 'uncomfortable', 'proceeds', 'ask', 'well', 'would', 'let', 'live', 'house', 'husband', 'say', 'yes', 'let', 'live', 'nothing', 'wrong', 'house', 'worried', 'wife', 'asks', 'well', 'would', 'let', 'sleep', 'bed', 'husband', 'say', 'yes', 'like', 'bed', 'want', 'get', 'rid', 'let', 'sleep', 'make', 'wife', 'worried', 'feel', 'compelled', 'say', 'well', 'least', 'promise', 'never', 'let', 'use', 'golf', 'club', 'husband', 'say', 'worry', 'never', 'use', 'club', 'left', 'handed', 'joke', 'year', 'old', 'grandpa', 'told']","['wife', 'asks', 'husband', 'die', 'would', 'remarry']","['husband', 'say', 'yes', 'would', 'remarry', 'like', 'living', 'married', 'life', 'spending', 'time', 'someone', 'else', 'wife', 'get', 'uncomfortable', 'proceeds', 'ask', 'well', 'would', 'let', 'live', 'house', 'husband', 'say', 'yes', 'let', 'live', 'nothing', 'wrong', 'house', 'worried', 'wife', 'asks', 'well', 'would', 'let', 'sleep', 'bed', 'husband', 'say', 'yes', 'like', 'bed', 'want', 'get', 'rid', 'let', 'sleep', 'make', 'wife', 'worried', 'feel', 'compelled', 'say', 'well', 'least', 'promise', 'never', 'let', 'use', 'golf', 'club', 'husband', 'say', 'worry', 'never', 'use', 'club', 'left', 'handed', 'joke', 'year', 'old', 'grandpa', 'told', 'wife', 'asks', 'husband', 'die', 'would', 'remarry']",82
and charged with impersonating an officer,34xr09,7144,I was arrested for killing a black man,"['charged', 'impersonating', 'officer']","['arrested', 'killing', 'black', 'man']","['charged', 'impersonating', 'officer', 'arrested', 'killing', 'black', 'man']",7
"I now have $999,999.75",3vk0wo,7139,I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.,[],"['lottery', 'million', 'dollar', 'today', 'decided', 'donate', 'quarter', 'charity']","['lottery', 'million', 'dollar', 'today', 'decided', 'donate', 'quarter', 'charity']",8
"Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.",4eiwtz,7123,I painted my computer black so it would run faster.,"['work', 'painted', 'computer', 'white', 'would', 'work', 'whole', 'system', 'corrupt']","['painted', 'computer', 'black', 'would', 'run', 'faster']","['work', 'painted', 'computer', 'white', 'would', 'work', 'whole', 'system', 'corrupt', 'painted', 'computer', 'black', 'would', 'run', 'faster']",15
The good ones are all taken.  The rest are either handicapped or too far away.,3k5omn,7118,Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...,"['good', 'one', 'taken', 'rest', 'either', 'handicapped', 'far', 'away']","['dating', 'like', 'looking', 'parking', 'spot']","['good', 'one', 'taken', 'rest', 'either', 'handicapped', 'far', 'away', 'dating', 'like', 'looking', 'parking', 'spot']",13
Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.,3oy5qy,7109,How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?,"['one', 'hold', 'place', 'world', 'revolves', 'around']","['many', 'narcissist', 'take', 'change', 'lightbulb']","['one', 'hold', 'place', 'world', 'revolves', 'around', 'many', 'narcissist', 'take', 'change', 'lightbulb']",11
The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.,343nz1,7106,I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore.,"['car', 'started', 'right', 'said', 'need', 'new', 'battery']","['got', 'jumped', 'five', 'black', 'guy', 'baltimore']","['car', 'started', 'right', 'said', 'need', 'new', 'battery', 'got', 'jumped', 'five', 'black', 'guy', 'baltimore']",13
"A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara on a camel. On the third day, the camel dies with little warning. As they dust themselves off, the nun and priest appraise their situation. After a long silence, the priest states:
'Well, sister, this looks to be pretty serious.'
'I know, father. As a matter of fact, I don't think it's likely for us to survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree' affirms the priest. 'Sister, since we likely won't escape here alive, could you do something for me?'
'Anything, father.'
'I haven't seen breasts and I was wondering if I could see yours.'
'Well... under these circumstances, I don't see anything bad in it...'
The nun undresses and the priests was content, commenting on their beauty:
'Sister, do you mind if I touch them?'
She agrees, so the priest feels them up for several minutes.
'Father, may I ask you something?'
'Certainly!'
'I haven't seen a penis. Can I see yours?'
'I think it would be alright' responds the priest, lifting his robe.
'Oh, father, can I touch it?'
The priest agrees and after a few minutes of fondling he finds himself with a pretty serious erection.
'You know, sister, if I introduce my penis in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is this true, father?!'
'Yes, it is, sister.'
'Oh, father, that's wonderful! Then stick it in that camel so we can get the fuck out of here!'
[of Romanian origin, translated as close to original phrasing (translations lean towards mot-a-mot) to maintain cultural nuance]",4v5573,7099,A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara [NSFW],"['nun', 'priest', 'crossing', 'sahara', 'camel', 'third', 'day', 'camel', 'dy', 'little', 'warning', 'dust', 'nun', 'priest', 'appraise', 'situation', 'long', 'silence', 'priest', 'state', 'sister', 'look', 'pretty', 'serious', 'know', 'father', 'matter', 'fact', 'think', 'likely', 'u', 'survive', 'day', 'two', 'agree', 'affirms', 'priest', 'since', 'likely', 'wo', 'escape', 'alive', 'could', 'something', 'father', 'seen', 'breast', 'wondering', 'could', 'see', 'circumstance', 'see', 'anything', 'bad', 'nun', 'undress', 'priest', 'content', 'commenting', 'beauty', 'mind', 'touch', 'agrees', 'priest', 'feel', 'several', 'minute', 'may', 'ask', 'something', 'seen', 'penis', 'see', 'think', 'would', 'alright', 'responds', 'priest', 'lifting', 'robe', 'father', 'touch', 'priest', 'agrees', 'minute', 'fondling', 'find', 'pretty', 'serious', 'erection', 'know', 'sister', 'introduce', 'penis', 'right', 'place', 'give', 'life', 'true', 'father', 'sister', 'father', 'wonderful', 'stick', 'camel', 'get', 'fuck', 'romanian', 'origin', 'translated', 'close', 'original', 'phrasing', 'translation', 'lean', 'towards', 'maintain', 'cultural', 'nuance']","['nun', 'priest', 'crossing', 'sahara', 'nsfw']","['nun', 'priest', 'crossing', 'sahara', 'camel', 'third', 'day', 'camel', 'dy', 'little', 'warning', 'dust', 'nun', 'priest', 'appraise', 'situation', 'long', 'silence', 'priest', 'state', 'sister', 'look', 'pretty', 'serious', 'know', 'father', 'matter', 'fact', 'think', 'likely', 'u', 'survive', 'day', 'two', 'agree', 'affirms', 'priest', 'since', 'likely', 'wo', 'escape', 'alive', 'could', 'something', 'father', 'seen', 'breast', 'wondering', 'could', 'see', 'circumstance', 'see', 'anything', 'bad', 'nun', 'undress', 'priest', 'content', 'commenting', 'beauty', 'mind', 'touch', 'agrees', 'priest', 'feel', 'several', 'minute', 'may', 'ask', 'something', 'seen', 'penis', 'see', 'think', 'would', 'alright', 'responds', 'priest', 'lifting', 'robe', 'father', 'touch', 'priest', 'agrees', 'minute', 'fondling', 'find', 'pretty', 'serious', 'erection', 'know', 'sister', 'introduce', 'penis', 'right', 'place', 'give', 'life', 'true', 'father', 'sister', 'father', 'wonderful', 'stick', 'camel', 'get', 'fuck', 'romanian', 'origin', 'translated', 'close', 'original', 'phrasing', 'translation', 'lean', 'towards', 'maintain', 'cultural', 'nuance', 'nun', 'priest', 'crossing', 'sahara', 'nsfw']",124
idk what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day ,2nuoyl,7089,Bought some shoes from my drug dealer.,"['idk', 'laced', 'tripping', 'day']","['bought', 'shoe', 'drug', 'dealer']","['idk', 'laced', 'tripping', 'day', 'bought', 'shoe', 'drug', 'dealer']",8
"She said ""You have the biggest dick i've ever put my hands on"" I said   
""Nah, you're pulling my leg""",3r13is,7071,Got a Handjob from a Blind Girl last night...,"['said', 'biggest', 'dick', 'ever', 'put', 'hand', 'said', 'nah', 'pulling', 'leg']","['got', 'handjob', 'blind', 'girl', 'last', 'night']","['said', 'biggest', 'dick', 'ever', 'put', 'hand', 'said', 'nah', 'pulling', 'leg', 'got', 'handjob', 'blind', 'girl', 'last', 'night']",16
"""Anycockledoooooo!""",4vf5bd,7069,What does a gay rooster say?,['anycockledoooooo'],"['gay', 'rooster', 'say']","['anycockledoooooo', 'gay', 'rooster', 'say']",4
"""I'm proud to be a black man!"" said the black man.  

""I'm proud to be an Asian man!"" said the Asian man.  

""I'm proud to be a white man!"" said the racist.


Edit: damn, I get it guys, you don't like white people. 

Edit 2: I have received more nasty PMs and death threats that I would have expected from /r/jokes",3tyuvl,7065,"""I'm proud to be a black man""","['proud', 'black', 'man', 'said', 'black', 'man', 'proud', 'asian', 'man', 'said', 'asian', 'man', 'proud', 'white', 'man', 'said', 'racist', 'edit', 'damn', 'get', 'guy', 'like', 'white', 'people', 'edit', 'received', 'nasty', 'pm', 'death', 'threat', 'would', 'expected']","['proud', 'black', 'man']","['proud', 'black', 'man', 'said', 'black', 'man', 'proud', 'asian', 'man', 'said', 'asian', 'man', 'proud', 'white', 'man', 'said', 'racist', 'edit', 'damn', 'get', 'guy', 'like', 'white', 'people', 'edit', 'received', 'nasty', 'pm', 'death', 'threat', 'would', 'expected', 'proud', 'black', 'man']",35
"I said ""Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning.""",527wp3,7058,Somebody told me my clothes were gay.,"['said', 'yeah', 'came', 'closet', 'morning']","['somebody', 'told', 'clothes', 'gay']","['said', 'yeah', 'came', 'closet', 'morning', 'somebody', 'told', 'clothes', 'gay']",9
"Guess who got the front porch repainted.

EDIT: Holy crap this blew up (no pun intended). Front page! RIP to my inbox. 

Thank you kind Redditor for my first gold! ",3q2zi3,7051,Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.,"['guess', 'got', 'front', 'porch', 'repainted', 'edit', 'holy', 'crap', 'blew', 'pun', 'intended', 'front', 'page', 'rip', 'inbox', 'thank', 'kind', 'redditor', 'first', 'gold']","['saw', 'hooker', 'street', 'said', 'anything']","['guess', 'got', 'front', 'porch', 'repainted', 'edit', 'holy', 'crap', 'blew', 'pun', 'intended', 'front', 'page', 'rip', 'inbox', 'thank', 'kind', 'redditor', 'first', 'gold', 'saw', 'hooker', 'street', 'said', 'anything']",25
Why does it have to be a group activity?,537nmx,7051,How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?,"['group', 'activity']","['many', 'introvert', 'take', 'change', 'lightbulb']","['group', 'activity', 'many', 'introvert', 'take', 'change', 'lightbulb']",7
"Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.

""You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants.""

""Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?""

""When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'""",4cg4rh,7042,A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.,"['confused', 'approach', 'daughter', 'explanation', 'last', 'night', 'arrived', 'home', 'kicked', 'door', 'could', 'get', 'key', 'lock', 'fell', 'table', 'broke', 'pissed', 'pant', 'jesus', 'hell', 'good', 'mood', 'tried', 'take', 'pant', 'wash', 'slapped', 'hand', 'away', 'said', 'hand', 'married']","['man', 'wake', 'heavy', 'night', 'drinking', 'wife', 'happily', 'cooking', 'breakfast']","['confused', 'approach', 'daughter', 'explanation', 'last', 'night', 'arrived', 'home', 'kicked', 'door', 'could', 'get', 'key', 'lock', 'fell', 'table', 'broke', 'pissed', 'pant', 'jesus', 'hell', 'good', 'mood', 'tried', 'take', 'pant', 'wash', 'slapped', 'hand', 'away', 'said', 'hand', 'married', 'man', 'wake', 'heavy', 'night', 'drinking', 'wife', 'happily', 'cooking', 'breakfast']",42
"An elderly couple were at home watching TV. 
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, ""For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"" ",3igjdn,7037,Elderly couple,"['elderly', 'couple', 'home', 'watching', 'tv', 'phil', 'remote', 'switching', 'back', 'forth', 'fishing', 'channel', 'porn', 'channel', 'sally', 'became', 'annoyed', 'finally', 'said', 'god', 'sake', 'phil', 'leave', 'porn', 'channel', 'know', 'fish']","['elderly', 'couple']","['elderly', 'couple', 'home', 'watching', 'tv', 'phil', 'remote', 'switching', 'back', 'forth', 'fishing', 'channel', 'porn', 'channel', 'sally', 'became', 'annoyed', 'finally', 'said', 'god', 'sake', 'phil', 'leave', 'porn', 'channel', 'know', 'fish', 'elderly', 'couple']",29
"So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself ""this is an electrical fire, water won't work!"" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himself ""we have to cut the electricity off!"" And runs to the power panel in the basement. The statistician wakes up and looks around, he then screams ""we need more data!!"" And he sets the curtains on fire.",46qerx,7037,"An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...","['engineer', 'physicist', 'statistician', 'sleeping', 'hotel', 'room', 'suddenly', 'outlet', 'catch', 'fire', 'engineer', 'wake', 'first', 'say', 'electrical', 'fire', 'water', 'wo', 'work', 'run', 'grab', 'fire', 'extinguisher', 'physicist', 'wake', 'next', 'think', 'cut', 'electricity', 'run', 'power', 'panel', 'basement', 'statistician', 'wake', 'look', 'around', 'scream', 'need', 'data', 'set', 'curtain', 'fire']","['engineer', 'physicist', 'statistician', 'hotel', 'room']","['engineer', 'physicist', 'statistician', 'sleeping', 'hotel', 'room', 'suddenly', 'outlet', 'catch', 'fire', 'engineer', 'wake', 'first', 'say', 'electrical', 'fire', 'water', 'wo', 'work', 'run', 'grab', 'fire', 'extinguisher', 'physicist', 'wake', 'next', 'think', 'cut', 'electricity', 'run', 'power', 'panel', 'basement', 'statistician', 'wake', 'look', 'around', 'scream', 'need', 'data', 'set', 'curtain', 'fire', 'engineer', 'physicist', 'statistician', 'hotel', 'room']",48
"A woman meets a man in a bar.
 
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
 
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
 
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
 
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
 
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
 
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.  She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. 
 
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
 
After awhile, she finds herself
thinking, 
 
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
 
'Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?' 
 
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips.
 
He responds warmly.
 
They continue to kiss, the passion builds.
 
And he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom,
 where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. 
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,  they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly, 

'Well, how was it?' 

The guy gently smiles at her, 
strokes her cheek, 
looks deeply into her eyes, 
 
 
 
and says:  
 
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
",3xglg8,7021,A Sensitive Guy,"['woman', 'meet', 'man', 'bar', 'talk', 'connect', 'end', 'leaving', 'together', 'get', 'back', 'place', 'show', 'around', 'apartment', 'notice', 'one', 'wall', 'bedroom', 'completely', 'filled', 'soft', 'sweet', 'cuddly', 'teddy', 'bear', 'three', 'shelf', 'bedroom', 'hundred', 'hundred', 'cute', 'cuddly', 'teddy', 'bear', 'carefully', 'placed', 'row', 'covering', 'entire', 'wall', 'obvious', 'taken', 'quite', 'time', 'lovingly', 'arrange', 'immediately', 'touched', 'amount', 'thought', 'put', 'organizing', 'display', 'small', 'bear', 'along', 'bottom', 'shelf', 'bear', 'covering', 'length', 'middle', 'shelf', 'huge', 'enormous', 'bear', 'running', 'way', 'along', 'top', 'shelf', 'found', 'strange', 'obviously', 'masculine', 'guy', 'large', 'collection', 'teddy', 'bear', 'quite', 'impressed', 'sensitive', 'side', 'mention', 'share', 'bottle', 'wine', 'continue', 'talking', 'awhile', 'find', 'thinking', 'god', 'maybe', 'guy', 'could', 'one', 'could', 'future', 'father', 'child', 'turn', 'kiss', 'lightly', 'lip', 'responds', 'warmly', 'continue', 'kiss', 'passion', 'build', 'romantically', 'lift', 'arm', 'carry', 'bedroom', 'rip', 'clothes', 'make', 'hot', 'steamy', 'love', 'overwhelmed', 'responds', 'passion', 'creativity', 'heat', 'ever', 'known', 'intense', 'explosive', 'night', 'raw', 'passion', 'sensitive', 'guy', 'lying', 'together', 'afterglow', 'woman', 'roll', 'gently', 'stroke', 'chest', 'asks', 'coyly', 'guy', 'gently', 'smile', 'stroke', 'cheek', 'look', 'deeply', 'eye', 'say', 'prize', 'middle', 'shelf']","['sensitive', 'guy']","['woman', 'meet', 'man', 'bar', 'talk', 'connect', 'end', 'leaving', 'together', 'get', 'back', 'place', 'show', 'around', 'apartment', 'notice', 'one', 'wall', 'bedroom', 'completely', 'filled', 'soft', 'sweet', 'cuddly', 'teddy', 'bear', 'three', 'shelf', 'bedroom', 'hundred', 'hundred', 'cute', 'cuddly', 'teddy', 'bear', 'carefully', 'placed', 'row', 'covering', 'entire', 'wall', 'obvious', 'taken', 'quite', 'time', 'lovingly', 'arrange', 'immediately', 'touched', 'amount', 'thought', 'put', 'organizing', 'display', 'small', 'bear', 'along', 'bottom', 'shelf', 'bear', 'covering', 'length', 'middle', 'shelf', 'huge', 'enormous', 'bear', 'running', 'way', 'along', 'top', 'shelf', 'found', 'strange', 'obviously', 'masculine', 'guy', 'large', 'collection', 'teddy', 'bear', 'quite', 'impressed', 'sensitive', 'side', 'mention', 'share', 'bottle', 'wine', 'continue', 'talking', 'awhile', 'find', 'thinking', 'god', 'maybe', 'guy', 'could', 'one', 'could', 'future', 'father', 'child', 'turn', 'kiss', 'lightly', 'lip', 'responds', 'warmly', 'continue', 'kiss', 'passion', 'build', 'romantically', 'lift', 'arm', 'carry', 'bedroom', 'rip', 'clothes', 'make', 'hot', 'steamy', 'love', 'overwhelmed', 'responds', 'passion', 'creativity', 'heat', 'ever', 'known', 'intense', 'explosive', 'night', 'raw', 'passion', 'sensitive', 'guy', 'lying', 'together', 'afterglow', 'woman', 'roll', 'gently', 'stroke', 'chest', 'asks', 'coyly', 'guy', 'gently', 'smile', 'stroke', 'cheek', 'look', 'deeply', 'eye', 'say', 'prize', 'middle', 'shelf', 'sensitive', 'guy']",162
"""Doctor,"" the embarrassed man said, ""I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

""Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.""

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. ""Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett,"" the medic said. ""Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.""

The doctor took the husband aside. ""You're in perfect health,"" he said. ""Your wife didn't give me an erection either.""",4df7mz,7002,"Doctor, I have a sexual problem.","['doctor', 'embarrassed', 'man', 'said', 'sexual', 'problem', 'ca', 'get', 'wife', 'anymore', 'garrett', 'bring', 'back', 'tomorrow', 'let', 'see', 'next', 'day', 'worried', 'fellow', 'returned', 'wife', 'take', 'clothes', 'garrett', 'medic', 'said', 'turn', 'way', 'around', 'lie', 'please', 'see', 'okay', 'may', 'put', 'clothes', 'back', 'doctor', 'took', 'husband', 'aside', 'perfect', 'health', 'said', 'wife', 'give', 'erection', 'either']","['doctor', 'sexual', 'problem']","['doctor', 'embarrassed', 'man', 'said', 'sexual', 'problem', 'ca', 'get', 'wife', 'anymore', 'garrett', 'bring', 'back', 'tomorrow', 'let', 'see', 'next', 'day', 'worried', 'fellow', 'returned', 'wife', 'take', 'clothes', 'garrett', 'medic', 'said', 'turn', 'way', 'around', 'lie', 'please', 'see', 'okay', 'may', 'put', 'clothes', 'back', 'doctor', 'took', 'husband', 'aside', 'perfect', 'health', 'said', 'wife', 'give', 'erection', 'either', 'doctor', 'sexual', 'problem']",52
"I get it, you have more money than me.  No need to be a dick about it.",3fxhqt,7002,I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.,"['get', 'money', 'need', 'dick']","['hate', 'homeless', 'people', 'shake', 'change', 'cup']","['get', 'money', 'need', 'dick', 'hate', 'homeless', 'people', 'shake', 'change', 'cup']",10
"It was a disaster. Nobody came.


Edit: Wow! While I was gone this really...exploded.",2f6002,7000,I had a bukkake party last night.,"['disaster', 'nobody', 'came', 'edit', 'wow', 'gone', 'really', 'exploded']","['bukkake', 'party', 'last', 'night']","['disaster', 'nobody', 'came', 'edit', 'wow', 'gone', 'really', 'exploded', 'bukkake', 'party', 'last', 'night']",12
"The general stood tall and said ""1956 ma'am."" The woman, taken back by this answer said ""1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..."" and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said ""well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956..."". The general looked at her confused and said ""well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!""",3xp7a8,6993,A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...,"['general', 'stood', 'tall', 'said', 'woman', 'taken', 'back', 'answer', 'said', 'long', 'let', 'make', 'night', 'better', 'two', 'sauntered', 'away', 'private', 'room', 'woman', 'began', 'strip', 'two', 'made', 'passionate', 'love', 'hour', 'woman', 'cuddled', 'army', 'general', 'afterward', 'said', 'well', 'sure', 'forgotten', 'thing', 'since', 'general', 'looked', 'confused', 'said', 'well', 'sure', 'hope']","['woman', 'asked', 'general', 'army', 'last', 'time', 'made', 'love', 'woman']","['general', 'stood', 'tall', 'said', 'woman', 'taken', 'back', 'answer', 'said', 'long', 'let', 'make', 'night', 'better', 'two', 'sauntered', 'away', 'private', 'room', 'woman', 'began', 'strip', 'two', 'made', 'passionate', 'love', 'hour', 'woman', 'cuddled', 'army', 'general', 'afterward', 'said', 'well', 'sure', 'forgotten', 'thing', 'since', 'general', 'looked', 'confused', 'said', 'well', 'sure', 'hope', 'woman', 'asked', 'general', 'army', 'last', 'time', 'made', 'love', 'woman']",54
"Sorry, wrong thread",32bq6e,6988,I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple,"['sorry', 'wrong', 'thread']","['bought', 'pink', 'cotton', 'wife', 'wanted', 'purple']","['sorry', 'wrong', 'thread', 'bought', 'pink', 'cotton', 'wife', 'wanted', 'purple']",9
"A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. ""NOOO!"" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, ""MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!""

""You're a lawyer aren't you?"" asked the policeman.

""Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!"" the lawyer asked.

""HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?"" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, ""MY ROLEX!""
",466je4,6983,The Lawyer's Car,"['lawyer', 'bought', 'fancy', 'new', 'car', 'eager', 'show', 'colleague', 'eighteen', 'wheeler', 'came', 'nowhere', 'took', 'driver', 'side', 'door', 'standing', 'right', 'nooo', 'screamed', 'knew', 'matter', 'good', 'mechanic', 'tried', 'fix', 'would', 'never', 'finally', 'cop', 'came', 'lawyer', 'ran', 'yelling', 'bentley', 'door', 'ruined', 'foolish', 'driver', 'lawyer', 'asked', 'policeman', 'yes', 'car', 'lawyer', 'asked', 'ha', 'lawyer', 'materialistic', 'care', 'possession', 'bet', 'even', 'notice', 'left', 'arm', 'missing', 'cop', 'said', 'lawyer', 'looked', 'side', 'exclaimed', 'rolex']","['lawyer', 'car']","['lawyer', 'bought', 'fancy', 'new', 'car', 'eager', 'show', 'colleague', 'eighteen', 'wheeler', 'came', 'nowhere', 'took', 'driver', 'side', 'door', 'standing', 'right', 'nooo', 'screamed', 'knew', 'matter', 'good', 'mechanic', 'tried', 'fix', 'would', 'never', 'finally', 'cop', 'came', 'lawyer', 'ran', 'yelling', 'bentley', 'door', 'ruined', 'foolish', 'driver', 'lawyer', 'asked', 'policeman', 'yes', 'car', 'lawyer', 'asked', 'ha', 'lawyer', 'materialistic', 'care', 'possession', 'bet', 'even', 'notice', 'left', 'arm', 'missing', 'cop', 'said', 'lawyer', 'looked', 'side', 'exclaimed', 'rolex', 'lawyer', 'car']",66
I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.,2oir42,6972,"I have a bumper sticker that says, ""honk if you think I'm sexy""...","['sit', 'green', 'light', 'feel', 'good']","['bumper', 'sticker', 'say', 'honk', 'think', 'sexy']","['sit', 'green', 'light', 'feel', 'good', 'bumper', 'sticker', 'say', 'honk', 'think', 'sexy']",11
"Father turns around, smiles, and winks.

Few minutes later, a horrible noise arises from down the hall.  Father dismounts, runs down the hall, only to find the boy with Grandmother bent over the bed.

""What the hell do you think you're doing?"" says Father.

Boy smiles, winks, and says ""not so funny when it's your mom, is it?""",41bt0o,6966,Boy walks in on his parents going at it...,"['father', 'turn', 'around', 'smile', 'wink', 'minute', 'later', 'horrible', 'noise', 'arises', 'hall', 'father', 'dismount', 'run', 'hall', 'find', 'boy', 'grandmother', 'bent', 'bed', 'hell', 'think', 'say', 'father', 'boy', 'smile', 'wink', 'say', 'funny', 'mom']","['boy', 'walk', 'parent', 'going']","['father', 'turn', 'around', 'smile', 'wink', 'minute', 'later', 'horrible', 'noise', 'arises', 'hall', 'father', 'dismount', 'run', 'hall', 'find', 'boy', 'grandmother', 'bent', 'bed', 'hell', 'think', 'say', 'father', 'boy', 'smile', 'wink', 'say', 'funny', 'mom', 'boy', 'walk', 'parent', 'going']",34
"He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. 

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

*""OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!""*",3ya6db,6948,Man in ecstasy...,"['ecstasy', 'huge', 'smile', 'face', 'wife', 'moved', 'forward', 'backwards', 'forward', 'backwards', 'back', 'forth', 'back', 'forth', 'going', 'minute', 'point', 'heart', 'pounding', 'face', 'flushed', 'moaned', 'softly', 'first', 'began', 'groan', 'louder', 'finally', 'totally', 'exhausted', 'let', 'almighty', 'scream', 'shouted', 'ok', 'ok', 'ca', 'park', 'damn', 'car', 'smug', 'bastard']","['man', 'ecstasy']","['ecstasy', 'huge', 'smile', 'face', 'wife', 'moved', 'forward', 'backwards', 'forward', 'backwards', 'back', 'forth', 'back', 'forth', 'going', 'minute', 'point', 'heart', 'pounding', 'face', 'flushed', 'moaned', 'softly', 'first', 'began', 'groan', 'louder', 'finally', 'totally', 'exhausted', 'let', 'almighty', 'scream', 'shouted', 'ok', 'ok', 'ca', 'park', 'damn', 'car', 'smug', 'bastard', 'man', 'ecstasy']",44
"They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. 

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain.

The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy.

While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says ""Well it's your turn now. What do you request?""

The British man responds ""First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy.""

The Judge yells ""You're crazy! why would you do that?""

The Brit responds ""Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back.""
 ",4g6m02,6947,"A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.","['prosecuted', 'judge', 'sentence', 'lash', 'however', 'want', 'look', 'lenient', 'eye', 'respective', 'country', 'reduces', 'lash', 'twenty', 'allows', 'two', 'request', 'lashed', 'spanish', 'first', 'lashed', 'request', 'bottle', 'tequila', 'pillow', 'strapped', 'back', 'let', 'drink', 'tequila', 'strap', 'pillow', 'back', 'commence', 'lash', 'lash', 'pillow', 'break', 'keep', 'lashing', 'lash', 'bawling', 'back', 'horribly', 'scared', 'haul', 'away', 'sent', 'back', 'spain', 'french', 'man', 'next', 'request', 'two', 'pillow', 'one', 'per', 'request', 'lash', 'pillow', 'break', 'continue', 'next', 'end', 'also', 'horribly', 'scarred', 'bawling', 'bad', 'spanish', 'guy', 'hauling', 'french', 'guy', 'judge', 'turn', 'brit', 'say', 'well', 'turn', 'request', 'british', 'man', 'responds', 'first', 'want', 'original', 'punishment', 'lash', 'believe', 'get', 'easy', 'judge', 'yell', 'crazy', 'would', 'brit', 'responds', 'next', 'request', 'french', 'man', 'strapped', 'back']","['british', 'man', 'french', 'man', 'spanish', 'man', 'caught', 'stealing', 'foreign', 'country']","['prosecuted', 'judge', 'sentence', 'lash', 'however', 'want', 'look', 'lenient', 'eye', 'respective', 'country', 'reduces', 'lash', 'twenty', 'allows', 'two', 'request', 'lashed', 'spanish', 'first', 'lashed', 'request', 'bottle', 'tequila', 'pillow', 'strapped', 'back', 'let', 'drink', 'tequila', 'strap', 'pillow', 'back', 'commence', 'lash', 'lash', 'pillow', 'break', 'keep', 'lashing', 'lash', 'bawling', 'back', 'horribly', 'scared', 'haul', 'away', 'sent', 'back', 'spain', 'french', 'man', 'next', 'request', 'two', 'pillow', 'one', 'per', 'request', 'lash', 'pillow', 'break', 'continue', 'next', 'end', 'also', 'horribly', 'scarred', 'bawling', 'bad', 'spanish', 'guy', 'hauling', 'french', 'guy', 'judge', 'turn', 'brit', 'say', 'well', 'turn', 'request', 'british', 'man', 'responds', 'first', 'want', 'original', 'punishment', 'lash', 'believe', 'get', 'easy', 'judge', 'yell', 'crazy', 'would', 'brit', 'responds', 'next', 'request', 'french', 'man', 'strapped', 'back', 'british', 'man', 'french', 'man', 'spanish', 'man', 'caught', 'stealing', 'foreign', 'country']",115
"Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint; 

""That will be $0.05 please sir"". 

""Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too""

""Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir"". 

""Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps"". 

""0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together"". 

""This is astonishing, can I speak to the owner of this place, I'd like to thank him"". 

""Oh, not just now, he is busy, he is upstairs with my wife"". 

""...What is he doing upstairs with your wife?""

""Same thing I am doing down here with his business"".

",536xmy,6935,Cheaper Pub in the World,"['guy', 'walk', 'pub', 'asks', 'bar', 'man', 'pint', 'please', 'sir', 'wow', 'case', 'shot', 'whisky', 'certainly', 'sir', 'damnnn', 'ok', 'packet', 'crisp', 'please', 'sir', 'together', 'astonishing', 'speak', 'owner', 'place', 'like', 'thank', 'oh', 'busy', 'upstairs', 'wife', 'upstairs', 'wife', 'thing', 'business']","['cheaper', 'pub', 'world']","['guy', 'walk', 'pub', 'asks', 'bar', 'man', 'pint', 'please', 'sir', 'wow', 'case', 'shot', 'whisky', 'certainly', 'sir', 'damnnn', 'ok', 'packet', 'crisp', 'please', 'sir', 'together', 'astonishing', 'speak', 'owner', 'place', 'like', 'thank', 'oh', 'busy', 'upstairs', 'wife', 'upstairs', 'wife', 'thing', 'business', 'cheaper', 'pub', 'world']",39
"A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the 
dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I 
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The 
very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from 
his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his 
boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of 
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the 
politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

",34ievr,6915,A priest is being honored at his retirement dinner...,"['priest', 'honoured', 'retirement', 'dinner', 'year', 'parish', 'leading', 'local', 'politician', 'member', 'congregation', 'chosen', 'make', 'presentation', 'give', 'little', 'speech', 'dinner', 'however', 'delayed', 'priest', 'decided', 'say', 'word', 'waited', 'thank', 'goodness', 'catholic', 'wonderful', 'sense', 'humour', 'got', 'first', 'impression', 'parish', 'first', 'confession', 'heard', 'thought', 'assigned', 'terrible', 'place', 'first', 'person', 'entered', 'confessional', 'told', 'stolen', 'television', 'set', 'questioned', 'police', 'able', 'lie', 'way', 'stolen', 'money', 'parent', 'embezzled', 'employer', 'affair', 'bos', 'wife', 'sex', 'bos', 'year', 'old', 'daughter', 'numerous', 'occasion', 'taken', 'illegal', 'drug', 'several', 'homosexual', 'affair', 'arrested', 'several', 'time', 'public', 'nudity', 'gave', 'vd', 'sister', 'appalled', 'one', 'person', 'could', 'many', 'awful', 'thing', 'day', 'went', 'learned', 'people', 'like', 'indeed', 'come', 'fine', 'parish', 'full', 'good', 'loving', 'priest', 'finished', 'talk', 'politician', 'arrived', 'full', 'apology', 'late', 'immediately', 'began', 'make', 'presentation', 'gave', 'talk', 'never', 'forget', 'first', 'day', 'parish', 'priest', 'arrived', 'said', 'politician', 'fact', 'honour', 'first', 'person', 'go', 'confession']","['priest', 'honored', 'retirement', 'dinner']","['priest', 'honoured', 'retirement', 'dinner', 'year', 'parish', 'leading', 'local', 'politician', 'member', 'congregation', 'chosen', 'make', 'presentation', 'give', 'little', 'speech', 'dinner', 'however', 'delayed', 'priest', 'decided', 'say', 'word', 'waited', 'thank', 'goodness', 'catholic', 'wonderful', 'sense', 'humour', 'got', 'first', 'impression', 'parish', 'first', 'confession', 'heard', 'thought', 'assigned', 'terrible', 'place', 'first', 'person', 'entered', 'confessional', 'told', 'stolen', 'television', 'set', 'questioned', 'police', 'able', 'lie', 'way', 'stolen', 'money', 'parent', 'embezzled', 'employer', 'affair', 'bos', 'wife', 'sex', 'bos', 'year', 'old', 'daughter', 'numerous', 'occasion', 'taken', 'illegal', 'drug', 'several', 'homosexual', 'affair', 'arrested', 'several', 'time', 'public', 'nudity', 'gave', 'vd', 'sister', 'appalled', 'one', 'person', 'could', 'many', 'awful', 'thing', 'day', 'went', 'learned', 'people', 'like', 'indeed', 'come', 'fine', 'parish', 'full', 'good', 'loving', 'priest', 'finished', 'talk', 'politician', 'arrived', 'full', 'apology', 'late', 'immediately', 'began', 'make', 'presentation', 'gave', 'talk', 'never', 'forget', 'first', 'day', 'parish', 'priest', 'arrived', 'said', 'politician', 'fact', 'honour', 'first', 'person', 'go', 'confession', 'priest', 'honored', 'retirement', 'dinner']",136
I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing. ,2ssndg,6908,What's the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself?,"['get', 'jimmy', 'fallon', 'joke', 'without', 'laughing']","['difference', 'jimmy', 'fallon']","['get', 'jimmy', 'fallon', 'joke', 'without', 'laughing', 'difference', 'jimmy', 'fallon']",9
I didn't want to interrupt her.,3rslp6,6906,I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.,"['want', 'interrupt']","['talked', 'wife', 'three', 'week']","['want', 'interrupt', 'talked', 'wife', 'three', 'week']",6
"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.

You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!

I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.
",4b3xej,6895,"Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:","['hey', 'baby', 'followed', 'seeing', 'people', 'behind', 'back', 'hot', 'suffocating', 'relationship', 'know', 'angel', 'flew', 'close', 'ground', 'maybe', 'angel', 'gained', 'little', 'weight', 'since', 'started', 'going', 'love', 'like', 'six', 'ball', 'cricket', 'leaving', 'religious', 'ground', 'decided', 'become', 'jew', 'fucking', 'pig']","['fuck', 'cheesy', 'line', 'need', 'better', 'line']","['hey', 'baby', 'followed', 'seeing', 'people', 'behind', 'back', 'hot', 'suffocating', 'relationship', 'know', 'angel', 'flew', 'close', 'ground', 'maybe', 'angel', 'gained', 'little', 'weight', 'since', 'started', 'going', 'love', 'like', 'six', 'ball', 'cricket', 'leaving', 'religious', 'ground', 'decided', 'become', 'jew', 'fucking', 'pig', 'fuck', 'cheesy', 'line', 'need', 'better', 'line']",42
"Robber:  ""Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) ""Did you mean to say ""or you're history?""

Robber: ""Don't change the subject.""",2zjm7g,6890,"Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...","['robber', 'give', 'money', 'geography', 'cashier', 'puzzled', 'mean', 'say', 'history', 'robber', 'change', 'subject']","['bank', 'robber', 'pull', 'gun', 'point', 'teller']","['robber', 'give', 'money', 'geography', 'cashier', 'puzzled', 'mean', 'say', 'history', 'robber', 'change', 'subject', 'bank', 'robber', 'pull', 'gun', 'point', 'teller']",18
"they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.",2zfwul,6889,I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl...,"['told', 'imaginary', 'joke']","['told', 'friend', 'date', 'really', 'attractive', 'girl']","['told', 'imaginary', 'joke', 'told', 'friend', 'date', 'really', 'attractive', 'girl']",9
"The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.""
The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, ""How do I stop the medicine from working?"" ""Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'"" he responded, ""but when she does, the
medicine will not work again until next full moon.""

The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, ""1-2-3!""

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, ""What was the 1-2-3 for?""

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.",2oebju,6865,"On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife...","['certificate', 'paid', 'visit', 'medicine', 'man', 'living', 'nearby', 'reservation', 'rumored', 'wonderful', 'cure', 'erectile', 'dysfunction', 'persuaded', 'drove', 'reservation', 'handed', 'ticket', 'medicine', 'man', 'wondered', 'medicine', 'man', 'slowly', 'methodically', 'produced', 'potion', 'handed', 'grip', 'shoulder', 'warned', 'powerful', 'medicine', 'must', 'respected', 'take', 'teaspoonful', 'say', 'become', 'manlier', 'ever', 'life', 'perform', 'long', 'want', 'old', 'man', 'encouraged', 'walked', 'away', 'turned', 'asked', 'stop', 'medicine', 'working', 'partner', 'must', 'say', 'responded', 'medicine', 'work', 'next', 'full', 'moon', 'old', 'man', 'eager', 'see', 'worked', 'went', 'home', 'showered', 'shaved', 'took', 'spoonful', 'medicine', 'invited', 'wife', 'join', 'bedroom', 'came', 'took', 'clothes', 'said', 'immediately', 'manliest', 'men', 'wife', 'excited', 'began', 'throwing', 'clothes', 'asked', 'boy', 'girl', 'never', 'end', 'sentence', 'preposition', 'could', 'end', 'dangling', 'participle']","['birthday', 'man', 'got', 'gift', 'certificate', 'wife']","['certificate', 'paid', 'visit', 'medicine', 'man', 'living', 'nearby', 'reservation', 'rumored', 'wonderful', 'cure', 'erectile', 'dysfunction', 'persuaded', 'drove', 'reservation', 'handed', 'ticket', 'medicine', 'man', 'wondered', 'medicine', 'man', 'slowly', 'methodically', 'produced', 'potion', 'handed', 'grip', 'shoulder', 'warned', 'powerful', 'medicine', 'must', 'respected', 'take', 'teaspoonful', 'say', 'become', 'manlier', 'ever', 'life', 'perform', 'long', 'want', 'old', 'man', 'encouraged', 'walked', 'away', 'turned', 'asked', 'stop', 'medicine', 'working', 'partner', 'must', 'say', 'responded', 'medicine', 'work', 'next', 'full', 'moon', 'old', 'man', 'eager', 'see', 'worked', 'went', 'home', 'showered', 'shaved', 'took', 'spoonful', 'medicine', 'invited', 'wife', 'join', 'bedroom', 'came', 'took', 'clothes', 'said', 'immediately', 'manliest', 'men', 'wife', 'excited', 'began', 'throwing', 'clothes', 'asked', 'boy', 'girl', 'never', 'end', 'sentence', 'preposition', 'could', 'end', 'dangling', 'participle', 'birthday', 'man', 'got', 'gift', 'certificate', 'wife']",109
That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.,3ia9d7,6859,If the next president is white....,"['mean', 'entire', 'country', 'went', 'black', 'successfully', 'went', 'back']","['next', 'president', 'white']","['mean', 'entire', 'country', 'went', 'black', 'successfully', 'went', 'back', 'next', 'president', 'white']",11
"It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.",2nrv35,6848,My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.,"['true', 'love', 'matthew', 'equally']","['wife', 'always', 'accuses', 'favorite', 'child']","['true', 'love', 'matthew', 'equally', 'wife', 'always', 'accuses', 'favorite', 'child']",9
"None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.",3x2bd6,6833,"How many ""friend-zoned"" guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?","['none', 'compliment', 'get', 'pissed', 'wo', 'screw']","['many', 'guy', 'take', 'screw', 'light', 'bulb']","['none', 'compliment', 'get', 'pissed', 'wo', 'screw', 'many', 'guy', 'take', 'screw', 'light', 'bulb']",12
FINNISH HYMN!!!,2ximhv,6822,"TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.","['finnish', 'hymn']","['til', 'release', 'finland', 'original', 'mortal', 'kombat', 'censored', 'unusual', 'way', 'censor', 'fine', 'gore', 'insisted', 'music', 'replaced', 'traditional', 'christian', 'song']","['finnish', 'hymn', 'til', 'release', 'finland', 'original', 'mortal', 'kombat', 'censored', 'unusual', 'way', 'censor', 'fine', 'gore', 'insisted', 'music', 'replaced', 'traditional', 'christian', 'song']",20
"Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 10 year olds",3zpb7l,6816,They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile,"['live', 'next', 'smoking', 'hot', 'year', 'old']","['say', 'every', 'people', 'live', 'next', 'pedophile']","['live', 'next', 'smoking', 'hot', 'year', 'old', 'say', 'every', 'people', 'live', 'next', 'pedophile']",12
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.,460hms,6816,"I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.","['took', 'age', 'get', 'husband', 'voice', 'right']","['started', 'sexual', 'relationship', 'blind', 'woman', 'rewarding', 'quite', 'challenging']","['took', 'age', 'get', 'husband', 'voice', 'right', 'started', 'sexual', 'relationship', 'blind', 'woman', 'rewarding', 'quite', 'challenging']",14
It was given two consecutive sentences. ,42g2ze,6804,What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?,"['given', 'two', 'consecutive', 'sentence']","['happened', 'semicolon', 'broke', 'grammar', 'law']","['given', 'two', 'consecutive', 'sentence', 'happened', 'semicolon', 'broke', 'grammar', 'law']",9
"When this gets 500 upvotes, I'll tell you the answer.

EDIT: Slightly late, but:

10: one to change it, one to post about it for karma and eight to repost it a few months later.

",2q2uaq,6801,How many karma whores does it take to change a lightbulb?,"['get', 'upvotes', 'tell', 'answer', 'edit', 'slightly', 'late', 'one', 'change', 'one', 'post', 'karma', 'eight', 'repost', 'month', 'later']","['many', 'karma', 'whore', 'take', 'change', 'lightbulb']","['get', 'upvotes', 'tell', 'answer', 'edit', 'slightly', 'late', 'one', 'change', 'one', 'post', 'karma', 'eight', 'repost', 'month', 'later', 'many', 'karma', 'whore', 'take', 'change', 'lightbulb']",22
"... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast....",3hgcsm,6797,An elderly man in Louisiana ...,"['owned', 'large', 'farm', 'several', 'year', 'large', 'pond', 'back', 'properly', 'shaped', 'swimming', 'fixed', 'nice', 'picnic', 'table', 'horseshoe', 'court', 'apple', 'peach', 'tree', 'one', 'evening', 'old', 'farmer', 'decided', 'go', 'pond', 'look', 'grabbed', 'bucket', 'bring', 'back', 'fruit', 'neared', 'pond', 'heard', 'voice', 'shouting', 'laughing', 'glee', 'came', 'closer', 'saw', 'bunch', 'young', 'woman', 'pond', 'made', 'woman', 'aware', 'presence', 'went', 'deep', 'end', 'one', 'woman', 'shouted', 'coming', 'leave', 'old', 'man', 'frowned', 'come', 'watch', 'lady', 'swim', 'naked', 'make', 'get', 'pond', 'naked', 'holding', 'bucket', 'said', 'feed', 'alligator', 'old', 'men', 'still', 'think', 'fast']","['elderly', 'man', 'louisiana']","['owned', 'large', 'farm', 'several', 'year', 'large', 'pond', 'back', 'properly', 'shaped', 'swimming', 'fixed', 'nice', 'picnic', 'table', 'horseshoe', 'court', 'apple', 'peach', 'tree', 'one', 'evening', 'old', 'farmer', 'decided', 'go', 'pond', 'look', 'grabbed', 'bucket', 'bring', 'back', 'fruit', 'neared', 'pond', 'heard', 'voice', 'shouting', 'laughing', 'glee', 'came', 'closer', 'saw', 'bunch', 'young', 'woman', 'pond', 'made', 'woman', 'aware', 'presence', 'went', 'deep', 'end', 'one', 'woman', 'shouted', 'coming', 'leave', 'old', 'man', 'frowned', 'come', 'watch', 'lady', 'swim', 'naked', 'make', 'get', 'pond', 'naked', 'holding', 'bucket', 'said', 'feed', 'alligator', 'old', 'men', 'still', 'think', 'fast', 'elderly', 'man', 'louisiana']",84
"Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.",3orvu0,6796,I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??,"['apparently', 'change', 'color', 'baby', 'go', 'figure']","['thought', 'vasectomy', 'supposed', 'keep', 'getting', 'wife', 'pregnant']","['apparently', 'change', 'color', 'baby', 'go', 'figure', 'thought', 'vasectomy', 'supposed', 'keep', 'getting', 'wife', 'pregnant']",13
"A man walks into a gun shop.

""I want to buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle""

""sure"" said the owner handing over a scope ""if you look out the window, this scope is so powerful you can see into my house""

The man looks, then turns to the shopkeeper and says ""sorry mate there is a man in there and a woman who i can only assume is your wife?""

""cheating, bitch!"" the shopkeeper said, putting two bullets on the counter he said ""Shoot that guys prick off and you can have the scope for free, shoot that bitches' head off and I'll give you free bullets for the rest of your life""

The guy looks through the scope again and says ""what do I get if I only use one shot?""",2vz117,6790,Bet on a bullet (slightly NSFW),"['man', 'walk', 'gun', 'shop', 'want', 'buy', 'new', 'scope', 'bullet', 'rifle', 'sure', 'said', 'owner', 'handing', 'scope', 'look', 'window', 'scope', 'powerful', 'see', 'house', 'man', 'look', 'turn', 'shopkeeper', 'say', 'sorry', 'mate', 'man', 'woman', 'assume', 'wife', 'cheating', 'bitch', 'shopkeeper', 'said', 'putting', 'two', 'bullet', 'counter', 'said', 'shoot', 'guy', 'prick', 'scope', 'free', 'shoot', 'bitch', 'head', 'give', 'free', 'bullet', 'rest', 'life', 'guy', 'look', 'scope', 'say', 'get', 'use', 'one', 'shot']","['bet', 'bullet', 'slightly', 'nsfw']","['man', 'walk', 'gun', 'shop', 'want', 'buy', 'new', 'scope', 'bullet', 'rifle', 'sure', 'said', 'owner', 'handing', 'scope', 'look', 'window', 'scope', 'powerful', 'see', 'house', 'man', 'look', 'turn', 'shopkeeper', 'say', 'sorry', 'mate', 'man', 'woman', 'assume', 'wife', 'cheating', 'bitch', 'shopkeeper', 'said', 'putting', 'two', 'bullet', 'counter', 'said', 'shoot', 'guy', 'prick', 'scope', 'free', 'shoot', 'bitch', 'head', 'give', 'free', 'bullet', 'rest', 'life', 'guy', 'look', 'scope', 'say', 'get', 'use', 'one', 'shot', 'bet', 'bullet', 'slightly', 'nsfw']",66
"To look sharp.

 
 

Credit: 3rd grade me.",3op5rq,6787,Why do pencils shave?,"['look', 'sharp', 'nbsp', 'nbsp', 'credit', 'grade']","['pencil', 'shave']","['look', 'sharp', 'nbsp', 'nbsp', 'credit', 'grade', 'pencil', 'shave']",8
"...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. ""Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!""  Then the other kid said ""well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!""",3w0fde,6786,Two boys are in the woods...,"['walking', 'noticed', 'two', 'girl', 'getting', 'naked', 'nearby', 'pond', 'one', 'kid', 'bolted', 'way', 'one', 'chased', 'leave', 'man', 'prime', 'opportunity', 'u', 'see', 'naked', 'chick', 'kid', 'said', 'well', 'mom', 'said', 'ever', 'see', 'naked', 'girl', 'married', 'turn', 'stone', 'felt', 'something', 'getting', 'hard']","['two', 'boy', 'wood']","['walking', 'noticed', 'two', 'girl', 'getting', 'naked', 'nearby', 'pond', 'one', 'kid', 'bolted', 'way', 'one', 'chased', 'leave', 'man', 'prime', 'opportunity', 'u', 'see', 'naked', 'chick', 'kid', 'said', 'well', 'mom', 'said', 'ever', 'see', 'naked', 'girl', 'married', 'turn', 'stone', 'felt', 'something', 'getting', 'hard', 'two', 'boy', 'wood']",41
"...when they spot tracks on the ground. The first blonde says: ""Look, those are deer tracks.""  
The second blonde looks at them and says: ""No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves.""  
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: ""You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure.""  
They were still arguing when the train hit them.",3vwu15,6781,Three blondes are walking through a forest,"['spot', 'track', 'ground', 'first', 'blonde', 'say', 'look', 'deer', 'track', 'second', 'blonde', 'look', 'say', 'wrong', 'track', 'obviously', 'belong', 'wolf', 'third', 'blonde', 'think', 'minute', 'say', 'wrong', 'hog', 'track', 'sure', 'still', 'arguing', 'train', 'hit']","['three', 'blonde', 'walking', 'forest']","['spot', 'track', 'ground', 'first', 'blonde', 'say', 'look', 'deer', 'track', 'second', 'blonde', 'look', 'say', 'wrong', 'track', 'obviously', 'belong', 'wolf', 'third', 'blonde', 'think', 'minute', 'say', 'wrong', 'hog', 'track', 'sure', 'still', 'arguing', 'train', 'hit', 'three', 'blonde', 'walking', 'forest']",35
"A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost.  Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her!  Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote.  In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the poor creature.  Shocked beyond words, the woman went around the man as quickly as possibly and drove on.  
Speeding toward some lights in the distance, she discovered a bar with a sheriffs  car parked outside.  
""It figures"", she thought, and resolved to go inside and file a complaint.  On a rocking chair near the door, an old man was sitting and masturbating openly.  Horrified, she stomped into the bar and straight away went up to the sheriff, who was sitting at the bar.  She shouted at the sheriff:  
""What sort of town are you running here?!  You've got people running around the desert fucking coyotes, and- and just outside there was an old man masturbating openly!  How can you explain this?!""  
The sheriff sipped his beer and said, ""Ah well, you can't expect him to catch a coyote at his age""         ",4d4pq2,6776,The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible,"['woman', 'driving', 'remote', 'section', 'desert', 'night', 'thoroughly', 'lost', 'suddenly', 'coyote', 'ran', 'road', 'ahead', 'slamming', 'brake', 'woman', 'astounded', 'see', 'man', 'come', 'running', 'darkness', 'toward', 'coyote', 'one', 'smooth', 'motion', 'strange', 'man', 'took', 'pant', 'grabbed', 'coyote', 'back', 'leg', 'began', 'furiously', 'sodomizing', 'poor', 'creature', 'shocked', 'beyond', 'word', 'woman', 'went', 'around', 'man', 'quickly', 'possibly', 'drove', 'speeding', 'toward', 'light', 'distance', 'discovered', 'bar', 'sheriff', 'car', 'parked', 'outside', 'figure', 'thought', 'resolved', 'go', 'inside', 'file', 'complaint', 'rocking', 'chair', 'near', 'door', 'old', 'man', 'sitting', 'masturbating', 'openly', 'horrified', 'stomped', 'bar', 'straight', 'away', 'went', 'sheriff', 'sitting', 'bar', 'shouted', 'sheriff', 'sort', 'town', 'running', 'got', 'people', 'running', 'around', 'desert', 'fucking', 'coyote', 'outside', 'old', 'man', 'masturbating', 'openly', 'explain', 'sheriff', 'sipped', 'beer', 'said', 'ah', 'well', 'ca', 'expect', 'catch', 'coyote', 'age']","['worst', 'joke', 'remember', 'nsfw', 'warning', 'joke', 'long', 'terrible']","['woman', 'driving', 'remote', 'section', 'desert', 'night', 'thoroughly', 'lost', 'suddenly', 'coyote', 'ran', 'road', 'ahead', 'slamming', 'brake', 'woman', 'astounded', 'see', 'man', 'come', 'running', 'darkness', 'toward', 'coyote', 'one', 'smooth', 'motion', 'strange', 'man', 'took', 'pant', 'grabbed', 'coyote', 'back', 'leg', 'began', 'furiously', 'sodomizing', 'poor', 'creature', 'shocked', 'beyond', 'word', 'woman', 'went', 'around', 'man', 'quickly', 'possibly', 'drove', 'speeding', 'toward', 'light', 'distance', 'discovered', 'bar', 'sheriff', 'car', 'parked', 'outside', 'figure', 'thought', 'resolved', 'go', 'inside', 'file', 'complaint', 'rocking', 'chair', 'near', 'door', 'old', 'man', 'sitting', 'masturbating', 'openly', 'horrified', 'stomped', 'bar', 'straight', 'away', 'went', 'sheriff', 'sitting', 'bar', 'shouted', 'sheriff', 'sort', 'town', 'running', 'got', 'people', 'running', 'around', 'desert', 'fucking', 'coyote', 'outside', 'old', 'man', 'masturbating', 'openly', 'explain', 'sheriff', 'sipped', 'beer', 'said', 'ah', 'well', 'ca', 'expect', 'catch', 'coyote', 'age', 'worst', 'joke', 'remember', 'nsfw', 'warning', 'joke', 'long', 'terrible']",122
"Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.",4qvf7p,6763,Why are the twin towers and genders so similar?,"['used', 'two', 'offensive', 'joke']","['twin', 'tower', 'gender', 'similar']","['used', 'two', 'offensive', 'joke', 'twin', 'tower', 'gender', 'similar']",8
"I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.",4lbpsc,6756,"Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, ""I'll give you a reason to cry""?","['always', 'thought', 'gunna', 'hit', 'going', 'destroy', 'housing', 'market', 'year', 'later']","['remember', 'kid', 'cried', 'parent', 'said', 'give', 'reason', 'cry']","['always', 'thought', 'gunna', 'hit', 'going', 'destroy', 'housing', 'market', 'year', 'later', 'remember', 'kid', 'cried', 'parent', 'said', 'give', 'reason', 'cry']",18
"The bartender says "" Sorry,  we don't serve breakfast here"".",2nkp3p,6754,A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....,"['bartender', 'say', 'sorry', 'serve', 'breakfast']","['piece', 'toast', 'hard', 'boiled', 'egg', 'walked', 'bar']","['bartender', 'say', 'sorry', 'serve', 'breakfast', 'piece', 'toast', 'hard', 'boiled', 'egg', 'walked', 'bar']",12
There was no coffin at the funeral,473ihq,6739,The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.,"['coffin', 'funeral']","['guy', 'invented', 'throat', 'lozenge', 'died', 'last', 'week']","['coffin', 'funeral', 'guy', 'invented', 'throat', 'lozenge', 'died', 'last', 'week']",9
"""No way. That's impossible!"" she said.

""Trust me,"" I said, ""I have no idea where our baby is.""",319og1,6737,I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour,"['way', 'impossible', 'said', 'trust', 'said', 'idea', 'baby']","['told', 'wife', 'lost', 'lb', 'one', 'hour']","['way', 'impossible', 'said', 'trust', 'said', 'idea', 'baby', 'told', 'wife', 'lost', 'lb', 'one', 'hour']",13
A waist of time.,4017dh,6735,What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?,"['waist', 'time']","['call', 'girl', 'hourglass', 'figure']","['waist', 'time', 'call', 'girl', 'hourglass', 'figure']",6
"Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

“What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I've come for some courage.”

”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”

Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.”

”Done,” says the Wizard.

“Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.”

”Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?”

”Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?”",3zf2dq,6733,Four former U.S. presidents...,"['four', 'former', 'president', 'caught', 'horrible', 'tornado', 'hit', 'state', 'funeral', 'attending', 'kansa', 'suddenly', 'blown', 'oz', 'finally', 'make', 'emerald', 'city', 'come', 'great', 'powerful', 'oz', 'brings', 'great', 'wizard', 'oz', 'jimmy', 'carter', 'step', 'forward', 'timidly', 'come', 'problem', 'say', 'wizard', 'next', 'ronald', 'reagan', 'step', 'forward', 'think', 'need', 'done', 'say', 'wizard', 'come', 'next', 'great', 'powerful', 'oz', 'step', 'george', 'bush', 'say', 'told', 'american', 'people', 'need', 'problem', 'say', 'wizard', 'consider', 'great', 'silence', 'hall', 'bill', 'clinton', 'standing', 'looking', 'around', 'say', 'word', 'irritated', 'wizard', 'finally', 'asks', 'want', 'ummm', 'say', 'quietly', 'dorothy', 'around']","['four', 'former', 'president']","['four', 'former', 'president', 'caught', 'horrible', 'tornado', 'hit', 'state', 'funeral', 'attending', 'kansa', 'suddenly', 'blown', 'oz', 'finally', 'make', 'emerald', 'city', 'come', 'great', 'powerful', 'oz', 'brings', 'great', 'wizard', 'oz', 'jimmy', 'carter', 'step', 'forward', 'timidly', 'come', 'problem', 'say', 'wizard', 'next', 'ronald', 'reagan', 'step', 'forward', 'think', 'need', 'done', 'say', 'wizard', 'come', 'next', 'great', 'powerful', 'oz', 'step', 'george', 'bush', 'say', 'told', 'american', 'people', 'need', 'problem', 'say', 'wizard', 'consider', 'great', 'silence', 'hall', 'bill', 'clinton', 'standing', 'looking', 'around', 'say', 'word', 'irritated', 'wizard', 'finally', 'asks', 'want', 'ummm', 'say', 'quietly', 'dorothy', 'around', 'four', 'former', 'president']",85
"A guy asked a girl in a library: Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice: I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU! All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right? The guy responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears: I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.",3vssi4,6732,So a guy asked a girl in a library,"['guy', 'asked', 'girl', 'library', 'mind', 'sit', 'beside', 'girl', 'replied', 'loud', 'voice', 'want', 'spend', 'night', 'student', 'library', 'started', 'staring', 'guy', 'embarrassed', 'couple', 'minute', 'girl', 'walked', 'quietly', 'guy', 'table', 'said', 'study', 'psychology', 'know', 'man', 'thinking', 'guess', 'felt', 'embarrassed', 'right', 'guy', 'responded', 'loud', 'voice', 'one', 'night', 'much', 'people', 'library', 'looked', 'girl', 'shock', 'guy', 'whispered', 'ear', 'study', 'law', 'know', 'make', 'someone', 'feel', 'guilty']","['guy', 'asked', 'girl', 'library']","['guy', 'asked', 'girl', 'library', 'mind', 'sit', 'beside', 'girl', 'replied', 'loud', 'voice', 'want', 'spend', 'night', 'student', 'library', 'started', 'staring', 'guy', 'embarrassed', 'couple', 'minute', 'girl', 'walked', 'quietly', 'guy', 'table', 'said', 'study', 'psychology', 'know', 'man', 'thinking', 'guess', 'felt', 'embarrassed', 'right', 'guy', 'responded', 'loud', 'voice', 'one', 'night', 'much', 'people', 'library', 'looked', 'girl', 'shock', 'guy', 'whispered', 'ear', 'study', 'law', 'know', 'make', 'someone', 'feel', 'guilty', 'guy', 'asked', 'girl', 'library']",63
"""Say your last words!""

""Your last words!""

-






Since this is now on the front page, hello world. Buy shares in hair, I hear it's growing.

And now, [a short intermission](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0wOD9TWynM). Albatrosses will be served shortly.",2wvicu,6730,A terrorist is holding dad at gunpoint,"['say', 'last', 'word', 'last', 'word', 'since', 'front', 'page', 'hello', 'world', 'buy', 'share', 'hair', 'hear', 'growing', 'short', 'intermission', 'http', 'albatross', 'served', 'shortly']","['terrorist', 'holding', 'dad', 'gunpoint']","['say', 'last', 'word', 'last', 'word', 'since', 'front', 'page', 'hello', 'world', 'buy', 'share', 'hair', 'hear', 'growing', 'short', 'intermission', 'http', 'albatross', 'served', 'shortly', 'terrorist', 'holding', 'dad', 'gunpoint']",25
"The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so. 

The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye.

The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off a hundred foot platform. The agent turns to the president and, with teary eyes, pleads:""Mister president, please don't do this, I have a family!""

The president hesitates and retracts his order. The chinese minister snorts and orders the same to his body guard.The chinese bodyguard starts climbing without a second thought. The president grabs his arm and says, ""Wait man, this is too much! You don't have to do this!""

The chinese bodygaurd shakes off his arm and says:""Mister president, please don't, I have family.""

Edit:words.

",3enuwp,6720,The President of the United States and the Prime minister of China are comparing their bodyguards.,"['president', 'order', 'secret', 'service', 'agent', 'jump', 'foot', 'platform', 'agent', 'heisitates', 'prime', 'minister', 'immediately', 'order', 'bodyguard', 'guard', 'jump', 'without', 'batting', 'eye', 'president', 'feeling', 'little', 'defeated', 'order', 'bodyguard', 'jump', 'hundred', 'foot', 'platform', 'agent', 'turn', 'president', 'teary', 'eye', 'pleads', 'mister', 'president', 'please', 'family', 'president', 'hesitates', 'retracts', 'order', 'chinese', 'minister', 'snort', 'order', 'body', 'chinese', 'bodyguard', 'start', 'climbing', 'without', 'second', 'thought', 'president', 'grab', 'arm', 'say', 'wait', 'man', 'much', 'chinese', 'bodygaurd', 'shake', 'arm', 'say', 'mister', 'president', 'please', 'family', 'edit', 'word']","['president', 'united', 'state', 'prime', 'minister', 'china', 'comparing', 'bodyguard']","['president', 'order', 'secret', 'service', 'agent', 'jump', 'foot', 'platform', 'agent', 'heisitates', 'prime', 'minister', 'immediately', 'order', 'bodyguard', 'guard', 'jump', 'without', 'batting', 'eye', 'president', 'feeling', 'little', 'defeated', 'order', 'bodyguard', 'jump', 'hundred', 'foot', 'platform', 'agent', 'turn', 'president', 'teary', 'eye', 'pleads', 'mister', 'president', 'please', 'family', 'president', 'hesitates', 'retracts', 'order', 'chinese', 'minister', 'snort', 'order', 'body', 'chinese', 'bodyguard', 'start', 'climbing', 'without', 'second', 'thought', 'president', 'grab', 'arm', 'say', 'wait', 'man', 'much', 'chinese', 'bodygaurd', 'shake', 'arm', 'say', 'mister', 'president', 'please', 'family', 'edit', 'word', 'president', 'united', 'state', 'prime', 'minister', 'china', 'comparing', 'bodyguard']",82
"I like to joke about it, but I never want to see it live.",3ldpqi,6688,Racism is like Nickelback...,"['like', 'joke', 'never', 'want', 'see', 'live']","['racism', 'like', 'nickelback']","['like', 'joke', 'never', 'want', 'see', 'live', 'racism', 'like', 'nickelback']",9
"It had a bad driver!

**bows **

I'll show myself out.",2dsq8l,6688,I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?,"['bad', 'driver', 'bow', 'show']","['give', 'joke', 'made', 'seven', 'computer', 'crash']","['bad', 'driver', 'bow', 'show', 'give', 'joke', 'made', 'seven', 'computer', 'crash']",10
"Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

Edit: Apparently a lot of you are all teaching my mother new things too. Weird. ",3q8klr,6687,I try to teach my mom something new everyday.,"['supposed', 'learn', 'mistake', 'edit', 'apparently', 'lot', 'teaching', 'mother', 'new', 'thing', 'weird']","['try', 'teach', 'mom', 'something', 'new', 'everyday']","['supposed', 'learn', 'mistake', 'edit', 'apparently', 'lot', 'teaching', 'mother', 'new', 'thing', 'weird', 'try', 'teach', 'mom', 'something', 'new', 'everyday']",17
"At the club, the doorman says, ""Hi Jim, how are you?""

The wife asks, ""How does he know you?""

Jim says, ""Oh dear, I play football with him.""

Inside the Bartender Says, ""The Usual, Jim?""

Jim says to Wife, ""Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team.""

Next a stripper Says, ""Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?""

The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, ""Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...""



Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!",5rts5x,6670,A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.,"['club', 'doorman', 'say', 'hi', 'jim', 'wife', 'asks', 'know', 'jim', 'say', 'oh', 'dear', 'play', 'football', 'inside', 'bartender', 'say', 'usual', 'jim', 'jim', 'say', 'wife', 'say', 'anything', 'dart', 'team', 'next', 'stripper', 'say', 'hi', 'jim', 'crave', 'special', 'wife', 'storm', 'dragging', 'jim', 'jump', 'taxi', 'taxi', 'driver', 'say', 'hey', 'jimmy', 'boy', 'picked', 'ugly', 'one', 'time', 'jim', 'funeral', 'sunday']","['wife', 'treat', 'husband', 'taking', 'strip', 'club', 'birthday']","['club', 'doorman', 'say', 'hi', 'jim', 'wife', 'asks', 'know', 'jim', 'say', 'oh', 'dear', 'play', 'football', 'inside', 'bartender', 'say', 'usual', 'jim', 'jim', 'say', 'wife', 'say', 'anything', 'dart', 'team', 'next', 'stripper', 'say', 'hi', 'jim', 'crave', 'special', 'wife', 'storm', 'dragging', 'jim', 'jump', 'taxi', 'taxi', 'driver', 'say', 'hey', 'jimmy', 'boy', 'picked', 'ugly', 'one', 'time', 'jim', 'funeral', 'sunday', 'wife', 'treat', 'husband', 'taking', 'strip', 'club', 'birthday']",59
"John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you don't.

Edit: double enter",42r97c,6656,John Cena woke up from a coma,"['john', 'cena', 'nurse', 'icu', 'john', 'cena', 'edit', 'double', 'enter']","['john', 'cena', 'woke', 'coma']","['john', 'cena', 'nurse', 'icu', 'john', 'cena', 'edit', 'double', 'enter', 'john', 'cena', 'woke', 'coma']",13
"'Dad, what's Politics?' 

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: 

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. 

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. 

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. 

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. 

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. 

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. 
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. 
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room
and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,

'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ' 

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' 

The little boy replies, 

'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
",3bn8bx,6645,A little boy goes to his dad and asks:,"['politics', 'dad', 'say', 'son', 'let', 'try', 'explain', 'way', 'head', 'family', 'call', 'prime', 'minister', 'mother', 'administrator', 'money', 'call', 'government', 'take', 'care', 'need', 'call', 'people', 'nanny', 'consider', 'working', 'class', 'baby', 'brother', 'call', 'future', 'think', 'see', 'make', 'sense', 'little', 'boy', 'go', 'bed', 'thinking', 'dad', 'said', 'later', 'night', 'hears', 'baby', 'brother', 'cry', 'get', 'check', 'find', 'baby', 'severely', 'soiled', 'nappy', 'little', 'boy', 'go', 'parent', 'room', 'find', 'mother', 'asleep', 'wanting', 'wake', 'go', 'nanny', 'room', 'finding', 'door', 'locked', 'peek', 'keyhole', 'see', 'father', 'bed', 'nanny', 'give', 'go', 'back', 'bed', 'next', 'morning', 'little', 'boy', 'say', 'father', 'think', 'understand', 'concept', 'politics', 'father', 'say', 'son', 'tell', 'word', 'think', 'politics', 'little', 'boy', 'reply', 'prime', 'minister', 'screwing', 'working', 'class', 'government', 'sound', 'asleep', 'people', 'ignored', 'future', 'deep', 'shit']","['little', 'boy', 'go', 'dad', 'asks']","['politics', 'dad', 'say', 'son', 'let', 'try', 'explain', 'way', 'head', 'family', 'call', 'prime', 'minister', 'mother', 'administrator', 'money', 'call', 'government', 'take', 'care', 'need', 'call', 'people', 'nanny', 'consider', 'working', 'class', 'baby', 'brother', 'call', 'future', 'think', 'see', 'make', 'sense', 'little', 'boy', 'go', 'bed', 'thinking', 'dad', 'said', 'later', 'night', 'hears', 'baby', 'brother', 'cry', 'get', 'check', 'find', 'baby', 'severely', 'soiled', 'nappy', 'little', 'boy', 'go', 'parent', 'room', 'find', 'mother', 'asleep', 'wanting', 'wake', 'go', 'nanny', 'room', 'finding', 'door', 'locked', 'peek', 'keyhole', 'see', 'father', 'bed', 'nanny', 'give', 'go', 'back', 'bed', 'next', 'morning', 'little', 'boy', 'say', 'father', 'think', 'understand', 'concept', 'politics', 'father', 'say', 'son', 'tell', 'word', 'think', 'politics', 'little', 'boy', 'reply', 'prime', 'minister', 'screwing', 'working', 'class', 'government', 'sound', 'asleep', 'people', 'ignored', 'future', 'deep', 'shit', 'little', 'boy', 'go', 'dad', 'asks']",119
"A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ""Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.""

""What?"" said the puzzled groom.

""How can that be if you've been married ten times?""

""Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... 

God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!""

""Good,"" said the new husband, ""but, why?""

""You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!""",3y6wp2,6642,"10 husbands, still a virgin.","['lawyer', 'married', 'woman', 'previously', 'divorced', 'ten', 'husband', 'wedding', 'night', 'told', 'new', 'husband', 'please', 'gentle', 'still', 'virgin', 'said', 'puzzled', 'groom', 'married', 'ten', 'time', 'well', 'husband', 'sale', 'representative', 'kept', 'telling', 'great', 'going', 'husband', 'software', 'service', 'never', 'really', 'sure', 'supposed', 'function', 'said', 'look', 'get', 'back', 'husband', 'field', 'service', 'said', 'everything', 'checked', 'diagnostically', 'could', 'get', 'system', 'husband', 'telemarketing', 'even', 'though', 'knew', 'order', 'know', 'would', 'able', 'deliver', 'husband', 'engineer', 'understood', 'basic', 'process', 'wanted', 'three', 'year', 'research', 'implement', 'design', 'new', 'method', 'husband', 'finance', 'administration', 'thought', 'knew', 'sure', 'whether', 'job', 'husband', 'marketing', 'although', 'nice', 'product', 'never', 'sure', 'position', 'husband', 'psychologist', 'ever', 'talk', 'husband', 'gynecologist', 'look', 'husband', 'stamp', 'collector', 'ever', 'god', 'miss', 'married', 'really', 'excited', 'good', 'said', 'new', 'husband', 'lawyer', 'time', 'know', 'gon', 'na', 'get', 'screwed']","['husband', 'still', 'virgin']","['lawyer', 'married', 'woman', 'previously', 'divorced', 'ten', 'husband', 'wedding', 'night', 'told', 'new', 'husband', 'please', 'gentle', 'still', 'virgin', 'said', 'puzzled', 'groom', 'married', 'ten', 'time', 'well', 'husband', 'sale', 'representative', 'kept', 'telling', 'great', 'going', 'husband', 'software', 'service', 'never', 'really', 'sure', 'supposed', 'function', 'said', 'look', 'get', 'back', 'husband', 'field', 'service', 'said', 'everything', 'checked', 'diagnostically', 'could', 'get', 'system', 'husband', 'telemarketing', 'even', 'though', 'knew', 'order', 'know', 'would', 'able', 'deliver', 'husband', 'engineer', 'understood', 'basic', 'process', 'wanted', 'three', 'year', 'research', 'implement', 'design', 'new', 'method', 'husband', 'finance', 'administration', 'thought', 'knew', 'sure', 'whether', 'job', 'husband', 'marketing', 'although', 'nice', 'product', 'never', 'sure', 'position', 'husband', 'psychologist', 'ever', 'talk', 'husband', 'gynecologist', 'look', 'husband', 'stamp', 'collector', 'ever', 'god', 'miss', 'married', 'really', 'excited', 'good', 'said', 'new', 'husband', 'lawyer', 'time', 'know', 'gon', 'na', 'get', 'screwed', 'husband', 'still', 'virgin']",121
"So if you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning!",2zqnwx,6635,Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers.,"['good', 'driver', 'watch', 'woman', 'turning']","['fact', 'lot', 'woman', 'turn', 'good', 'driver']","['good', 'driver', 'watch', 'woman', 'turning', 'fact', 'lot', 'woman', 'turn', 'good', 'driver']",11
But they canceled the interview,2q5kpq,6634,I recently submitted my resume to Sony,"['canceled', 'interview']","['recently', 'submitted', 'resume', 'sony']","['canceled', 'interview', 'recently', 'submitted', 'resume', 'sony']",6
"Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.",2n4cqh,6632,Deaf Sex,"['two', 'deaf', 'people', 'get', 'married', 'first', 'week', 'marriage', 'find', 'unable', 'communicate', 'bedroom', 'light', 'since', 'ca', 'see', 'signing', 'read', 'lip', 'several', 'night', 'fumbling', 'around', 'many', 'misunderstanding', 'wife', 'figure', 'solution', 'writes', 'note', 'husband', 'agree', 'simple', 'signal', 'instance', 'night', 'want', 'sex', 'reach', 'squeeze', 'left', 'breast', 'one', 'time', 'want', 'sex', 'reach', 'squeeze', 'right', 'breast', 'two', 'time', 'husband', 'think', 'great', 'idea', 'writes', 'back', 'wife', 'want', 'sex', 'reach', 'pull', 'penis', 'one', 'time', 'want', 'sex', 'pull', 'penis', 'two', 'hundred', 'fifty', 'time']","['deaf', 'sex']","['two', 'deaf', 'people', 'get', 'married', 'first', 'week', 'marriage', 'find', 'unable', 'communicate', 'bedroom', 'light', 'since', 'ca', 'see', 'signing', 'read', 'lip', 'several', 'night', 'fumbling', 'around', 'many', 'misunderstanding', 'wife', 'figure', 'solution', 'writes', 'note', 'husband', 'agree', 'simple', 'signal', 'instance', 'night', 'want', 'sex', 'reach', 'squeeze', 'left', 'breast', 'one', 'time', 'want', 'sex', 'reach', 'squeeze', 'right', 'breast', 'two', 'time', 'husband', 'think', 'great', 'idea', 'writes', 'back', 'wife', 'want', 'sex', 'reach', 'pull', 'penis', 'one', 'time', 'want', 'sex', 'pull', 'penis', 'two', 'hundred', 'fifty', 'time', 'deaf', 'sex']",76
Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(,3np98z,6631,Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two.,"['help', 'u', 'get', 'rid', 'ecuadorian', 'spider']","['homosexuality', 'found', 'specie', 'homophobia', 'found', 'two']","['help', 'u', 'get', 'rid', 'ecuadorian', 'spider', 'homosexuality', 'found', 'specie', 'homophobia', 'found', 'two']",12
She was lack-toes intolerant.,5rekem,6628,I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.,['intolerant'],"['got', 'frostbite', 'part', 'foot', 'amputated', 'girlfriend', 'left']","['intolerant', 'got', 'frostbite', 'part', 'foot', 'amputated', 'girlfriend', 'left']",8
"My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

""Really!"" I exclaimed.

""No,"" She said, ""April Foogargagggrraggggle.""

That'll teach her to try and be funny...",312p64,6626,It's a healthy relationship,"['wife', 'told', 'wanted', 'give', 'deepthroat', 'blowjob', 'today', 'really', 'exclaimed', 'said', 'april', 'foogargagggrraggggle', 'teach', 'try', 'funny']","['healthy', 'relationship']","['wife', 'told', 'wanted', 'give', 'deepthroat', 'blowjob', 'today', 'really', 'exclaimed', 'said', 'april', 'foogargagggrraggggle', 'teach', 'try', 'funny', 'healthy', 'relationship']",17
...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up,3p7z6r,6625,"Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...","['good', 'idea', 'last', 'night', 'want', 'shut', 'fuck']","['girl', 'remind', 'alarm', 'clock']","['good', 'idea', 'last', 'night', 'want', 'shut', 'fuck', 'girl', 'remind', 'alarm', 'clock']",11
"A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

""Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again.""

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text: ""Really should use spell check! That should be ""wifi"".""",30rvl0,6611,A guy texts his neighbor...,"['guy', 'sends', 'text', 'neighbor', 'bob', 'sorry', 'riddled', 'guilt', 'confess', 'helping', 'wife', 'around', 'probably', 'know', 'excuse', 'get', 'home', 'ca', 'live', 'guilt', 'longer', 'hope', 'accept', 'sincerest', 'apology', 'wo', 'happen', 'feeling', 'outrage', 'betrayed', 'bob', 'grab', 'gun', 'go', 'bedroom', 'without', 'word', 'shoot', 'wife', 'moment', 'later', 'guy', 'get', 'second', 'text', 'really', 'use', 'spell', 'check', 'wifi']","['guy', 'text', 'neighbor']","['guy', 'sends', 'text', 'neighbor', 'bob', 'sorry', 'riddled', 'guilt', 'confess', 'helping', 'wife', 'around', 'probably', 'know', 'excuse', 'get', 'home', 'ca', 'live', 'guilt', 'longer', 'hope', 'accept', 'sincerest', 'apology', 'wo', 'happen', 'feeling', 'outrage', 'betrayed', 'bob', 'grab', 'gun', 'go', 'bedroom', 'without', 'word', 'shoot', 'wife', 'moment', 'later', 'guy', 'get', 'second', 'text', 'really', 'use', 'spell', 'check', 'wifi', 'guy', 'text', 'neighbor']",53
"The librarian looks on her computer and says, ""I don't know if it's in yet."" 

""Yeah that's the one""  ",28s3w4,6608,"A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, ""do you have that book for men with small penises?""","['librarian', 'look', 'computer', 'say', 'know', 'yet', 'yeah', 'one']","['man', 'walk', 'library', 'say', 'librarian', 'book', 'men', 'small', 'penis']","['librarian', 'look', 'computer', 'say', 'know', 'yet', 'yeah', 'one', 'man', 'walk', 'library', 'say', 'librarian', 'book', 'men', 'small', 'penis']",17
Is it alright if I cum inside? ,3gnliw,6605,(Nsfw)What must a vampire ask before he has sex?,"['alright', 'cum', 'inside']","['nsfw', 'must', 'vampire', 'ask', 'sex']","['alright', 'cum', 'inside', 'nsfw', 'must', 'vampire', 'ask', 'sex']",8
"The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
 
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
 
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”

I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”
 
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”

I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
 
After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.

Edit: Thanks for the upvotes 😊
If I have inadvertently upset anyone, I apologize. It was just meant as a joke intended 2 give u a chuckle.",30h7hs,6605,So I went to a mixed religion seminar...,"['christian', 'priest', 'came', 'laid', 'hand', 'hand', 'said', 'jesus', 'christ', 'walk', 'today', 'smiled', 'told', 'paralysed', 'rabbi', 'came', 'laid', 'hand', 'hand', 'said', 'god', 'almighty', 'walk', 'today', 'le', 'amused', 'told', 'nothing', 'wrong', 'mullah', 'came', 'took', 'hand', 'said', 'insha', 'allah', 'walk', 'today', 'snapped', 'nothing', 'wrong', 'buddhist', 'monk', 'came', 'held', 'hand', 'said', 'great', 'buddha', 'walk', 'today', 'rudely', 'told', 'nothing', 'wrong', 'sermon', 'stepped', 'outside', 'found', 'car', 'stolen', 'edit', 'thanks', 'upvotes', 'inadvertently', 'upset', 'anyone', 'apologize', 'meant', 'joke', 'intended', 'give', 'u', 'chuckle']","['went', 'mixed', 'religion', 'seminar']","['christian', 'priest', 'came', 'laid', 'hand', 'hand', 'said', 'jesus', 'christ', 'walk', 'today', 'smiled', 'told', 'paralysed', 'rabbi', 'came', 'laid', 'hand', 'hand', 'said', 'god', 'almighty', 'walk', 'today', 'le', 'amused', 'told', 'nothing', 'wrong', 'mullah', 'came', 'took', 'hand', 'said', 'insha', 'allah', 'walk', 'today', 'snapped', 'nothing', 'wrong', 'buddhist', 'monk', 'came', 'held', 'hand', 'said', 'great', 'buddha', 'walk', 'today', 'rudely', 'told', 'nothing', 'wrong', 'sermon', 'stepped', 'outside', 'found', 'car', 'stolen', 'edit', 'thanks', 'upvotes', 'inadvertently', 'upset', 'anyone', 'apologize', 'meant', 'joke', 'intended', 'give', 'u', 'chuckle', 'went', 'mixed', 'religion', 'seminar']",78
"Warning : A joke from my own language. Terrible grammar ahead.

They took the men of village as hostages. The head of terrorists wanted to have some fun this time. He called the wives of the men to the camp of terrorists. He put bandage to women's eyes and told men to lose their pants. Terrorist turned to the women and said ""You are going to touch every penis one by one. If you find your husband, that couple will be saved. If you cant find, wife and husband will die."" 

After that, first woman started to check penises one by one,

""Not this, not this, husbaand!""

She found right and both were spared. Then second woman came,

""Not this, not this, not this, nope, husbaaand!""

She was also right, both were again spared. Third one,

""Not this, not this, not this,... , husbaand!"" Again right. This situation continued to appear. As a result, terrorist got bored and entered the queue. Next women came and started,

""Not this, not this, not this, not from village, not this, not this, husbaand!""

Edit: thanks kind stranger! My first gold! Not this submission, not that submission, gooold!",2x4f2i,6598,"One day, terrorists attacked a village [NSFW]","['warning', 'joke', 'language', 'terrible', 'grammar', 'ahead', 'took', 'men', 'village', 'hostage', 'head', 'terrorist', 'wanted', 'fun', 'time', 'called', 'wife', 'men', 'camp', 'terrorist', 'put', 'bandage', 'woman', 'eye', 'told', 'men', 'lose', 'pant', 'terrorist', 'turned', 'woman', 'said', 'going', 'touch', 'every', 'penis', 'one', 'one', 'find', 'husband', 'couple', 'saved', 'cant', 'find', 'wife', 'husband', 'die', 'first', 'woman', 'started', 'check', 'penis', 'one', 'one', 'husbaand', 'found', 'right', 'spared', 'second', 'woman', 'came', 'nope', 'husbaaand', 'also', 'right', 'spared', 'third', 'one', 'husbaand', 'right', 'situation', 'continued', 'appear', 'result', 'terrorist', 'got', 'bored', 'entered', 'queue', 'next', 'woman', 'came', 'started', 'village', 'husbaand', 'edit', 'thanks', 'kind', 'stranger', 'first', 'gold', 'submission', 'submission', 'gooold']","['one', 'day', 'terrorist', 'attacked', 'village', 'nsfw']","['warning', 'joke', 'language', 'terrible', 'grammar', 'ahead', 'took', 'men', 'village', 'hostage', 'head', 'terrorist', 'wanted', 'fun', 'time', 'called', 'wife', 'men', 'camp', 'terrorist', 'put', 'bandage', 'woman', 'eye', 'told', 'men', 'lose', 'pant', 'terrorist', 'turned', 'woman', 'said', 'going', 'touch', 'every', 'penis', 'one', 'one', 'find', 'husband', 'couple', 'saved', 'cant', 'find', 'wife', 'husband', 'die', 'first', 'woman', 'started', 'check', 'penis', 'one', 'one', 'husbaand', 'found', 'right', 'spared', 'second', 'woman', 'came', 'nope', 'husbaaand', 'also', 'right', 'spared', 'third', 'one', 'husbaand', 'right', 'situation', 'continued', 'appear', 'result', 'terrorist', 'got', 'bored', 'entered', 'queue', 'next', 'woman', 'came', 'started', 'village', 'husbaand', 'edit', 'thanks', 'kind', 'stranger', 'first', 'gold', 'submission', 'submission', 'gooold', 'one', 'day', 'terrorist', 'attacked', 'village', 'nsfw']",100
"Laughing stock.
",3v5iez,6595,What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?,"['laughing', 'stock']","['call', 'cow', 'sense', 'humor']","['laughing', 'stock', 'call', 'cow', 'sense', 'humor']",6
"and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. 

The woman notices this and asks, ""Is your date running late?"" 

""No,"" he replies, ""I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."" 

The intrigued woman says, ""A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"" 

""It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,"" he explains. 

""What's it telling you now?"" she asked. 

""Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."" he said. 

The woman giggles and replies, ""Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"" 

The man explains, ""Damn thing must be an hour fast.""",3b1pbk,6591,A man walks into a bar,"['take', 'seat', 'next', 'attractive', 'woman', 'give', 'quick', 'glance', 'casually', 'look', 'watch', 'moment', 'woman', 'notice', 'asks', 'date', 'running', 'late', 'reply', 'bought', 'watch', 'testing', 'intrigued', 'woman', 'say', 'watch', 'special', 'us', 'alpha', 'wave', 'telepathically', 'talk', 'explains', 'telling', 'asked', 'well', 'say', 'wearing', 'panty', 'said', 'woman', 'giggle', 'reply', 'well', 'must', 'broken', 'wearing', 'panty', 'man', 'explains', 'damn', 'thing', 'must', 'hour', 'fast']","['man', 'walk', 'bar']","['take', 'seat', 'next', 'attractive', 'woman', 'give', 'quick', 'glance', 'casually', 'look', 'watch', 'moment', 'woman', 'notice', 'asks', 'date', 'running', 'late', 'reply', 'bought', 'watch', 'testing', 'intrigued', 'woman', 'say', 'watch', 'special', 'us', 'alpha', 'wave', 'telepathically', 'talk', 'explains', 'telling', 'asked', 'well', 'say', 'wearing', 'panty', 'said', 'woman', 'giggle', 'reply', 'well', 'must', 'broken', 'wearing', 'panty', 'man', 'explains', 'damn', 'thing', 'must', 'hour', 'fast', 'man', 'walk', 'bar']",58
"It's called ""world history"".

#TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!",3kqyxw,6585,I have a degree in men's studies.,"['called', 'world', 'history', 'trump', 'ca', 'stump', 'trump']","['degree', 'men', 'study']","['called', 'world', 'history', 'trump', 'ca', 'stump', 'trump', 'degree', 'men', 'study']",10
He was in the middle of 9/11,4ydadf,6582,Why did 10 die?,['middle'],['die'],"['middle', 'die']",2
"This month, lunch is on me.",4ndsww,6551,Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!,"['month', 'lunch']","['happy', 'ramadan', 'muslim', 'brother', 'sister']","['month', 'lunch', 'happy', 'ramadan', 'muslim', 'brother', 'sister']",7
"Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Me: ARRRGH!
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the ""C""!",2pw136,6548,As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...,"['pirate', 'favorite', 'letter', 'arrrgh', 'would', 'think', 'would', 'arrrgh', 'first', 'love', 'c']","['told', 'yo', 'son', 'morning']","['pirate', 'favorite', 'letter', 'arrrgh', 'would', 'think', 'would', 'arrrgh', 'first', 'love', 'c', 'told', 'yo', 'son', 'morning']",15
"Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
 
Customs officer: Occupation?

Putin: No, just visiting.
",2vofep,6542,Putin at the airport,"['vladimir', 'putin', 'arrives', 'airport', 'get', 'line', 'custom', 'desk', 'custom', 'officer', 'occupation', 'putin', 'visiting']","['putin', 'airport']","['vladimir', 'putin', 'arrives', 'airport', 'get', 'line', 'custom', 'desk', 'custom', 'officer', 'occupation', 'putin', 'visiting', 'putin', 'airport']",15
"A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, ""What are you doing?""

She answers, ""I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!""

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

""I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."" ",2rm2rf,6531,"Marriage, the real story","['husband', 'walk', 'bedroom', 'see', 'wife', 'packing', 'suitcase', 'asks', 'answer', 'moving', 'nevada', 'heard', 'prostitute', 'get', 'paid', 'free', 'later', 'night', 'way', 'wife', 'walk', 'bedroom', 'see', 'husband', 'packing', 'suitcase', 'asks', 'going', 'reply', 'coming', 'want', 'see', 'live', 'year']","['marriage', 'real', 'story']","['husband', 'walk', 'bedroom', 'see', 'wife', 'packing', 'suitcase', 'asks', 'answer', 'moving', 'nevada', 'heard', 'prostitute', 'get', 'paid', 'free', 'later', 'night', 'way', 'wife', 'walk', 'bedroom', 'see', 'husband', 'packing', 'suitcase', 'asks', 'going', 'reply', 'coming', 'want', 'see', 'live', 'year', 'marriage', 'real', 'story']",37
"Artificial intelligence

*edit: I kinda thought it was funny, and* poof  *it has 3000 upvotes. Thanks for the motivation*",4c8rix,6518,What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?,"['artificial', 'intelligence', 'edit', 'kinda', 'thought', 'funny', 'poof', 'upvotes', 'thanks', 'motivation']","['call', 'blonde', 'dye', 'hair', 'brunette']","['artificial', 'intelligence', 'edit', 'kinda', 'thought', 'funny', 'poof', 'upvotes', 'thanks', 'motivation', 'call', 'blonde', 'dye', 'hair', 'brunette']",15
"They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.
",3ullvl,6517,Photographers are so violent.,"['frame', 'shoot', 'blow', 'hang']","['photographer', 'violent']","['frame', 'shoot', 'blow', 'hang', 'photographer', 'violent']",6
"A few years ago when I first got divorced, I decided to go to Vegas, and wanted to have some fun. I went to a casino, went to the bar, and bought a drink before I did anything when I am approached by a beautiful woman. She asked me if I liked to have fun and I said yes, she then told me she would give me a hand job for 500 dollars and I laughed and said ""500 Dollars!? Why that much?"" She then whipped out her cell phone and showed me a picture of a Lamborghini ""You see this car? I paid for it by selling hand jobs."" So I shrugged and said ""What the hell, I need to live a little, I'll do it"" so we go back to my hotel and she gives me the best hand job I ever had.

She leaves and I pass out. The next night I go back to the same casino bar, and sure enough she's there again and I decide I wanted some more. I walk up to her and say ""You were amazing last night, how much would it cost for a blow job?"" She then smiles and says ""1 grand."" Again I'm a little bit set back by the price and I said ""A grand? Is it that good?"" She then whips out her phone and shows me a picture of a HUGE, luxurious house. She then says ""See this house? I paid for it with blowjobs"" so I said ""Alright let's do it"" so this time we go into her car and she decides to blow me in the parking lot, and its the best blowjob I ever had.

We sit there and I'm blown away by this woman, so I ask her, ""how much would it cost for some pussy?"" She then laughs and points to the casino. ""You see that casino?"" I said ""...yeah?"" She says ""If I had a pussy, I would own that casino.""

Update: Holy shit thanks for the gold. The comments have been awesome and the unexpected tranny attack its been a good day. ",2yo0ue,6516,My first hooker...,"['year', 'ago', 'first', 'got', 'divorced', 'decided', 'go', 'vega', 'wanted', 'fun', 'went', 'casino', 'went', 'bar', 'bought', 'drink', 'anything', 'approached', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'asked', 'liked', 'fun', 'said', 'yes', 'told', 'would', 'give', 'hand', 'job', 'dollar', 'laughed', 'said', 'dollar', 'much', 'whipped', 'cell', 'phone', 'showed', 'picture', 'lamborghini', 'see', 'car', 'paid', 'selling', 'hand', 'job', 'shrugged', 'said', 'hell', 'need', 'live', 'little', 'go', 'back', 'hotel', 'give', 'best', 'hand', 'job', 'ever', 'leaf', 'pas', 'next', 'night', 'go', 'back', 'casino', 'bar', 'sure', 'enough', 'decide', 'wanted', 'walk', 'say', 'amazing', 'last', 'night', 'much', 'would', 'cost', 'blow', 'job', 'smile', 'say', 'grand', 'little', 'bit', 'set', 'back', 'price', 'said', 'grand', 'good', 'whip', 'phone', 'show', 'picture', 'huge', 'luxurious', 'house', 'say', 'see', 'house', 'paid', 'blowjob', 'said', 'alright', 'let', 'time', 'go', 'car', 'decides', 'blow', 'parking', 'lot', 'best', 'blowjob', 'ever', 'sit', 'blown', 'away', 'woman', 'ask', 'much', 'would', 'cost', 'pussy', 'laugh', 'point', 'casino', 'see', 'casino', 'said', 'yeah', 'say', 'pussy', 'would', 'casino', 'update', 'holy', 'shit', 'thanks', 'gold', 'comment', 'awesome', 'unexpected', 'tranny', 'attack', 'good', 'day']","['first', 'hooker']","['year', 'ago', 'first', 'got', 'divorced', 'decided', 'go', 'vega', 'wanted', 'fun', 'went', 'casino', 'went', 'bar', 'bought', 'drink', 'anything', 'approached', 'beautiful', 'woman', 'asked', 'liked', 'fun', 'said', 'yes', 'told', 'would', 'give', 'hand', 'job', 'dollar', 'laughed', 'said', 'dollar', 'much', 'whipped', 'cell', 'phone', 'showed', 'picture', 'lamborghini', 'see', 'car', 'paid', 'selling', 'hand', 'job', 'shrugged', 'said', 'hell', 'need', 'live', 'little', 'go', 'back', 'hotel', 'give', 'best', 'hand', 'job', 'ever', 'leaf', 'pas', 'next', 'night', 'go', 'back', 'casino', 'bar', 'sure', 'enough', 'decide', 'wanted', 'walk', 'say', 'amazing', 'last', 'night', 'much', 'would', 'cost', 'blow', 'job', 'smile', 'say', 'grand', 'little', 'bit', 'set', 'back', 'price', 'said', 'grand', 'good', 'whip', 'phone', 'show', 'picture', 'huge', 'luxurious', 'house', 'say', 'see', 'house', 'paid', 'blowjob', 'said', 'alright', 'let', 'time', 'go', 'car', 'decides', 'blow', 'parking', 'lot', 'best', 'blowjob', 'ever', 'sit', 'blown', 'away', 'woman', 'ask', 'much', 'would', 'cost', 'pussy', 'laugh', 'point', 'casino', 'see', 'casino', 'said', 'yeah', 'say', 'pussy', 'would', 'casino', 'update', 'holy', 'shit', 'thanks', 'gold', 'comment', 'awesome', 'unexpected', 'tranny', 'attack', 'good', 'day', 'first', 'hooker']",153
   Police Let It Go With A Warning,2ru882,6511,My Cocaine Is So White,"['police', 'let', 'go', 'warning']","['cocaine', 'white']","['police', 'let', 'go', 'warning', 'cocaine', 'white']",6
"* My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.  
* Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.  
* CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.  
* Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.  
* A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.  
* If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.  
* McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.  
* Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.  
* Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.  
* A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.  
* A picture is now only worth 200 words.  
* When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.  
* The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.  

And, finally….  
* I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.",44gmsu,6509,This is how bad the economy is:,"['neighbour', 'got', 'credit', 'card', 'mail', 'wife', 'sex', 'husband', 'afford', 'battery', 'ceo', 'playing', 'miniature', 'golf', 'laid', 'congressman', 'stripper', 'killed', 'audience', 'showered', 'roll', 'penny', 'danced', 'bank', 'return', 'check', 'marked', 'insufficient', 'fund', 'call', 'ask', 'meant', 'mcdonald', 'selling', 'ouncer', 'angelina', 'jolie', 'adopted', 'child', 'america', 'parent', 'beverly', 'hill', 'fired', 'nanny', 'learned', 'child', 'name', 'truckload', 'american', 'caught', 'sneaking', 'mexico', 'picture', 'worth', 'word', 'bill', 'hillary', 'travel', 'together', 'share', 'room', 'treasure', 'island', 'casino', 'la', 'vega', 'managed', 'somali', 'pirate', 'depressed', 'last', 'night', 'thinking', 'economy', 'war', 'job', 'saving', 'social', 'security', 'retirement', 'fund', 'called', 'suicide', 'hotline', 'got', 'call', 'centre', 'pakistan', 'told', 'suicidal', 'got', 'excited', 'asked', 'could', 'drive', 'truck']","['bad', 'economy']","['neighbour', 'got', 'credit', 'card', 'mail', 'wife', 'sex', 'husband', 'afford', 'battery', 'ceo', 'playing', 'miniature', 'golf', 'laid', 'congressman', 'stripper', 'killed', 'audience', 'showered', 'roll', 'penny', 'danced', 'bank', 'return', 'check', 'marked', 'insufficient', 'fund', 'call', 'ask', 'meant', 'mcdonald', 'selling', 'ouncer', 'angelina', 'jolie', 'adopted', 'child', 'america', 'parent', 'beverly', 'hill', 'fired', 'nanny', 'learned', 'child', 'name', 'truckload', 'american', 'caught', 'sneaking', 'mexico', 'picture', 'worth', 'word', 'bill', 'hillary', 'travel', 'together', 'share', 'room', 'treasure', 'island', 'casino', 'la', 'vega', 'managed', 'somali', 'pirate', 'depressed', 'last', 'night', 'thinking', 'economy', 'war', 'job', 'saving', 'social', 'security', 'retirement', 'fund', 'called', 'suicide', 'hotline', 'got', 'call', 'centre', 'pakistan', 'told', 'suicidal', 'got', 'excited', 'asked', 'could', 'drive', 'truck', 'bad', 'economy']",99
"Attire

Edit: I wasn't aware this was posted on /r/jokes recently, I didn't care to research either.. Deal With It!",3mc74k,6503,What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?,"['attire', 'edit', 'aware', 'posted', 'recently', 'care', 'research', 'either', 'deal']","['difference', 'well', 'dressed', 'man', 'unicycle', 'poorly', 'dressed', 'man', 'bicycle']","['attire', 'edit', 'aware', 'posted', 'recently', 'care', 'research', 'either', 'deal', 'difference', 'well', 'dressed', 'man', 'unicycle', 'poorly', 'dressed', 'man', 'bicycle']",18
"An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!",4wruv2,6482,The Irish Prostitue,"['irish', 'daughter', 'home', 'year', 'upon', 'return', 'father', 'cursed', 'heavily', 'ye', 'time', 'child', 'ye', 'write', 'u', 'even', 'line', 'ye', 'call', 'ye', 'understand', 'ye', 'put', 'yer', 'old', 'mother', 'girl', 'cry', 'replied', 'dad', 'became', 'prostitute', 'get', 'ye', 'shameless', 'harlot', 'sinner', 'disgrace', 'catholic', 'family', 'dad', 'ye', 'wish', 'came', 'back', 'give', 'mum', 'luxurious', 'fur', 'coat', 'title', 'deed', 'ten', 'bedroom', 'mansion', 'plus', 'million', 'saving', 'certificate', 'little', 'brother', 'gold', 'rolex', 'ye', 'daddy', 'sparkling', 'new', 'mercedes', 'limited', 'edition', 'convertible', 'parked', 'outside', 'plus', 'membership', 'country', 'club', 'take', 'breath', 'invitation', 'ye', 'spend', 'new', 'year', 'eve', 'board', 'new', 'yacht', 'riviera', 'ye', 'said', 'ye', 'become', 'say', 'dad', 'girl', 'cry', 'prostitute', 'daddy', 'goodness', 'ye', 'scared', 'half', 'death', 'girl', 'thought', 'ye', 'said', 'protestant', 'come', 'give', 'yer', 'old', 'dad', 'hug']","['irish', 'prostitue']","['irish', 'daughter', 'home', 'year', 'upon', 'return', 'father', 'cursed', 'heavily', 'ye', 'time', 'child', 'ye', 'write', 'u', 'even', 'line', 'ye', 'call', 'ye', 'understand', 'ye', 'put', 'yer', 'old', 'mother', 'girl', 'cry', 'replied', 'dad', 'became', 'prostitute', 'get', 'ye', 'shameless', 'harlot', 'sinner', 'disgrace', 'catholic', 'family', 'dad', 'ye', 'wish', 'came', 'back', 'give', 'mum', 'luxurious', 'fur', 'coat', 'title', 'deed', 'ten', 'bedroom', 'mansion', 'plus', 'million', 'saving', 'certificate', 'little', 'brother', 'gold', 'rolex', 'ye', 'daddy', 'sparkling', 'new', 'mercedes', 'limited', 'edition', 'convertible', 'parked', 'outside', 'plus', 'membership', 'country', 'club', 'take', 'breath', 'invitation', 'ye', 'spend', 'new', 'year', 'eve', 'board', 'new', 'yacht', 'riviera', 'ye', 'said', 'ye', 'become', 'say', 'dad', 'girl', 'cry', 'prostitute', 'daddy', 'goodness', 'ye', 'scared', 'half', 'death', 'girl', 'thought', 'ye', 'said', 'protestant', 'come', 'give', 'yer', 'old', 'dad', 'hug', 'irish', 'prostitue']",117
Does that make you an iWitness?,4r1wee,6479,"If you watch an Apple store get robbed,","['make', 'iwitness']","['watch', 'apple', 'store', 'get', 'robbed']","['make', 'iwitness', 'watch', 'apple', 'store', 'get', 'robbed']",7
"Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise

Maid: I can cook better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me!

Madam: Ok, second reason.

Maid: I can iron better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me!

Madam: Ok, and the third reason?

Maid: I am better in bed than you. 

Madam's face swelled with rage.

Madam: Did my husband say that?!

Maid: No the driver told me.

Madam: Lower your voice. Is 25% enough?",3kjmcq,6472,Maid wanted a salary raise...,"['madam', 'wanted', 'reason', 'maid', 'thought', 'deserved', 'raise', 'maid', 'cook', 'better', 'madam', 'told', 'maid', 'husband', 'told', 'madam', 'ok', 'second', 'reason', 'maid', 'iron', 'better', 'madam', 'told', 'maid', 'husband', 'told', 'madam', 'ok', 'third', 'reason', 'maid', 'better', 'bed', 'madam', 'face', 'swelled', 'rage', 'madam', 'husband', 'say', 'maid', 'driver', 'told', 'madam', 'lower', 'voice', 'enough']","['maid', 'wanted', 'salary', 'raise']","['madam', 'wanted', 'reason', 'maid', 'thought', 'deserved', 'raise', 'maid', 'cook', 'better', 'madam', 'told', 'maid', 'husband', 'told', 'madam', 'ok', 'second', 'reason', 'maid', 'iron', 'better', 'madam', 'told', 'maid', 'husband', 'told', 'madam', 'ok', 'third', 'reason', 'maid', 'better', 'bed', 'madam', 'face', 'swelled', 'rage', 'madam', 'husband', 'say', 'maid', 'driver', 'told', 'madam', 'lower', 'voice', 'enough', 'maid', 'wanted', 'salary', 'raise']",52
"..and she just reaches over and takes some of my food!
So I ask her, ""can you tie 2 strings together?""

*What?*

""I'm asking, can you tie 2 pieces of string together?""

*I don't understand*

""Oh I'm sorry, what I'm asking is: can you fucking knot?""",4yqde0,6459,So my girlfriend and I were out to dinner...,"['reach', 'take', 'food', 'ask', 'tie', 'string', 'together', 'asking', 'tie', 'piece', 'string', 'together', 'understand', 'oh', 'sorry', 'asking', 'fucking', 'knot']","['girlfriend', 'dinner']","['reach', 'take', 'food', 'ask', 'tie', 'string', 'together', 'asking', 'tie', 'piece', 'string', 'together', 'understand', 'oh', 'sorry', 'asking', 'fucking', 'knot', 'girlfriend', 'dinner']",20
It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.,3pjsus,6457,English can be weird.,"['understood', 'tough', 'thorough', 'thought', 'though']","['english', 'weird']","['understood', 'tough', 'thorough', 'thought', 'though', 'english', 'weird']",7
Banned from the zoo.,2xgboe,6454,What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?,"['banned', 'zoo']","['get', 'insert', 'human', 'dna', 'goat']","['banned', 'zoo', 'get', 'insert', 'human', 'dna', 'goat']",7
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned.............. ""go on"" says the priest. ""I swore the other day"" says the man. ""continue"" says the priest. ""I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway"". ""and this is when you swore?"" asked the priest. ""No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough"" continued the man. ""this must have been when you swore?"" the priest exclaimed. ""No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it"" continued the man. ""Ahhh I see"" says the priest ""this must have been the point where you swore"" ""Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole"" The priest pauses for a few seconds ""you missed the fucking putt didn't you?""",2tw7ex,6429,Forgive me Father for I have sinned.,"['forgive', 'father', 'sinned', 'go', 'say', 'priest', 'swore', 'day', 'say', 'man', 'continue', 'say', 'priest', 'golf', 'course', 'day', 'hit', 'drive', 'looking', 'perfect', 'heading', 'dead', 'straight', 'yard', 'ball', 'hit', 'power', 'line', 'crossing', 'fairway', 'swore', 'asked', 'priest', 'father', 'ball', 'ricocheted', 'power', 'line', 'flew', 'deep', 'rough', 'continued', 'man', 'must', 'swore', 'priest', 'exclaimed', 'father', 'yet', 'walking', 'rough', 'hit', 'second', 'shot', 'hawk', 'flew', 'tree', 'picked', 'ball', 'beak', 'proceeded', 'fly', 'continued', 'man', 'ahhh', 'see', 'say', 'priest', 'must', 'point', 'swore', 'nope', 'yet', 'bird', 'flew', 'green', 'ball', 'fell', 'mouth', 'landed', 'two', 'foot', 'hole', 'priest', 'pause', 'second', 'missed', 'fucking', 'putt']","['forgive', 'father', 'sinned']","['forgive', 'father', 'sinned', 'go', 'say', 'priest', 'swore', 'day', 'say', 'man', 'continue', 'say', 'priest', 'golf', 'course', 'day', 'hit', 'drive', 'looking', 'perfect', 'heading', 'dead', 'straight', 'yard', 'ball', 'hit', 'power', 'line', 'crossing', 'fairway', 'swore', 'asked', 'priest', 'father', 'ball', 'ricocheted', 'power', 'line', 'flew', 'deep', 'rough', 'continued', 'man', 'must', 'swore', 'priest', 'exclaimed', 'father', 'yet', 'walking', 'rough', 'hit', 'second', 'shot', 'hawk', 'flew', 'tree', 'picked', 'ball', 'beak', 'proceeded', 'fly', 'continued', 'man', 'ahhh', 'see', 'say', 'priest', 'must', 'point', 'swore', 'nope', 'yet', 'bird', 'flew', 'green', 'ball', 'fell', 'mouth', 'landed', 'two', 'foot', 'hole', 'priest', 'pause', 'second', 'missed', 'fucking', 'putt', 'forgive', 'father', 'sinned']",92
"...and he overheard a fellow customer say, ""Yipee-ki-yay!"" Without thinking he yelled out, ""Motherfucker!""

Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.

He looked at the crowd of people and said, ""Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard.""",4rwf38,6418,Bruce Willis went shopping...,"['overheard', 'fellow', 'customer', 'say', 'without', 'thinking', 'yelled', 'motherfucker', 'customer', 'gasped', 'stared', 'shocked', 'looked', 'crowd', 'people', 'said', 'oh', 'sorry', 'old', 'habit', 'die', 'hard']","['bruce', 'willis', 'went', 'shopping']","['overheard', 'fellow', 'customer', 'say', 'without', 'thinking', 'yelled', 'motherfucker', 'customer', 'gasped', 'stared', 'shocked', 'looked', 'crowd', 'people', 'said', 'oh', 'sorry', 'old', 'habit', 'die', 'hard', 'bruce', 'willis', 'went', 'shopping']",26
Artificial Swedeners,30lqfm,6398,What do you call immigrants to Sweden?,"['artificial', 'swedeners']","['call', 'immigrant', 'sweden']","['artificial', 'swedeners', 'call', 'immigrant', 'sweden']",5
"The wife says, ""If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once.  If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice.""  

The husband says, ""OK if you want to have sex, pull my dick once.  If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times.""",3y2gz5,6394,A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex...,"['wife', 'say', 'want', 'sex', 'squeeze', 'tit', 'want', 'sex', 'squeeze', 'tit', 'twice', 'husband', 'say', 'ok', 'want', 'sex', 'pull', 'dick', 'want', 'sex', 'pull', 'dick', 'time']","['deaf', 'couple', 'want', 'know', 'sex']","['wife', 'say', 'want', 'sex', 'squeeze', 'tit', 'want', 'sex', 'squeeze', 'tit', 'twice', 'husband', 'say', 'ok', 'want', 'sex', 'pull', 'dick', 'want', 'sex', 'pull', 'dick', 'time', 'deaf', 'couple', 'want', 'know', 'sex']",28
" Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.",2xt2n0,6393,I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.,"['since', 'mugging', 'attempt', 'lot', 'successful']","['started', 'carrying', 'knife', 'attempted', 'mugging', 'year', 'ago']","['since', 'mugging', 'attempt', 'lot', 'successful', 'started', 'carrying', 'knife', 'attempted', 'mugging', 'year', 'ago']",12
"Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, ""I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, ""I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. ""
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, ""Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down.""
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

...

She responded, ""The bastard used coins!""",2dc1wj,6392,(NSFW) Getting Screwed Thousand Times,"['johnny', 'wanted', 'sex', 'girl', 'office', 'belonged', 'someone', 'else', 'one', 'day', 'johnny', 'got', 'frustrated', 'went', 'said', 'give', 'let', 'sex', 'girl', 'said', 'johnny', 'said', 'fast', 'throw', 'money', 'floor', 'bend', 'finished', 'time', 'pick', 'thought', 'moment', 'said', 'would', 'consult', 'boyfriend', 'called', 'boyfriend', 'told', 'story', 'boyfriend', 'say', 'ask', 'pick', 'money', 'fast', 'wo', 'even', 'able', 'get', 'pant', 'agrees', 'accepts', 'proposal', 'half', 'hour', 'go', 'boyfriend', 'waiting', 'girlfriend', 'call', 'finally', 'minute', 'boyfriend', 'call', 'asks', 'happened', 'responded', 'bastard', 'used', 'coin']","['nsfw', 'getting', 'screwed', 'thousand', 'time']","['johnny', 'wanted', 'sex', 'girl', 'office', 'belonged', 'someone', 'else', 'one', 'day', 'johnny', 'got', 'frustrated', 'went', 'said', 'give', 'let', 'sex', 'girl', 'said', 'johnny', 'said', 'fast', 'throw', 'money', 'floor', 'bend', 'finished', 'time', 'pick', 'thought', 'moment', 'said', 'would', 'consult', 'boyfriend', 'called', 'boyfriend', 'told', 'story', 'boyfriend', 'say', 'ask', 'pick', 'money', 'fast', 'wo', 'even', 'able', 'get', 'pant', 'agrees', 'accepts', 'proposal', 'half', 'hour', 'go', 'boyfriend', 'waiting', 'girlfriend', 'call', 'finally', 'minute', 'boyfriend', 'call', 'asks', 'happened', 'responded', 'bastard', 'used', 'coin', 'nsfw', 'getting', 'screwed', 'thousand', 'time']",76
"The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. 

Paddy answered, ""We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."" 

There was a stony silence for a second or two. 

''Do you know who you are speaking to?''

''No,'' said Paddy. 

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.'' 

''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked paddy

''No,'' roared the colonel. 

''Well thank goodness for that,'' said paddy and hung up the phone.",3tp0b9,6392,Who is calling?,"['phone', 'rang', 'motor', 'pool', 'authoritative', 'voice', 'demanded', 'know', 'many', 'vehicle', 'operational', 'paddy', 'answered', 'got', 'twelve', 'truck', 'ten', 'utility', 'three', 'staff', 'car', 'bentley', 'colonel', 'swank', 'around', 'stony', 'silence', 'second', 'two', 'know', 'speaking', 'said', 'paddy', 'colonel', 'insubordinately', 'referred', 'well', 'know', 'talking', 'asked', 'paddy', 'roared', 'colonel', 'well', 'thank', 'goodness', 'said', 'paddy', 'hung', 'phone']",['calling'],"['phone', 'rang', 'motor', 'pool', 'authoritative', 'voice', 'demanded', 'know', 'many', 'vehicle', 'operational', 'paddy', 'answered', 'got', 'twelve', 'truck', 'ten', 'utility', 'three', 'staff', 'car', 'bentley', 'colonel', 'swank', 'around', 'stony', 'silence', 'second', 'two', 'know', 'speaking', 'said', 'paddy', 'colonel', 'insubordinately', 'referred', 'well', 'know', 'talking', 'asked', 'paddy', 'roared', 'colonel', 'well', 'thank', 'goodness', 'said', 'paddy', 'hung', 'phone', 'calling']",51
"So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, ""come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a blow job"". 

Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly. 

A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much. 

""Something about a job. """,3x4kd4,6392,A hippie sits down at a bar...,"['hippie', 'sits', 'bar', 'try', 'order', 'beer', 'tab', 'bartender', 'want', 'money', 'front', 'hippie', 'guy', 'next', 'offer', 'buy', 'beer', 'start', 'talking', 'drinking', 'drinking', 'talking', 'guy', 'say', 'hippie', 'come', 'bathroom', 'give', 'blow', 'job', 'suddenly', 'hippie', 'jump', 'stool', 'push', 'guy', 'start', 'kicking', 'guy', 'repeatedly', 'couple', 'patron', 'pull', 'hippie', 'back', 'ask', 'guy', 'said', 'piss', 'much', 'something']","['hippie', 'sits', 'bar']","['hippie', 'sits', 'bar', 'try', 'order', 'beer', 'tab', 'bartender', 'want', 'money', 'front', 'hippie', 'guy', 'next', 'offer', 'buy', 'beer', 'start', 'talking', 'drinking', 'drinking', 'talking', 'guy', 'say', 'hippie', 'come', 'bathroom', 'give', 'blow', 'job', 'suddenly', 'hippie', 'jump', 'stool', 'push', 'guy', 'start', 'kicking', 'guy', 'repeatedly', 'couple', 'patron', 'pull', 'hippie', 'back', 'ask', 'guy', 'said', 'piss', 'much', 'something', 'hippie', 'sits', 'bar']",54
They say he fears the wurst,48h1j2,6387,Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?,"['say', 'fear', 'wurst']","['hear', 'pessimist', 'hate', 'sausage']","['say', 'fear', 'wurst', 'hear', 'pessimist', 'hate', 'sausage']",7
...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.,43m9gc,6381,A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...,"['police', 'say', 'impossible', 'tell', 'act', 'committed', 'trump', 'opponent', 'supporter']","['swastika', 'spray', 'painted', 'donald', 'trump', 'star', 'hollywood', 'walk', 'fame']","['police', 'say', 'impossible', 'tell', 'act', 'committed', 'trump', 'opponent', 'supporter', 'swastika', 'spray', 'painted', 'donald', 'trump', 'star', 'hollywood', 'walk', 'fame']",18
"""What's been going on John?""' I asked.

""Fucking kids,"" came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.",3369xu,6356,"I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word ""PEDO"" that had been spray painted on his front window.","['going', 'john', 'asked', 'fucking', 'kid', 'came', 'mumbled', 'reply', 'dirty', 'bastard']","['came', 'front', 'door', 'morning', 'see', 'neighbour', 'frantically', 'trying', 'scrub', 'word', 'pedo', 'spray', 'painted', 'front', 'window']","['going', 'john', 'asked', 'fucking', 'kid', 'came', 'mumbled', 'reply', 'dirty', 'bastard', 'came', 'front', 'door', 'morning', 'see', 'neighbour', 'frantically', 'trying', 'scrub', 'word', 'pedo', 'spray', 'painted', 'front', 'window']",25
"Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said ""Can I have a word?""",3xwv9r,6354,The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers),"['mark', 'hamill', 'pulled', 'jj', 'abrams', 'side', 'said', 'word']","['cast', 'star', 'war', 'vii', 'finished', 'first', 'read', 'spoiler']","['mark', 'hamill', 'pulled', 'jj', 'abrams', 'side', 'said', 'word', 'cast', 'star', 'war', 'vii', 'finished', 'first', 'read', 'spoiler']",16
An incognito window opens.,40qrqq,6344,When one door closes...,"['incognito', 'window', 'open']","['one', 'door', 'close']","['incognito', 'window', 'open', 'one', 'door', 'close']",6
"I asked him and he said, ""I still love vista, baby!""",49ffgj,6338,Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?,"['asked', 'said', 'still', 'love', 'vista', 'baby']","['terminator', 'upgrade', 'window']","['asked', 'said', 'still', 'love', 'vista', 'baby', 'terminator', 'upgrade', 'window']",9
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive. ,34567n,6337,"My girlfriend said to me ""sex is better on holiday""...","['nice', 'postcard', 'receive']","['girlfriend', 'said', 'sex', 'better', 'holiday']","['nice', 'postcard', 'receive', 'girlfriend', 'said', 'sex', 'better', 'holiday']",8
"He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.

The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.

""You were going a little fast there,"" the officer says ""but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself.""

The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied ""Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back.""

The officer paused for a moment and said ""Have a nice day and drive safe.""

Edit: This is my (still married) grandad's favorite joke 

Edit 2: Wow, made it to front page of Reddit, much thanks to all!

Edit 3: RIP inbox",38wusu,6337,A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...,"['think', 'furiously', 'moment', 'floor', 'finally', 'officer', 'still', 'hot', 'tail', 'slows', 'crawl', 'pull', 'roadside', 'officer', 'obviously', 'edge', 'cautiously', 'approach', 'car', 'man', 'roll', 'window', 'place', 'hand', 'easily', 'seen', 'going', 'little', 'fast', 'officer', 'say', 'end', 'shift', 'tonight', 'boy', 'coming', 'beer', 'card', 'exactly', 'one', 'chance', 'explain', 'man', 'sincerity', 'could', 'muster', 'replied', 'sir', 'round', 'year', 'ago', 'wife', 'left', 'state', 'trooper', 'tell', 'ya', 'nag', 'leaving', 'best', 'thing', 'ever', 'happened', 'knew', 'good', 'true', 'saw', 'light', 'rearview', 'could', 'sworn', 'bringing', 'back', 'officer', 'paused', 'moment', 'said', 'nice', 'day', 'drive', 'safe', 'edit', 'still', 'married', 'grandad', 'favorite', 'joke', 'edit', 'wow', 'made', 'front', 'page', 'reddit', 'much', 'thanks', 'edit', 'rip', 'inbox']","['guy', 'see', 'light', 'patrol', 'car', 'mirror']","['think', 'furiously', 'moment', 'floor', 'finally', 'officer', 'still', 'hot', 'tail', 'slows', 'crawl', 'pull', 'roadside', 'officer', 'obviously', 'edge', 'cautiously', 'approach', 'car', 'man', 'roll', 'window', 'place', 'hand', 'easily', 'seen', 'going', 'little', 'fast', 'officer', 'say', 'end', 'shift', 'tonight', 'boy', 'coming', 'beer', 'card', 'exactly', 'one', 'chance', 'explain', 'man', 'sincerity', 'could', 'muster', 'replied', 'sir', 'round', 'year', 'ago', 'wife', 'left', 'state', 'trooper', 'tell', 'ya', 'nag', 'leaving', 'best', 'thing', 'ever', 'happened', 'knew', 'good', 'true', 'saw', 'light', 'rearview', 'could', 'sworn', 'bringing', 'back', 'officer', 'paused', 'moment', 'said', 'nice', 'day', 'drive', 'safe', 'edit', 'still', 'married', 'grandad', 'favorite', 'joke', 'edit', 'wow', 'made', 'front', 'page', 'reddit', 'much', 'thanks', 'edit', 'rip', 'inbox', 'guy', 'see', 'light', 'patrol', 'car', 'mirror']",104
"Because elephants never forget.

EDIT: To those saying this was a repost, I sincerely apologize. I honestly had never seen this joke ever and thought it was funny enough to share with the reddit community. I'm glad that a few of you got a good chuckle out of it as I did.",36b0mb,6334,Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget...,"['elephant', 'never', 'forget', 'edit', 'saying', 'repost', 'sincerely', 'apologize', 'honestly', 'never', 'seen', 'joke', 'ever', 'thought', 'funny', 'enough', 'share', 'reddit', 'community', 'glad', 'got', 'good', 'chuckle']","['call', 'girl', 'beautiful', 'time', 'wo', 'notice', 'call', 'girl', 'fat', 'never', 'forget']","['elephant', 'never', 'forget', 'edit', 'saying', 'repost', 'sincerely', 'apologize', 'honestly', 'never', 'seen', 'joke', 'ever', 'thought', 'funny', 'enough', 'share', 'reddit', 'community', 'glad', 'got', 'good', 'chuckle', 'call', 'girl', 'beautiful', 'time', 'wo', 'notice', 'call', 'girl', 'fat', 'never', 'forget']",34
"from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, ""Sally, what did you do at recess?"" ""I played in the sand box."" ""Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."" So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. ""Billy, what did you do at recess?"" ""I played in the sand box with Sally."" ""Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."" So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. ""Mohammed, what did you do at recess?"" ""Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!"" ""Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie.""",4uwrvp,6325,A teacher calls her first grade class,"['recess', 'go', 'little', 'sally', 'asked', 'sally', 'recess', 'played', 'sand', 'box', 'good', 'spell', 'word', 'black', 'board', 'give', 'fresh', 'baked', 'cookie', 'spell', 'word', 'right', 'get', 'cookie', 'come', 'little', 'billy', 'billy', 'recess', 'played', 'sand', 'box', 'sally', 'good', 'spell', 'word', 'black', 'board', 'give', 'fresh', 'baked', 'cookie', 'spell', 'right', 'get', 'cookie', 'come', 'little', 'mohammed', 'recess', 'mohammed', 'recess', 'billy', 'sally', 'threw', 'rock', 'hmm', 'sound', 'like', 'blatant', 'racial', 'discrimination', 'spell', 'racial', 'discrimination', 'give', 'fresh', 'baked', 'cookie']","['teacher', 'call', 'first', 'grade', 'class']","['recess', 'go', 'little', 'sally', 'asked', 'sally', 'recess', 'played', 'sand', 'box', 'good', 'spell', 'word', 'black', 'board', 'give', 'fresh', 'baked', 'cookie', 'spell', 'word', 'right', 'get', 'cookie', 'come', 'little', 'billy', 'billy', 'recess', 'played', 'sand', 'box', 'sally', 'good', 'spell', 'word', 'black', 'board', 'give', 'fresh', 'baked', 'cookie', 'spell', 'right', 'get', 'cookie', 'come', 'little', 'mohammed', 'recess', 'mohammed', 'recess', 'billy', 'sally', 'threw', 'rock', 'hmm', 'sound', 'like', 'blatant', 'racial', 'discrimination', 'spell', 'racial', 'discrimination', 'give', 'fresh', 'baked', 'cookie', 'teacher', 'call', 'first', 'grade', 'class']",74
Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite,40bljb,6322,Why is the British weather like Islam?,"['either', 'sunni']","['british', 'weather', 'like', 'islam']","['either', 'sunni', 'british', 'weather', 'like', 'islam']",6
"Apparently,
""Heating your dinner""
wasn't a good answer.",40tb53,6319,"My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing.","['apparently', 'heating', 'dinner', 'good', 'answer']","['girl', 'caught', 'blowing', 'dick', 'air', 'dryer', 'asked']","['apparently', 'heating', 'dinner', 'good', 'answer', 'girl', 'caught', 'blowing', 'dick', 'air', 'dryer', 'asked']",12
"He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.
She looks at him and shakes her head saying ""there you go again trying to put words in my mouth"".",4oc1vx,6318,"A man gets ""I love you"" tattooed on his penis.","['go', 'home', 'tear', 'pant', 'eager', 'show', 'girlfriend', 'look', 'shake', 'head', 'saying', 'go', 'trying', 'put', 'word', 'mouth']","['man', 'get', 'love', 'tattooed', 'penis']","['go', 'home', 'tear', 'pant', 'eager', 'show', 'girlfriend', 'look', 'shake', 'head', 'saying', 'go', 'trying', 'put', 'word', 'mouth', 'man', 'get', 'love', 'tattooed', 'penis']",21
"Waiter: ""And to drink, sir?""

Dad: ""I'll have a blind coke.""

Waiter: ""I'm sorry?""

Dad: ""You know, a blind coke. No ice.""",37wilr,6314,"In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters","['waiter', 'drink', 'sir', 'dad', 'blind', 'coke', 'waiter', 'sorry', 'dad', 'know', 'blind', 'coke', 'ice']","['honor', 'passing', 'dad', 'favorite', 'joke', 'tell', 'waiter']","['waiter', 'drink', 'sir', 'dad', 'blind', 'coke', 'waiter', 'sorry', 'dad', 'know', 'blind', 'coke', 'ice', 'honor', 'passing', 'dad', 'favorite', 'joke', 'tell', 'waiter']",20
"She said to me ""Would you mind taking my blouse off?""
I replied, ""Certainly,"" and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, ""Would you take my skirt off too?"" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
 Then she looked at me and said, ""If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired""",2r39bk,6307,"My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.","['said', 'would', 'mind', 'taking', 'blouse', 'replied', 'certainly', 'took', 'turned', 'around', 'said', 'would', 'take', 'skirt', 'removed', 'well', 'finally', 'asked', 'take', 'underwear', 'looked', 'said', 'ever', 'catch', 'wearing', 'clothes', 'fired']","['bos', 'fit', 'woman', 'caught', 'shower', 'room', 'work']","['said', 'would', 'mind', 'taking', 'blouse', 'replied', 'certainly', 'took', 'turned', 'around', 'said', 'would', 'take', 'skirt', 'removed', 'well', 'finally', 'asked', 'take', 'underwear', 'looked', 'said', 'ever', 'catch', 'wearing', 'clothes', 'fired', 'bos', 'fit', 'woman', 'caught', 'shower', 'room', 'work']",34
"Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything ""naughty."" The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say ""Oh my god! What should we do about this?!
The father replied ""We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure.""",3swcf6,6307,[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.,"['bit', 'nosy', 'search', 'around', 'room', 'see', 'son', 'hiding', 'anything', 'naughty', 'father', 'check', 'bed', 'shock', 'see', 'ton', 'bdsm', 'bondage', 'tape', 'dvd', 'magazine', 'mother', 'could', 'breathe', 'took', 'say', 'oh', 'god', 'father', 'replied', 'spank', 'sure']","['nsfw', 'mother', 'father', 'snooping', 'around', 'son', 'bedroom']","['bit', 'nosy', 'search', 'around', 'room', 'see', 'son', 'hiding', 'anything', 'naughty', 'father', 'check', 'bed', 'shock', 'see', 'ton', 'bdsm', 'bondage', 'tape', 'dvd', 'magazine', 'mother', 'could', 'breathe', 'took', 'say', 'oh', 'god', 'father', 'replied', 'spank', 'sure', 'nsfw', 'mother', 'father', 'snooping', 'around', 'son', 'bedroom']",39
Christian Bale,43zkg0,6284,What do you call batman when he skips church?,"['christian', 'bale']","['call', 'batman', 'skip', 'church']","['christian', 'bale', 'call', 'batman', 'skip', 'church']",6
"A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, ""Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."" He listened a while longer, and said, ""There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling."" So the magistrate kept listening; ""There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."" Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, ""My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.""",3c6hob,6279,"When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.","['couple', 'day', 'later', 'town', 'drunk', 'walking', 'cemetery', 'heard', 'strange', 'noise', 'coming', 'area', 'beethoven', 'buried', 'terrified', 'drunk', 'ran', 'got', 'priest', 'come', 'listen', 'priest', 'bent', 'close', 'grave', 'heard', 'faint', 'unrecognizable', 'music', 'coming', 'grave', 'frightened', 'priest', 'ran', 'got', 'town', 'magistrate', 'magistrate', 'arrived', 'bent', 'ear', 'grave', 'listened', 'moment', 'said', 'ah', 'yes', 'beethoven', 'ninth', 'symphony', 'played', 'backwards', 'listened', 'longer', 'said', 'eighth', 'symphony', 'backwards', 'puzzling', 'magistrate', 'kept', 'listening', 'seventh', 'sixth', 'fifth', 'suddenly', 'realization', 'happening', 'dawned', 'magistrate', 'stood', 'announced', 'crowd', 'gathered', 'cemetery', 'fellow', 'citizen', 'nothing', 'worry', 'beethoven', 'decomposing']","['beethoven', 'passed', 'away', 'buried', 'churchyard']","['couple', 'day', 'later', 'town', 'drunk', 'walking', 'cemetery', 'heard', 'strange', 'noise', 'coming', 'area', 'beethoven', 'buried', 'terrified', 'drunk', 'ran', 'got', 'priest', 'come', 'listen', 'priest', 'bent', 'close', 'grave', 'heard', 'faint', 'unrecognizable', 'music', 'coming', 'grave', 'frightened', 'priest', 'ran', 'got', 'town', 'magistrate', 'magistrate', 'arrived', 'bent', 'ear', 'grave', 'listened', 'moment', 'said', 'ah', 'yes', 'beethoven', 'ninth', 'symphony', 'played', 'backwards', 'listened', 'longer', 'said', 'eighth', 'symphony', 'backwards', 'puzzling', 'magistrate', 'kept', 'listening', 'seventh', 'sixth', 'fifth', 'suddenly', 'realization', 'happening', 'dawned', 'magistrate', 'stood', 'announced', 'crowd', 'gathered', 'cemetery', 'fellow', 'citizen', 'nothing', 'worry', 'beethoven', 'decomposing', 'beethoven', 'passed', 'away', 'buried', 'churchyard']",86
"...and his wife is livid.

“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”

""No,"" slurs the mathematician...

 “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”


",2r7tr8,6275,A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.,"['wife', 'livid', 'swore', 'home', 'slur', 'mathematician', 'said', 'home', 'quarter']","['mathematician', 'stumble', 'home', 'drunk']","['wife', 'livid', 'swore', 'home', 'slur', 'mathematician', 'said', 'home', 'quarter', 'mathematician', 'stumble', 'home', 'drunk']",13
" At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

He took out a business card, wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'

Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'",4y5wgo,6272,A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.,"['one', 'house', 'seemed', 'obvious', 'someone', 'home', 'answer', 'came', 'repeated', 'knock', 'door', 'took', 'business', 'card', 'wrote', 'back', 'stuck', 'door', 'offering', 'processed', 'following', 'sunday', 'found', 'card', 'returned', 'added', 'cryptic', 'message', 'reaching', 'bible', 'check', 'citation', 'broke', 'gale', 'laughter', 'revelation', 'begin', 'stand', 'door', 'knock', 'genesis', 'read', 'heard', 'voice', 'garden', 'afraid', 'naked']","['new', 'pastor', 'visiting', 'home', 'parishioner']","['one', 'house', 'seemed', 'obvious', 'someone', 'home', 'answer', 'came', 'repeated', 'knock', 'door', 'took', 'business', 'card', 'wrote', 'back', 'stuck', 'door', 'offering', 'processed', 'following', 'sunday', 'found', 'card', 'returned', 'added', 'cryptic', 'message', 'reaching', 'bible', 'check', 'citation', 'broke', 'gale', 'laughter', 'revelation', 'begin', 'stand', 'door', 'knock', 'genesis', 'read', 'heard', 'voice', 'garden', 'afraid', 'naked', 'new', 'pastor', 'visiting', 'home', 'parishioner']",52
"You will be mist.

EDIT: AWESOME my gold cherry is gone!",2xzau2,6255,RIP boiling water,"['mist', 'edit', 'awesome', 'gold', 'cherry', 'gone']","['rip', 'boiling', 'water']","['mist', 'edit', 'awesome', 'gold', 'cherry', 'gone', 'rip', 'boiling', 'water']",9
Because they're both cauldron,4izm9o,6253,Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?,['cauldron'],"['ca', 'harry', 'potter', 'tell', 'difference', 'cooking', 'pot', 'best', 'friend']","['cauldron', 'ca', 'harry', 'potter', 'tell', 'difference', 'cooking', 'pot', 'best', 'friend']",10
"he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him. 
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: ""sorry, we don't serve drug users in here""
bear: ""but I don't do drugs""
bartender: ""what about that barbitchyouate""
",32gbj6,6237,A bear goes into a bar,"['sits', 'immediately', 'maul', 'death', 'devours', 'woman', 'stool', 'next', 'calmly', 'order', 'beer', 'bartender', 'sorry', 'serve', 'drug', 'user', 'bear', 'drug', 'bartender', 'barbitchyouate']","['bear', 'go', 'bar']","['sits', 'immediately', 'maul', 'death', 'devours', 'woman', 'stool', 'next', 'calmly', 'order', 'beer', 'bartender', 'sorry', 'serve', 'drug', 'user', 'bear', 'drug', 'bartender', 'barbitchyouate', 'bear', 'go', 'bar']",23
"Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85
year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to
sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents
for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond
good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is
back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready
for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only
good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was
here already?'",2wgnp5,6226,"Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old","['since', 'new', 'husband', 'old', 'jenny', 'decides', 'wedding', 'roger', 'separate', 'bedroom', 'concerned', 'new', 'aged', 'husband', 'may', 'spend', 'entire', 'night', 'together', 'wedding', 'festivity', 'jenny', 'prepares', 'bed', 'expected', 'knock', 'door', 'sure', 'enough', 'knock', 'come', 'door', 'open', 'roger', 'year', 'old', 'groom', 'ready', 'action', 'unite', 'one', 'go', 'well', 'roger', 'take', 'leave', 'bride', 'prepares', 'go', 'sleep', 'minute', 'jenny', 'hears', 'another', 'knock', 'bedroom', 'door', 'roger', 'ready', 'somewhat', 'surprised', 'jenny', 'consent', 'coupling', 'newlywed', 'done', 'roger', 'kiss', 'bride', 'bid', 'fond', 'good', 'night', 'leaf', 'set', 'go', 'sleep', 'aha', 'guessed', 'roger', 'back', 'rapping', 'door', 'fresh', 'ready', 'enjoy', 'roger', 'get', 'set', 'leave', 'young', 'bride', 'say', 'thoroughly', 'impressed', 'age', 'perform', 'well', 'often', 'guy', 'le', 'third', 'age', 'good', 'truly', 'great', 'lover', 'roger', 'roger', 'somewhat', 'embarrassed', 'turn', 'jenny', 'say', 'mean', 'already']","['roger', 'married', 'jenny', 'lovely', 'year', 'old']","['since', 'new', 'husband', 'old', 'jenny', 'decides', 'wedding', 'roger', 'separate', 'bedroom', 'concerned', 'new', 'aged', 'husband', 'may', 'spend', 'entire', 'night', 'together', 'wedding', 'festivity', 'jenny', 'prepares', 'bed', 'expected', 'knock', 'door', 'sure', 'enough', 'knock', 'come', 'door', 'open', 'roger', 'year', 'old', 'groom', 'ready', 'action', 'unite', 'one', 'go', 'well', 'roger', 'take', 'leave', 'bride', 'prepares', 'go', 'sleep', 'minute', 'jenny', 'hears', 'another', 'knock', 'bedroom', 'door', 'roger', 'ready', 'somewhat', 'surprised', 'jenny', 'consent', 'coupling', 'newlywed', 'done', 'roger', 'kiss', 'bride', 'bid', 'fond', 'good', 'night', 'leaf', 'set', 'go', 'sleep', 'aha', 'guessed', 'roger', 'back', 'rapping', 'door', 'fresh', 'ready', 'enjoy', 'roger', 'get', 'set', 'leave', 'young', 'bride', 'say', 'thoroughly', 'impressed', 'age', 'perform', 'well', 'often', 'guy', 'le', 'third', 'age', 'good', 'truly', 'great', 'lover', 'roger', 'roger', 'somewhat', 'embarrassed', 'turn', 'jenny', 'say', 'mean', 'already', 'roger', 'married', 'jenny', 'lovely', 'year', 'old']",122
Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad? ,4z64qc,6220,I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8,"['month', 'pregnant', 'starting', 'panic', 'little', 'think', 'old', 'dad']",['girlfriend'],"['month', 'pregnant', 'starting', 'panic', 'little', 'think', 'old', 'dad', 'girlfriend']",9
"On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real bad.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'

'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the
other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said.
'My God. That was even tighter.'

'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'",3gl5nh,6211,Royal Wedding,"['day', 'royal', 'wedding', 'sophie', 'getting', 'dressed', 'surrounded', 'family', 'suddenly', 'realised', 'forgotten', 'get', 'shoe', 'panic', 'sister', 'remembered', 'pair', 'white', 'shoe', 'wedding', 'lent', 'sophie', 'day', 'unfortunately', 'bit', 'small', 'time', 'festivity', 'sophie', 'foot', 'hurting', 'real', 'bad', 'edward', 'withdrew', 'room', 'thing', 'could', 'think', 'getting', 'shoe', 'rest', 'family', 'crowded', 'around', 'door', 'bedroom', 'heard', 'roughly', 'expected', 'grunt', 'straining', 'noise', 'occasional', 'muffled', 'scream', 'eventually', 'heard', 'edward', 'say', 'tight', 'whispered', 'queen', 'told', 'virgin', 'surprise', 'heard', 'edward', 'say', 'one', 'followed', 'grunting', 'straining', 'last', 'edward', 'said', 'god', 'even', 'tighter', 'boy', 'said', 'duke', 'sailor', 'always', 'sailor']","['royal', 'wedding']","['day', 'royal', 'wedding', 'sophie', 'getting', 'dressed', 'surrounded', 'family', 'suddenly', 'realised', 'forgotten', 'get', 'shoe', 'panic', 'sister', 'remembered', 'pair', 'white', 'shoe', 'wedding', 'lent', 'sophie', 'day', 'unfortunately', 'bit', 'small', 'time', 'festivity', 'sophie', 'foot', 'hurting', 'real', 'bad', 'edward', 'withdrew', 'room', 'thing', 'could', 'think', 'getting', 'shoe', 'rest', 'family', 'crowded', 'around', 'door', 'bedroom', 'heard', 'roughly', 'expected', 'grunt', 'straining', 'noise', 'occasional', 'muffled', 'scream', 'eventually', 'heard', 'edward', 'say', 'tight', 'whispered', 'queen', 'told', 'virgin', 'surprise', 'heard', 'edward', 'say', 'one', 'followed', 'grunting', 'straining', 'last', 'edward', 'said', 'god', 'even', 'tighter', 'boy', 'said', 'duke', 'sailor', 'always', 'sailor', 'royal', 'wedding']",87
"Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.",3vm6cv,6195,I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back,"['apparently', 'insensitive', 'thing', 'say', 'cancer', 'patient']","['suggested', 'wife', 'look', 'sexier', 'hair', 'back']","['apparently', 'insensitive', 'thing', 'say', 'cancer', 'patient', 'suggested', 'wife', 'look', 'sexier', 'hair', 'back']",12
M'genta ,2r62fr,6193,"Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?",[],"['whats', 'fedora', 'clad', 'neck', 'bearded', 'gentleman', 'favorite', 'color']","['whats', 'fedora', 'clad', 'neck', 'bearded', 'gentleman', 'favorite', 'color']",8
"A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said ""Olympic Condoms"". He bought it, and told his wife about it.



"" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?""



"" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.""



"" - And what color are you going to wear tonight?""



"" - Gold, obviously!""



"" - Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change.""",3vb2he,6192,Olympic Condoms. (NSFW),"['man', 'shopping', 'nearby', 'supermarket', 'noticed', 'package', 'said', 'olympic', 'condom', 'bought', 'told', 'wife', 'olympic', 'condom', 'special', 'color', 'gold', 'silver', 'bronze', 'color', 'going', 'wear', 'tonight', 'gold', 'obviously', 'silver', 'great', 'came', 'second', 'change']","['olympic', 'condom', 'nsfw']","['man', 'shopping', 'nearby', 'supermarket', 'noticed', 'package', 'said', 'olympic', 'condom', 'bought', 'told', 'wife', 'olympic', 'condom', 'special', 'color', 'gold', 'silver', 'bronze', 'color', 'going', 'wear', 'tonight', 'gold', 'obviously', 'silver', 'great', 'came', 'second', 'change', 'olympic', 'condom', 'nsfw']",33
Now you can legally blow the cartridges.,3syh8y,6175,The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today,"['legally', 'blow', 'cartridge']","['nintendo', 'turned', 'today']","['legally', 'blow', 'cartridge', 'nintendo', 'turned', 'today']",6
I don't know I just fly the drone.,4g22rh,6173,Whats the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage?,"['know', 'fly', 'drone']","['whats', 'difference', 'terrorist', 'training', 'camp', 'orphanage']","['know', 'fly', 'drone', 'whats', 'difference', 'terrorist', 'training', 'camp', 'orphanage']",9
"The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer.

Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says:

-- What, have you never seen a naked woman before?

-- That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.",4f5177,6164,So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer...,"['bartender', 'stare', 'body', 'head', 'toe', 'serf', 'beer', 'drink', 'asks', 'another', 'beer', 'bartender', 'stare', 'longer', 'serf', 'second', 'beer', 'woman', 'drink', 'asks', 'third', 'beer', 'bartender', 'start', 'look', 'amused', 'expression', 'woman', 'say', 'never', 'seen', 'naked', 'woman', 'miss', 'wondering', 'keeping', 'money', 'pay', 'beer']","['naked', 'woman', 'walk', 'bar', 'asks', 'beer']","['bartender', 'stare', 'body', 'head', 'toe', 'serf', 'beer', 'drink', 'asks', 'another', 'beer', 'bartender', 'stare', 'longer', 'serf', 'second', 'beer', 'woman', 'drink', 'asks', 'third', 'beer', 'bartender', 'start', 'look', 'amused', 'expression', 'woman', 'say', 'never', 'seen', 'naked', 'woman', 'miss', 'wondering', 'keeping', 'money', 'pay', 'beer', 'naked', 'woman', 'walk', 'bar', 'asks', 'beer']",45
"A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger yells, ""I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't 
afford to die."" he took the first parachute and jumped.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs screaming, ""I'm the smartest man in the world & the next President of America. He grabbed the second parachute and jumped.
The 3rd passenger, Hillary Clinton, says to Bernie Sanders ""Take the last parachute.""
Bernie says, ""It's ok Hillary, there is a parachute for both of us. The 
world's smartest man just took my backpack.""",3lb4ju,6155,"Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to crash.","['plane', 'jeb', 'bush', 'donald', 'trump', 'hillary', 'clinton', 'bernie', 'sander', 'crash', 'parachute', 'first', 'passenger', 'yell', 'jeb', 'bush', 'let', 'big', 'dog', 'eat', 'ca', 'afford', 'die', 'took', 'first', 'parachute', 'jumped', 'passenger', 'donald', 'trump', 'run', 'screaming', 'smartest', 'man', 'world', 'next', 'president', 'america', 'grabbed', 'second', 'parachute', 'jumped', 'passenger', 'hillary', 'clinton', 'say', 'bernie', 'sander', 'take', 'last', 'parachute', 'bernie', 'say', 'ok', 'hillary', 'parachute', 'u', 'world', 'smartest', 'man', 'took', 'backpack']","['bush', 'trump', 'sander', 'clinton', 'plane', 'crash']","['plane', 'jeb', 'bush', 'donald', 'trump', 'hillary', 'clinton', 'bernie', 'sander', 'crash', 'parachute', 'first', 'passenger', 'yell', 'jeb', 'bush', 'let', 'big', 'dog', 'eat', 'ca', 'afford', 'die', 'took', 'first', 'parachute', 'jumped', 'passenger', 'donald', 'trump', 'run', 'screaming', 'smartest', 'man', 'world', 'next', 'president', 'america', 'grabbed', 'second', 'parachute', 'jumped', 'passenger', 'hillary', 'clinton', 'say', 'bernie', 'sander', 'take', 'last', 'parachute', 'bernie', 'say', 'ok', 'hillary', 'parachute', 'u', 'world', 'smartest', 'man', 'took', 'backpack', 'bush', 'trump', 'sander', 'clinton', 'plane', 'crash']",68
 but only for like 20 seconds...,4v5v17,6153,"I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,","['like', 'second']","['goldfish', 'could', 'carpet']","['like', 'second', 'goldfish', 'could', 'carpet']",5
"A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read: 

HUSBAND WANTED! 
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), 
MUST NOT BEAT ME, 
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, 
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! 
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. 

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, ""You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!"" The old man smiled, ""Therefore I cannot run around on you!"" 

She snorted. ""You don't have any hands either!"" Again the old man smiled, ""Nor can I beat you!"" 

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. ""Are you still good in bed?"" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, ""I rang the doorbell, didn't I?""",47dyrp,6152,Didn't I???,"['lonely', 'woman', 'aged', 'decided', 'time', 'get', 'married', 'put', 'ad', 'local', 'paper', 'read', 'husband', 'wanted', 'must', 'age', 'group', 'must', 'beat', 'must', 'run', 'around', 'must', 'still', 'good', 'bed', 'applicant', 'please', 'apply', 'person', 'second', 'day', 'heard', 'doorbell', 'much', 'dismay', 'opened', 'door', 'see', 'gentleman', 'arm', 'leg', 'sitting', 'wheelchair', 'old', 'woman', 'said', 'really', 'asking', 'consider', 'look', 'leg', 'old', 'man', 'smiled', 'therefore', 'run', 'around', 'snorted', 'hand', 'either', 'old', 'man', 'smiled', 'beat', 'raised', 'eyebrow', 'gazed', 'intently', 'still', 'good', 'bed', 'old', 'gentleman', 'leaned', 'back', 'beamed', 'big', 'broad', 'smile', 'said', 'rang', 'doorbell']",[],"['lonely', 'woman', 'aged', 'decided', 'time', 'get', 'married', 'put', 'ad', 'local', 'paper', 'read', 'husband', 'wanted', 'must', 'age', 'group', 'must', 'beat', 'must', 'run', 'around', 'must', 'still', 'good', 'bed', 'applicant', 'please', 'apply', 'person', 'second', 'day', 'heard', 'doorbell', 'much', 'dismay', 'opened', 'door', 'see', 'gentleman', 'arm', 'leg', 'sitting', 'wheelchair', 'old', 'woman', 'said', 'really', 'asking', 'consider', 'look', 'leg', 'old', 'man', 'smiled', 'therefore', 'run', 'around', 'snorted', 'hand', 'either', 'old', 'man', 'smiled', 'beat', 'raised', 'eyebrow', 'gazed', 'intently', 'still', 'good', 'bed', 'old', 'gentleman', 'leaned', 'back', 'beamed', 'big', 'broad', 'smile', 'said', 'rang', 'doorbell']",83
"One man in the crowd then yelled ""Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?""

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)",3p0hpk,6148,So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...,"['one', 'man', 'crowd', 'yelled', 'yes', 'catholic', 'god', 'believe', 'protestant', 'one', 'wow', 'exploded', 'front', 'wow', 'got', 'ta', 'say', 'like', 'current', 'top', 'comment', 'version']","['irish', 'friend', 'decided', 'tell', 'community', 'atheist']","['one', 'man', 'crowd', 'yelled', 'yes', 'catholic', 'god', 'believe', 'protestant', 'one', 'wow', 'exploded', 'front', 'wow', 'got', 'ta', 'say', 'like', 'current', 'top', 'comment', 'version', 'irish', 'friend', 'decided', 'tell', 'community', 'atheist']",28
"Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics

Interviewer: Could you give me an example? 

Me: Yes I could",5044l4,6133,Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?,"['answering', 'semantics', 'question', 'ignoring', 'pragmatic', 'interviewer', 'could', 'give', 'example', 'yes', 'could']","['interviewer', 'greatest', 'weakness']","['answering', 'semantics', 'question', 'ignoring', 'pragmatic', 'interviewer', 'could', 'give', 'example', 'yes', 'could', 'interviewer', 'greatest', 'weakness']",14
"A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, ""Wow, nice legs!""
She is flattered and replies, ""You really think so?""
The man says, ""Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.""",3524gy,6129,Nice Legs..,"['man', 'go', 'bar', 'see', 'girl', 'dancing', 'table', 'walk', 'say', 'wow', 'nice', 'leg', 'flattered', 'reply', 'really', 'think', 'man', 'say', 'oh', 'definitely', 'table', 'would', 'collapsed']","['nice', 'leg']","['man', 'go', 'bar', 'see', 'girl', 'dancing', 'table', 'walk', 'say', 'wow', 'nice', 'leg', 'flattered', 'reply', 'really', 'think', 'man', 'say', 'oh', 'definitely', 'table', 'would', 'collapsed', 'nice', 'leg']",25
...except at a funeral,3b3yfa,6112,"""I'm sorry"" and ""I apologise"" usually mean the same thing","['except', 'funeral']","['sorry', 'apologise', 'usually', 'mean', 'thing']","['except', 'funeral', 'sorry', 'apologise', 'usually', 'mean', 'thing']",7
"Edit: Wow, I did not expect this to get so many upvotes!",3jn1jc,6098,How do you spot an attention whore on reddit?,"['edit', 'wow', 'expect', 'get', 'many', 'upvotes']","['spot', 'attention', 'whore', 'reddit']","['edit', 'wow', 'expect', 'get', 'many', 'upvotes', 'spot', 'attention', 'whore', 'reddit']",10
"I laughed and replied, ""Don't be silly, he gave us women.""",5t9sim,6091,"My girlfriend said to me the other day, ""Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?""","['laughed', 'replied', 'silly', 'gave', 'u', 'woman']","['girlfriend', 'said', 'day', 'god', 'give', 'woman', 'period', 'cramp', 'pain', 'men', 'nothing']","['laughed', 'replied', 'silly', 'gave', 'u', 'woman', 'girlfriend', 'said', 'day', 'god', 'give', 'woman', 'period', 'cramp', 'pain', 'men', 'nothing']",17
"He looked at me wide eyed and yelled ""WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?""

Edit: FrontPage thanks and all. But for those comments saying go knuckle deep, I'm a guy.",2kkquh,6091,Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating,"['looked', 'wide', 'eyed', 'yelled', 'hell', 'masturbating', 'edit', 'frontpage', 'thanks', 'comment', 'saying', 'go', 'knuckle', 'deep', 'guy']","['tifu', 'walking', 'roommate', 'masturbating']","['looked', 'wide', 'eyed', 'yelled', 'hell', 'masturbating', 'edit', 'frontpage', 'thanks', 'comment', 'saying', 'go', 'knuckle', 'deep', 'guy', 'tifu', 'walking', 'roommate', 'masturbating']",19
Brothel Sprouts.,3uetgk,6090,What do you call children who are born into a Whorehouse?,"['brothel', 'sprout']","['call', 'child', 'born', 'whorehouse']","['brothel', 'sprout', 'call', 'child', 'born', 'whorehouse']",6
"She's going to be really mad when she finds out.


EDIT: Will people stop asking me to post the source or a picture, this is a joke that it is why it is here instead of in mildlyinterestng.  
The truth is my girlfriend tried to be a porn star but the producer said to her ""come back in 5 or 6 years when you turn 16""",2p97g5,6071,My girlfriend is a porn star!,"['going', 'really', 'mad', 'find', 'edit', 'people', 'stop', 'asking', 'post', 'source', 'picture', 'joke', 'instead', 'mildlyinterestng', 'truth', 'girlfriend', 'tried', 'porn', 'star', 'producer', 'said', 'come', 'back', 'year', 'turn']","['girlfriend', 'porn', 'star']","['going', 'really', 'mad', 'find', 'edit', 'people', 'stop', 'asking', 'post', 'source', 'picture', 'joke', 'instead', 'mildlyinterestng', 'truth', 'girlfriend', 'tried', 'porn', 'star', 'producer', 'said', 'come', 'back', 'year', 'turn', 'girlfriend', 'porn', 'star']",28
"Son: Dad, what does gay mean?

Dad: Happy son. It means happy.

Son: Then are YOU gay DAD?

Dad: No son...... i have a wife...




EDIT: Damn this blew up. Thanks guys!",3g4fs2,6061,His son asked him what gay meant.,"['son', 'dad', 'gay', 'mean', 'dad', 'happy', 'son', 'mean', 'happy', 'son', 'gay', 'dad', 'dad', 'son', 'wife', 'edit', 'damn', 'blew', 'thanks', 'guy']","['son', 'asked', 'gay', 'meant']","['son', 'dad', 'gay', 'mean', 'dad', 'happy', 'son', 'mean', 'happy', 'son', 'gay', 'dad', 'dad', 'son', 'wife', 'edit', 'damn', 'blew', 'thanks', 'guy', 'son', 'asked', 'gay', 'meant']",24
"it's like I've never seen herbivore.


edit: I think I summoned the pun cult.",3bvdjc,6060,My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...,"['like', 'never', 'seen', 'herbivore', 'edit', 'think', 'summoned', 'pun', 'cult']","['friend', 'really', 'changed', 'became', 'vegetarian']","['like', 'never', 'seen', 'herbivore', 'edit', 'think', 'summoned', 'pun', 'cult', 'friend', 'really', 'changed', 'became', 'vegetarian']",14
"The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The 
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, ""I'll serve 
You, but don't start anything.""

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and 
says: ""A beer please, and one for the road.""

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ""Does 
this taste funny to you?""

7. ""Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"" 
""That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."" ""Is it common?"" Well, ""It's Not 
Unusual.""

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says 
to Dolly, ""I was artificially inseminated this morning."" ""I don't believe 
you,"" says Dolly. ""It's true, no bull!"" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were 
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I 
couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He 
shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"" The doctor replied, ""I know 
you can't I've cut off your arms!""

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other 
and says Dam!""

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire 
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't 
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were 
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about 
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ""But 
why,"" they asked, as they moved off. ""Because,"" he said, ""I can't stand 
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.""

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them 
goes to a family in Egypt and is named ""Ahmal."" The other goes to a family in 
Spain ; they name him ""Juan."" Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself 
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband 
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 
""They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.""

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, 
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate 
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from 
bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A 
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different 
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make 
them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!",2df863,6057,Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!,"['worst', 'joke', 'ever', 'two', 'antenna', 'met', 'roof', 'fell', 'love', 'got', 'married', 'ceremony', 'much', 'reception', 'excellent', 'jumper', 'cable', 'walk', 'bar', 'bartender', 'say', 'serve', 'start', 'anything', 'two', 'peanut', 'walk', 'bar', 'one', 'salted', 'dyslexic', 'man', 'walk', 'bra', 'man', 'walk', 'bar', 'slab', 'asphalt', 'arm', 'say', 'beer', 'please', 'one', 'road', 'two', 'cannibal', 'eating', 'clown', 'one', 'say', 'taste', 'funny', 'doc', 'ca', 'stop', 'singing', 'green', 'green', 'grass', 'home', 'sound', 'like', 'tom', 'jones', 'syndrome', 'common', 'well', 'unusual', 'two', 'cow', 'standing', 'next', 'field', 'daisy', 'say', 'dolly', 'artificially', 'inseminated', 'morning', 'believe', 'say', 'dolly', 'true', 'bull', 'exclaims', 'daisy', 'invisible', 'man', 'marries', 'invisible', 'woman', 'kid', 'nothing', 'look', 'either', 'deja', 'moo', 'feeling', 'heard', 'bull', 'went', 'buy', 'camouflage', 'trouser', 'day', 'find', 'man', 'woke', 'hospital', 'serious', 'accident', 'shouted', 'doctor', 'doctor', 'ca', 'feel', 'leg', 'doctor', 'replied', 'know', 'ca', 'cut', 'arm', 'went', 'seafood', 'disco', 'last', 'week', 'pulled', 'mussel', 'call', 'fish', 'eye', 'fsh', 'two', 'fish', 'swim', 'concrete', 'wall', 'one', 'turn', 'say', 'dam', 'two', 'eskimo', 'sitting', 'kayak', 'chilly', 'lit', 'fire', 'craft', 'unsurprisingly', 'sank', 'proving', 'ca', 'kayak', 'heat', 'group', 'chess', 'enthusiast', 'checked', 'hotel', 'standing', 'lobby', 'discussing', 'recent', 'tournament', 'victory', 'hour', 'manager', 'came', 'office', 'asked', 'disperse', 'asked', 'moved', 'said', 'ca', 'stand', 'boasting', 'open', 'foyer', 'woman', 'twin', 'give', 'adoption', 'one', 'go', 'family', 'egypt', 'named', 'ahmal', 'go', 'family', 'spain', 'name', 'juan', 'year', 'later', 'juan', 'sends', 'picture', 'birth', 'mother', 'upon', 'receiving', 'picture', 'tell', 'husband', 'wish', 'also', 'picture', 'ahmal', 'husband', 'responds', 'twin', 'seen', 'juan', 'seen', 'ahmal', 'mahatma', 'gandhi', 'know', 'walked', 'barefoot', 'time', 'produced', 'impressive', 'set', 'callus', 'foot', 'also', 'ate', 'little', 'made', 'rather', 'frail', 'odd', 'diet', 'suffered', 'bad', 'breath', 'made', 'oh', 'man', 'bad', 'good', 'super', 'calloused', 'fragile', 'mystic', 'hexed', 'halitosis', 'finally', 'person', 'sent', 'twenty', 'different', 'pun', 'friend', 'hope', 'least', 'ten', 'pun', 'would', 'make', 'laugh', 'pun', 'ten']","['top', 'worst', 'joke', 'ever']","['worst', 'joke', 'ever', 'two', 'antenna', 'met', 'roof', 'fell', 'love', 'got', 'married', 'ceremony', 'much', 'reception', 'excellent', 'jumper', 'cable', 'walk', 'bar', 'bartender', 'say', 'serve', 'start', 'anything', 'two', 'peanut', 'walk', 'bar', 'one', 'salted', 'dyslexic', 'man', 'walk', 'bra', 'man', 'walk', 'bar', 'slab', 'asphalt', 'arm', 'say', 'beer', 'please', 'one', 'road', 'two', 'cannibal', 'eating', 'clown', 'one', 'say', 'taste', 'funny', 'doc', 'ca', 'stop', 'singing', 'green', 'green', 'grass', 'home', 'sound', 'like', 'tom', 'jones', 'syndrome', 'common', 'well', 'unusual', 'two', 'cow', 'standing', 'next', 'field', 'daisy', 'say', 'dolly', 'artificially', 'inseminated', 'morning', 'believe', 'say', 'dolly', 'true', 'bull', 'exclaims', 'daisy', 'invisible', 'man', 'marries', 'invisible', 'woman', 'kid', 'nothing', 'look', 'either', 'deja', 'moo', 'feeling', 'heard', 'bull', 'went', 'buy', 'camouflage', 'trouser', 'day', 'find', 'man', 'woke', 'hospital', 'serious', 'accident', 'shouted', 'doctor', 'doctor', 'ca', 'feel', 'leg', 'doctor', 'replied', 'know', 'ca', 'cut', 'arm', 'went', 'seafood', 'disco', 'last', 'week', 'pulled', 'mussel', 'call', 'fish', 'eye', 'fsh', 'two', 'fish', 'swim', 'concrete', 'wall', 'one', 'turn', 'say', 'dam', 'two', 'eskimo', 'sitting', 'kayak', 'chilly', 'lit', 'fire', 'craft', 'unsurprisingly', 'sank', 'proving', 'ca', 'kayak', 'heat', 'group', 'chess', 'enthusiast', 'checked', 'hotel', 'standing', 'lobby', 'discussing', 'recent', 'tournament', 'victory', 'hour', 'manager', 'came', 'office', 'asked', 'disperse', 'asked', 'moved', 'said', 'ca', 'stand', 'boasting', 'open', 'foyer', 'woman', 'twin', 'give', 'adoption', 'one', 'go', 'family', 'egypt', 'named', 'ahmal', 'go', 'family', 'spain', 'name', 'juan', 'year', 'later', 'juan', 'sends', 'picture', 'birth', 'mother', 'upon', 'receiving', 'picture', 'tell', 'husband', 'wish', 'also', 'picture', 'ahmal', 'husband', 'responds', 'twin', 'seen', 'juan', 'seen', 'ahmal', 'mahatma', 'gandhi', 'know', 'walked', 'barefoot', 'time', 'produced', 'impressive', 'set', 'callus', 'foot', 'also', 'ate', 'little', 'made', 'rather', 'frail', 'odd', 'diet', 'suffered', 'bad', 'breath', 'made', 'oh', 'man', 'bad', 'good', 'super', 'calloused', 'fragile', 'mystic', 'hexed', 'halitosis', 'finally', 'person', 'sent', 'twenty', 'different', 'pun', 'friend', 'hope', 'least', 'ten', 'pun', 'would', 'make', 'laugh', 'pun', 'ten', 'top', 'worst', 'joke', 'ever']",274
"A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. 
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. 
The son said, ""Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity.""
""Oh, my,"" said the father. What have I done?"" 
He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. 
Jake said, ""Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."" 
So they went to see the rabbi. 
The rabbi said, ""Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? 
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. 
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. 
The Voice said, ""Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...

Edit: Wow, I didn't expect these many upvotes. Also my first gold. Thank you stranger.",3yj12r,6056,A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn,"['jewish', 'businessman', 'brooklyn', 'decided', 'send', 'son', 'israel', 'absorb', 'culture', 'homeland', 'son', 'returned', 'father', 'asked', 'tell', 'trip', 'son', 'said', 'pop', 'great', 'time', 'israel', 'oh', 'way', 'converted', 'christianity', 'oh', 'said', 'father', 'done', 'decided', 'go', 'ask', 'old', 'friend', 'jacob', 'jake', 'said', 'funny', 'ask', 'sent', 'son', 'israel', 'also', 'came', 'back', 'christian', 'perhaps', 'go', 'see', 'rabbi', 'ask', 'went', 'see', 'rabbi', 'rabbi', 'said', 'funny', 'ask', 'sent', 'son', 'israel', 'also', 'came', 'back', 'christian', 'happening', 'young', 'people', 'three', 'prayed', 'explained', 'happened', 'son', 'asked', 'god', 'suddenly', 'voice', 'came', 'loud', 'clear', 'heaven', 'voice', 'said', 'funny', 'ask', 'sent', 'son', 'israel', 'edit', 'wow', 'expect', 'many', 'upvotes', 'also', 'first', 'gold', 'thank', 'stranger']","['jewish', 'businessman', 'brooklyn']","['jewish', 'businessman', 'brooklyn', 'decided', 'send', 'son', 'israel', 'absorb', 'culture', 'homeland', 'son', 'returned', 'father', 'asked', 'tell', 'trip', 'son', 'said', 'pop', 'great', 'time', 'israel', 'oh', 'way', 'converted', 'christianity', 'oh', 'said', 'father', 'done', 'decided', 'go', 'ask', 'old', 'friend', 'jacob', 'jake', 'said', 'funny', 'ask', 'sent', 'son', 'israel', 'also', 'came', 'back', 'christian', 'perhaps', 'go', 'see', 'rabbi', 'ask', 'went', 'see', 'rabbi', 'rabbi', 'said', 'funny', 'ask', 'sent', 'son', 'israel', 'also', 'came', 'back', 'christian', 'happening', 'young', 'people', 'three', 'prayed', 'explained', 'happened', 'son', 'asked', 'god', 'suddenly', 'voice', 'came', 'loud', 'clear', 'heaven', 'voice', 'said', 'funny', 'ask', 'sent', 'son', 'israel', 'edit', 'wow', 'expect', 'many', 'upvotes', 'also', 'first', 'gold', 'thank', 'stranger', 'jewish', 'businessman', 'brooklyn']",102
"No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

Edit: Thanks for all the awesome comments. I can't keep up!",2gc7iu,6053,How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?,"['one', 'know', 'never', 'get', 'keep', 'house', 'edit', 'thanks', 'awesome', 'comment', 'ca', 'keep']","['many', 'divorced', 'men', 'take', 'change', 'light', 'bulb']","['one', 'know', 'never', 'get', 'keep', 'house', 'edit', 'thanks', 'awesome', 'comment', 'ca', 'keep', 'many', 'divorced', 'men', 'take', 'change', 'light', 'bulb']",19
"Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says ""gee Susie, what's going on?""

Susie says ""I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious.""

Mr. Johnson asks ""why are you digging a hole?""

Susie replies ""I'm burying my gold fish.""

Mr Johnson laughs and asks ""Why is the hole so big?""

Susie replies ""Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat"".


Edit: He will be happy to know you liked it! Not sure he would get the whole reddit front page thing though. ",35a2mm,6053,As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown.,"['little', 'year', 'old', 'susie', 'back', 'yard', 'digging', 'hole', 'neighbor', 'johnson', 'peek', 'fence', 'say', 'gee', 'susie', 'going', 'susie', 'say', 'digging', 'hole', 'pretty', 'obvious', 'johnson', 'asks', 'digging', 'hole', 'susie', 'reply', 'burying', 'gold', 'fish', 'mr', 'johnson', 'laugh', 'asks', 'hole', 'big', 'susie', 'reply', 'goldfish', 'inside', 'fucking', 'cat', 'edit', 'happy', 'know', 'liked', 'sure', 'would', 'get', 'whole', 'reddit', 'front', 'page', 'thing', 'though']","['told', 'year', 'old', 'shriner', 'clown']","['little', 'year', 'old', 'susie', 'back', 'yard', 'digging', 'hole', 'neighbor', 'johnson', 'peek', 'fence', 'say', 'gee', 'susie', 'going', 'susie', 'say', 'digging', 'hole', 'pretty', 'obvious', 'johnson', 'asks', 'digging', 'hole', 'susie', 'reply', 'burying', 'gold', 'fish', 'mr', 'johnson', 'laugh', 'asks', 'hole', 'big', 'susie', 'reply', 'goldfish', 'inside', 'fucking', 'cat', 'edit', 'happy', 'know', 'liked', 'sure', 'would', 'get', 'whole', 'reddit', 'front', 'page', 'thing', 'though', 'told', 'year', 'old', 'shriner', 'clown']",61
Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves,4yeunb,6043,Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?,"['easy', 'push', 'around', 'never', 'stand']","['people', 'wheelchair', 'always', 'getting', 'taken', 'advantage']","['easy', 'push', 'around', 'never', 'stand', 'people', 'wheelchair', 'always', 'getting', 'taken', 'advantage']",11
"Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, ""That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."" He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, ""Kin ya swaller?"" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, ""Kin ya breathe?"" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, ""Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."" 
",2xwk6d,6034,Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar,"['two', 'men', 'texas', 'sitting', 'bar', 'young', 'lady', 'nearby', 'began', 'choke', 'hamburger', 'gasped', 'gagged', 'one', 'texan', 'turned', 'said', 'little', 'gal', 'havin', 'bad', 'time', 'gon', 'na', 'go', 'help', 'ran', 'young', 'lady', 'held', 'side', 'head', 'big', 'texan', 'hand', 'asked', 'kin', 'ya', 'swaller', 'gasping', 'shook', 'head', 'asked', 'kin', 'ya', 'breathe', 'still', 'gasping', 'shook', 'head', 'yanked', 'skirt', 'pulled', 'panty', 'licked', 'butt', 'young', 'woman', 'shocked', 'coughed', 'piece', 'hamburger', 'began', 'breathe', 'texan', 'sat', 'back', 'friend', 'said', 'ya', 'know', 'sure', 'amazin', 'manoeuvre', 'always', 'work']","['two', 'men', 'texas', 'sitting', 'bar']","['two', 'men', 'texas', 'sitting', 'bar', 'young', 'lady', 'nearby', 'began', 'choke', 'hamburger', 'gasped', 'gagged', 'one', 'texan', 'turned', 'said', 'little', 'gal', 'havin', 'bad', 'time', 'gon', 'na', 'go', 'help', 'ran', 'young', 'lady', 'held', 'side', 'head', 'big', 'texan', 'hand', 'asked', 'kin', 'ya', 'swaller', 'gasping', 'shook', 'head', 'asked', 'kin', 'ya', 'breathe', 'still', 'gasping', 'shook', 'head', 'yanked', 'skirt', 'pulled', 'panty', 'licked', 'butt', 'young', 'woman', 'shocked', 'coughed', 'piece', 'hamburger', 'began', 'breathe', 'texan', 'sat', 'back', 'friend', 'said', 'ya', 'know', 'sure', 'amazin', 'manoeuvre', 'always', 'work', 'two', 'men', 'texas', 'sitting', 'bar']",81
A Tupac...,3e7n2c,6030,What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?,['tupac'],"['get', 'shoot', 'four', 'bullet', 'six', 'pack']","['tupac', 'get', 'shoot', 'four', 'bullet', 'six', 'pack']",7
"She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had. 

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

EDIT: My most upvoted post ever! Thanks guys!",32nfxy,6025,I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.,"['upset', 'always', 'beating', 'jealous', 'much', 'money', 'property', 'angry', 'caught', 'flipped', 'game', 'board', 'left', 'pick', 'piece', 'edit', 'upvoted', 'post', 'ever', 'thanks', 'guy']","['caught', 'wife', 'cheating', 'best', 'friend']","['upset', 'always', 'beating', 'jealous', 'much', 'money', 'property', 'angry', 'caught', 'flipped', 'game', 'board', 'left', 'pick', 'piece', 'edit', 'upvoted', 'post', 'ever', 'thanks', 'guy', 'caught', 'wife', 'cheating', 'best', 'friend']",26
"Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He 
said I was doing fairly well for my age. 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think 
I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then He asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive motor-cycles, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'",3trm91,6011,Will I Live to see 80?,"['live', 'see', 'something', 'think', 'recently', 'picked', 'new', 'primary', 'care', 'doctor', 'two', 'visit', 'exhaustive', 'lab', 'test', 'said', 'fairly', 'well', 'age', 'little', 'concerned', 'comment', 'could', 'resist', 'asking', 'think', 'live', 'asked', 'smoke', 'tobacco', 'drink', 'beer', 'wine', 'hard', 'liquor', 'replied', 'drug', 'either', 'asked', 'eat', 'steak', 'barbecued', 'rib', 'said', 'much', 'former', 'doctor', 'said', 'red', 'meat', 'unhealthy', 'spend', 'lot', 'time', 'sun', 'like', 'playing', 'golf', 'boating', 'sailing', 'hiking', 'bicycling', 'said', 'asked', 'gamble', 'drive', 'drive', 'fast', 'car', 'lot', 'sex', 'said', 'looked', 'said', 'even', 'give', 'shit']","['live', 'see']","['live', 'see', 'something', 'think', 'recently', 'picked', 'new', 'primary', 'care', 'doctor', 'two', 'visit', 'exhaustive', 'lab', 'test', 'said', 'fairly', 'well', 'age', 'little', 'concerned', 'comment', 'could', 'resist', 'asking', 'think', 'live', 'asked', 'smoke', 'tobacco', 'drink', 'beer', 'wine', 'hard', 'liquor', 'replied', 'drug', 'either', 'asked', 'eat', 'steak', 'barbecued', 'rib', 'said', 'much', 'former', 'doctor', 'said', 'red', 'meat', 'unhealthy', 'spend', 'lot', 'time', 'sun', 'like', 'playing', 'golf', 'boating', 'sailing', 'hiking', 'bicycling', 'said', 'asked', 'gamble', 'drive', 'drive', 'fast', 'car', 'lot', 'sex', 'said', 'looked', 'said', 'even', 'give', 'shit', 'live', 'see']",79
"A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. 

He walks over to her and says, ""Wow, nice legs!"" 

She is flattered and replies, ""You really think so?"" 

The man says, ""Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.""",2lz5e1,6008,How to be insulting,"['man', 'go', 'bar', 'see', 'fat', 'girl', 'dancing', 'table', 'walk', 'say', 'wow', 'nice', 'leg', 'flattered', 'reply', 'really', 'think', 'man', 'say', 'oh', 'definitely', 'table', 'would', 'collapsed']",['insulting'],"['man', 'go', 'bar', 'see', 'fat', 'girl', 'dancing', 'table', 'walk', 'say', 'wow', 'nice', 'leg', 'flattered', 'reply', 'really', 'think', 'man', 'say', 'oh', 'definitely', 'table', 'would', 'collapsed', 'insulting']",25
"A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. 

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, ""Don't you know who I am?""
The man replied, ""Yep, sure do.""

""Aren't you afraid of me?"" Satan asked.

""Nope, sure ain't,"" said the man.

""Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"" asked Satan.

""Don't doubt it for a minute,"" returned the old man, in an even tone.

""Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?"" persisted Satan.

""Yep,"" was the calm reply.

""And you're still not afraid?"" asked Satan.

""Nope.""

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ""Well, why aren't you afraid of me?""

The man calmly replied, ""Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!..",3i72st,5994,Satan appeared at the front of the church,"['minute', 'service', 'started', 'townspeople', 'sitting', 'pew', 'talking', 'suddenly', 'satan', 'appeared', 'front', 'church', 'everyone', 'started', 'screaming', 'running', 'front', 'entrance', 'trampling', 'frantic', 'effort', 'get', 'away', 'evil', 'incarnate', 'soon', 'everyone', 'exited', 'church', 'except', 'one', 'elderly', 'gentleman', 'sat', 'calmly', 'pew', 'without', 'moving', 'seeming', 'oblivious', 'fact', 'god', 'ultimate', 'enemy', 'presence', 'satan', 'walked', 'old', 'man', 'said', 'know', 'man', 'replied', 'yep', 'sure', 'afraid', 'satan', 'asked', 'nope', 'sure', 'ai', 'said', 'man', 'realize', 'kill', 'word', 'asked', 'satan', 'doubt', 'minute', 'returned', 'old', 'man', 'even', 'tone', 'know', 'could', 'cause', 'profound', 'horrifying', 'physical', 'agony', 'eternity', 'persisted', 'satan', 'yep', 'calm', 'reply', 'still', 'afraid', 'asked', 'satan', 'nope', 'little', 'perturbed', 'satan', 'asked', 'well', 'afraid', 'man', 'calmly', 'replied', 'married', 'sister', 'last', 'year']","['satan', 'appeared', 'front', 'church']","['minute', 'service', 'started', 'townspeople', 'sitting', 'pew', 'talking', 'suddenly', 'satan', 'appeared', 'front', 'church', 'everyone', 'started', 'screaming', 'running', 'front', 'entrance', 'trampling', 'frantic', 'effort', 'get', 'away', 'evil', 'incarnate', 'soon', 'everyone', 'exited', 'church', 'except', 'one', 'elderly', 'gentleman', 'sat', 'calmly', 'pew', 'without', 'moving', 'seeming', 'oblivious', 'fact', 'god', 'ultimate', 'enemy', 'presence', 'satan', 'walked', 'old', 'man', 'said', 'know', 'man', 'replied', 'yep', 'sure', 'afraid', 'satan', 'asked', 'nope', 'sure', 'ai', 'said', 'man', 'realize', 'kill', 'word', 'asked', 'satan', 'doubt', 'minute', 'returned', 'old', 'man', 'even', 'tone', 'know', 'could', 'cause', 'profound', 'horrifying', 'physical', 'agony', 'eternity', 'persisted', 'satan', 'yep', 'calm', 'reply', 'still', 'afraid', 'asked', 'satan', 'nope', 'little', 'perturbed', 'satan', 'asked', 'well', 'afraid', 'man', 'calmly', 'replied', 'married', 'sister', 'last', 'year', 'satan', 'appeared', 'front', 'church']",110
"Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning ""I"", pointed to his knee meaning ""need"", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, ""What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!"". The other guy says, ""I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!",3cb98p,5994,Construction Worker Joke,"['construction', 'worker', 'floor', 'building', 'needed', 'handsaw', 'spot', 'another', 'worker', 'ground', 'floor', 'yell', 'ca', 'hear', 'worker', 'floor', 'try', 'sign', 'language', 'pointed', 'eye', 'meaning', 'pointed', 'knee', 'meaning', 'need', 'moved', 'hand', 'back', 'forth', 'hand', 'saw', 'motion', 'man', 'ground', 'floor', 'nod', 'head', 'pull', 'pant', 'whip', 'chop', 'start', 'masturbating', 'worker', 'floor', 'get', 'pissed', 'run', 'ground', 'floor', 'say', 'fuck', 'problem', 'said', 'needed', 'hand', 'saw', 'guy', 'say', 'knew', 'trying', 'tell', 'coming']","['construction', 'worker', 'joke']","['construction', 'worker', 'floor', 'building', 'needed', 'handsaw', 'spot', 'another', 'worker', 'ground', 'floor', 'yell', 'ca', 'hear', 'worker', 'floor', 'try', 'sign', 'language', 'pointed', 'eye', 'meaning', 'pointed', 'knee', 'meaning', 'need', 'moved', 'hand', 'back', 'forth', 'hand', 'saw', 'motion', 'man', 'ground', 'floor', 'nod', 'head', 'pull', 'pant', 'whip', 'chop', 'start', 'masturbating', 'worker', 'floor', 'get', 'pissed', 'run', 'ground', 'floor', 'say', 'fuck', 'problem', 'said', 'needed', 'hand', 'saw', 'guy', 'say', 'knew', 'trying', 'tell', 'coming', 'construction', 'worker', 'joke']",67
But no evidence is good enough for a Creationist.,3dsj6l,5990,No evidence is good enough for a Creationist...,"['evidence', 'good', 'enough', 'creationist']","['evidence', 'good', 'enough', 'creationist']","['evidence', 'good', 'enough', 'creationist', 'evidence', 'good', 'enough', 'creationist']",8
Because I'd vote for it.,4scp0i,5976,Is your refrigerator running?,['vote'],"['refrigerator', 'running']","['vote', 'refrigerator', 'running']",3
"A black guy and a white girl are at a party. After a while they go together to a room, and she asks excited: ""Show me if what they say about black men is true"". He grabs her purse and runs",4jbbcc,5973,A black guy and a white girl are at a party,"['black', 'guy', 'white', 'girl', 'party', 'go', 'together', 'room', 'asks', 'excited', 'show', 'say', 'black', 'men', 'true', 'grab', 'purse', 'run']","['black', 'guy', 'white', 'girl', 'party']","['black', 'guy', 'white', 'girl', 'party', 'go', 'together', 'room', 'asks', 'excited', 'show', 'say', 'black', 'men', 'true', 'grab', 'purse', 'run', 'black', 'guy', 'white', 'girl', 'party']",23
I'd have $ 6.30 now,4wduew,5972,"If i got 50 cents for every failed math exam,",[],"['got', 'cent', 'every', 'failed', 'math', 'exam']","['got', 'cent', 'every', 'failed', 'math', 'exam']",6
"A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and spots a woman in the Shadows.

""Twenty dollars"" she whispers.

Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

""What's going on here, people?"" asks the officer.

""I's makin' love to me wife!"", the Newfoundlander answers, annoyed.

""Oh! I'm sorry"", says the cop. ""I didn't know.""

""Well, neidder did I, 'til ya shined that light in 'er face!""",2jsc6l,5964,Newfie Hooker,"['newfoundlander', 'walking', 'home', 'late', 'night', 'spot', 'woman', 'shadow', 'twenty', 'dollar', 'whisper', 'perry', 'never', 'hooker', 'decides', 'hell', 'twenty', 'buck', 'hide', 'bush', 'going', 'minute', 'sudden', 'light', 'flash', 'police', 'officer', 'going', 'people', 'asks', 'officer', 'makin', 'love', 'wife', 'newfoundlander', 'answer', 'annoyed', 'oh', 'sorry', 'say', 'cop', 'know', 'well', 'neidder', 'ya', 'shined', 'light', 'face']","['newfie', 'hooker']","['newfoundlander', 'walking', 'home', 'late', 'night', 'spot', 'woman', 'shadow', 'twenty', 'dollar', 'whisper', 'perry', 'never', 'hooker', 'decides', 'hell', 'twenty', 'buck', 'hide', 'bush', 'going', 'minute', 'sudden', 'light', 'flash', 'police', 'officer', 'going', 'people', 'asks', 'officer', 'makin', 'love', 'wife', 'newfoundlander', 'answer', 'annoyed', 'oh', 'sorry', 'say', 'cop', 'know', 'well', 'neidder', 'ya', 'shined', 'light', 'face', 'newfie', 'hooker']",50
Classic conditioning.,2v7jav,5962,Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?,"['classic', 'conditioning']","['pavlov', 'hair', 'soft']","['classic', 'conditioning', 'pavlov', 'hair', 'soft']",5
"It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same.

EDIT: Front page? Hot damn! Now what do I do with my life?",4b6x5n,5928,Great wine is like great jazz...,"['confuses', 'pretty', 'sure', 'edit', 'front', 'page', 'hot', 'damn', 'life']","['great', 'wine', 'like', 'great', 'jazz']","['confuses', 'pretty', 'sure', 'edit', 'front', 'page', 'hot', 'damn', 'life', 'great', 'wine', 'like', 'great', 'jazz']",14
"It's cool though, she said we can still be cousins.",3rcdms,5924,Broke up with my girlfriend today,"['cool', 'though', 'said', 'still', 'cousin']","['broke', 'girlfriend', 'today']","['cool', 'though', 'said', 'still', 'cousin', 'broke', 'girlfriend', 'today']",8
"And he brings along a gorgeous young lady.

""Well guys, meet my new fiancée"" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty.

After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks: ""how did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!""

""I lied about my age""

""And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?""

""I told her I was ninety""



EDIT: Spelling",3we3z3,5924,A rich old man goes golfing with his friends,"['brings', 'along', 'gorgeous', 'young', 'lady', 'well', 'guy', 'meet', 'new', 'fiancée', 'say', 'full', 'pride', 'rest', 'afternoon', 'friend', 'ca', 'take', 'eye', 'beauty', 'round', 'golf', 'rich', 'man', 'go', 'bar', 'order', 'drink', 'group', 'one', 'friend', 'accompanies', 'quietly', 'asks', 'manage', 'hook', 'beautiful', 'young', 'lady', 'seventy', 'must', 'least', 'fourty', 'year', 'younger', 'lied', 'age', 'believed', 'old', 'say', 'told', 'ninety', 'edit', 'spelling']","['rich', 'old', 'man', 'go', 'golfing', 'friend']","['brings', 'along', 'gorgeous', 'young', 'lady', 'well', 'guy', 'meet', 'new', 'fiancée', 'say', 'full', 'pride', 'rest', 'afternoon', 'friend', 'ca', 'take', 'eye', 'beauty', 'round', 'golf', 'rich', 'man', 'go', 'bar', 'order', 'drink', 'group', 'one', 'friend', 'accompanies', 'quietly', 'asks', 'manage', 'hook', 'beautiful', 'young', 'lady', 'seventy', 'must', 'least', 'fourty', 'year', 'younger', 'lied', 'age', 'believed', 'old', 'say', 'told', 'ninety', 'edit', 'spelling', 'rich', 'old', 'man', 'go', 'golfing', 'friend']",60
But on the other hand I am completely fine.,31065v,5916,I broke my finger today...,"['hand', 'completely', 'fine']","['broke', 'finger', 'today']","['hand', 'completely', 'fine', 'broke', 'finger', 'today']",6
Get another one to yell BINGO,2pctwz,5912,How do you get a sweet little old lady to say F***?,"['get', 'another', 'one', 'yell', 'bingo']","['get', 'sweet', 'little', 'old', 'lady', 'say', 'f']","['get', 'another', 'one', 'yell', 'bingo', 'get', 'sweet', 'little', 'old', 'lady', 'say', 'f']",12
"There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, ""If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had ""fallen"". 

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. 

The priest said, ""You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."" 

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. 

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, ""I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week.""",5t7hx0,5905,Adultery Code,"['old', 'priest', 'got', 'sick', 'people', 'parish', 'kept', 'confessing', 'adultery', 'one', 'sunday', 'pulpit', 'said', 'hear', 'one', 'person', 'confess', 'adultery', 'quit', 'well', 'everyone', 'liked', 'came', 'code', 'word', 'someone', 'committed', 'adultery', 'would', 'say', 'fallen', 'seemed', 'satisfy', 'old', 'priest', 'thing', 'went', 'well', 'priest', 'died', 'ripe', 'old', 'age', 'week', 'new', 'priest', 'arrived', 'visited', 'mayor', 'town', 'seemed', 'concerned', 'priest', 'said', 'something', 'sidewalk', 'town', 'people', 'come', 'confessional', 'keep', 'talking', 'fallen', 'mayor', 'started', 'laugh', 'realizing', 'told', 'new', 'priest', 'code', 'word', 'mayor', 'could', 'explain', 'priest', 'shook', 'accusing', 'finger', 'mayor', 'said', 'know', 'laughing', 'wife', 'fell', 'three', 'time', 'week']","['adultery', 'code']","['old', 'priest', 'got', 'sick', 'people', 'parish', 'kept', 'confessing', 'adultery', 'one', 'sunday', 'pulpit', 'said', 'hear', 'one', 'person', 'confess', 'adultery', 'quit', 'well', 'everyone', 'liked', 'came', 'code', 'word', 'someone', 'committed', 'adultery', 'would', 'say', 'fallen', 'seemed', 'satisfy', 'old', 'priest', 'thing', 'went', 'well', 'priest', 'died', 'ripe', 'old', 'age', 'week', 'new', 'priest', 'arrived', 'visited', 'mayor', 'town', 'seemed', 'concerned', 'priest', 'said', 'something', 'sidewalk', 'town', 'people', 'come', 'confessional', 'keep', 'talking', 'fallen', 'mayor', 'started', 'laugh', 'realizing', 'told', 'new', 'priest', 'code', 'word', 'mayor', 'could', 'explain', 'priest', 'shook', 'accusing', 'finger', 'mayor', 'said', 'know', 'laughing', 'wife', 'fell', 'three', 'time', 'week', 'adultery', 'code']",90
"She said, ""Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."" 

 I said, ""Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."" 
",39q489,5901,My wife just called me.,"['said', 'three', 'girl', 'office', 'received', 'flower', 'valentine', 'day', 'absolutely', 'gorgeous', 'said', 'well', 'probably', 'received', 'flower']","['wife', 'called']","['said', 'three', 'girl', 'office', 'received', 'flower', 'valentine', 'day', 'absolutely', 'gorgeous', 'said', 'well', 'probably', 'received', 'flower', 'wife', 'called']",17
A threesome,42aj2i,5894,What do you call 5 black people having sex?,['threesome'],"['call', 'black', 'people', 'sex']","['threesome', 'call', 'black', 'people', 'sex']",5
and I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it.,34u0fd,5893,"An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...","['know', 'wo', 'shut', 'fuck']","['atheist', 'crossfitter', 'vegan', 'sitting', 'bar']","['know', 'wo', 'shut', 'fuck', 'atheist', 'crossfitter', 'vegan', 'sitting', 'bar']",9
It was having a mid life crisis,3w7gnu,5887,why was the 6 month old African baby crying?,"['mid', 'life', 'crisis']","['month', 'old', 'african', 'baby', 'cry']","['mid', 'life', 'crisis', 'month', 'old', 'african', 'baby', 'cry']",8
"**One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!**

Edit: RIP Inbox. We hardly knew ye.  
First front page ever! Woo!",3awn7o,5886,Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11?,"['one', 'twenty', 'twenty', 'edit', 'rip', 'inbox', 'hardly', 'knew', 'ye', 'first', 'front', 'page', 'ever', 'woo']","['know', 'x', 'x']","['one', 'twenty', 'twenty', 'edit', 'rip', 'inbox', 'hardly', 'knew', 'ye', 'first', 'front', 'page', 'ever', 'woo', 'know', 'x', 'x']",17
Hitler was good at making speeches,5qnzn5,5874,"People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.","['hitler', 'good', 'making', 'speech']","['people', 'compare', 'trump', 'hitler', 'time', 'one', 'major', 'difference']","['hitler', 'good', 'making', 'speech', 'people', 'compare', 'trump', 'hitler', 'time', 'one', 'major', 'difference']",12
The Polar bear.,31rlhp,5872,What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?,"['polar', 'bear']","['stupidest', 'animal', 'jungle']","['polar', 'bear', 'stupidest', 'animal', 'jungle']",5
1080pee,3am5z0,5862,What do you call crystal clear urine?,[],"['call', 'crystal', 'clear', 'urine']","['call', 'crystal', 'clear', 'urine']",4
"It's fun at the time, but in the end you're just fucking yourself. ",4od3ey,5852,Procrastination is like masturbation,"['fun', 'time', 'end', 'fucking']","['procrastination', 'like', 'masturbation']","['fun', 'time', 'end', 'fucking', 'procrastination', 'like', 'masturbation']",7
"Just took a shower with my girlfriend.....

And stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos.",5s0uq4,5849,Porn is so unrealistic,"['took', 'shower', 'girlfriend', 'stood', 'corner', 'freezing', 'minute', 'handing', 'different', 'shampoo']","['porn', 'unrealistic']","['took', 'shower', 'girlfriend', 'stood', 'corner', 'freezing', 'minute', 'handing', 'different', 'shampoo', 'porn', 'unrealistic']",12
"He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will be a pizza history.




Edit: Thank you for getting this on the front page!",2yjray,5846,Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?,"['pasta', 'way', 'cannoli', 'much', 'legacy', 'pizza', 'history', 'edit', 'thank', 'getting', 'front', 'page']","['hear', 'italian', 'chef', 'died']","['pasta', 'way', 'cannoli', 'much', 'legacy', 'pizza', 'history', 'edit', 'thank', 'getting', 'front', 'page', 'hear', 'italian', 'chef', 'died']",16
"A girl came skipping home from school one day.
""Mommy, Mommy,"" she yelled, ""we were counting
today, and all the other kids could only count to
four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,
8, 9, 10!""
""Very good,"" said her mother.
""Is it because I'm blonde?"" the girl said.
""Yes, it's because you're blonde,"" said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from
school. ""Mommy, Mommy,"" she yelled, ""we were
saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See?
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L M, N!""
""Very good,"" said her mother.
""Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?""
""Yes, it's because you're blonde.""
The next day the girl came skipping home from
school. ""Mommy, Mommy,"" she yelled, ""we were
in gym class today, and when we showered, all
the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!""
She lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed
chest.
""Very good,"" said her embarrassed mother.
""Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?""
""No Honey, it's because you're 19!""",5r69or,5846,Is it because I'm blonde?,"['girl', 'came', 'skipping', 'home', 'school', 'one', 'day', 'mommy', 'mommy', 'yelled', 'counting', 'today', 'kid', 'could', 'count', 'four', 'counted', 'see', 'good', 'said', 'mother', 'blonde', 'girl', 'said', 'yes', 'blonde', 'said', 'mommy', 'next', 'day', 'girl', 'came', 'skipping', 'home', 'school', 'mommy', 'mommy', 'yelled', 'saying', 'alphabet', 'today', 'kid', 'could', 'say', 'g', 'said', 'see', 'b', 'c', 'e', 'f', 'g', 'h', 'j', 'k', 'l', 'n', 'good', 'said', 'mother', 'blonde', 'mommy', 'yes', 'blonde', 'next', 'day', 'girl', 'came', 'skipping', 'home', 'school', 'mommy', 'mommy', 'yelled', 'gym', 'class', 'today', 'showered', 'girl', 'flat', 'chest', 'lifted', 'tank', 'top', 'reveal', 'fully', 'developed', 'chest', 'good', 'said', 'embarrassed', 'mother', 'blonde', 'mommy', 'honey']",['blonde'],"['girl', 'came', 'skipping', 'home', 'school', 'one', 'day', 'mommy', 'mommy', 'yelled', 'counting', 'today', 'kid', 'could', 'count', 'four', 'counted', 'see', 'good', 'said', 'mother', 'blonde', 'girl', 'said', 'yes', 'blonde', 'said', 'mommy', 'next', 'day', 'girl', 'came', 'skipping', 'home', 'school', 'mommy', 'mommy', 'yelled', 'saying', 'alphabet', 'today', 'kid', 'could', 'say', 'g', 'said', 'see', 'b', 'c', 'e', 'f', 'g', 'h', 'j', 'k', 'l', 'n', 'good', 'said', 'mother', 'blonde', 'mommy', 'yes', 'blonde', 'next', 'day', 'girl', 'came', 'skipping', 'home', 'school', 'mommy', 'mommy', 'yelled', 'gym', 'class', 'today', 'showered', 'girl', 'flat', 'chest', 'lifted', 'tank', 'top', 'reveal', 'fully', 'developed', 'chest', 'good', 'said', 'embarrassed', 'mother', 'blonde', 'mommy', 'honey', 'blonde']",96
"A girl says to her friend ""The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash""

Her friend says ""What, over in 6 seconds?""

""No, with 8 black men and a gun.""",3jufre,5845,100m Dash,"['girl', 'say', 'friend', 'last', 'time', 'sex', 'like', 'meter', 'dash', 'friend', 'say', 'second', 'black', 'men', 'gun']",['dash'],"['girl', 'say', 'friend', 'last', 'time', 'sex', 'like', 'meter', 'dash', 'friend', 'say', 'second', 'black', 'men', 'gun', 'dash']",16
"Concrete floors are really hard to crack. 

Then he said ""you were thinking about the egg weren't you!""",2f305c,5836,Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.,"['concrete', 'floor', 'really', 'hard', 'crack', 'said', 'thinking', 'egg']","['told', 'year', 'old', 'boy', 'drop', 'egg', 'concrete', 'floor', 'without', 'cracking']","['concrete', 'floor', 'really', 'hard', 'crack', 'said', 'thinking', 'egg', 'told', 'year', 'old', 'boy', 'drop', 'egg', 'concrete', 'floor', 'without', 'cracking']",18
They know my name isnt Someone Help,4geq6n,5834,I hate when a girl says the wrong name during sex,"['know', 'name', 'isnt', 'someone', 'help']","['hate', 'girl', 'say', 'wrong', 'name', 'sex']","['know', 'name', 'isnt', 'someone', 'help', 'hate', 'girl', 'say', 'wrong', 'name', 'sex']",11
Genocide,304d0v,5833,"If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May Flowers bring?",['genocide'],"['april', 'shower', 'bring', 'may', 'flower', 'may', 'flower', 'bring']","['genocide', 'april', 'shower', 'bring', 'may', 'flower', 'may', 'flower', 'bring']",9
"The first woman says to the mortician, ""I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral.  Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit.""

The mortician agrees and thanks the woman and the first woman leaves.  Now the second woman comes in and says, ""I know I've brought my husband wearing a black suit, but I've always really loved him in blue.  Is there any way you can have him in a blue suit for his funeral?""

The mortician assures her that it's not a problem and the second woman thanks her and leaves.  A few days later the mortician shows up at the first man's funeral and his widow walks up and says,
""Thank you so much for doing this.  My husband looks wonderful in the black suit you found him.""

The mortician replies, ""Of course, I was happy to do it. And here's your check back.""

""No, I really appreciate it and I want to pay you, just take whatever you need.""

""Oh no really, it didn't cost me anything.  You see, right after you came in a woman showed up with her husband in a black suit and she wanted him wearing blue.  So in the end all I had to do was switch the heads.""",2r0kaf,5822,So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.,"['first', 'woman', 'say', 'mortician', 'got', 'husband', 'best', 'blue', 'suit', 'really', 'appreciate', 'could', 'black', 'suit', 'funeral', 'blank', 'check', 'use', 'whatever', 'need', 'want', 'black', 'suit', 'mortician', 'agrees', 'thanks', 'woman', 'first', 'woman', 'leaf', 'second', 'woman', 'come', 'say', 'know', 'brought', 'husband', 'wearing', 'black', 'suit', 'always', 'really', 'loved', 'blue', 'way', 'blue', 'suit', 'funeral', 'mortician', 'assures', 'problem', 'second', 'woman', 'thanks', 'leaf', 'day', 'later', 'mortician', 'show', 'first', 'man', 'funeral', 'widow', 'walk', 'say', 'thank', 'much', 'husband', 'look', 'wonderful', 'black', 'suit', 'found', 'mortician', 'reply', 'course', 'happy', 'check', 'back', 'really', 'appreciate', 'want', 'pay', 'take', 'whatever', 'need', 'oh', 'really', 'cost', 'anything', 'see', 'right', 'came', 'woman', 'showed', 'husband', 'black', 'suit', 'wanted', 'wearing', 'blue', 'end', 'switch', 'head']","['two', 'lady', 'walk', 'mortician', 'office']","['first', 'woman', 'say', 'mortician', 'got', 'husband', 'best', 'blue', 'suit', 'really', 'appreciate', 'could', 'black', 'suit', 'funeral', 'blank', 'check', 'use', 'whatever', 'need', 'want', 'black', 'suit', 'mortician', 'agrees', 'thanks', 'woman', 'first', 'woman', 'leaf', 'second', 'woman', 'come', 'say', 'know', 'brought', 'husband', 'wearing', 'black', 'suit', 'always', 'really', 'loved', 'blue', 'way', 'blue', 'suit', 'funeral', 'mortician', 'assures', 'problem', 'second', 'woman', 'thanks', 'leaf', 'day', 'later', 'mortician', 'show', 'first', 'man', 'funeral', 'widow', 'walk', 'say', 'thank', 'much', 'husband', 'look', 'wonderful', 'black', 'suit', 'found', 'mortician', 'reply', 'course', 'happy', 'check', 'back', 'really', 'appreciate', 'want', 'pay', 'take', 'whatever', 'need', 'oh', 'really', 'cost', 'anything', 'see', 'right', 'came', 'woman', 'showed', 'husband', 'black', 'suit', 'wanted', 'wearing', 'blue', 'end', 'switch', 'head', 'two', 'lady', 'walk', 'mortician', 'office']",109
"Dad: Drugs, usually.",3lgaiw,5821,"Son: Dad, how do stars die?","['dad', 'drug', 'usually']","['son', 'dad', 'star', 'die']","['dad', 'drug', 'usually', 'son', 'dad', 'star', 'die']",7
"A police officer pulls over a speeding
car. The officer says, *‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’*  

The driver says, *‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100,  perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’*  

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, *‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’*  

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, *‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’*  

The wife smiles demurely and says, *‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’*  

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, *‘F**k it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’*  

The officer frowns and says, *‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’*  

The driver says, *‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.*’  

The wife says, *‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’*  

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, *‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the f**k up?*  

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, *‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’*  

The Wife replies, *‘Only when he’s drunk.’*",2h8pwu,5811,A police officer pulls over a speeding car..,"['police', 'officer', 'pull', 'speeding', 'car', 'officer', 'say', 'clocked', 'driver', 'say', 'christ', 'officer', 'cruise', 'control', 'perhaps', 'radar', 'gun', 'need', 'looking', 'knitting', 'wife', 'say', 'silly', 'dear', 'know', 'car', 'cruise', 'officer', 'writes', 'ticket', 'driver', 'look', 'wife', 'growl', 'please', 'keep', 'mouth', 'shut', 'wife', 'smile', 'demurely', 'say', 'thankful', 'radar', 'detector', 'went', 'officer', 'make', 'second', 'ticket', 'illegal', 'radar', 'detector', 'unit', 'man', 'glower', 'wife', 'say', 'clenched', 'teeth', 'f', 'k', 'woman', 'keep', 'mouth', 'shut', 'officer', 'frown', 'say', 'notice', 'wearing', 'seat', 'belt', 'sir', 'automatic', 'driver', 'say', 'yeah', 'well', 'see', 'officer', 'took', 'pulled', 'could', 'get', 'license', 'back', 'pocket', 'wife', 'say', 'dear', 'know', 'well', 'seat', 'belt', 'never', 'wear', 'seat', 'belt', 'police', 'officer', 'writing', 'third', 'ticket', 'driver', 'turn', 'wife', 'bark', 'shut', 'f', 'k', 'officer', 'look', 'woman', 'asks', 'husband', 'always', 'talk', 'way', 'wife', 'reply']","['police', 'officer', 'pull', 'speeding', 'car']","['police', 'officer', 'pull', 'speeding', 'car', 'officer', 'say', 'clocked', 'driver', 'say', 'christ', 'officer', 'cruise', 'control', 'perhaps', 'radar', 'gun', 'need', 'looking', 'knitting', 'wife', 'say', 'silly', 'dear', 'know', 'car', 'cruise', 'officer', 'writes', 'ticket', 'driver', 'look', 'wife', 'growl', 'please', 'keep', 'mouth', 'shut', 'wife', 'smile', 'demurely', 'say', 'thankful', 'radar', 'detector', 'went', 'officer', 'make', 'second', 'ticket', 'illegal', 'radar', 'detector', 'unit', 'man', 'glower', 'wife', 'say', 'clenched', 'teeth', 'f', 'k', 'woman', 'keep', 'mouth', 'shut', 'officer', 'frown', 'say', 'notice', 'wearing', 'seat', 'belt', 'sir', 'automatic', 'driver', 'say', 'yeah', 'well', 'see', 'officer', 'took', 'pulled', 'could', 'get', 'license', 'back', 'pocket', 'wife', 'say', 'dear', 'know', 'well', 'seat', 'belt', 'never', 'wear', 'seat', 'belt', 'police', 'officer', 'writing', 'third', 'ticket', 'driver', 'turn', 'wife', 'bark', 'shut', 'f', 'k', 'officer', 'look', 'woman', 'asks', 'husband', 'always', 'talk', 'way', 'wife', 'reply', 'police', 'officer', 'pull', 'speeding', 'car']",126
Because most hackers don't get it,4278he,5810,My password is pussy,"['hacker', 'get']","['password', 'pussy']","['hacker', 'get', 'password', 'pussy']",4
She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years,42ihx3,5808,I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex,"['told', 'sex', 'asshole', 'year']","['told', 'wife', 'wanted', 'try', 'anal', 'sex']","['told', 'sex', 'asshole', 'year', 'told', 'wife', 'wanted', 'try', 'anal', 'sex']",10
"A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test. 

Here is your first question, the boss said. ""Without using numbers, represent the number 9."" 

""Without numbers?"" the man says, ""Dats easy."" 

[And proceeds to draw three trees.](https://qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-cd69b48373ff4d3a59878c205c56551a?convert_to_webp=true)

""What's this?"" the boss asks.

 ""Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9"" says the man.

""Fair enough,"" says the boss. ""Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.""

The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and [makes a smudge on each tree](https://qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-a151dc499635e4cfb4c2d2ed2262a28b?convert_to_webp=true)... ""Ere ye go.""

The boss scratches his head and says, ""How on earth do you get that to represent 99?""

""Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."" 

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire the guy, so he says, ""All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.""

The man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and [makes a little mark at the base of each tree](https://qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-27f642b08fb87f078a110b90c5c5bf65?convert_to_webp=true) and says, ""Ere ye go. One hundred.""

The boss looks at the attempt and says, ""You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!""            

The man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, ""A little dog came along and pooped by each tree...so now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred!""

~~This Irishman is the new supervisor.~~ 

**edit:** For everyone poking fun at the last line, happy now? ",3z0nz5,5807,An Irishman walks into a job interview.,"['irishman', 'want', 'job', 'bos', 'wo', 'hire', 'pass', 'little', 'math', 'test', 'first', 'question', 'bos', 'said', 'without', 'using', 'number', 'represent', 'number', 'without', 'number', 'man', 'say', 'dat', 'easy', 'proceeds', 'draw', 'three', 'tree', 'http', 'bos', 'asks', 'tree', 'tree', 'plus', 'tree', 'make', 'say', 'man', 'fair', 'enough', 'say', 'bos', 'second', 'question', 'use', 'rule', 'time', 'number', 'man', 'stare', 'space', 'pick', 'picture', 'drawn', 'make', 'smudge', 'tree', 'http', 'ere', 'ye', 'go', 'bos', 'scratch', 'head', 'say', 'earth', 'get', 'represent', 'tree', 'dirty', 'dirty', 'tree', 'dirty', 'tree', 'plus', 'dirty', 'tree', 'dat', 'make', 'bos', 'getting', 'worried', 'going', 'actually', 'hire', 'guy', 'say', 'right', 'last', 'question', 'rule', 'represent', 'number', 'man', 'stare', 'space', 'pick', 'picture', 'make', 'little', 'mark', 'base', 'tree', 'http', 'say', 'ere', 'ye', 'go', 'one', 'hundred', 'bos', 'look', 'attempt', 'say', 'must', 'nut', 'think', 'represents', 'hundred', 'man', 'lean', 'forward', 'point', 'mark', 'base', 'tree', 'whisper', 'little', 'dog', 'came', 'along', 'pooped', 'tree', 'got', 'dirty', 'tree', 'turd', 'dirty', 'tree', 'turd', 'dirty', 'tree', 'turd', 'make', 'one', 'hundred', 'irishman', 'new', 'edit', 'everyone', 'poking', 'fun', 'last', 'line', 'happy']","['irishman', 'walk', 'job', 'interview']","['irishman', 'want', 'job', 'bos', 'wo', 'hire', 'pass', 'little', 'math', 'test', 'first', 'question', 'bos', 'said', 'without', 'using', 'number', 'represent', 'number', 'without', 'number', 'man', 'say', 'dat', 'easy', 'proceeds', 'draw', 'three', 'tree', 'http', 'bos', 'asks', 'tree', 'tree', 'plus', 'tree', 'make', 'say', 'man', 'fair', 'enough', 'say', 'bos', 'second', 'question', 'use', 'rule', 'time', 'number', 'man', 'stare', 'space', 'pick', 'picture', 'drawn', 'make', 'smudge', 'tree', 'http', 'ere', 'ye', 'go', 'bos', 'scratch', 'head', 'say', 'earth', 'get', 'represent', 'tree', 'dirty', 'dirty', 'tree', 'dirty', 'tree', 'plus', 'dirty', 'tree', 'dat', 'make', 'bos', 'getting', 'worried', 'going', 'actually', 'hire', 'guy', 'say', 'right', 'last', 'question', 'rule', 'represent', 'number', 'man', 'stare', 'space', 'pick', 'picture', 'make', 'little', 'mark', 'base', 'tree', 'http', 'say', 'ere', 'ye', 'go', 'one', 'hundred', 'bos', 'look', 'attempt', 'say', 'must', 'nut', 'think', 'represents', 'hundred', 'man', 'lean', 'forward', 'point', 'mark', 'base', 'tree', 'whisper', 'little', 'dog', 'came', 'along', 'pooped', 'tree', 'got', 'dirty', 'tree', 'turd', 'dirty', 'tree', 'turd', 'dirty', 'tree', 'turd', 'make', 'one', 'hundred', 'irishman', 'new', 'edit', 'everyone', 'poking', 'fun', 'last', 'line', 'happy', 'irishman', 'walk', 'job', 'interview']",160
Envelope!,3xnyv7,5806,What starts with “E” and has only one letter in it?,['envelope'],"['start', 'e', 'one', 'letter']","['envelope', 'start', 'e', 'one', 'letter']",5
"And says ""ladies, is anything ok?""",3g8snq,5801,A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining,"['say', 'lady', 'anything', 'ok']","['waiter', 'walk', 'table', 'full', 'jewish', 'woman', 'dining']","['say', 'lady', 'anything', 'ok', 'waiter', 'walk', 'table', 'full', 'jewish', 'woman', 'dining']",11
"It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms. 
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having sex. He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job. 
She replys ""honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel""",33dehm,5800,Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...,"['stared', 'raining', 'one', 'lady', 'pull', 'condom', 'cut', 'end', 'put', 'cigarette', 'wo', 'get', 'wet', 'lady', 'think', 'great', 'idea', 'decides', 'head', 'store', 'buy', 'condom', 'get', 'go', 'counter', 'asks', 'cashier', 'pack', 'condom', 'look', 'disgust', 'ca', 'believe', 'someone', 'age', 'would', 'sex', 'asks', 'kind', 'would', 'like', 'anyways', 'want', 'lose', 'job', 'reply', 'honey', 'matter', 'kind', 'long', 'fit', 'camel']","['two', 'elderly', 'lady', 'smoking', 'outside']","['stared', 'raining', 'one', 'lady', 'pull', 'condom', 'cut', 'end', 'put', 'cigarette', 'wo', 'get', 'wet', 'lady', 'think', 'great', 'idea', 'decides', 'head', 'store', 'buy', 'condom', 'get', 'go', 'counter', 'asks', 'cashier', 'pack', 'condom', 'look', 'disgust', 'ca', 'believe', 'someone', 'age', 'would', 'sex', 'asks', 'kind', 'would', 'like', 'anyways', 'want', 'lose', 'job', 'reply', 'honey', 'matter', 'kind', 'long', 'fit', 'camel', 'two', 'elderly', 'lady', 'smoking', 'outside']",57
osMoses,3qv6bj,5794,Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?,['osmoses'],"['led', 'jew', 'across', 'membrane']","['osmoses', 'led', 'jew', 'across', 'membrane']",5
"""Can't complain"", he said.",4ac2wf,5786,I asked my North Korean friend what life was like in North Korea,"['ca', 'complain', 'said']","['asked', 'north', 'korean', 'friend', 'life', 'like', 'north', 'korea']","['ca', 'complain', 'said', 'asked', 'north', 'korean', 'friend', 'life', 'like', 'north', 'korea']",11
None. He fell.,4qpfsl,5783,How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?,"['none', 'fell']","['many', 'cop', 'take', 'push', 'black', 'man', 'stair']","['none', 'fell', 'many', 'cop', 'take', 'push', 'black', 'man', 'stair']",9
"Because fuck u 

that's why",2b83sp,5781,"Why did America remove the ""u"" from ""colour""?","['fuck', 'u']","['america', 'remove', 'u', 'colour']","['fuck', 'u', 'america', 'remove', 'u', 'colour']",6
"My mom answered ""Who?""

""Your daughter""

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago 

",2wr12h,5775,"My little sister made a face at my mom and said ""Guess who I am?""","['mom', 'answered', 'daughter', 'courtesy', 'year', 'old', 'sister', 'minute', 'ago']","['little', 'sister', 'made', 'face', 'mom', 'said', 'guess']","['mom', 'answered', 'daughter', 'courtesy', 'year', 'old', 'sister', 'minute', 'ago', 'little', 'sister', 'made', 'face', 'mom', 'said', 'guess']",16
"Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

""Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!""

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

""You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!""

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.

""WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!""

The wife runs to the fri-

""CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!""

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. 

She gasps ""What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs.""

The husband simply smiles, remarks ""I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car"", and leaves.

",2e32t0,5766,A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…,"['immediately', 'see', 'egg', 'gasp', 'horror', 'careful', 'careful', 'put', 'butter', 'oh', 'gosh', 'wife', 'startled', 'husband', 'violent', 'reaction', 'dash', 'fridge', 'get', 'butter', 'cooking', 'many', 'many', 'turn', 'turn', 'wife', 'concerned', 'status', 'husband', 'mental', 'state', 'forgets', 'butter', 'go', 'running', 'egg', 'need', 'butter', 'crazy', 'going', 'get', 'butter', 'going', 'stick', 'hurry', 'wife', 'run', 'careful', 'egg', 'careful', 'never', 'listen', 'cooking', 'never', 'turn', 'quickly', 'oh', 'quickly', 'know', 'cook', 'insane', 'turn', 'damn', 'egg', 'point', 'wife', 'start', 'cry', 'since', 'idea', 'gasp', 'wrong', 'know', 'cook', 'egg', 'husband', 'simply', 'smile', 'remark', 'wanted', 'show', 'feel', 'like', 'driving', 'car', 'leaf']","['woman', 'cooking', 'egg', 'kitchen', 'husband', 'come', 'running']","['immediately', 'see', 'egg', 'gasp', 'horror', 'careful', 'careful', 'put', 'butter', 'oh', 'gosh', 'wife', 'startled', 'husband', 'violent', 'reaction', 'dash', 'fridge', 'get', 'butter', 'cooking', 'many', 'many', 'turn', 'turn', 'wife', 'concerned', 'status', 'husband', 'mental', 'state', 'forgets', 'butter', 'go', 'running', 'egg', 'need', 'butter', 'crazy', 'going', 'get', 'butter', 'going', 'stick', 'hurry', 'wife', 'run', 'careful', 'egg', 'careful', 'never', 'listen', 'cooking', 'never', 'turn', 'quickly', 'oh', 'quickly', 'know', 'cook', 'insane', 'turn', 'damn', 'egg', 'point', 'wife', 'start', 'cry', 'since', 'idea', 'gasp', 'wrong', 'know', 'cook', 'egg', 'husband', 'simply', 'smile', 'remark', 'wanted', 'show', 'feel', 'like', 'driving', 'car', 'leaf', 'woman', 'cooking', 'egg', 'kitchen', 'husband', 'come', 'running']",93
I'm taking steps to avoid them.,36m1a3,5764,I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.,"['taking', 'step', 'avoid']","['recently', 'developed', 'severe', 'phobia', 'elevator']","['taking', 'step', 'avoid', 'recently', 'developed', 'severe', 'phobia', 'elevator']",8
He should've watched the trailer.,4s6igx,5762,Shame about the Tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie.,"['watched', 'trailer']","['shame', 'tesla', 'driver', 'crashed', 'watching', 'movie']","['watched', 'trailer', 'shame', 'tesla', 'driver', 'crashed', 'watching', 'movie']",8
"I said, is that a fret?",4i439i,5736,Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....,"['said', 'fret']","['bloke', 'told', 'gon', 'na', 'smack', 'neck', 'guitar']","['said', 'fret', 'bloke', 'told', 'gon', 'na', 'smack', 'neck', 'guitar']",9
"A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. 

A cop pulled up and said, ""I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."" 

The wasted man asked, ""Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"" 

""Yeah buddy, I'm sure,"" said the cop, ""Let's go."" 

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, ""Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled.""",2yc978,5729,are you sure I'm drunk?,"['completely', 'inebriated', 'man', 'stumbling', 'street', 'one', 'foot', 'curb', 'one', 'foot', 'gutter', 'cop', 'pulled', 'said', 'got', 'take', 'pal', 'obviously', 'drunk', 'wasted', 'man', 'asked', 'officer', 'absolutely', 'sure', 'drunk', 'yeah', 'buddy', 'sure', 'said', 'cop', 'let', 'go', 'breathing', 'sigh', 'relief', 'wino', 'said', 'thank', 'goodness', 'thought', 'crippled']","['sure', 'drunk']","['completely', 'inebriated', 'man', 'stumbling', 'street', 'one', 'foot', 'curb', 'one', 'foot', 'gutter', 'cop', 'pulled', 'said', 'got', 'take', 'pal', 'obviously', 'drunk', 'wasted', 'man', 'asked', 'officer', 'absolutely', 'sure', 'drunk', 'yeah', 'buddy', 'sure', 'said', 'cop', 'let', 'go', 'breathing', 'sigh', 'relief', 'wino', 'said', 'thank', 'goodness', 'thought', 'crippled', 'sure', 'drunk']",44
"They pass a gay bar and one condom says to the other ""hey, do you wanna get shit-faced?""",39x3hz,5724,Two condoms are walking down the street...,"['pas', 'gay', 'bar', 'one', 'condom', 'say', 'hey', 'wan', 'na', 'get']","['two', 'condom', 'walking', 'street']","['pas', 'gay', 'bar', 'one', 'condom', 'say', 'hey', 'wan', 'na', 'get', 'two', 'condom', 'walking', 'street']",14
"My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.  
  
I said ""back in '09"". It sounds much better than saying September.",3s9xb3,5722,My girlfriend of 5 years asked me...,"['girlfriend', 'year', 'asked', 'last', 'time', 'sex', 'someone', 'said', 'back', 'sound', 'much', 'better', 'saying', 'september']","['girlfriend', 'year', 'asked']","['girlfriend', 'year', 'asked', 'last', 'time', 'sex', 'someone', 'said', 'back', 'sound', 'much', 'better', 'saying', 'september', 'girlfriend', 'year', 'asked']",17
"A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, 
""God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.""

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, ""I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.""

The next day grandpa died. 
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, 
""God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.""

The next day the grandmother died.

""Holy crap"" thought the father, ""this kid is in contact with the other side.""

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, ""God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.""

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. 

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. 
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, 
""I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?""

He said, ""I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.""

She said, ""You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting..",3ylom3,5721,A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed....,"['father', 'put', 'old', 'daughter', 'bed', 'told', 'story', 'listened', 'prayer', 'ended', 'saying', 'god', 'bless', 'mommy', 'god', 'bless', 'daddy', 'god', 'bless', 'grandma', 'grandpa', 'father', 'asked', 'say', 'grandpa', 'little', 'girl', 'said', 'know', 'daddy', 'seemed', 'like', 'thing', 'next', 'day', 'grandpa', 'died', 'father', 'thought', 'strange', 'coincidence', 'month', 'later', 'father', 'put', 'girl', 'bed', 'listened', 'prayer', 'went', 'like', 'god', 'bless', 'mommy', 'god', 'bless', 'daddy', 'grandma', 'next', 'day', 'grandmother', 'died', 'holy', 'crap', 'thought', 'father', 'kid', 'contact', 'side', 'several', 'week', 'later', 'girl', 'going', 'bed', 'dad', 'heard', 'say', 'god', 'bless', 'mommy', 'daddy', 'practically', 'went', 'shock', 'could', 'sleep', 'night', 'got', 'crack', 'dawn', 'go', 'office', 'nervous', 'cat', 'day', 'lunch', 'watched', 'clock', 'figured', 'could', 'get', 'midnight', 'would', 'okay', 'felt', 'safe', 'office', 'instead', 'going', 'home', 'end', 'day', 'stayed', 'drinking', 'coffee', 'looking', 'watch', 'jumping', 'every', 'sound', 'finally', 'midnight', 'arrived', 'breathed', 'sigh', 'relief', 'went', 'home', 'got', 'home', 'wife', 'said', 'never', 'seen', 'work', 'late', 'matter', 'said', 'want', 'talk', 'spent', 'worst', 'day', 'life', 'said', 'think', 'bad', 'day', 'never', 'believe', 'happened', 'morning', 'bos', 'died', 'middle', 'meeting']","['father', 'put', 'year', 'old', 'daughter', 'bed']","['father', 'put', 'old', 'daughter', 'bed', 'told', 'story', 'listened', 'prayer', 'ended', 'saying', 'god', 'bless', 'mommy', 'god', 'bless', 'daddy', 'god', 'bless', 'grandma', 'grandpa', 'father', 'asked', 'say', 'grandpa', 'little', 'girl', 'said', 'know', 'daddy', 'seemed', 'like', 'thing', 'next', 'day', 'grandpa', 'died', 'father', 'thought', 'strange', 'coincidence', 'month', 'later', 'father', 'put', 'girl', 'bed', 'listened', 'prayer', 'went', 'like', 'god', 'bless', 'mommy', 'god', 'bless', 'daddy', 'grandma', 'next', 'day', 'grandmother', 'died', 'holy', 'crap', 'thought', 'father', 'kid', 'contact', 'side', 'several', 'week', 'later', 'girl', 'going', 'bed', 'dad', 'heard', 'say', 'god', 'bless', 'mommy', 'daddy', 'practically', 'went', 'shock', 'could', 'sleep', 'night', 'got', 'crack', 'dawn', 'go', 'office', 'nervous', 'cat', 'day', 'lunch', 'watched', 'clock', 'figured', 'could', 'get', 'midnight', 'would', 'okay', 'felt', 'safe', 'office', 'instead', 'going', 'home', 'end', 'day', 'stayed', 'drinking', 'coffee', 'looking', 'watch', 'jumping', 'every', 'sound', 'finally', 'midnight', 'arrived', 'breathed', 'sigh', 'relief', 'went', 'home', 'got', 'home', 'wife', 'said', 'never', 'seen', 'work', 'late', 'matter', 'said', 'want', 'talk', 'spent', 'worst', 'day', 'life', 'said', 'think', 'bad', 'day', 'never', 'believe', 'happened', 'morning', 'bos', 'died', 'middle', 'meeting', 'father', 'put', 'year', 'old', 'daughter', 'bed']",163
"A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. 

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. 

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. 
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, ""I hope you 
don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?""

""About 35,"" was the reply. 

""I'm actually 47,"" the woman said, feeling really happy. 

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order 
taker the same question. He replied, ""Oh, you look about 29."" 

""I am actually 47!"" she said, feeling really good. 

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. 
He replied, ""I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I 
was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my 
hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.""

There was no one around, so the woman said, ""What the hell?"" and let 
him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, ""OK, You are 47.""

Stunned, the woman said, ""That was brilliant! How did you do that?"" 

The old man replied, ""I was behind you in line at McDonalds.""",2dvyr7,5721,How old do you think I am?,"['woman', 'decided', 'face', 'lift', 'birthday', 'spent', 'felt', 'really', 'good', 'result', 'way', 'home', 'stopped', 'dress', 'shop', 'look', 'around', 'leaving', 'said', 'sale', 'clerk', 'hope', 'mind', 'asking', 'old', 'think', 'reply', 'actually', 'woman', 'said', 'feeling', 'really', 'happy', 'went', 'mcdonalds', 'lunch', 'asked', 'order', 'taker', 'question', 'replied', 'oh', 'look', 'actually', 'said', 'feeling', 'really', 'good', 'standing', 'bus', 'stop', 'asked', 'old', 'man', 'question', 'replied', 'year', 'old', 'eyesight', 'going', 'young', 'sure', 'way', 'telling', 'woman', 'age', 'put', 'hand', 'skirt', 'able', 'tell', 'exact', 'age', 'one', 'around', 'woman', 'said', 'hell', 'let', 'slip', 'hand', 'skirt', 'feeling', 'around', 'old', 'man', 'said', 'ok', 'stunned', 'woman', 'said', 'brilliant', 'old', 'man', 'replied', 'behind', 'line', 'mcdonalds']","['old', 'think']","['woman', 'decided', 'face', 'lift', 'birthday', 'spent', 'felt', 'really', 'good', 'result', 'way', 'home', 'stopped', 'dress', 'shop', 'look', 'around', 'leaving', 'said', 'sale', 'clerk', 'hope', 'mind', 'asking', 'old', 'think', 'reply', 'actually', 'woman', 'said', 'feeling', 'really', 'happy', 'went', 'mcdonalds', 'lunch', 'asked', 'order', 'taker', 'question', 'replied', 'oh', 'look', 'actually', 'said', 'feeling', 'really', 'good', 'standing', 'bus', 'stop', 'asked', 'old', 'man', 'question', 'replied', 'year', 'old', 'eyesight', 'going', 'young', 'sure', 'way', 'telling', 'woman', 'age', 'put', 'hand', 'skirt', 'able', 'tell', 'exact', 'age', 'one', 'around', 'woman', 'said', 'hell', 'let', 'slip', 'hand', 'skirt', 'feeling', 'around', 'old', 'man', 'said', 'ok', 'stunned', 'woman', 'said', 'brilliant', 'old', 'man', 'replied', 'behind', 'line', 'mcdonalds', 'old', 'think']",100
It's a perfect 5/7.,40o86h,5712,Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie?,['perfect'],"['empire', 'strike', 'back', 'best', 'star', 'war', 'movie']","['perfect', 'empire', 'strike', 'back', 'best', 'star', 'war', 'movie']",8
"I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought ""that's mine"" 

Then I realized mine is at home, polishing my shoes",4jyfbi,5711,I'm not racist but..,"['saw', 'black', 'guy', 'running', 'street', 'tv', 'thought', 'mine', 'realized', 'mine', 'home', 'polishing', 'shoe']",['racist'],"['saw', 'black', 'guy', 'running', 'street', 'tv', 'thought', 'mine', 'realized', 'mine', 'home', 'polishing', 'shoe', 'racist']",14
"If we don't get support soon, people will think we are nuts.",2s29js,5711,What did one saggy boob say to the other?,"['get', 'support', 'soon', 'people', 'think', 'nut']","['one', 'saggy', 'boob', 'say']","['get', 'support', 'soon', 'people', 'think', 'nut', 'one', 'saggy', 'boob', 'say']",10
"He said, ""I was a brick layer for 20 years and no one called me 'Randy the brick layer.' 

Then I farmed for 25 year and no one called me 'Randy the farmer.'

But you fuck just one goat.",4gh7q0,5698,My great Grandpa Randy was a brick layer...,"['said', 'brick', 'layer', 'year', 'one', 'called', 'brick', 'layer', 'farmed', 'year', 'one', 'called', 'farmer', 'fuck', 'one', 'goat']","['great', 'grandpa', 'randy', 'brick', 'layer']","['said', 'brick', 'layer', 'year', 'one', 'called', 'brick', 'layer', 'farmed', 'year', 'one', 'called', 'farmer', 'fuck', 'one', 'goat', 'great', 'grandpa', 'randy', 'brick', 'layer']",21
You have my word,2z80l6,5687,"Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you...",['word'],"['whoever', 'stole', 'microsoft', 'office', 'coming']","['word', 'whoever', 'stole', 'microsoft', 'office', 'coming']",6
"Booze 
",4kz00g,5686,What's a comedians least favorite drink?,['booze'],"['comedian', 'least', 'favorite', 'drink']","['booze', 'comedian', 'least', 'favorite', 'drink']",5
"3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The strongest one started 1st,

""watch this,"" He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour.
After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.
""what happened?"" they asked.
""did you see that house over there?""
""yes?""
""well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!""
""wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire""

Then the eldest one takes the next turn
""watch and learn,"" he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour.
After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck.
""what happened??"" they asked.
""did you see that village over there?""
""ye..yes?""
""well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!""
""wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!""

Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one,
""don't blink or you'll miss it"" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour.
After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose.
""wh..what happened???"" they asked.
""did you see that big ass tree over there?""
""ye..yes?!""
""well.. I didn't""",2qph5b,5685,One of the funniest vampire jokes,"['vampire', 'competition', 'prove', 'vicious', 'vampire', 'amongst', 'strongest', 'one', 'started', 'watch', 'said', 'fly', 'fast', 'minute', 'come', 'back', 'blood', 'mouth', 'happened', 'asked', 'see', 'house', 'yes', 'well', 'killed', 'entire', 'family', 'sucked', 'blood', 'dry', 'wow', 'fascinating', 'expected', 'strongest', 'vampire', 'eldest', 'one', 'take', 'next', 'turn', 'watch', 'learn', 'said', 'fly', 'even', 'faster', 'minute', 'come', 'back', 'blood', 'mouth', 'neck', 'happened', 'asked', 'see', 'village', 'ye', 'yes', 'well', 'killed', 'every', 'last', 'person', 'village', 'sucked', 'blood', 'dry', 'wow', 'magnificent', 'truly', 'amazing', 'expect', 'le', 'eldest', 'one', 'finally', 'last', 'turn', 'belongs', 'fastest', 'one', 'blink', 'miss', 'said', 'fly', 'really', 'fast', 'even', 'faster', 'two', 'mere', 'second', 'come', 'back', 'blood', 'mouth', 'neck', 'nose', 'wh', 'happened', 'asked', 'see', 'big', 'as', 'tree', 'ye', 'yes', 'well']","['one', 'funniest', 'vampire', 'joke']","['vampire', 'competition', 'prove', 'vicious', 'vampire', 'amongst', 'strongest', 'one', 'started', 'watch', 'said', 'fly', 'fast', 'minute', 'come', 'back', 'blood', 'mouth', 'happened', 'asked', 'see', 'house', 'yes', 'well', 'killed', 'entire', 'family', 'sucked', 'blood', 'dry', 'wow', 'fascinating', 'expected', 'strongest', 'vampire', 'eldest', 'one', 'take', 'next', 'turn', 'watch', 'learn', 'said', 'fly', 'even', 'faster', 'minute', 'come', 'back', 'blood', 'mouth', 'neck', 'happened', 'asked', 'see', 'village', 'ye', 'yes', 'well', 'killed', 'every', 'last', 'person', 'village', 'sucked', 'blood', 'dry', 'wow', 'magnificent', 'truly', 'amazing', 'expect', 'le', 'eldest', 'one', 'finally', 'last', 'turn', 'belongs', 'fastest', 'one', 'blink', 'miss', 'said', 'fly', 'really', 'fast', 'even', 'faster', 'two', 'mere', 'second', 'come', 'back', 'blood', 'mouth', 'neck', 'nose', 'wh', 'happened', 'asked', 'see', 'big', 'as', 'tree', 'ye', 'yes', 'well', 'one', 'funniest', 'vampire', 'joke']",112
"The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

""Well,"" he said, ""I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's ""the"" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.""

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. 

The girl leans over and says, ""You never told me that you were such a religious person."" He leans over to her and whispers, ""You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.""

Edit: My second consecutive post to hit over 1000 upvotes! Thanks everyone. I'm so happy right now! 

Edit 2: 3000+!!!!!!!!!!!",3gjaif,5682,A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.,"['pharmacist', 'say', 'condom', 'come', 'pack', 'asks', 'young', 'man', 'want', 'well', 'said', 'seeing', 'girl', 'really', 'hot', 'want', 'condom', 'think', 'tonight', 'night', 'dinner', 'parent', 'going', 'got', 'feeling', 'gon', 'na', 'get', 'lucky', 'want', 'time', 'better', 'give', 'pack', 'young', 'man', 'make', 'purchase', 'leaf', 'later', 'evening', 'sits', 'dinner', 'girlfriend', 'parent', 'asks', 'might', 'give', 'blessing', 'agree', 'begin', 'prayer', 'continues', 'praying', 'several', 'minute', 'girl', 'lean', 'say', 'never', 'told', 'religious', 'person', 'lean', 'whisper', 'never', 'told', 'father', 'pharmacist', 'edit', 'second', 'consecutive', 'post', 'hit', 'upvotes', 'thanks', 'everyone', 'happy', 'right', 'edit']","['young', 'man', 'go', 'drugstore', 'buy', 'condom']","['pharmacist', 'say', 'condom', 'come', 'pack', 'asks', 'young', 'man', 'want', 'well', 'said', 'seeing', 'girl', 'really', 'hot', 'want', 'condom', 'think', 'tonight', 'night', 'dinner', 'parent', 'going', 'got', 'feeling', 'gon', 'na', 'get', 'lucky', 'want', 'time', 'better', 'give', 'pack', 'young', 'man', 'make', 'purchase', 'leaf', 'later', 'evening', 'sits', 'dinner', 'girlfriend', 'parent', 'asks', 'might', 'give', 'blessing', 'agree', 'begin', 'prayer', 'continues', 'praying', 'several', 'minute', 'girl', 'lean', 'say', 'never', 'told', 'religious', 'person', 'lean', 'whisper', 'never', 'told', 'father', 'pharmacist', 'edit', 'second', 'consecutive', 'post', 'hit', 'upvotes', 'thanks', 'everyone', 'happy', 'right', 'edit', 'young', 'man', 'go', 'drugstore', 'buy', 'condom']",86
"When does a Pentagon have only 4 sides? 

When it is intercepted by a plane.",2yqi0y,5673,Worst Geometry Joke I Know,"['pentagon', 'side', 'intercepted', 'plane']","['worst', 'geometry', 'joke', 'know']","['pentagon', 'side', 'intercepted', 'plane', 'worst', 'geometry', 'joke', 'know']",8
So he can fit in his spaceship.,3ys65r,5670,What's E.T. short for?,"['fit', 'spaceship']",['short'],"['fit', 'spaceship', 'short']",3
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think,2mhauz,5666,I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts,"['keyboard', 'manufacturing', 'easy', 'think']","['fired', 'work', 'putting', 'many', 'shift']","['keyboard', 'manufacturing', 'easy', 'think', 'fired', 'work', 'putting', 'many', 'shift']",9
"The Camelot. 

PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment

Edit: Went to class, came back, saw this. Me and my cat are thoroughly pleased.",3pun9a,5659,Where would you park your camel?,"['camelot', 'p', 'booze', 'helped', 'laughing', 'alone', 'apartment', 'edit', 'went', 'class', 'came', 'back', 'saw', 'cat', 'thoroughly', 'pleased']","['would', 'park', 'camel']","['camelot', 'p', 'booze', 'helped', 'laughing', 'alone', 'apartment', 'edit', 'went', 'class', 'came', 'back', 'saw', 'cat', 'thoroughly', 'pleased', 'would', 'park', 'camel']",19
"She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.",2gnsoy,5646,My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.,"['think', 'following', 'even', 'stalking', 'worried', 'may', 'obsessed', 'time', 'hears', 'noise', 'house', 'purified', 'oh', 'wait', 'petrified', 'sorry', 'easy', 'reading', 'diary', 'binoculars', 'tree']","['attractive', 'female', 'neighbor', 'completely', 'paranoid']","['think', 'following', 'even', 'stalking', 'worried', 'may', 'obsessed', 'time', 'hears', 'noise', 'house', 'purified', 'oh', 'wait', 'petrified', 'sorry', 'easy', 'reading', 'diary', 'binoculars', 'tree', 'attractive', 'female', 'neighbor', 'completely', 'paranoid']",26
"None, because they can't climb the ladder.

*Edit: Wasn't my joke, it was a friends but I can't credit him since I don't know his account name*",2zwm28,5644,How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?,"['none', 'ca', 'climb', 'ladder', 'edit', 'joke', 'friend', 'ca', 'credit', 'since', 'know', 'account', 'name']","['many', 'mcdonalds', 'worker', 'take', 'change', 'lightbulb']","['none', 'ca', 'climb', 'ladder', 'edit', 'joke', 'friend', 'ca', 'credit', 'since', 'know', 'account', 'name', 'many', 'mcdonalds', 'worker', 'take', 'change', 'lightbulb']",19
The pot was calling the cattle back,4jq69b,5639,Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?,"['pot', 'calling', 'cattle', 'back']","['cow', 'come', 'back', 'marijuana', 'field']","['pot', 'calling', 'cattle', 'back', 'cow', 'come', 'back', 'marijuana', 'field']",9
"
So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ""Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?""

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.",2uvhny,5634,Parking Tickets,"['day', 'went', 'supermarket', 'literally', 'minute', 'came', 'motorcycle', 'cop', 'writing', 'parking', 'ticket', 'went', 'said', 'come', 'buddy', 'giving', 'guy', 'break', 'ignored', 'continued', 'writing', 'ticket', 'called', 'nazi', 'lover', 'glared', 'started', 'writing', 'another', 'ticket', 'worn', 'tire', 'asked', 'psychiatrist', 'make', 'lie', 'face', 'couch', 'cause', 'ugly', 'finished', 'second', 'ticket', 'put', 'windshield', 'first', 'started', 'writing', 'third', 'ticket', 'went', 'minute', 'insulted', 'ticket', 'wrote', 'care', 'car', 'parked', 'around', 'corner']","['parking', 'ticket']","['day', 'went', 'supermarket', 'literally', 'minute', 'came', 'motorcycle', 'cop', 'writing', 'parking', 'ticket', 'went', 'said', 'come', 'buddy', 'giving', 'guy', 'break', 'ignored', 'continued', 'writing', 'ticket', 'called', 'nazi', 'lover', 'glared', 'started', 'writing', 'another', 'ticket', 'worn', 'tire', 'asked', 'psychiatrist', 'make', 'lie', 'face', 'couch', 'cause', 'ugly', 'finished', 'second', 'ticket', 'put', 'windshield', 'first', 'started', 'writing', 'third', 'ticket', 'went', 'minute', 'insulted', 'ticket', 'wrote', 'care', 'car', 'parked', 'around', 'corner', 'parking', 'ticket']",62
I thought he didn't care about the 1%,440nu1,5631,Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa?,"['thought', 'care']","['bernie', 'sander', 'challenging', 'v', 'loss', 'iowa']","['thought', 'care', 'bernie', 'sander', 'challenging', 'v', 'loss', 'iowa']",8
My family takes monopoly way too seriously.,3tlwcy,5630,I almost got raped in jail ...,"['family', 'take', 'monopoly', 'way', 'seriously']","['almost', 'got', 'raped', 'jail']","['family', 'take', 'monopoly', 'way', 'seriously', 'almost', 'got', 'raped', 'jail']",9
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.,42uw0i,5626,I was given MDMA and LSD tonight...,"['shit', 'way', 'start', 'game', 'scrabble']","['given', 'mdma', 'lsd', 'tonight']","['shit', 'way', 'start', 'game', 'scrabble', 'given', 'mdma', 'lsd', 'tonight']",9
"In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

 So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, ""How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, ""Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we are friends.""",3q5izp,5620,A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus....,"['crowded', 'city', 'busy', 'bus', 'stop', 'woman', 'waiting', 'bus', 'wearing', 'tight', 'leather', 'skirt', 'bus', 'stopped', 'turn', 'get', 'became', 'aware', 'skirt', 'tight', 'allow', 'leg', 'come', 'height', 'first', 'step', 'bus', 'slightly', 'embarrassed', 'quick', 'smile', 'bus', 'driver', 'reached', 'behind', 'unzip', 'skirt', 'little', 'thinking', 'would', 'give', 'enough', 'slack', 'raise', 'leg', 'tried', 'make', 'step', 'discover', 'still', 'could', 'little', 'embarrassed', 'reached', 'behind', 'unzip', 'skirt', 'little', 'second', 'time', 'attempted', 'step', 'much', 'chagrin', 'could', 'raise', 'leg', 'little', 'smile', 'driver', 'reached', 'behind', 'unzip', 'little', 'unable', 'make', 'step', 'time', 'large', 'texan', 'standing', 'behind', 'picked', 'easily', 'waist', 'placed', 'gently', 'step', 'bus', 'went', 'ballistic', 'turned', 'samaritan', 'screeched', 'dare', 'touch', 'body', 'even', 'know', 'texan', 'smiled', 'drawled', 'well', 'normally', 'would', 'agree', 'unzipped', 'fly', 'three', 'time', 'kinda', 'figured', 'friend']","['girl', 'tight', 'skirt', 'try', 'get', 'bus']","['crowded', 'city', 'busy', 'bus', 'stop', 'woman', 'waiting', 'bus', 'wearing', 'tight', 'leather', 'skirt', 'bus', 'stopped', 'turn', 'get', 'became', 'aware', 'skirt', 'tight', 'allow', 'leg', 'come', 'height', 'first', 'step', 'bus', 'slightly', 'embarrassed', 'quick', 'smile', 'bus', 'driver', 'reached', 'behind', 'unzip', 'skirt', 'little', 'thinking', 'would', 'give', 'enough', 'slack', 'raise', 'leg', 'tried', 'make', 'step', 'discover', 'still', 'could', 'little', 'embarrassed', 'reached', 'behind', 'unzip', 'skirt', 'little', 'second', 'time', 'attempted', 'step', 'much', 'chagrin', 'could', 'raise', 'leg', 'little', 'smile', 'driver', 'reached', 'behind', 'unzip', 'little', 'unable', 'make', 'step', 'time', 'large', 'texan', 'standing', 'behind', 'picked', 'easily', 'waist', 'placed', 'gently', 'step', 'bus', 'went', 'ballistic', 'turned', 'samaritan', 'screeched', 'dare', 'touch', 'body', 'even', 'know', 'texan', 'smiled', 'drawled', 'well', 'normally', 'would', 'agree', 'unzipped', 'fly', 'three', 'time', 'kinda', 'figured', 'friend', 'girl', 'tight', 'skirt', 'try', 'get', 'bus']",119
"
A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex. 

 A hospital spokesman replied: ""Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"" ",3qf8d7,5612,Sex after Surgery,"['recent', 'article', 'dominion', 'post', 'reported', 'woman', 'sued', 'wellington', 'hospital', 'saying', 'husband', 'surgery', 'lost', 'interest', 'sex', 'hospital', 'spokesman', 'replied', 'husband', 'admitted', 'cataract', 'surgery', 'correct', 'eyesight']","['sex', 'surgery']","['recent', 'article', 'dominion', 'post', 'reported', 'woman', 'sued', 'wellington', 'hospital', 'saying', 'husband', 'surgery', 'lost', 'interest', 'sex', 'hospital', 'spokesman', 'replied', 'husband', 'admitted', 'cataract', 'surgery', 'correct', 'eyesight', 'sex', 'surgery']",26
"A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says ""I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke."" So the guy says ""A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says ""I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke."" So the guy says ""A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says ""I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a good joke."" So the guy says ""What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man."" So the bartender gives him a free beer."" So the bartender gives him a free beer."" So the bartender gives him a free beer.",2q7fb1,5610,Multi-level Meta Joke,"['guy', 'walk', 'bar', 'asks', 'bartender', 'free', 'drink', 'bartender', 'say', 'give', 'free', 'drink', 'tell', 'meta', 'joke', 'guy', 'say', 'guy', 'walk', 'bar', 'asks', 'bartender', 'free', 'drink', 'bartender', 'say', 'give', 'free', 'drink', 'tell', 'meta', 'joke', 'guy', 'say', 'guy', 'walk', 'bar', 'asks', 'bartender', 'free', 'drink', 'bartender', 'say', 'give', 'free', 'drink', 'tell', 'good', 'joke', 'guy', 'say', 'see', 'spaceman', 'park', 'man', 'bartender', 'give', 'free', 'beer', 'bartender', 'give', 'free', 'beer', 'bartender', 'give', 'free', 'beer']","['meta', 'joke']","['guy', 'walk', 'bar', 'asks', 'bartender', 'free', 'drink', 'bartender', 'say', 'give', 'free', 'drink', 'tell', 'meta', 'joke', 'guy', 'say', 'guy', 'walk', 'bar', 'asks', 'bartender', 'free', 'drink', 'bartender', 'say', 'give', 'free', 'drink', 'tell', 'meta', 'joke', 'guy', 'say', 'guy', 'walk', 'bar', 'asks', 'bartender', 'free', 'drink', 'bartender', 'say', 'give', 'free', 'drink', 'tell', 'good', 'joke', 'guy', 'say', 'see', 'spaceman', 'park', 'man', 'bartender', 'give', 'free', 'beer', 'bartender', 'give', 'free', 'beer', 'bartender', 'give', 'free', 'beer', 'meta', 'joke']",69
The police are pretty upset about it.,3twii6,5582,I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old,"['police', 'pretty', 'upset']",['body'],"['police', 'pretty', 'upset', 'body']",4
"I guess that's why they call me handsome...

Edit: front page! Everyone hating on my joke can suck it",2zh60j,5573,When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom,"['guess', 'call', 'handsome', 'edit', 'front', 'page', 'everyone', 'hating', 'joke', 'suck']","['people', 'sex', 'called', 'twosome', 'people', 'called', 'threesom']","['guess', 'call', 'handsome', 'edit', 'front', 'page', 'everyone', 'hating', 'joke', 'suck', 'people', 'sex', 'called', 'twosome', 'people', 'called', 'threesom']",17
"He tells the mechanic, ""hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage."" The mechanic says, ""my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you."" The priest returns the following day, and he says, ""well, how is it?"" The mechanic says, ""we found the issue. it was a loose oil filter, and it won't be leaking again because I screwed it in tighter than a nun's cunt."" Solemnly, the priest looks the mechanic dead in the eye, and says, ""better give it another quarter turn.""",47p2uo,5570,A priest goes to the mechanic,"['tell', 'mechanic', 'hey', 'brought', 'car', 'last', 'week', 'since', 'guy', 'worked', 'leaking', 'oil', 'garage', 'mechanic', 'say', 'apology', 'father', 'make', 'sure', 'get', 'right', 'time', 'come', 'back', 'tomorrow', 'priest', 'return', 'following', 'day', 'say', 'well', 'mechanic', 'say', 'found', 'issue', 'loose', 'oil', 'filter', 'wo', 'leaking', 'screwed', 'tighter', 'nun', 'cunt', 'solemnly', 'priest', 'look', 'mechanic', 'dead', 'eye', 'say', 'better', 'give', 'another', 'quarter', 'turn']","['priest', 'go', 'mechanic']","['tell', 'mechanic', 'hey', 'brought', 'car', 'last', 'week', 'since', 'guy', 'worked', 'leaking', 'oil', 'garage', 'mechanic', 'say', 'apology', 'father', 'make', 'sure', 'get', 'right', 'time', 'come', 'back', 'tomorrow', 'priest', 'return', 'following', 'day', 'say', 'well', 'mechanic', 'say', 'found', 'issue', 'loose', 'oil', 'filter', 'wo', 'leaking', 'screwed', 'tighter', 'nun', 'cunt', 'solemnly', 'priest', 'look', 'mechanic', 'dead', 'eye', 'say', 'better', 'give', 'another', 'quarter', 'turn', 'priest', 'go', 'mechanic']",59
My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want,3boy3k,5568,My black friend asked me...,"['black', 'friend', 'asked', 'colored', 'printer', 'library', 'said', 'wtf', 'man', 'use', 'whatever', 'printer', 'want']","['black', 'friend', 'asked']","['black', 'friend', 'asked', 'colored', 'printer', 'library', 'said', 'wtf', 'man', 'use', 'whatever', 'printer', 'want', 'black', 'friend', 'asked']",16
A piiig,32jxbt,5555,"""You want to see a pig with three eyes?""",['piiig'],"['want', 'see', 'pig', 'three', 'eye']","['piiig', 'want', 'see', 'pig', 'three', 'eye']",6
Because tea leaves.,4py5u5,5552,Why does Britain like tea so much?,"['tea', 'leaf']","['britain', 'like', 'tea', 'much']","['tea', 'leaf', 'britain', 'like', 'tea', 'much']",6
How mean.,33vus6,5540,My math teacher called me average...,['mean'],"['math', 'teacher', 'called', 'average']","['mean', 'math', 'teacher', 'called', 'average']",5
I had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep.,2jwffg,5523,Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch.,"['explain', 'married', 'sleep']","['tonight', 'friend', 'asked', 'could', 'crash', 'couch']","['explain', 'married', 'sleep', 'tonight', 'friend', 'asked', 'could', 'crash', 'couch']",9
I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet. ,53davz,5522,"A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said ""Free Candy"" on the side.","['told', 'would', 'pointless', 'target', 'demographic', 'ca', 'read', 'yet']","['coworker', 'told', 'pedophile', 'said', 'probably', 'van', 'said', 'free', 'candy', 'side']","['told', 'would', 'pointless', 'target', 'demographic', 'ca', 'read', 'yet', 'coworker', 'told', 'pedophile', 'said', 'probably', 'van', 'said', 'free', 'candy', 'side']",18
"This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, ""Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

""What do you mean?"" asked his wife.

""Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.",2syggy,5514,Don't fart in the bed... (favorite joke),"['story', 'couple', 'happily', 'married', 'year', 'friction', 'marriage', 'husband', 'habit', 'farting', 'loudly', 'every', 'morning', 'awoke', 'noise', 'would', 'wake', 'wife', 'smell', 'would', 'make', 'eye', 'water', 'make', 'gasp', 'air', 'every', 'morning', 'would', 'plead', 'stop', 'ripping', 'making', 'sick', 'told', 'could', 'stop', 'perfectly', 'natural', 'told', 'see', 'doctor', 'concerned', 'one', 'day', 'would', 'blow', 'gut', 'year', 'went', 'continued', 'rip', 'one', 'thanksgiving', 'morning', 'preparing', 'turkey', 'dinner', 'upstairs', 'sound', 'asleep', 'looked', 'bowl', 'put', 'turkey', 'innards', 'neck', 'gizzard', 'liver', 'spare', 'part', 'malicious', 'thought', 'came', 'took', 'bowl', 'went', 'upstairs', 'husband', 'sound', 'asleep', 'gently', 'pulling', 'back', 'bed', 'cover', 'pulled', 'back', 'elastic', 'waistband', 'underpants', 'emptied', 'bowl', 'turkey', 'gut', 'short', 'time', 'later', 'heard', 'husband', 'waken', 'usual', 'trumpeting', 'followed', 'blood', 'curdling', 'scream', 'sound', 'frantic', 'footstep', 'ran', 'bathroom', 'wife', 'could', 'hardly', 'control', 'rolled', 'floor', 'laughing', 'tear', 'eye', 'year', 'torture', 'reckoned', 'got', 'back', 'pretty', 'good', 'twenty', 'minute', 'later', 'husband', 'came', 'downstairs', 'bloodstained', 'underpants', 'look', 'horror', 'face', 'bit', 'lip', 'asked', 'matter', 'said', 'honey', 'right', 'year', 'warned', 'listen', 'mean', 'asked', 'wife', 'well', 'always', 'told', 'one', 'day', 'would', 'end', 'farting', 'gut', 'today', 'finally', 'happened', 'grace', 'god', 'vaseline', 'two', 'finger', 'think', 'got', 'back']","['fart', 'bed', 'favorite', 'joke']","['story', 'couple', 'happily', 'married', 'year', 'friction', 'marriage', 'husband', 'habit', 'farting', 'loudly', 'every', 'morning', 'awoke', 'noise', 'would', 'wake', 'wife', 'smell', 'would', 'make', 'eye', 'water', 'make', 'gasp', 'air', 'every', 'morning', 'would', 'plead', 'stop', 'ripping', 'making', 'sick', 'told', 'could', 'stop', 'perfectly', 'natural', 'told', 'see', 'doctor', 'concerned', 'one', 'day', 'would', 'blow', 'gut', 'year', 'went', 'continued', 'rip', 'one', 'thanksgiving', 'morning', 'preparing', 'turkey', 'dinner', 'upstairs', 'sound', 'asleep', 'looked', 'bowl', 'put', 'turkey', 'innards', 'neck', 'gizzard', 'liver', 'spare', 'part', 'malicious', 'thought', 'came', 'took', 'bowl', 'went', 'upstairs', 'husband', 'sound', 'asleep', 'gently', 'pulling', 'back', 'bed', 'cover', 'pulled', 'back', 'elastic', 'waistband', 'underpants', 'emptied', 'bowl', 'turkey', 'gut', 'short', 'time', 'later', 'heard', 'husband', 'waken', 'usual', 'trumpeting', 'followed', 'blood', 'curdling', 'scream', 'sound', 'frantic', 'footstep', 'ran', 'bathroom', 'wife', 'could', 'hardly', 'control', 'rolled', 'floor', 'laughing', 'tear', 'eye', 'year', 'torture', 'reckoned', 'got', 'back', 'pretty', 'good', 'twenty', 'minute', 'later', 'husband', 'came', 'downstairs', 'bloodstained', 'underpants', 'look', 'horror', 'face', 'bit', 'lip', 'asked', 'matter', 'said', 'honey', 'right', 'year', 'warned', 'listen', 'mean', 'asked', 'wife', 'well', 'always', 'told', 'one', 'day', 'would', 'end', 'farting', 'gut', 'today', 'finally', 'happened', 'grace', 'god', 'vaseline', 'two', 'finger', 'think', 'got', 'back', 'fart', 'bed', 'favorite', 'joke']",176
"She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
""What's the matter, dear?"" she whispers as she steps into the room.... ""Why are you down here at this time of night!?""
The husband looks up from his drink, ""It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.""
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, ""Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,"" he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. ""Yes, I do"" she replies.
The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily.
""Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?""
""Yes, I remember"" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. ""Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?""
""I remember that, too"" she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, ""I would have gotten out today.""


Edit: wow front page, glad you guys liked it.



Edit 2:Just so people know. The couple met, had sex, and were married all on the same day. Its a joke so it doesn't matter if its unrealistic.",2af3ta,5513,A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed.,"['put', 'robe', 'go', 'downstairs', 'look', 'find', 'sitting', 'kitchen', 'table', 'cup', 'hot', 'cocoa', 'front', 'appears', 'deep', 'thought', 'staring', 'wall', 'watch', 'wipe', 'away', 'tear', 'eye', 'matter', 'dear', 'whisper', 'step', 'room', 'time', 'night', 'husband', 'look', 'drink', 'anniversary', 'day', 'met', 'ca', 'believe', 'remembered', 'start', 'tear', 'husband', 'continues', 'remember', 'year', 'ago', 'started', 'dating', 'said', 'solemnly', 'wife', 'touched', 'tear', 'thinking', 'husband', 'caring', 'sensitive', 'yes', 'reply', 'husband', 'pause', 'word', 'coming', 'easily', 'remember', 'father', 'caught', 'u', 'back', 'seat', 'car', 'yes', 'remember', 'said', 'wife', 'lowering', 'chair', 'beside', 'husband', 'continued', 'remember', 'shoved', 'shotgun', 'face', 'said', 'either', 'marry', 'daughter', 'make', 'sure', 'spend', 'next', 'year', 'prison', 'remember', 'replied', 'softly', 'sighed', 'wiped', 'another', 'tear', 'away', 'cheek', 'said', 'would', 'gotten', 'today', 'edit', 'wow', 'front', 'page', 'glad', 'guy', 'liked', 'edit', 'people', 'know', 'couple', 'met', 'sex', 'married', 'day', 'joke', 'matter', 'unrealistic']","['woman', 'awakes', 'middle', 'night', 'find', 'husband', 'bed']","['put', 'robe', 'go', 'downstairs', 'look', 'find', 'sitting', 'kitchen', 'table', 'cup', 'hot', 'cocoa', 'front', 'appears', 'deep', 'thought', 'staring', 'wall', 'watch', 'wipe', 'away', 'tear', 'eye', 'matter', 'dear', 'whisper', 'step', 'room', 'time', 'night', 'husband', 'look', 'drink', 'anniversary', 'day', 'met', 'ca', 'believe', 'remembered', 'start', 'tear', 'husband', 'continues', 'remember', 'year', 'ago', 'started', 'dating', 'said', 'solemnly', 'wife', 'touched', 'tear', 'thinking', 'husband', 'caring', 'sensitive', 'yes', 'reply', 'husband', 'pause', 'word', 'coming', 'easily', 'remember', 'father', 'caught', 'u', 'back', 'seat', 'car', 'yes', 'remember', 'said', 'wife', 'lowering', 'chair', 'beside', 'husband', 'continued', 'remember', 'shoved', 'shotgun', 'face', 'said', 'either', 'marry', 'daughter', 'make', 'sure', 'spend', 'next', 'year', 'prison', 'remember', 'replied', 'softly', 'sighed', 'wiped', 'another', 'tear', 'away', 'cheek', 'said', 'would', 'gotten', 'today', 'edit', 'wow', 'front', 'page', 'glad', 'guy', 'liked', 'edit', 'people', 'know', 'couple', 'met', 'sex', 'married', 'day', 'joke', 'matter', 'unrealistic', 'woman', 'awakes', 'middle', 'night', 'find', 'husband', 'bed']",132
Hispanic attacks.,3b9a6t,5510,Why did the Mexican take xanax?,"['hispanic', 'attack']","['mexican', 'take', 'xanax']","['hispanic', 'attack', 'mexican', 'take', 'xanax']",5
A widow,2uerio,5508,What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is at all time?,['widow'],"['call', 'wife', 'know', 'husband', 'time']","['widow', 'call', 'wife', 'know', 'husband', 'time']",6
But it was just my imaginasian. ,31iolh,5497,When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend,['imaginasian'],"['kid', 'thought', 'chinese', 'friend']","['imaginasian', 'kid', 'thought', 'chinese', 'friend']",5
Because they spend years at C.,3ugdrv,5490,Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?,"['spend', 'year', 'c']","['ca', 'pirate', 'learn', 'alphabet']","['spend', 'year', 'c', 'ca', 'pirate', 'learn', 'alphabet']",7
"A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink. 

""Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something.""

""Dad you dont mea-""

""Yes I do. You've earned it."" Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

""Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored.""

""Hi honored,"" Replies the father. ""I'm dad.""",25x850,5489,The new father,"['proud', 'new', 'father', 'sits', 'dad', 'drink', 'well', 'son', 'son', 'time', 'gave', 'something', 'dad', 'dont', 'yes', 'earned', 'say', 'father', 'pass', 'copy', 'dad', 'joke', 'edition', 'son', 'dad', 'dont', 'know', 'say', 'honored', 'hi', 'honored', 'reply', 'father', 'dad']","['new', 'father']","['proud', 'new', 'father', 'sits', 'dad', 'drink', 'well', 'son', 'son', 'time', 'gave', 'something', 'dad', 'dont', 'yes', 'earned', 'say', 'father', 'pass', 'copy', 'dad', 'joke', 'edition', 'son', 'dad', 'dont', 'know', 'say', 'honored', 'hi', 'honored', 'reply', 'father', 'dad', 'new', 'father']",36
Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.,39skdk,5485,Why is the hipster sweating?,"['wore', 'scarf', 'cool']","['hipster', 'sweating']","['wore', 'scarf', 'cool', 'hipster', 'sweating']",5
"The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily ""give it to me!""

",2hbvqi,5464,Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler....,"['neighbour', 'think', 'stud', 'hear', 'panting', 'heavily', 'give']","['sometimes', 'hide', 'wife', 'inhaler']","['neighbour', 'think', 'stud', 'hear', 'panting', 'heavily', 'give', 'sometimes', 'hide', 'wife', 'inhaler']",11
"They push two twins together to make a king. 

edit: OK, so, apparently this joke was made 10 months ago by some other person. I never knew about that, I thought this was an original joke, so all you people busting a nut because you think I copied someone, go complain elsewhere. I had no idea this joke had already been made. ",2w0tzc,5462,Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?,"['push', 'two', 'twin', 'together', 'make', 'king', 'edit', 'ok', 'apparently', 'joke', 'made', 'month', 'ago', 'person', 'never', 'knew', 'thought', 'original', 'joke', 'people', 'busting', 'nut', 'think', 'copied', 'someone', 'go', 'complain', 'elsewhere', 'idea', 'joke', 'already', 'made']","['lannisters', 'big', 'bed']","['push', 'two', 'twin', 'together', 'make', 'king', 'edit', 'ok', 'apparently', 'joke', 'made', 'month', 'ago', 'person', 'never', 'knew', 'thought', 'original', 'joke', 'people', 'busting', 'nut', 'think', 'copied', 'someone', 'go', 'complain', 'elsewhere', 'idea', 'joke', 'already', 'made', 'lannisters', 'big', 'bed']",35
"None, it's already lit fam.",4nqx77,5458,"How many ""sup dude""s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?","['none', 'already', 'lit', 'fam']","['many', 'sup', 'dude', 'take', 'screw', 'lightbulb']","['none', 'already', 'lit', 'fam', 'many', 'sup', 'dude', 'take', 'screw', 'lightbulb']",10
I also pull out way to late.,46vo4z,5437,Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush.,"['also', 'pull', 'way', 'late']","['last', 'night', 'wife', 'started', 'calling', 'jeb', 'bush']","['also', 'pull', 'way', 'late', 'last', 'night', 'wife', 'started', 'calling', 'jeb', 'bush']",11
"""Nervous?"" asked the interviewer, I simply replied ""No I always give 110%""",3coey4,5435,During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly,"['nervous', 'asked', 'interviewer', 'simply', 'replied', 'always', 'give']","['job', 'interview', 'yestarday', 'poured', 'water', 'cup', 'overflowed', 'slightly']","['nervous', 'asked', 'interviewer', 'simply', 'replied', 'always', 'give', 'job', 'interview', 'yestarday', 'poured', 'water', 'cup', 'overflowed', 'slightly']",15
. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?,44gird,5427,I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .,"['good', 'tip', 'dealing', 'pepper', 'spray']","['always', 'start', 'cry', 'uncontrollably', 'whenever', 'get', 'intimate', 'girl']","['good', 'tip', 'dealing', 'pepper', 'spray', 'always', 'start', 'cry', 'uncontrollably', 'whenever', 'get', 'intimate', 'girl']",13
"I mean, there were red flags everywhere.",33qli6,5427,No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.,"['mean', 'red', 'flag', 'everywhere']","['one', 'surprised', 'rise', 'ussr', 'world', 'war', 'ii']","['mean', 'red', 'flag', 'everywhere', 'one', 'surprised', 'rise', 'ussr', 'world', 'war', 'ii']",11
"The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, ""Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?""

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, ""You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!""

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, ""Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?""
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 

""Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!""

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 

""Anybody?""

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, ""The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.""

Mrs. Parks said, ""Very good, Billy,"" then turned to Mary and continued. 

""As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.""",3dfhv7,5422,What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...,"['grade', 'science', 'teacher', 'mr', 'park', 'asked', 'class', 'human', 'body', 'part', 'increase', 'ten', 'time', 'size', 'stimulated', 'one', 'answered', 'teacher', 'picked', 'random', 'student', 'little', 'mary', 'stood', 'said', 'asking', 'sixth', 'grader', 'question', 'like', 'going', 'tell', 'parent', 'go', 'tell', 'principal', 'fire', 'mr', 'park', 'ignored', 'asked', 'question', 'body', 'part', 'increase', 'time', 'size', 'stimulated', 'little', 'mary', 'mouth', 'fell', 'open', 'said', 'around', 'boy', 'going', 'get', 'big', 'trouble', 'teacher', 'continued', 'ignore', 'said', 'class', 'anybody', 'finally', 'billy', 'stood', 'looked', 'around', 'nervously', 'said', 'body', 'part', 'increase', 'time', 'size', 'stimulated', 'pupil', 'eye', 'mr', 'park', 'said', 'good', 'billy', 'turned', 'mary', 'continued', 'young', 'lady', 'three', 'thing', 'say', 'one', 'dirty', 'mind', 'two', 'read', 'homework', 'three', 'one', 'day', 'going', 'disappointed']","['organ', 'expand', 'time', 'size']","['grade', 'science', 'teacher', 'mr', 'park', 'asked', 'class', 'human', 'body', 'part', 'increase', 'ten', 'time', 'size', 'stimulated', 'one', 'answered', 'teacher', 'picked', 'random', 'student', 'little', 'mary', 'stood', 'said', 'asking', 'sixth', 'grader', 'question', 'like', 'going', 'tell', 'parent', 'go', 'tell', 'principal', 'fire', 'mr', 'park', 'ignored', 'asked', 'question', 'body', 'part', 'increase', 'time', 'size', 'stimulated', 'little', 'mary', 'mouth', 'fell', 'open', 'said', 'around', 'boy', 'going', 'get', 'big', 'trouble', 'teacher', 'continued', 'ignore', 'said', 'class', 'anybody', 'finally', 'billy', 'stood', 'looked', 'around', 'nervously', 'said', 'body', 'part', 'increase', 'time', 'size', 'stimulated', 'pupil', 'eye', 'mr', 'park', 'said', 'good', 'billy', 'turned', 'mary', 'continued', 'young', 'lady', 'three', 'thing', 'say', 'one', 'dirty', 'mind', 'two', 'read', 'homework', 'three', 'one', 'day', 'going', 'disappointed', 'organ', 'expand', 'time', 'size']",109
Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?,51410x,5410,"In was in a bar the other day. The barman said ""I see your glass is empty. Do you want another one?""","['fuck', 'would', 'want', 'empty', 'glass']","['bar', 'day', 'barman', 'said', 'see', 'glass', 'empty', 'want', 'another', 'one']","['fuck', 'would', 'want', 'empty', 'glass', 'bar', 'day', 'barman', 'said', 'see', 'glass', 'empty', 'want', 'another', 'one']",15
They're thick and tired of it,47icdf,5408,Don't make fun of fat people with lisps...,"['thick', 'tired']","['make', 'fun', 'fat', 'people', 'lisp']","['thick', 'tired', 'make', 'fun', 'fat', 'people', 'lisp']",7
"""Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!""

Herman said, ""It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!""",3v0b76,5404,A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.,"['herman', 'heard', 'news', 'car', 'going', 'wrong', 'way', 'interstate', 'please', 'careful', 'herman', 'said', 'one', 'car', 'hundred']","['senior', 'citizen', 'called', 'husband', 'drive', 'home']","['herman', 'heard', 'news', 'car', 'going', 'wrong', 'way', 'interstate', 'please', 'careful', 'herman', 'said', 'one', 'car', 'hundred', 'senior', 'citizen', 'called', 'husband', 'drive', 'home']",21
"Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything ""naughty."" The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees *tons* of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.

The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say ""*Oh my god!* What should we do about this?!

The father replied ""We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure.""",31udkb,5386,[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.,"['bit', 'nosy', 'search', 'around', 'room', 'see', 'son', 'hiding', 'anything', 'naughty', 'father', 'check', 'bed', 'shock', 'see', 'ton', 'bdsm', 'bondage', 'tape', 'dvd', 'magazine', 'mother', 'could', 'breathe', 'took', 'say', 'oh', 'god', 'father', 'replied', 'spank', 'sure']","['nsfw', 'mother', 'father', 'snooping', 'around', 'son', 'bedroom']","['bit', 'nosy', 'search', 'around', 'room', 'see', 'son', 'hiding', 'anything', 'naughty', 'father', 'check', 'bed', 'shock', 'see', 'ton', 'bdsm', 'bondage', 'tape', 'dvd', 'magazine', 'mother', 'could', 'breathe', 'took', 'say', 'oh', 'god', 'father', 'replied', 'spank', 'sure', 'nsfw', 'mother', 'father', 'snooping', 'around', 'son', 'bedroom']",39
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.,381t5o,5382,How do you piss off a female archaeologist?,"['give', 'used', 'tampon', 'ask', 'period', 'came']","['piss', 'female', 'archaeologist']","['give', 'used', 'tampon', 'ask', 'period', 'came', 'piss', 'female', 'archaeologist']",9
None it's all tongue and groove,3jgzmn,5382,how many screws hold together a lesbians bed?,"['none', 'tongue', 'groove']","['many', 'screw', 'hold', 'together', 'lesbian', 'bed']","['none', 'tongue', 'groove', 'many', 'screw', 'hold', 'together', 'lesbian', 'bed']",9
With iPhone accessories.,5tscx1,5378,How do you milk sheep?,"['iphone', 'accessory']","['milk', 'sheep']","['iphone', 'accessory', 'milk', 'sheep']",4
"Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

""Windows frozen, won't open.""

 

Husband texts back:

""Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.""

 

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

 

""Computer is really screwed up now.”",2rfn8x,5373,On a cold winter's morning,"['wife', 'text', 'husband', 'cold', 'winter', 'morning', 'window', 'frozen', 'wo', 'open', 'husband', 'text', 'back', 'gently', 'pour', 'lukewarm', 'water', 'wife', 'text', 'back', 'minute', 'later', 'computer', 'really', 'screwed']","['cold', 'winter', 'morning']","['wife', 'text', 'husband', 'cold', 'winter', 'morning', 'window', 'frozen', 'wo', 'open', 'husband', 'text', 'back', 'gently', 'pour', 'lukewarm', 'water', 'wife', 'text', 'back', 'minute', 'later', 'computer', 'really', 'screwed', 'cold', 'winter', 'morning']",28
"You.

Why I oughta...!

Edit: Wow, thanks for all the love. My son is quite the character and he really caught me off guard with this!",2pljk0,5370,From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?,"['oughta', 'edit', 'wow', 'thanks', 'love', 'son', 'quite', 'character', 'really', 'caught', 'guard']","['son', 'rhyme', 'really', 'stink']","['oughta', 'edit', 'wow', 'thanks', 'love', 'son', 'quite', 'character', 'really', 'caught', 'guard', 'son', 'rhyme', 'really', 'stink']",15
"The punchline?

It was my mom, then my sister, then me",52cx8g,5368,My dad was always drunk when I was a kid,"['punchline', 'mom', 'sister']","['dad', 'always', 'drunk', 'kid']","['punchline', 'mom', 'sister', 'dad', 'always', 'drunk', 'kid']",7
"At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.

They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: ""Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)""

To which the man responded ""Of course it is baby."", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.",3f2v1n,5357,A girl takes a black guy home.,"['end', 'night', 'town', 'girl', 'take', 'black', 'guy', 'back', 'house', 'kissing', 'moving', 'towards', 'bedroom', 'look', 'flirtatious', 'eye', 'muster', 'say', 'true', 'say', 'black', 'guy', 'man', 'responded', 'course', 'baby', 'stabbed', 'stole', 'wallet', 'left']","['girl', 'take', 'black', 'guy', 'home']","['end', 'night', 'town', 'girl', 'take', 'black', 'guy', 'back', 'house', 'kissing', 'moving', 'towards', 'bedroom', 'look', 'flirtatious', 'eye', 'muster', 'say', 'true', 'say', 'black', 'guy', 'man', 'responded', 'course', 'baby', 'stabbed', 'stole', 'wallet', 'left', 'girl', 'take', 'black', 'guy', 'home']",35
 .... then soviet.,4zr408,5354,If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian...,['soviet'],"['pronouncing', 'b', 'v', 'make', 'sound', 'russian']","['soviet', 'pronouncing', 'b', 'v', 'make', 'sound', 'russian']",7
"Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.

The other flea asked him, ""Why are shaking so badly?""

The first flea says, ""I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Harley.""

The other flea says, ""That's the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of.""

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by... When the first flea shows up in Miami he shivering and shaking again.

The second flea says, ""Didn't you try what I told you?""

""Yes,"" says the first flea. ""I did exactly what you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley.""


        Edit: Front page already!!! Gr8 Guys.",2ngocz,5352,Two Fleas on Vacation (nsfw),"['two', 'flea', 'arrangement', 'meet', 'every', 'winter', 'miami', 'vacation', 'last', 'year', 'one', 'flea', 'get', 'miami', 'shivering', 'shaking', 'flea', 'asked', 'shaking', 'badly', 'first', 'flea', 'say', 'rode', 'new', 'jersey', 'moustache', 'guy', 'harley', 'flea', 'say', 'worst', 'way', 'travel', 'go', 'new', 'jersey', 'airport', 'bar', 'drink', 'look', 'nice', 'stewardess', 'crawl', 'leg', 'nestle', 'warm', 'cozy', 'best', 'way', 'travel', 'think', 'first', 'flea', 'thanks', 'second', 'flea', 'say', 'give', 'try', 'next', 'winter', 'year', 'go', 'first', 'flea', 'show', 'miami', 'shivering', 'shaking', 'second', 'flea', 'say', 'try', 'told', 'yes', 'say', 'first', 'flea', 'exactly', 'said', 'went', 'new', 'jersey', 'airport', 'bar', 'drink', 'finally', 'nice', 'young', 'stewardess', 'came', 'crawled', 'right', 'warm', 'cozy', 'spot', 'nice', 'warm', 'fell', 'asleep', 'woke', 'back', 'moustache', 'guy', 'harley', 'edit', 'front', 'page', 'already', 'guy']","['two', 'flea', 'vacation', 'nsfw']","['two', 'flea', 'arrangement', 'meet', 'every', 'winter', 'miami', 'vacation', 'last', 'year', 'one', 'flea', 'get', 'miami', 'shivering', 'shaking', 'flea', 'asked', 'shaking', 'badly', 'first', 'flea', 'say', 'rode', 'new', 'jersey', 'moustache', 'guy', 'harley', 'flea', 'say', 'worst', 'way', 'travel', 'go', 'new', 'jersey', 'airport', 'bar', 'drink', 'look', 'nice', 'stewardess', 'crawl', 'leg', 'nestle', 'warm', 'cozy', 'best', 'way', 'travel', 'think', 'first', 'flea', 'thanks', 'second', 'flea', 'say', 'give', 'try', 'next', 'winter', 'year', 'go', 'first', 'flea', 'show', 'miami', 'shivering', 'shaking', 'second', 'flea', 'say', 'try', 'told', 'yes', 'say', 'first', 'flea', 'exactly', 'said', 'went', 'new', 'jersey', 'airport', 'bar', 'drink', 'finally', 'nice', 'young', 'stewardess', 'came', 'crawled', 'right', 'warm', 'cozy', 'spot', 'nice', 'warm', 'fell', 'asleep', 'woke', 'back', 'moustache', 'guy', 'harley', 'edit', 'front', 'page', 'already', 'guy', 'two', 'flea', 'vacation', 'nsfw']",115
"in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly man, tossed his pants to the bride and said, ""Here, put these on.""

She put them on, but they were way too big.

""I can't wear your pants,"" she said.

""That's right,"" said the husband, ""and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family.""

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, ""Try these on.""

He tried them on, and they were way to thin.

""Hell,"" he said, ""I can't get into your panties.""

She replied, ""That's right, and it's going to be that way till your attitude changes.""",3xejat,5352,"A young couple, just married, were...","['honeymoon', 'suite', 'wedding', 'night', 'undressing', 'bed', 'husband', 'big', 'burly', 'man', 'tossed', 'pant', 'bride', 'said', 'put', 'put', 'way', 'big', 'ca', 'wear', 'pant', 'said', 'right', 'said', 'husband', 'ever', 'forget', 'man', 'wear', 'pant', 'family', 'flipped', 'panty', 'said', 'try', 'tried', 'way', 'thin', 'hell', 'said', 'ca', 'get', 'panty', 'replied', 'right', 'going', 'way', 'till', 'attitude', 'change']","['young', 'couple', 'married']","['honeymoon', 'suite', 'wedding', 'night', 'undressing', 'bed', 'husband', 'big', 'burly', 'man', 'tossed', 'pant', 'bride', 'said', 'put', 'put', 'way', 'big', 'ca', 'wear', 'pant', 'said', 'right', 'said', 'husband', 'ever', 'forget', 'man', 'wear', 'pant', 'family', 'flipped', 'panty', 'said', 'try', 'tried', 'way', 'thin', 'hell', 'said', 'ca', 'get', 'panty', 'replied', 'right', 'going', 'way', 'till', 'attitude', 'change', 'young', 'couple', 'married']",53
Fission chips.,2u2syb,5342,What do British nuclear engineers eat?,"['fission', 'chip']","['british', 'nuclear', 'engineer', 'eat']","['fission', 'chip', 'british', 'nuclear', 'engineer', 'eat']",6
"She says to the pharmacist, ""I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.""  
The pharmacist says, ""Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you.""  
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.  
""Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.""",45iolm,5337,A woman goes into a pharmacy,"['say', 'pharmacist', 'like', 'poison', 'kill', 'husband', 'make', 'look', 'like', 'died', 'natural', 'cause', 'pharmacist', 'say', 'going', 'call', 'police', 'report', 'woman', 'take', 'something', 'pocket', 'hand', 'picture', 'husband', 'sex', 'pharmacist', 'wife', 'oh', 'told', 'prescription']","['woman', 'go', 'pharmacy']","['say', 'pharmacist', 'like', 'poison', 'kill', 'husband', 'make', 'look', 'like', 'died', 'natural', 'cause', 'pharmacist', 'say', 'going', 'call', 'police', 'report', 'woman', 'take', 'something', 'pocket', 'hand', 'picture', 'husband', 'sex', 'pharmacist', 'wife', 'oh', 'told', 'prescription', 'woman', 'go', 'pharmacy']",34
"Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*


EDIT: Front page, I will have to get a free beer out of this.",3h6uw6,5330,[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?,"['reaching', 'around', 'pretending', 'went', 'way', 'first', 'post', 'hope', 'offend', 'anyone', 'much', 'heard', 'joke', 'pub', 'central', 'australia', 'found', 'way', 'funny', 'edit', 'front', 'page', 'get', 'free', 'beer']","['offensive', 'best', 'thing', 'sex', 'transvestite']","['reaching', 'around', 'pretending', 'went', 'way', 'first', 'post', 'hope', 'offend', 'anyone', 'much', 'heard', 'joke', 'pub', 'central', 'australia', 'found', 'way', 'funny', 'edit', 'front', 'page', 'get', 'free', 'beer', 'offensive', 'best', 'thing', 'sex', 'transvestite']",30
"She was furious, she said *""what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?""*",2gab4w,5325,• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.,"['furious', 'said', 'supposed', 'two', 'dead', 'dog']","['friend', 'dog', 'died', 'day', 'surprised', 'going', 'getting', 'identical', 'dog']","['furious', 'said', 'supposed', 'two', 'dead', 'dog', 'friend', 'dog', 'died', 'day', 'surprised', 'going', 'getting', 'identical', 'dog']",15
"The head of the group walks in and says, ""I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed.""

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the bet On Friday the 14th, and this is my first post since the bet had begun.",2mka5e,5320,There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...,"['head', 'group', 'walk', 'say', 'seeing', 'lot', 'new', 'face', 'week', 'say', 'pretty', 'disappointed', 'edit', 'wow', 'thanks', 'guy', 'made', 'win', 'bet', 'friend', 'see', 'could', 'get', 'frontpaged', 'first', 'edit', 'lol', 'edit', 'made', 'bet', 'friday', 'first', 'post', 'since', 'bet', 'begun']","['support', 'group', 'people', 'addicted', 'plastic', 'surgery']","['head', 'group', 'walk', 'say', 'seeing', 'lot', 'new', 'face', 'week', 'say', 'pretty', 'disappointed', 'edit', 'wow', 'thanks', 'guy', 'made', 'win', 'bet', 'friend', 'see', 'could', 'get', 'frontpaged', 'first', 'edit', 'lol', 'edit', 'made', 'bet', 'friday', 'first', 'post', 'since', 'bet', 'begun', 'support', 'group', 'people', 'addicted', 'plastic', 'surgery']",42
"J.K! 

Rowling.",2nbefg,5316,How does Harry Potter get down a hill? By running.,['rowling'],"['harry', 'potter', 'get', 'hill', 'running']","['rowling', 'harry', 'potter', 'get', 'hill', 'running']",6
"Man:""Why did you make women so beautiful?""
God:""So you would love her.""
Man:""Then why did you make her so dumb?""
God:""So she would love you.""",3sv3j5,5312,A man asks god...,"['man', 'make', 'woman', 'beautiful', 'god', 'would', 'love', 'man', 'make', 'dumb', 'god', 'would', 'love']","['man', 'asks', 'god']","['man', 'make', 'woman', 'beautiful', 'god', 'would', 'love', 'man', 'make', 'dumb', 'god', 'would', 'love', 'man', 'asks', 'god']",16
"...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: ""Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?""
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: ""Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it.""
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: ""No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?""",376s00,5311,A guy walks into a bar...,"['see', 'gorgeous', 'woman', 'nursing', 'drink', 'walking', 'behind', 'say', 'hi', 'good', 'lookin', 'going', 'already', 'downed', 'power', 'drink', 'turn', 'around', 'face', 'look', 'straight', 'eye', 'say', 'listen', 'buddy', 'screw', 'anybody', 'anytime', 'anywhere', 'place', 'place', 'car', 'front', 'door', 'back', 'door', 'ground', 'standing', 'sitting', 'naked', 'clothes', 'dirty', 'clean', 'matter', 'ever', 'since', 'got', 'college', 'love', 'eye', 'wide', 'interest', 'responds', 'kidding', 'lawyer', 'firm']","['guy', 'walk', 'bar']","['see', 'gorgeous', 'woman', 'nursing', 'drink', 'walking', 'behind', 'say', 'hi', 'good', 'lookin', 'going', 'already', 'downed', 'power', 'drink', 'turn', 'around', 'face', 'look', 'straight', 'eye', 'say', 'listen', 'buddy', 'screw', 'anybody', 'anytime', 'anywhere', 'place', 'place', 'car', 'front', 'door', 'back', 'door', 'ground', 'standing', 'sitting', 'naked', 'clothes', 'dirty', 'clean', 'matter', 'ever', 'since', 'got', 'college', 'love', 'eye', 'wide', 'interest', 'responds', 'kidding', 'lawyer', 'firm', 'guy', 'walk', 'bar']",59
Really makes my day.,398nei,5308,The rotation of earth,"['really', 'make', 'day']","['rotation', 'earth']","['really', 'make', 'day', 'rotation', 'earth']",5
Because his career is in ruins.,3zuwaq,5302,Why is the archaeologist sad?,"['career', 'ruin']","['archaeologist', 'sad']","['career', 'ruin', 'archaeologist', 'sad']",4
"One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear.

He says to the couple, ""You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other."" He pauses, and then adds: ""It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area and…well, just have a good time.""

The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes.

The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush.

The angel glanced at his watch. ""You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!""

The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, ""Ok! But this time, *you* have to hold the pigeon while *I* get to shit on its head!!""",3wyjci,5296,"Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…","['one', 'day', 'early', 'morning', 'angel', 'come', 'heaven', 'look', 'statue', 'flick', 'wrist', 'poof', 'turn', 'statue', 'real', 'people', 'man', 'woman', 'stare', 'amazement', 'attention', 'soon', 'turn', 'angel', 'quite', 'satisfied', 'grinning', 'ear', 'ear', 'say', 'couple', 'guy', 'staring', 'locked', 'stone', 'last', 'year', 'completely', 'unable', 'thing', 'urge', 'pause', 'add', 'still', 'pretty', 'early', 'people', 'usually', 'get', 'park', 'another', 'minute', 'two', 'go', 'covered', 'area', 'good', 'time', 'man', 'caught', 'eye', 'woman', 'twinkle', 'eye', 'wore', 'mischievous', 'grin', 'bit', 'lip', 'seductively', 'man', 'grabbed', 'hand', 'two', 'ran', 'bush', 'angel', 'found', 'privy', 'giggle', 'laughter', 'rustling', 'squeal', 'delight', 'fifteen', 'minute', 'later', 'couple', 'emerged', 'bush', 'breath', 'face', 'flush', 'angel', 'glanced', 'watch', 'still', 'fifteen', 'minute', 'know', 'another', 'round', 'like', 'woman', 'turned', 'excitedly', 'man', 'exclaimed', 'ok', 'time', 'hold', 'pigeon', 'get', 'shit', 'head']","['two', 'statue', 'one', 'nude', 'male', 'one', 'nude', 'female', 'sit', 'beside', 'entrance', 'central']","['one', 'day', 'early', 'morning', 'angel', 'come', 'heaven', 'look', 'statue', 'flick', 'wrist', 'poof', 'turn', 'statue', 'real', 'people', 'man', 'woman', 'stare', 'amazement', 'attention', 'soon', 'turn', 'angel', 'quite', 'satisfied', 'grinning', 'ear', 'ear', 'say', 'couple', 'guy', 'staring', 'locked', 'stone', 'last', 'year', 'completely', 'unable', 'thing', 'urge', 'pause', 'add', 'still', 'pretty', 'early', 'people', 'usually', 'get', 'park', 'another', 'minute', 'two', 'go', 'covered', 'area', 'good', 'time', 'man', 'caught', 'eye', 'woman', 'twinkle', 'eye', 'wore', 'mischievous', 'grin', 'bit', 'lip', 'seductively', 'man', 'grabbed', 'hand', 'two', 'ran', 'bush', 'angel', 'found', 'privy', 'giggle', 'laughter', 'rustling', 'squeal', 'delight', 'fifteen', 'minute', 'later', 'couple', 'emerged', 'bush', 'breath', 'face', 'flush', 'angel', 'glanced', 'watch', 'still', 'fifteen', 'minute', 'know', 'another', 'round', 'like', 'woman', 'turned', 'excitedly', 'man', 'exclaimed', 'ok', 'time', 'hold', 'pigeon', 'get', 'shit', 'head', 'two', 'statue', 'one', 'nude', 'male', 'one', 'nude', 'female', 'sit', 'beside', 'entrance', 'central']",127
"He said ""Can you describe the symptoms?""
So I replied ""Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair""",4twbks,5293,I went to the doctors with hearing problems...,"['said', 'describe', 'symptom', 'replied', 'homer', 'fat', 'marge', 'blue', 'hair']","['went', 'doctor', 'hearing', 'problem']","['said', 'describe', 'symptom', 'replied', 'homer', 'fat', 'marge', 'blue', 'hair', 'went', 'doctor', 'hearing', 'problem']",13
"In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, ""So how is your strange business going?""

""What do you mean strange?""

""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!""

""So?""

""Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?""

""It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun.""",3atnbe,5273,Trumpets and Guns,"['small', 'town', 'man', 'opened', 'small', 'store', 'selling', 'trumpet', 'gun', 'one', 'day', 'neighbor', 'pay', 'visit', 'say', 'strange', 'business', 'going', 'mean', 'strange', 'sell', 'trumpet', 'gun', 'well', 'let', 'put', 'way', 'sell', 'trumpet', 'gun', 'even', 'time', 'customer', 'buy', 'trumpet', 'one', 'neighbor', 'buy', 'gun']","['trumpet', 'gun']","['small', 'town', 'man', 'opened', 'small', 'store', 'selling', 'trumpet', 'gun', 'one', 'day', 'neighbor', 'pay', 'visit', 'say', 'strange', 'business', 'going', 'mean', 'strange', 'sell', 'trumpet', 'gun', 'well', 'let', 'put', 'way', 'sell', 'trumpet', 'gun', 'even', 'time', 'customer', 'buy', 'trumpet', 'one', 'neighbor', 'buy', 'gun', 'trumpet', 'gun']",41
I never get included in anything either.,41zyms,5271,I can sympathize with batteries.,"['never', 'get', 'included', 'anything', 'either']","['sympathize', 'battery']","['never', 'get', 'included', 'anything', 'either', 'sympathize', 'battery']",7
Because you are getting old,3oajo2,5270,"Damn girl, are you /r/jokes","['getting', 'old']","['damn', 'girl']","['getting', 'old', 'damn', 'girl']",4
"""To fight the Decepticons,"" I said.

She laughed.  I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.",3koim4,5267,My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.,"['fight', 'decepticons', 'said', 'laughed', 'laughed', 'toaster', 'laughed', 'shot', 'toaster']","['wife', 'asked', 'carry', 'gun', 'around', 'house']","['fight', 'decepticons', 'said', 'laughed', 'laughed', 'toaster', 'laughed', 'shot', 'toaster', 'wife', 'asked', 'carry', 'gun', 'around', 'house']",15
"- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.",489y42,5263,A mummy calls a restauraunt.,"['hello', 'like', 'reserve', 'table', 'pharaoh', 'sakhrakhotep', 'could', 'spell', 'please', 'course', 'bird', 'two', 'triangle', 'wavy', 'line', 'sun', 'bird', 'jackal', 'head', 'scarab']","['mummy', 'call', 'restauraunt']","['hello', 'like', 'reserve', 'table', 'pharaoh', 'sakhrakhotep', 'could', 'spell', 'please', 'course', 'bird', 'two', 'triangle', 'wavy', 'line', 'sun', 'bird', 'jackal', 'head', 'scarab', 'mummy', 'call', 'restauraunt']",23
"The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella?  The bear says ""  Give me a .........................................................beer.""  The bartender says"" What's with the big pause?""  The bear throws his arms up in the air and says "" I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM.""",3yd9yi,5261,A bear walks into a bar.,"['bartender', 'asks', 'whata', 'ya', 'big', 'fella', 'bear', 'say', 'give', 'beer', 'bartender', 'say', 'big', 'pause', 'bear', 'throw', 'arm', 'air', 'say', 'know', 'born']","['bear', 'walk', 'bar']","['bartender', 'asks', 'whata', 'ya', 'big', 'fella', 'bear', 'say', 'give', 'beer', 'bartender', 'say', 'big', 'pause', 'bear', 'throw', 'arm', 'air', 'say', 'know', 'born', 'bear', 'walk', 'bar']",24
"I was offered sex today, with a 21 year old girl. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on reddit. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajox, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.",2xcz2v,5261,This world has become disgusting!,"['offered', 'sex', 'today', 'year', 'old', 'girl', 'exchange', 'supposed', 'advertise', 'kind', 'bathroom', 'cleaner', 'reddit', 'course', 'declined', 'person', 'high', 'moral', 'standard', 'strong', 'willpower', 'strong', 'ajox', 'super', 'strong', 'bathroom', 'cleaner', 'available', 'scented', 'lemon', 'vanilla']","['world', 'become', 'disgusting']","['offered', 'sex', 'today', 'year', 'old', 'girl', 'exchange', 'supposed', 'advertise', 'kind', 'bathroom', 'cleaner', 'reddit', 'course', 'declined', 'person', 'high', 'moral', 'standard', 'strong', 'willpower', 'strong', 'ajox', 'super', 'strong', 'bathroom', 'cleaner', 'available', 'scented', 'lemon', 'vanilla', 'world', 'become', 'disgusting']",34
He can't read it anyway,34pyto,5258,Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather,"['ca', 'read', 'anyway']","['say', 'want', 'floyd', 'mayweather']","['ca', 'read', 'anyway', 'say', 'want', 'floyd', 'mayweather']",7
"...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely. 

God says ""Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman.""

God continues ""She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing.""

Adam hesitates..

""What is this gonna cost me?"" Adam asks.

God responds ""An arm and a leg.""

Adam retorts ""What can I get for a rib?""

",4mjqyd,5245,So God creates Adam...,"['soon', 'notice', 'adam', 'lonely', 'god', 'say', 'fear', 'child', 'create', 'partner', 'accompany', 'man', 'time', 'forth', 'known', 'woman', 'god', 'continues', 'obedient', 'loyal', 'passionate', 'nurturing', 'adam', 'hesitates', 'gon', 'na', 'cost', 'adam', 'asks', 'god', 'responds', 'arm', 'leg', 'adam', 'retort', 'get', 'rib']","['god', 'creates', 'adam']","['soon', 'notice', 'adam', 'lonely', 'god', 'say', 'fear', 'child', 'create', 'partner', 'accompany', 'man', 'time', 'forth', 'known', 'woman', 'god', 'continues', 'obedient', 'loyal', 'passionate', 'nurturing', 'adam', 'hesitates', 'gon', 'na', 'cost', 'adam', 'asks', 'god', 'responds', 'arm', 'leg', 'adam', 'retort', 'get', 'rib', 'god', 'creates', 'adam']",40
"I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

""I really need a new fucking boat,"" I thought to myself.",42xhcs,5243,As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole...,"['could', 'immediately', 'feel', 'getting', 'wetter', 'wetter', 'took', 'finger', 'back', 'within', 'second', 'going', 'really', 'need', 'new', 'fucking', 'boat', 'thought']","['slipped', 'finger', 'slowly', 'inside', 'hole']","['could', 'immediately', 'feel', 'getting', 'wetter', 'wetter', 'took', 'finger', 'back', 'within', 'second', 'going', 'really', 'need', 'new', 'fucking', 'boat', 'thought', 'slipped', 'finger', 'slowly', 'inside', 'hole']",23
"I like it more than blue and red combined. 

",4iy8l2,5238,Purple is my favorite color!,"['like', 'blue', 'red', 'combined']","['purple', 'favorite', 'color']","['like', 'blue', 'red', 'combined', 'purple', 'favorite', 'color']",7
"a priest just asked me in and offered me a Slowpoke

edit: whoops, rip inbox. don't get sucked in by priests, kiddies.",4sgnkd,5233,I'm not sure churches are the best places for PokèStops...,"['priest', 'asked', 'offered', 'slowpoke', 'edit', 'whoop', 'rip', 'inbox', 'get', 'sucked', 'priest', 'kiddy']","['sure', 'church', 'best', 'place', 'pokèstops']","['priest', 'asked', 'offered', 'slowpoke', 'edit', 'whoop', 'rip', 'inbox', 'get', 'sucked', 'priest', 'kiddy', 'sure', 'church', 'best', 'place', 'pokèstops']",17
The police. ,2zt5ue,5226,What caused The Black Death?,['police'],"['caused', 'black', 'death']","['police', 'caused', 'black', 'death']",4
"The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, ""Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."" 
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar. 
I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.",3kzhl7,5225,Blowjobs do not relieve headaches,"['day', 'astoundingly', 'painful', 'headache', 'could', 'help', 'complain', 'girlfriend', 'surprised', 'saying', 'ya', 'know', 'blowjob', 'natural', 'cure', 'headache', 'thought', 'worth', 'shot', 'day', 'learned', 'girlfriend', 'damned', 'liar', 'sucked', 'three', 'dick', 'head', 'still', 'fucking', 'hurt']","['blowjob', 'relieve', 'headache']","['day', 'astoundingly', 'painful', 'headache', 'could', 'help', 'complain', 'girlfriend', 'surprised', 'saying', 'ya', 'know', 'blowjob', 'natural', 'cure', 'headache', 'thought', 'worth', 'shot', 'day', 'learned', 'girlfriend', 'damned', 'liar', 'sucked', 'three', 'dick', 'head', 'still', 'fucking', 'hurt', 'blowjob', 'relieve', 'headache']",34
I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning.,31zncq,5213,Why did the sperm cross the road?,"['accidentally', 'put', 'wrong', 'sock', 'morning']","['sperm', 'cross', 'road']","['accidentally', 'put', 'wrong', 'sock', 'morning', 'sperm', 'cross', 'road']",8
"The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon ""quickie "" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

""There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"" he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

""An ambulance just drove by!""

""Looks like the Andersons have company,"" he called out.

""Matt's riding a new bike!""

""Looks like the Sanders are moving!""

""Jason is on his skate board!""

After a few moments he announced... ""The Coopers are having sex.
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out...""How do you know they're having sex?""
""Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.""",2eh2uk,5185,A coup